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The Week In News

JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

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Dear Readers, Much has been written about the allegations of abuse by a person the community had given their trust, support and respect. It’s important to discuss and analyze each angle on its own so that we learn, apply and implement the correct lessons going forward. In this note I want to focus on the Hollywood style hero worship we, at times, give people. Humans are humans. Each one of us has a Yetzer Tov, an altruistic force that wants all things good for the sake of good, happy when others are happy, and wants to connect with anything G-dly. Then there’s the Yetzer Harah. Every single person we know has one. It’s selfish, craves pleasure, is jealous of others, rejoices in the downfall of others, and wants to do anything but what Hashem demands of us at a given moment. We need to question ourselves. Do the people we honor and respect align with the Yetzer Tov, or are we just going along with the crowd? Even if they do, is my complimenting this person chanifa, flattery, for personal gain and attention, or is this the objectively right thing to do? It’s very sobering to realize that as humans we can make horrible mistakes and hurt people, at times for life. Yet this must be one of the take-aways: always be mindful of the selfishness lurking in our hearts. At times it attacks straightforward, at times it cloaks itself in activist, religious or slogan garb, but is always there, and never tires. The medicine is Torah and Mitzvos. The Talmud says, if this menuval (yetzer hara), bumps into you, drag him to the beis hamedrash. Connect with the light of Torah, and other Yidden. If needed, seek a mashpia or counselor. But know that help is always needed and be sure that we can rise above temptation, self interest and make the right choices. When asked by the angels why we should receive the Torah, Moshe Rabbeinu challenged them, questioning if they have parents, or yetzer hara. For this is the very purpose of creation. A lofty soul in a body of flesh - it is our job to refine it, one action at a time. Every one of us is a whole world. Every thought, speech and action we take affects the entire world and Iy’H will tip the scales, ushering in the final redemption. Wishing you a wonderful Shabbos,

Shalom

T H E P R E M I E R J E W I S H N E W S PA P E R H I G H L I G H T I N G L A’ S O R T H O D OX C O M M U N I T Y The Jewish Home is an independent bi-weekly newspaper. Opinions expressed by writers are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher or editor. The Jewish Home is not responsible for typographical errors, or for the kashrus of any product or business advertised within. The Jewish Home contains words of Torah. Please treat accordingly. FOR HOME DELIVERY, OR TO HAVE THE LATEST ISSUE EMAILED TO YOU FREE OF CHARGE, SEND A MESSAGE TO EDITOR@JEWISHHOMELA.COM

JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

Let’s take upon ourselves to stop the talking in Shul, beautify our davening, and show Hashem we are willing to accept His reign...

The Week In News

Sarah's The WeekCorner In News

JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

How I Wrote Two Books with Five Kids Sarah Pachter

When friends of mine hear that I published two books in the span of five years (some of which were during a pandemic!) while simultaneously raising five children, they are often curious to hear how I accomplished it. I am quick to assure them that the five techniques I used to maximize my time can be used by anyone and applied to find success in any area of life. 1. Verbalize What You Want Words have immense power. When Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced that he would accept Crypto currency, the Crypto stock immediately skyrocketed! His words alone held enough power to change the economy. While our own words may not send the market into a tailspin, they do still hold tremendous potential for generating change. My mother was the real impetus behind my journey as a writer. She was the first person who verbalized the words, “Sarah, you should write a book.” While at first those words sounded impossible, upon further reflection I replied, “Yes, I would like to do that one day.” This was the first time I was able to safely express what I truly wanted, making a distant dream seem a little more like a reality. In that one pivotal moment, I gave voice to my desires, even if I didn’t fully believe them yet. By putting words to our internal goals, we give them power. Subconsciously, we inform our brains that what we want holds importance and possibility. In Hebrew, the word for object is davar, which shares the same root as the word speech, dibbur. God created the world through speech. When He said the word light, those words were enough to bring light into being. Although we can’t

make an apple appear in our hands just by saying it, our words also have the power to create in a different way. Humans create businesses and invent new concepts by communicating with one another. We have the power to manifest what we want through speech. But speaking about our ideas is not enough. The next step is key in bringing that vision to fruition.

proving his skills. Even when he wasn’t in the mood or was running short on time, he made good on his promise and generated a new piece of art every single day. Fast forward years later and that expensive piece of digital artwork? It was actually a composite of all his years’ worth of daily artwork compiled into a single, incredible piece of art, representing his unrelenting commitment to achieve his goal no matter what.

2. Commit to Ten Minutes a Day At a job interview once, I was asked what my goal was in ten years. I replied that I would love to write a book. The follow up question was, and how will you achieve this? My response was that I would write for ten minutes every day.

