Parenting Pearls

Encouraging Dreams

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

From the moment parents find out they’re expecting, they start to become curious about who this new person will be. From the excitement of finding out the gender to seeing how hair and eye color develop, new parents begin to dream and wonder. After birth, they can begin to see how their child’s temperament develops. Their personality continues to mature as they begin to talk and show more of themselves. The teenage years bring the incredible transformation from child to adult. Parents will naturally have their own goals and ideas for their child’s future.

Throughout this long journey that I heavily simplified yet passes too fast, your child will have many aspirations and dreams for themselves. Some will be short-term, while others will be for longer into the future. Some will be fanciful, while others will be firmly rooted in reality. As parents, we have the opportunity to encourage and mold our children as they create and pursue their goals.

While parents have many goals for their children, our children will develop their own goals, hopes, and dreams for their futures. Ultimately, it’s up to them to decide what direction their future will take. It’s not only natural but beneficial for our youngsters to make these decisions for themselves. While individuals should be the ultimate decisionmakers in their own lives, parents, mentors, and others around them will directly and indirectly influence those decisions. It’s a big responsibility and one that parents shouldn’t take lightly.

Little ones start thinking about their plans, both short- and longterm, from the youngest of ages. As parents, we have the opportunity to guide and encourage them or, conversely, discourage them. Often, little ones think big and impractical. Adults are naturally more pragmatic and can easily squash their little one’s hopes. While there is definitely a reason to encourage reality, there is also a place to allow children to explore their options and think of their dreams, even when impractical.

I will briefly mention, but not focus, on the relevant, important, and fascinating discussion of “nature” vs “nurture.” It’s a big debate that occupies much textbook space as scientists attempt to discover how much of our personalities and achievements are innate (nature) and how much is formed by our experiences and the influence from those around us (nurture). Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe wrote a phenomenal work called Planting and Building on this topic.

Respect Their Goals

I remember when, years ago, my son told me he wanted to become a lifeguard. I will admit I didn’t think it would happen but it was a fine goal to aim for. I don’t remember my response but it was most likely outwardly encouraging even as I doubted it inwardly. The next summer, he had already found out the requirements to become a lifeguard and was practicing them in the community pool, and I took note of this. It was only the next school year when he came to me and told me he had found two potential lifeguard instructors in our area that I truly realized how serious he was. I helped him pick his instructor and get set up for the course. He’s not only an excellent lifeguard but his brother followed suit, and they both take their responsibilities seriously.

Looking back, I am grateful I never told him that his goal was unrealistic but, sadly, I didn’t take his aspiration with the seriousness it deserved. Kids will have many dreams and aspirations as they grow up, and nobody can accomplish everything a child hopes to do. That being said, they may very well be capable of accomplishing some of those goals. The greatest accomplishments we see each day in every field were made by someone who dreamed big as a child.

You never know which of your children’s talents or hopes for the future will ultimately come to fruition. Don’t be so quick to disregard even their hobbies. I’m often surprised to see how many adults are in careers or accomplishing great things that started off as childhood whims. I could’ve dissuaded my son from becoming a lifeguard, and he would’ve risked missing out on all he’s gained from it. Personally, I would have missed out on seeing what he was capable of doing. Each child is so unique, and it’s worth seeing who each one can become and what each individual can accomplish.

Parents can, and should, guide their children. You don’t need to pressure, but if you see your child has a goal, you can make suggestions. If you see your child has a talent, you can help them pursue it. Making suggestions and giving options helps kids think beyond their own limited awareness.

It’s Normal

It’s normal for children to explore their identity and experiment with different options, particularly when they’re younger. Children don’t have the same sense of permanence and of identity that adults have. That’s why children can think they are really a fireman or a policeman just by switching clothing. They really believe they are playing the role, and that’s both normal and healthy. It’s also incredibly fun to watch. Some of our cutest family pictures are of the children making up costumes and playing in them. They took that playtime very seriously, as they should. For kids, this is very serious and a natural part of their development.

Exploring their options and hopes for the future are a part of them becoming who they are eventually meant to be. As they play different roles and think ideas through, they begin to tease out the possibilities. We certainly don’t want to discourage normal, healthy childhood development.

Don’t Mock Them

Don’t be quick to dismiss them. Children, especially teens, can surprise you. Many parents can tell you

of a goal their child set that they never believed possible until the child accomplished it.

I was in elementary school when my teacher wanted to encourage me to write, and she told me my writing would be published one day. It took a while but eventually this teacher was proven correct – about 30 years later. Yes, someone told her about my first article. I’m sure many teachers have told many of their students the same thing but eventually some of their students’ works will get published. By believing in someone when they’re young you can encourage them to go further.

We don’t need to lie to children to believe in them. You don’t need to tell every child that they’ll accomplish everything. We just don’t need to dissuade them from their possibilities. As children grow and mature, they naturally are better able to recognize where their talents are. For example, a child with a less-than-pleasant singing voice is unlikely to become the next Jewish music sensation. You don’t need to tell the child their voice isn’t going to make it. Eventually they will, on their own, recognize whether or not singing is their talent. Thinking through their options as they grow pick-up and plumbing. It’s a completely unrealistic expectation but let them enjoy dreaming. There’s no harm, and as they mature they will become more realistic in their choices of professions. Additionally, many goals that may seem impos-

The greatest accomplishments we see each day in every field were made by someone who dreamed big as a child.

helps them to weed out their future direction.

As long as the goal isn’t inappropriate according to Jewish law, then there’s little reason to discourage it. Many little ones want to be many things, such as a policeman that fights fires while doing garbage sible can become possible. Often, a goal that may seem inappropriate at first glance has a kosher way to redirect it. A friend with a beautiful voice sat on the sidelines thinking she could never become a singer once she became frum. A few years ago, she launched a professional music career performing for women.

Additionally, when we mock our child’s dreams, we are indirectly mocking our child. If something is important to them, then it should be important to us. It can be terrible for a child to have an adult they love and respect mock their sense of self.

Children tend to think beyond their own capabilities, and that’s normal. We can encourage and love our children as they think through their options and slowly finetune who their older self will be. As parents, we can enjoy watching our little ones slowly develop into the fine, mature individual they were always meant to become.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@ gmail.com.