Awareness Wristbands
Page xxx
FUN THAT WON’T COST YOU AN ARM AND A LEG.
Seems like everything’s a little more expensive these days… whether it’s my favorite store-brand hot dogs or the cost of doggy daycare for my darling pooch Barfbag, a dollar just doesn’t go as far as it used to. Introducing Cheap Thrills: a new collection of high-value products that anyone can afford—even that uncle of yours who lives in a van down by the river.
The fine folks at Whiskey River (that’s us) have decided to offer up their dead-clever machinations on products that won’t break the bank, or your sister Mandy’s third arm again. And at under a ten-spot, all these nifty newbies will likely sell themselves.
AIR FRESHENERS
Hey, what stinks? Not you, now that you have your very own air freshener to haul around. With any luck, people will quit running for the hills when you open your mouth to say something… Or ya know, you could start brushing your teeth a little more often. Either works!
Air Fresheners:
Designed-in-USA air fresheners with two-sided backer cards and scents to match each unique concept.
Air freshener size: 3 ⅓″ W × 4 ⅓″ H.
Package size: 3 ¾″ W × 9″ H. Double-sided, full-color.
Sold in packs of 4.
THE WEIRD KID SCISSORS
KINDERGARTEN GLUE SCENT
F-LEFTY
“OUT OF MANY, ONE.”
Abraham Lincoln A Lefty
OLD-SCHOOL LIP BALM TINS
Problem: It’s difficult keeping your lips moisturized with all the boring lip balms available today. Solution: Whiskey River Lip Balm Tins. ’Nuff said.
Old-School Lip Balm Tins: Made-in-USA lip balm tins. 5 different flavors: vanilla, mint, blue raspberry, cherry, and original. Lip balm tin size: 3 ½″ W × 3″ H. Sold in packs of 40.
THE “DON’T GIMME NO LIP” BALM
Face it, lips are the eyes to the hole. Pie hole, that is. And if you’re a constant yapper like me, yapping at everyone you meet on the street, you’re gonna want to keep your pie hole freshly lubed. Trust me on this one. Back in ’02 I almost lost my lips debating the merits of cremation over mummification with my nowdeceased parole officer Tim. You do not want to detail the ancient Egyptian embalming method with lips like coarsegrit sand paper. And I know what you’re thinking, “but lip balms have no personality,” and you’re right, up until now. A stylish chap like you needs lip balm that reflects your unique attitude. That’s where we come in. We now present “Don’t Gimme No Lip Balm” for your Oscars consideration.
Old-School Lip Balm
Tins Set A (Explicit):
4 units of each lip balm tin style; a total of 40 lip balm tins. Ships in counter-top display box.
VANILLA FLAVOR
MINT FLAVOR
BLUE RASPBERRY FLAVOR
CHERRY FLAVOR
ORIGINAL FLAVOR
VANILLA FLAVOR
MINT FLAVOR
BLUE RASPBERRY FLAVOR
CHERRY FLAVOR
ORIGINAL FLAVOR
Old-School Lip Balm Tins CounterTop Display Box: Sturdy paperboard POP display holds 40 lip balm tins and is included with each lip balm collection. Display box size: 4 ¼″ W × 5 ⅜″ D × 6 ½″ H.
LEGENDARY LIP BALM
When we were kids the air was a little fresher and the lip balm was a little sweeter. I guess that’s ’cause they used cane sugar instead of corn syrup back then—or maybe it had something to do with the radiation from all that nuclear testing… Either way, we felt there was something missing from the balms on display at our local five and dime. So we set off on a mission to bring the world a taste of what we remember from the good ol’ days: Old-School Lip Balm Tins. We scoured Aunt Bobbi’s attic and the local flea markets for the perfect tin design: something that said ‘vintage chic,’ with a hint of ‘I survived Watergate.’ We combed through the archives to develop flavors so authentic you could swear you’re kissing your high school sweetheart at the county fair—minus the awkward braces. And we delved into the depths of our nostalgia-soaked psyche to bring you full-color, soft touch labels that recall those halcyon days when you could get a lip balm for a nickle and the world seemed just a little nicer. -Grandma Boo
Old-School Lip Balm
Tins Set B (Clean):
4 units of each lip balm tin style; a total of 40 lip balm tins. Ships in counter-top display box.
VANILLA FLAVOR
MINT FLAVOR
BLUE RASPBERRY FLAVOR
CHERRY FLAVOR
ORIGINAL FLAVOR
VANILLA FLAVOR
MINT FLAVOR
BLUE RASPBERRY FLAVOR
CHERRY FLAVOR
ORIGINAL FLAVOR
LIP-B
AWARENESS BANDS
Not just for disgraced former pro cyclists anymore… Our new Awareness Bands can be worn by anyone with something to say.
Awareness Wristbands: Made-in-USA silicone wristbands with debossed and ink-filled lettering.
Dimensions: ½″ H × 4″ D. Sold in packs of 44. Ships in counter-top display box.
