7 minute read
Teen Talk
By Mrs. C. Isbee
Dear Teen Talk, Teen Talk,
Teen Talk, a new I am a thirteen-year-old girl who has a few column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for. questions that have to do with friendship. At the beginning of the school year, my best friend left school to be home-schooled. We keep in touch, and she even came to my house once, but it feels as though our friendship is weakening. Our communication is minimal and far in between. How can I ensure that our connection stays strong? I have been feeling lonely because I remember this strong connection with this friend in school that I don’t share with anyone else. I am friendly but feel I have no close friends. A friend once noticed I was looking down, and when I confided in her, she pointed out that many girls would consider themselves to be friends of mine. I am not sure if now I have a bunch of superficial friendships, or maybe they are deep friendships. How do I know if these are quality relationships? And, how can I maintain the relationship with my former best friend?
Dear Thirteen-Year-Old Girl,
You seem to be a very selfaware and sensitive young lady who is striving to make the most out of your social life. I would like to address your concerns. I am sure it has been difficult to adjust to school life without your best friend there. Moreover, it seems like the quality of your friendship with her has changed. Welcome to the wonderful world of relationships! As time goes by, our relationships evolve and change, and if we want to keep certain friendships strong, we need to make adjustments. When you graduate high school and go out into the real world, your closest friend will no longer be together with you on a daily basis, yet you can still both keep the friendship secure. Think of this predicament as getting a head start in dealing with this normal challenge.
Keeping your attachment strong is hard,
because you are not experiencing life together on a daily basis. You are no aware and sensitive young lady who longer sitting in class simultaneously is striving to make the most out of listening to the same teachers. You are your social life. I would like to ad- not able to see each other in between dress your concerns. sessions in the hallways, and lunchtime is never spent together. The attachment you felt with her was real, however, it was easy to keep it going because you shared events of the day and were in close proximity to her. Now that you are no longer sharing school matters with her,
secure. Think of this predicament as getting a head start in dealing with this nor-
Keeping your cause you shared events of the day and were in close proximity to her. Now that you are no longer sharing school matters with her,
keeping close is challenging.
You say that you have gotten together, yet you feel you’re both drifting apart. Next time, when you get together, I would suggest you do something meaningful with her, like learning something together, doing a joint project, or going on an outing together. When you share an experience, it builds your bond, just as in the past, when you shared experiences in school. It also gives you what to talk about with one another. Every time you meet, you’ll start where you left off and develop a routine with each other. This could be your special friendship outside of school. Just as certain plants
need more water or more sunlight for them to grow, certain friendships need more care in order for them to flourish.
Regarding your relationships with your schoolmates, it’s good you confided in your friend. She assured you that many girls believe they’re friends with you. (You even mentioned that the girl you confided in was your friend!) Just because you don’t feel as connected to them as you did to your best friend does not mean you don’t have friends. Truthfully, you are fortunate that you had a best friend all these years in school. Not everybody is lucky enough to have that. It sounds like you poured most of your time and energy into this best friend, which means that now that she is not in school with you anymore, you have to seek out or strengthen other friendships.
The best way to acquire friends is through giving and positivity. Give of yourself – whether it’s a kind word or a helping hand. When you compliment or praise others, they feel comfortable being in your presence, and hopefully, as a result, solid friendships will develop.
Think about it for a moment. When someone compliments you, it feels good, and you’re more likely to connect with that person. Being a positive per-
Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.
through giving and positivity. Give of yourself
son also makes others feel at ease with you. People don’t enjoy being in the presence of individuals who are negative or sarcastic. My father, HaRav Yonasan Binyamin HaLevi Jungreis, zt”l, used to say that the key to acquiring and keeping friends is to have a lev tov, a good heart. Thinking of others, projecting outwards, and going out of your way to help them with their needs on a consistent basis maximizes your opportunities to forge new friendships. Now I would like to address your quandary about whether or not you have quality relationships with your friends. I prefer to use the word “quality” to describe your friendships, rather than “superficial” or “deep.” The connections that you may consider to be “superficial” may actually be quite significant! Just because a friendship is not “deep” does not mean it’s not
imim- portant. portant. Try not to label a casual Try not to label a casual relationship as “superficial.” relationship as “superficial.”
Casual relationships are often quality relationships. They can be meaningful and are essential. I recall having some great times with certain friends in school. They did not necessarily know personal details about my life, and we did not engage in deep conversation, but we used to joke and had really fun times together. It was good for me to have friends who could appreciate a good laugh. These kinds of kinships were healthy for me! I remember I was friendly with a girl from school who lived near me. Yes, it was a friendship out of convenience, as we relied upon each other to walk to and from the bus stops together, however, we spent quality time together. Even though we didn’t share intimate information with each other, the mutual regard we had for one another was very enriching.
Appreciate the status of your connection with someone else and don’t get discouraged because it’s not as potent as you would like. Over time, many of my initially “superficial” friendships actually bloomed into solid, strong, and “deep” relationships. By truly cherishing the essence of every connection you have, you will ultimately bring out each relationship’s potential to its fullest.
Making new friends takes time. You have to be patient, as it doesn’t happen overnight. If you have your priorities in place about the importance of all kinds of friendships, then you will appreciate the relationships you have as you journey through life.
