Health & Heels - Spring 2022 by Jewish Link Marketing Solutions

Spring Issue

The credit card processing company & POS system designed for your business.

STAFF Tanya Rosen Editor In Chief Basya Kovacs Managing Editor Moshe Kinderlehrer/The Jewish Link Media Group Publishing Consultant & Advisor Rachel Herman Assistant Editor Basya Kovacs Content Manager Rabbi Yehuda Kovacs Rabbinic Advisor Adam Negnewitzky Layout & Design Rivky Bergstein Proofreader & Copy Editor

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AVO ID IN G E M OT IO N A L FO O D TR A P S O N PE S AC H

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PE S AC H H OT E L & R E S O RT TIP S

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10 THINGS YOU DIDN’ T KNOW ABOUT ME: NAOMI JOSEPH

CONTACTS Website: www.healthandheelsmagazine.com | General Information: info@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Submissions: submissions@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Letters To The Editor: editor@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Advertising: ads@healthandheelsmagazine.com | Address: 3817 13th Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11218 | Phone: (844) 826-9234 Distributor: questions-fwdistribution2@gmail.com Disclaimer: This magazine is for informational purposes only and does not substitute professional or medical advice. This magazine may contain sheimos. Please treat with proper respect.

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In this issue

MY WE I GH T LOSS JOU R N EY

F RO M O U R INB OX

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INSIDE SCO O P : WHAT I D O N ’ T LIKE A B O UT MY JO B

PESACH O N A PL A N

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THE CH OL H AMOE D GU I DE

LET ’ S G ET CO O KING

F RO M T HE PELVIC F LO O R PHYSIOT HERA PIST

HIDDEN HERO ES

MY PESACH MIRACLE

DID YO U MISS T HE B OAT ?

L A ST LICKS: MAYA’ S CO NF ESSIO N

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CULTIVATING A TRUSTING AND WHOLESOME REL ATIONSHIP WITH OUR CHILDREN

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Meet the

Writers Karen Behfar

Malky Blum

Blimie Heller

Yael Ishakis

Elana Mizrahi

Spring Issue

Naomi Joseph

Tamar Ohana

Atarah Malkah Silva

Tali Chobara

Estee Cohen

Sara Freed

Ellen Haimoff

Basya Kovacs

Amy Lefcoe

Sunny Levy

Tanya Rosen

Etty Surkis

Debbie Selengut

Luba Surman-Hess

Jen Sharbani

Goldie Young

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letter from the editor

Tanya Rosen

Dear readers,

As we enter the Pesach season, here is a question to ponder:

Pesach and dieting...what’s the connection? There are many! Self-control. Think about the built-in self-control we have every Pesach. We can’t eat our usual foods, some don’t even go out to eat or eat in other people’s houses! Yet we don’t think twice. We don’t think of it as an option. We just keep doing what we need to do. It’s the same concept as when something isn’t kosher or we’re fleishigs and something is dairy. Prep! No other holiday requires as much prep as Pesach does—between cleaning, cooking, shopping, making menus, etc. Dieting also requires prep in order to succeed. Judgment doesn’t matter. Pesach is a time where different people have different traditions and levels of stringency. Yet no one really judges. Everyone allows for people to do what they feel comfortable with. Even when someone says they won’t eat in your house, you accept that and don’t get offended. When it comes to dieting, however, everyone is quick to judge and give advice and try to persuade people to do what they’re not comfortable with. Celebrating freedom with not being free; contradictory?

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On Pesach we’re officially celebrating freedom, yet we do so in a very not-free way. We’re not free to use whatever utensils we want. We’re not free to eat what we want or go where we want.

Maybe if we stop looking at dieting as a lack of freedom but rather doing what we need to do, we will have a different perspective. It’s temporary; not forever. We get through Pesach as hard as it is knowing that it’s not forever, it’s temporary. We need to look at dieting the same way. The hard part (weight loss) is temporary and won’t last forever. Once we reach our goal and are ready to maintain, it will be a lot easier. Almost anything can be done if you keep in mind that it isn’t forever. So as we head into the Pesach season, let the various aspects of this Yom Tov serve as a reminder of how strong and well prepared you are, and how much willpower you actually have when you put your mind to it. Wherever you are this Pesach, I hope that after all your hard work, you can sit back and relax, coffee and magazine on hand. Wishing us all a Chag Kasher v’Samei’ach—and may we all experience true freedom in our personal lives, as well as together as a nation with the ultimate freedom of geulah, may we merit it speedily in our days. With love,

Tanya Editor In Chief

Tanya can be reached by emailing tanya@healthandheelsmagazine.com. To follow her daily health tips on WhatsApp, send her a message at 917-913-1523.

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letters to the editor

inbox F ROM O UR

I know it wasn’t your intention but… This may come across as petty and I’m sure it wasn’t what you meant to do, but I feel almost non worthy as a Jewish woman because I am “just a stay-at-home mom.” Reading your magazine is very entertaining and very inspirational but it leaves me feeling I need to be doing more with my life like these women you feature. While I admire them greatly, how about some limelight and attention on us “simple stayat-home moms”? A Stay-at-Home Mom Editor’s reply: Thanks for your feedback. That isn’t our intention at all and we will definitely keep it in mind. You forgot to include… I love!!! Your magazine! It is literally what has been missing in mine (and I’m sure many others’) lives! I have suggestions of what else you need to include: Home decor Dealing with married kids Taking care of aging parents and in-laws Otherwise I think you covered it all! Keep up the great work! A Grateful Reader

Editor’s reply: Wow! If that’s all we’re missing and we’ve only had two issues, we are flattered and thankful! Stay tuned for more topics. Re: Tanya’s Quick Transformation (Winter Issue) I enjoyed reading that little short piece. I have no attention span for long articles. This was short and had pics so it was perfect for my non-existent attention span. I just have one question: What if getting dressed isn’t what’s stopping me? What if I just simply hate working out? Any tips for that? Suri R. Tanya responds: Yes! Find something you love! I know that sounds impossible but it’s out there! Maybe it’s swimming or hiking or jumping on a trampoline or even dancing! Keep looking for it—it’s there. Feeling a Little Left Out Dear Health and Heels, First of all, I wanted to tell you how much I am enjoying the magazine. I find the advice in your health section to be

We love to hear from our readers! To submit a letter to the editor, please reach out to us at editor@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

practical, positive, and balanced. I also love the diverse range of topics that you cover, and I love seeing beautiful, tznius women being portrayed on your pages. You are doing a fantastic job! That being said, there is one thing that is really bothering me. I find it a bit unsettling that your fashion section only portrays clothing designed for thin women. I would love to see you catering to women of all sizes because your readers come in all shapes and sizes! Again, yasher koach for a beautiful, inspirational magazine. Dini Stern Editor’s reply: Thank you so much for your feedback! We are thrilled that you are enjoying our magazine. As our publication is still in its infancy, we haven’t had a chance to portray too many different fashion displays, but fear not! In the coming issues, including this one, you will find fashion columns that cater to women of all ages, stages, and sizes. Happy reading!

The H&H Team

The Inside Scoop What I Don’t Like About My Job MAYA

I dislike not being able to come to work gatherings and see everyone in a non-work setting.

BASYA

I always feel like I need more time with my clients! Sometimes 15 minutes in is when we are just getting to the heart of the matter, and then suddenly the session is over and the next client is already waiting.

JENNY

The only thing I don’t like is my commute from Toms River to Boro Park. Several times, Tanya offered me the chance to only work closer to home but I refused. Tuesdays in Boro Park is our craziest and funnest day. A bunch of us are there, I get to see everyone, I get to meet with my Boro Park clients, and that’s also when we make all our cute videos. The advantage of the drive is that I get some headspace before I get home to my “second job”: my adorable baby, baruch Hashem.

RACHEL

Getting dressed up! I wish I could just see clients in my pajamas and no makeup.

SARIT

Having two phones is overwhelming enough. But once a week I have… three! Imagine three phones ringing and vibrating all at once! That means texts, WhatsApps, and calls! I literally get dizzy on those days.

TANYA

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I don’t like anything related to paperwork, bills, banking, and accounting. Thankfully, my husband handles all that

For those who don’t know, we have over 50 WhatsApp chats for work!

Pesach on a Plan: Everything You Need to Know Pesach doesn't have to mean weight gain. Follow these tips and ideas and maintain your weight no matter what food plan you are following.

The 411 on Matzah Whole Wheat vs. Spelt

Whole wheat is lower in calories and fat and is higher in fiber. However, spelt is gentler on the digestive system. If you have any digestive issues or stomach sensitivities, choose spelt. Otherwise, choose whole wheat. A typical shmurah matzah is equal to four slices of bread. If your plan allows for two slices of bread, have half a shmurah matzah. If your plan allows for one slice of bread, have a quarter of a shmurah matzah. When possible, such as on Chol Hamoed, stick to whole wheat matzah crackers. A square matzah is equal to two slices of bread. If your plan allows for two Slices of bread, have one whole matzah. If your plan allows for one slice of bread, have half. Unless you are skipping the matzah or just having a bite of it, your matzah is your carb for the meal, so avoid any other carbs along with it.

TIP:

Find out in advance exactly how much a kezayis is so you can eat the minimum at the Sedarim.

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Pesach Shopping Tip!

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When shopping for Pesach, don’t forget to look at the ingredients and ask your nutritionist ahead of time how your selected foods count on your plan. Plan ahead so you’re not stuck without the foods that will help you stay on track. Happy Pesach shopping!

MYTHFACT OR

Passover Is a Good Reason to Quit This is absolutely a myth! While there are many foods you might need to stay away from during Yom Tov, there are plenty of alternatives that are KLP and healthy! Back in the day it may have been impossible to find healthier KLP foods, but over the years and with high demand for better foods that won’t break our healthy lifestyles, there are now loads of things to help you stay on track!

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Plus, don’t forget that all fruits and vegetables are kosher all year round, so stock up on fresh, canned (sugar-free), and frozen fruits and veggies!

I’ll Gain Pesach Weight This is a myth! Some people think that even if you stick to your plan, you’ll gain weight during Yom Tov. The reason for this worry is because it’s a “change in diet.” I put that in quotation marks because it really isn’t. You’re simply substituting some things for other things for a week and a half. You’re still eating within the guidelines of your plan regardless of the temporary changes in foods. Also, it’s not for a few months, where your body adapts, but rather a temporary change from which you can easily switch back. Stay strong, stick to your plan, and have a healthy Pesach!

The Meaning of the Word Pesach In Hebrew, Pesach means to skip over. This was the indication that Hashem will skip over the homes that were marked during the Plague of the Firstborn son (or Makas Bechoros). When thinking about health and nutrition during any holiday, we like to say “the calories don’t count,” as if to say the calories will “skip over us.” But let’s be realistic here: No matter how special the day, whatever we eat will still count as it always has and always will. The calories won’t “skip over” us just because it’s a holiday. Remember to look at nutrition facts and enjoy the Yom Tov while still keeping to your plan.

PESACH T I P S:

Fruity Goodness! Water is a basic necessity in life, but that doesn’t mean it has to be boring!

Here is an excellent way to spice up your water so you always have something tasty to drink: Have some slices of fruit prepared to take with you on Chol Hamoed trips. This way you can throw it into any bottle of water. If you’re invited for meals, every home has fruits. Don’t be shy! Chances are other guests will follow suit. Either way, you’re getting your water in a tasty fashion!

Passover ladyfingers are a great lowcalorie snack. I like them so much, I buy extra to have during the year. Always fill half your plate with vegetables, the other quarter with protein (chicken, fish, meat), and if necessary, the other quarter with starch if you are not having matzah. Make yourself a list of “no-nos” before Pesach that you are committed to not having at all. For example, cake, kugel, chocolate, etc. If you get off track, don’t try to undereat in order to fix it. This will just set up a vicious cycle where you go to the next meal hungry. Try to get back to your normal structure as quickly as possible. Plan your Chol Hamoed outings well. Bring cut veggies and sugar-free gum and candy along with your lunch and snack so you don’t come home starved. Don’t feel obligated to eat because people around you are eating or pressuring you to eat. Similarly, don’t feel obligated to overeat because it’s Yom Tov. There is no mitzvah to overeat but there is a mitzvah to take good care of your health. Keep this in mind when sitting at long Yom Tov meals. Coffee is life, they say. :) It curbs your appetite, keeps you busy, gives you energy, and tastes delicious. Top it with whipped cream for that perfect added sweetness any time of the day!

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Pesach Hotel and Resort Tips

By Tanya Rosen

EXERCISE:

Can I maintain or even lose weight during Pesach at a hotel or resort? ABSOLUTELY!

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I’ve compiled a list of tips from my many years of experience with Pesach getaways. 14

Most hotels offer exercise classes, separate gym and pool hours, and some have beautiful grounds and walking trails. Take advantage of these amenities. Burn calories and set the right tone for the day. Try to fit in a workout on Erev Pesach after you’ve settled into your room. That way you will stay away from the lavish arrival meal and you will also come into Yom Tov with the right mindset.

HEALTHY CHOICES:

There is a plethora of food from which to choose but there are also more than enough healthy choices. For example: At a breakfast buffet, have a custom omelet prepared for you with cooking spray, a whole egg, two egg whites, and your choice of vegetables. Choose cutup fruits and salads with dressings on the side. Sit down and eat without going back to check out the food. When leaving, use the closest exit instead of walking past the food to the last exit in the dining room.

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THE TEA ROOM IS NOT A NECESSITY:

You can enjoy the tea, coffee, and fruits. If you will be too tempted by the food there, send someone to get your drink for you. Sit in the lobby to enjoy your drink instead of at one of the tables in the tea room where you will be surrounded by tempting junk food. You can also opt to do something else altogether.

YOUR ONE TREAT:

Do allow yourself one treat a day if necessary, but only if you are sure it won’t make you crave more. Keep in mind that when comparing homemade desserts to catered desserts, it’s not even worth cheating. I have yet to taste a dessert on Pesach that is better than homemade. Don’t let your progress go to waste.

MAKE A REQUEST:

Ask your server to bring you fruit for dessert instead of the dessert that is being served. Most hotels are happy to accommodate. Some even offer additional food options such as salt-free, sugar-free, fatfree, dietetic, etc. All you have to do is ask.

PESACH IS ONLY ONE WEEK:

Whether you have been on the plan for months or only a couple of weeks, don’t ruin your hard work over one holiday. It is so much harder to get back into it once you’ve stopped. Remember that Pesach is so much more than just food. Focus on the “non-food” meaning of the holiday and spending time with your loved ones.

LIMIT TABLE TIME DURING MEALS:

TREAT THE BUFFET AS A VISUAL MENU:

ONLY ORDER WHAT YOU NEED:

START EVERY DAY WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST:

Simply said, eat and be done. Do not linger around. Go to the lobby or to a nearby sitting area to continue conversations elsewhere.

The waiter usually brings over a sheet listing all the appetizers, main dishes, etc. As opposed to buffet or familystyle dinners, this actually is helpful because if you do not ask for it, it will not be there.

BRING A SCALE:

Just as in a restaurant you cannot order or sample everything on the menu, the same applies here: Take a look and then make a choice.

This means a protein (yogurt, omelet, etc.) and a fruit or vegetable. You can also add a little starch such as half a matzah. If you start your day with sugar or junk food, your blood sugar will not be steady and you will find yourself craving more sugar throughout the day.

I am contradicting myself here because you may have read my “anti-scale” article where I recommend weighing yourself only once a week. However, I find it helpful to check in with the scale between Yom Tov days just to see how you are doing.

Tanya Rosen is the founder and owner of Nutrition by Tanya, with 12 locations throughout New York, New Jersey and Israel. Tanya is also the creator of the TAP (Tanyaapproved products) food line sold in all major supermarkets throughout the U.S., which includes pastries, meals, kugels and more, all healthy, of course. In addition, Tanya has published two cookbooks, multiple workout DVDs, and is a regular columnist for many popular Jewish magazines. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and five children.

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Easy Pesach Tips By Leah Setton

esach is definitely one of the times of year I have to get creative about what I’m cooking. I actually love the challenge since it kind of forces you to focus on things you normally wouldn’t during the year. The first year of corona was actually my first time making Pesach. I absolutely fell in love with the challenge of cooking and putting together beautiful meal after meal with limited ingredients and seeing how diverse everything came out. Enjoy and happy Pesach.

1. PREP

• Freeze in airtight containers. If freezing in a tin, first wrap it in cling wrap and then silver foil. • All proteins freeze well, so make these in advance. • Potatoes don’t freeze so well. Cooked veggies freeze well if you don’t need them crunchy.

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• Make hash browns by boiling potatoes until tender and then cube. Add to a pan sizzling with olive oil and toss with a drop of ketchup, garlic, salt, pepper, and paprika. Delish! I like to serve this as the potato at the meal topped with pulled beef. Cubing after boiling makes cutting so much easier. • Find easy baking recipes online that call for nut flours. Aside from being healthier, they taste better since this is how the recipe was intended to be. • Use almond flour to dredge your chicken with instead of flour. •

• The freezer is your best friend: When cooking for the first days, double and just change up the way you serve it as well as your sides. No one will ever know and you will feel so relaxed.

2 . SERVE

Jazz up a kugel recipe by swapping out the blade so it looks and has a different texture. • Mix some dried fruit with a bit of melted chocolate and freeze for a delicious treat. • Make yourself an ice cream using fruit juice for a low-calorie treat.

3. CLEANUP TIPS • ALWAYS start with a clean kitchen. • Clean up as you go! I keep Bounty and a spray bottle of Windex on hand so if anything spills it gets cleaned right away. • If I'm cooking or baking multiple items, I take a dishes break after each one I bake because a small mess turns into a big mess! • Buy the disposable cutting boards: LIFE SAVER.

I’m Leah Setton. I love to cook, especially for a crowd, and entertain. My philosophy is that the kitchen should be a fun place with a relaxing vibe. That’s why I am always coming up with new ideas to get you more comfortable in the kitchen! When I’m not cooking I’m either hanging out with my two children or preparing high school math. I’m so excited to be sharing kitchen tips and tricks!