BE AWARE BANDS
Some people just never seem to be aware of what’s going on around them… You know the type, the person who misses their bus stop or holds up traffic, sitting at a green light daydreaming. Now you can help them out with our new Be Aware Bands bracelets! No longer will the unaware among us have to wonder if you’re a Dog Person or whether you’re already “Peopled Out” for the day. Your wrist will tell the story loud and clear. You’re welcome.
Awareness Wristbands
Set A (Clean):
2 units of each awareness band style; a total of 44 wristbands. Ships in counter-top display box.
BEWARE BANDS
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a little… “prickly”? Are you the kind of person people might describe as “difficult,” or an “unpredictable bitch”? We can relate.
Presenting our new Beware Bands silicone bracelets. Now you can be reminded of your hard-earned infamy every time you look down at your wrist. We think that’s pretty great, and if you don’t agree… well you can piss off, ya bloody wanker.
Awareness Wristbands
Set B (Explicit):
2 units of each awareness band style; a total of 44 wristbands. Ships in counter-top display box.
BAND-B
DISPLAYS FOR DAYS…
Awareness Bands
Counter-Top Display:
Sturdy paperboard POP display holds 44 awareness bands and is included with each collection. Display
size: 6″ W × 6″ D × 9 ½″ H.
BAND-DISP
Psst… there’s a Be Aware Bands display too, in case you were wondering.
Hidden Fortune Candles
We love Chinese food and all, but honestly the best part is the fortune cookie. And since Veggie Lo Mein is now off-limits–Atkins, man–we had the boys in the lab cook these babies up instead. Through the ancient science of heat and light, your fortune will appear as the candle burns. Confucius said, “Better to light one small candle than curse the darkness.” Smart guy.
Hidden Fortune Candles: Duo-wick soy wax candle with heat-sensitive label.
Size: 3 ½″ H × 3 ¼″ D. Burn time: 40 hours.
Net weight: 9 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.
Each candle pack comes with four different fortunes!
ADULT
CATEGORY
ROSE PATCHOULI SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
ANCIENT WISDOM
CATEGORY
CILANTRO WASABI SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES 4-ADU 4-ANC
CAREER
CATEGORY
OCEAN CYPRESS SCENT
HAPPINESS
CATEGORY
AMBER HONEY SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES 4-HAP 4-CAR
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
LOVE CATEGORY
SAGE SANDALWOOD SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
DASH OF PROFANITY
CATEGORY
MANDARIN VANILLA SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
LUCK
CATEGORY
BAMBOO FOREST SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
SOCIAL
CATEGORY
MINT GRAPEFRUIT SCENT
FOUR DIFFERENT HIDDEN FORTUNES
Triple Milled Soap Bars
Comes with Display
When ordered as a prepack. Holds 16 total units, 4 each style.
In the beginning there was soap. Then candles. And pencils and pens and puzzles and stickers. Now soap, again. Triple milled and made in the USA. Packed in a legendary cardboard carton. Shipped in a revolutionary display box. Soap’s back and better than ever.
Triple Milled Soap Bars: 16 different soap bars in sturdy paperboard cartons. Carton size: 3 ¾″ L × 2 ½″ W × 1 ⅛″ D.
Sold as pre-packs of 4 styles, 16 total soap bars. Also available to order individually in packs of 4. Net weight: 3 ounces.
provide sample to match. Please indicate
delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby
other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and
submit artwork to other vendors).
Please place art work on this die line and return to Twincraft according to the following:
• A PDF of the master le for review
• Convert all fonts to outlines
• Include all fonts as a back up
• Text should be at least 6pt.(positive) and at least 6pt. (negative)
• Include all linked images and graphics even if you have embedded them. All Rasterized graphics/photos must be at least 300 dpi placed at 100%, Bitmap graphics must be at least 1200 dpi placed at 100%)
• Convert all fonts to outlines
• Include all fonts as a back up
• Text should be at least 6pt.(positive) and at least 6pt. (negative)
• Include all linked images and graphics even if you have embedded them. All Rasterized graphics/photos must be at least 300 dpi placed at 100%, Bitmap graphics must be at least 1200 dpi placed at 100%)
• Must include bleed of .125” past the trim if there is printing all the way to the edge of your project
• Must include bleed of .125” past the trim if there is printing all the way to the edge of your project
• Keep all text and graphics .0625” away from folds and edges –unless bleed is needed then use the .125” bleed
• Keep all text and graphics .0625” away from folds and edges –unless bleed is needed then use the .125” bleed
• Projects that are supposed to print in 4 color process (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not RGB, LAB or Indexed. If your project is to be printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be saved that way. Delete any unused colors in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved in Grayscale color mode and line art needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode
• Projects that are supposed to print in 4 color process (CMYK) should be saved as CMYK color mode not RGB, LAB or Indexed. If your project is to be printed using Pantone (PMS or Spot) colors it should be saved that way. Delete any unused colors in the color pallet. Black and White images need to be saved in Grayscale color mode and line art needs to be saved in Bitmap color mode
• Please complete color keyindicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom color is used you must provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish typegloss or
• By accepting delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any
• Please complete color keyindicate PMS/Match colors used and delete any unused boxes. If custom color is used you must provide sample to match. Please indicate desired nish typeor matte.
