When grandparents and grandkids are separated by divorce

Aging Jewishly — What our traditions teach us about growing old

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello

Ken shouted to his partner as he tugged his bicycle into the foyer of the condo they shared. “I’m sorry I’m late but it’s such a beautiful day…” Ken stopped in mid-sentence when he noticed Cammy’s red nose, teary eyes and wadded up hanky. Clearly, she’d been crying. Ken ran to her side. “My darling, what is it? Tell me. Has something terrible happened? To Kaylee?”

Cammy looked up and sniffed. Kaylee, Cammy’s 8-year-old granddaughter had just spent the entire afternoon with her grandmother, “Grammy Cammy," as Kaylee liked to say. Cammy shook her head. “No, it’s not Kaylee. It’s Robin. When she came to get Kaylee, she pulled me aside and whispered, “We’re going to take a break from these visits, at least until the divorce is worked out.”

Cammy was stunned. Her daughterin-law was divorcing Cammy’s son, Mike. Certainly, things were a bit dicey but up to this point, the acrimony between Robin and Mike hadn’t disturbed Kaylee’s daily after-school visits to her “Grammy Cammy.”

Later, Robin disclosed that she felt like Cammy was taking Mike’s side and judging her. “After all, Mike is your son, Robin said. “He’s telling you only his side of the story. Kaylee will sense how you feel about me. So it’s best if we try the after-school day care program until things calm down.”

Sadly, the calming period that Robin mentioned and that Cammy prayed for never came. Weeks turned into months and with the exception of Kaylee’s phone calls made from her Dad’s apartment, Kaylee’s relationship with Grammy Cammy was defunct.

Ken saw the changes in Cammy and sprang into action. Late nights at the computer netted a wealth of information on grandparents’ rights. And first on Ken’s list was the sad fact that Cammy was not alone.

…even after a divorce, grandparents should have the right to be apart of their grandchildren’s lives.

Journalist Brian Joslyn reports in the online publication, Sixty and Me (“Navigating Legal Issues surrounding grandparents Rights and Child Custody,” Oct. 30, 2023) that “grandparents often play a significant role in the upbringing of grandchildren either by providing essential support or even assuming the role of primary caregiver, confirming the staggering statistic that 2.7 million grandparents dedicate long hours to the upbringing of another generation — their own grandchildren.

When Ken shared these statistics with Cammy, she was astounded. “You mean millions of grandparents are caring for their grandkids like I was for Kaylee. Don’t we have any say? Don’t we have any rights?”

Thanks to Ken’s diligence, Cammy learned more. In fact, Attorney Laura D. Heard directly addressed Cammy’s concerns in her recent article “What Rights do Grandparents Have after a Child’s Parents Divorce?” (Feb. 24, 2022). First, the bad news; Ms. Heard references a U.S. Supreme Court decision, Troxel v. Granville (2000), “that held that grandparents have no absolute legal right to visit a grandchild without a parent’s consent, even if the visits are in a child’s best interests.”

Ms. Heard emphasizes that although the law applies nationwide, individual states have some wiggle room to craft their own laws that offer grandparents legal recourse. That’s because each state has its own requirements that often include mediation processes that allow families to reach a visitation agreement without the added stress of court room drama. Suffice it to say that most judges and mediators understand that even after a divorce, grandparents should have the right to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives.

When we turn to Jewish tradition, Rabbi Elliot Dorff (American Jewish University, “The Importance of Grandparents,” 2000) puts it well when he writes about the importance of grandparents. Rabbi Dorff quotes the Psalmist who writes, "It is considered a great blessing to see your grandchildren.” While the Talmud tackles the role of grandparents with specific direction in that not only do parents have the duty to teach Torah to their children; grandparents do as well. (B. Kiddushin 30a).

From the bench or from the bima, conventional wisdom indicates that a consistent relationship with grandchildren, a relationship like the one that Grammy Cammy shared with Kaylee, is worth preserving. It’s a bond that’s worth fighting for.

For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Her most popular columns are now published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and works in Italy, where she is rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at rabbi@rabbibarbara.com.