Everyone has ten minutes a day to devote to something. Each moment is precious and will accumulate over time more quickly than we realize.

In the end, I was offered the position, and two years later my first book was published!

3. Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help When I gave birth to my youngest in the middle of the global pandemic, my motto was “all hands on deck!” I recognized the need for help and was quick to ask for it.

With five young children at home, there is little time for me to write an article, let alone an entire book! And even ten minutes can be challenging to commit to (I am currently typing this sentence on Erev Shabbos with a timer set for 10 minutes!). But somehow I was able to keep producing more articles and chapters week after week. Ten minutes may seem trivial, but in the end those minutes add up and have infinite potential. Have a few minutes in the carpool line? Instead of scrolling through Facebook, try allocating those minutes to a goal you are working toward. I put Google docs on my phone instead of social media, so a few minutes in line at the grocery store can become time spent jotting down ideas for my next chapter. I once came across the story of an artist who sold a single piece of digital art for $70 million dollars. He explained that many years ago, he decided to spend ten minutes a day working on his art and im-

What will you use your 10 minutes for?

We all need our sanity, and no one can be expected to be “on” 24/7. Asking for help should not carry any stigma, and that help can come in different forms depending on your needs, including cleaning help, child care, editing work, or mental health. Reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and absolutely essential in order to achieve anything worthwhile. Delegate whenever possible and find people you can rely on. For me this meant recognizing that my book would not be possible without help from others, including writing groups and of course the amazing book publishers and editors without whom no book would have been possible (thank you Targum and Feldheim!). 4. Say “No” a Lot! Learning to say “no” is a very important skill when it comes to achieving your goals. When I receive speaking requests,

I am very particular about what I say yes to. Even though I want to teach as much as possible, turning down certain opportunities is necessary if I have a larger goal in mind. When my oldest child was very young and had an early bedtime, I could easily slip out at night to give a class. As he got older and our family grew, it became necessary for me to cut back on my speaking engagements. Since I was not comfortable with video broadcasting or social media, I began brainstorming how I could continue to share Torah. That is how I began my writing career, which ended up being a blessing in disguise. None of us have time for everything, and that is why it is important to carefully choose where you place your energy. 5. Recognize when it’s Enough There is a famous saying that perfection is the enemy of done. The truth is, perfection doesn’t exist and nothing will ever be perfect. Recognizing this allowed me to finally publish my first book, after months of agonizing if the chapters were edited enough, if the cover was good enough, if the ideas were inspiring enough. I ultimately titled my second book “Is it Ever Enough” because I truly believe being able to say enough is the antidote to the lie of perfection. You may observe the image of perfection scrolling through advertisements and Instagram posts, but the truth is, that is all a ruse. There is no such thing as a perfect title, a perfect book, or a perfect anything. Whenever I try to write the first draft of any article that I know will be read by others, I get stuck. But when I just write from my heart, and the writing is only for me, that’s when the real creativity flows. Of course much time is spent editing each piece, but the initial release of creativity is dependent upon imperfection. Releasing the desire for perfection is like lifting a heavy burden that we didn’t know we were shouldering. When the shackles of perfection are loosened, we become happier, more creative individuals. By using the five lessons above, we can all take the next steps toward actualizing our full potential and achieving our loftiest goals.

The Week In News

JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

JWOW! Launches Website To Reach Even More Women 50+ Devorah Talia Gordon

A few years ago, Sara Brejt heard Faigie Horowitz and Miriam Liebermann speaking about the empty nest on a Chazaq internet radio program. She was inspired; the subject was one near and dear to her heart, and Sara, a career and life coach, knew many more women could benefit from their wisdom. The three women began to share the challenges of midlife such as caring for elderly parents, health, and spiritual growth, while they also discussed books they were reading and hobbies. The trio felt there was a need for women of this 50+ age to discuss topics unique to their stage, and in 2019, Jewish Women of Wisdom (JWOW!) was born. Each of the four women of JWOW! bring their own expertise to the table. In her career coaching, Sara, a former lawyer, is trained to support women making midlife career shifts. Miriam Liebermann, MSW, has edited two anthologies spotlighting the midlife stage and co-authored a book on grief and loss, Saying Goodbye. Faigie Horowitz, MS, daughter of the late Novominsker Rebbe, zt”l, is the rebbetzin of the Agudas Achim shul of Lawrence, co-founder of Rachel’s Place, and a board member of Makor Disability Services of Brooklyn. Miriam Hendeles, our local JWOW!er, was asked in early 2021 by fellow writer and friend Miriam Liebermann to join the JWOW! team, and be the West Coast contact. Miriam, a music therapist and author of two books, Mazel Tov! It’s a Bubby! and Best Foot Forward, has extensive blog writing experience, website knowledge, and involvement with online forums and social media, so she is the ‘techie’ on board. Initially, the women of JWOW! came together in-person to share ideas and concerns unique to their age and stage. Live gatherings in many Orthodox communities drew hundreds of women, to cultivate the bonds of sisterhood, discuss dilemmas of contemporary Jewish midlife, and socialize with like-minded women. “That was before COVID,” explains Miriam Hendeles. “Once COVID hit, JWOW! pivoted to Zoom, replicating the pre-COVID experience by incorporating large group conversation followed by special breakout rooms, enabling lively discussion in small groups.” While JWOW! already sends out bi-weekly emails to almost 1,000 members, JWOW! wanted to reach more women and provide daily digital interaction. Thus, website design began. Miriam Hendeles has been overseeing the design and working with copywriters, graphic designers, and engineers, with the active contribution of the other women. The website

