Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Creating That Connection

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Many of us have had the unpleasant experience of reading an article and not being in full agreement with everything the author wrote. You can only imagine the intense frustration experienced when you are the author of that very article. My recent article on “maintaining open communication,” due to space considerations, left some things unsaid. While I mentioned that communication doesn’t start with the big conversations, I didn’t have the opportunity to go into the details of creating that initial connection that will allow open communication to flourish. I hope this article will fill in some of those gaps.

Ultimately, what gives our children the desire to listen to us, or speak with us, is the connection we have with them. Without this connection we really have nothing to stand on when we want to discuss something or even ask them to do something minor. With little kids, we can use “might makes right,” which can confuse us into thinking we can ultimately win our kids over that way. To be honest, “might makes right” does have its place at times. If, chas v’shalom, a child runs into the street or is about to hit someone, you should step in and physically remove them from the situation. It’s when we think that physical coercion or threats will ultimately be our parenting ticket that we’ve lost our way.

When our spouse, friend or neighbor, asks something from us, we don’t agree to their request because they threaten us (I hope!). We will try to assist if we’re able because we have the maturity to recognize that it’s the right thing to do. We also help because we care about them and want to be there for them. Children don’t always have the maturity to do something just because it’s the right thing to do but they can recognize that we’re someone they care about pleasing or want to be close with.

We confide in someone because we trust them and feel a bond with them. Our children are no different. We often hear of siblings who are close and siblings who never speak at all or at least don’t talk about personal concerns. Clearly, blood isn’t the only deciding factor in whom you go to in your time of need. Again, our children are similar. Just because we’re their “trusted adult” doesn’t mean they see us this way. If we want that trust and that connection then we need to build it. It’s to our advantage that an emotionally healthy child desperately wants to connect with their parents, and we can use that in our quest to connect with them. I have tried to include a few methods to help create that crucial bond with that younger person you love so much.

Be present

You can’t connect to a person you never see or speak with. One thing COVID has taught us is that there are many ways to connect but none beat being physically present. The younger the children are, the more they require a parent to be physically present, but all children need in-person bonding. Don’t underestimate how much your child benefits from having you there, even if you’re not sitting immediately next to them.

I will risk the disagreement of some by saying that, in my humble opinion, being on your cell phone while next to your child doesn’t count as being fully present. There is something about parents on their cell phones that distracts adults more than a book and often makes children feel ignored. Whether it’s checking your emails, the news or playing a game, it usually disconnects us faster from those around us. Just be conscious of this when your kids are around and limit what you can; a call to the doctor can be urgent but checking online sales may not be.

I try to be a realist, and I know we can’t always be physically present. We’ve all learned creative COVID ways to be virtually present, and it’s an excellent substitute for when you can’t be there physically. My threeyear-old has a “Bubby emergency” one to three times a day which requires an immediate video chat with my mother who has been wonderful at prioritizing his adorable yet childish conversations. There are so many means at our disposal that you can use to connect with those you love even from the farthest distances. Verbal connection

We are all familiar with speaking to others. We started to speak to our children from the moment we met them even though we knew they couldn’t understand our words. Take the time to talk to your children throughout the day and week. While long discussions are wonderful and important, even brief conversations can add up. The topic doesn’t matter as much as being there for them does. It doesn’t matter if what they want to talk about doesn’t interest you because your child interests you and that’s your focus. Often, their topic may not seem important to you but it’s important to them. We want others to respect our needs and feelings even if they don’t understand them – we can extend the same courtesy to our child.

Informal talks are a great way to get that extra time in. Even if I’m cooking, I can often make time for a little casual conversation. You’d be surprised how much you can fit into your already busy schedule. I don’t expect parents to suddenly find an hour per child daily for long talks in the park. You’d be surprised how much you can do with what your time already allows. Even five minutes of light conversation after assisting with homework will really accumulate.

Alternative forms of connecting

One bizarre parenting moment helped me appreciate the power of connecting through alternative means. We had some illness going through the family, and both my young son and I were among those affected. I was in bed, and my son was sick and resting on the floor next to my bed (perhaps another effort to keep him close by and connected). I knew he emotionally needed me but I couldn’t get up or move to do anything. I started to sing to him a song,

probably a playful one with his name in it. He began to sing with me, and we bonded while singing. I couldn’t move, I was too sick to do much, but I could still be there for him emotionally. I often think of that strange moment to remind myself that, as limited as we may be, we can still often find a way to connect to those who need it.

Physical contact is another way to connect with a child of any age. A quick hug or kiss or even just a hand on the shoulder as you pass by shows your child you’re thinking of them and value them. While a long cuddle on the couch is wonderful, even busy parents can show affection with a brief hug as you pass your child in the hallway. Many quick shows of affection add up. Younger children, in particular, benefit from being held and from physical contact; in my humble experience, I think it’s a way of bypassing verbal limitations.

Singing with your children is a great way to have fun with them and connect. I have made up silly songs for each of my kids when they were young but any song will do. Go as offkey as you want, unless your teenagers look at you too funny.

Dancing around the house with your children is a fun way to bond and let off steam. You don’t need to be coordinated, and you don’t need to have fancy moves. Singing and dancing also maintain a more cheerful mood in the house. Having some background music may help.

Playing games, puzzles, sports, or doing any activity with your child is another way to spend quality, connecting time together. If you can choose an activity you enjoy, as well, you’ll both have more fun. My husband enjoys taking the kids for walks, and they love joining him. I try to keep on hand some board games I can enjoy (or at least toler-

If we want that trust and that connection then we need to build it.

ate), and the kids don’t mind playing the games we both enjoy. It’s not the activity that matters as much as the time spent together but you’re more motivated when you don’t feel like you’re being tortured. Parenting shouldn’t make you feel like a perpetual martyr.

We forget how far a smile goes. Smile at your child when you see them. Kids don’t understand adult moods well, and they can easily misinterpret your adult stress as anger towards them. Most of us don’t walk around giggly all day but a quick, sincere smile at your child can go a long way at showing them you love them and enjoy having them around.

There are so many ways to constantly strengthen our connection with our children. For some, it may take some effort at first but soon it’ll become part of your daily routine. You may be surprised how much your children thrive from that extra attention you include in your day. You may be even more surprised how much you enjoy the improved bond with your child. The benefits only grow.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.