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FOOD FOR T H O U G H T

Avoiding Emotional Food Traps on Pesach By Naomi Joseph

everal weeks ago, Tanya recommended a book on our staff chat that she felt would help our team better understand our clients’ struggles, particularly those who struggle with emotional eating. I bought the book on Amazon and had it a day later. That night I stayed up until 4 a.m. reading, laughing, and crying as I absorbed every word. Each word was written from the heart, and by the time I was finished reading not only did I feel like I knew and understood the author, but I felt like she knew me. I almost felt like I had a new friend. I decided to try my luck getting in touch with Naomi, the author. I was curious to find out if she was as warm, real, and relatable as she came across in her book, and hoped that she would write for the magazine. Naomi did not disappoint. She responded within 24 hours, immediately agreed to write for us, and has since then become an actual friend, not just an imagined one! Naomi is warm, genuine, positive, and kind, and is on a mission to help women realize their beauty and self worth. Keep your eye on this column as we explore topics of self care, loving ourselves, and knowing our worth. We are honored to have her on board!

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Basya 18

I love Pesach. While I understand that statement may provoke an avalanche of eyerolls from those who prepare for this laborintensive chag, I just can’t help it. The gathering of family, preparing decadent chametz-free meals with my children from the latest cookbooks, and having designated time to reflect on the freedoms we feel pulled to invite into our lives are the top three experiences I look forward to. But ironically, those elements of chag are the very same ones that have sent me spiraling out of control with food, regressing into the role I played in my family dynamic growing up, and muddying the path toward the freedoms I’ve so desperately worked for. Even if I’m steadfast in healthy habits, my family's arrival will somehow obscure my path. Before you know it I’m eyeball deep in a can of macaroons, and the grown woman I’ve become has been replaced by the eight-year-old me. Does this sound familiar to you? If so, know that you’re hardly alone. Approaching this chag without preparing to be in integrity with our highest selves is a complete set-up. It will throw you out of alignment with your soul and into Tuesday of next week in a heartbeat. The objective in this situation is to become aware of our pasts, how we responded as children, and adjusting those messages to fit our adult lives. I grew up the youngest, and the heaviest, in a “sisters-only” family. I had two nicknames: “Baby” and “Fatty.” As you can imagine, I felt a lot of pressure to prove my worth and to do what I perceived others expected of me. As a result, family gatherings channel the coping mechanisms of the child of my past. Habits like using food to comfort and soothe my nerves as I work toward the approval of others reappear with a vengeance. And by the time Pesach is over, my mind and body are back in the cookies. It takes Herculean strength to right my haphazardly upended relationship with food. And by the time I

do, the bathing suit season already upon me looks a lot bleaker than it did before Pesach commenced. Believe me when I tell you that it would be so much easier to point out my family's flaws and blame them for the countless pans full of matzah brei I shoved down my throat. But I have found that taking responsibility for the part we play in the family dynamic, and giving forgiveness to those who did their best with the tools they had, allows us to make connecting on a deeper level with our families as adults much more fulfilling. As youngsters we are amazing observers, but not so fabulous at interpreting what we observed. We accept those perceived messages as our identity and bring them with us into adulthood when they were not even our burden to carry in the first place. Realizing that we ourselves conditioned our responses within the family makeup is powerful because we then have the ability to un-condition ourselves and recreate a different story in its place, instead of remaining powerless victims to the past. Now that’s freedom. So before your Pesach company arrives, write your new story while understanding that it’s not your family's responsibility to comply, but it is your responsibility to stand unwavering in your light. Hashem has put each of us on this earth for a unique purpose, and overcoming the messages of the past is our shared hurdle. Lean into your greatness and decide who you will be this Pesach and forevermore.

A confessed binge eater for most of her life, Naomi Joseph received a Master of Science from Columbia University in Speech and Language Pathology, and ironically went on to have a 24-year career treating children with feeding and swallowing disorders. Naomi is the author of “Binge and Sprint: From Endless Cake to Recovery,” which chronicles her 40-year journey through binge eating disorder and recovery within the frum community, and has a corresponding workbook coming out later this year. As a thriving and seasoned entrepreneur with a health and wellness network marketing company, Naomi continues to work tirelessly to help others find their best, healthiest lives, and grow businesses of their own. Naomi has been married to her husband, Alex (Mario Alexis, yes, Jewish from Argentina), since 1992. They shared the bond of both having been the “chubby kid” on their first date, and reside in Long Island with their three children. She can be reached through her website BingeAndSprint. com or Instagram @BingeAndSprint.

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Let’s Get Cooking!

For more great recipes, check out Tanya's cookbooks in your local Judaica store or on our website www.nutritionbytanya.com.

As the saying goes, families that eat together stay together. But sometimes we get stuck trying to find recipes that are both delicious and nutritious. This recipe section will present recipes that are easy to make, healthy and designed to please even your pickiest eaters. So let’s get cooking! Try out the following recipes featured from Tanya's cookbooks!

Roasted Root Vegetable Soup INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • • • • •

2 sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped to 1-inch pieces 3 parsnips, peeled and diced 2 carrots, peeled and diced 1 small celery root, peeled and diced 1 medium rutabaga, peeled and diced 1 cup almond milk (optional) 5-6 cups water or more, to reach desired consistency 1½ teaspoons salt ¼ teaspoon fresh or dried minced rosemary ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional) 1 tablespoon honey

Crispy Parsley Garnish • •

Half a bunch of parsley Cooking spray

DIRECTIONS (FOR SOUP) 1. 2.

3. 4.

Preheat oven to 400°F. Line two cookie sheets with parchment paper and spray generously with cooking spray. On one cookie sheet, place the diced carrots and parsnips. On the other cookie sheet place the sweet potatoes, celery root, and rutabaga. Place both sheets in the oven and roast vegetables until tender, about 45 minutes. The sheet with the carrots may be done first, so check once in a while. When all the vegetables have finished roasting, remove them from the oven and carefully transfer to a blender or food processor. Add the remaining ingredients and process until smooth and very velvety.

DIRECTIONS (FOR GARNISH) 1. 2.

Clean and shred parsley. Heat a skillet and spray with cooking spray. Let parsley crisp in the pan until desired level of crispiness—but keep an eye on it since it burns easily!

TO SERVE Ladle soup into bowls and sprinkle with the crispy parsley. Add a sprinkle of cinnamon or cayenne for extra color.

YIELD: 6 Servings

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Chicken “Matzah” Balls (FOR SOUP OR ALONE)

INGREDIENTS

DIRECTIONS

•

• • • • •

½ small zucchini, peeled and cut into chunks ½ small onion, peeled and cut into chunks ¾ teaspoon kosher salt 1 pinch coarse black pepper 2 egg whites ½ pound ground chicken breast

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Combine the zucchini, onion, salt, pepper, and egg. Process in a food processor until smooth and transfer to a medium bowl. Add the chicken and mix until well combined and sticky. Place the batter into the freezer for 15 minutes to make it easier to handle. Fill a 4-quart pot with water and salt and bring to a boil. Working quickly with wet hands, use the batter to form small balls and drop them into the pot to simmer for about 20 minutes. *They are fluffiest when eaten fresh. You may prepare the batter in advance and cook it on Yom Tov right before serving. Makes 3 servings.

Yummy Veggie Kugel INGREDIENTS • • •

1 32-ounce bag frozen vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, or squash) 3 egg whites, beaten 2 tablespoons chicken soup consommé

DIRECTIONS 1. 2.

Preheat oven to 375°F. Cook vegetables in a little bit of water (approximately ¾ cup) until softened. Drain vegetables and mash with a masher or fork. Add in egg whites and consomme powder. Mix well and pour into a 9x13-inch disposable pan and bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour until golden on top.

YIELD: 4 Servings

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Red Wine London Broil INGREDIENTS • • • • •

2 pounds London broil 2 cups red wine 4 cloves garlic, minced 1 teaspoon salt 1-2 tablespoons olive oil

DIRECTIONS 1.

2. 3.

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Pour wine into a saucepan and set over medium/low heat. Cook until reduced to about 1⁄2 cup. Let cool, then add garlic, salt, and oil. Using a meat tenderizer, poke holes on both sides of the meat. Place in a Ziploc bag. Add marinade to meat in bag and shake it a little to make sure the marinade touches the meat. Refrigerate overnight. Set grill or grill pan to high heat until hot. Grill for 4-5 minutes on each side. Let meat rest for 10 minutes. Slice and serve.

YIELD: 6 Servings

By Tali Chobara

reach to the little joys of life? Hear me out. You are going to take that snack bag, melted chocolate bar, pizza, etc., but not at this minute. Wait even just five minutes for the snack. It’s all yours; no one is taking it away from you. But you’ll see what many have experienced. When doing this, you’ll A) enjoy the snack so much better because you worked hard and waited for it, and B) you’ll snack less. This helps you take control over your emotions. The desire to snack decreases the more time you wait. Were you reading till now and thinking, What should I do? I’m just the type who likes to snack. No reason why. I just always end up finding a snack in

er spe c

From

tive

How E

o nq C u to tiona o m ki n l c g a Sn a tee

p s n’

my hand, having no idea how it got there in the first place! Well, I can tell you this: You’re not alone. Obviously, it’s best to not snack too much, but if snacking is your specialty, then try this trick. Keep “free” foods around you. This can be cut-up veggies like baby carrots, cucumbers, and peppers, or fruits like berries, an apple, or frozen grapes. Even lowcalorie healthy snacks like popcorn can be a good suggestion. Having these around at the time your snacking needs kick in will definitely help you snack smarter. Better yet, have these foods prepared before you have the desire to snack. Prepare ahead of time the baby carrots, cut the cucumbers, and wash the berries, etc. You and I both know that when it comes snack time, you will most likely not be willing to spend time

You know what I’m talking about: Around 3-4 o’clock you meander to your pantry, ready to start your snacking adventure.

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Do I take the nacho chips? Maybe the popcorn is good. Nah, I feel my sweet tooth urging for the chocolate bar. You know what? Let me just grab them all. I’d assume this is what goes on by many readers. Unsurprisingly, I also have this urge. But after loads of failed attempts, I want to share my top successful tips to be able to conquer emotional snacking. Try even one or two and you’ll be a healthy snacking queen! In life, patience gets you places. This applies to snacks as well. I strongly suggest delaying the time when you feel the need to reach out for a snack. Let me explain. There are those times during the day that you’re either pulling a snack bag from your knapsack, digging for the semi-melted chocolate bar that’s way deep in your purse, or reaching for just one more slice of pizza from the buffet table… Before you do this, stop! I know! I know! How in the world can I cease your

preparing a healthy one. Fail to prepare and you prepare to fail. Food is just so yummy—it is! I would never deny that. The fact that it’s so good makes it so hard for us to stop eating. Even after we ate a full meal! So the next tip on the agenda is: When it comes to meals, let’s do our bodies a favor and not eat when we’re feeling full. Sounds like a very intellectual concept, but really it’s as simple as only eating when you’re hungry. This may be a daring request, but to start off, try not to eat right after you’ve had a meal. Give your stomach some time

to digest all the goodness. However, if you are urging for something to chew on, now would be a good time to have “free” foods we mentioned before. If you’re really needing a snack, better to make it a healthy one. At this time, the best way to avoid snacking extra after a meal is to move out of the kitchen/dining room when you’re done eating! You want to move away from the source of food, as to not have it as a temptation right before you. I suggest brushing your teeth right after eating; the lingering minty flavor will discourage you from eating anything else.

Tali is a young teen from Brooklyn. She loves living a healthy lifestyle, and even more so, helping others live a healthy lifestyle. Tali mainly achieves that through her website, havewillpower.com, which includes many healthy swaps, nutritious tasty snacks, fun quizzes that’ll give you a better understanding about ingredients and nutrition facts and much more! To contact Tali, email hi.havewillpower@gmail.com. Let’s make the world a healthier place, one snack at a time!

Winter Issue

My Afikoman Gift

The afikoman gift, then, is a symbol that reminds us of how important the mitzvah of eating the matzah is, and how important the Seder is to

the continuity of our traditions. It is so important that the father is willing to “buy” it back with a gift! Because as Jews, our mitzvos and our mesorah are our priority; this is what we value. As adults, we are often given gifts from Hashem in many different forms. If we take a moment to appreciate the gifts and to use them as a reminder of our values and priorities, we have tapped into the meaning behind the afikoman. In the coming pages we will read firsthand experiences of women who were given a gift that helped remind them of their true values and priorities.

Photo courtesy of Breaking Matzo

When we think about afikoman gifts we usually think about the presents we buy for our children. But let’s take a moment to think about the root of the word and the source for these gifts. Some of us have a minhag that the children in the home attempt to steal the afikoman during the meal, while in other traditions the leader of the Seder hides the afikoman from the children. In both traditions, the leader attempts to redeem the afikoman from the children, often in exchange for a small gift.

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My Afikoman Gift

healthy bodies My Afikoman Gift

Our Pre-Pesach Scare By Estee Cohen

When I knew I was expecting a girl after two boys I was delighted. Out of the blue, with no warning, I went into labor a month early. We were very fortunate that she already weighed almost 7 pounds, and we were blessed that she had no health issues and did not have to stay in the NICU. The nurses told us that at 36 weeks some babies were just fine and others needed extra care, so we brought her home from the hospital feeling extra grateful. Our boys were five and two years old and life was busy, but as an experienced mom I thought I knew how to take care of a baby without any surprises. Five days before Pesach, when Leah was ten weeks old, I noticed she had a little cold. This was years before COVID so we weren’t alarmed, and besides, we were calm parents who didn’t scare easily. She also developed a cough, but I continued getting ready for Pesach and was not overly concerned. By the third day of her “cold” things took a turn for the worse: Leah suddenly seemed weak and drowsy and skipped a feeding, but had no fever or other symptoms. She just seemed more lethargic than her usual smiley self.

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I decided to call her doctor just to be cautious, and after I described her symptoms, the office secretary said, “Get in the car and come here right now.” Leah seemed to get weaker and sleepier by the moment, and by the time we got to the doctor’s office her oxygen level was hovering at 69-70% (it’s supposed to be over 95%!). Things seemed to be spiraling out of control more quickly than I could

wrap my mind around. Suddenly we were swept up in a whirlwind of doctors, nurses, tubes, and procedures, all thoughts of Pesach preparations completely forgotten. The doctor performed a deep suction, gave Leah oxygen, and she was taken to the PICU immediately by ambulance. She was diagnosed with RSV, a respiratory virus that is common and potentially life threatening in premature babies. Strangely, her distress was not obvious to us at all: Her skin was still a nice, healthy pink and it just seemed like she was sleepy with a cold and little cough. We had no idea that these symptoms in a young infant could be deadly. Slowly, miraculously, Leah recovered. Our pediatrician told us if we hadn’t brought her right then she would’ve passed away that day. I shudder to think that we could have easily put her down for a nap without comprehending how sick she was. Hashem put it into my head to double check with her pediatrician despite my usual laid-back attitude, which saved her just in time. It’s a decade later, and I tell everyone with a newborn to be aware of extra sleepiness or colds in babies under six months. I had never heard of RSV before we experienced it firsthand. She was released from the hospital four days later, on Erev Pesach, and was definitely the best afikoman present we could have dreamed of.

Estee Cohen has been in the recruiting industry for over a decade and has interviewed over 20,000 people and placed over 3,500 people in jobs from all sectors in over 300 companies. She is the CEO of California Job Shop, which is a thriving recruiting firm based in Los Angeles that handles permanent employee placements for companies throughout the US, not just in California. She has a master’s degree in educational administration, five amazing kids, a passion for science education and an addiction to aspartame. Follow her on Instagram.com/californiajobshop.

The Gift I Call Ema By Yael Ishakis

My mother passed away when I was 14 months old. It was hard times for my father who was running a business and had 8 young children in the home. My father is an only child and his parents passed away. He had no help. His first order of business was to get his nanny he had when he was a child and beg her to come to America and live with us. Bebe as we fondly called her reluctantly left Jamaica to come to a full household of children. The age range was 16 (my oldest sister) and me the baby. My father took me everywhere he went. To work, and even on dates. It was Pesach time when he was introduced to his second wife, to the lady I called Ema and the only mother I knew. When I was a little older I asked Ema, “why did you marry a man with so many kids? It must have been so hard”

She answered me, when my father came on a date, she saw a big hole in my tights. And she realized us kids needed a Mother. So our afikomen present was a new mother. Ema raised all of us in a loving way. She was warm and devoted. My father had four more children and we became one big family. After us kids grew up Ema opened up a wonderful organization which she gave to us, her children as her legacy. The Yehuda Memorial Center was created out of necessity as in Emas' last days in the hospital when she was in hospitals and there was a lack of resources for visitors in terms of kosher food, place to Daven so she tirelessly worked to open hospitality rooms. Currently Yehuda Memorial runs 12 hospitality rooms, including Montefiore, Mount Sinai, Beth Israel, North Shore LIJ, two in Florida, Duke University amongst others. It’s an absolute honor to bring my kids to help clean and restock the rooms and the legacy to give to others lives with me and my siblings. There are many ways to learn something. Some people have to learn from bad behavior and say that’s something I’ll never do. I was privileged to learn leadership, giving and warmth from a live person.

Yael Ishakis is the vice president and branch manager of FM Home Loans. Yael has made it her mission to provide mortgage financing to all her clients from their first home to their investment building and entire portfolio. Yael is a frequent speaker on mortgage-related issues, and her book “The Complete Guide to Purchasing a Home” is already on its third printing cycle. When not in the office, Yael enjoys tennis and is a voracious reader. To reach Yael, email yishakis@fmm.com or call her cell phone at 845-548-9075.

