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It's never too early to make amends
Aging Jewishly– What our traditions teach us about growing old
By Rabbi Barbara Aiello
And, indeed, they did. Rachel’s father, Ari’s beloved Poppy, organized a perfect day that began with fishing from the local pier followed by a race around the go-kart track and topped off with a pizza picnic in the local park.
As Poppy headed for the door, Ari couldn’t resist giving him one last hug. “Thanks, Poppy. You’re the best.”
Later that evening, when Ari was asleep and definitely out of earshot, Rachel could no longer contain her frustration. Sharing a pot of tea with Ari’s dad, Josh, Rachel’s tears said it all. “You know, Josh, I love seeing my dad and Ari together. Dad adores him and Ari loves his Poppy. I’m happy they have this special relationship but when I think back to my growing up, I get so resentful. Dad was never there for me.”
Rachel’s lament included bitter memories of years when her father’s workaholic behavior kept him far from his family, especially his daughter. Her dad regularly missed sporting events, school performances and sometimes even her birthday. “Spending a day with my dad, like Ari did today, would have been wonderful. But I get so upset when I see Ari getting what I never had and I wonder, ‘Does Dad ever think about what he missed?’”
“Every day,” says Rachel’s father, as he regaled Rachel’s mom with the details of his day spent with Ari. “Every day, I think about the time I wasted writing one more memo, making one more phone call, taking one more business trip. And, before I knew it, Rachel was grown and out of the house. Spending time with Ari shows me how much I missed with Rachel. I’m trying to make it up to her by being a better grandfather than I was a dad.”
Writing in the online publication, “Family,” Ann Richardson explains that it is not uncommon for grandparents to view “…their new relationship with their grandchildren as a perfect opportunity to make amends.” However, Ms. Richardson cautions that, although making these “second-hand” amends may be soothing for the grandparents, their children may harbor resentment that they missed out on the special relationship and attention that the grandchildren now enjoy.
“Seems like an apology is in order,” said Rachel’s mother as she rubbed her husband’s shoulders. “You’re doing well with Ari but you need to explain to Rachel how your relationship with Ari brings back so many memories of the time you lost with your own daughter.”
Rachel’s mother’s advice to her husband is imbedded in the ancient Jewish tradition of “teshuvah,” which includes admitting what we’ve done wrong and making a face-to-face apology to the person we’ve harmed. In fact, a guiding principle of atonement is emphasized during the Yom Kippur service where we hear the words of the Mishna, “For transgressions between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones; however, for transgressions between a person and another, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases the other person.”
Although Rachel’s father understood his Jewish traditions regarding asking forgiveness, he was reluctant to approach his daughter. “Can’t Rachel see that I’ve changed? Isn’t it obvious that the attention I give to Ari is my way of making it up to her?”
Certainly, Rachel can see that her father has changed, but the hurt is deep and the residual resentment profound. That’s why it is essential to speak directly to the person we’ve wronged. Rachel’s father needed to admit his mistakes out loud.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks (z”l) spoke to this issue when he wrote, “I forgive you because, when you admit you did wrong, express remorse and do all you can to make amends, especially when I see that, given the opportunity … to repeat the crime, you do not do so because you have changed …”
The relationship between Rachel and her father will be strengthened if and when her father acknowledges, directly to Rachel, the hurt he caused by his neglect.
Asking forgiveness and reaping the emotional rewards that come with an honest “I’m sorry” need not wait for a once-a-year observance. Restoring a relationship by making amends is an ancient tradition available to all of us, at any time.
For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Her most popular columns are now published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and works in Italy, where she is rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at rabbi@rabbibarbara.com.