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www.jewishwomenofwisdom.org is slated to go live on February 1st. “It will serve the JWOW! community as the portal to access Zoom events, online forums, and more,” explained Miriam. “Tons of free content will be available on the site, and a free online subscription to the newsletter. Women on the email list will receive articles directly to their inbox. Like this winner: Ten things You’re Doing to Make Your Daughter-In-Law crazy.” Becoming a paying member of JWOW! entitles women to locked content of even more articles, a subscription discount to Uplift Magazine (a new magazine from England), access to all Zoom events, and the ability to participate in the online forum. “This interactive forum is the main part of the website. It is moderated, and we will have many topics such as long-distance parenting/grandparenting, shiurim recommendations, advance planning, making aliyah, women’s health, and writing groups. On the forums, you can write a comment or post questions on your thread, and there will be responses and discussion. For members who want a daily level of interaction beyond the scheduled Zoom events, the forum is the answer.” Zoom meetings take place about once every six weeks. They’ve covered such topics such as Sukkos and Pesach and hosting extra guests, creating heirlooms, memoir writing and friendships. There are lively breakout rooms moderated by the four women; usually about fifty women attend the Zoom meetings, which typically are held at 12 pm EST on Sundays. So far, JWOW! has wowed the women involved, and when the site goes live, women will have two weeks to get a special discount when they join. “We want to create a movement where women our age feel relevant. We are vital, productive, educated, working women who want to be involved,” says Miriam. “We’re in a new stage now; our kids are grown up. With JWOW! we find more stimulation, and now, with the interactive site, we don’t have to travel across the country or world to access it.” To find out more, contact: hello@jewishwomenofwisdom.org

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JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

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JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

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JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

Abuse Prevention, Part 1: How to Deal with Abuse Allegations or Suspicions Yehudis Litvak

The recent allegations of abuse against a prolific Israeli writer of children’s books, and the events that followed, have shaken up our community. Our thoughts are with all victims of abuse, current and past. We pray that G-d give them the strength to heal. At the same time, we as a community must increase our efforts to prevent abuse. At Jewish Home, we spoke with a couple local rabbis and mental health professionals to receive some clear guidance on abuse prevention. This week, Rabbi Avrohom Union, Rabbinic Administrator of the Rabbinical Council of California, addresses reporting suspected abuse. We hope to continue this conversation in the next issue with more guidance on how to spot dangerous and abusive behavior. Obligation to speak up “The halacha is quite clear… It is an absolute obligation to educate our children that if something occurs to them that makes them uncomfortable, they must run to a responsible party to report it,” says Rabbi Union. “To report that something has occurred to you, or you are worried about something occurring, is not a violation of hilchos lashon hara. Halachically, it is an absolute obligation on us to protect our children, to protect the innocent. This is true even with adults, to speak up if something not right is happening.” How to speak up If abuse or any boundary violation has occurred, the goal is to stop the perpetrator and prevent further abuse. Therefore, the appropriate course of action depends on the best way to reach that goal. “When you see a clear and present danger, of course, you go to the police,” says Rabbi Union. In the case where a criminal