• By accepting delivery of this die line from Twincraft, you hereby agree not to use such die line for any purpose other than submitting artwork to Twincraft (and speci cally agree not to use the die line to
Relive the halcyon days of your youth… or maybe your grandma’s youth. I don’t know how old you are. One thing I do know: our triple-milled soap is sure to transport you somewhere. Whether that’s to a 70’s home disco, 50’s bathtub, or 80’s basement is up to you! Just remember: tell ’em Ballet Bob sent ya!
Soap Collection C: 4 units of each soap; 16 total units. Ships in counter-top display box. Soap dimensions: 7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L.
SUDS & BUDS
What’s better than sharing a nice bath with your dog while the cat watches from the sink? Nothing, that’s what. Scrubbing away all those weeks of stale B.O. will leave you feeling like the GOAT! And you don’t have to take my word for it either, just take a gander at these here soaps to the left… you’ll get the picture my friend.
Soap Collection D: 4 units of each soap; 16 total units. Ships in counter-top display box. Soap dimensions: 7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L.
STROLL IN
PETTY PANSIES SCENT
S-BATHS
S-PETTY
Jigsaw Puzzles
Wanna get your puzzle on?
We’ve been hooked on these little time-wasters for years now. And when winter hits? You can burn them for warmth.
Fantasy Destination Jigsaw Puzzles:
1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes. Box size: 8″ × 10″.
Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″.
6 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.
Notorious Awards Pen Sets
Here’s to the crazy bitches. The poor sports. The bad moms. The petty criminals. The ones who use grammar different. The ones who swear prolifically. While some may see them as notorious, we see real winners.
Pen Sets:
4 black ink ballpoint click pens in a colorful and sturdy 2-piece box. Pen size: 5 ½″ L × ⅜″ W. Box size: 5 ⅝″ L × 1 ⅛″ W × 1 ⅛″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
Holds four each of all six styles. Size: 7″ L × 6″ W × 11 ¼″ H. See Page 110
A SHOCKING NUMBER OF WINNERS!
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Spelling Deal-Breaker Awards · “LOOSE” INSTEAD OF “LOSE”
APOSTROPHE CATASTROPHES 2022 · Best of Poor Grammar New’s
Social Media Awards 2023 · WORST USAGE OF “YOUR”
MOST QUESTIONS ENDING IN “AT” · Winner Bad Preposition Use
BAD GRAMMAR AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-GRA
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Longest Running Streak 2022 · TIPSY AT SCHOOL FUNCTIONS
BIGGEST DIRTY LAUNDRY PILE · Bad Housekeeping Magazine
Bad Moms Association 2021 · MOST F BOMBS DROPPED TO KIDS
6-Month Family Challenge Winner · RAMEN NOODLE MARATHON
BAD MOM AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-MOM
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Annual Liar Society Awards · MOST “I’M NOT MAD” DECLARATIONS
WINDOW BREAKING NATIONALS · Social Media Awards 2022
Body Modifications 2023 · LONGEST POINTIEST NAILS
FASTEST MOOD CHANGE · People’s Choice 2021
CRAZY BITCH AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-BIT
“I never saw a set of ballpoints that I didn’t steal!”
TOM B, SCOUNDREL
PETTY CRIME AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-CRI
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Voted Bay Area’s · MOST WELL-SPOKEN DRUG DEALER
VAPING ON A PLANE · Sky High Awards 2022
South Florida Regional Awards · ODDEST PUBLIC NUDITY YOUTUBE 2021 Petty Criminals Awards · MOST CHIPOTLE NAPKINS STOLEN
POOR SPORT AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-SPO
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Adult Charity Sports League · MOST OVERCOMPETITIVE 2022 MOST FAKED INJURIES ON FIELD · Actors Guild Sports Division
Angry Fan Nationals 2023 · MOST HOLES PUNCHED IN WALL KICKED OUT OF MOST GAMES · Bad Sports Parent Magazine
PROLIFIC SWEARING AWARDS
BALLPOINT PEN SET
AP-SWE
Four vintage-style pens inside:
Uncomfortable Poetry Awards · HIGHEST NUMBER OF EXPLETIVES
PUTTING “FUCK” ON A PILLOW · Off-Color Cross-Stitch Nationals Top Performer 2022 · MOST F BOMBS PER MINUTE CURSING IN FRONT OF GRANDMA · 1st Place: Toddler Division
Shit Show Colored Pencils
Who doesn’t love colored pencils? Turn your gray world Technicolor with our Shit Show Colored Pencil Set.
Colored Pencils:
8 brightly colored pre-sharpened pencils packed in a sturdy slide-out box;
7 ⅝″ H × 2 ⅝″ W × 1″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
SHI-P
Pencils For Everyone
Most scientists say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made-in-USA pencil sets.
Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA.
Box size: 7 ½″ L × ¾″ W × 1 ⅜″ H. Sold in 4-packs.
Wow... New Display!
“About time!”
Pencil Display: Holds 4 each of 5 styles; 20 total pencil sets. Size: 7 ½″ L × 7″ W × 10″ H Free when filled with product!
