The Jewish Home | JANUARY 20, 2022 The Jewish Home | OCTOBER 29, 2015 The Jewish Home | OCTOBER 29, 2015
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Life C ach
Something Not to Fight About By Rivki D. Rosenwald Esq., LMFT, CLC, SDS
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here are some fights that actually have no opponents. Sounds hard to imagine? How are we fighting if there’s no opponent? Well, here’s one – like fighting sleep. Oh, sure, there’s a resisting force there, but it isn’t someone you have to make up with. Getting into a fight might not happen that often, yet sometimes you’re in it before you know what hit you. You kind of know how it happens – you state what you to be “a fact” and someone else has the nerve to think it’s only your opinion! This often is the beginning of going down a rickety road. There are times you just don’t know where this will take you, and it may hurt a relationship that has other strengths. And then maybe there are the times with spouses or kids or siblings when you’re not on the same page, and these altercations take you to the exact same place every time. And you just haven’t learned to navigate it better. Do you take these chances? Do you keep going down these same painful roads? Can we try to reduce the oppo-
nent status? Is it possible, just possible, that according to someone else there may be a different set of facts? OK, let’s not call it facts, can we say a different way of seeing things? That may reduce the opponent status a bit. And bring us into a different realm. For instance, to start with, can
them, based on their background, thoughts, experience, needs, etc. How about this: maybe there are two rights? Right for me and right for you? And look, who becomes your opponent with this thought? You. Yourself. Since, you now have to fight with yourself to see the possibility that the person you’re dis-
Can we call it perhaps “sparring partners”?
we call it perhaps “sparring partners”? That way we are staying in the ring together. Maybe we can even work toward holding back a bit and being open to seeing that – wait for it –our way isn’t necessarily wrong! Bet you didn’t think I was going there and supporting you. Well, I was! But the idea is that your way may be right for you and not for
agreeing with may also have some case to make. It certainly slows down the argument or the intensity between you and the other person. In fact, you have to slow things down to really listen to their ideas so you can see where they are coming from. And then even take the time to process it. Wow, you are now in the fightingit-out with yourself territory. That’s
a much better place to be because in this case you can always call a truce or take a break. And certainly, you’re guaranteed cooperation. Well, of course! You’re in control of both sides. I’m not saying you’ll ultimately agree with your original opponent, but you may show up calmer and more open-minded to talk things out. And maybe you’ll seem more like two people figuring it out or collaborating rather than two excited people with boxing gloves on. So let’s try to be people who fight things like sleep and not each other. And maybe, just maybe, that will give you a better night’s sleep, too!
Rivki Rosenwald is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist working with both couples and individuals and is a certified relationship counselor. Rivki is a co-founder and creator of an effective Parent Management of Adolescent Years Program. She can be contacted at 917-705-2004 or at rivkirosenwald@ gmail.com.
