16 minute read
Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
I am a 32-year-old single woman who has always been very stable and confident. I am used to hearing friends complain about being single, but I have always felt confident that Hashem will find the right one and send him to me at the right time. I have been the point of contact as a mentor for many women who are single to gain chizuk, and I encourage women to live their best life whether they are married or not. I have been busy between friends, the gym, my exhilarating and time-consuming job, and traveling (I LOVE traveling, for business trips and vacations). I have dated a lot, obviously, but not obsessively. I am very passionate that when the right one comes along, it will be very clear; I have not settled until now and I don’t plan on it. Dear Navidaters,
Over the course of the past few weeks I’ve felt a sadness and depression that I have never felt before. I am so used to going to work, feeling accomplished, and enjoying life that I never much felt alone or negative being single. Now I feel a whole different way. I have been furloughed as non-essential, my gym is closed, and I can’t travel. I can’t have Shabbos meals and run chessed projects like I used to. I am finally feeling what the people I have counseled feel, and I feel like a fraud. I have never felt like this before. I am starting to feel a depression that consists of a lot of regret – regret that I haven’t put half as much energy into dating as I should have. I am also regretting relationships I have ended prematurely, which, in retrospect, may have been able to work if I worked harder.
I’m not even quite sure what my question is, because I have so many. How do I deal with these newfound feelings? How do I make sense of this guilt?
Thank you, Sheva
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
The Rebbetzin The Shadchan
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. D ear Sheva, You are really dealing with a lot of challenges and feelings right now. While everyone is dealing with challenges of uncertainty, livelihood, relationships, and loneliness, your personal and professional status make it even more challenging.
Feel your feelings. Sort them out. Use pen and paper to help you. It will probably be a sorting process in which you identify feelings connected to lack, guilt, uncertainty, and hopelessness. But it will also be a first step in healing.
Pay attention to the other feelings that emerge too such as gratefulness and a sense of personal competence/ resiliency. Through this process you will move toward identifying what you do have – health, friends, a profession, and a future. You may also come to see this as a watershed for a change in perspective and a catalyst for healthy growth.
You may want to talk to a professional after you begin the process on your own. Remember that therapy is not a passive aid. No one will fix you but you. So do some work on your own as you process your feelings before reaching out to a therapist.
Engage in behaviors that are healthy. Exercise is good for the emotional system. It releases dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin which will help regulate your mood. The power of relationships can also affect you in a healthy way as science shows, so reach out and engage in communication with your friends, family, and former colleagues. Remember that texting and social media are not the same as active communication such as speaking. The satisfaction and healing effect of personal connection only come from real communication. Getting involved in active chessed will also be satisfying; check on elderly neighbors and reach out to see which local organizations can use your volunteer help and expertise now. Activity and connections will bring returns on many levels.
You will emerge from this with more resilience and stronger than ever. Upward and onward, Sheva.
Michelle Mond I am so sorry for what is such a gut-wrenching tekufah. Going from a busy, scheduled, energetic routine to the current state of the world has likely brought everybody to untold lows. In regard to feeling like a fraud, anyone living now could have the same claim. You are not a fraud – you are a positive woman who built other women up when they were down. Now is a down time for everyone. Despite the pain, I would like to share a thought that has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. I will leave the rest of the answers to my fellow very capable panelists to discuss.
For sure by now you have watched one of the many videos that have surfaced depicting the “domino effect.” These videos have been created by the sudden surge of many bored people who use items creating long domino effect chains. Most are for the purpose of showing how one infected touch can then spread within minutes to hundreds of people. One such video started with a roll of toilet paper down a ramp ending with a domino hitting a teapot that poured coffee into a mug in a man’s hand (the things people come up with!).
This got me thinking about cause and effect.
They say that when Hashem decides it is time for a person to leave this world, He takes into account everyone close with that person and how they will be impacted. Similarly, when a person is affected by a nisayon, it was all planned from the start. The lessons we take out from this virus have all been weighed and measured thoughtfully by the most loving and caring Father that exists in this world.
