13 minute read
Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear Navidaters,
Hi there!
I was wondering if the panel can come up with some helpful tips for a guy who is just starting out in the dating world. Any advice would be appreciated,
Yoni*
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Thank you for this question that will undoubtedly help many singles. I would like to start with the concept of building an initial connection. There are peripheral factors which play into the experience of a date before you even open your mouth to speak. When you go on a date you should look at it as if she is your guest and treat her as such. Be attuned to external factors which will make the date more comfortable. Some examples of this are the following: 1. Make sure the car is clean and smells pleasant 2. Clean under your nails and make sure you are showered and dressed nicely
3. Get a handful of fresh new dress shirts/pants and new shoes just for dating 4. Get to the date on time 5. Have your date planned ahead of time, including researching the place 6. Offer that she can adjust the AC/heat in the car for comfort 7. Always buy her a drink/offer snacks
You are taking this girl out, and you have a responsibility to take care of her like a mensch, as if you were taking care of a guest in your home.
The next level of comfort will come with conversation and comfortable connection. Examples of successful connection are the following: 1. Don’t drop the ball. Conversation should go back and forth (like a game of catch). It should go
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
from person to person, with equal amounts of give and take. 2. Appropriate reactions: If she asks you a question, do not just use “Yes” or “No” answers. This will lead to awkward silences and uncomfortable moments. Ask meaningful questions, answer in full sentences, elaborate, comment, compliment, and find similarity to your own life, explore mutual interests and experiences. Even before you go on a date, practice appropriate reactions with both family and friends. 3. *If you are a therapist, make sure not to talk to her like a client* 4. Do not dominate conversation or make her lead the conversation. It should be comfortable for both of you. 5. Think ahead about meaningful topics and stories you might want to share. 6. Ask about herself and things she is interested in.
More important than any piece of advice I could give is to be your genuine self. Feeling self-conscious about who you are will put a damper on the date. Work on becoming comfortable talking about yourself, including your accomplishments, interests, and talents while maintaining a comfortable balance of asking her about hers. Think about the “why’s” behind the things you do and inquire about her “why’s” as well.
While I could go on and on, I think this is a good start. Wishing you much hatzlacha and hope you find the right one with clarity, very soon!
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Yoni, I appreciate your question and think it is important to address, so thank you for having the courage to write in.
I would like to preface with the idea that I do not believe there is a rulebook for dating, and I would be doing a tremendous disservice to you and all of those reading this if I said there was one. No one can, or ever should, tell you what to feel and when. There is no such thing as “the first date should not exceed two and a half hours,” “on date 4 you must discuss,” or “if you are not all in by date X, call it quits.” Dating is an individualized process, and each person must do what he or she is comfortable with. People are not robots, so trying to automate one’s feelings is not a productive method. As I have stated before, and will continue to repeat, the words “should” and “supposed to” are not applicable in shidduchim.
With that said, I am not going to advise you one way or the other regarding specific attire or topic of conversation, especially because many of the questions you pose differ based on one’s hashkafa and personality. However, the underlying principle is that you put your best foot forward, so wear what makes you feel good and use common sense when conducting a conversation. While a yeshiva bochur may feel best in a suit and hat, a different guy prefers his nice jeans and a button-down shirt. Ultimately, it is important to dress and act in a way that shows you respect your date and the time she has given you. If you are unfamiliar with where you are going, then do your research ahead of time so you do not get lost and look unprepared. The small things with regard to planning make the biggest difference, and girls take note of that extra energy because it shows that you care.
Preparation is not limited to the date itself and the necessary details, it includes your mindset and the way you show up. I suggest a form of selfcare before a date to enable yourself to make a great first impression, whether that is going for a run, listening to your favorite song, or taking a nap.
I highly recommend having a rav or mentor, who knows you well, who you can turn to for support throughout the dating process. It is always good to bounce ideas off of someone who was once in your shoes and has experience guiding others through the journey you are beginning to embark on. However, it is important to follow your intuition, as you know yourself best, so if you are uncomfortable with the advice that person is giving you, do not feel pressured to listen to it.
As always, turn to Hakadosh Baruch Hu for clarity, as He is the ultimate Shadchan. I wish you much hatzlacha!
Don’t propose marriage on a first date.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
It seems to be a sad fact that many of our bright, young men are absolutely clueless when it comes to dating.
Unfortunately, this newspaper doesn’t have enough pages for a
comprehensive Dating Manual. You really need a big brother, shadchan, or parental figure to mentor you and bring you up to speed.
However, having said that, let me suggest some pragmatic dos and don’ts. 1. Do dress appropriately. There is no universal rule here, but obviously it will depend on whether you are going to the Metropolitan Opera House or to a bowling alley, and it will depend upon whether you are picking up your date at the rosh yeshiva’s house or meeting her at Starbucks.