PENCIL DISPLAY
BAD ATTITUDES
APATHY IS A STATE OF MIND · *SLAMS DOOR* · WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM? I’M NOT EVEN LISTENING · YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE · I’M NOT RUDE, YOU ARE WHY IS EVERYONE SO ANNOYING? · CALL SOMEONE WHO CARES THE COOL AUNT
WAS THERE MORE WINE LEFT? · YOUR MOTHER WAS REALLY WILD IN SCHOOL · LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR DAD LET’S DO A MAKEOVER! · WINE GOES BAD. YOU HAVE TO DRINK IT ALL. · YOUR GRANDMA USED TO BE A REAL “B” POUR YOUR AUNT ANOTHER GLASS, DEAR · AUNTIE NEEDS HER HEALTH GUMMIES
“I prefer to use a nice, dull pencil.”
RICHARD
M, WHISKEY RIVER EMPLOYEE
CAT PEOPLE
IT’S NOT ME, MY CAT LIKES DRESSING UP · WHAT’S ONE MORE CAT? · SEND ME CAT MEMES SO I KNOW IT’S REAL GRUMPY CAT… NEVER FORGET · DID SOMEONE SAY FREE KITTENS?? · 30 CATS IS A NICE ROUND NUMBER WEEKEND PLANS: CAT. COUCH. COCKTAIL · MY CAT HATES YOU
CRAZY BITCHES
DON’T MAKE ME TAKE MY HOOPS OUT · HALF MY PAYCHECK GOES TO MY NAILS DRUNKEST B*TCH AT THE PARTY · ROUND OF SHOTS! · OH, YOU HEARD I WAS CRAZY? I HATE YOU! LOVE YOU, BOO · I’M NOT MAD. · *THROWS DRINK IN YOUR FACE*
DAD JOKES
PULL MY FINGER · THAT’S HOW THEY GET YOU · HI HUNGRY, I’M DAD WORKIN’ HARD OR HARDLY WORKIN’? · BOOM, YOU’RE A SANDWICH I’M JUST RESTING MY EYES · DON’T TELL YOUR MOM · NO, YOUR OTHER RIGHT
“Oh, I wish I were a Whiskey River Pencil.”
J. HENRY, LOCAL ECCENTRIC
THE DAYS OF THE WEEK
CANCEL MONDAYS · IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY · HUMPDAY THIRSTY THURSDAY · IT’S FRIYAY! · SATURDAY VIBES SUNDAY SCARIES · FEELS LIKE BLURSDAY
DOG PEOPLE
IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR · WOOF. · BOW WOW WOW YIPPY YO YIPPY YAY CAN I BRING MY DOG? · I WAS TALKING TO THE DOG, NOT YOU · DOGS, THEN PEOPLE USED UP ALL MY SICK DAYS AT THE VET · MY DOG IS LONELY I NEED TO GO HOME
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
THERE’S NO PAMPLEMOUSSE · MY RIPPED JEANS ARE NOW TOO RIPPED · THIS PENCIL ISN’T THE COLOR I WANTED BUT I WANT PUMPKIN SPICE ALL YEAR · OMG, THE CHIPOTLE LINE IS SOOOO LONG MY NETFLIX WON’T LOAD · IDK WHAT TO BRING BECAUSE ONE PERSON IS A VEGAN · THERE’S ALREADY A NEW IPHONE OUT
“I’d trade my both my spleens for one of these pencil sets!”
CHRIS
M, HAS TWO SPLEENS
FUCKING BIRTHDAYS
I GUESS YOU WANT A PRESENT NOW, HUH. · HAPPY. BIRTHDAY. TO. ME. OH, YOU’RE SOOO SPECIAL TODAY · HEY, AT LEAST I REMEMBERED · YOU’RE NOT OLD, YOU’RE ANCIENT YOU’RE LUCKY I HAVE TO BE NICE TO YOU · GO ON. CRY IF YOU WANT TO. · SLIGHTLY EXPIRED
GRAMMAR POLICE
YOU LOST ME AT “YOUR BEAUTIFUL” · *YOU’RE · TO SERVE AND CORRECT THEY’RE GOING THERE, TO THEIR HOUSE, OK? · PUNCTUATION SAVES LIVES OXFORD COMMA TIL I DIE · OFFICIAL GRAMMAR POLICE PENCIL · SILENTLY CORRECTING YOUR GRAMMAR
HAPPY HOUR
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR · EMERGENCY STIR STICK · POWERED BY: VODKA DON’T TALK TO ME BEFORE MY FIRST DRINK · ALSO AVAILABLE SOBER I SEE DRUNK PEOPLE · IT’S 10 AM SOMEWHERE · BEER ME
“These look perfect for writing ransom notes…”
INTROVERTS
SORRY, I HAVE EBOLA · MY LEGS FELL OFF THIS MORNING · PEOPLE SCARE ME THE DAMN TOILET EXPLODED · I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK SOME BLEACH · THERE’S A WILD BOAR IN THE DRIVEWAY I’VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS · I’M STUCK AT THE DUBAI AIRPORT
LEFTIES
THE “WEIRD” PENCIL · RIGHT-HANDED IS TOO MAINSTREAM FOR ME THE REAL RIGHT-SIDE UP · I MAKE THE WEIRD SCISSORS LOOK GOOD · SMUDGE THIS! LEFTIES GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY · MORE PRESIDENTS ARE LEFTIES · LEFT-HANDED BUT ALWAYS RIGHT
LITTLE WHITE LIES
I LITERALLY NEVER DO THIS · I ONLY HAVE ONE GLASS A DAY · I NEVER LIE OMG, I LOOOOVE WORKING OUT · NO REALLY, YOU LOOK AMAZING I DELETED HIS NUMBER · I HATE DRAMA · I ALREADY DID MY HOMEWORK
“Nothing better than a big bowl of pencil shavings for breakfast, right?”
