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The Jewish Home | JUNE 2, 2022
Dr. Deb
What Does a Good Marriage Look Like? by Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
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is not the true person but only parts of them. This is far less threatening, less rejecting, less hurtful than if their whole person-hood were mistreating us. These negative moments will occur for all of us; we are imperfect in a constant flux of working toward that perfection which we can’t ever achieve.
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OctOber 29, 2015 | the Jewish Home
n honor of the giving of the Torah, I wanted to share with you my take on the components of a good marriage that you may not see elsewhere.
1. Each person values themselves. It means that you have forgiven yourself for your own actions in the marriage that your firefighters and managers instigated. That is, you have forgiven yourself for the parts of you that have reacted with anger, drama, or digs and the parts that prepared for the worst by shutting down, avoidance, or burying your own voice. It means that you recognize your gifts, including the protectors that came into your life in order to save you and get you through the bad stuff even though you no longer rely on them to communicate with your loved ones. “Wait a minute!” you might be thinking… “You’re calling the protectors who lash out ‘gifts’? The protectors who shut down are gifts? The ones who bury your own voice are gifts?” Yes. They try to help us survive in a difficult situation and navigating the way between being vulnerable and honest with who you are, on the one hand, and handling the challenges that face you on the other hand is not easy. Your protectors are gifts because they got you through it all. But then you got to higher ground where you could see the big picture and make better decisions without relying on protectors but with turning instead to your true Self. And you value that person. And out of respect for the Self that you are, you no longer need to rely on those protectors. The problem that got you to need them is that when a person’s own cup is empty, there is nothing to give. That’s when the bean-counting starts. So, paradoxically,
the best way to become a giver is to be sure that you don’t have hidden corners of your soul that do not like who you are. It is only when you accept yourself completely that you have energy and love for the people in your life and you stop relying on those protectors, the firefighters and the managers that aren’t the real you. Self-love is the best defense against neediness, or being controlling of, or angry at, your partner. And the bonus is that you become more attractive to them when you don’t need them or control them. 2. Each person is Self-led. This means that even though your protectors have done the best job they could and you do value them, you have discovered a Self that used to be covered up by these protectors. And this Self that you’ve discovered is beautiful, shining, happy just to be. What’s more – and this is critical – your Self has won the trust of your protectors so that your Self can be the leader
of this internal family of parts that you have. Not only that, but deep inside, in your most honest place of Self, you know you can handle life and lead your inner family of parts. What that means is that even when triggered by anyone at all, your Self can step up to the plate, assess in an instant the messages of all the protectors and make a decision as to how to best handle things. The decision that Self makes is never about revenge, anger, getting even, shutting the door, or walling up inside. The decision that Self makes is based on connection, compassion, clarity, perspective, and even wisdom. We all have those inside of us; they just needed to be allowed space to breathe without the encumbrances of artificial compliance, resentment, or victimhood. The beauty of this approach is that we can see when our parts – or our partner’s parts – have blocked our Selves. This is powerful because it means that we understand that what we are experiencing
3. Old traumas don’t play out in the marriage. That means that old traumas in which you came to think badly of yourself are healed. You’ve visited with old memories, rescued your inner children that you’d once wanted to forget, and loved on them. You know how to soothe them should they be triggered by someone else’s parts. You don’t look to others to soothe them; you your Self can handle the situation. What this really comes down to is not expecting from our partner the reactions that we received growing up; they can be who they are and we can be pleasantly surprised over and over again that they will be kind and compassionate towards us. 4. You can actually listen to each other and feel a connection when you do. Your parts may have agendas and that is okay. Not only is it okay, it’s good. Our parts are, indeed, our gifts. But since we are Self-led, we can hear the comments of our parts as our partner speaks and integrate both the messages of our own parts and what our partner is saying. We can listen to ourselves and listen to our significant other from a place of curiosity and concern for all, your parts and their parts - and your Self and themselves, too. 5. You’ve tamed your firefighters. They will occasionally come up be-
