7 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Keeping the Flame Alive
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
Chanukah is such a fun, family-focused yom tov. There is so much to enjoy, and there is so much room for creative expression in how we celebrate. Add in doughnuts with chocolate coins, and you’ve got a kosher party waiting to happen.
The pure fun is actually a bit ironic since the initial events we commemorate are a bit more solemn. The Syrian-Greek culture was trying to deny us our mesorah to the point that they brought avodah zarah into the Bais Hamikdash. There is plenty of seriousness behind the levity. We shouldn’t forget there was a deliberate attempt to remove us from our very source of existence as the Jewish nation – from the Torah. As we reflect on this history, it’s the perfect time to rededicate ourselves to passing on our mesorah in purity, reflecting on our values and recreating our mik-
dash miat.
Passing the Torch
Chanukah was a time when we were able to live as a people but were denied our religious beliefs. Unlike Purim, when we risked physical annihilation, on Chanukah we faced spiritual decimation, chas v’shalom. It’s important, as parents, that we recognize who we are and the beauty of our mesorah. Only by keeping that foremost in our consciousness can we pass that beautiful torch on to the next generation.
We live in a time of acceptance and freedom. We live in a medina shel chessed, and we are so fortunate to have the rights and freedoms we do. We have been blessed to be involved in every part of our society, from government to lay professions. It’s crucial that we always remember who we are and how we present ourselves in front of our children.
As we are given the opportunities to enjoy all this country has to offer us, we should simultaneously ensure our children, from the youngest of ages, don’t assimilate to the point of forgetting who they are. We are our children’s main role models, and we need to show them we are Jews in all we do – not a Jew only in only some situations. Halacha is all-encompassing, and we aren’t a Jew only at home or at shul; our actions should reflect our pride in who we are wherever we are.
Rededication
As time goes on, we can easily lose sight of our initial ideals. There is so much that goes on in our day-to-day existence, and so much hecticness, that we can quickly forget those larger goals we had. As we began to build our families, we had certain principles that were important to us. It’s normal that those high standards we once set can easily slide. Sometimes, it’s because we reevaluated and felt those initial standards were wrong, but oftentimes, it’s because we simply got bogged down by everything else around us.
Chanukah is a time of rededication. As we rejoice over rededicating the Bais Hamikdash, it’s an appropriate time to renew ourselves to our mikdash miat. This is the perfect time to rethink your values for the type of home you wanted, the standards you have for yourself, and the goals you set for your children.
Building a Mikdash Miat
It might sound strange to ask what kind of home you want since houses and apartments are inanimate objects. The type of home you build is completely separate from how you’d describe your rooms and walls. There is an atmosphere that exists in a home, and that’s fully disconnected from the physical structure.
You can have the fanciest exterior but lack warmth inside. I gained a new appreciation for this after speaking to a long-time family friend from my childhood. She told me how she always loved coming to my childhood home. She said that her home had fancy furnishings but lacked the love. My parents, she noted, kept the interior design simpler (little kids and expensive decor don’t always mix), but that even at its busiest she could feel the love radiate in our comparably humbler abode.
A home can be a shelter from the outside stresses and influences. These fortresses can give children a place of comfort and security to grow. A home can be a place of moral fortitude in an ever increasingly immoral world.
As adults, we have the opportunity to set the tone and decide the home we will build for our children. Additionally, we choose the type of home we will make for ourselves. Now is the perfect time to decide what we’d like our child to feel when entering their home. Decide what you’d like them to experience and make even just one or two concrete steps towards that goal.
Reevaluating Our Goals
We all have how we planned for our future selves to be and what we hoped for our children. Many of our former ideas may no longer be appropriate. Some may be unrealistic, while some may no longer fit you or your children and their needs. Alternatively, others may be important and something you’d like to incorporate into your life.
Carefully think of where you and your family are now. Honestly evaluate your former goals in light of your
current situation and needs. Don’t be afraid to toss out anything no longer relevant. Restate your principles and make sure your goals fit your current reality.
Be honest about where your children are currently holding and what their strengths and weaknesses are. It’s crucial that you set realistic expectations for each person, including yourself. Sometimes we make unfair expectations for ourselves, and that’s not fair to us either. Parents are people, too.
Bringing It Together
That was a very serious take on Chanukah. I don’t want you to think I forgot that Chanukah is also about light and joy. Both are something we need to include in our homes and family’s life. Life is serious but even being thoughtful and spiritually mindful should be done with joy and happiness. We have a beautiful lifestyle. The best, and most accurate, way to pass that torch on is to show our children the beauty and simcha inherent in our beliefs.
Chanukah is an easier time to make that happen. I’ll include a few ideas, but these are just a small sample of your options. You don’t need to do everything but simply implement
what you can. Make the menorah lighting family time. Sing and dance together after you light. Enjoy special meals or traditional foods together. Play dreidel or any games together. Make time for each other, as a group and/or individuals.
Your child wants you, and a bond with you, more than they want anything else. Give them whatever amount of you that you can. This is the greatest Chanukah gift. We’re all busy, and some adults will have more time than others. It’s never all or nothing. Just do your best and make whatever time you have together most
meaningful. That may mean including a child in the kitchen when you cook or bringing a buddy to tag along when you do an errand.
Words of Caution
I always have to ruin the fun with some warning – but that’s what parents are for. Kids get really excited by the menorah, as they should. Please take the time to read over the warnings put out by our local community organizations to ensure your family’s menorah experience is a safe one. The area where the menorah will be placed needs to be appropriately prepared in advance and watched for the duration of the flames burning. That entire area needs to be kept a kidfree zone. While the lighting should be leibedig, the festive atmosphere should be kept outside the fire zone.
Chanukah is both wonderful and meaningfully fun. Have a beautiful Chanukah together and enjoy every moment of passing on that torch.
May your family’s flame shine bright all year long.
Chag sameach!
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
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