SUSIE M, EATS
PENCIL SHAVINGS BEFORE NOON
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
I’M KIND OF DULL · ALL USED UP, NOWHERE TO GO · YOU’RE JUST USING ME I BET YOU’LL THROW ME AWAY ONE DAY · EVEN MY ERASER DISAPPEARS ON ME · I KNOW I’M YOUR #2 (NEVER #1) WHAT, I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? · NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR LEGAL DOCUMENTS
THE MIDDLE CHILD
HAND-ME-DOWN PENCIL · MATCHES THE HAIR COLOR · ETERNALLY OVERLOOKED ONLINE COLLEGE WILL BE FINE FOR YOU · BUT YOU’RE GOOD WITH REJECTION! YOU NEVER DID LIKE ATTENTION · WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? · NOBODY WILL READ THIS
MIDLIFE CRISIS
BOUGHT A FOOD TRUCK! · I’M SO PUNK WITH MY PINK HAIR · A TATTOO SLEEVE WOULD GIVE ME AN EDGE MY OTHER PENCIL IS A MOTORCYCLE · I SHOULD GO BACK TO SCHOOL · OFF TO IMPROV CAMP! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BOTOX? · SIGNED UP FOR BANJO LESSONS!
“I wish these were pens. I really prefer pens. You should too.”
JEFF R, LOBBYIST FOR THE NATIONAL PEN ASSOCIATION
NURSES
I’M NOT A WAITER, OK? · NO, I DIDN’T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR · I HAVEN’T PEED IN 12 HOURS ON CALL SOBRIETY BLUES · REMEMBER SITTING DOWN? MED SCHOOL? TRY NURSING SCHOOL · I LOOK TIRED BECAUSE I AM · SCRUB LIFE
I FOUND THIS IN THE TOILET · IT’S HARD TO MAKE NEW COFFEE · COMIC SANS KILLS I’LL PROBABLY QUIT TODAY · THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID · RESTING STAFF MEETING FACE TRY TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN · BEARS. BEETS. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.
OKAY MOMS
WHAT KIDS? · YAY! CHEEZ-ITS FOR DINNER! · MOMMY’S BUZZED UP · CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE MOMMY ALONE? I NEVER DID MY HOMEWORK EITHER, KID · DOES THIS SIPPY CUP SMELL LIKE WINE? TRUST ME, I’M THE OKAYEST MOM HERE · WHERE’S YOUR FRICKIN’ FATHER?
“Some of my best friends are pencils, actually.”
RANDI A, WHISKEY RIVER EMPLOYEE
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
THAT’S SO NICE FOR YOU · *TURNS READ RECEIPTS ON* · WHATEVER. I’M SORRY YOU’RE SO SENSITIVE · I PREFER PENS, BUT THIS IS FINE I’M NOT MAD · WHAT GRUDGE? · NEVER MIND, IT WASN’T THAT IMPORTANT
PROCRASTINATORS
I ALWAYS WORK BETTER WHEN IT’S NEXT WEEK · LAST-SECOND CRUNCH TIME PENCIL · I’LL SHARPEN THIS LATER PROCRASTINATING IS ALSO AN ACHIEVEMENT · I’LL STUDY AFTER I CLEAN · I HAVE TO FINISH THIS NETFLIX SERIES FIRST I’LL FIND A USE FOR THIS PENCIL TOMORROW · MINDLESS DOODLING PENCIL
TEACHERS
IDK, CAN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM? · I JUST REALIZED I DON’T EVEN LIKE KIDS OH YEAH? POP QUIZ, SUCKAS · I HAVE PTSD FROM GRADING PAPERS · COUNTDOWN TO SUMMER BREAK DON’T YOU DARE SAY “WIKIPEDIA” · THANKLESS TASKS PENCIL · DINNER… OR CLASSROOM SUPPLIES?
“Chop
I SECRETLY EAT BACON · I DON’T REALLY LOVE YOUR SHOES · I FARTED AT YOGA I’M NEVER TRULY SOBER · I’VE WORN THE SAME PANTS ALL WEEK I THOUGHT PLANKING WAS A FISH · I SPELLCHECK MY SEXTS · YOUR BABY IS UGLY
WRITER’S BLOCK
ADD A VAMPIRE · REGURGITATED IDEAS PENCIL · TRY VODKA KILL YOUR CHARACTERS · LIGHTLY PLAGIARIZE · INSERT COFFEE IV POTENTIAL MURDER WEAPON? · HIT HEAD REPEATEDLY WITH HAMMER
SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT? SO FUCKING WHAT? · SO FUCKING WHAT?
