JEWISH INTEREST
December 2023
Federation Star
31
When grandparents and grandkids are separated by divorce Aging Jewishly — What our traditions teach us about growing old By Rabbi Barbara Aiello
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ammy, I’m home!” judging her. “After all, Mike Ken shouted to is your son, Robin said. “He’s his partner as telling you only his side of he tugged his bicycle into the story. Kaylee will sense the foyer of the condo they how you feel about me. So it’s shared. “I’m sorry I’m late but best if we try the after-school it’s such a beautiful day…” day care program until things Ken stopped in mid-sentence calm down.” when he noticed Cammy’s Sadly, the calming period red nose, teary eyes and that Robin mentioned and wadded up hanky. Clearly, that Cammy prayed for she’d been crying. Ken ran never came. Weeks turned Rabbi Barbara to her side. “My darling, into months and with the Aiello what is it? Tell me. Has someexception of Kaylee’s phone thing terrible happened? To Kaylee?” calls made from her Dad’s apartment, Cammy looked up and sniffed. Kaylee, Kaylee’s relationship with Grammy Cammy’s 8-year-old granddaughter had Cammy was defunct. just spent the entire afternoon with her Ken saw the changes in Cammy and grandmother, “Grammy Cammy," as sprang into action. Late nights at the Kaylee liked to say. Cammy shook her computer netted a wealth of informahead. “No, it’s not Kaylee. It’s Robin. tion on grandparents’ rights. And first on When she came to get Kaylee, she pulled Ken’s list was the sad fact that Cammy me aside and whispered, “We’re going was not alone. to take a break from these visits, at least Journalist Brian Joslyn reports in until the divorce is worked out.” the online publication, Sixty and Me Cammy was stunned. Her daughter(“Navigating Legal Issues surrounding in-law was divorcing Cammy’s son, grandparents Rights and Child Custody,” Mike. Certainly, things were a bit dicey Oct. 30, 2023) that “grandparents often but up to this point, the acrimony play a significant role in the upbringing between Robin and Mike hadn’t disturbed of grandchildren either by providing Kaylee’s daily after-school visits to her essential support or even assuming the “Grammy Cammy.” role of primary caregiver, confirming Later, Robin disclosed that she felt the staggering statistic that 2.7 million like Cammy was taking Mike’s side and grandparents dedicate long hours to the
upbringing of another generation — their and mediators understand that even own grandchildren. after a divorce, grandparents should When Ken shared these statistics with have the right to be a part of their grandCammy, she was astounded. “You mean children’s lives. millions of grandparents are caring for When we turn to Jewish tradition, their grandkids like I was for Kaylee. Rabbi Elliot Dorff (American Jewish Don’t we have any say? Don’t we have University, “The Importance of Grandany rights?” parents,” 2000) puts it well when he Thanks to Ken’s diligence, Cammy writes about the importance of grandparlearned more. In fact, Attorney Laura D. ents. Rabbi Dorff quotes the Psalmist who Heard directly addressed Cammy’s conwrites, "It is considered a great blessing to cerns in her recent article “What Rights see your grandchildren.” While the Taldo Grandparents Have after a Child’s mud tackles the role of grandparents with Parents Divorce?” (Feb. 24, 2022). First, specific direction in that not only do parthe bad news; Ms. Heard references a U.S. ents have the duty to teach Torah to their Supreme Court decichildren; grandparents do as sion, Troxel v. Granville well. (B. Kiddushin 30a). …even after a (2000), “that held that From the bench or grandparents have no divorce, grandparents from the bima, convenabsolute legal right to should have the right tional wisdom indicates visit a grandchild witha consistent relationto be a part of their that out a parent’s consent, ship with grandchildren, a even if the visits are in grandchildren’s lives. relationship like the one that a child’s best interests.” Grammy Cammy shared Ms. Heard emphasizes that although with Kaylee, is worth preserving. It’s a the law applies nationwide, individual bond that’s worth fighting for. states have some wiggle room to craft For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello served their own laws that offer grandparents the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident legal recourse. That’s because each state rabbi. Her most popular columns are now has its own requirements that often published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” include mediation processes that allow available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara families to reach a visitation agreement now lives and works in Italy, where she is without the added stress of court room rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. drama. Suffice it to say that most judges Contact her at rabbi@rabbibarbara.com.
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