She was Angry by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

She Was Angry

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

She was mad. I could tell because the text message went on and on listing for me once again all the terrible things her husband was doing and all the terrible effects it had on her. “He’s an abuser, DrDeb!” she insisted, as if I didn’t know that many of the people I write for are married to abusive people.

As if I hadn’t spoken with her numerous times in chats. I knew.

Therefore, she added with great logic, he has a choice; he didn’t have to insult my Thanksgiving dinner last year by walking out with his whole family that I’d been catering to for hours. And he also could hold himself back from other temptations, if you know what I mean! Yes, he had choices every time.

So, Dr. Deb, she concluded, you tell me, if you don’t mind. What’s the point of your speaking to me (in your articles) when I’m here and that horrible, mean narcissist husband never shows up – the abuser who doesn’t want to face his stuff?

Then she slapped me with two more complaints: Why are you making me feel like a whiner (in your articles)? Why are the victims told to just suck it up? How am I supposed to feel when I’m so badly mistreated?

And finally, she said, why do you treat these abusers like victims? Like little children that need a free pass when they leave a trail of damages in their wake?

Well, the first thing I did was thank her. I was so appreciative for her to be real with me and share with me her concerns. Thank you – you know who you are! Thank you!

Regarding her first question, it would look like she is right: She’s there reading what I write and hearing my live presentations, but what good does it do if the abuser, the narcissist (as she calls him), is not there?

And I will admit right up front that when you’re trying to go it alone because your partner is not acting at all like a partner, it is much harder to get anywhere.

But then your only other choice is divorce.

If you want that choice, go for it. You’re allowed.

Or you can take a chance on winning all by yourself.

I’ll admit that the odds aren’t good. I recall the doctor asking me, many years ago, after my mother’s heart had stopped (a”h), if I wanted him to shock her heart in case maybe it would start working again. I said to go ahead because I did not want to lose my mother. I will always try out the risky thing if it means saving a life – or a love.

It didn’t work to bring back my mother.

On the other hand, this going it alone bit will sometimes work to bring in an avoidant spouse. I’ve seen that many times.

So, of course, you want to know how that works.

Well, it basically comes down to making your partner feel cared for even when he isn’t showing you love and care so that he will drop that defensive shield that he has put around himself.

See, the only - and I repeat, only - purpose for going it alone is to get him to join you in working on himself.

It is not to be a martyr or a victim. I don’t want that for you.

It is so that he feels safe enough to say to you, “You seem so calm lately. You’re not picking on me every moment anymore. I haven’t been nice to you – I realize that – and you’re still nice to me. What gives?”

Why do I think this could happen to Ms. Questioner who wrote me?

Simply because she also confessed that they took a couples training course over a quick weekend – those have no staying power – and the glow did last for two weeks just as I predicted in a previous article. During that time, it was heaven being with her husband. He was nice, sweet, attentive – perfect, in fact.

I don’t know how it went off the rails, but I do know that in working with me I wouldn’t allow it to go off the rails. Not a chance.

Because I’m there, after him, wondering why he missed the last appointment or the last Q & A session. Once a person has committed to working with me and has started my program, I feel I have the right to hound them.

I realize that this work isn’t emotionally easy at times – although most people find it liberating and a joy. But still, I can see where the secret moments alone with yourself could maybe not be so easy. Especially if a person has been neglectful, mean, rude, or abusive.

That’s why I go after them with calls and texts to get back in the ring. And usually, they do. Which is all for the good. So I was/am optimistic that Ms. Questioner’s husband would, indeed, get back in the ring, too; he would see the benefits.

But let’s move on to her second objection: She felt like I’m taking her to task, as if I’m not recognizing her victimhood. And that is probably true. I don’t want to see her as a victim. I want to see her as the beautiful, strong, capable, smart, kind, savvy person she really is. Not like a victim who has suffered terribly.

I know that seeing her strengths doesn’t do anything to relieve the pain she’s in. But I’d like to ask her a question:

Would she rather I commiserate with her now in the pain she’s in and spend I-don’t-know-how-manysessions validating it, or would she rather I point to her strengths and capabilities and cheer her on to get to her goals?

Because I did not think she wanted to end the marriage. I thought she wanted to save it.

So, yeah, she is a victim.

And I don’t want to see her that way. And I hope she doesn’t either.

On the other hand, if she and he were to work with me in my program, then the main focus for her would not be the marriage; it would not be him. It would be her – and her healing. Just as it would be for him. They both first need to heal from whatever pain they’ve suffered in order to come

together in a kindly, loving way to discuss honestly whatever they need to.

Which brings me to her third question: Why do I treat abusers and narcissists like victims when they are so mean?

The answer is because they are both. They are mean; they are abusive. And they are victims, too.

Now here is where I do just the opposite of what I’ve done for her. I don’t want to see her as a victim right now, before she even starts to work with me because that’s not the real her. She is something better than that. She has strength.

But for him, the truth is not the part of him that wants to put on a display of toughness. Because that superficial look at him doesn’t solve the problem. And it’s not the real him.

And I am all about solving the problem.

Let me back up.

When I’m talking to her, solving her problem means finding the true strength, character, and self-love that is within her (which have been hidden behind the terrible messages she’s been given) so that she can be the secret sauce that brings him safely to me for his work.

But when I’m talking to him, solving his problem means that I must not look at the surface. His surface is meanness – which is the wrong place to start or I will accomplish nothing.

For him, the truth is the goodness that got hidden under the meanness. The goodness was there a long time ago, maybe not showing much since he was a child. But it is there. After all, that must be what she was attracted to when they married.

And we have to uncover it.

That is where his victimhood lies.

It lies in the childhood that was ripped away from him by divorce, bad words, neglect, insensitivity, being passed around to people who couldn’t relate, maybe even crime in the family. There is a scared, miserable child – a victim – still living inside his soul. And that victim needs healing. So let’s tie all this together.

For her to heal, she needs to get him to stop the abuse.

For her to get him to stop the abuse, the last thing to do is to retaliate. That just sets up escalations. Instead, she has to make him feel safe so that he doesn’t run the other way when he’s not saying nasty things.

If he does feel safe with her, she might persuade him to work with me.

If he works with me, he will get healing methods based on the principle that we are all good, however mean we may behave. He and I will begin the journey with cutting edge healing methods so powerful that they work every time. (For some people, that may take longer, but they literally work every time. And I have staying power.)

She and I also will work with those same cutting edge healing methods. And we will not work together with him for a couple of months.

In my program, I used to put “Have a Conversation” as the first module of my program, complete with all the known rules of conversations in which people share, get along, and make progress.

Except that no one would.

They were afraid to fight so they wouldn’t talk – even with all my guidelines.

Now “Conversations” is the last module in my training. It has to come after healing, after getting triggers under control, after reaffirming one’s love for oneself and commitment to continued self-valuing.

But I totally understand where this Questioner came from. She was rightfully angry. It’s just that the anger won’t get her toward her goals.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.