Parenting Pearls

Parenting Pearls Accepting Errors

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

On erev Shabbos, I gave haircuts to four of my sons. It was a treat having those children look extra fresh at the Shabbos table Friday night. On Shabbos morning, I heard the unmistakable sound of a beard trimmer. By the time I came out of my room, it was too late. My young son had a nearly bald spot in the center of his hair, just above his forehead.

We all make mistakes. We might wish it were different, but it’s an annoying part of being human. As I gazed at the sweet head of my young son – the one that mischief seems to chase – I thought of how important it is to accept the errors children make, too.

He’s not the first child to attempt his own hairdo. It’s almost a right of childhood. A few of my children did this, despite the rule on not allowing scissors loose in the house. In fact, this is one of the reasons for that rule. One of my daughters buzzed the same location just before my sister’s chasuna. Friends have confided that their children have done the same. Apparently, I started my brother’s upsherin under the dining room table a week prior to the scheduled event (sorry, Benji). My mother caught it fast, and he had enough hair for the real celebration. I’m guessing most families have a few do-it-yourself haircut stories of their own.

It’s easy to get upset over these situations. In fact, we each could write a humorous article just discussing the various lapses of judgement children make. I have a feeling each child would require their own book. Every family has the dishes that have broken after being precariously perched, the food spilled, and the beverages splashed over. As parents, it’s very frustrating, and we can easily get angry. Too often, the culprit gets in big trouble for something they either did accidentally or when they couldn’t have known better.

Intention

The first questions we can ask ourselves when something happens are “was it intentional?” and “should the child have known better?”. These are two distinct but crucial issues to tease out.

Let’s discuss intention. Accidents happen to everyone. I’m not going into the depths of Bava Kama, but I want to bring out a few possibilities. Sometimes, there was no intention at all to do the offending act. Tripping and spilling something is truly completely unintentional. There is nothing that could have prevented that.

Sometimes, something occurs that was unintentional but could’ve been prevented with foresight. Carrying too many plates at one time and then dropping them is such a case. The breakage was accidental but carrying fewer dishes at a time would be preventative.

Finally, we come to where it was intentional. Smacking a sibling usually comes into this category. Throwing a puzzle on the floor, upturning a filled cup, and food fights are generally intentional. Throughout this article, I’m assuming the offense was not in this category as this is a chinuch issue that needs to be addressed differently.

Fair Expectations

Should the child have known better? This is important to determine. We have to be realistic and have fair expectations, both about what children are expected to understand and when they can really have self-control to restrain themselves based on that knowledge.

Little ones usually can’t think far ahead and see the end result of their actions. They might throw something fragile without realizing that it’ll break. While it seems obvious to us, it’s not clear to them. Let’s just say they wouldn’t be good at determining a p’sik reisha; they’d cut off the chicken’s head and then wonder why it’s not acting normally.

Even if they “kind of” understand something is wrong doesn’t mean they are capable of controlling themselves in the moment. If you ask them if hitting is wrong, they’ll say “yes.” If someone upsets them, fists will still fly. Similarly, they might know you don’t want them sneaking a snack but if they see a tasty treat they can’t seem to hold back.

Halacha has a chinuch category for when a child understands the word “no” consistently. “Consistently” is the key. Halacha understands that a child may know it’s forbidden now but not realize the same two minutes later. Once you turn your head, they forget you forbid it.

Our Reaction

Too often, we instinctively yell or punish a child for a misbehavior that they really couldn’t have been prevented. I understand it’s frustrating when they break or mess up things, ruin our hard work, or cut their own hair. They spill, throw, and topple the messiest and most destructible of items. They’re truly talented. Many of us have that child about whom we can joke that they don’t try to get into trouble, mischief just seems to follow them wherever they go. It’s like kavod – the more they run away, the more it chases them.

Rather than get angry automatically, as challenging as that is, it can be helpful to stop and determine if the child is fully at fault. If steps could have been taken to prevent the mishap, then that’s the next goal.

As annoyed as we may be, we really can’t fault a child for something completely beyond their control. Most likely they feel bad enough already and yelling at them is just rubbing salt into an already painful wound. Sometimes it’s just plain confusing for them because they don’t understand what they did. Even if forethought could’ve prevented the mistake, it doesn’t mean a child that age or developmental level is capable of thinking ahead.

If preventive measures would have helped, then we want to implement them. The age and maturity of the child determines if you should show them how to do things differently or if the prevention is solely your responsibility. Let’s use helping to serve and clear the Shabbos table

as an example. Demonstrating to a child how to properly carry the Shabbos plate can help them successfully carry the dish to and from the table. They may need reminders for the first few weeks, along with hands-on assistance in positioning their grip. Alternatively, for a younger child you may not give them anything breakable to carry. They may best assist by carrying something empty made of plastic. Ensuring a child is only given items light enough for them to lift would be another form of parental prevention. Children should help, in an age-appropriate way, to clean up whatever mess they make (assuming there is no danger involved such as broken glass).

Children often benefit from being shown all the steps in a task, even the parts that seem obvious to us. Acting out the steps and hands-on practice is more effective than lecturing or giving it over orally. Showing a child the correct way to do something is usually the best method. It can be helpful for parents to remember that children generally want to do the right thing but don’t always know how.

Sometimes, parents may find it best to just accept or laugh off the offense that occurred when there’s nothing further to do. His hair won’t to laugh it off or make light of the situation. Unsafe situations require chinuch and need to be taken far more seriously.

It’s important to prioritize the child over the object. We may be upset about losing the broken item, but

As I gazed at the sweet head of my young son – the one that mischief seems to chase – I thought of how important it is to accept the errors children make, too.

grow back faster if I get angrier. Yelling makes everyone miserable and rarely improves things. An exception to this rule is if a child acted dangerously. If a child did something dangerous or risky, then you don’t want parental anger can be devastating to a child. We want to save our emotions for a situation that warrants it. As frustrating as a mess is, it’s generally merely an inconvenience and shouldn’t be given the same weight as an actual danger, such as a child playing with matches or knives, chas

v’shalom.

I once saw it written that if we aren’t perfect as adults, it’s unrealistic to expect our children to have attained perfection at their age. All of us, but kids especially, make everyday mistakes that are mostly a nuisance but not a risk to someone’s safety. Trying to laugh off the error (but not laugh at the child) can go a long way in saving our sanity and keeping a calm environment in our homes. Most of these mishaps are something that will make us smile years down the line; we might as well start seeing the humor now.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.