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My Afikoman Gift

Pesach, Pizza, and Personal Growth By Elana Mizrahi

I love Pesach. Yes, you read that correctly. I love Pesach. Why? I have some good reasons: I was engaged Erev Pesach. My first son was born on Shevii Shel Pesach. My third was born three days before Pesach. We therefore had his bris on Pesach, and our first son’s bar mitzvah was obviously on Pesach. My fifth child’s labor began on Isru Chag of Pesach. Should I go on? Yes, Pesach for me has been a time of many, many blessings. All of these events were miraculous and stories of seeing the Hand of G-d. They were huge events in my life that transformed me: the transformation of a single woman to kallah and a woman to mother. So yes, for me and my family Pesach is an incredibly joyous, blessed time of the year, but something else happened to me on Pesach that really is the root of why I can say with a full and sincere heart that I love Pesach, and that for me Pesach is a miraculous time of the year. Let me first describe to you the Passovers of my youth, which were, well, somewhat uneventful. There weren’t any trips or family outings. I don’t remember ever getting new clothes or presents Pesach time. There probably was family fighting, as that was the norm. I remember the Seders of my childhood, which were mostly, by the end at least, me sitting with my father and his big green Haggadah at the table alone—as by then my mother and brother had left the Seder to watch TV in their rooms. No guests, no being a guest, no extended family. The story of my childhood: alone.

Spring Issue

It was a time when I would stand out among my upperclass non-Jewish peers. Why? Well, for one, when I was a child we never ate out in restaurants or in anyone’s house during Pesach. Why? I have no logical answer except to say that there is something about Pesach—no?—that is at the heart of every Jewish soul. I remember bringing

matzah with cream cheese, matzah with butter or matzah with salami sandwiches to school. Funny how I loved those sandwiches even though they looked weird. Fast forward to when I was fourteen and it was the end of my freshman year. I made the cheerleading team, and to celebrate, older cheerleaders took us out to pizza. No problem except for one. It was Passover. Remember, on Passover my family tradition was not to eat in a treif restaurant. There I was, a teenager surrounded by the popular girls. After years and years of being teased and put down I was in some way a part of this group. Can you imagine the pressure? The dilemma? The pizzas were put before me, and to touch them I knew I couldn’t. I ordered a salad and ate alongside them. After I went home, I felt terrible. Not because I would be punished. Not because it wasn’t human, or given my circumstances something that anyone might do, but I felt such sadness in the deepest part of my soul that said, “Why aren’t you being you?” And that was the greatest afikoman present Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave me, an uncomfortable, sad feeling that became a catalyst to the beginning of my journey to self-discovery. The beginning to leading a life that at its core is a process of being true and connected. To whom? To myself, to Hashem, to my soul. Pesach, the holiday of redemption, the holiday of transformation, is not just a holiday about the celebration of our nation leaving slavery from Egypt. It also celebrates and opens doors to being ourselves, our true selves. It’s an auspiciously miraculous, transformative time of the year, where a person can throw off their chains of disconnection and of being a slave to anything but their true self. And there is no greater gift, no better taste to have left over, than the feeling of “I am being true to my soul.”

Elana Mizrahi is passionate about helping Jewish women to connect: to connect to Hashem, to themselves and to each other. She is a mentor, published author, writer and lecturer. In addition to teaching, Elana also specializes in women’s health, infertility, prenatal and postpartum care, postpartum depression, birth and fertility-related trauma, anxiety and works as a doula, birth educator, women’s health care practitioner, parenting coach, shalom bayis coach, reflexologist and massage therapist. She teaches parenting classes (chinuch banim) and shalom bayit classes. Elana brings Torah into her healing practice and healing into her Torah classes. Originally from the Bay Area, California, and a graduate of Stanford University, she lives in Jerusalem with her husband and precious children. Elana speaks Spanish and Hebrew fluently and has a blog on the parsha as well as a WhatsApp group called “Inner Connections” that strives to bring Hashem into our everyday lives. Elana can be reached at elanamizrahi@gmail.com, or to view her website, please visit www.elanamizrahi.com.

Hungry Eyes By Goldie Young

Being young and underprivileged is something I will always struggle with. Experiencing hunger, lack of clothing, and a place to sleep will forever gnaw at me. Although I am safe now as an adult, these realities are now part of the fabric of my being. Being young and underprivileged is something I will always struggle with. Experiencing hunger, lack of clothing, and a place to sleep will forever gnaw at me. Although I am safe now as an adult, these realities are now part of the fabric of my being. Being a young girl close to poverty, I promised myself that I will work my hardest to get out and get an education so that my children never have to go through what I did as a child. Here is an example of one way I did it. And it was the best afikoman present ever. When I was a young girl, my mother used to take us on trips every Sunday. She is obsessed with culture and music, and off we trekked, my little brother, my mother, and me, to New York City so she could experience all that for free. It all had to be free because we could not pay the actual cost of the museums and halls as well as the trip there. Here is how it worked. To get on the subway from Queens to Manhattan we children would scramble under the turnstile as my mother paid for her ride. Three dollars saved. We then would arrive in the city and walk as long as it took to get to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We could not afford the bus or, G-d forbid, a taxi. The museum cost a lot of money so we had to be super sneaky at this point. There was a different color button for each day. All we had to do was figure out

what color was on Sunday and find a button for each of us on the floor, since the patrons so easily just dropped it there after they were done. Once the right color was found, we walked into the cavernous structure. The children’s program (also free) was boring. And although I was a budding artist, these were not real lessons. Just lessons in history and art. This, I said to myself, I would never do to my kids either. After this our trip continued to Midtown, but we took Central Park (free) as the scenic route. As we passed the big hill, the huge rocks, the lake, and the Alice in Wonderland structure we got more tired with every step. At this point my mother would hand us a cold hot dog she made at home. Restaurants were too frilly for our life. And then toward the end of the park we would begin to pass the zoo. As I watched all the children enter in glee, all I was allowed to do was stand on the outside looking in, never seeing much because of the way the zoo was built. Only the ones who paid were privileged to see all the cool animals. I will never forget the feeling of deprivation at that point of the walk. It wasn’t the button or the free ride. It wasn’t the boats or the cold hot dog. It was always the Central Park Zoo that got me. And I took that feeling with me into motherhood. I got an education. I got married and had children. Always busy, always working hard, and always there for

Goldie Young is a teacher and writer and lives in New York. She is also a wife and mom to three beautiful children. Goldie can be reached through the magazine for comments.

my kids, providing them with more than just basic needs. Chol Hamoed trips were no exception! It was Chol Hamoed Pesach and plans were being made about where to go. My little boys had a lot of energy so we had to think outdoors, fun, and engaging. A memory popped into my head: Central Park Zoo; I had yet to enter the gates of that magical place from my childhood. And so we went. We drove there and parked (no need for a train or running under the turnstile). The weather was beautiful and my boys were wearing their matching Chol Hamoed sweaters. We went to get tickets and I was finally able to enter this place of my dreams. My kids loved the seals and the monkeys and the tigers and the bears. They thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the trip. The look in their eyes was the best afikoman present I ever received. The feeling in my heart said I made it! Afterward we went to FAO Schwartz. My mother used to take us there as if it were a museum: Look but don’t touch and definitely don’t buy. When I took my boys all the years later I allowed each one to pick out a toy for themselves as a memory of our trip. It might seem like a silly trip to most people, but to me it was symbolic of coming full circle. It was fun for my kids, but also it filled my inner child. I wasn’t hungry anymore, I wasn’t deprived. I was finally privileged and full of life. Thank You, Hashem.

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My Afikoman Gift

The Real Afikoman Present By Deena Schwartz

My afikoman gift was given to me in April of 2014. It was a typical erev Pesach rush - shopping, making lists, cooking, cleaning, making lists, and more lists… you get the idea. My son had been complaining of a rash on his legs for a few days. I was hoping it would resolve on its own so that I don’t have to squeeze in yet another errand/appointment, but when it wasn’t resolving I knew we had to go check it out.

Spring Issue

After an endless wait in the waiting room, the doctor finally took us in. At the time I mostly wore sheitels with bangs. Being 8.5 months pregnant and sitting in a stuffy waiting room, I felt sweat under my bangs, so I reached up to wipe it off.

for years and had never seen him have any sort of reaction. He was as monotonous and as expressionless as they get. This reaction for him was so unusual that it was almost comical. I explained that it’s just a small little mark or dot that I’ve had for a while, and I never thought much of it except for when I wore a different wig that didn’t have bangs, and aesthetically it just wasn’t pretty. The thought of checking it out did cross my mind a few times, but as busy (and working) mothers go, I kinda forgot about it and didn’t schedule anything. I was only accidentally showing this to him because I was there for my son’s issue.

That’s when I saw the doctor’s horrid facial expression. He literally dropped the tool he was holding to examine my son and asked me in a low and scary-sounding tone: “What is that on your forehead???”

The doctor sent my son out of my room and told me very seriously that he’s taking a biopsy just to confirm, but he has no doubt that it’s skin cancer.

I remember stifling a laugh. I knew this doctor

Maybe I would have wanted my own mommy

No one prepares you for this.

there instead of being the mommy, hearing this with my son right outside wondering what’s going on. The doctor repeated this again even louder, making it more likely for my son to overhear. I’m sure he thought I didn't hear him because I literally couldn’t speak, and just stared at him in shock. I don’t recall details of what happened next, but I know he took a piece of my skin off to send to the lab. He told me he’s putting a rush on it and I should make sure to clear my schedule as it will be cancerous and I will need surgery to remove it, this week. I tried asking for an extension or an exception; I had so much to do before the Pesach, remember? Obviously, there were no extensions or exceptions to be made. I then reminded him that I’m almost nine months pregnant. Shouldn’t that mean that this could wait? To which he coldly and bluntly replied, “Do you want to live to raise this baby?” I left the office in a daze. I was alternating between calming myself down and calming down my confused son and instructing him not to repeat any of this to his siblings. The next few days I waited anxiously for the call with the biopsy results. In hindsight I’m happy that it took a few days to get the results because it gave me a few days of a major eye-opener on life. Suddenly, all the things that seemed so important before just didn’t matter as much anymore. Should I buy my Pesach wardrobe in Brooklyn or just do it online? Who cares… Which shade of socks goes better with my daughter's outfit - the lighter tan or darker tan? Who cares… Should we invite guests for the first Seder? Or maybe it’s nicer just with family? Who cares… All that mattered was…being okay! The doctor called three (very long but also very insightful) days later, and in his usual no-nonsense (read: no bedside) manner said, “I was right. It’s cancerous and it’s an emergency to remove it

NOW. When can you be here?” I canceled my clients for the rest of the day, put my never ending lists aside, arranged babysitting for my kids, and drove over to the office. I remember thinking that I’m never going to complain about routine visits there (or anywhere) anymore. The procedure itself was mostly painless as I was under partial anesthesia. More painful was hearing his berating speech of how irresponsible I was and what could have happened if not for him and his amazing eye and skill. I was instructed to never leave the house without sunblock, even in the winter, and to come for check-ups once a year. I learned a few very important lessons after this episode: Never ignore anything. It’s best to check it out rather than to ignore it. As moms we always put our kids’ needs first, but more than anything they need a healthy mommy, so “fargin” yourself the time it takes to take care of yourself. What seems so urgent and important can change in a minute depending on what else is going on. It’s good to be busy with trivial things because it means life is normal, but it’s also important to have the right perspective of what really is important. A doctor can be knowledgeable and nice. While I appreciate this doctor’s keen eye and skill, the whole experience would have been so much less traumatic with a more sensitive doctor. Honesty is always the best policy with my kids. Because I was so secretive about it, my kids thought it was a lot worse than it was. I learned to be open and honest with them so they don’t assume things. As we sat down to our beautiful Pesach seder (with guests!) I looked around and recognized my personal Afikoman present. A gift from Hashem, the gift of life. P.S. Get your Pesach Wardrobe in Brooklyn; nothing fits the way you think it will when you buy it online. And may that always be your biggest “issue.”

Deena Schwartz is a freelance writer who lives in New York.

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My Afikoman Gift

healthy bodies

F RO M T H E PE LVI C F LO O R PH YS I OT H E R A PI ST

6 Things You Wouldn’t Even Tell Your Best Friend By Dr. Tamar Ohana

1 2 3 4

Here’s a list of the top six: 1. You know the saying “I laughed so hard that I urinated myself”? Sure, leaking urine is common but it’s not normal. Not even a little and not a dribble, and especially not after giving birth. It means that the pelvic floor muscles are not doing their job. Good news: Pelvic physiotherapy can help train your body to stop leaking urine at unwanted times. 2. Physical intimacy should always be pleasurable and never painful or uncomfortable. Pain or discomfort during physical intimacy is the body’s way of signaling that something just isn’t right. Pushing through the discomfort can cause more pain by creating more tension in the muscles or nerves. Pelvic PT can help find the underlying cause.

Spring Issue

3. Not many people want to disclose their bathroom schedule, let alone describe their bathroom experiences, so here’s a heads up on what to look out for. A healthy bowel schedule is at a minimum four times weekly, if not daily. Bowels should be the consistency of a ripe banana. Lastly, healthy bowel habits include knees above hips and avoiding straining. You could accomplish this easily by using a “squatty potty” or step stool. We could talk about this for hours, but for now I’ll leave you with these tips!

4. Many women who carry a full-term pregnancy experience a separation of their abdominal muscles during pregnancy that could lead to core weakness, pelvic dysfunction, or abdominal discomfort. However, about 30% of the women “bounce back” and the other 60% could use guidance to build core strength. It’s okay to ask for help, especially after your body just went through so many changes over an extended period of time!

Have you ever experienced something so embarrassing that you kept it to yourself? Something so embarrassing that it prevented you from making an appointment with your provider? The kind of thing that you didn’t even want to tell your best friend? You know, the one you tell everything to? In this column we’re going to dive deep into the dos and don’ts, ins and outs, and find out what’s normal and what we really should be telling our providers— without having to tell our bestie.

5. Fear of tampons, gynecological exams, or physical intimacy is so common. Vaginismus is a psychosomatic condition where the pelvic muscles contract and do not release to allow for penetration. This does not have to be a permanent condition. The tissue is elastic and can expand by 200%! After all, it was created to birth a baby. There are so many ways to help release the tension in the pelvic floor. Reach out to your provider if this sounds familiar.

6. You may be surprised to hear that so many postpartum women describe having a feeling that “something is falling out of them” and they feel a “golf ball-sized pressure” on the rectum. Or you may not be surprised if you’ve felt this before. This is the main symptom of pelvic organ prolapse. Not to worry, with the right guidance you can live symptomfree and even have future pregnancies. Needless to say, there is no such thing as TMI with your pelvic physiotherapist!

Dr. Tamar Ohana, PT, DPT, is a pelvic floor physiotherapist and specializes in treating pelvic dysfunction without the use of medication, injections, or surgery. She absolutely loves what she does and gets so much enjoyment in being able to help people every day! You can find more info about all six topics on Instagram @alignpelvicphysio, and if you’d like to learn more submit your questions!

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healthy bodies

A N A R ROW PATH

My Weight Loss Journey Part 3

By Leeba Wein*

Recap: After struggling with weight loss and dieting for many years, I decide to proceed with weight loss surgery. The decision is not a light one, one that takes courage and dismissal of many preconceived notions, but I forge ahead.

I am about as ready as I’ll ever be. My freezer is stocked with small containers of chicken soup, my pantry and fridge contain Jell-O and Vitamin Water Zero, and we await Monday with trepidation and excitement. The Friday before surgery is a hectic one, with a few last items to wrap up. My COVID test, which must be back by Sunday, cannot be taken any earlier than Friday, and the lab is not promising a turnaround of less than 72 hours, which induces some anxiety, though there is nothing I can do about it but pray. I get a phone call from a coordinator at the hospital with all the instructions for the day of surgery. I learn that I am not allowed to be accompanied by anyone prior to surgery, though someone may come to visit once I am transferred to recovery. I freak out a bit. I cannot imagine going through with surgery and the anxious period beforehand without my husband supporting me. Alas, it is too late to back out, and I will need to deal with it as it is. Sunday is my first (and hardest) day on a liquid diet. My stomach is not yet smaller and is demanding its sustenance, but I subsist on chicken soup and Jell-O. My COVID results come back negative, baruch Hashem, and I am all set for the next day. I sleep well the night before surgery. And wake up with a pit in my stomach and

hope in my heart. I send my two girls off to school and daycare, and I pack a bag for myself. Of course, I pose for a “before” picture, one that I hope to reference in the future with pride at my accomplishments. Arriving at the hospital, I bid farewell to my husband, who plans to remain outside parked and FaceTime me, the closest thing I can have to having him accompany me. I get through all the paperwork, change into a hospital gown, speak to the doctor, and wait for hours. I daven, I say Tehillim, and I wait. While the prospect of surgery is daunting at any time, the fact that this is an elective surgery, yet one that will hopefully have great impact on my life, weighs on me. I know it is

not a quick fix, yet I know it is the right decision for me. Surgery was scheduled for 12 p.m. but they do not actually take me in until 3 p.m. Sometime during the wait they come to take my personal items, leaving me without my phone or my glasses. When I am still not taken in for surgery an hour later, I phone my husband from a hospital phone, just to reassure him that the surgery is not taking unexpectedly long; I simply haven’t started yet. I also relay instructions to the doctor and staff to contact my husband as soon as I am transferred into the recovery room so that he can finally come in. Finally, I am accompanied down the hallway to the operating room. It is quite daunting,

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especially not having clear vision and seeing a bunch of machinery and people swarming around me as I lie down on the hard bed. The anesthesiologist introduces himself and gets to work. I try to fight the sedation, a natural instinct, I assume, but soon it overtakes me and I sink into oblivion, placing my body under the doctor’s care and my trust in Hashem. I wake up what seems like minutes later in excruciating pain. My stomach is on fire, and while I am only semi-conscious, I moan and ask for painkillers, anything, to make it go away. “Of course it hurts, you just had surgery,” a curt voice on my side says. I clench my fists and bite my lips and pray for it to go away. I don’t know if they finally do give me something or I just drift back to sleep, but I flit in and out of consciousness for the next while. At some point I register that I am being moved, presumably to the recovery room. After what was probably a few minutes, my husband appears in my room. My head is very heavy and I cannot keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds. I give him a wan smile to acknowledge his presence, and drift back to sleep. I learn later that my husband had been pestering security about allowing him in, asking that the department be contacted about transferring me to recovery as visiting hours end by six p.m. Considering that I was taken in for surgery so late in the afternoon, I didn’t get transferred until right before six p.m., which still allowed him to come in. Thankfully, no one throws him out at six, and he ends up staying until about 11 p.m., when a nurse finally remembers that COVID regulations do not allow anyone to stay overnight.

