This by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

What You Need to Get Through This

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

No matter which side of the political or medical aisle you happen to live on, it’s hard to get through the days.

Unless, of course, you just don’t care. Which may be an option since there isn’t much we can do about either one.

But assuming you do care, even a little, it’s been more than challenging. Add to that how the pandemic has affected our health, livelihood, and relationships. How can we get through it? • Breathe

Simple, right? We breathe anyway.

But – there’s that “but” – we generally breathe too fast. When we lose track of our breathing, it tends to come in short, shallow bursts that are the first indication of stress. For stress to overtake us, the process starts in the amygdala, a part of the brain that Bassel van der Kolk, the father of trauma research and repair, calls the “smoke alarm.”

The amygdala is very sensitive, very reactive. It doesn’t take much to get it flaring up. It’s meant to be that way; this is not some kind of “kink” in the system. Being aware of a saber-toothed tiger was the difference between life and death for early man. (That’s why one of the nissim of yetzias Mitzrayim was that there were no wild animals always ready to attack. There should have been, and we should have been petrified of them.)

So, when we perceive what might be danger, the amygdala gets going. But here’s the interesting thing: a thought could stir up the amygdala as well. It seems that our brains can’t always tell the difference between an experience in the present moment and what we visualize.

The amygdala warns the hypothalamus which, in turn, signals the pituitary gland, which then sends hormones to the adrenal glands. The amygdala also suppresses the cortex, the thinking part of our brain, by the way. (This is so we run or fight more quickly. We can’t afford to waste time thinking.)

In turn, cortisol and adrenaline are released throughout our bodies from our adrenal glands.

Adrenaline and cortisol give us energy by speeding up our heartbeat and blood pressure. Blood is sent to muscles to run (from the saber-toothed tiger). Blood is also directed away from digestion, reproduction, and other non-essential parts of the body. (Yes, they’re essential in the long-term but not when you need to run or fight.) That is why long-term stress leads to digestive problems.

It is perfectly normal to go over in one’s mind a problem that stresses us. That’s the way we try to figure out how to get out of the problem. But as you may have experienced, this method very often doesn’t work. All we do is stress ourselves some more. And we can’t seem to get our brains to stop thinking about the problem.

When we over-stress ourselves this way, we can be in for a host of medical and emotional problems like diabetes, suppressed immune system, heart disease, obesity, even memory problems, anxiety, and depression.

So how does breathing turn that around?

When you breathe slowly and deeply, it stimulates the vagus nerve located above your diaphragm. In fact, the exhale is the important part of stimulating the relaxation response. The part of the vagus nerve that is near the lungs picks up the message from your slowed breathing to signal the heart to slow down. A cascade of improvements takes place from there – reduced blood pressure, increased blood flow to the cortex, stomach, and other organs. Researchers suggest trying to simply take only six breaths for a minute instead of the usual 10 to 14. Just using that one minute to slow down breathing creates the relaxation response. Interestingly, this process also positively affects mood. It creates calmness, optimism, and energy.

• Force Your Focus

You know how they say don’t bring the cellphone to shul? Well, there’s a reason for that which goes beyond “it’s not respectful.” True, it’s not. But to whom isn’t it? Really, the answer is: to ourselves.

There are huge benefits to forcing your focus on what is good, meaningful, positive, and helpful in your life and forcing them off of things that are toxic. I absolutely don’t believe you can do this step without the breathing, so go back to that if you haven’t yet.

I remember decades ago when I was

preparing my dissertation, I had interviewed people about their traumas and abuse. One guy said that he looks at life through [dirt]-colored glasses. He used a stronger term than “dirt.”

He didn’t have to.

He could have made a decision to look at something else.

Someone not so long ago told me he was sitting by a riverbank with an abundance of greenery on either side. And all he would notice was the building across the way with graffiti on it. A client years ago said, “Dr. Deb, I’m in your office and all I notice is that the desk is sitting there on a slant.” Well, I cannot correct the balance of the floor or the building. But he could notice his own heartbeat slow down as he breathes if he wanted to.

When life presents with almost nothing good, find something good anyway. A line stands out in my mind from Viktor Frankel’s experience in the concentration camps: He would recall being at a picnic with his family, and he absolutely immersed himself in that scene. That is how he survived.

If you believe that you may solve your problem or somehow get relief by venting, I understand. So here is what you can do: select a time of the day to do exactly that: vent in a journal or into

the recorder app on your phone for just 20 minutes. Or 30 if you must. But not one second at any other time.

• Do Wonderful Things

I’ve been stuck with an unusual mouth problem which led me to change my diet. So I find it enormously enjoyable to try out crazy recipes. I recently substituted sorghum for sushi rice since the diet I’m on doesn’t permit rice. I potchke’ed with the seasoning for the “rice” until I had it right. I’ve made chocolate pudding using avocados, and it is creamy delicious.

I must have exercise, of course, but going out is out of the question for me. Too cold. So I not only jog around my

apartment, but I use that time to work out problems for myself, such as “what will I write about for my next article?” I will have a whole conversation with myself over whatever the topic is that is under consideration.

What do you enjoy? Writing, painting, weight-lifting, reading? Visiting over video apps?

Today I was looking for a picture for a post for my blog, and I decided to look in the camera archives that I had put on my computer a long time ago. I started watching old videos of my grandchildren, and I was nearly rolling around laughing at how cute they were. Then I noticed the background “music” from many of them: “Savta!” “Savta!” “Savta!” Over the years, they must have demanded my attention a thousand times. What a bracha! How lucky I am!

You don’t always know what will be wonderful until you “force your focus” onto what’s good about it. There are a lot of opportunities for joy, after all, and you can go one more than focusing on the good by actually engaging in it.

When life presents with almost nothing good, find something good anyway.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.