3 minute read
JWOW
jewish women of wisdom
Memoranda Musings
By Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz
We were passing the time as we waited in the conference hall for the next speaker to begin. She was another frum woman sitting alone, and I reached out. After we did the Jewish geography thing, I plunged right in.
“So, what’s your work?”
“I’ve been in architecture, and during covid, I switched. I’m starting a fashion line.”
“Impressive,” said I, and we chatted another few minutes before she trusted me with a comment.
“I didn’t get the memo,” she noted looking around at all the under-forties wearing tiered long floral dresses to the Shabbos morning session. She was wearing a sharp black and white suit. I quickly reassured her that the Between Carpools crowd had teenage daughters, and that it was a good example to wear this look that offset tznius issues.
My brain was definitely saying something else. If she is in the fashion business, why didn’t she know that the gypsy-styled tiered midi dress was this season’s silhouette? She didn’t need a memo, but she didn’t think.
It is absolutely axiomatic for midlife parents not to tell their adult children what to do and what not to do. The Yiddish expression about opening your purse and closing your mouth is apt.
Our kids are in the business of parenting, too. They are adults, but sometimes they need the memo with its explicit communication.
Here are a few memos I have drafted and actually sent:
Thou shalt not take risky shortcuts when driving even if you are stressed. This means that you don’t make a U turn on Central Avenue in middle of the day. Life and limb hang in the balance.
Thou shalt not do inappropriate things for your children that you wouldn’t do for yourself “just because they want it.” If you can’t look someone in the eye when doing it for yourself, don’t do it for your child. Your judgment is key, not a child’s.
Thou shalt pay a shiva call or acknowledge a loss of someone whom you have seen regularly for a period in your life. It’s not a comfortable thing to do for many young people, but it is the menchlich thing to do, not to mention the Jewish thing to do. Feeling uncomfortable is not to be avoided all the time but that’s a subject for another column. You can
reassure them that they don’t have to say anything but sit for five to ten minutes, say Hamakom, and leave. Or they can write a short note with trite lines. As they increasingly practice nichum aveilim, their comfort level will improve.
Sometimes, you can be more subtle. My late grandmother never admonished her progeny directly. Instead, when she would observe behavior on the street, on the bus, and in the neighborhood (which was not a Jewish ghetto), she’d point out. “Poor them. Nobody taught them. They were never told that you don’t do this because it’s…”.
Whether it was throwing a wrapper in the street, raucous laughing, or irresponsible biking on the sidewalk, she would never get angry but speak in her usual dignified tones. She also walked the talk. She would pick up wrappers on the street and more.
We can sometimes tell an adult child about what we observed in their peer group that was objectionable. A reminder can be useful. “Please remember to ______.” “I’m sure your aunt in Switzerland would appreciate receiving a mazel tov call on the occasion of her first grandson’s wedding.” You can also tweak a more adult version of “it’s not OK to____.”
Sometimes, things just have to be said in a straightforward fashion.
This is my memorandum to mid-lifers. Send the select memo. Be explicit. Our adult children want it and need it. Even if they are in the line. Yes, you can circulate copies.
