Love Your Kids by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Love Your Kid

by Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

It’s hard to love a teenager who is way out of reach in more ways than one. Here are some things parents have said to me:

Scenario #1

“Dr. Deb, how do I love a kid that is so disrespectful?

Me: You have to regardless. Hashem loves us, even though we sin.

Scenario #2

“Dr. Deb, I lose it. I’m trying to help him learn, and he just doesn’t get it. I get so frustrated.”

Scenario #3

“Dr. Deb, this kid is mechalel Shabbos. He won’t come to the table with us; he’s on his phone.”

Scenario #4

“Dr. Deb, he’s on the streets. He won’t come home….”

Scenario #5

“Dr. Deb, this kid reported us to the Child Protective Services! And we are good, kind parents. We did nothing wrong.”

I remember the first time I got the other side of the story.

A couple came in for marital counseling many years ago, and it inevitably uncovered all sorts of problems with the children. So they sent their teenage daughter to meet with me alone. She was 15. In one of our sessions, she said to me, “My parents don’t love me.” I was shocked.

I asked her permission to tell her parents this, and she was only too happy for them to know.

I knew that her parents were worried sick about her. I also knew they were frustrated with her and maybe let her have it on occasion. Isn’t that normal? Don’t most parents yell? How did this kid get a much worse message than the intended one?

When the mom came in the following week, I shared this information, and she was beyond shocked. She just couldn’t understand it. So I relayed to her Gottman’s rules for fighting couples and how they would apply to a child. Apparently, in couples whose marriage makes it forward in spite of obstacles, there are compliments given to each other even when fighting. (Of course, when people are angry, they do not want to give compliments, and Gottman doesn’t have an answer for this. However, Richard Schwartz does have an answer, and I’ve covered this in previous articles.)

Applying Gottman’s rule, I told her that she must say positive things to her daughter throughout the day even if she was frustrated with her. You see, Gottman found that when people stayed together in a marriage, they would utter at least one compliment or positive statement for every 5 complaints when they were getting along, and even when they were arguing, the ratio became one to twenty. That positive just had to squeeze itself in there for the relationship to survive.

Today, I got news that made me think maybe I saved that girl from death.

You see, someone else I once knew died by his own hand. And I knew that person to not fit in back in those awful teenage years, not belong.

Our kids, like that child, then desperately try to make a place for themselves, a place in which they feel they can be who they really “are.” Sometimes, to do this, the teenager joins the “wrong” group, or goes off the derech, or rebels in other ways.

This scares us, and I get that. So we try to clamp down harder, which leads to worse rebellion.

Instead, see inside the kids. See the chaos they make and flames they ignite as the outer representation of anguish inside.

See it. Feel their pain. Not only pain but fear. The kid who doesn’t belong wonders if even G-d loves him, wonders if he was “supposed to” be here in this world, wonders if he isn’t somehow so defective that he’s beyond repair.

That’s what they’re thinking, wondering, and frightened to find out.

Then, if they hate themselves enough, they will “find out” all the evidence that stacks up against them. All the evidence that makes them finally, after trying so hard and suffering so long, give up hope and give up life.

Unearned Fish

Back in the first third of the twentieth century, Gregory Bateson, an anthropologist, was observing the training process for dolphins. The trainers were teaching the dolphins to come up with new tricks. That means that any trick they produced would get a reward in the session in which it appeared but would no longer be re-

warded in future sessions.

As would be true of any animal with a bit of intelligence, the dolphins were starting to show signs of frustration at the beginning of each new session. From their experience with these sensitive mammals, the trainers were quite hesitant to let this go on because the dolphins might become hopeless and stop producing anything.

So the trainers gave the dolphins unearned fish, fist that did not serve to reward their efforts at all. When Bateson asked why they did this, they explained that the unearned fish were needed to maintain the relationship between the trainers and the animals.

It worked. Brilliantly.

At some point, it looked as if the dolphins wanted to please their trainers. At the fifteenth session, they came up with several new, never-before-seen tricks.

Imagine: as a result of unearned fish, the animals produced more than they would have from continuing to try to do new tricks that would be rewarded.

I think you can see where I’m going with this.

We’re talking about the glue that holds relationships together – unconditional

But I’ve Been Really Upset

When you have been in the habit of taking out on your child all your frus-

trations at their behavior, you see that it just recycles the same problem again and again. To start differently, you need to make a clean break from past behavior. I always suggest parents begin with an apology.

Yes, an apology.

Something like this: “I realize I’ve been very frustrated and come down on you a lot. I want you to know two things: One, I love you. I’ve always loved and cared for you. You’re important to me. Your feelings and your happiness are important to me.

“And two, I want us to start over. I’m not going to freak out – or I will try very hard not to. So give me the chance to be

the mom/dad to you that I want to be.”

This way, your teenager expects changes and isn’t wondering what you’re up to. It also sets up a tremendous role model of taking responsibility. They see that even though they’ve messed up, you’re taking responsibility for some small part of it.

From here, focus on the fish – the

When Bateson asked why they did this, they explained that the unearned fish were needed to maintain the relationship between the trainers and the animals.

All children need discipline at times. If love were the only answer, there would be no such thing as narcissism. A selfish child can come out of a home in which he’s been given everything, and nothing was expected of him.

A good balance is needed, and I would go with Gottman, here: Twenty positives to every negative. Count them.

And make sure the negatives are encrusted with love. This means tone of voice could be more important than what is said. When you say, “Come help me, love,” or “Come help me, son,” regardless of the words, say it with love.

I’m so glad to have written this for you. Maybe, just maybe, it will save some other kid. And may the lost neshama have an aliyah.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb.com/myw-masterclass.