Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb Navigating a Restricted Life

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

There have, actually, been some amazingly good outcomes from this corona thing.

Someone threw away his cigarettes so he would be better able to make use of a ventilator should he need one. That’s cool.

My neighbors don’t fail to ask if I need anything or to just chat. There’s a lot of love that has been shown throughout this ordeal.

But the best story came out of the news. Since Jews, especially in Crown Heights, were the hardest hit by this, according to “public health data,” there was a literal flood of volunteer blood plasma donations from the Jewish American world to help hospitalized individuals who simply couldn’t pull through without that assist. Accord

ing to CBS News, tens of thousands of Orthodox and Hasidic Jews came forward to donate blood. This is the largest use of plasma transfusions to date in the world. What an incredible kiddush Hashem.

There’ve also been positive changes in the way we do things that, perhaps, are for the good. For example, I’ve been seeing people around the country and overseas for 20 years, although back in the “old” days it was just by old-fashioned phone. The thing is that the fields of therapy didn’t know what to do with this concept. Over the last decade, many people would write articles in the professional magazines about how useful such a practice is, for example, to people in rural places, or they would make other positive points about tele-health, but the field seems to be kind of clunky and wasn’t able to wrap its collective head around such things. Well, those days are past. Even my recent issue of the AAMFT (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) magazine noted that we’re now taking this telehealth thing for granted – and it’s a good thing.

The same thing happened with the even more entrenched medical field. Thank G-d for that. I have been able to do doctor visits by computer, and it saves hours of travel time and parking when you don’t have to go into the City.

I imagine many businesses will be far more relaxed about working from home going forward, too.

Zoom certainly made out well. I used to use it myself, but no one knew what app I was talking about. Now it’s a household word. Using this great method of communicating has been a most pleasant part of the whole picture.

In spite of all that, we wish this problem weren’t here. It has completely put a stop to so many pleasurable activities, and it has come between family members, dividing and separating them. I’m an example of that, unfortunately.

So I wanted to explore with you how to navigate that piece.

Just to lay the groundwork, I heard an interesting lecture recently. The guy was and is a public speaker and he was talking about mindset having a much bigger impact on how we feel than other things that we think weigh heavier on us than they actually do. He gave the following example: he said that he used to be very annoyed and insulted when he was publicly speaking and someone would interrupt him. It’s rude, it’s a distraction, it’s whatever terrible things.

Then he decided that having that mindset wasn’t helpful.

You hear this? He decided what his mindset should be based on how useful to him it was.

So, he asked himself, what if I told myself that being interrupted was a good thing? A great thing? Why? Well, because if I am just up on stage doing a monologue, then I’m talking to myself, pretty much. I can get disconnected from my audience. But if you interrupt me with a question or a comment, then it forces me to be present, to hear you.

He decided that interruptions would, from that moment on, be amazing experiences and opportunities to connect in a real way with the people he was talking to.

That’s sort of like the decision to throw away your cigarettes, isn’t it?

They go from good to bad. Here, the interruptions go from bad to good. They’re all decisions.

This brings me to the point here: how can we make what has seemed bad – being stuck at home – good? How can we think of it differently so that it comes out well?

I interviewed some people just to get a diversity of opinions.

Grandchild #1, age 7 – “Oh, school is over at 3:30 and then we get to go outside and ride our bikes till 7. I used to think bike riding would be boring and I didn’t want to learn. But I learned and it’s so much fun!”

Grandchild #2, age 5 – “There’s nothing good about the corona virus.”

Me – “Well, is there anything good about being home so much?”

Grandchild #2 (with a big smile) – “Yeah, I really have to get along with my brothers and sisters.”

Neighbor – “Initially, the first weeks were really hard. I thought: ‘Sunday is hard to get through with these little kids. How will I get through two weeks of Sundays?’ But it taught me to stretch muscles I didn’t know I had. I’m actually enjoying it. It’s true, I can’t minimize the pain that other

people have gone through who lost someone, but for me it is wonderful for family to be together like this, deepening family connections. I’ve had more quality time with the kids. Like, for example, one of my kids needed OT. But with me, I’m working with him on coloring and I see his grasp has gotten efficient use of time.”

better. And my baby – I get to nurse her and put her down instead of pumping. Or, usually I never have enough time to walk with the kids. Now I do. Kids at this age are meant to be home. And the good part is that I am still able to work from home.”

Son #1 (who is an attorney) – “I used to find it totally unnecessary to always have to go to court just to get questions answered or to answer questions by the court. It took a lot of time. Now, working remotely is a far more

How can we make what has seemed bad – being stuck at home – good?

Son #2 – “I’ve enjoyed the time with the kids.”

This particular son never got time to sleep because he was watching the home-schooling all day, starting with exercise class in the morning! He would get to work remotely when his

wife came home from work as a nurse and would take over the child supervision. I know it wasn’t easy for him. His most frequent answer to “How are you?” is “Tired.”

Friend – One of my friends is also a widow and she thought it was so nice that people are checking in on her more than usual, either just to check or to see if she needs anything from the store. After all, we are alone the rest of the time, too, but now this virus has brought a lot of warmth out in peo

ple. It’s warmth we would appreciate any old time.

I took the liberty of asking Shoshana Soroka, the editor of this paper, if she could see anything good in the business during this time, given that so many advertisers have not been in a position to advertise during this corona siege. She pointed out that because there was less work to do for some people at the paper, staff are able to put more effort into projects that had been pushed off previously. Now, when things are back to normal, “it will be wonderful” to have these projects “ready to go.” And that’s from someone who most likely has lost revenue during this time.

If Hashem is tov and does tov, then there’s got to be good we can find, somehow, in this mess. But seeing it and choosing to act on it is a decision.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.