Ah, nothing beats the original. Before we released these babies, life was bleak.
But out of darkness came light, and a beautiful sticker set was born. Trusted by pranksters the world over, our original collection of 60 tricky stickers has stood the test of time. Unlike my liver.
Prank Stickers Set A:
Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.
Taste the perfect marriage of luscious, ripe flavors of peach and pear with the crisp freshness of lemon, grapefruit, and orange blossom. Or, you know, buy these hilarious prank stickers and cover every object in your life with them. It’s one or the other. We’re sure you’ll make the right choice.
Prank Stickers Set B: Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.
I think we all know that bigger equals better. Ever heard of Texas? It’s an entire state devoted to the concept. And while these stickers aren’t quite that big, they’re still a damn sight larger than any prank stickers anyone from Rhode Island has ever released. And that’s a fact.
Prank Stickers Set C: Two 15-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.
Candle Upgrade Stickers
Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your birthday card for Aunt Clem is lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our “Fuck It!” Candle Upgrade Stickers. Available wherever zero fucks are given.
Candle Upgrade Stickers: Two sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.
Subtext Line Greeting Cards
We all love greeting cards right? And eating straight out of the trash can, George Costanzastyle? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Thinking of you!
Greeting Cards:
18 different greeting cards with pretty pictures and unexpected subtextual comments. Card size: 4 ¼″ W × 5 ½″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.
BROTHER CEREAL DREAMS
Duo Candle Air Fresheners
Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know.
Air Fresheners:
24 different candle air fresheners with scents based on the original candle.
Air freshener size: 3 ½″ W × 3″ H.
Package size: 5 ½″ W × 6 ½″ H.
Double-sided, full-color.
Sold in packs of 4.
BAD ATTITUDES
CYNICAL CITRUS SCENT
CAFFEINE ADDICTS
COFFEE SHOP SCENT
CALM THE F DOWN RAIN STICK SCENT
THE COOL AUNT JUICY GOSSIP SCENT
CAT PEOPLE WARM MILK SCENT
CLASSY AF DRY SHAMPOO SCENT
THE FAVORITE CHILD BETTER CLOTHES SCENT
IT’S FINE PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT
DAD JOKES
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA SCENT
DOG PEOPLE GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT
FEELING GOOD AS HELL CK 1 SCENT
FUCKING ZEN COOL CUCUMBER SCENT
IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER SCENT
THE MIDDLE CHILD CRAZY GRAPE SCENT
DOG-F
ZEN-F
MOM BRAIN
SOGGY CHEERIOS SCENT
OUTDOOR PEOPLE
SUMMER CAMP SCENT
TEACHERS
POISONED APPLE SCENT
NAMASTE
CALMING LAVENDER SCENT
SHIT SHOWS
FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT
THE TROPHY HUSBAND
TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT
OKAY MOMS
SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT
SOCIAL ANXIETY
VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT
ZERO FUCKS CREAMSICLE SCENT
WTF Candle Air Fresheners
What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit. Just cover it up with one of our colorful air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word. (Except for the one that isn’t.)
Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents.
Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H. Package size: 4″ W × 6″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.
Whiskey River Soap Company Amaretto Sour
Whiskey River Soap Company
Pomegranate Champagne
Astrology Line
We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to hear anyone make a case that our Astrology Line products don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers. You’re welcome.
Matches:
Wooden matchsticks with colored heads to match each glass jar’s label. Jar size: 4 ¼″ H × 2″ W × 2″ D. Strike on bottom. Sold in packs of 4.
Stickers:
2-pack of die cut stickers with soft-touch lamination, packaged in poly bag with header card. Sticker size: 4 ¾″
W × 2 ¼″ H; package size: 5 ¼″
W × 5 ¼″ H. Sold in packs of 4.
Candles:
Our 100% soy wax candles. Each lid has a brightly-colored sticker that matches our Astrology Soap and Pencil Sets. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in packs of 4.
Soap:
Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle. Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in packs of 4.
Pencils:
8 custom pencils made specifically for each sign. Each set features a “selfie pencil” with backwards writing to fulfill all your selfie needs… we see you, Leo. Box size: 8 ¼″ H × 3 ⅜″ W × ½″ L. Sold in packs of 4.
Air Fresheners:
Scented to match our Astrology Soap and Candles. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 7″ H. Two different sides, fullcolor. Sold in packs of 4.
Birthday Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations. Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.
SexyZodiac Candles
Forty years ago, NASA launched two Voyager spacecraft into deep space. Aboard both were gold discs with music, greetings and sounds from Earth—a message to aliens. Just three weeks ago, the aliens finally replied. They slid into our DMs with a wave and eggplant emoji, and the following message: “Astrology candles, but make them sexy.” And who are we to deny them their otherworldly desires? Hey, this is a much better introduction than blowing up the planet.
Sexy Zodiac Candles: Soy wax candle. Vessel size: 3 ½″ H × 3 ¼″ D. Burn time: 40 hours. Net weight: 9 ounces. 12 styles, sold in 3-packs.