offense has been committed and where the victim is able and willing to testify against the perpetrator, going directly to the police would put the perpetrator behind bars and away from potential victims. However, it is not always possible to file a police report that can be legally acted upon. Rabbi Union shares, “Many times, in my limited experience, and I believe in the experience of many who’ve had to deal with these problems, you don’t have the ability to file a report. You need witnesses to come forward. Very sadly, people are beginning to understand how difficult it is for victims to come forward. Then the police can’t do very much.” Rabbi Union adds that sometimes a police report might even make things worse. “The perpetrator will often deny everything. And we’ve seen that in recent news events as well. They deny everything and you have nothing to make it stick… If they don’t have forensic evidence, then the case gets closed.” And the abuser will continue abusing, while doing a better job at covering his tracks. Therefore, as much as we’d like to leave this unpleasant task to the police, our community “needs to be proactive in its self-protection,” says Rabbi Union. We need to be vigilant and pay attention to red flags when it comes to people who are in close contact with our children. When abuse involves a minor, another place to turn to is Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS). But, just as with the police, the abuse allegations need to be substantiated in order to lead to appropriate action. “Anyone can call up DCFS and make a report – against a teacher or someone else – but they have to have some basis to act on it,” says Rabbi Union. What do we do if our child reports or we notice something suspicious but not criminal? Rabbi Union suggests speak-

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ing to a responsible Rav or Rebbetzin, or a Beis Din, or a therapist who is familiar with community affairs. He emphasizes that it’s important to speak to somebody who can and will do something about our concerns. It’s not helpful to discuss our suspicions on social media or a local community chat. It’s also not helpful to speak to anyone who dismisses our concerns. “Whoever you speak to,” advises Rabbi Union, “ask, ‘Will you get back to me?’” We want to make sure that the situation is being take care of by a responsible party. There are situations when a Rav or Rebbetzin can do more than the police. “They can get a warning to people who need to have a warning, and get action to be taken to get help for someone who needs to get help, and a whole array of other things that can and might be done in different situations,” says Rabbi Union. Moreover, a therapist is a mandated reporter by law, which means that they will know what needs to be reported to the authorities and how to do it. In some states, clergy are also mandated reporters. Therefore, when in doubt, consulting a knowledgeable therapist can help clarify the situation and lead to appropriate action. Additionally, when victims are legally adults, the police may not be able to take action, even if there is a clear power imbalance between the perpetrator and the victim. While not legally prosecutable, such situations are tremendously damaging to the victims. The community leadership should be made aware of them in order to take proper steps to prevent further abuse of power by the perpetrator. Rabbi Union adds, “If we’re talking about protecting our community, the simplest thing in the world would be for us to say, ‘Leave the rabbis and rebbetzins alone! Call the police!’ You would have a very unsafe community because there is so much that the police cannot do. To assume that the police is going to be the solution for everything is misinformed. That’s not to say that one shouldn’t go to the police when situations call for going to the police.” But when there is no clear criminal case, speaking to a rabbi or mental health professional might prove more helpful in the long run. What to do when the circumstances are not clear Sometimes, we might observe or our child might report certain behavior, and we are unsure if it is cause for concern. When in doubt, there are professionals we can turn to who can help us out. “There

are professionals with expertise particularly in assessment in this area,” says Rabbi Union. “You don’t have to go it alone and be the lone ranger. You don’t need to figure it out yourself. Go to someone responsible who knows more than you do and say, ‘This is what my child is reporting. Should I be concerned?’ And the experts will say, ‘Yes,’ ‘No, normal,’ or ‘Bring the child in. Let’s talk.’ There are steps to be taken, and you don’t have to feel, ‘How do I know this?’” Rabbi Union explains that in terms of hilchos lashon hara, there is no problem speaking with such a professional, even if the parent is not quite sure what exactly occurred or if an allegation is true. “We are expected to act as if it might be true. That is, if there is a suspicion. What we are not allowed to do is to say, ‘Oh, this person did A, B, C, and D,’ because you don’t know that for a fact. But if I hear something disconcerting, I do have the right to say, ‘I’m concerned by so-and-so’s behavior with my child.’” Rabbi Union adds that even if the situation concerns someone else’s children, or even young adults, one should still speak to a professional, because there might be many reasons why the concerned parties themselves are not speaking up. “If you see something, say something,” he says. Of course, it’s possible that we are overreacting. “Everyone right now is being hypervigilant because we’ve been so traumatized that any little thing might make us worried,” says Rabbi Union. Nevertheless, it’s better to be safe than sorry and speak to a responsible party who can assess whether there is cause for concern. When should one go public with abuse allegations? Unfortunately, there are cases of abuse where the only way to stop the perpetrator is to publicize their actions. This should be the last resort, explains Rabbi Union. However, if all of the above steps fail to bring results -- if the perpetrator refuses to appear in Beis Din and there is not enough evidence for the police to get involved -the community must be warned. “Where we know that there is a danger or suspected danger, there is an absolute obligation. The Rambam is black on white, and this is the halacha, that if there is strong circumstantial basis, once we’ve established that a danger is presented by the individual, we have not only the right but the responsibility to go public with this information to prevent damage and casualties,” says Rabbi Union. “It is not only not lashon