I remember the night I heard about the Tree Of Life shooting, the Poway shooting, the Monsey attack and more. How could people possibly be so cruel? I thought. I was thinking about the few months before the virus and how our people faced a huge threat of shul shootings and yet we packed into them despite the hate because of our staunch emunah and bitachon. Now we are in a place where we cannot even go into a shul if we wanted to. Cause and effect. Who knows what kind of attacks could have been planned worldwide, now thwarted because nobody is going to shuls altogether? Perhaps this will wake evil people up to return to kinder ways? Who knows what intricate details have been weaved by a Higher Power into the fabric of the ultimate Big Picture here? We can speculate, we can guess, yet we will never truly know.
What we do know is that we are seeing a surge worldwide in kindness and humanity. In unparalleled irony, separation has brought people closer than ever. People are changing, as you bear witness yourself, just by virtue of the fact that we are less busy and more emotionally in tune. People are thinking more.
Sheva, I want you to know that if you have not gotten married yet, it is simply because it has not been the right time. The effects of the virus on people’s priorities, thresholds,
and requirements were undoubtedly also taken into account. You are feeling lonely now but I want you to close your eyes and hear your bashert’s heart beating somewhere in this world because he is quarantined and lonely himself thinking about you. When this is all over, which, G-d willing, it will be soon, you will take any realizations about yourself and they will be the engine to drive you towards your bashert.
Try to think forwards, rather than backwards, because there is so much good to look forward to. Keep your chin up; you’re doing amazing!
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler Y ou are a very extroverted person who is isolated and cut off from your job, friends, gym, and travels. Of course, you feel absolutely miserable.
I have three thoughts to share with you.
First, there are still many chessed opportunities that are perfect for a person with your drive and energy. Are you skilled in the kitchen? How about whipping up something special for a homebound neighbor? Imagine how an isolated senior would feel if you could leave a cake in front of his home. (I personally prefer cookies, but that’s just me.)
You sound like the ultimate organizer. How about organizing shopping expeditions and food deliveries to folks who are not able to leave their homes?
You also sound like you’d be an incredible teacher. How about remotely mentoring folks who lack computer skills, in order to help them connect and take advantage of all the online opportunities for combating loneliness?
Second, until I read your letter, I never realized how the COVID-19 lockdown is a time for deep introspection and self-assessment. It’s like a never-ending Yom Kippur.
I know that you are in a lot of pain, and I don’t mean to sound trite by writing, “Maybe this is a blessing in disguise” but I like how you are taking the opportunity to reassess your previous dating attitudes and history.
Here’s a thought for you to consider: besides evolving and approaching future dating opportunities somewhat differently, have you considered trying to re-connect with some of the young men that you have previously dated? (Make sure they have not married in the interim!) You might be surprised to find that they, too, are re-evaluating previous relationships that ended prematurely and are ready
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to re-visit and re-assess.
Fifty years ago, my wife and I had already met three times before finally realizing that we should date seriously. A successful shidduch depends on both parties being in the right place at the right time.
Third, you don’t necessarily have to abandon the satisfying activities that you have enjoyed BC (Before Corona) in order to accommodate your new attitudes toward dating. You are an obviously competent, capable, and caring individual. When this crisis passes, you will find the right balance and successfully navigate the transition from your pre-lockdown, very fulfilling lifestyle, to an even more gratifying future.
The Single
Rena Friedman S heva, I can feel your anxiety, and
I, too, have unfortunately experienced my fair share of chest-crippling pressure when thinking about shidduchim and decisions I’ve made. I’m sorry you are going through this.
You did an amazing job coping with singlehood by filling your time with meaningful activities. We have no control over when we will get married, but we can allow ourselves to look back at our singlehood and be proud of how we spent it productively. You were extremely careful to fill yourself up in all areas of your life, masking the pain and realities of dating.
You can run and jampack those days, but you cannot hide. My friends and I discuss how we hide behind our activities to avoid dealing with the realities of being single. It’s easier to just distract ourselves from the discomfort than to attack the underlying issues head-on. It’s only when something gets thrown out of whack that we find ourselves entirely exposed and forced to face the music. One by one, corona removed the distractions, lights, and mirrors from your life and you were finally forced to face reality.
You went from one extreme to the next and now you need to find that middle ground. How do you do that?
Gather a support group of family,
friends, mentors, books, podcasts, whoever or whatever works for you, and start digging through over a decade of hoarded emotions and dating experiences. This will be very emotionally challenging and taxing, but it is the first step towards moving forward. The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” All we can do is glean wisdom from our experiences.
Journal as a way to get your emotions out, but also to use a reference for the future.
