New Column! Teen Talk

Teen Talk

By Mrs. C. Isbee By Mrs. C. Isbee

Dear Teen Talk, Teen Talk,

Teen Talk, a new column in TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

I love school and have a lot of friends. I get together with them all the time – at their homes. We never get together at my home because I don’t ever invite them, as I’m very embarrassed by my family and the condition of my house. Firstly, my brother, who is a year older than me, is developmentally disabled and gets very excited and says crazy things to anyone that comes into my house. Secondly, my mother, who is very warm and friendly, is not put together. For lack of a better word, she looks shlumpy. Thirdly, my house is messy. I try to do my share to clean up, but I have other priorities too, and can’t possibly get the house to look fully clean. In the past, when we would talk about getting together, I purposely did not volunteer my home. Time is passing by, and my friends keep asking me why we don’t get together by me. I can’t keep making excuses! Besides, I live near all of them, and they are starting to think it’s odd that I don’t invite them. Help! What should I do?

Answer:

I understand your predicament. You are a great girl and want to do the right thing. You value your friends, but you’re scared you’ll jeopardize your relationship with them because of what they’ll think of you once they step foot in your home and meet your family. At the same time, you can’t keep hiding. Making up reasons for why you won’t have a get-together at your house will ultimately be disadvantageous for you. If your friends knew the real reasons you haven’t invited them, I’m sure they would be mortified and would deem your impression of them as shallow and insensitive.

get-together at your house will ultimately be disadvantageous for you. If your friends knew the real reasons Here are five ways to approach this:

1. Mirror Approach: You are like a mirror to your friends. When ror to your friends. When

your friends look at you, they will mirror the image you are reflecting. Your friends are coming for you, and you only. They are not coming to keep your mother company, or to socialize with your brother, or to inspect your home. When they arrive at the door, and your brother says something silly, they won’t care. But if you are apologetic, they will start acting uncomfortable. They are not uncomfortable because of your brother; they are uncomfortable because you are uncomfortable. When they walk in and your mother greets them, they won’t flinch. But if you “make a face,” they may get distressed. They are not distressed because of your mother; they are distressed because you are distressed. When they sit with you on your couch or around your dining room table and you express embarrassment for the way the house looks, they may exhibit tension. They are

not tense because of the condition of your house; they are tense because you are tense. Also, your nervousness may lead them to believe you’re irritable. Surely, then, they’ll want to leave. The respect that had for you may be diminished because of the way you’re acting.

Remember, you are like a mirror. If you stay calm, and show kindness and warmth, your friends will respond to you in kind. The demonstration of acceptance of your family situation enables your friends to feel comfortable and relaxed in your home. However, if you model discomfort and shame, your friends will mirror those feelings and probably display strained dispositions.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

bly display strained dispositions. tally disabled. When you go to your 2. It says in Pirkei Avos, “Hevay mekabel es kol haadam b’sever panim yafos.” When you greet others with a pleasant face, they feel at ease. Moreover, you feel at ease! Your smile actually calms you and causes you to feel more confident about yourself and your situation. So smile!

3. Invite your friends for a short period of time, perhaps for some pizza

When your friends look at you, they will mirror the image you are reflecting.

for an hour. You should not put yourself out for a whole night. “Don’t bite off more than you can chew.” Don’t feel like you have to host them for a long period of time.

4. You may be surprised that your friends may find it comforting to schmooze with your mother. You say she is warm and friendly. Her sociable nature may make them feel welcome. There’s a lot of good in your family. Even your brother may make them feel at ease. He’s friendly too, and they know that whatever he says is not his fault, as he is developmentally disabled. When you go to your friends’ homes, and think their homes and/or families are perfect, think again. You may be oblivious to things and not realize the challenges your friends are dealing with. Perhaps one of their parents is never home. Maybe there’s a sibling who has anger issues. Maybe the house is gorgeous, but no one is relaxed because they’re not allowed to touch the furniture. Nobody has a perfect home with a flawless family.

5. Your popularity is likely a result of the sensitivity that developed over time by living with a sibling with special-needs. Children who have family members with special-needs often have keener social skills than others. They know the right way to talk to people and are usually good listeners. Don’t write off your brother so fast; he is probably the catalyst that brought out your social savviness.

I am sure that with the proper attitude and outlook, you will find that hosting your friends can be a positive and stress-free experience. Even if you have to fake the smile or force yourself to look aside from the “embarrassing” conditions, it will be worth it. Overtime, your openness will be more natural. The respect you publicly accord to your family will surely evoke feelings of esteem and high regard towards you from your friends. And, all the conditions that initially made you feel shame may likely change to conditions that evoke pride.