Dating Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

I am dating a boy who does not like his sisters.

He only has bad and negative things to say about them. Otherwise. he is an amazing bochur, a top learner, smart, kind, and generous. This is making me worried – how can I marry a guy who cannot even talk about his sisters in a nice way?

Thanks, Ahuva*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

You are right to identify this as an orange and possibly red flag. You need to discuss his relationship with his sisters in an open way and also probe why he is speaking negatively about them. Ask him to talk about other relationships in his life (friends, neighbors, mentors, classmates, competitors, and highly regarded people in his peer group). See if you find patterns. See if he is negative across the board. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, social skills, and more need to be explored.

Maybe he trusts you and is being very open. Maybe he has a lot of anger. Maybe there are deeper problems. Something seems wrong. Find out and decide accordingly.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

The way I see your situation from the way you describe it is as follows:

At best, he is immature, has always had a bad relationship with his sisters, and has major growing up to do.

At worst, he has poor middos, doesn’t appreciate those closest to him, and will likely treat his wife the same way.

A guy you are dating is on his best behavior; if his best behavior is belittling his family members in front of a future spouse, I wonder what his normal behavior looks like. You need to do some research on this guy and find out more about his history and past.

One more piece of advice: trust your instincts. If you’re feeling deep down that something is wrong here, most likely there is. Trust yourself on this one.

Hatzlacha!

The Single

Rivka Weinberg

Middos, middos, middos! If he does not speak positively about his family, I do not care how much of a top learner he is or how smart he is, that is a problem. As time goes on and you face various challenges together as a couple, him being an “amazing bochur” will mean absolutely nothing compared to how much his middos will play a role.

Now don’t get me wrong – every family has their own “stuff” and it’s not always smooth and peaceful, but for him to never have a positive thing to say is a red flag to me.

Pay attention to the way he speaks to and about his mother and sisters, as they are the closest he comes to interacting with females around him. The patterns he is accustomed to in terms of how he treats and communicates with the people closest to him are those that he is now comfortable with and will most likely continue to express in the future.

However, to take a few steps back, I assume that if you are considering the idea of marriage with this guy, then you have already asked him about the relationship he has with his family and have spent time with them as well. If this is not the case, then you must do so immediately. Although you are not necessarily marrying his family, it is important to understand the dynamic you are getting into. Why is it that he has negative opinions about his sisters? Did something traumatic happen in the family that led to a rift? Do they feel the same way about him?

I wonder how his friends would describe his general attitude – is he known as a negative person? I advise you to proceed with caution and ask questions to ensure you receive answers you are comfortable with in order to continue further. As always, I suggest you reach out to someone whom you believe will give you proper guidance around this matter.

Keep in mind that if you decide that this guy is not the one whom you feel safe marrying, Hashem has a bigger plan and the right guy will be placed in front of you at the right time.

Trust yourself on this one.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

Sibling rivalry is very normal and healthy. Major hostility among siblings is neither normal nor healthy.

You need to do some detective work, because there are three pos-

sibilities here.

Possibility #1 is that your boyfriend’s sisters are actually very, very horrible people, and it’s amazing and fortunate that he was able to emerge unscathed from such an environment.

If that is the case, the two of you can still have a wonderful marriage. But, while you should always act properly and respectfully, maintain a healthy distance from the sisters and do not make them a major part of your lives.

Possibility #2 is that his sisters are actually very nice people, and there is something seriously wrong with your boyfriend. Observe carefully. Is he, generally, a negative person who has difficulty relating to others? Does he have good, healthy friendships with other people in his life, such as cousins, roommates, neighbors, peers?

And, with all due respect to Dr. Sigmund Freud, how does he get along with his mother? If he is like some men who have a problem relating to women, there is real danger in your future relationship.

Possibility #3 is that his sisters are, like most folks, average people with some good and some not-sogood qualities.

If so, you need to have a frank conversation with him, when you discuss how it bothers you to hear him talk negatively about his sisters. See how he responds. It is not OK to speak negatively about your family.

There is actually a wonderful opportunity for you in this situation. I know that in my family, sisters-inlaw have a very unique, precious, close relationship. You can have an important role in reconciling your boyfriend and his sisters and mending whatever caused such a significant rift in their family.

Think about what a wonderful role you might have in your new, expanded family, acting as the much-beloved, highly-appreciated, and invaluable peacemaker.

If his best behavior is belittling his family members in front of a future spouse, I wonder what his normal behavior looks like.

Pulling It All Together

The Navidaters

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists

Dear Ahuva,

Thank you for writing into the panel! Either your boyfriend’s sisters are not good people, which is a real possibility, or your boyfriend is a difficult person who finds flaws in his most intimate, loving relationships. The other possibility is that the parents had a hand in creating the hatred amongst the siblings, which can sometimes happen with parents who are narcissists.

Ahuva, this is your life! So if something is rubbing you the wrong way, you deserve to look into it and find out the answer. If you haven’t done so already, and if possible, my advice is to spend time with the sisters. Spend as much time with this family as possible. Please go there for Shabbos lunches or Sunday morning breakfast. Gather information.

You are in such a bind. I’m sure your boyfriend has given you a list of reasons why his sisters are awful. These reasons may or may not be true. There will be no one to tell you the truth, because there are two sides to every story.

I must state the following: a man who has issues with the closest women in his life, and who says how horrible they are, oftentimes does not make for a good husband. Even if the sisters are awful, if he has not worked through his emotional pain and has not contextualized it and grown from it, he still may make for a difficult spouse. Again, there is no crystal ball and no way to make a prediction

Ahuva, I know it may be hard, but you need to probe. You must ask questions. You must spend a lot of time with this family. You need to see the interac-

tions between your boyfriend and his sisters. And the mother, too! In your case, with your concern, it behooves you to set up a session with a couples therapist. Let’s see how your boyfriend reacts to the idea of speaking to a professional about this. He should be completely open to the idea because it is of great concern to you. Tell him kindly and specifically what your concern is and what you want to discuss. Please get a professional involved who can help you and your boyfriend navigate this. If your man gives you a hard time, that will be very telling.

I am saying the following to you, Ahuva, and to all the readers: go with your gut. Always trust that gut of yours. It’s a gift from Hashem to help us navigate this world. When your body is feeling anxious or uncomfortable, tell yourself I’ve got you. I’m not going to let you be in any sort of danger. I will protect you. Breakups are awful. They hurt like no one’s business. But you really, really, really, really deserve to be in a healthy relationship with a good person who is not difficult. Sometimes, families are very sick and there is one healthy person. This may be your boyfriend. Sometimes, families are wonderful or just normal and there is one person who has a twisted, perverted version of reality and he/she is angry at the family. This may be your boyfriend. If this is your boyfriend, the odds are that he will transfer all of his anger and unresolved mental and emotional health issues on to you. If you learn that the latter is the case in your therapy with him, please leave him.

Go for therapy, and if you’d like, please write back in to keep us updated and we will respond to the latest information.

Wishing you all the best! This is not easy, but congratulations for paying attention to your intuition and making yourself a priority! Kudos for paying attention! You should be very proud of yourself. This is not easy. But Ahuva, you’ve got this! You can do this. You will love yourself through whatever happens and you will be OK.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and certified trauma healing life coach, as well as a dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

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