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hara, but it’s a mitzvah [to publicize] and do whatever needs to be done.” He adds, “You’ll ask, ‘But what about the family?’ The Rambam deals with that. The Rambam says you bring the mother of the offender, and you say, ‘Look at what you raised!’ Now, that’s pretty strong. But the point I want to bring out with that Rambam is, we don’t say, ‘But what about an innocent family? What about an innocent wife? Or husband?’ If we can’t protect by other means, then we do what needs to be done. We don’t need to do more than needs to be done, but we do what needs to be done.” Rabbi Union adds a word of caution. Going public too early on in the process can be just as harmful as premature police reports. “There seems to be a naïve belief that somehow, if you can put something on a blog, or put it in the public eye, it will solve the problem. In the best case scenario, it’s likely to invite absolute denial and nothing positive. In the worst case scenar-

Big picture “Let’s not lose sight of the fact that the vast majority of our community are well-intentioned, good, fine, concerned Torah Jews,” says Rabbi Union. “Not perfect. But they don’t do terrible things. At the same time, there is an element – whether it’s out of illness or whether it’s evil – let Hashem decide that. There is a small element, but it shouldn’t cloud our perspective to think that that small element is a reflection of the community at large… The vast majority of people are wonderful. They are people you want to daven with, people you want to shop with, and people you want to share simchos with. In our trauma over disclosures that have upset all of us, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this is not who we are as a community. But at the same time, who we are as a community can’t allow us to overlook that small number of people who are victimizing innocents in our community and do everything possible to put an end to this scourge.”

we need to first put our hearts and our feelings with the victims, whenever these incidents occur. These are the people we need to be first and foremost concerned about -protecting them and helping them to heal.”

io, it might drive the dangerous individual underground, to be more careful in covering their tracks… Whatever you do, it needs to be done with professionals, with people who have expertise.” Well-meaning amateurs can cause more harm than good. They can also be destroying lives of innocent people. Sometimes people are falsely accused of abuse, especially in divorce and custody battles, when abuse accusations are used as a weapon.

Prevention is the best medicine “The first thing we need to take home from all of this is that we need to do more to prevent [abuse],” says Rabbi Union. “To stop a perpetrator from going further – that’s a big mitzvah, but to stop it from happening – that’s a lot bigger. The priority has to be to try and prevent.” How do we prevent abuse? Through education, says Rabbi Union. Both parents and children need to be educated about abuse and its warning signs. There are a lot of materials available today that convey the necessary information in child-friendly ways, in several languages, including Yiddish. In a future article, we plan to address the warning signs of abuse in more depth.

Compassion and support for the victims Once abuse has occurred, our main priority, besides stopping the perpetrator, is to support the victims, says Rabbi Union. “[The victims] are suffering immensely, in ways that we cannot give voice to, can hardly describe the kind of Gehennom they can be put through as a result of molestation, abuse by authority figures. And again, it doesn’t have to be with minors. It can be incredibly damaging and traumatizing. So

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JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

OU Women’s Initiative Celebrates First Nach Yomi Siyum This January, the Orthodox Union Women’s Initiative will be celebrating the culmination of its first two-year Nach Yomi cycle featuring shiurim from women scholars, with aseries of celebratory events in New York, Israel and across the country. The Torat Imecha Nach Yomi program began in January 2020 and has featured daily downloadable audio shiurim on Nach, Nevi’im (Prophets) and Ketuvim (Writings). “What Nach affords you, as a learner, is to be part of the journey and history of the Jewish people and be an audience to the sacred words of our prophets.” says Rebbetzin Dr. AdinaShmidman, director of the OU Women’s Initiative. Siyum events begin with shiurim on Shabbat Shira, January 14-15, by Nach Yomi educators at shuls across the country. Renowned female scholars will speak in communities from California to Colorado and from Toronto to Texas. So far, the list includes 22 speakers and cities, but will continue to grow as the event nears. “The OU Women’s Initiative Nach Yomi program was an inspired idea that has created a spiritual anchor for what has become a learning community of thou-

sands of women who are infusing their every day with Torah knowledge, guidance, and connection. We view this as a critical contribution to Orthodox communal life and look forward to its growing impact,” observed Rabbi Moshe Hauer, Executive Vice President of the Orthodox Union. Rabbi Josh Joseph, Executive Vice President & Chief Operating Officer of the OU remarked, “The number of women now learning Nach on a daily basis is quite simply astounding. We thank the Torat Imecha Nach Yomi participants and our leadership for making this the largest women’s learning program…ever. With so many women learning the same text with the same teacher - Yeyasher Kochachem!” The siyum festivities continue on Sunday, January 16th with a celebration at Congregation Beth Sholom in Lawrence, NY. This women-only program will include music by composer and vocalist Sorah Shaffren, talks by Nach Yomi educators and a catered lunch. Nach Yomi participants in Israel will enjoy two more special events starting with shiurim at the OU Israel Center on Sunday, January 23rd. On Monday, January

