12 minute read
Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear I have been dating for a few years now, and I have honed in
Navidaters, on what I am looking for. None have been on the mark quite as much as one young woman in particular who came very close. At a certain point, I feel like I should have known if she was for me, and I just was not feeling that. There was no reason in particular that I could say, nor did anything about her particularly bother me. All the qualities I am looking for are qualities she had – but I just was not feeling more, extra, exciting feelings. I did not want to settle, so we ended it. I have been dating a year since we went out, and I look back and wonder if I should have given it more of a shot. Happens to be, when I expressed my feelings, she replied that it was mutual for the same reason (i.e. no intense excitement to move forward), so maybe it is even silly to be thinking about it. But it has been on my mind recently.
What level of intense excitement really needs to be there in shidduch dating to know this is truly the one for you? Is finding a great girl who has common goals, hashkafa, who I’m attracted to, and feel positive about without much else enough to jump in? What do people do when they don’t really KNOW?
Thanks for your time,
Rafael*
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.
Rafael, you are answering your own question but you seem to want validation from us.
Pursue the young woman! Go after her! Chase the prize, and it will feel more exciting. Make her want you, and you will feel more excited by her reaction to you.
This is where romantic tools can be helpful. Be creative; don’t just buy flowers and take her to fancy places. Put effort into your dates. Surprise her with experiences and your fun side. This will help ignite two embers into a flame.
Keeping a relationship exciting is part of a marriage, too. Investing energy and creativity into doing new things together, being creative, and keeping romance alive is part of what successful couples do. There’s more, but you’re not up to that yet.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Man plans, G-d laughs. I’m sure you have heard that adage a million times before.
The first thing you must do, Rafael, is look at the qualities of this ideal girl you are looking for in your mind; this girl who will bring more of a firework-y element to your imagined shidduch-dating relationship.
Make note: What are these elements that are getting you so excited and will/can they change?
If someone is excited and has fireworks because he is dating a girl who is the exact size he is going for, he can be in for a surprise when she gains 50 pounds during a pregnancy.
If someone is in the clouds with excitement because he is dating a girl with long blonde hair, he is in for a surprise when he realizes she dyed it and wore extensions; her true hair color was brown.
If someone is ecstatic with excitement because the girl he is dating comes from one of those “sought after families,” a family that serves three types of meat on Shabbos (yes, this is actually a requirement I have heard), a simple drop in the stock market could change everything.
If fireworks were any indicator of successful marriages, you would see Hollywood stars staying married forever rather than having a different girlfriend yearly (even monthly).
Obviously mutual interest, attraction, and all the qualities you expressed seeing in this girl are important. Based on your letter, I am almost certain that the girl said it was mutual due to a defense mechanism, so as to prevent further discomfort (both on your end and hers). Nobody wants to feel dumped. So, for many, as soon as they sense hesitancy from the other side, their gut reaction is to back away emotionally. They would rather convince themselves that it was mutual than acknowledge and face disappointment. Take that factor out of the equation.
Assuming she would be interested in giving it a round two, rather than focusing on the short term “bells and whistles” which explode your psyche and bring in the Hollywood fireworks phenomenon, focus on appreciating the incredible and positive traits which you confess you do see in her. When you train your mind, your whole perspective will change.
During round two, focus on the amazing, indelible, deep qualities that make her an amazing person, future wife, and mother, her personality, and demeanor, and create those as your “bells and whistles.” You will then see the girl in a completely different light. Fill us in what happens, and please invite us to the chasunah!
The Single
Rivka Weinberg
Rafael, this is an extremely important and valuable question, so thank you for having the courage to write in.
There are multiple common misconceptions in shidduchim, and I believe this topic falls into that category. We grow up watching Disney movies and reading fairy tales, where the prince finds the princess, the shoes fits, and they all live happily ever after. Contrary to popular belief, that isn’t exactly how life works. Things are not as simple as they appear or always as easy as we would hope them to be.
There’s no objective level of excitement a person needs to feel in order to get engaged. No one can tell you when you have reached the “excited enough” level to move forward. Each person needs to be honest and look within him/herself to evaluate and understand the feelings coming up. Is the hesitation stemming from a real feeling of doubt or from the fear of entering new and unfamiliar territory? Are there childhood wounds preventing you from making a clear, level-headed decision? Only you can decipher for yourself what that feeling is, and it isn’t anyone’s place to persuade you one way or the other.