Spring Issue

In my research prior to starting the process of sleeving, a lot of people had referred to the pain as “minimal,” “easier than a c-section,” “recovery was fast.” I have never

had a c-section, baruch Hashem, but I do know that the pain I am feeling is excruciating. Besides for the incisions, which are tiny yet still hurt, there is gas buildup in my chest cavity that is begging to be released and I cannot expel. When I am lying down, I am sure it will get better when I stand up, and when I stand up, gritting my teeth through the pain of the incisions, the relief I seek is not to be found. I will concur that the recovery is a quick one, and the severe pain doesn’t last more than a day or two. However, I cannot whitewash the pain I am in for those two days. Much later, someone tells me that simple GasX works wonders. At the time, all I am taking is Tylenol for the pain. I ask the doctor for a stronger medication, yet they inform me that protocol dictates that they no longer give any narcotics, which frustrates me as I am just waiting for something to take the pain away. I am discharged the next day, after proving I can take a tiny sip of water and hold it down. My diet for the rest of the week consists of tiny sips of water, a spoonful of chicken soup, and the occasional lick of lemon ices. I probably consume a total of 30 calories daily. Yet I’m not hungry! And as the gas pain subsides after two days, and the pain at the site of the incisions and my stomach are no longer as sharp, I marvel at my new and improved stomach, the one that is promising to be my friend instead of the enemy it has replaced. The one that will stop me from gorging on foods that are bad for me and letting me ruin every single plan of action I have ever made. This one will be safeguarding me from myself, guiding me into better eating habits, healthier foods, and, most importantly, a beautiful body. Time is indeed the best teacher, and I have some lessons yet to be learned.

Leeba Wein (a pen name*) is a freelance writer living in New York. For inquiries, she can be reached at leebawein@gmail.com.

A Bite of Balance by Basya Kovacs

2. Portion your plate: Your plate should have lots of salad or vegetables, one protein or a combination of two (half a burger and a small piece of grilled chicken), and a small amount of starch such as rice or a potato. Try to avoid buns unless it is daytime and they are whole wheat. PAS now makes a delicious thin bun that is whole wheat and only 100 calories. 3. Think time of day: Bread or buns are better eaten earlier in the day versus late at night. If the barbecue is taking place in the afternoon it’s okay to have one bun (see suggestion in above tip). However, if it’s in the evening, stick to a potato or rice, or skip your starch. An alternative to a starch can be an ear of corn or some grilled butternut squash since they both have a higher starch content than regular vegetables. 4. Great items to grill:

Dear Basya, Now that it is spring, we often have big barbecues for dinner. Do you have any tips or ideas for staying on track? I seem to overdo it every time we grill, despite my best intentions. Signed, Struggling in the Spring

Dear Struggling in the Spring, Here are some tips for staying on track during barbecue season: 1. Plan ahead: Think about what will be served and decide in advance what you plan to have, then stick to your plan. This is almost like a menu in your mind. If you do not know exactly and do not feel comfortable asking, you can plan general categories such as a plate of vegetables, one lean protein or half of a higher-fat protein such as a hot dog or red meat.

Peppers, large mushrooms, zucchini, tomatoes... These all taste great and look great on the grill. Make sure to include these on your menu. There is no need for oil. Use PAM spray and lots of spices. 5. Don’t forget the drinks menu: Make delicious ice-cold lemonade using Fresca, Crystal Light, or even just fresh lemon and sweetener. You can have some ice-cold diet soda in moderation as well. It is best to skip the beer, unless you have one light beer as your treat. Remind yourself that you don’t need to eat everything you see. You will likely be grilling again soon and will have the chance to choose different options!

Good luck staying on track,

Basya Basya Kovacs is one of Nutrition by Tanya’s beloved nutrition counselors. Having lost over 30 lbs. and keeping it off for ten years, Basya shares her balanced, practical approach to health and weight loss. To have your health and weight loss questions answered, please email us at info@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

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AS K T H E PH A R M AC I ST

UTI By Luba Surman-Hess

It’s Friday and you can’t reach your doctor. But the urgency, pain, and burning while urinating is so uncomfortable. You should make an appointment with your doctor as soon as possible, but what can you do to get some relief in the meantime? Here are a few options to consider:

At-home tests are available to detect a urinary tract infection (UTI). Don’t use during menstruation.

Spring Issue

Drinking lots of water helps flush out bacteria. Don’t hold in urine, as that would allow bacteria to grow in the urinary tract.

Although unproven, taking cranberry supplements and unsweetened cranberry juice (not cranberry juice cocktail) may have minimal benefit by preventing bacteria attaching to the urinary tract wall.

An over-the-counter pain reliever called Phenazopyridine (commonly under the brand name AZO), specifically designated for pain and discomfort from a urinary tract infection, may be used for temporary relief. This medication is used to only treat the pain associated with UTI but not cure it. Urine may appear discolored and may have a brown-orange tint (nothing to worry about, totally normal), and may stain contact lenses. Self-treatment should be limited to no more than two days. Phenazopyridine should be avoided in patients with kidney disease. Ask a medical professional before taking Phenazypiridine if you have any other medical conditions.

Make sure to consult your primary care physician for medical evaluation even if you are feeling better. If you are pregnant or breastfeeding and experiencing UTI symptoms make sure to contact your OB/GYN since over-the-counter products may not be safe.

Luba Surman-Hess is a mom to two amazing children and a practicing pharmacist for 15 years. She is excited to be part of this incredible community and share her knowledge, empowering all women to take better care of themselves and their families.

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A Lesson in the Clothing Store By Shoshi Gross

“Do you have to wear a shell under that dress?” That was the question the saleslady asked me. A standard question. A normal question. For most people. Not for me. For someone who chose and continues to choose tznius standards, this isn’t a regular question. It’s a loaded one. I know this was just a saleslady doing her job or making small talk, but I felt the need to answer it accurately. I said, “I don’t have to, I choose to.” I don’t know if she understood what I was saying but that’s not the point. That one simple question reminded me how so many things we do are choices. Sure, some may feel like obligations (feeding your kids dinner) and even second nature (brushing your teeth), but they’re all still a choice.

You choose to make your kids dinner

VERSUS Them having to eat cereal or make their own. You choose to brush your teeth

VERSUS Skip it and have bad breath or rotting teeth.

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Anyway, thank you to the saleslady who thought she was just asking a standard question. You gave me a great reminder about choices! I also chose not to get that amazing dress on sale simply because it was almost tznius but not quite, and I choose to role model better than that for my girls.

Shoshi Gross is a freelance writer who lives in Lakewood, NJ.

*Located in North Jersey

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Sunny Levi

Kicking and Punching to Spiritual Awakening By Sunny Levi

Recap:

After giving birth to their second child, Josh, who was born with a rare condition that caused blindness and severe mental disability, Sunny’s parents, former campus hippies and counterculture activists, started searching for healing. All the doctors had said nothing could be done. Sunny’s father remembered a news story he’d read about a Christain faith healer who had been known to cure the “incurable,” and he immediately made an appointment. When the reverend found out that his new patient’s parents were Jewish, he embraced them. “I get all my

A few years into my parents’ spiritual search, I entered the scene. To be blunt: no easy entrance. Forget the lady gets pregnant, everyone cheers, and mom coos to her baby-belly for nine months while gently stroking it with essential oils. It was more like…what if the baby is blind, deaf, and severely mentally delayed? And what if I carry another genetic disorder that I don't even know about? My mom’s pregnancy was wracked with ambivalence and fear.

Spring Issue

Amniocentesis confirmed that she was carrying a girl, which meant the baby would be spared, since Norrieh’s syndrome, being sex-linked, only strikes boys. This knowledge brought relief to my mom. But there was a problem: What if the new diagnostic tool got it wrong? What if it wasn’t a girl?

The thought of having another child like Josh was sporadically crushing. She anguished for months, never fully believing she was safe.

healing power from your Kabbalah,” he told them, to their shock and incomprehension. “You Jews had all the best wisdom. Then you threw it out.” After two years of visits to his home for treatments, the reverend proved unable to heal Josh. He did, however, open the eyes of Josh’s parents to a spiritual reality entirely new to them, and he inspired them to look into their own religion. A few years into their spiritual search, Sunny was born.

Upon delivery, she experienced the greatest joy as she held in her arms her healthy whopper of a daughter, an 8-pound ball of sunshine. Everyone was beyond thrilled, including the baby, who was finally free from that nerveracking, turbulent womb! Adam Montag, my oldest brother, came up with the name Sunny. My parents dug it, tacked on the name Jourdana, and a few months later, at a Reconstructionist congregation in Chicago, gave me my Hebrew name, Gila Ariella, or as I like to translate it: Roaring Lioness of God, with a Sunny disposition. Despite the happiness I brought to the family, I grew up in the shadow of Josh. Chaos, chronic noise, and never getting enough attention from my parents were the norm. Josh was wild, messy, and often out of control. It took years before I realized he was different, and when I finally did, I began to wonder why I, the younger one, was able to do things on my own, while my big brother still couldn't. Like, why couldn’t he talk in regular words, play games with

me, watch TV, put on his shoes, or take himself to the bathroom? My parents explained it, but I didn’t fully get it. All I knew was that he wasn’t what you would call “sick,” but he would never get better. Thinking about his life and his blindness, that he would never know what the sky, the swings, or even my parents’ faces looked like, made me extremely sad. I so badly ached for him to be normal. Knowing that I, my parents, and even the doctors couldn’t do anything to help him left me feeling helpless, hopeless, and powerless.

pulling, or biting. Meanwhile, still finding their way on their Jewish journey, my parents went from discovering Kabbalah with a Christian faith healer, to Reconstructionism and Jewish Renewal, to finding their place in Modern Orthodoxy. One of the side effects of their spiritual growth was an additional three siblings in the family, bringing us up to a total of six kids. The other side effect was being enrolled in a Jewish day school, where as early as kindergarten I began to learn about “Almighty G-d,” the power of prayer, and how deeply this G-d adores the prayers of children.

As I got a little older, anger and jealousy seeped into my emotional world.

“Hi, G-d,” I whispered, gung ho and ready for a miracle. “Since You created the world and everything in it, this is going to be simple for you. Will You pleeease make Josh normal? Please?! My parents will be so happy! And so will I. Thank You!” I went upstairs feeling heard and hopeful. I ran over to Josh to see if he had changed yet. No problem, I figured, G-d will do it later. For the next few days I continued to run to the basement after school to talk to G-d. When I saw no change, I altered my approach. “G-d, if You make Josh normal I promise to be good. I’ll keep all the mitzvot. I’ll be nice to my younger brother and sisters. Please, G-d, let Josh be able to see and talk like the rest of us. I know You can do anything, so PLEASE DO IT!”

Why does he get all of mom and dad’s attention? It’s not fair! Why does everything always revolve around him? He’s so annoying.

“G-d, me again. Are You listening to my prayers? Did You only do that in the olden days!? I’ve been so good. Are You mad at me? Can You hear me?”

I also felt guilty. Guilty for my anger toward him, and guilty for my good health. I’m such a bad person for not liking him. I could have been the blind and retarded one. I don’t even know why I’m able to see, speak, and think when he can’t. How did I get off the hook? And why?

When those prayers didn’t work, I leveled with Him. “G-d, I’m thinking this is fake, like the tooth fairy. If You’re real, and if You hear me, then please make my brother talk. Or at least make him not yell so much. If You don’t do it, I’ll know You aren’t real.”

I was plagued with survivor's guilt. And not too long after the guilt came the shame and embarrassment. Everywhere we go people stare at us; they think we’re freaks. I just wish he could control himself in public. I wish I were in a different family. I’m so embarrassed to be his sister. Why do we have to bring him with us outside the house?

Learning about G-d’s goodness and accessibility was an elixir for my heart and soul. Knowing there was a loving Creator Who brought everything into existence and still had time to listen to the prayers of regular people like me brought me hope.

The embarrassment got so bad that I stopped inviting friends over. I didn’t want the normal kids with normal siblings to see that sometimes my brother needed to be locked in his room like a wild animal in a cage; that sometimes he would dance barefoot in the toilet, unscrew door knobs, or climb to the top of the fridge. I especially didn’t want to subject them to his volcanic outbursts of pinching, hair

So with the wide-eyed innocence of a child who believes in magic, I went for it. At the age of six I dashed into the house after school, shot straight down the stairs to the basement, sat on my little rocking chair and began praying to G-d. This will be easy, I thought. I only have one thing to pray for.

Josh remained as blind, as noisy, and as speechless as ever, and I descended the staircase “to heaven” one last time. “That’s it, G-d. I’m mad at You. I don't know why You won’t do this one small favor for me and my family. I feel like You don’t care about us at all. I feel like You hate us, and like You hate me. I thought You were supposed to listen to children’s prayers but I guess it's not true. Or maybe You just won’t listen to mine. That’s not nice. I don’t believe in You anymore.” I sobbed in my rocking chair, alone, disillusioned, and defeated. Who could I trust now? I certainly couldn't trust G-d, nor could I trust the Jewish teachers who

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were peddling all those fairy tales. Soon after my falling-out with G-d, my mom was at the local park district and saw a flier for a children’s class. It said, in big bold letters, “DISCIPLINE, SELF CONTROL, RESPECT.” It was a martial arts class, something similar to karate. She had a feeling that it would be good for my little brother, Gabe, so she signed him up. A week later Gabe attended the first class, and in about ten minutes he knew he hated it. The strict rules, harsh commands, and “Yes, sirs!” reduced him to tears. He ran off the floor and into the arms of our mother, swearing he’d never go back to that horrible class. Unable to get a refund, my mom asked if any of the rest of us kids wanted to take over Gabe’s spot in the Tae Kwon Do class. There were no takers. Then, as if possessed by something outside myself, my arm shot up. “I’ll do it!” I said.

Spring Issue

I was eight years old.

And the following week I stepped “blindly” onto the mat for my first Tae Kwon Do lesson. I had no idea what it was or what I was in for. Everything about it was totally foregin to me. But that one class was all it took. I fell in love. And 35 years later I’m still going. In a sense, I have not stepped off that mat ever since, nor do I ever plan on it.

Sunny Levi is a mother of six, a seventh-degree black-belt taekwondo master, personal trainer, yoga and self-defense instructor, inspirational speaker, writer and teacher of personal prayer. In addition to teaching and coaching women and children both in person and online, Sunny also works as a martial arts therapist at Kids Kicking Cancer where she helps children with chronic illness overcome the fear and physical discomfort of their condition and treatment. Sunny is passionate about spreading emunah, eating clean, drinking green, hiking and talking to G-d. She and her family recently moved from Chicago to Scottsdale, Arizona. You can keep up with her on Instagram at @sunnyblackbelt or Facebook at Sunny Ariella Levi, or Sunny’s Martial Arts and Fitness.

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NU ME ROLO G Y & G EMSTO NE D ECO D E

Gemstone Therapy PART 3

By Atarah Malkah Silva

Many people stay away from crystal/gemstones, fearing that it stems from non-Jewish practices.

e don’t blame them; perhaps their first “exposure” had to do with a scene in a movie where a fortune-teller uses a crystal ball to predict the future. Or perhaps they think it’s “New Age,” seeing ads on social media on how to use crystals and gemstones for all sorts of things, and wonder if Judaism is okay with it. Gems and their uses are brought down many times throughout Tanach and the Talmud.

Spring Issue

The Talmud talks about a tekumah stone; a tekumah is translated as a stone that naturally had another stone within it, like a fetus in its mother’s womb (Mishnah Berurah 303:77). It was known to help prevent miscarriages. This stone is brought up in the Talmud, where it asks if a woman may carry this stone in the public domain on Shabbos (where carrying is not allowed in public). The Sages concluded that the pregnant woman may carry this stone to prevent a miscarriage even if she never miscarried before. (Source: Alternative Medicine in Halacha by Rabbi Rephoel Szmerla.)

In the Torah (Shemos 28:9-30), gemstones are mentioned as part of the attire of the kohen gadol, the High Priest, stating that two shoham (onyx) stones were placed on his shoulders, with six names of the tribes of Israel engraved on each stone. The verses continue with the choshen, the

breastplate that the kohen gadol wore; it had 12 gemstones, each stone representing a tribe in Israel, and these stones were set in gold. Rabbi Shimshon Chaim ben Nachman, the author of the sefer Zera Shimshon, shares this piece regarding wearing a shoham stone: Onyx bestows grace on the wearer. The wearer will be successful and wealth will be drawn to him. The shoham was the gemstone on the choshen, representing Yosef’s tribe. Yosef had chein, charisma/ charm, and his advice was listened to in the king’s palace. Rabbi Shimshon Chaim also shares that the jasper (it is believed to be the red kind, some say green) is connected to the tribe of Binyamin. The rabbi wrote it is good to wear the jasper gemstone when seeing a doctor, so the doctor may have siyata dishmaya (Heavenly guidance) in prescribing the proper medication/ treatment to the patient.

What Is Gemstone Therapy? Gemstone and crystal therapy is a holistic, non-invasive therapy that involves wearing or being around precious and semi-precious stones to improve physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It does not substitute a doctor’s advice and guidelines, and it is by no means to be used instead of prescribed medications and therapeutics. Gemstone therapy is intended to be used as a tool in conjunction with whatever one was told to do by a medical doctor or licensed therapist.