24th, events continue with a talk entitled “Yehoshua and You” and a tour of Qasr al Yuhud and Mitzepe Yericho with Rivi Frankel and end with a grand siyum celebration in Yerushalayim in the evening. “Rebbetzin Dr. Shmidman and the OU’s Women’s Initiatives Department advances the fundamental values of Torah Judaism. The Nach Yomi program exemplifies this commitment, ensuring that each and every day includes an expansion of one’s Torah knowledge,” commented Moishe Bane, president of the OU. The program has been a tremendous success. More than 6,500 women are subscribed to receive the daily learning modules, which total 742 individual shiurim, and more than 1,000 women have completed the full series. The program is meant for women of all ages and religious and educational backgrounds to learn on their own schedules. “What’s truly remarkable is to find women of such diverse backgrounds— learning, hashkafic, geographic, age—being part of the same classroom, learning and growing together, “ says Shmidman, who is also rebbetzin of The Lower Merion

Synagogue in Bala Cynwyd, PA. “Torat Imecha Nach Yomi has created a space of strength and support through the gift of our holy sefarim. The dedication of both participants and educators is extraordinary and speaks tothe remarkable impact of this program.” Participants who have completed the series are invited to add their names to the online Siyum Scroll at ou.org/women/ nachsiyum. The program launched at a particularly opportune time. In January 2020, when the most recent cycle of Daf Yomi started, there was an increase in attention on daily learning. Shortly thereafter, the Covid-19 pandemic forced many to isolate and find more virtual learning opportunities. “It’s been incredible to hear from so many participants how connected they feel to these beloved texts and how much, over these last two difficult years, these words have been such an anchor,” says Shmidman,” says Shmidman. Elaine Tuchman, a Nach Yomi participant from Baltimore, is one such example. “I so much appreciate this program as it permits me to learn whenever it is most convenient for me,” she says, “Torat Imecha Nach Yomi is a very important part of my day. It brings me so much simcha.” To donate and participate in the in-person events or to livestream the celebrations, visit ou.org/women/nachsiyum.

Emotional Health

Is There Hope When Love Grows Cold? Rabbi Dov Heller, LMFT

Here are three basic types of relational conversations: The Adversarial Conversation The adversarial couples fights, bickers, and attacks. Their communication style is to take a stand, stake out a position, and defend their territory. They exhaust themselves trying to convince each other to give in and come over to their side. They would rather be right than be loved. They bargain, plead, yell, scream in a hysterical attempt to get the other person to listen and pay attention to their feelings, needs, and pain. A wise woman once said, “The reason why two people scream louder and louder at each other is because their hearts are so far apart that they need to scream to bridge the gulf between them.” How sad. You’d think couples stuck in an adversarial conversation would eventually figure out that this isn’t working and try something different. The Alienated Conversation The alienated conversation is a tired one because the couple has essentially giv-

en up. They might have been adversarial at one point but have now quit, exhausted from conflict. The smoldering embers of their love grow cold. They have settled into co-existing, there is little friendship and no romance. Politeness takes the place of playfulness and plastic smiles take the place of laughter. They speak in formalized, terse, sterile tones, avoiding conflict and avoiding intimacy as they starve each other of affection. They go through the motions of being coupled. Paul Simon paints a painful picture of the alienated conversation: And we sit and drink our coffee Couched in our indifference like shells upon the shore. You can hear the ocean roar In the dangling conversation and the superficial sighs the borders of our lives… And like a poem poorly written, We are verses out of rhythm, couplets out of rhyme in syncopated time, Lost in the dangling conversation and

the superficial sights, the borders of our lives And I only kiss your shadow, I cannot feel your hand, you’re a stranger now unto me. In the dangling conversation, and the superficial sighs the borders of our lives. If your relationship is growing cold, there exists another conversation other than the “dangling conversation.” The Collaborative Conversation This is where hope lies in wait. To rekindle a dying love, a couple must be willing to make a radical shift and strive to create a new kind of conversation that is collaborative. What creates a collaborative conversation is the ability to confide in each other rather than blame each other. In order to confide a person must be able to do the following four things: Be able to control one’s anger and reactivity Be honest with ones self, owning one’s pain, unmet needs, and longings Speak only in I-sentences, not in you-sentences which imply blame Tolerate the anxiety of being vulnerable I am at a party noticing that my wife is talking with another man. I start to feel angry, jealous, hurt, betrayed. I want to attack and hurt her in return for hurting me. I am not thinking straight and reacting out of control. I realize I must talk with her but realize I have to identify what’s most painful for me. When I talk with my wife instead of attacking her, I

