Getting My Confidence Back by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Getting My Confidence Back

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Iwas talking to three “people” today. Well, actually, my Self was talking to one part of me and to my deceased mother, a”h, as if she were there and we could have a real conversation.

There is only one reason for you to listen in on that conversation. Only one:

That’s to tell you – emphatically – that you can do the amazing thing that I did, too. There is nothing different about me, nothing about me that is more of anything than you. So, as you will see in just a bit, I’m going to show you the steps in the kind of conversation you can have with parts of you that you just don’t understand, parts that seem out to get you and hurt you.

Curiosity is Step One. Yes, really! It makes no sense to be angry at parts of you – after all, they’re you. And as I’ve been saying for quite a few weeks in this column, their only goal in life was to help you. Even their annoying, angry behavior was meant to help you.

This makes sense because the direction of our energy is towards survival. It just doesn’t feel helpful more often than not. Which is why curiosity is key. You get to the ikker that way.

So let’s get back to the conversation I had…

It was concerning the fact that I came to believe that my mission in this life is to help bring shalom bayis to couples.

See, some of you may recall four – almost five years ago (Pesach will be five years) – my husband, a”h, passed away, and I realized, really in my gut realized, how fleeting life is.

That’s when I told myself that it was time to stop kicking the can down the road regarding my personal mission, and, as Nike says, just do it.

So I started working on my amalgam of therapy, coaching, and a course in which people would not merely learn how to “communicate” – because any two people can do that and then walk away thinking, “What, exactly, did we talk about?”

Rather, it would be more. It would be deep. It would be intimate.

Therefore, it would require other elements to make all that happen.

And I struggled to put together something that people could understand. Something easy to learn and yet be transformational.

I struggled not only to make the course superior – no, superlative – but to convey that to others. After all, why would anyone take it if they didn’t see the benefits?

That one piece – conveying how phenomenal the course is – takes something I didn’t have. It takes salesmanship. I was the little kid who hid behind my mom’s dress when we were out walking on the street and she encountered an acquaintance.

I didn’t want that to be part of the deal. I wanted people to automatically line up at my door. Which was, of course, ridiculous thinking. The very fact that the delivery method was wildly different from traditional therapy seemed to me a plus. But others could see it as too weird, too different, and, therefore, a minus.

So I would have to explain myself in a way that made sense, was appealing, and, most importantly, convinced people that what I offered was exactly as amazing as I thought it was.

Tall order.

But it happened.

Slowly, people came on board.

And changed because of it.

Transformed, actually.

I started getting raving remarks, off the cuff, unsolicited. I started feeling encouraged.

But for some reason, that didn’t stop an annoying voice in my head doubting my role, my goal, and my future success. What was that voice? Where did it come from? Why was it bothering me when I was doing well? In fact, why did it bother me just before every conversation with people who were interested in working with me?

You would think that my inner voice would be encouraging, right?

But we all, or mostly all, have an inner critic that does not let up, even when we’re doing well. Our tendency is to shove that critic in the basement where it’s out of our way. But don’t do that! Usually, our inner critic is a child that came into being when we were little. So it thinks with a child’s mind. It deserves love and appreciation for its childish efforts to help, not being shut off out of awareness. It needs a conversation.

With curiosity.

So I combined two self-love activities this morning: jogging around my apartment and having the conversation that follows:

Critical Part: You don’t seem to enroll people. Why just last week, you didn’t enroll that couple.

Me: It’s true. I hoped to help that couple. But I do know why they wouldn’t have worked out. Not everyone likes un-traditional therapy, after all.

Critical Part: Yeah, so this next call will be the same.

Me: I really don’t know why you’re saying that. Just this week, several people had called to tell me about their pleasure at the program. Look at Miss X, for example. She just told me the course is “amazing” and she’s learned so much (and then she launched into ground-breaking personal discoveries). And Miss Y said that it is helping her with her other family relationships, not just her husband. And Mr. Z told me he’s embracing that little boy within who was shut down for so long. And even skeptical Mr. A told his wife he was glad they took the course. Not to mention Miss B who was going AWOL and I figured out a clever way to rope her back into working and she thanked me for it, saying, “Thank you for not giving up on me.” So there! Why are you telling me all these negative things, anyway?

Critical Part: Because that’s how it’s always been. That’s my job. I’ve always told you that you won’t succeed.

Me: Well, I can see you doing that back in second semester Organic Chemistry at Queens College when I spent hours studying for the final starting at the beginning of the course, only to find the final was not cumulative and covered the end which I didn’t get to that night <sigh>. But here I am with proof that it’s working beautifully and people are changing rapidly. What’s the point of this?

Critical Part: I told you it’s my job.

Me: But if you’re trying to help me, how will this kind of a job help?

Critical Part: So it will let you down easy, that’s why! You won’t be surprised!

The voice had come from deep inside me. I knew it was right; that was how it saw its purpose.

Me: It’s OK! I don’t need to be “prepared” for a let-down! When people don’t join, I learn something. Why only last week, the couple that didn’t join inspired me to create a really explicit brochure on what’s in the course. That was a good thing. I’d much rather go into a call feeling enthusiastic that I can help someone than to be told ahead of time that I’m not going to succeed.

Critical Part: Well, I got the idea from your mother.

Me: How old was I when you came into my life because of my mother?

Critical Part: Oh, about six.

Me [to Mom]: Mom, I’m so sorry for what you went through in your life! If only I could heal you now. I have the vah. The part of me that tunes into reality, the feedback I get from people, tells me that I should have confidence. The Critical Part seemed to get smaller. It looked to me and its voice

What was that voice? Where did it come from? Why was it bothering me when I was doing well?

tools now, Mom. When I was six, what did I know? When I was six, and I got the four A’s and a B, and you asked me why I got the B, how would I know? Even at 16, how would I know why with all my studying I didn’t ace it? I was a kid. A kid doesn’t know why. But what happened is that I took the message the opposite of how you meant it. I get that now. You wanted me to see myself as you did – smart, that I could have done better. But what I took away from all those times you asked that same question was that since I worked and worked my tail off and still only got the B (not counting organic chem that semester), I must not be so smart, after all. Now, Mom, I’m coming to see that maybe it was those conversations that eroded my confidence. Yes, the conversations themselves.

Me [to my Critical Part]: Can you see that?

Critical Part: No.

Here, I was conversational with my Critical Part, not angry. Just so you understand the tone…

Me: Well, every time you have a conversation about something, that’s what you tend to focus on. We never had a conversation about how well I did. So if I was going into a test and you learned to undermine my confidence right there, that’s what I believed. And that would cause the very result we were not wanting. That’s how you got it from my Mom. Now do you understand?

Critical Part: [sheepishly] Yes, now I see it.

Me: So, while I appreciate your intention to help, like I said, I do not at all mind a hard fall sometimes. That is what Hashem does for us to help us learn. That’s called yissurim shel ahaeven sounded to me like that of a child, the child that I used to be. It decided to run off and play.

Research shows that logical conversations take place in the prefrontal cortex of our brains while emotional reactions shoot their way through the limbic system. The more we can have conversations – based on curiosity – with the parts of ourselves that seem to be disruptive, the more our understanding will reside where it belongs, in the cerebral cortex, and the less it will be trapped in the limbic system.

Specialists in Internal Family Systems work see their clients relaxing and feeling relief when they start to think of their parts as not “them” but only parts of them with an agenda, an agenda with good intentions but a child’s perspective.

You, too, can raise your confidence level – or make any changes to your internal dialogues – in this way. Doing this work together brings a new, open dimension to your relationship.

It is often a slow and challenging process, but it is absolutely doable once you’ve been trained.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.