“I can’t say no” — Making boundaries as we age

What our traditions teach us about growing old.

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello

When the call came, Walter knew it was best to respond somewhere private where his wife, Elaine, wouldn’t hear. Walter chose the patio and quietly closed the sliding door behind him. The call was from their daughter, giddy with plans for another visit. This time, the visit would include their teenage sons — four adults for a 10-day stay in Walter and Elaine’s medium size condo.

Now that airline tickets had been purchased, Walter knew he had to tell Elaine, especially because the daughter’s visit would require canceling the little get-away Walter and Elaine had planned. Suffice it to say the argument that ensued had Walter sleeping in his lounge chair that night. The next morning, when apologies had been made and hugs and kisses exchanged, Elaine took Walter’s hand and said, “Sweetie, I’ve seen how you can’t say no, not to our daughter, not to anyone. We’ve got to talk about boundaries!”

Walter and Elaine are not the first family to have issues with setting boundaries with family and friends. Indeed, in a series of three articles, (“Building Up Healthy Boundaries, Momentum online journal), psychologist and educator Chaya Lester shares her expertise on the subject and uses Hebrew letters to make her point.

Without healthy boundaries our families fall to pieces.

Lester says, “Our sages teach us that the Hebrew letter beit sounds like bayit, the Hebrew word for house or home.”

She asks us to look carefully at the shape of the letter beit ב, which not only sounds like the Hebrew word for house, but it looks like a house as well. “The beit has a wall, a roof a floor and an open door.”

Lester goes on to explain that “The letter beit cannot stand without its wall. And a bayit cannot stand without walls, either." The metaphorical walls of our homes are our boundaries. Without healthy boundaries our families fall to pieces.

Boundaries are our best allies when it comes to building truly joyful homes. Lester quotes author and podcaster, Brené Brown when she says, “Compassionate people are ‘boundaried’ people … They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.”

Author Diane Bruno would agree. Thanks to Bruno (“Navigating Family Dynamics Later in Life – Boundaries Are Key” (Feb. 14, 2024, Sixty and Me), we learn that establishing and enforcing boundaries are critically important for older adults, especially when circumstances, such as retirement or health issues, cause physical or emotional lifestyle changes.

For Walter and Elaine, their retirement from a large family home to a modest condominium brought about a change that did not easily accommodate four adult guests for 10 days — even when those guests are family members. Unfortunately, Walter avoided what he anticipated would be a difficult conversation. He and Elaine had not set boundaries and as a result, the “Shalom Bayit,” the “Peace in the Home,” was negatively affected.

Bruno emphasizes that “enforcing boundaries requires firmness and assertiveness, even in the face of resistance or pushback from family members. Individuals must be willing to uphold their boundaries consistently and without apology, even if it means confronting discomfort or conflict.”

How do families effectively set boundaries? Bruno offers several suggestions: “Start by understanding your own needs, values and limits and reflect on past experiences to identify patterns where boundaries may be necessary.”

In a subsequent conversation with Elaine, Walter admitted that an inability to say no has plagued him all his life. He recalled many occasions when friends and neighbors asked for favors or just wanted to talk. “I canceled shopping trips, pickleball practice and even my own quiet time. I never said no.”

When our sages taught about Jewish prayer, they focused on a phrase that in modern times has been adopted by the mindfulness community. The phrase is “ hitpallel ,” which means “to inspect ourselves” or, in modern terms, “to practice introspection.” We look inside, say our sages. We are honest and we ask, “What things do I need to change about myself so that I will receive the good things in life?”

Walter has begun the process. He says, “It’s not easy but I’m learning that no is a complete sentence.”

For 10 years Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Her most popular columns are now published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and works in Italy where she is rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at Rabbi@ RabbiBarbara.com.