confide in her. “I need to let you know how jealous I felt and hurt tonight when you were talking with Sam. I can’t begin to express how betrayed I felt. Maybe I’m way over reacting but this is how I feel. Maybe I’m too sensitive and insecure and should trust you more, but I guess I’m not that confident in our relationship. I really love you and need your help.” I anxiously wait to see how she will respond. She could take advantage of my vulnerability and defend herself or choose to be collaborative. I am relieved as she says, “I hear how painful it was for you watching me talk with Sam. I can imagine how I might have felt if it was a reversed scenario. Our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. At the same time, I need to know you trust me and I need freedom to make my own decisions about who I talk to. I can’t feel like I’m a bad person for talking with another man once in a while. Let’s try to figure this out so we both feel ok. These are the sounds of a collaborative conversation taking place. Are you in a loveless relationship? If so, try going to your partner and say, “I’m tired of fighting, feeling disconnected and alienated. I want something better for both of us. Can we try something new? With these words, you have started a new type of conversation. You have taken a huge step towards creating a collaborative relationship and finding love.

Dirshu The Week In News

JANUARY 20, 2022 | The Jewish Home

Senior Gedolim to Grace Two Massive Siyumim at the Mifal HaPayis Stadium in Yerushalayim Celebrating the Completion of the Second Machzor of Dirshu Daf HaYomi B’Halacha Two Simultaneous Women’s Events to Pay Tribute to Neshei Dirshu Chaim Gold

For two nights next month, one of the storied, massive stadiums in Eretz Yisrael will undergo a remarkable transformation; a transformation that screams two words, “Kiddush Hashem.” Instead of a basketball game or secular concert, the arena will become a massive bais medrash graced by senior Gedolei Yisrael celebrating a new cadre of tens of thousands of new “Mishnah Berurah Yidden”: Yidden who have completed the entire Daf HaYomi B’Halacha cycle of all six chalakim of Mishnah Berurah. As we are in the final weeks before completing the second machzor of Dirshu’s Daf HaYomi B’Halacha daily Mishnah Berurah learning program, all eyes are focusing on the Mifal HaPayis Arena Stadium in Yerushalayim. Yidden the world over and especially lomdei Dirshu in Eretz Yisrael are greatly anticipating the two events to be held on Thursday, 9 Adar I/ February 10 and again, two nights later on Motzoei Shabbos, 11 Adar I/February 12 at the same venue. Why is Dirshu making two gala siyumim? To accommodate the massive crowds! There is simply no indoor venue large enough to accommodate the tens of thousands who seek to attend the Siyum and celebrate the ultimate simchas haTorah of the distinguished lomdei Dirshu, together with so many fellow Yidden. On the same two nights there will be simultaneous special events for Neshei Dirshu, the heroic Dirshu wives who will gather at the Keter Harimon Hall in Bnei Brak on Thursday and at the Binyanei Haumah Convention Center on motzoei Shabbos for two unique women’s programs that will feature selected livestreams from the Mifal HaPayis Arena. Dirshu is Not Just a Program, it’s a Way of Life! Why the major events? Dirshu isn’t just a program, it’s a way of life, an approach to life that makes limud haTorah paramount with verifiable yedias haTorah and yedias halacha the ultimate goal. The senior Gedolei Yisrael from literally across the spectrum have recognize Dirshu’s contribution to the fulfilment of the Divine promise of ki lo sishochach m’pi zaro – that Torah will never be forgotten from Klal Yisrael. That is why they have always attend encouraged and addressed major Dirshu siyumim which are synonymous with phenomenal kavod haTorah and kavod for lomdei Torah.

shu wives sharing with their fellow Dirshu sisters how being part of Dirshu has impacted, enriched, and enhanced their lives. Throughout the evenings, the women will also get to participate in choice moments of the men’s siyum through a live-feed providing inspirational highlights such as the actual siyum or the entrance of the senior Gedolim. Shabbos in… Vilna! Meanwhile, this Shabbos Dirshu is slated to embark on its first in the series of World Siyumim, the European Siyum in Vilna, culminating in a gala Melava Malka Siyum.