How Do Gemstones Work with a Person? We are all made up of energy, and our energy body is constantly vibrating at a specific frequency. Our bodies have different energy centers; some are connected to our spirituality and our emotions, while other centers are connected to our physical bodies. Our frequencies are high when all energy centers function at their optimum state. However, when any of our energy centers are not in alignment, which can occur for many reasons, such as grief or sadness, it shifts our energy and it vibrates at a lower frequency. Gemstones are primarily found in the earth’s crust. The formation of each gemstone is different, but the molecules always form in a structured way. Unlike humans, they do not experience life’s “ups and downs.” Therefore, they emit the same frequencies consistently, and these frequencies harmonize and heal imbalances in our energetic fields. Gemstones can restore your body to its natural state of harmony and balance with G-d’s help. A gemstone decode session is an intuitive process. Even those who are more right-brained and don’t rely so much on their intuition can see how they choose gemstones that offer a vibration or energy that the person needs. It is fascinating to see how we think we pick the stones because we like the color, or the shape of the stone is appealing, but in reality it’s the frequencies that the stone holds that our bodies want and intuitively gravitate toward it. The gemstones/crystals have their frequency that causes your body to correct its frequencies by matching the frequency it’s receiving from the gemstone. For example, there could be ten stones that can help one with trouble sleeping. However, the stones can have specific properties that can help identify if the cause of insomnia stems from anxiety or perhaps a lack of a particular vitamin or mineral in the body. Once a decode session is done, it can help identify which crystals can help with your symptoms. The process is straightforward, and if done in person, the practitioner lays out many different stones in front of the individual. For this to be an intuitive process and not have the results stem from logic, we ask the individual to pick the stones that “speak to them” and choose the ones that caught their attention first, all within a minute or two, and not to overthink it. If this is done virtually, a PDF with gemstones is sent to the client, and they send back the numbers next to the gems they liked. That easy! This process is enjoyable and easy for young children.

Their rock selection can help the parents figure out what is out of alignment when children may not fully express what is troubling them. About a year ago I had flaky and itchy skin, predominantly on my arms. I never had eczema or psoriasis before. I decided I’d take a bath with gemstones good for irritated skin. I had most of the gems at home but was missing a couple. I went to the crystal and gemstone store, was heading to the counter with my selection, and a copper pyramid (copper is a metal, but it too imparts its energies) caught my eye. It was small and cute, and I thought, “why not?” After making my purchase, I decided to look up what copper is good for. I was amazed. It said: “Copper can also help with collagen production and can encourage the system to overcome issues that lead to skin diseases and rashes.” I was amazed to see what I knew from my training that we always choose stones/crystals (in this case a metal) that our bodies need, not just because the color or shape is appealing. The most important thing to remember when working with gemstones, crystals, metals, or anything, for that matter—even food—is to remember that G-d created it and wants us to benefit from His world. The main thing is to attribute all the benefits from that item to G-d. Therefore we always tell our clients before they work with the gemstone to take a moment and say in their own words, “Thank You, Hashem, for creating this gemstone, and that this one is now in my possession. May this gemstone be your shaliach, messenger, through which I receive _____.” It is crucial to attribute any feeling, healing, or outcome to G-d. The gemstone on its own is just a stone, and we don’t want to, G-d forbid, treat it as a powerful entity. It just has the frequency that we want to extract, kind of like eating citrus fruits when we have a cold. Ultimately G-d is the one healing us, and we’re just making our hishtadlus, personal efforts, to keep our bodies healthy, as the Torah commanded us to (Devarim 4:15), “V’nishmartem me’od l’nafshoseichem.” Atarah Malkah Silva uses her faith and passion for coaching to dive down deep on what is happening in your life. As a certified life coach, a woman of Jewish faith, and a dedicated problem solver, Atarah loves bringing her clients clarity and direction so they can change their lives for the better! Atarah passionately teaches about emunah and bitachon. In addition to coaching, she also enjoys creating abstract art, numerology, and gemstone reports based on a Jewish perspective for her clients so they can better understand themselves. She can be reached through her website Jewishnumerology.com.

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Hidden Heroes By Goldie Young

here are so many things we can’t see when we look at people around us. Superficial aspects are easy to determine at a glance, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. The world underneath the looks and the outfits is a deep cave that could take years to uncover, even for the person himself. Let me tell you about my iceberg.

us, and we know it will forever be like that until 120. I often question why Hashem gave this particular struggle to me. Why put a neshamah in this world to live, when all you want is a stop to this torturous life? It seems like quite a juxtaposition and cruelty to do this to a bas or ben Yisrael who never asked for it. I have asked many

I have bipolar II disorder. You would never be able to tell, since it’s the lesser sibling of the actual scary bipolar I. I work, I raise my kids, I’m married, I dress to kill. I smile, I talk, I even laugh. It may look natural and easy on the outside, but on the inside each task is a battle and a war. Often there is no escape from the pain and the pain becomes a physical, real illness. I then have to retreat to the safety of my bed and stay there until the tide turns.

Spring Issue

In order for you to understand what mental illness is really like, I want to try and change your point of view. Mentally ill people are not nebach cases, they are not crazy, they are not here to bring you down. People who live with constant mental illness are heroes, brave, and the strongest ones you will ever meet. We may cry at night, but we soldier through the day. We may be dying inside, but we go on living.

I often compare this life to a person put into this world in deep waters and left to drown. But drowning is not an option so we paddle and paddle and paddle from morning till night. The hardest part is that there is no reprieve from this battle. It is constant, it sucks everything out of

poskim and rabbanim about this, people who are drenched in Torah knowledge, and they usually come up dry with answers. No one knows why. It’s just the way it is. The more prevalent mental illness became, the more lenient and understanding the rabbanim and poskim became. I, myself, have only encountered kindness and a helping hand handed down from the experts of Torah. Now let me tell you a story of a girl with mental illness.

My life was perfect till the age of nine. Nine was how old I was when my parents got divorced and my life as a child ended. I had to grow up overnight. The events that followed after the divorce can only be described as trauma. Since my mother was not emotionally stable, she acted in ways that no mother ever should. That was the first time I wondered why I couldn’t be happy. I didn’t know anything about mental health because this was the 1990s and no one spoke about it, especially to a child. I trudged on. In my teens I began to self-medicate in the best ways that I knew. I played the piano, I made up music, and wrote songs longing for freedom and happiness. I also wrote in a journal each and every day for hours at a time. Once I made a huge sign to calm my fears to hang over my bed: Hashen li v’lo ira. I spent a lot of time tracing the beautiful letters and painting them with strong colors, so as to scare my monsters away. I davened. Hard. I let myself cry and cry until my siddur turned to oil and stains. I begged Hashem to let me be normal like everyone else and to be happy. Just one request: happiness. The Kosel in the seminary years was my best medication. I would stand there for a long time, hands on the warm stones, and feel Hashem right there, feel safe, and in some way kind of healed. Once back in life, it was back to journals and crying out for help, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It’s interesting how nobody in my life ever guessed that I had depression and anxiety, including myself. Those words were unspoken, especially because I was able to function in life no matter how sad or manic I was.

I was just a regular girl enjoying a sunset, hanging out with my friends, and hiding the unlabeled pain.

everyone around me that I don’t feel well. This makes things much easier to understand for people who have days where they have

When I got married and had two children, I had a very bad case of postpartum depression. One day I was sitting on my couch on Shabbos and an article in a magazine caught my attention. For a year before I read this article I started researching different mental health illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar I. None of them fit what I was feeling and especially how well I was functioning in life, through my pain. But this article was about a woman who was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and that’s when it clicked for me. But now I had to find a psychiatrist. When I learned how much a psychiatrist is ($300-$600 per visit), I almost fell off my seat. And how would I know which one was a good one? For that kind of money there was no poking in the dark; it had to be a straight shot. We were away on vacation, and during dinner with our friends I found my friend alone for a minute. I quietly asked her if she knew of a good psychiatrist in our area. She quietly slipped me a note with his name and phone number. It was taboo even in 2010. I called him and made an appointment. When I came to the office I was so nervous, I could barely breathe. I was so scared that I would see someone I knew there, as no one must know that I had a psychiatric issue. After speaking to the psychiatrist, it was confirmed that I had bipolar II. Although my heart was crushed, the diagnosis gave me immense hope. If there

strep, the flu, or even COVID-19. Even in my own family I have found that my shalom bayis and family dynamics are much simpler when I say that this is my illness that’s making me act the way I do. When I know that I will yell and snap at my loved ones because of the emotional torture of that day, I simply remove myself from the situation, and not communicate at that time of turmoil so as to save the feelings of my family and friends. Sometimes I get angry at Hashem for giving me this was a name to the pain, there was a cure, there had to be. I walked into the pharmacy the next day holding my script bashfully, trying to avoid attention. After taking the pill, the pain went away for two weeks. I stopped crying at red lights, I stopped moping around, I became a person for the first time in my life since my happy childhood. It was all I had been davening for all this time. Selfmedicating was over and now my life has begun. I wish I could tell you that this was my happy ending, but I can’t do that. Unfortunately, finding the right medication may take years, as it did in my case. Often people hit the nail on the head on their first or second try, and that is possible and lucky at the same time. My story is still under construction. There are side effects, medications that make you feel worse, and money. Lots of money. I have good days and bad days. Good moments, and right after those I plummet into a severe, deep, dark hole. I’m still tweaking my medication, seeing my psychiatrist regularly, and in between keeping my head above water and trying to do the best I can. Now I have learned not to blame my environment, my past, nor my present hardships on my sadness. Instead, I tell

invisible illness. But to be angry is to believe that there is Someone to be angry at. Sometimes my emunah falters. Sometimes I am given permission by a rav to take the mitzvos less intensely. I still hope that there will one day be a properly written sefer on the exact halachos of mental illness. This way I won’t have to feel guilty or ashamed of not holding on to my heritage and my birthright. My greatest wish is to heal and be a well, happy person. To have it together. To accomplish important things. To help the world change its view on me and everyone else like me. Meanwhile I dream and continue treading the endless water called life. My life.

Goldie Young is a teacher and writer and lives in New York. She is also a wife and mom to three beautiful children. Goldie can be reached through the magazine for comments.

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My Pesach Miracle

By Leah Gluck

Let me start off by saying this: my mother is a tzadeikes. She is a tremendous ba’alas chesed, a community leader, a sought-after speaker and life coach, and an amazing mother, and she juggles it all with grace. When it comes to making Pesach, she counts on us married children to pitch in. From the time I got married there was an unspoken understanding that when I landed at my parents’ house in Miami two days before Pesach, I would be on a 48-hour full-on marathon to make Pesach out of…. magic?

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I was up for the task. My husband was (and still is) super hands-on and helpful and was happy to hang out with our baby (and hide from the chaos) while I tackled Operation Pesach in Miami. So that fateful year, 16 years ago, we landed in Miami on Thursday night and I pulled an all-nighter creating menus, shopping, and prepping. Friday morning I got an early start (having not gone to sleep, I may be stating the obvious) while my husband continued to take care of my 11-month-old son.

Kugels were baking, vegetables were sauteing (yes, we got a couple more pots), chickens were being trimmed, and things were starting to come together. This was an especially challenging year because it was a three-day Yom Tov—Shabbos followed by Yom Tov—so the pressure was on. At around noon, my husband told me he had a headache and asked if there was any Advil around. There wasn’t—everything was already put away for Pesach—so he went out with my son to buy a bottle of Advil. He came home, took two Advil, and told

me he was going to take a nap with my son in the basement. No problem, “Feel good,” I told him. I was deeply entrenched in chickens and cookbooks and wasn’t really paying attention. An hour or two later my husband came back upstairs feeling much better. The cookathon continued full force and at some point I noticed it was really quiet. Too quiet. “Where is Danny?” I asked my husband. “Still napping, I guess,” was his response. Still napping? That’s odd. It’s been four hours! I hurried downstairs to the guest room and saw my son awake in his pack ‘n play, looking sort of listless. And then I saw an empty bottle of coated Advil right next to him. Yes. Empty. My brain went into panic mode. I ran upstairs and asked my husband if he had found some Advil around the house after all. “No, I bought a new bottle; it’s downstairs on the dresser.” Oh my G-d. “Mom!” I yelled, “come downstairs for a minute, please!” She came downstairs. I lifted my son and she lifted the mat at the bottom of the pack ‘n play, both our hearts racing, and found one lonely Advil at the bottom. Oh my G-d. There were 50 extra-strength Advils in the bottle. My husband took two. There was one on the bottom of the pack ‘n play. Oh my G-d. My mother opened her hand flat and laid the Advil on her palm and reached out to my baby to see what he would do, but we both already knew. Sure enough, he grabbed the candy-coated Advil and tried to suck it down with the agility that only a baby with 47 candy-coated Advils’ worth of practice would have acquired. She grabbed it back from him; our fears were confirmed. At some point in the past hour my baby had managed to get hold of the Advil, squeeze the sides together, twist off the cap, and had taken the entire bottle of Advil. At this point my son was more listless and his breathing was shallow. There was no Hatzolah in Miami so we called poison control and they directed us to the nearest hospital—about ten minutes away. We called 911 but they told us it would take more than ten minutes to get to us so we drove to the emergency room ourselves in sheer panic. By the time we arrived I was holding a semi-conscious child in my arms and I was in a state of absolute panic.

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I will spare you the details, but we saw outright miracles. Danny was given liquid charcoal, which binds to the medicine and forces it out of the body. At first, nothing. Why isn’t he throwing up?! But then he did, and lumps of Advil, many still intact, started to come up. I breathed a sigh of relief. This is good, right? The doctors explained that we were far from out of the woods. Forty-seven extra-strength Advils is 200x the proper dose for a 20 lb. baby. Seeing lumps of Advil is a good sign but it can’t tell you how many of the Advils were already dissolved and in his bloodstream. Meanwhile Shabbos was fast approaching, and back at home my family was pulling strings, all thoughts of cooking and lists forgotten. My mother got on the phone with top doctors who helped arrange a transfer to a top hospital. My father got on the phone with the rav to tell us what to do about Shabbos, Yom Tov, and (hopefully) returning home and the relevant halachos. My siblings davened and Tehillim groups were contacted. On our end, things began to improve. The charcoal had worked. The bloodwork looked okay. We transferred hospitals and were admitted overnight for monitoring.

My father gave us the halachic instructions, and then it was Shabbos. The phones went off, and it was just me, my husband, and my son. We davened. We sang, and we got encouraging news. Davened some more, ate a bit, and was told that he was going to be alright. We were also told that had we waited even a few minutes longer we would be having a completely different conversation. And that had he ingested Tylenol rather than Advil it would have already affected his brain, possibly irreversibly. The relief we felt is hard to describe, and on Shabbos morning they sent us home. We walked into the front door late Shabbos afternoon, our baby snuggled safely in our arms. We opened the front door and found my family sitting around the cleared-off Shabbos table, davening. They had been in the dark for almost 20 hours, unable to get news, not knowing when we would return. Not knowing if Danny would be okay. But here we were back at home and Danny was okay. More than okay! We had been blessed with the greatest miracle: the gift of life.

Leah Gluck is a freelance writer and health coach and motivational speaker living in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband and six children. She can be contacted via info@healthandheelsmagazine.com.

healthy soul

Starving for Attention A CA ND I D CONVE R SATI O N WIT H DR . ELL E N SC HO R H AIM O F F

Q Hi, Dr. Haimoff, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to meet with us today. We are so honored to have you on board, and I am fascinated by your journey! Can you tell us a little bit about what you do?

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A I am thrilled to be here, and so excited to be part of this inspiring team of women supporting women! A little bit about myself: For over 30 years I maintained an eating disorders practice in Manhattan and had the opportunity to help thousands of women conquer crippling eating disorders. I left the eating disorder center to become a wife to a wonderful husband and mother to three amazing children. I then shifted gears and began to focus on anxiety and depression and a sense of loneliness in young women ages 21 and above. In these difficult times, people were often unaware of their unconscious roadblocks or blindspots to relationships. Through my own work with meditation and visualization I developed a special process.

Q Wow! What got you interested in working with people struggling with eating disorders? A I developed anorexia when I was 21 years old. While on my own healing journey, I worked with Bill and Marlene White and some other wonderful therapists. I decided to go back to school for my PhD in clinical psychology and dedicated myself to helping others with eating disorders, as I was intimately familiar with the tricks, games, and lies they played on their journey to getting well, so I was in the right position to relate to my clients and really help them. Q Can you share some of your earlier memories with us? A

I was born to American Jewish and assimilated parents. My father was a chauffeur and bodyguard to Frank Sinatra…when he wasn’t gambling. From as early as I could remember I sought my father’s approval. My first full sentence, at our family beach club, wearing a bathing suit and high heels, was, “Daddy, look at me!” I was an only child, and my father was physically abusive to me—especially if

the Salvation Army or second-hand pieces from friends’ parents, the weight began to drop…almost on a magic-speed high. I lost 20 pounds and started to look seriously sick. But I was thrilled with my weight loss. I would faithfully jog a mile and a half every day and just kept pushing forward. I began applying to PhD programs in psychology. I got positive feedback from my friends, as I was shrinking into a size zero, or double zero, but I knew I wasn’t well.

he heard I had been fresh to my mother—when he came home. He objectified women, flirted with pretty waitresses, and often compared my body to my mother’s, which was confusing and painful for me. When I was 19 he ended up leaving my mother for a young woman who was 19 like me. So you can imagine what that must have been like. My mother was one of those naturally thin and truly healthy eater types, with three solid meals a day and no snacks. Yet, she was always offering my friends and me snacks—white bread and peanut butter and apple slices before dinner. As a “key child” she was never home for lunch, so I would have lunch at the neighbor’s house: canned ravioli—the “Chef Boyardee” non-kosher kind—and plenty of dessert.

Q So how did your poor eating habits develop into an actual disorder? A Gradually, the weight came on, as I did not have the same “moderation” habits that my mother had. When we moved, as a chubby 12-year-old, to the fancier Pelham Parkway in the Bronx, my new “in-crowd” friends and I all went on the Weight Watchers diet. After shedding almost 20 pounds of baby fat and becoming a cheerleader, I knew that Being Thin was one of my most important life goals!! After ending my first marriage and finishing my master’s program in psychology, I found a fabulous apartment in Gramercy Park, bought a stick-shift Toyota (because it matched my raincoat), and thought that I was “lit.” As I ran around to furnish the apartment, mostly from

Then, about six months later, everything began to slow down. Now, how was I to maintain this weight and this new-found body? I started to feel lonely and anxious at night after a crazy busy day, so I would reward myself with HaagenDazs ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. The weight started to creep back up. I remembered a girl in college who knew how to make herself throw up. I tried it and it worked. I had the whole system down: After a binge, stick a finger down your throat, and voila! Having your cake and eating it too became almost a nightly ritual. This lasted for about two and a half years.

