Parenting Pearls

Derech Eretz on the Derech

by Sara rayvych, MSed

Afew years ago, I was in a local parking lot trying to make my way out of the area after completing my shopping. I didn’t realize a woman was trying to get out of her spot when I passed by, accidentally blocking her. I had the right of way, but I might have stopped as a courtesy if I had realized she was looking to exit. Perhaps she thought I wasn’t being courteous, I’m not sure, but she must’ve become frustrated and angry. She left her spot soon afterwards and intentionally chased after me in the parking lot so she could lower her window and scream unkind words at me. I shall not repeat her language.

I kept my mouth shut and didn’t return her sentiments. I couldn’t help myself, and I took a quick peek to see if she had children in her minivan. My instinct was correct – she had a few kids in her vehicle. I was sad for those children that had to see such an ugly behavioral display by their mother.

Whether I was right or wrong (I was right), the situation didn’t necessitate such poor middos on her part. She could’ve ignored it or found a decent way to express herself. When one adult is obnoxious to another, that is a matter that is between those two adults and Hashem. When that loathsome interaction takes place in front of children, it can become a parenting article. Well, here it is!

One thing I’ve noticed is that traveling, both vehicular and pedestrian, can result in poor middos. Sadly, I think it’s only gotten worse. Perhaps it’s because we’re in a rush. Maybe it’s because we feel more uninhibited with a stranger we’re likely to never see again. Whatever it is causes a decline in respect and safety.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that’s noticed a few issues that arise when out and about and doing our weekly errands. During this busy yom tov season, it seemed like an appropriate time to address this topic as it relates to our child’s chinuch. what behavior we expect in the many situations they will encounter. They see us at all different times and watch to see our response. If we make a point of accepting the inevitable frustrations of driving, it makes a positive impact on our children. When we openly disparage others because they drive too slow, too fast, or take our spot, then we are teaching our impressionable youth that aggression is acceptable.

We can, and should, make a point to educate our children during our many interactions with others. This need not feel formal or stuffy, and you can make it clear that it’s for the sake of their chinuch (ask your own shailos regarding hilchos lashon hara). It’s not too difficult to point out the danger of a speeding driver when they see one, the risk of biking without a helmet, or a child running near the street as cars whiz past.

It actually makes your concerns clearer when the example is real. I can tell my kids the dangers of crossing the street for hours, but it won’t make the same impression as when my kids saw some little ones jump into the street in front of us rather than cross carefully. Baruch Hashem, we saw them first and stopped our van. My children were also able to see the benefits of defensive driving because it was those measures (along with siyata dishmaya) that caused us to recognize the danger early enough to respond.

As parents, we need to make sure that all our actions, even when driving and parking, are congruent with our chinuch goals. It may be more convenient to double park, but it creates a dangerous situation for the other motorists. It may be quicker to park without fully or accurately pulling into the intended parking spot, but both create difficulties for other drivers trying to pass or park. Excessive or angry honking, double parking, and illegal turns all give our future drivers the wrong message. Besides the obviously terrible driving lesson, all while causing risk to ourselves and others on the road, we’re creating an unhealthy outlook of entitlement where rules apply to others and not to ourselves. If we

Most of our kids aren’t drivers but pedestrians. It’s so simple; we all teach our children from the youngest of ages on how to guide themselves from one side of the street to the other. Even the chicken can cross the road. Despite this, many of us have been shocked by the dangerous street crossings we’ve seen in actual practice.

Crossing at a busy Central Avenue intersection is very different than at a quiet residential road. Crosswalks are safer than the middle of the road; lights are safer yet. Even if the light is green, we still should look before we leap. As our children get older and become more independent, it may be worth once again reviewing advanced street crossing skills on the more complicated avenues. Demonstrate in-person how to safely maneuver busy roads. What seems obvious to us may not be evident to a young teen.

Besides the clear explanations, we need to ensure that we model what we preach. If we explain the importance of

Don’t text and drive. It’s an obvious rule, and there are plenty of ads to inform you of this one. Therefore, I will

focus on the dangers of texting and walking.

A number of years ago, I noticed that teens were crossing the street against the light, completely unaware of cars coming because they were texting. Rather than look both ways or even ahead, they were focused down on a screen. As a driver, I found it frustrating to have so many kids suddenly walking in front of a moving vehicle. What I started to notice was that now adults were doing it, too. V’nahafuch hu, our children are teaching their elders.

It is incredibly dangerous for a pe-

destrian to text while walking. The texting youth can’t see what’s ahead of them and can easily wander into the street, chas v’shalom. Pedestrians have nothing to protect them, unlike someone in a vehicle. While drivers do need to safely maneuver their vehicle, it doesn’t help if they’re driving legally through a green light and someone wanders in front of them, chas v’shalom.

Safe phone usage includes knowing when to use your phone and when to put it down. This goes along with the other important aspects of safe texting. Just like phones should be turned off before davening, l’havdil, devices need to be put down before walking, particularly prior to crossing roads or traversing a parking lot. Taking this a step further, we need to make clear through our actions that, when walking, we too, are off our phones and focused fully on our surroundings.

We live in a wonderful community with so much to do and see. We should take full advantage of what’s available while spending quality time with our children. In all we do, let’s make sure we are the example we want our children to follow and make a kiddush Hashem.

I can tell my kids the dangers of crossing the street for hours, but it won’t make the same impression as when my kids saw some little ones jump into the street in front of us rather than cross carefully.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.

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