Similarly, let the young lady know of your plans ahead of time. Women spend a lot of time preparing for a date, and need to know, for example, if they should wear high heels for a fancy restaurant date or comfortable walking shoes for a Bronx Zoo date. 2. Do let your her know, ahead of time, if you are planning on taking her for a meal, because she needs to know if she should eat before the date. But make sure to offer the girl something to drink no matter where you are taking her (lounge, bookstore, museum, etc.). And buy yourself a drink at the same time, so she feels comfortable accepting your offer. 3. Don’t make your date feel like she is going through a job interview. Yes, you want to get to know her by discussing her job or her classes. No, do not ask what kind of hat her father wears or if her mother wears a sheitel at the Friday night meal. (Years ago, one of my daughters went on a shidduch date, and the bright young man actually asked her, “What is your
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Yoni,
Thank you for writing! It’s always wonderful to begin any new venture with your open-minded attitude and disposition toward learning and growth. While there is so much wonderful dating advice to be offered, I have to keep it relatively short and sweet, focusing on seven main ideas and thematic constructs that most present themselves in the work I do with real, live human beings who are so brave as to bare their souls in my office. I learn from people every day! How lucky am I!
1. To thine own self be true
Yoni, as you begin to date you will have no shortage of well-meaning family and friends offering you guidance. Give her another chance! Are you sure you don’t want to go on a fourth date? My cousin’s friend almost gave up but on the seventh date she knew! Or, one of my personal favorites (not!)... The attraction will grow! Physical attraction isn’t important. If she is a good person and meets so many other criteria, you can’t give up on her yet. The answer, Yoni, will always lie in your own intuition.
Hashem gave us an inner voice that actually knows something. And we are constantly being told not to listen to it. What?! How is this even possible? If something feels off, it’s off. While the healthiest of relationships take effort and compromise, without a solid foundation of chemistry and a sense of “effortlessness,” and “you know something...I really like this person as a friend. She’s just wonderful to be with,” it is very difficult to build and grow. We are all entitled to this organic chemistry. Wait for it. G-d willing, it will come!
2. Holding space for who you are and being open-minded are not two distinct realities but can be held simultaneously.
Yoni, I have seen so many people pass up wonderful potential dates because the woman’s resume (by the way, can the powers that be insist on changing this cold, clinical, and horrendous word “resume” to a profile? No wonder why so many people act like they’re on a job interview on a date!) was not exactly what he had in mind. We can be true to ourselves and know exactly who we are and what is important to us and be open to the idea that someone a little to the left or right of center may be just what the doctor ordered.
3. Treat women with respect/ take an interest/make her feel special
I believe that within every hashkafa and level of observance, there are kosher ways to be respectful of a woman you are dating. Women like to be told they look nice. Most like the door to be held open. When sitting down to eat, it’s the little things like asking, “What are you in the mood for?” that can be so meaningful. Make an effort to connect with the woman you are dating. Ask her questions about herself and take an interest. Follow up on dates promptly. Don’t play games with the shadchan or the woman you are dating. Put the phone away on a date. Really get to know her. And not through an interview.
favorite avairah?”) 4. Don’t propose marriage on a first date. No matter how smitten you are, and no matter how sure you are that this young lady is the one for you, take it easy, be cool, and let emotions develop slowly and mutually.
Good luck!
4. Don’t be scared to get to know her
Look for OTCs (Opportunities to Connect). Very often, we ourselves can feel uncomfortable when a date reveals something personal. So many people brush past because they’re following the “rules.” Can you believe he/she shared that with me…so soon? Certainly, there are some things that are inappropriate to share right away, but once something is shared, don’t ignore it. Use it as an opportunity to connect. This is how relationships are built. She gets vulnerable and reveals. You get vulnerable and real. Voila! A bond is formed. Once that bond gets formed, attachment begins to grow. This is when a couple starts to truly “need” each other. And they begin to be unable to imagine life without the other.
How many times have people walked into my office saying, “I can’t get past the first or second date?” The answer is too many to count. Very often, it is because they are afraid of opening up and/
or when their dates open up, they freeze. I have a sociological theory about this. In brief, many of us are taught in certain circles that we do not reveal private things about ourselves or our families because it is shameful. And for many, the reason we don’t do it is because we are concerned about shidduch prospects down the line. And while there is a certain value in privacy, we can literally see how this affects many in the parsha. What was once forbidden to speak of is now expected. It’s confusing! Maybe we could use a little less stigma, a little more Come on, we’re all human and in this world together and we’ve all got stuff. And when you meet someone and you think there is potential there, and you’re feeling something, it’s OK to share! Just my thoughts on the matter.
5. Dating is a journey to yourself
Every single person you meet has a lesson to offer. With each woman you date, you will learn what you like and what you don’t like. You will also learn what is important to you. Maybe a woman will possess a wonderful quality that you didn’t even know you liked and now you can’t live without. On this journey, try to surround yourself with positive people who uplift you, and people who listen without an agenda of their own (also known as supportive).
6. Be yourself!
This one is so cliched but it really does need to be said. Be yourself, Yoni! While on a first date, you may not break out Purim pictures from the seventh grade and tell all your funny jokes about that time in high school when...but that’s where it should be headed. Why would anyone want to get married to someone because she likes a fake version of himself? It’s an absolute recipe for loneliness and regret. Be the incredible person you are. This way you can meet and fall in love with a woman who wants to be with YOU because she is crazy about you. And here’s the best part: there’s no games, there’s no drama, there’s no tension because when you do meet the right one, you will be able to let your guard down completely and trust the foundation of the relationship.
7. Have fun!
You are allowed to have fun when you date.
These are just my opinions that I have gathered based on many of my clients who have walked through my door pretty broken from the “system.” We work on changing perspective and attitude from “the rules” and listening to everyone else, to relaxing and listening to ourselves. And I have to say that it seems to help!
Best of luck to you! May you find your bashert in the right time!
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
