Teen Talk

By Mrs. C. Isbee

Mrs. Isbee is answering Atara’s Teen Talk question from last week’s issue, in which Atara expresses that she is staying home for seminary, as opposed to going to Israel, and now is grappling with her decision.

Dear Atara,

I must start off by telling you how mature you are. The cheshbon you have and your deep sensitivity towards your parents show you are wise beyond your years. Your thought processes are sharp and acute; not cloudy at all, as you infer in your letter.

Kibbud av v’em is one of the greatest mitzvos we can perform. Hashem holds this mitzvah to be so great that we are rewarded for it not only in Olam Habah but in Olam Hazeh, as well. This mitzvah is Divine, as we know it is listed in the Aseres Hadibros on the side depicting the mitzvos bein adam laMakom (between man and G-d), rather than on the side depicting the mitzvos bein adam lachavero (between man and man). When someone’s actions are directed by kibbud av v’em, he/she is put on a high madreigah. Honoring one’s parents is considered to be on the same caliber as honoring Hashem. People who perform this mitzvah have great potential to be leaders, as they are modeling Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

The fact that you didn’t even ask your parents’ permission to go to a seminary in Eretz Yisrael shows tremendous understanding and compassion of their situation. Atara, this is the ultimate growth! Please don’t be swayed by the comments you overhear from your friends.

Eretz Yisroel is our homeland, the holiest place on earth. It is the land where the stories of Tanach took place, where our sacred Avos and Imahos lived and breathed. It is a place filled with countless tales of mesirus nefesh for Torah. Of course, then, it is a place conducive for spiritual growth. Observing the mesirus nefesh of many of the people that live there is inspiring and serves as a catalyst for introspection and dveykus b’Hashem.

You, my dear Atara, have proven that you have the mesirus nefesh for doing ratzon Hashem and for following in His ways. You do not need to study in Eretz Yisroel for a year to achieve spiritual growth, as you have it already.

Living with the ideals of Pirkei Avos’s, “Aizehu ashir hasameach b’chelko, (Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot)” will get you far in life. Hashem gives each of us just what we need, and we have to appreciate and accept the situations we are in. You know Hashem wants you to work within your comfort zone towards your parents and not afflict them with stress. There are many fine institutions of higher learning here in America where you can learn from great educators and gain from esteemed rabbonim and rebbetzins.

As resolute as you are, it must be very hard to be around your classmates when they speak about their plans for the upcoming year. When all they talk about is seminary in Israel and you can’t contribute to the conversation, it seems that you feel uncomfortable. Moreover, you feel they make false conclusions about those who pursue higher education in Eretz Yisroel versus those who stay in America. This is not only foolish of them; it’s also asur (forbidden). It says in Pirkei Avos, “Al tadin es chavercha ad shetagiya bimkomo (Do not judge your friend until you get in his place).”

I had a similar experience like yours, Atara. I wanted to go to learn in seminary in Israel but decided not to apply as I knew my parents could not afford it. Most of my friends planned on going, and it was hard to be the “odd man out.” True growth is accepting that sometimes you can’t do what “everyone else is doing.” Be”H, after seminary, not everyone is going to get engaged at the same time. Not everyone is going to be able to have a baby when they want to. Not everyone is going to be able to purchase a new home when their friends are. When you can’t do what your peers are doing, do you kick and scream? There is no such reality in life where everyone is able to do the same thing at the same time. You just got an early start in understanding this truth.

You should be proud of your compassion and kindness towards your parents. It is apparent that you have not resorted to kicking and screaming to get your way. There is a famous Chazal, “Tovel v’sheretz b’yado (A person is cleansing himself in the mikvah, but he is holding something impure in his hands).” This tevilah (immersion) is meaningless as the impure substance invalidates the purification. If you were to put pressure on your parents to send you to seminary, the spiritual growth you think would be gained would actually be hollow and distorted.

I am sure you are aware that scholarships are available. My experience is that they cover

growth. Observing the of many of the people that live there is inspiring and serves as a catalyst for intro- only a miniscule part of the many costs for the spection and year (tuition, plane fare, spending money, etc.).

You, my dear Atara, have proven that you To his credit, Rabbi Yechezkel Zweig, the principal of the school I work for, Bais Yaakov of Baltimore, instituted a program called The Taciturn Team (TTT), where the girls voluntarily commit to avoid speaking about seminary in school from the time they apply to the time they get their acceptance letters. This year, 90% of the twelfth grade student body vowed to uphold

Hashem gives each of us just what we need, and we have to appreciate and accept the situations we are in. You know Hashem wants you to work within your comfort zone towards your parents and not afflict them with stress. There are many fine institutions of higher learning here in America where you can learn from great educators and gain from esteemed rabbonim and

As resolute as you are, it must be very hard to be around your classmates when they speak about their plans for the upcoming year. When all they talk about is seminary in Israel and you time. You just got an early start in understanding this truth.

You should be proud of your compassion and kindness

Teen Talk, a new column in

TJH, is geared towards the teens in our community. Answered by a rotating roster of teachers, rebbeim, clinicians, and peers (!), teens will be hearing answers to many questions they had percolating in their minds and wished they had the answers for.

There is no such reality in life where everyone is able to do the same thing at the same time. You just got an early start in understanding this truth.

this policy. It’s beautiful to observe the girls socialize as they make sure not to talk about the seminary topic. They, for sure, prevent a lot of hurt feelings and potential misunderstandings (as experienced by you). Now that the girls got their acceptance letters, even though “technically” they are allowed to speak about seminary, most of them do not, as they developed a sensitivity towards others’ feelings because of this project.

This initiative doesn’t only help the girls who are not planning on studying in Israel for the year; it also helps those who don’t get into the seminary of their choice. Furthermore, it teaches the girls tzniyus. The tzniyus of not flaunting what you have or where you are embarking is the essence of Klal Yisroel.

As I stated earlier in the letter, there are many quality local seminaries here. Before I started seminary in America, I was a bit skeptical to the level of education it would give me. I also was nervous that the girls would be different; not like me. I worked on myself to go in with an open mind and make the best of it. Honestly, I had a most enriching educational experience there. It was also beneficial for me to connect with other girls, outside of my chevrah.

As far as worrying about your future shidduch prospects: Anyone who bases a shidduch on whether or not the girl went to Eretz Yisroel for seminary is silly and too shallow for you. Your bashert will seek you out based on your middos tovos and conscientious observance of Hashem’s mitzvos. Hakadosh Boruch Hu will reward you for your meticulous observance of the mitzvah of kibbud av v’em. The nachas you bring to your parents and to Hashem will surely merit you to experience many forms of nachas in the coming time. And, I am sure, as a result of your proficiency in kibbud av v’em, you will have many opportunities to visit and experience Eretz Yisroel in the near future.

Are you a teen with a question? If you have a question or problem you’d like our columnists to address, email your question or insight to editor@fivetownsjewishhome.com, subject line: Teen Talk.

level of education it would give me. I also was nervous that the girls would be differHashem’s mitzvos. Hakadosh Boruch Hu will reward you for your meticulous observance of the mitz-

With much admiration, Mrs. Chayala Isbee

Mrs. Chayala Isbee is a long-time educator and school counselor at Bais Yaakov of Baltimore.

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