CAPRICORN
TEAKWOOD & MAHOGANY SCENT
PATCHOULI ROSE SCENT
WAVES SCENT
“It’s tough being so damn sexy…” AN ARIES
ARIES
SMOKED AMBER SCENT
TAURUS
GEMINI
SUEDE & SMOKE SCENT
FRENCH VANILLA PEAR SCENT
“What’s your name again?”
CANCER
GLACIER WATER SCENT
LIBRA
VELVET CASHMERE SCENT LEO
VANILLA & SUGAR SCENT
SCENT
SCORPIO
RASPBERRY & ROSES SCENT
SAGITTARIUS
VANILLA LAVENDER SCENT
WARM
VIRGO
CREAMY COCONUT LIME
Safety Matches to Match Your Sign
PIS-M
ARI-M
LEO-M
Astrology
Air Fresheners
CAPRICORN BERGAMOT BOSS SCENT
AQUARIUS
IMPULSIVE PAPAYA SCENT
ARIES
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT
SUPERIOR SAGE SCENT
Look Ma, two-sided!
PISCES
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER SCENT
GEMINI
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON SCENT
GEM-F
Wow! Each air freshener comes with a matching header card.
SCENT
LEO-F
VIR-F
Astrology Stickers
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.”
CAPRICORN BERGAMOT BOSS SCENT
AQUARIUS PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA SCENT
PISCES
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER SCENT
ARIES
TAURUS
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT TAU-S
CHAMPAGNE CHIC SCENT
GEMINI
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON SCENT
GEM-S
“Everyone wants to be a
VANILLA VANITY SCENT
OVERTHINKING ORANGES SCENT
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
BERGAMOT BOSS SCENT
DBossy AF
DFull-on workaholic
DFluent in sarcasm
“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.” - a Capricorn
AQUARIUS
PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA SCENT
DWoke AF
DNew-agey
DSocial butterfly
“Aquarians have the most friends.” - an Aquarius
PISCES
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER SCENT
DHead in the clouds
DImpressionable
DConsummate napper
“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.” - a Pisces
ARIES
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT
DExcels at “me time”
DFrequent ER patient
DBorn winner
“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.” - an Aries
TAURUS
CHAMPAGNE CHIC SCENT
DEpicurean
DPersonal space invader
DAbsolute ruler
“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.” - a Taurus
GEMINI
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON SCENT
DGood at behaving badly
DFickle flirt
DDevious mind
“Geminis have the best sense of humor.” - a Gemini
CANCER
MOODY MOJITOS SCENT
DProfessional introvert
DSecretly clingy
DGrudge collection
“Cancers are the most creative sign.” - a Cancer
LEO
VANILLA VANITY SCENT
DAlways right
DCharming AF
DEasily flattered
“Leos are the best looking sign.” - a Leo
VIRGO
OVERTHINKING ORANGES SCENT
DTrivia champ
DSpreadsheet master
DImpromptu party planner
“Virgos have it all figured out.” - a Virgo
LIBRA
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT SCENT
DPeople pleaser
DPassive-aggressive
DLate fee collector
“Libras make the best friends with benefits.” - a Libra
SCORPIO
VINDICTIVE VIOLETS SCENT
DBasic sadist
DDevours the weak
DPower glare champ
“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.” - a Scorpio
SAGITTARIUS
WANDERING WHITE TEA SCENT
DClass clown
DCommitment-challenged
DEscape artist
“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.” - a Sagittarius
CAPRICORN
December 22 - January 19
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’ BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART BOSSY AF
BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CONTROL FREEEEEAK
Back:
You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING
SPIRITUAL GANGSTA
POTENTIAL LIFE COACH
AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER
BFF COLLECTOR
ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WOKE AF
Back:
You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of doing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP
STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR
WILDLY UNDERAPPRECIATED
DRINKS LIKE A FISH
AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY
WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER
Back:
You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because of your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO FIGHT ME
I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION
UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL
WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%
Back:
You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING? I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST
CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF
Back:
You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.
GEMINI
May 21 - June 20
VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY
I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT
Back:
You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re the good kind of crazy.
CANCER
June 21 - July 22
CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS PROFESSIONAL INTROVERT
I’M FINE! NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE
I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND
BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER
Back:
You’re no stranger to thumb-sucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.
LEO
July 23 - August 22
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS? LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS
Back:
You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD LIST-MAKING PENCIL
LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME
I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY
Selfie Pencil (Backwards):
NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)
Back:
You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21
CHECKMATE.
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY
TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND
BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF
Back:
You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.
LIBRA
September 23 - October 22
THANKS FOR NOTHING I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!!
EASILY DISTRACTED...
WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF
Back:
You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything.
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS
VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS? I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE
I DON’T DO FAKE
RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE
Back:
You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischiefmakers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors.
