Parenting Pearls

Preparing for a Chag Kosher V’Sameach

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

It’s Rosh Chodesh Nissan! We’ve all heard the many jokes about Pesach: “your spouse isn’t chametz and your children aren’t the Korban Pesach.” It’s a shame that so many of us dread Pesach.

I remember as a newlywed when the wife of a family friend told me to look on aish.com for the article “Passover cleaning made easy” by Rabbi Yitzchak Berkovits. I’ve mentally thanked her every year since – thanks again! There are other similar articles but they all focus on one thing: bringing practical halacha into the Pesach picture.

This column focuses on parenting and education-related topics so I will try to keep to that subject. I won’t discuss the many relevant Pesach issues such as household organizing, gebrokts recipes, or insightful divrei Torah, as I’m sure TJH has its own experts to address that. This article is also not here to convince you to be lax in any halacha or family minhag. I strongly believe we can have a (mostly) relaxing Pesach preparation, enjoying our children and following halacha exactly. While I might mention halacha, organizing or other related topics, it’s all with a focus on preparing for Pesach with children.

Focus on What Needs to be Done

I mentioned an article above, but there are many such options. Find out practically what is and isn’t halacha. Don’t be afraid to ask your rav to clarify things. I have been pleasantly surprised when I’ve asked our rav whether or not something is required. Not only did I receive very practical advice, but it often saved parts of my sanity. There are many things that people feel they “have to do” but a rav might not agree. I trust my Rav knows halacha. It’s better to ask than to scream or cry.

Don’t do “extras” if they will cause you anxiety. I’m not a posek, but I’m willing to guess that if taking on something unnecessary causes you to yell at your children, then you may have lost more than you gained. Do what is necessary and then worry about extras later. In the event I don’t follow my own advice, then I try to make it clear to myself and my children that what I’m doing isn’t Pesach cleaning but “extras.”

Why Not Do It All?

Because you can’t, or at least not well. Too often, we get stressed and then we take it out on the people in our lives. It’s too easy to get upset at our children as we are busy preparing. It’s not easy on us to be high strung but it’s not easy on our kids either. It’s truly sad when preparing for yom tov leads to shouting matches.

We are creating our children’s Pesach memories. Do we want those memories to include Mommy screaming for three weeks straight? I’m not expecting we will all spend every moment of cleaning singing a joyous song. I am both a realist and a person that dislikes scrubbing. I would just like to suggest that perhaps there is a way we can take the stress down a notch and the simcha up a notch. Before we do something unnecessary that will cause us to get angry, let’s think about if the benefits outweigh the losses and if the parent we are showing our children is the one we want them to remember.

There is a third reason to not try to do everything. Our children learn from our actions. There are so many children that walk around with a distorted view of halacha because they inadvertently thought something was required. If I decide to organize needlessly, I will often verbally tell my children that this isn’t necessary. My kids shouldn’t think organizing their toys into the correct bin is halacha.

Spring Cleaning

I strongly believe “spring cleaning” should not happen for the Jewish community in the spring. “Preparing for spring cleaning” is from Chanukah to Purim in our house. Please don’t ever try to spring clean from the end of Purim until Pesach unless you’re one of those people who loves to dust and it relaxes you. You have all summer to tidy your laundry room; maybe now isn’t the time. Personally, I’ve often found that organizing in advance (before Purim) makes Pesach preparations much easier and calmer. We often don’t realize how much time is spent on the spring cleaning portion of our preparations. Removing clothes from a drawer, checking the drawer for real chametz, and returning the clothes takes about two minutes. Try it. But what we end of doing is taking out the clothes, checking the drawer, removing the off-sized clothing and off-season clothing, and refolding everything while placing them into neat piles of pants, shirts, underwear, socks, etc. This takes a lot of time. Clothing that is too small or off-season isn’t chametz and can be dealt with at another time. To be honest, resorting the clothes into neat piles is also likely a waste of time because your child will probably mess it up within two days.

Be Realistic

Children are amazing at undoing everything we’ve already done. They are wonderful at making everything twice as hard. At least they’re cute. Very cute. Know they will innocently, but skillfully, make it harder. Plan around them and their unintended plans.

Personally, I clean the areas first that are off the main floor and do the main floor last because it’s the hardest place to prevent food traveling. I find it helpful to avoid real chametz snacks from the time I start checking areas that are near the kitchen and dining room. If it can travel, then it needs to be kitniyos or something else that I don’t mind finding in the cracks on Pesach. This is what works for me with little ones, but everyone has their own preferences. I don’t try to drive myself nuts by serving chametz and chasing them down.

Try to find what will be your best bet of not having everything undone and still having your sanity. I know it can be a tall order. If they do undo things, then the best I can tell you is to remember that they’re cute. Very cute.

organize your time; I’ll leave that to others. What I will tell you is that everyone has what works for them, and you should find your happy medium. Don’t feel the need to discuss or compete with others. Personally, I have my own order for getting the many Pesach preparations done. I prefer cleaning and kashering earlier and being a bit more relaxed the week or two leading up to Pesach. This is what works for me, but it may not be what works for you. It also helps that I don’t eat gluten year-round so we’re used to gluten-free living.

Other families I know feel it’s too much to keep up and maintain, so they do it all last minute. I know families that do the house from top to bottom during bedikas chametz. See what will best meet your needs, and do what works for you. You don’t need to compare your schedule to other family’s or win the kashering-first competition. Do whatever works best for you and your mental health – just get it done before the Seder.

Find tricks to make life easier. Many families have learned tricks of the trade over the years. Some of my best tricks came from more experienced families. I’ll include some examples.

Instead of clearing out drawers for cutlery and kitchen utensils, I was told to just get a small storage cart with drawers. That cart becomes my Pesach kitchen drawers and gets stored each year with the items in them. I purchase a precut, extra heavy duty plastic to cover my table and make it ready for Pesach. I then put my Pesach tablecloth on top of that – no cardboard or anything else complicated.

If you find something isn’t working or is getting complicated, then it may be worth asking around to get ideas from others. It may take a few misses before you get the idea that works for you, but you may find some excellent time savers.

Assign jobs. Kids can be a part of things and often enjoy being included. There are so many jobs children can do that are not only helpful but also allow them to contribute. I’ve even given little ones the responsibility to put away things that I hand them. They save me from running around, and they love being a big helper.

My life became easier when I finally let go of doing everything myself and accepted that kids can help even if they won’t do it exactly as I do – and that’s OK.

Make it Fun

Find ways to make it fun and exciting. We have an ice cream party if we finish everything by a predetermined day. My mother’s family had a special minhag to test the freezer each year by placing inside it two packages of chocolate-covered marshmallows. By tasting one every hour or two, you can tell if they’re getting colder and the freezer works. The recipe changed and this no longer works, but a minhag is still a minhag. Some families eat out for a meal, while some families have pizza night. Some families like to play music or go for a trip to celebrate completing their jobs. I try to give each child one errand they get to do privately with me.

There are so many things you can do to make Pesach preparations more fun to do and create joyful memories for your children.

Pesach, even the preparations, should be an exciting time for everyone. It may be a more involved yom tov than others, but that doesn’t need to translate into weeks of anxiety and frustration. Do what you can to make life a little easier and focus on doing what really needs to be done. Take some time to breathe and enjoy that you, too, are becoming free.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.