Who can forget the previous World Siyum marking the completion of the first machzor of Daf HaYomi B’Halacha which was graced by the venerated senior Rosh Yeshiva of that time, HaGaon HaRav Aharon Leib Shteinman who, despite his 100 years of age, not only came but expended the tremendous effort to address the siyum?! At that siyum of the machzor rishon of Daf HaYomi B’Halacha, there was a hush as Rav Shteinman, in his soft voice, cited the Gemara that, “A gathering of tzaddikim is good for them and good for the world. A gathering of Reshaim is bad for them and bad for the world.” Rav Shteinman said forcefully, “It is good to make gatherings like this! They strengthen us all, especially in [difficult times] like this. In this zechus may all of us merit kol tuv!” Indeed, gatherings such as the one that will take place in just two weeks serve to strengthen Klal Yisrael by the very virtue of the fact that those present merit to see the senior Gedolim of our time. It is hoped that be’ezras Hashem, health permitting, the luminaries of today’s generation such as the Sar haTorah, Maran, HaGaon HaRav Chaim Kanievsky, shlita and the Zekan roshei yeshivos of our generation Maran HaGaon HaRav Gershon Edelstein, shlita, will attend, as well as HaGaon HaRav Berel Povarsky, shlita, Rosh Yeshivas Ponovezh. The venerated Sephardic Gaonim, HaGaon HaRav Shalom Cohen, shlita, and HaGaon HaRav

Shimon Baadani, shlita, will also grace the gathering as well as the Gedolei Ho’admorim from Eretz Yisrael such as the Vizhnitzer Rebbe, shlita, the Sanzer Rebbe, shlita, and numerous others. Dirshu is a Family Affair In all truth, Dirshu is not just the domain of the lomed Dirshu. Being part of Dirshu has an impact on the entire family! The neshei Dirshu, the wonderful wives of those who participate in Dirshu’s program are an absolutely integral component in its success. It is they who hold down the home fort when their husbands are out learning, chazering and preparing for his bechinah. It is they who happily send and encourage their husbands to go and learn Daf HaYomi B’Halacha or other Dirshu programs, every day. It is also they who reap the benefits of the unique atmosphere of a Dirshu home, a home where Torah learning, Torah living and most importantly ahavas haTorah, reveling in the Torah is part and parcel of the very fabric of the home. It is for this reason that Dirshu’s hanhalah led by its Nasi, Rav Dovid Hofstedter, shlita, has created a remarkable, live, simultaneous women’s program to coincide with the two World Siyumim at the Mifal HaPayis Arena stadium. Dirshu wives will gather at both the Keter Harimon Hall and at the large Binyanei Haumah Convention Center for two heartwarming, chizuk-infused siyumim that will feature unique programing for women. In addition to inspirational speakers, a most beautiful, tasteful musical performance will be held. Another highlight will be the testimonials of Dir-

The Vilna Shabbos was slated to be preceded on Thursday by a deeply moving tefillah gathering at the kever of the Chofetz Chaim in Radin where the Gedolei Yisrael and the entire assemblage pour out in tefillah on behalf of Klal Yisrael, begging Hashem that in the Chofetz Chaim’s merit, more and more Yidden should incorporate daily halacha into their lives. The trip to Radin was by no means the only highlight. The historic Shabbos was to feature hundreds of Yidden led by the Rabbonim of Europe. Included was also a prominent delegation of Rabbanim and lomdei Dirshu from America. Mazel tov Klal Yisrael! Whether it is Europe or the multiple, Stadium-sized siyumim to be held in Eretz Yisrael, one thing is constant and consistent: lomdei Dirshu will derive tremendous chizuk from Gedolei Yisrael such as the Rosh Yeshiva of Chevron, HaGaon HaRav Dovid Cohen, shlita, the Rosh Yeshiva of Slabodka, HaGaon HaRav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, shlita, the Vizhinitzer Rebbe, shlita, the Belzer Rebbe, shlita, the Sanzer Rebbe, shlita, HaGaon HaRav Shimon Baadani, shlita, HaGaon HaRav Boruch Mordechai Ezrachi, shlita, Rosh Yeshivas Ateres Yisrael, HaGaon HaRav Shimon Galei, shlita, Hagaon HaRav Leizer Yehuda Finkel, shlita, HaGaon HaRav Binyomin Finkel, shlita, and so many others who have attended previous siyumim and who b’ezras Hashem, in good health will be able to attend the upcoming Siyum, to celebrate the fact that Yidden from across the world have brought Hashem into their lives by learning daily Halacha. Mazel tov, lomdei Dirshu! Mazel tov Klal Yisrael!

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