Q Can you share with our readers some of the low points you experienced before you started healing? A My binging and purging was getting progressively worse. Sometimes my binge madness included cold pizza, a pint of ice cream, and everything else on the shelf that I could consume. Eating out with friends had become difficult, as I needed to perform the ritual purge soon after eating. Once in a while this was not possible—so I felt fat and awful and ashamed the next day; I would wake up in a self-hating, self-loathing sugar haze. Then I would not show up to the gym the next day and tried to fast, at least half a day. Things were really out of control.

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healthy soul One night, my mother came to the city to take me out to dinner. She was going to stay over. After dinner we walked to my favorite bodega, where I got my usual assortment of goodies. (I would lie and tell the shop owner I was having friends over.) When my mother asked me, “What are you doing?” I said, “It doesn’t matter, Mom, I am going to throw it up anyway.” She looked at me with her blazing, shocked eyes. She truly thought I was crazy! She warned me that if I brought that stuff back up to the apartment she would turn around and go back to the Bronx. It was about 11 p.m. I told my mom, “Go ahead, who cares!”… and she took the train home alone! I remember looking at myself in the mirror, after I had binged and purged, my eyes all red and glazed, and realizing that I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I had never done that before. This was my big wakeup call.

drilling sound in my head. Slowly, slowly, with excellent therapy, I saw the core of my problem, which was to be like Mom, all moderation— while dealing with the compulsive side of myself, like my father. Also, layered with the conflict of being a thin and attractive woman was dealing with male attention, which often precipitated a binge. Coming from my background, male attention was

Q So are you a dating coach now? A shadchan? A No, not at all. First of all,

traditional methods of finding Mr. Right really aren’t working. Dating apps could be risky with all types of scammers. Matchmakers cost many thousands and there are no guarantees. Therapy helps but takes way too long.

Q So what is your approach? A My technique cuts right through the excuses and gets to the bottom line. Through spiritual and imagery gifts I am able to facilitate real transformation. Sometimes it’s not about meeting new people, but reexamining relationships with a healthier viewpoint.

Q What was recovery like?

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A Recovering was slow and painful: finding a good therapist, going away for a weekend retreat with Bill and Marlene Whyte—who were amazing—slips and setbacks, self-hate and defeat, and then moving forward again! I had always had bad teeth and lots of cavities. When I was young my father would take me to the racetrack, or a smoke-filled room, to gamble. To keep me occupied and quiet he would ply me with endless bubble gum. I would sit quietly chewing the bubble gum, writing stories or drawing while he played poker, often losing the rent money and more.

When the dentist saw that my teeth were rotting from the inside out he asked me about vomiting; another blessed piece of my recovery!! Several root canals later, I vowed to stop having setbacks, as I heard the

A While I still maintain my practice, I have also shifted gears to a certain extent. In the past couple of years I have turned my focus to helping women find healthy relationships with the right partner. As you may know, finding “the one” is not about meeting people—that’s the easy part—but about shedding personal demons to be receptive to letting the right person into their heart.

dangerous for me. Making peace with these issues took patience and work. Slowly, I learned how to breathe and deal with my anxiety. I learned to call friends when I was alone, put on music, and be my own good parent! I went on to earn my PhD and become a psychologist, and opened the first center for bulimia and related disorders in Manhattan. My partner, Judith Brisman, and I worked on a book for women: How to Survive an Eating Disorder.

Q So do you still work with women struggling with eating disorders?

Q Can you explain the guided imagery process? A My session begins with lying on a couch, eyes closed, lights low, and soothing ocean sounds with an accompanying piano playing softly in the background. I then induce a meditative state using breathing techniques so they are between being awake and asleep. With a clear mind the client imagines a serene beach scene, and through guided imagery leads them to a desk on the beach. We then discover the stumbling blocks that are keeping my clients from a lasting relationship. After identifying the blockages we place the blockages in the desk inside closed drawers.

Q Wow! What a unique approach! A That is just the beginning of their journey! Without getting into all the details of the therapeutic process, let’s just say that the facts speak for themselves: Since I developed this proprietary therapy over three years ago I have had an unprecedented success rate that actually even surprised me! In the past three years I have worked with approximately 100 clients, with 92% getting married all within a year, all by using this guided meditation. Q How do people find out about you? A The first person I treated found

true love in six months and got married a year later. The word of mouth is insane in New York and Long Island where I practice.

Q Who is your typical client? A My clients are high powered—

lawyers, CEOs, physicians, etc.—who were having trouble finding love. They tried the usual methods, which failed, and would be delighted to go on the record on how this worked.

Q Can you give me an example of the kinds of “blockages” that people uncover? A

I recently worked with a woman who saw the blocks to relationships as simple as a ratty old couch, which meant that she would never invite anyone to her apartment. She changed the couch and three weeks later met her person, and he loved the couch. Of course, it had everything to do with why she was hanging onto the couch and not letting love in. Much like having a layer of fat to avoid close relationships.

Important tips for helping our daughters and ourselves maintain a healthy body image 1. Never complain about your body in front of your daughter. Do not say disparaging things about your body. Remember, as you look in the mirror complaining, there is a 12-year-old girl comparing herself to you. 2. Never comment about overweight women you see in shul, restaurants, etc. (My mother would see a heavyset woman and say, “How can she eat that? Doesn’t she look in the mirror?” I was left with the feeling that feeling fat was very bad. 3. Eat with your kids. Mothers not eating will build up the question in girls’ minds of “Why does she not ever sit with us? Is eating bad?” 4. If you are a compulsive exerciser (exercise bulimia) please seek help; it is a ritualistic purge and your children learn from your behavior! 5. Fathers: Never comment on your daughters’ bodies. It is invasive and disrespectful! 6. Separations, abandonments, and even long stays away from home such as the first year of college or Israel can trigger eating changes. Keep a careful eye on your daughters even when they are away. 7. Spend time with your child. Show them unconditional love! 8. Educate yourself—read articles and books—on the subject. Learn as much as you can! 9. If you notice sudden weight loss, or skipping meals in your teen, seek professional help from a specialist trained in eating disorders. There are also support groups available for family members of people struggling with eating disorders, which I highly recommend.

Dr. Ellen Schor Haimoff was the former founder and director of The Associates for Bulimia and Related Disorders in Manhattan. She created The Bulimia Workshop, a three-day intensive course that helped thousands of young women across the country. She has been interviewed on 20-20, 60 Minutes, CNN, Good Morning America, and was a cover story in The New York Times style section, among many other publications of note, profiling her vital work. More recently, Dr. Haimoff is helping women remove roadblocks that have been keeping them from being in a healthy, loving relationship. In her spare time Dr. Haimoff loves belly dancing, yoga, hanging out at the beach, traveling, and enjoying time with her four amazing grandchildren and family.

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Virtual Taekwondo, Self Defense and Fitness Classes

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1:1 TRAINING EMPOWERMENT COACHING FOR BODY AND SOUL

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GET TO KNOW THE I N F LU E N CE R S YOU T H I N K YO U KNOW ON A WH OL E N EW L EVE L .

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things you didn’t know about me,

N aomi Joseph

My husband and I had our first children (twins!) ten years after we got married via our third round of IVF, and we were expecting again (without intervention, with Hashem’s help!) when the twins turned one. What a brachah!

03 05 I bought my first sheitel after 29 years of marriage. I don’t cover my hair full-time yet, but I wear it whenever I want to really invite Hashem in. One step at a time.

I absolutely love rainy days. I think it’s because I wasn’t an active, “outside” kid. Rainy days took the pressure off!

07 I love living near the beach, but hiking in the mountains is my favorite place to be.

Connecting with others on a deep level is where my neshamah yearns to be. One to one, on a Zoom, through my book or articles, public speaking in front of thousands… Give me a microphone and a stage and I’m good to go!

My husband is two years, two months, and 13 days younger than me. I met him when he was 19, and my mother said I’d be insane not to wait for him. Best advice ever!

04 06

Every once in a while, I fall off the exercise bandwagon, and every time I get back on I think, “This makes me feel amazing! Why did I ever stop?”

I sleep with the windows open, even on the coldest of New York winter nights! I can’t get enough of the fresh air.

08 Move over, shaker cup! I drink my green protein smoothies out of a champagne flute!

Eleven years ago I introduced many in the frum world to a health and wellness network marketing company. It was scary to put myself out on that limb, but the risk benefitted me, and so many others, in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

Naomi is the author of “Binge and Sprint: From Endless Cake to Recovery,” which chronicles her 40-year journey through binge eating disorder and recovery within the frum community, and has a corresponding workbook coming out later this year. As a thriving and seasoned entrepreneur with a health and wellness network marketing company, Naomi continues to work tirelessly to help others find their best, healthiest lives, and grow businesses of their own. Naomi has been married to her husband, Alex (Mario Alexis, yes, Jewish from Argentina), since 1992. They shared the bond of both having been the “chubby kid” on their first date, and reside on Long Island with their three children. She can be reached through her website BingeAndSprint.com or Instagram @BingeAndSprint.

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Frum Female and Fierce! Moderated by Jen Sharbani

We all love to shop a great Jewish-owned brand, but do you know the person behind what you’re wearing? Get the scoop on fabulous frum girl bosses!

Featuring Rechama Jaffe of D-Rama Business name: D-rama

HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT NAME? My good friend Cookie and I were goofing around in my room and thinking about different names we could call my brand, saying funny different names. She finally said “Why don’t we call it D-RAMA? It’s a pun on drama: Your English name is Rama, plus you’re full of drama!” It just felt right; it was a perfect representation of me as a person.

WHEN DID YOU START ? HOW DID YOU DECIDE TO START THE BUSINESS? June 11, 2018. Being overweight, I always dreamed of wearing that same skirt that all the girls wore in high school. It just wasn’t available to me; I felt limited in what I could wear. I didn’t go to seminary. At the time, I was just jumping from job to job. I did it all but nothing was fulfilling. I began to think more about it and started questioning my goals in life. I would ask myself, “What’s your essence?” I want to make a difference for people who don’t love the way they look at themselves.

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Once, on a date, I mentioned that I was planning to start a business and the guy was like, “Cute idea—but once you state you’re plus-size you can never take it back.” Those words stung and my idea died right there. Then some time passed.

I later went to Israel for seminary, and when I came back my parents pushed me to start a consistent job. So I went to cosmetology school. In the third week they have you put makeup on another person. I had to do makeup on a person with a full face of acne. I realized then that makeup artistry was not for me. That day I told my mom I wanted to start a clothing company.

WHAT ’ S YOUR WHY? I was 300 pounds in my early 20s. I didn’t want to look like a grandma who dresses from Macy’s. Plus-size fashion was very uncool. I started with myself and how I wanted to see myself in the mirror. I made four styles and took it from there.

WHAT ’ S SOMETHING YOU WANT US TO KNOW ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BRAND? I feel very, very blessed that Hashem gave me the business that I have and the customers I have. There are definitely many ups and downs but I really just love what I do. I also want people to know that as much as I spread body positivity and share messages to “love yourself, take care of yourself, respect yourself” I am struggling with it myself. When I post a quote, it’s for me. Sometimes when people see someone who has it all together on the outside, they don’t always realize it’s not actually true for them on the inside. There is a struggle and I share that as a way to connect with my following.

SO TELL US ABOUT THE D -RAMA CUSTOMER: I have very loyal customers and for the most part they are very grateful for what I do. I really make trendy, nice clothes for plus-sized women.

WHERE DO YOU ENVISION YOUR BUSINESS IN FIVE YEARS? I would like to see a lot of growth, whether it’s more stores, a bigger line, possibly lingerie. COVID really affected the industry and now I hope to be able to move forward with my goals.

WHAT ’ S THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE READERS OF HEALTH & HEELS: Acceptance: loving yourself the way you are. It’s okay to struggle with your body image but don’t spend your whole life hating it. I realize sometimes I’m so ungrateful to my body—so self-sabotaging and self-hating. Whether you’re 300 pounds or 160 pounds, love what you have. You need everything to function. It’s really important to surround yourself with good people and positivity. It really helps me to have positive body quotes around to remind myself. I do a lot of talking to myself. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

Jen Sharbani, aka Modestly Yours, is a Great Neck, New York, native, living in the fashion capital of the world. Modestly Yours most recently created a designer collection of modest swimwear women can feel proud to wear from day to night! CVRGE is made for modest women seeking to look their very best while being gorgeously modest. Jen has had a passion for fashion from a very young age, attending college at FIT and from there landing at top European fashion houses, Valentino and Chloe, before taking some time out to raise her three children.

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healthy finances

Did You Miss the Boat? By Yael Ishakis

There has been a lot of chatter and headlines about the mortgage rates. On January 18 and 19, 2022, the Federal Reserve Board met for a two-day planning session. The Fed is the U.S. central bank, which monitors and supports the health of the country’s financial system. In a Wednesday press conference, U.S. central bank chief Jerome Powell confirmed that the Fed will continue to raise rates, probably starting in March. In addition, Fannie and Freddie Mac, the two largest buyers of mortgage-back securities, announced that they will taper off the purchases of loans. That means they will scale back on purchasing loans. What happened next is that rates went up, as the banks have to rely on investors to purchase the mortgage-backed securities, and investors want a nice return. Therefore, rates did rise. Two months ago a rate in the low 3s was very accessible, and today a rate in the high-3s range is what is being offered. I don’t think anyone missed the boat. You may have missed an opportunity on very low rates, but we still are at historically low mortgage interest rates. So the time to buy is still now.

Spring Issue

I spoke to a client who was trying to save $30k more for her down payment. It took her two years to accomplish that goal. The problem she encountered was that home prices went up by 200k in her area (Jackson, New Jersey), so her 30k in savings cost 200k.

To illustrate the difference in payments with rates, see the chart for every $100,000 borrowed:

I N T E R EST R AT E

M O N T H LY PAYM E N T

3.25%

$435.21

3.5%

$449.04

$477.42

Currently we haven’t seen home prices decrease, as there is a lack of inventory. There are so many buyers looking for homes so the home prices didn’t go down as what would happen if we were in a buyers’ market. The only advice I can think of is to have strong offers and good pre-approvals ready so you can purchase and win the bid in this market!

Coffee

A Candid Chat with the Bosses

Break

We are all at different levels of our business. Some of us are just starting out, some have one or two hires, and some of us have a whole team. I’d like to share some tips from those who have teams.

Stacey

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THIS MONTH’ S TOPIC IS:

How do you know when you are ready to hire your first hire? Any tips you can share about the interviewing process. Chany Rosen My name is Chany Rosen. I’m president and founder of Cavalry Associates, which is a design and expediting firm with inhouse architects, engineers, and expeditors who specialize in obtaining all approvals and permits for NYC construction projects. But more importantly, I’m a mom of five beautiful girls who inspire me daily! Hire your first hire when you’re considering turning down work, but before your customer service or quality gets affected. For a first hire, hire someone you like and enjoy spending time with; someone who has the same values and work ethic as you.

Spring Issue

Karen Behfar

When you see that you can’t handle the business coming in. When you see you’re turning down opportunities because you’re not getting to them. First make sure the reason you’re not getting to them is because you already manage your time to the best of your ability and you simply can not get to them. The way I did it years ago, and continue to do today, is I make a list of my current tasks, and I say, “Okay, what don’t I like to do, or what am I not the best at, that I can hand over to my hire?” As I grow and have more things to do I

Sophia Cohen My name is Sophia Cohen. I’m the CEO and creator of UrbanPops, dairy-free gelato and fresh fruit popsicles! My husband and I started the business nine years ago out of our small apartment and have grown into several retail locations! I think the first time I realized I needed to hire help was when my sister walked into my kitchen and said, “I think it’s time for you to hire someone” and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. It had not occurred to me that I should start to hire someone. It was very early on. There is really no reason to suffer when you don’t have to. Even a little bit of help goes a long way. Don’t be afraid to hire someone even for a few hours a day.

narrow down what my actual job is and focus on what I do best—the greatest return on investment (ROI)—and I stick to that and delegate everything else. I keep narrowing down what I can do and what I delegate. Additionally, I know what my next hires are going to look like. When I started out I only had a very small budget of what I can afford and I reverse-engineered it. For example, I have $200 to spend on help in the office; it will roughly give me 10 hours of help, and then slowly I maxxed that out and then I looked at what my next hire would do. I needed a transaction manager; I started with five hours a week and then slowly increased it to full time, then social media, etc. You keep delegating as things come up. I’m pretty chilled when it comes to

Tanya Rosen 1.

When you’re wearing way too many hats. Yes, a business owner should wear many hats and it comes with the job, but you know when you’re wearing too many and someone needs to take some! 2. You’re spending your precious time doing things someone else could be doing. 3. You have waiting lists because you’re the only one who can service people. Interview process: Always ask openended questions, let the person (versus you) talk, ask if they know anything about the company, which shows they cared enough to research. I also always trust my gut and vibes.

the interview process. I like to analyze people in a discreet type of way. What’s important to me is if they can follow some sort of directions and come on time. If I ask someone to email me a resume and a description, and then they WhatsApp it to me and it’s ten years old, it makes me realize that attention to detail is not something that is important to them (that’s my weak point; I need someone whose strong point is my weak point). I look for subtle cues, how comfortable they are. I bring up different scenarios, such as their life, their previous work experience, their current job, their previous bosses—all of that paints a picture to me of their emotional health and their confidence. I like to have two or three interviews with the candidate until I’m super comfortable with them and get to know them.

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She’s Boss Managing As a Businessmom By Malky Blum

In Sharp Focus I am not one to be easily swayed by the cliche business stories you’ll find filling LinkedIn pages or feel-good success seminars. But here’s one that has always spoken to me, as recalled by the legendary investor Warren Buffett in an interview on CNBC a couple of years ago: “Bill Gates’ father, right after we first met, had a group of about twenty of us write down on a sheet of paper one word that accounted for our success. Bill and I, who maybe met twice before and had no idea what the other one wrote down, both wrote the word FOCUS.” There are many ways in which exhibiting proper focus plays out. In this feature I want to hone in on the focus that involves what specifically you do and offer, who you cater to, how you specialize in one area of strength, as well as your unique positioning in the marketplace.