There are multiple questions to ponder, but two that I want to highlight: Do you really believe that Hashem will send you the right person at the right time or are you using Him as a scapegoat from taking responsibility of your shidduchim? When you were dating, did you use the “If I am going to be single in 10 years from now, am I ok with my reason for ending this relationship?” question to guide your decisions?
Create structure and a routine based on your pre-corona activities. Zoom in on a shiur. Take free courses on Coursera. FaceTime with friends. Create a virtual chessed project. Order a paint by number. But most importantly, be easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself. You were just slammed with over a decade of emotion and decisions. Allow yourself to process and be gentle to yourself. This is a lot.
P.S.: You are not a fraud. You spoke to each woman from your heart and based off of your reality and genuine thoughts at that time. You had real life experiences that caused you to re-evaluate your perspective on dating and you are being open about that. You are being emesdik.
Pulling It All Together
The Navidaters Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Dear Sheva, Firstly, I am so sorry that you are experiencing these painful feelings of sadness and regret. I think that your feelings are resonating with so many people now. I am finding that people tend to be facing their own lives in a way they never have before. Things that were not working are now heightened and highlighted; inescapable. Mistakes, failures, what ifs and regrets are causing many to quite literally gasp for air or interrupt sleep, roam aimlessly unable to accomplish. Some people cannot even focus on reading a book or watching a favorite TV show. We are living in trauma. Some of us, like you, are beginning to question the decisions and life choices we have made. This is a time of deep, deep introspection for millions of people. And what’s coming up is sometimes scary or depressing.
Feeling depressed and sad is kind of the norm right now. It makes sense. We are surrounded by death, fear of sickness, loss of jobs and routine and income, unable to see family and friends. No one wants to feel this, but how can one not? We can’t cure normal. This is normal. Unenjoyable, torturous even, but normal.
You have lived a beautiful life. You have been happy in your life until this pandemic hit. You’ve built a beautiful career and friendships, have traveled, given chizuk to so many, and enjoyed maintaining your health and wellness at the gym. You’ve always dated but never felt that special something that told you you wanted to spend your life with that person.
Let me tell you something: there is nothing fraudulent about you. Perhaps you were never able to relate to the pain your “counselees” felt because you simply never felt it. That doesn’t make you a fraud! You’re feeling perhaps what your friends have felt. It will simply make you all the more empathic and able to help even more! There is absolutely nothing like valida- t ion from someone who’s been there (hence the success and healing of support groups). You are not a fraud because you were honest about how you felt about life.
My personal opinion from the little I know of you, it can go one of two ways: 1. Your entire life has been changed and mostly stopped. Your new feelings are coming from tumult, upheaval and a pandemic. 2. There is a personal message here for you. Perhaps you are re-examining your life and what you truly want. If this is the case, then your truth is whacking you on the head right now with a frying pan.
Or, maybe it’s a little of one and two.
There will be a lot of changes in this world of ours, G-d willing, as a result of this global crisis. People are changing. Decisions will be made. People are stopping in their tracks faced with how very small we are, how little control we have here, and how short life is. “What am I doing?” and “what have I done?” are coming up for some thoughtful, self-aware people who are critically examining their lives.
Guilt is the subconscious punishment for doing something our ego believes is “wrong.” (What a punishment!) You’ve done nothing “wrong.” You’ve been happy, content and fulfilled. Regret is that awful feeling when we think we’ve made a mistake of some kind. We all have to come to terms with our past and forgive ourselves because...it’s gone. Most of us wouldn’t punish a friend or a loved one the way we punish ourselves. All we can do is learn from the mistake and keep going. That’s it. Your feelings are here to tell you something. You have an opportunity now to re-evaluate your life in a way you never had before (and that goes for all of us!) If you are suffering, if you feel unwell, if you meet the criteria for depression or you don’t, if you are ruminating, I urge you to seek professional help during this time. And that goes for everyone. Please don’t suffer alone. The majority of the readers, and myself included, have never lived through a pandemic/crisis like this, where we’ve been quarantined and distanced, and had our jobs taken and cannot see our friends and families. And we don’t know when it’s ending. This is uncharted territory, both physically and emotionally.
Be kind to yourself; take it one hour at a time, if need be. Take care of yourself. The last thing any of us need to do is beat ourselves up right now. Be gentle and learn about yourself. Wishing you health and wellness.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
