What Does a Good Marriage Look Like? by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

What Does a Good Marriage Look Like?

by Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

In honor of the giving of the Torah, I wanted to share with you my take on the components of a good marriage that you may not see elsewhere.

1. Each person values themselves.

It means that you have forgiven yourself for your own actions in the marriage that your firefighters and managers instigated. That is, you have forgiven yourself for the parts of you that have reacted with anger, drama, or digs and the parts that prepared for the worst by shutting down, avoidance, or burying your own voice.

It means that you recognize your gifts, including the protectors that came into your life in order to save you and get you through the bad stuff even though you no longer rely on them to communicate with your loved ones.

“Wait a minute!” you might be thinking…

“You’re calling the protectors who lash out ‘gifts’? The protectors who shut down are gifts? The ones who bury your own voice are gifts?”

Yes. They try to help us survive in a difficult situation and navigating the way between being vulnerable and honest with who you are, on the one hand, and handling the challenges that face you on the other hand is not easy. Your protectors are gifts because they got you through it all.

But then you got to higher ground where you could see the big picture and make better decisions without relying on protectors but with turning instead to your true Self. And you value that person. And out of respect for the Self that you are, you no longer need to rely on those protectors.

The problem that got you to need them is that when a person’s own cup is empty, there is nothing to give. That’s when the bean-counting starts. So, paradoxically, the best way to become a giver is to be sure that you don’t have hidden corners of your soul that do not like who you are.

It is only when you accept yourself completely that you have energy and love for the people in your life and you stop relying on those protectors, the firefighters and the managers that aren’t the real you.

Self-love is the best defense against neediness, or being controlling of, or angry at, your partner.

And the bonus is that you become more attractive to them when you don’t need them or control them.

2. Each person is Self-led.

This means that even though your protectors have done the best job they could and you do value them, you have discovered a Self that used to be covered up by these protectors.

And this Self that you’ve discovered is beautiful, shining, happy just to be.

What’s more – and this is critical – your Self has won the trust of your protectors so that your Self can be the leader of this internal family of parts that you have. Not only that, but deep inside, in your most honest place of Self, you know you can handle life and lead your inner family of parts.

What that means is that even when triggered by anyone at all, your Self can step up to the plate, assess in an instant the messages of all the protectors and make a decision as to how to best handle things.

The decision that Self makes is never about revenge, anger, getting even, shutting the door, or walling up inside.

The decision that Self makes is based on connection, compassion, clarity, perspective, and even wisdom. We all have those inside of us; they just needed to be allowed space to breathe without the encumbrances of artificial compliance, resentment, or victimhood.

The beauty of this approach is that we can see when our parts – or our partner’s parts – have blocked our Selves. This is powerful because it means that we understand that what we are experiencing is not the true person but only parts of them. This is far less threatening, less rejecting, less hurtful than if their whole person-hood were mistreating us.

These negative moments will occur for all of us; we are imperfect in a constant flux of working toward that perfection which we can’t ever achieve.

3. Old traumas don’t play out in the marriage.

That means that old traumas in which you came to think badly of yourself are healed. You’ve visited with old memories, rescued your inner children that you’d once wanted to forget, and loved on them.

You know how to soothe them should they be triggered by someone else’s parts. You don’t look to others to soothe them; you your Self can handle the situation.

What this really comes down to is not expecting from our partner the reactions that we received growing up; they can be who they are and we can be pleasantly surprised over and over again that they will be kind and compassionate towards us.

4. You can actually listen to each other and feel a connection when you do.

Your parts may have agendas and that is okay. Not only is it okay, it’s good. Our parts are, indeed, our gifts. But since we are Self-led, we can hear the comments of our parts as our partner speaks and integrate both the messages of our own parts and what our partner is saying.

We can listen to ourselves and listen to our significant other from a place of curiosity and concern for all, your parts and their parts - and your Self and themselves, too.

cause you’re human, but they don’t yell any more, they don’t say nasty things, they don’t interrupt, they don’t slam the door and walk out, they don’t go stone cold, they don’t avoid.

So when they do come up, you will notice them in your body first – maybe you will feel it in your gut or your head or your breathing. And that will tell you that you need to pause and reassure them, thanking them for their message, but ultimately handle things from Self energy.

6. It’s okay if you disagree; you can take turns.

Your spouse and you shouldn’t agree on everything. When that happens, life is boring, you lose your voice, and life becomes oppressive.

Rather, it’s great if we see things differently because that brings new learning, excitement, growth, and a feeling of just being alive.

So we navigate different viewpoints by sharing and digesting it all. Then we take turns on who gets to lead.

And we’re talking about big things, not which restaurant to pick, although it applies there, too.

7. Life is fun even when it’s not.

When two people are on board with each other from a place of Self-energy, life is fun. Yes, there are challenges, for example, hospitalizations, death, losing jobs, moving – all the most stressful things that can plague us.

But being together without the energy of protectors hiding us from who we are,

it feels good, and sometimes can even be fun. You do it together; you get through it and that makes you buddies in the trenches – which increases the bond. He realized that he had been trying and trying to be the support for her when she was anxious, but it wasn’t working.

Now, she was taking care of those anxious parts inside of her and it was such a break for him, he almost laughed out loud.

But here’s the really interesting piece of this: When two people are mostly tak-

ing care of their own parts, there may be situations 10% of the time that each person just can’t.

It’s normal to be overwhelmed at those stressful moments of life where a child is in the hospital or a company folds and you’re left jobless. It’s at those times that we can soothe our partner’s parts and hold them.

And again, we take turns having this role. If it feels one-sided, then that person needs to work on dusting off the protectors to let their Selves shine.

When both people feel the slap together and no one is capable of being in Self without the anxiety or the grief, it’s time to just be together without blame, criticism, and disrespect. The bad times are not a cue to attack, even within yourself. It’s a time to just hold hands and get through.

Blame, judgment, and criticism are parts that have learned that this is not a burden they need to carry anymore. They see that humans are just human; forgiveness and understanding can replace them and these parts can take on other roles within you.

All this is not a fantasy. I keep seeing it happen. Is it easy to get there? No. But it’s possible.

It’s great if we see things differently because that brings new learning, excitement, growth, and a feeling of just being alive.

8. You’re there for each other.

Someone said to me recently that he was so relieved that his wife was taking care of her parts so that he didn’t have to.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.