Spring Issue

There’s one story that makes people chuckle, but everyone I’ve shared it with has instinctively related to it and nodded along. There was a guy who created an effective bug spray that successfully killed all sorts of bugs and insects. For some reason, people just weren’t buying his superior product. At a loss, he hired someone to hang around in hardware store aisles and ask shoppers who had selected other brands why they chose those products over his. One by one, the answers came back, all sharing a version of, “I have an ant problem, so I chose the spray that’s specifically for ants.”

often get caught up in trying to offer more and for a wider audience, only to end up with less.

Finding a niche market is vital, because if you’re catering to everyone, you’re actually catering to no one. And a business that caters to no one is a business not worth running for long.

So the man went ahead and rebranded his product by launching separate lines, each designed for a different insect. It was the very same mixture of chemicals and insecticides, but this time each bottle was designed for one subset of shoppers and their unique problem at the moment. And guess what, the cans began flying off the shelves!

The reason focus is so important actually goes deeper than the reason mentioned above. There is a popular business expression I have long internalized and shared: “When values are clear, decisions are easy.” At first look this may seem like a message about having certain values, but it is essentially about focus. Because a lack of focus leads to a lack of clarity in what the business values most. When a business is super clear about what their focus is, decisions big and small become natural and easy.

We can see it happen in our own lives every day, and yet when it comes to business, we so

This emphasis on focus carries even greater weight for businessmoms juggling the myriad responsibilities of family life. Instead of dedicating our limited energy to spreading ourselves even thinner by expanding farther,

we should double down on getting better at what we already excel at. When we can see growth by giving attention to what we already do, we are being resourceful on the road to success. Allow me to share a personal example of what it means to focus. One of my recent business ventures is HomePros, which I assume you’ve seen or heard about. It is an online workout platform for busy moms who just want to move. It’s online, so it’s not for those people looking for in-person classes. It’s for busy moms, because people who have a lot of free time have so many options to choose from, leading us to create something geared to those looking for short workouts that require no commitment. The primary target audience is people who just want to move and feel good about themselves. And to hammer home the point about focus, there are no complicated subscription tiers and plans. Everyone pays the same: a dollar a day. That is what niching down looks like. If we were just another exercise company trying to sell workouts to everyone and anyone, chances are you would have never heard about HomePros. It would get lost in the hundreds of other brands also vying for your attention. But if you’re a busy mom in need of some self-care who just wants to move when you have a few free minutes, this is where you will come. Every. Single. Time. Focus is especially important in today’s market where everyone claims to be an expert. The only way to stand out is to find a niche, and then niche down some more. Niche down so much that it hurts. My favorite book on the subject is appropriately titled “Focus,” authored by Al Reis. (You can bet that the book talks about focus only, and doesn’t also try to teach you how to hire, do your finances, and set annual goals.) The author writes about companies that have succeeded by focusing and others that have failed by trying to be and do too much. He credits the fact that Coca Cola is worth more than double what Pepsi is to its ability to remain focused. While Pepsi has already bought more than 20 companies to grow its revenue (Mountain Dew, Lay’s, Gatorade, Tropicana, 7 Up, Doritos, Brisk, Quaker Foods, Tostitos, to name a few), diversity is causing a lack of focus. Coca Cola, on the other hand, is laser focused on drinks and the fun times that accompany them. The driving force of corporate America is growth. Predictably, in order to meet these targets, companies will constantly expand to offer different varieties and flavors, branch into new markets, and offer more and more plans. But once they lose their focus, they lose the ownership of a word or feeling in the minds of customers.

It should have been obvious that a company cannot keep expanding its product line forever. It’s the Law of Diminishing Returns. But for decades, the largest conglomerates have tried to expand into different domains, and in the process lost their efficiency and competitiveness. Today, companies are starting to understand that the opposite of expanding is where the money really lies. They are getting back to basics and learning to laser focus. With technology and social media globalizing everything around us, there is all the more reason to niche down and focus. I’ll explain: If you live in a small town with 100 people, what kind of retail stores do you think you’ll find? One “general” store that sells everything: food, clothing, gasoline, children’s bikes, etc. Head to New York City with a population of eight million people and you’ll find highly specialized retail establishments. Not just shoe stores, but men’s shoe stores, women’s shoe stores, children’s shoe stores, and athletic shoe stores… The larger the market, the more room for specialization! So how do you know if you are focusing? not something flowery or complicated. Ideally, you want to own a word or feeling in people’s minds, not a specific product. (Think: luxury cars, overnight shipping, quality, etc.) Let’s leave you with an exercise.

A proper focus has to be very simple and relatable, Can you boil down with clarity what the focus of your business is? Are all your efforts geared toward getting better at that? If not, it’s probably time to focus on getting focused.

Malky Blum is the founder and owner of HomePros, the online workout platform for busy moms; GymPros, among the largest Jewish gymnastics centers in the country; co-founder of the JGL, the Jewish Gymnastics League; and part-time business consultant. Malky is a lucky wife and mother of two who joins as many ninja classes as she can every week. In her spare time she laments the fact that women never have spare time.

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Financial Stages PROTECTION By Etty Surkis No one plans to fail, but many, many fail to plan. As cliche as the phrase may sound, the reality is even more so. Only 28% of Americans actually have a financial plan. That means 184,690,000 American adults are just winging it. A healthy financial plan consists of three stages. Each stage of planning calls for a thought-out strategy for optimal results.

Protection means managing risk. Let’s break that down: PURCHASING INSURANCE

Spring Issue

For the most part, we turn to insurance companies to help us do just that. Nine out of ten people that I ask can’t tell me what the word insurance means. In simple terms, insurance companies pool risk. To easily understand it, here’s an example. Of 100 cars on the road, one is likely to get into an accident. The cost of making all parts whole again may range anywhere from $5,000 to $500,000, depending on the damage—whether a fender bender, totaled car, or covering the cost of an injured pedestrian. Since no single person wants, or is able, to take on that risk, car insurance is required. So 100 people contribute with a monthly premium, and when a claim gets paid out it’s the pool of money that makes a payout possible. Ninety-nine percent of the people contributing may never get into an accident but are still required or choose to participate. The same goes for health insurance, renters insurance, appliances, phone and furniture “warranties.”

Then there is life insurance: Statistically, only 1% of term life insurance policies are claimed. Why? Because most people

PR OT

who hold a term policy are young, and few young people die. So why do so many people contribute to pooling that risk? Let’s do a simple breakdown by asking ourselves the following: Can I recover the financial loss of… a broken phone? A medical crisis? A ripped sofa? The death of a parent? If the answer is yes then no insurance is necessary, and if the answer is no then pooling the risk and getting insured is a fundamental principle in creating financial stability.

MODIFYING OUR BEHAVIOR Managing risk is very often simply managing ourselves better in regard to money. The word budget is taboo and no one wants to live on a budget. People associate budget with words such as “limiting,” “stifling,” “cheap,” and “deprived.” I’d rather focus on creating a value-based financial plan. Our lifestyles are shaped by exchanging time and energy for money. My goal is to help people understand that a life of quality, peace, and joy is the exchange of money for value. So, what are values? The simple definition is the importance, worth, or usefulness of something. To understand it in practical terms, I like to use an example to which we can all

ECTIO N

relate. There’s one shared value most of us have, which we will live and die for: our Torah. Yiddishkeit and raising our children properly are an outgrowth of that. Therefore, our number-one priority, and the things we will exchange our dollars for, are things that highlight that value, such as kosher food, Yomim Tovim expenses, and our yeshivah system/tuition. The alternative is not even an option or a thought that crosses our minds. Community is another example of a value that is dear to many. We therefore opt to live in expensive neighborhoods due to the value it gives us, the sense of community and belonging, and the access to the facilities we need. Since money is a limited resource, we all have decisions to make on a daily basis. We want to live consciously and mindfully so our dollars can be maximized and we can live in alignment with our values. From working with so many families, it is clear that relationship health and physical health can be severely compromised when families live with financial burden. Raising healthy children is a fundamental value across the board, yet the ability to raise healthy children can be terribly challenged when there is a dark shadow of debt hovering above our heads, or if there is a whirlwind of financial confusion. According to a MINT survey, 65% of people have no idea how much they spent last month.

Here’s a scenario of Chavie, a young mother struggling with debt. “There is nothing more important to me than to be debt-free,” she tells me at our first meeting. I could tell a new value was born for her. The amazing thing about a value is that it motivates one to do whatever it takes when it’s that important to us. With a plan of action, hard work, and a commitment of three years, she reached her goal of becoming debt-free. She now lives her life with more quality, peace, and joy! Notice that nowhere in this

statement is there mentioned pain, suffering, or deprivation. The process of getting out of debt and living within one’s means is so full of joy and excitement when it’s aligned with our values! The next very important step for her was to set herself up for future success by staying clear of debt and starting to save and invest for the future. She recognized that the recipe for becoming debt free was by working harder—to raise her income, and then live well below her income so she still had money to put toward saving/investing.

PS: She paid off her debt first ($3,000 each month) and then lived with whatever was left. Today she saves/invests $3,000 each month. Remember, she said it was her most important value at the time! Way more important than a stocked pantry, kids well dressed, or a nice family car. Don’t get confused by thinking it was her only value. She had other values she was spending her money on, such as a gym

I had a personal experience that really highlighted this belief. We had purchased a new home, and the seller was moving to Florida. I remember her offering me, or rather begging me, to take whatever I wanted because it was such a hassle for her to get rid of all the stuff she had accumulated over the years. At this point her garbage was costing her money, either by transporting it to a different state or by renting storage space, and her best option was that I take it all for free. My thought at that time was, “Did she

membership and a parenting course. She learned really early in the game (at age 26) that we all have money for some things, but most likely not for everything. The marketing industry presents things in a way that makes us feel that in order to belong we need to have it all. The key is to be super clear about what adds value to our lives and what can be placed on hold for sometime in the future.

really get the value she hoped for when purchasing all that stuff? Or was it just a hope of filling a void in her life?” I don’t even know the answer to my questions, I just know that one day it will cost me time and/or money to get rid of stuff. That stuff had better add value to my life! Otherwise, what a waste, times two! After mastering positive spending habits and protecting the things we owe, own, and the ones we love, accumulation becomes the next priority.

Etty Surkis is the CEO of Excelsum Capital, a boutique financial services firm that provides multi-strategy financial solutions for a range of clients. Etty’s expertise includes individual and family budgeting, personal financial management, life insurance options, and retirement planning. Etty educates, guides, and supports her clients in achieving a disciplined approach to budget management and ensuring long-term financial stability. She has done lots of work with women from Sister to Sister as well as the Links organization. She can be reached at 718-964-7060 or at ettysurkis@gmail.com.

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NAVIGAT I N G F EE LI NG S

Cultivating a Trusting and Wholesome Relationship With our Children Spring Issue

PART III OF AN ONGOING SERIES.

facilitated by Rachel Herman

Join us as we continue our parenting journey with Blimie Heller, creator of the “Unconditional Parenting” program, with the goal of developing a deep connection and trust with our children.

Welcome back! So… what are we talking about today?

Today I want to talk about feelings. I truly believe that allowing children to feel and express their emotions is an important key in raising emotionally healthy adults. I also want to discuss how to separate children’s feelings from their behavior.

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Love that! Let’s dive right in! Well, first let’s understand what feelings actually are. Feelings are sensations we experience in our body that can either be unpleasant or pleasant. Wait. Aren’t we ever just neutral? Actually, that’s a feeling too; it’s called contentment. We may even feel a multitude of feelings at the same time, some more intense than others. And these physical sensations, either pleasant or unpleasant, provide insight into our needs. For example, if we are sad, our body may experience that as heaviness in our chest or tears behind our eyes or some other way. That physical sensation (feeling) of sadness is a cue that a need of ours isn’t being met. Maybe the need for care, consideration, being understood, or respected. If, on the other hand, we feel content, we will experience that as comfort in the body. That lets us know that our needs are being met. So where are we going with this? And how does this apply to us as parents?

So small children naturally feel and embody their feelings: They cry, laugh, scream, and jump for joy easily and almost instinctively. This is natural and healthy. The movement actually helps the body process the feelings and release it. But what can happen in childhood is that children can also learn to block or suppress their feelings rather than allowing it to move through them.

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How does this happen? Here’s an example: If a child cries and the parent panics or demands that the child stop, the child sees that their unpleasant feeling, and its expression, is problematic so they develop a way to suppress it. Can’t that be healthy? Like a coping mechanism? Not really. Suppression is not the same thing as regulation. With suppression, we block or dissociate from the feeling. With regulation, we feel and process the feeling. Whenever a feeling is suppressed, not only does the energy get trapped in the body, which can create a host of unhelpful mutations, but the child also doesn’t learn to process and regulate their feelings, which is a cornerstone of emotional health. For example, depression is a classic form of repressed emotions. Rage or aggression is often an expression of repressed vulnerable emotions. Even addiction is often rooted in trying to numb the pain of emotions

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healthy families that aren’t being processed or expressed. Feelings are part of what makes us alive. They also give us the ability to connect deeply to others. When we repress them, it makes it hard for us to emotionally connect to others and dulls our sense of aliveness. Being in touch with our emotions is being alive. So what I’m understanding is that most of the emotional issues many adults face come from not having been able to express and process their emotions when they were younger?

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It’s hard to quantify but that is often a big factor. So how do we teach children to feel and express their emotions? That’s the best part: We don’t have to teach them! As children, they do it naturally! We just have to make sure not to get in the way! We need to be careful not to teach them to block or repress their emotions. We also may want to give them words to describe their feelings. So then a better question might be, how do we stay out of the way?

Well, now that you phrased it that way, I realize that we can’t just stay out of the way either. As parents we need to embrace our children’s feelings and stay present for the intense, unpleasant ones, while at the same time teaching them to control the behavior they may have the impulse to engage in. For example, if a child is disappointed and starts to hit another child, we can embrace the disappointment while still teaching them that it’s not okay to hit a friend. This feels like it can get tricky. Isn’t it hard for children to understand the difference between accepting the feeling but not the behavior? Kids are pretty black and white. I imagine it may end up giving them mixed messages.

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In my experience, it doesn’t give them mixed messages, but yes, it is a bit nuanced and may be confusing for parents at first because they can struggle to understand how to allow children to feel their feelings but teach them to control their behaviors. Also, as parents we sometimes panic when we see outbursts of inappropriate behaviors. We worry that our child will end up being aggressive or a bully, so we

rush to eliminate the behavior instead of working toward teaching them how to manage their behaviors when they feel intense emotions. We need to understand that inappropriate behaviors don’t need to (can’t!) be eradicated immediately. They are primitive and childlike expressions of emotions. Mature and appropriate expression of emotions takes time to develop and learn and it really helps to be okay with that process. Okay, that makes sense. So then what do we do about our out-of-control child? Blimie: Safety is number one. If you are witnessing the behavior you step in and physically stop the behavior by blocking them, removing the object, or removing them and bringing them to a safer space. Then you move directly to empathizing with the child. “Are you so upset because he took your stuff without asking?”

The main thing to focus on is maintaining safety without rejecting the feeling. And then, if you have the presence of mind, and aren’t feeling triggered, you can help the child process the feeling by simply being there and holding space for the child’s feelings. What does holding space for the feeling mean? And does this mean we have to agree with all of our children’s feelings?

It means to be emotionally present for what our child is experiencing, to listen and try to understand where they are coming from. We all yearn to be seen and heard in what is happening for us. This is empathy: just listening to what they are expressing, either verbally or non verbally. We can do this silently or we may also want to express words to re-formulate what we imagine they are experiencing, so we might say something like, “Yeah, do you feel so frustrated and upset hearing me tell you to turn the screen off right in the middle of what you are watching?” Keep in mind that feelings aren’t right or wrong. They simply are. Being present for the feeling and listening to their experience doesn’t mean we agree with what our child is saying. It simply means we are listening. There’s definitely a time and place to help the child see things from a different perspective, once the feeling has been listened to and felt/processed.

Sure. Before we talk about how to deal with the child’s feelings and behaviors, I want us to realize that our child’s behavior, and possibly even their feeling, might trigger intensely unpleasant feelings in us. So it is helpful for us to acknowledge and process our own feelings too. We might be uncomfortable with our own vulnerable feelings so we need to be patient with ourselves.

Does this work with teens? A lot of teens don’t want to express their feelings to their parents and they don’t appreciate it when their parents start “analyzing” or playing therapist.

feeling?” Listening to what they have to say can give us valuable feedback on what we are doing that our child isn’t appreciating. (I’ve learned a lot by doing this!)

This is true, especially with teens who aren’t used to having the room to express their feelings freely. I also want to clarify that empathy is not analyzing our child’s feelings or asking things like “How do you feel?” It’s simply listening with your whole being and sometimes using words to make sure you are understanding them correctly. So be respectful and follow their lead. We don’t want to push our agenda of “feeling and expressing emotions” onto them. We can be there silently listening or we can reformulate to see if we are understanding them.

This sounds like great advice! Any parting words for us?

We can say something like, “Yeah, you really don’t want to have to be home at midnight while all your friends get to stay out late? You’re mad and resentful that I expect that?” By asking them, we make sure we are understanding and not assuming that you know what they are feeling better than they do. Keep in mind that if your teen stops you while you are reformulating what they said, and says something like, “Stop talking like that,” that’s okay; welcome that feeling as well. You can even say something like, “Yeah, you really don’t like that I’m guessing how you’re

Feeling all our feelings means allowing ourselves to touch our vulnerability, which can be a vulnerable experience. Expressing those emotions for others to see can also be very vulnerable because it’s an expression of our truest selves. So it can feel scary at first. To us and to our children. So remember that anything new will bring resistance. Resistance to feeling or expressing emotions is just another sensation and another feeling! It doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong. Try not to take it personally if your child has difficulty with it at first. It takes time and practice. When children feel that they can feel and express their emotions safely, without judgment and with our support, they ultimately learn to be emotionally regulated. This can help them grow up to be adults who are able to process, understand, and express their feelings and ask for what they need in a healthy manner. This helps them in every area of life and in every future relationship. Thank you, Blimie! Looking forward to continuing this conversation.

