7 minute read
Parenting Pearls
Parenting Pearls Becoming Community Focused
By Sara Rayvych, MSEd
I’ve always felt that part of the beauty of the Jewish community is how much we truly are a community and not just strangers haphazardly living in close proximity. As a community, we ensure every possible need is being met for everyone. We see ourselves as a cohesive group and not as separate individuals. This important trait may be one reason why even many schools incorporate chessed into their students’ schedules. Who could forget after Superstorm Sandy the contribution made by high school students when schools were closed? From serving food to those displaced to cleaning and sanitizing water damaged homes, we saw how every member of our community could contribute. I hope those teens (now adults) recognized how much they could give despite their young age.
There is a way for each member of a family to contribute to our community, each in their own way. My extended family has a long-time connection to Chai Lifeline, an organization many of you have heard about. The incredible work they do for sick children and their families is legendary. My sister has not only ran their marathon to raise money but she’s very involved in Camp Simcha. My son gave from his maaser money to them, and my daughter helped collect for them when her schooled peers did. My cousin, Malya Goldberg, will soon be running the marathon again (fifth year in a row!) to raise money and as part of Team Abba, in memory of her father, Yitzchak Zelig ben Yaakov Mordechai (teamlifeline. org/miami22/TeamAbba). I will be honest – I can’t run a marathon but I sure can be proud of those who do.
After the yomim noraim, our family will be participating in a virtual walk to raise money for the KAT6A foundation (KAT6A.org). As my adorable niece, Shifra bas Chana Dina, has this very rare (but not hereditary) disease, this is one way we can contribute towards raising money for research and treatment options for my incredible niece and those like her.
As you can see, there are many ways to help contribute to many different needs. I could have listed more but then you would’ve gotten bored and stopped reading. Our community is blessed to have so many wonderful groups doing so much good for so
many different people. It seems like every conceivable need has a group or organization involved in meeting that need.
Choose Wisely
Each member of the family can find their own place, a chessed that speaks to them, or you can contribute together as a family. I know families that packed Tomchei Shabbos together. Our family, as mentioned above, supports Chai Lifeline together.
When children have the opportunity to choose where they can help, it makes it more meaningful and enjoyable. It is my humble opinion that you don’t want to force a child to do chessed. What could be meaningful for one child could be frightening for another. For example, visiting homebound seniors or visiting nursing homes could be enjoyable for one
child; other children may find it too far from their comfort zone or even scary. Allow your child to try different options and find their unique niche. We all know how we can best assist others, and your child’s special personality is no different. Let them find what best suits them so they’ll be motivated to continue.
As mentioned above, I personally don’t see there being an advantage to forcing a child to do chessed, as important as it is. I’m concerned the negative experience could turn a child off more than suddenly inspire them. We certainly don’t want children to associate helping others with being miserable themselves. Giving should be pleasant and positive for children, otherwise it could, chas v’shalom, be something they develop an aversion to.
Avoid Frightening Your Child
Chessed organizations are helping individuals and families that are in serious situations. Sometimes those needs can be scary or upsetting to an adult; certainly, they can terrify a child.
It’s my personal opinion that it’s not a good idea to give all the explicit details to a child if it may cause them anxiety. It’s not a chessed to your child to give them nightmares. For example, cancer is a serious disease, lo aleinu. Discussing all the details may overwhelm some children; saying they’re helping sick children may be sufficient for one but still too much for another child. Telling in-depth stories of starving families may frighten a child more than motivate them to assist in the food pantry. In fact, I would even hesitate to discuss my niece’s diagnosis with an expectant couple even though there are only about 300 known cases of the disease worldwide; certainly not the top concern expectant parents should have.
Emotions don’t always match facts and everyone has what they are sensitive to at different times. Respect your child’s emotional needs, even while encouraging them to do good and help others.
Chessed Begins at Home
We tend to forget that chessed begins at home and with family. Calling a grandparent, helping out after a new baby, or just tidying up without being asked are all ways children can help. Even a child afraid to visit seniors will often be comfortable calling a grandparent. My toddlers do a great job coloring pictures that their grandparents are thrilled to receive. There’s something for everyone.
My cousins, Malya and David Goldberg, with some of their children before participating in Team Lifeline
Chessed can even be close to home. My daughter enjoyed playing with our neighbor’s adorable toddler while the new mother took care of their newborn. Shoveling snow for neighbors is another great way for the kids to make a difference for someone without needing much fanfare or creativity. Children are often less nervous helping those they know than total strangers. This can be a simple, yet effective way to incorporate the idea of chessed into your child’s life.
Obviously, ensure your child will be safe wherever they go, particularly if they will be at a neighbor’s house. Know who your child will be exposed to and working with. Your child and his/her safety come first. Make sure you know all the arrangements and what will be expected of your child. Ensure that your child is only being asked to do that which is age- and emotionally-appropriate for them. Speak up if the expectations aren’t fair.
While chessed at home is important, it still shouldn’t be forced. It can be too easy, especially when your family is going through a difficult time, to place too much on a child who isn’t capable of bearing that load. Carefully evaluate what any given child is able to handle. It may be better to ask for help from an outside organization rather than overburden a youngster. When I was hospitalized with COVID just before Pesach, our children did have to help extra but we still reached out for communal assistance. It would have been unfair to our children to have the extra burden of assisting that much in maintaining our household while emotionally dealing with a hospitalized parent.
Davening
I ask you to please keep in mind Shifra bas Chana Dina and all the sick children in your tefillos. Davening and learning in someone’s z’chus could also be a form of chessed and one that even the more hesitant children can do. Even children busy with schoolwork can often find a few quiet moments to learn a little extra on Shabbos or say some Tehillim before Shabbos.
Many children may not have the time or emotional comfort to personally assist others but davening and learning is something that can be done at any time and without others present. Children benefit from knowing their tefillos and learning matter and can help others. While there are many different needs in our community, from issues with parnassa to shidduchim, davening is one solution to all of them. The added advantage is children realizing the power of their tefillos and creating a greater awareness of their connection with Hashem.
We want our children to grow up to become involved members of the Jewish community. Children, even at the youngest of ages, can contribute and learn how powerful their actions can be and how great an impact their involvement can make.
Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.