There are natural fears involved in the shidduch process, and this is one of them. Although it would be convenient, there’s no bas kol to assure you are making the right decision, so at some point you need to take a leap of faith. Common goals, hashkafa, attraction, respect, and positive feelings are all key components in a relationship and, if aligned, would allow me to feel comfortable taking that jump. However, I am not you, and you are not me. You know yourself best and should listen to your own voice throughout the process. Focus on your relationship and don’t allow the relationships of those around you to impact or cloud your judgement.
The real recipe for success is to be your true, genuine self throughout the dating process. It may sound simple, but understanding what it authentically means to be yourself comes with the challenge of facing various fears we have been avoiding for years. Understanding who you really are will allow you to show up on dates authentically, without putting forth a version of yourself which fears rejection. There are countless stories of people who go on dates and turn off part of their personalities or tone them down with the hopes of being accepted. To further understand this, I highly recommend reading YOU Revealed by Naftali Horowitz.
Most importantly, if it’s an option, I strongly encourage you to consider revisiting the girl you described in your question if you’ve been thinking about it recently. The worst case scenario is that she says she is no longer interested, and you have the clarity that you put in your hishtadlus.
Don’t try to convince yourself that you aren’t interested out of the fear of rejection. Being vulnerable and confident is far more impressive and attractive than being nervous and scared.
I would appreciate any thoughts or feedback: rivkaweinberg2@ gmail.com.
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Your letter made me consider what makes a young man feel an initial attraction toward a young woman and how this initial attraction may, or may not, develop into a desire for a long-term commitment and marriage.
There are three different initial attractions that may cause a guy to want to continue dating a girl.
Mental. “This girl seems to match all the boxes on my checklist. She has the background, character, and personality that I’m looking for. I think we can share common goals and aspirations.”
Emotional. “I enjoy being with her. I can’t wait to see her again. I keep thinking about what I can do to make her happy.”
Physical. “I feel a chemical/ electric/magnetic attraction and desire.”
When the guy continues to date her, the relationship might blossom and develop, encompass more than just the initial attractio, and cause the couple to consider marriage. If not, through no fault of anyone, the one initial attraction is not sufficient to result in a long-term commitment.
After a while, if you haven’t yet found someone that you wish to marry, then perhaps:
You may wish to consider that your “checklist” is flawed and needs revision and modification.
You may wish to consider speaking to a trusted mentor or counselor and analyze why.
You may wish to consider that you haven’t dated anyone long enough, for feelings of commitment to properly develop.
Pulling It All Together
You may wish to accept that you simply have not yet been lucky enough to find “the right one” and need to continue your quest.
When you do find “the right one” and invite the Navidaters to your wedding, please don’t sit me at a table too close to the band.
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists Being vulnerable and confident is far more impressive and attractive than being nervous and scared.
Dear Rafael, Thank you for writing into our column! First and foremost, my advice is that you speak with someone about your situation. I don’t know if you walked away from this young woman because you didn’t have chemistry with her; or if you walked away because you weren’t (or haven’t been) ready to commit to one person, hoping someone better will come along; or you’re waiting for some fantastical, overthe-top feeling to explode. I think your best bet is to explore this with a professional so you can fully express the range of the situation in its entirety.
You ask: What level of intense excitement needs to be there in shidduch dating to know if this is truly the one for you? This question will mean different things to different people... because intense excitement is different for everyone. It is a personal experience. And no one can answer this for you, other than you.
What I do feel comfortable saying is that there should be a connection. A desire to see her next time. A desire to learn more about her. The urge to protect her and take care of her may surface. Feeling like you are blessed to have her in your life should surface. Not being able to imagine life without her should come to be present in time.
Different cultures view love differently. And I understand that true, mature love grows over time, through the challenges and stresses of life and continually showing up for each other and supporting each other. With all this being said, in the very early stages of love (dating), there should be some excitement. Butterflies, doodles, daydreaming…yapping about her to your mother, sister or friend should be par for the course on some level. Something!
Your need for excitement may be healthy. The fact that it wasn’t there with this woman may simply mean that she was a great person, but not your great person. Or it may signal something else. I’m really not sure.
In my experience as a dating coach and therapist, more often than not, I meet people who are hemming and hawing about dating and often trying to make something work that simply is wrong for them. They meet the right person after they begin to trust their own intuition and maybe date “smarter.” And all of a sudden, all the quesutions and anxieties and wondering if it was “me or him” or “me or her” just goes away. Maybe one or two out of every ten clients I meet has unrealistic expectations or is waiting for the next best thing and actually does need help in clearing some of their unhelpful thinking/past trauma/perfectionism, etc. in order to be able to recognize the beautiful person in from of him/her.
Trust your own intuition. And book a session with a therapist if you have any thoughts about which camp you belong to.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 718-908-0512. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email JenniferMannLCSW@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
vacatIon