Blimie Heller is a mom who is passionate about helping parents build relationships with their children based on respect and trust. She can be reached through her website www.blimieheller.com.

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Can you give us an example of how you would react to a child who is hitting another child, breaking things, or slamming a door in anger?

healthy families

The Dating Coach

Weighs In By Sara Freed

T HE DI L EM M A : IS CHIVA L RY D EAD? A little while ago, a 22-year-old woman came to me with concerns about the man she was dating. Specifically, the fact that he was not acting in a chivalrous manner on their dates. He didn’t open the door for her, wait for her to go first into the restaurant, pull out her chair, and so on. On the first date, she brushed it off as being nervous or distracted. But after it happened on the second date, she realized it was just him. And it bothered her. Enough that she started to have serious questions about whether she could get past it. And that’s when she sought my help.

BEFORE YOU ADDRESS “ THE PROBLE M,” LOOK AT WHAT ’ S N OT A PROBLEM One thing I frequently say to people who come to me wanting to deal with a particular relationship issue is to forget about that for a moment and look at the bigger picture. What are the other things that are working? What are the other things that aren’t? Because if you’re addressing just one issue and there are a whole host of other potential problems on the horizon, that’s worth looking at. Alternatively, if everything else seems great but there’s just this one thing, that also matters. In this woman’s case, it really was just the one thing. The man had a laundry list of things she liked: • • •

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• •

He was close to her age, 23, where she was 22. His family background was appealing: He and his family had good community and financial status. He had clear educational and career plans with good financial potential: Torah study for a few years, then become employed in his father’s nursing home business. She had great conversions with him; so important! And they had good chemistry; also important!

The reason I like to do this exercise is because it has a way of putting things into perspective and setting the stage. For what? Work.

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DOING THE WORK OF OVERCOMING A REL ATIONSHIP FRUSTRATION answer so much more than whether he’s willing to be a gentleman for you. Will he be receptive to your needs? Will he care about what is meaningful to you? This will matter in the long term, and it really is better to know this now.

It was good that this young woman had come to me to get guidance…but in all honesty, I wasn’t the one she needed to be talking to. “Have you mentioned your feelings to him?” I asked. “Of course not,” she said. Why not? Because she was afraid of seeming needy, demanding, and critical. A lot of people—especially women—fear expressing their needs to a partner early on. And it’s understandable. We don’t want to put them off. To ruin a relationship that could be great.

“When I was growing up,” he told her, “I saw men doing those things for women. But I thought it was all just for show. I didn’t think it was important. But now that I know it’s important to you, it’s important to me.” Then he went a step further. “Tell me other things that are important to you,” he said. “I want to get to know you and make you happy.” And they got into a conversation about what’s important to her without her having to initiate it!

But here’s the thing: If you can’t respectfully communicate about an issue like this with your partner, the relationship will never become great. Because that really is the backbone of successful long-term relationships: communication. And trust me when I say that over the years there will be a lot you need to talk about. It’s better to practice now when the stakes aren’t quite so high. So that was my task for her: Tell him what she wanted in terms of chivalrous behavior. “Bring it up the next time he picks you up and you’re about to go to the car,” I said. “Say you like that feminine feeling of having the car door opened for you. That kind of thing means a lot to you.” Then I told her to note how he reacts. It will

She followed that advice. Not only did he respond in kind, but he also explained why he hadn’t been doing those things.

That date he opened the car door for her. Let her in the restaurant first. Held out her chair. It was exactly what she wanted. This is the way we learn what our partner needs: by communicating. Otherwise, we’re just doing the things we know or what we think the other person wants. This couple is now married and has several beautiful children together. The lesson here is that if you’re going to keep seeing someone, start with open and honest communication. You’ll be setting yourself up for long-term happiness.

Sara Freed is a professional shadchan and dating, relationship, and marriage coach based in New York. By drawing on her extensive training and personal experiences, she teaches singles and couples the skills they need to find and build happy, lasting relationships and families. A bestselling author, Sara wrote 5 Secrets to Bringing Peace and Happiness to Your Marriage and co-wrote Putting Kids First in Divorce.

healthy families

The Meaningful Marriage Manual By Debbie Selengut

I know, before I start, I can already hear some of your reactions: “But I have no time for what you are suggesting!” So let me answer that right off the bat: yes, you do, and yes, you must! Now, on to the message:

But here is the long-term benefit.

Spending time with your husband. (I was right! You are thinking “I have no time!”)

Making time to enjoy your relationship will help you avoid conflicts in the future and help you feel like partners. Meaning, in a proactive way you are building a solid relationship, a close, communicative relationship that is there for you when you hit a bump. (Everyone hits bumps.) There are serious pressures in life: jobs, children, parents, money, home repairs, health… And many of these pressures are inherent to our lives. We cannot take them away, we cannot change the situation… But we can change us, and if we are a more cohesive, loving and in-sync couple, then we deal with these pressures as a stronger couple. To put that shortly, we cannot necessarily change it, but we can change us.

So here is why it’s great, and here is why you must. So where do we start? • Talk about it. A declared objective is the first step toward change. Let your husband know you want to increase time together, then make your plans together.

Spending time together will help you as a couple in all of the following areas, with immediate and obvious results.

• Put your phone away. Your phone • is a great way to listen to music, listen • to shiurim, and keep up to date with • friends and family. But is your phone • good for your relationship? Many couples • phone snub, or “phub” (a word I just learned), one another. “Phubbing” makes the other person feel alone and irrelevant. (Extra challenge: Phones stay out of bedrooms. At night, charge your phone in the kitchen or any other room, but not your bedroom!) • Playing games together: Board games and other creative outlets are a fun way to spend quality time together. • Take a walk, just the two of you.

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• I know it’s really hard to pull this off, but try to get away for a day or a night together. Swap with a friend or a sister: She gets your children for a day or two and then you’ll watch hers. It can be done!

• Check in with each other during the day. A quick text, a short call—“thinking of you”—goes a long way. (I recently heard a speech by Rabbi YY Jacobson in which he quotes a therapist who says that a couple should not go more than three hours without some form of positive contact!)

Improves communication Bonds couples closer Improves friendship Boosts health Reduces stress

That is life changing. So make the commitment to yourself to make this happen, even if it’s in a small but consistent way. You will enjoy both the immediate and the long-term benefits. Mrs. Debbie Selengut serves as an assistant principal in Bnos Bracha of Passaic. She serves as a consultant in schools and does teacher/new teacher training. She is a graduate of the Yesod Ma’ala New York Regional Fellowship of Principals, a division of Torah Umesorah. She teaches post-high school education, pre-marriage education, parenting and adult education courses. She is married to Rabbi Dovid Selengut, a rebbe at Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy, and a therapist in private practice. She is a mother and grandmother.

healthandheelsmagazine.com

Just One Step healthy humor

By Miri Issacs

“Ma!” Shevy gasped, “where WERE you???” Good question. “I was walking,” I stated the obvious. “But the marathon finished over an hour ago!” “I was trying for slow and steady, but it seems like run fast as you can is more effective.” Shevy rolled her eyes at my lame attempt at humor.

There was no way I was going to blow this one. I called Malky the Faithful and told her I’d registered her too. “You did what???” “Oh, please, Malky. You could probably do it in your sleep.” “Nope. Not me. I DO NOT run in my sleep.” “You know what I mean. This will be a cinch. It’s similar to walking, and you do that all the time.”

“I don’t know,” I answered her honestly. I just don’t know.

“Remind me again what possessed you to do something so ridiculous?”

“You know you have to train for these things,” he said between fits of laughter. “Oh, stop being so dramatic.” But he was already reminiscing about all the other projects I had started and hadn’t finished Spring Issue

“Laugh now,” I told him, “but he who laughs last, laughs best.”

“What happened??” she demanded.

When I signed up to run the “2k for our K(ids),” I thought it was a great idea. Great cause, lots of fun, plus I’d get to finally cross “run a marathon” off my bucket list! My husband didn’t. He outright laughed in my face.

become a maestro pianist, and the culinary school you attended so that we can open a restaurant, and the camp for struggling children that is still swampland…”

“… And the piano in the basement that we bought when you were going to

“It’s a great cause. 2k for our K(ids).” “What exactly is 2k for our K?” “Uhhhh, you got me. I’m not sure but I know it’s important. It’s our chance to make a difference!” “I’ve been making a difference all this time,” she countered, “in my very own home. But I’m going to say yes, only because I know how much you’ve been wanting to run a marathon.” Malky’s a good friend like that. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Whew, I am so relieved. I thought you’d really ditch me, but they don’t call you Malky the Faithful for nothing.” “Malky the Faithful or Malky the Total Pushover?” “Oh, stop. We’re gonna have a blast.”

“I’m not convinced.” … And that’s how we found ourselves traipsing around the lake waay too early the next morning. We ran the first four minutes until I discovered it was hard! Who would’ve thunk? We took some breaks but mostly pushed through the twenty minutes of running we had planned for that day. The next day was raining so we canceled. The day after we ran again and I felt my stamina increase ever so slightly. Only three more weeks and four days to the marathon! I could totally do this! The next time I ran wasn’t till an entire week and a half later. Malky had been going every morning since with or without me, rain or shine (Malky the Faithful, remember?), but I, well, I… didn’t. There was so much going on. An upsherin, a graduation, and then one day I absolutely had to catch up on sleep. Besides, it’s just running. Everyone knows how to run! A week before go-time I got right back into it, running alongside Malky and then a little behind Malky and then waiting for Malky to come around on her next circle. But this was just the practice. I would for sure do better at the Real Thing. I managed

to get in another few trainings that next week…and then suddenly it was the Real Thing. I laced up my new sneakers that my husband (who had stopped laughing by now) had bought to show his support and grabbed a quick breakfast. My daughter, Shevy, was already waiting for me in the car. We picked up Malky and her cheerleading squad and we were on our way. The park was filled with people. It seemed the whole community had come out to wave us on. Teenage girls walked around handing out bumper stickers to all the runners. In another corner, one of the organizers was handing out water bottles, urging us to stay hydrated during our run. I was bouncing on my heels pumped with all the excitement and a little too much caffeine, when the organizer gathered us to the front line. After

a brief explanation of what the organization does (I had been wondering) and how much she admired all us runners, she outlined the exact course of the run and then she blew her whistle! The marathon had officially begun. It suddenly dawned on me that this was serious. I was facing a 2k run all by myself. I took a very, very deep breath and I ran for all I was worth. When I looked up, I wasn’t very far from the starting line. “I’d better take it down to a jog,” my rational self realized, “or I will never make it till the end,” so I took it to a jog. I easily jogged the next twenty minutes’ worth and then realized that I really should’ve trained more before attempting this. I was about halfway through when I could. not. move. anymore. My every muscle was making itself known by way of painful spasms, my lungs felt like they were on fire, and my legs were refusing to support me any longer. My husband, Shalom, would surely have a field day when I called him to come pick me up from the middle

of nowhere…except that I realized he couldn’t access this remote area by car, and there was no cell phone service here in the middle of no man’s land. I waited for someone, anyone, to appear so that I could appeal for mercy. When no one did, it occurred to me that the other runners were probably waaay ahead of me, which meant that I was utterly and truly alone. After a quick meltdown I accessed my Rational Self again. “Gotta get through this one way or another,” R.S. told me. “You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other.” I started walking, chanting audibly to myself, “One step, one step, one step,” and I watched my feet miraculously move one foot and then another. One step. One step. One step. And finally, somehow, I made it to the finish line and collapsed onto the ground. My “one steps” had finally run out, but it no longer mattered. I had made it! I had completed an entire marathon. I also learned that anything is possible if you take it one step, one step, one step at a time.

Miri Issacs is a humor writer, copywriter and full-time mom. She can be found on LinkedIn and miriissacs@gmail.com.

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healthy humor

The Chol Hamoed Guide By Miri Issacs

This article is not an attempt to give you ideas where to go. You already have one of those and so does everyone else.

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I don’t know why people think they will open the same guidebook year after year and find something new they never heard of before and no one else did either! You think they make that whole fancy section of the newspaper just for you?? They don’t. Everywhere you want to go is already jam- packed with other Jews looking to get away from the rest of the Jews. You can stay home for the same experience and invite everyone to cram themselves into your house and wait on line for the bathroom. In this guide I will share some advice and tips so you don’t have to learn the hard way. You’re welcome!

#2 Just don’t go to an amusement park with three little people who need a constant supply of food. Take only people who have already been fasting

anyway since Rosh Chodesh Nisan.

#3 Or stay away altogether. Everyone else is already there. #4 The best things in life are free. #1 Do not try this at home: To fully appreciate this tip, you need to hear the whole story: Once upon a time we thought it would be a great idea to take our three-year-old, eighteen-month-old, and newborn to Six Flags amusement park for Chol Hamoed. Don’t laugh. We have grown up since then… We packed up a good lunch (matzah, eggs, apples), some snacks (matzah, eggs, apples), and lots of nosh (matzah, eggs, and apples) and drove off. If you’re perceptive, you might’ve picked up on these two factors: 1. We are very limited in the foods we eat on Pesach. 2. Apples need to be peeled and cut up (okay, you couldn’t have known for sure, but we don’t eat peels on Pesach), so we needed to bring along a knife. We got there around lunch time and looked around for a grassy field to set up our picnic. When we finished eating we packed up our stuff and continued on to the amusement park. When we got there we realized that many, many, many other people had the same bright idea as us that day. We were stuck in a veeeery long line waiting for a security check. Every single bag had to be fully inspected and countless people ahead of us were getting sent back to their cars with terrifying contraband such as baby fingers, macaroons, or even… (gasp) a bar of chocolate! In my head I was judging all the people for not checking their bags themselves and getting rid of all their food before getting into line and causing us massive delays *foreshadow*. We got to the front of the line and the security guy unzipped the diaper bag that was loaded with diapers, wipes, bibs, and other baby paraphernalia, and right there, on the top, was a big black KITCHEN KNIFE!! I tried telling him that it was a mistake and that he could keep it. Nothing doing. The guard radioed for backup and we were treated to a full interrogation in front of the entire line of people who were stamping their feet impatiently wondering why the terrorist in the shtreimel didn’t just go to jail and leave everyone alone. … So tip #1 would be: Don’t bring knives into amusement parks, and

Another version: Sometimes you can get away with free. Like the time we went on an escalator. We drove to Ikea and went straight for the escalator. Up, then down, then up again and down again. We did spend money on a soda that we got (one for the boys to share, one for the girls to share) and we had a blast! Don’t tell anyone, though; my kids won’t live it down. But in my defense, I can tell them about the time my parents took us on an hour and a half trip to Newark Airport. We got to see planes take off!!! And land!!! And we got to go on a monorail!!! And see business people rushing around actually going places while we just gawked!!! I’m not going to pretend we didn’t think it was the coolest thing! We did. Which reminds me of a really clever woman, a mom of a bunch of kids who was living on a small budget and recognized a real opportunity when corona hit. Her kids had never gone on a plane before because of said budget issues and now tickets cost less than a loaf of bread! She booked the cheapest flight she could find, destination: who cares? The whole family flew to an airport far away. They even had a stopover in a third destination! When they got there they turned around and came right back! Now, why didn’t I think of that?

#5 The kids will come home crying anyway so you might as well save yourself a couple hundred bucks. This I learned the same year we did the

escalator. Thinking we were geniuses (okay, let’s be real, that was pretty brilliant), we decided to try to pull another one on the poor Issacs family. We took them to a car wash. Everyone was all pumped for the event, but as soon as we drove through those giant mop-looking things that roll over the car, the shrieking started! Turns out they were terrified of mop-looking things that roll over the car. And the soap suds that cover the window. They were trembling in fear by the time we left, which in retrospect is not vastly different from going to an amusement park, so I suppose we did pretty well.

#6 Learn to live with tantrums. This one is similar to tip #5 but not limited to little kids. Sigh. A lesson I’m trying not to believe is that you don’t outgrow tantruming. Like ever. I remember my oldest sister checking in with my mother when her two-year-old was going through a phase. Mom: Don’t worry. It’s just a phase. Sister: How long will it last? Mom: Oh, about 20 years or so. And then hopefully it will be someone else’s problem. But until then there will be whining. Whining about where you did go, whining about where you did not go, and whining about where you will go tomorrow.

#7-End. I’m still learning on the job. I’ll let you know what I come up with after this year’s trips!

Miri Issacs is a humor writer, copywriter and full-time mom. She can be found on LinkedIn and miriissacs@gmail.com.

healthandheelsmagazine.com

healthy humor

L A ST LICKS

Maya's Confession by Maya Karasanti

When I hit my goal weight, I still can’t have a tub of ice cream?! “Oh, the horror!” I say as I pull my icecream-covered face out of a tub. So apparently... going back to old habits will bring you back to square one, or, worse, you’ll gain more weight back than you started with. No matter how many times I’ve been told this, it doesn’t seem to register. Nom nom on my ice cream.

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I mean, come on. We’re talking about frozen, creamy, yummy goodness... hopefully with all sorts of crunchy and sweet toppings...maybe some whipped cream...and don’t be cheap on the cherries!

Okay, Maya... stop salivating! So let’s have a real moment here. It’s clear that no matter what you do, if you go back to bad eating habits, of course the weight will come back. No matter what program you choose or how long you’ve been on it, going back means exactly that: going back. Back to unhealthy foods and eating patterns, back to a less-healthy lifestyle, back to the weight you wanted to get off and keep off. Yes... back to square one.

But when you smarten up and leave the “Maya bubble” you’ll realize that by the time you reach maintenance, it’s that much easier. You know…’cause like...the journey conditions you and all that stuff. But until then, meet me at a quarter to ice cream o’clock at 1 Square One Boulevard to join the denial party. Make sure to bring a tub of ice cream because I’m already done with this one. Thank you!

Maya Karasanti has always believed that smiles are contagious and we should all be humorously infectious. Throughout her life, Maya has always enjoyed putting smiles on people’s faces, whether friends, family, at her job and even strangers. A simple smile does go a long way. It’s no wonder she brings her sassy sense of humor to Nutrition by Tanya and Health & Heels. She loves to put a humorous twist to most situations, especially dieting. Make sure to check out Nutrition by Tanya social media to see videos on her take on nutrition.

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