CAPRICORN
GREETING CARD
AQUARIUS
GREETING CARD
PISCES
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
BW-CAP
BW-PIS
BW-AQU
BW-ARI
ARIES
TAURUS
GREETING CARD
GEMINI
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
BW-TAU BW-CAR
BW-GEM
BW-LEO
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
GREETING CARD
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
OldSchool Matchbooks
The Whiskey River Matchbook was first identified from fossils discovered in Amazonian caves and was believed to be extinct until 2018, when a single specimen was spotted in a Nebraska cornfield. While a handful of other matchbooks would be documented in the following years, by late 2022 the species was listed as critically endangered. The prospects for survival were bleak, but thanks to intensive conservation efforts and a very generous grant from the government of Mauritius, the great Whiskey River Matchbook has made a successful comeback in ecosystems across North America.
The Original Matchbooks
Be the envy of your friends and neighbors! Make your enemies weep and your gal swoon with our original set of 16 matchbooks. Perfect for lighting candles, fireworks, and those pesky family photos cluttering up your living room.
MAT-A Matchbook Set A 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.
Vintage-Style Matchbooks
Need a laugh? And a light? Look no further than our set of 16 vintage-style matchbooks. Sure, you knew modern businesses were selling a bunch of wacky goods and services, but did you know you could get a hatchback taco all the way back in ’54? I sure didn’t.
MAT-B Matchbook Set B
64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.
Infamous Matchboxes
Step right up and get your very own matchbox. Sixteen trendy styles to choose from! Follow your dreams and attend The Institute of Self Loathing, plan a trip out to National Embarrassment with the kids, or just curl up on the sofa with another episode of Uncle Podcast. You’ll love what these (fake) businesses are selling.
Matchbox Set C
48-pack of matchboxes in counter-top display. Made in Japan.
What the Fuck? Matchbooks
Yeah you read that right. An F-Bomb right at the top of the page, and in bold font, too! We know some people might prefer we censor ourselves, but we all had a meeting and decided those people can all fuck off. Our bitchin’ new matchbooks have earned it, just have a gander below and see for yourself. It’s a fact that everyone loves the F-word these days (except the people we told to fuck off earlier). From the sage advice of “Let That Shit Go,” to the kid-friendly “Don’t Even Fuck With Fire,” there’s something here for everyone and their meemaw.
MAT-F1
Matchbook Set F1
60-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.
Light a blunt & chill the fuck out. fuck out.
WTF Candles
Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as we all know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long. Like it or leave it, profanity is fuckin’ hot. So buy these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word!
WTF Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Net weight: 6.5 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.
I FUCKING LOVE YOU POMEGRANATE CHAMPAGNE SCENT
WT6-C
SHOT
“I sincerely apologize for overlooking the taint.” G. PALTROW, BODY PART ENTHUSIAST
I DON’T KNOW SHIT TROPICAL IPA SCENT
Matchbook Set B Page 62
Hey, kids!
Uncle Saul here: don’t forget the matches to go with your Taint candle. And remember, always play with fire.
MUSK MELON SPRITZER SCENT
EMERGENCY AMBIANCE CANDLE TINS
BECAUSE CHILDREN
EDIBLES KICKED IN
DOG-T
BEC-T
VINTAGESTYLE PAINT CAN CANDLES
FLYING FUCK
MIDNIGHT MAYDAY SCENT
NOTES OF BLACKBERRY, AMBER, & SWEET TOBACCO
PAI-5
Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles:
12-ounce soy wax candles handpoured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels .
Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H.
Burn time: 50 hours. 5 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.
FUCK IT
BERGAMOT, TOBACCO, & YUZU SCENT
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE SMOKED VANILLA & TEAKWOOD SCENT PAI-1
PAI-4
WHOOP ASS
SUCKER PUNCH SCENT NOTES OF LEMON & COCONUT
LET THAT SHIT GO
SWEET RELEASE SCENT NOTES OF CUCUMBER, MINT, & VANILLA
PAI-6 PAI-8
SOAP & CANDLES
They’re the original hot ticket. Need we say more? Didn’t think so.
Classic Soap Bars:
Handmade vegan soap designed by our in-house soap artisans with fragrance blends to match each concept. Shrink-wrapped with a kraft brown label. Dimensions: 3 ½″ L × 2 ¾″ W × 1″ H.
Sold in 4-packs.
Duo Candles:
Always hand-poured and made with our exclusive blend of 100% soy wax and 0% bullshit. Fragrance blends match each concept and corresponding soap. Dimensions: 4″ D × 2 ½″ H.
Burn time: 60 hours. Sold in 3-packs.
THE “COOL” BOSS
FREE CANDY SCENT
D Office pranks
D Casual attitude
D Not a damn tyrant
SOAP BOS-S
CANDLE BOS-C
D I’m in charge
D And I said so…
THE GARDEN GODDESS
GARDEN OF EDEN SCENT
D Beautiful begonias
D Perfect peonies
D Gorgeous gardenias
SOAP GAR-S
CANDLE GAR-C
HUGGERS
ORANGE YOU GLAD SCENT
D Always warm
D Always giving
D Are YOU my mom?
SOAP HUG-S
CANDLE HUG-C
HIPPIE CHICKS
TIE DYE DREAMS SCENT
D Promotes long hair
D Inspires jewelry making
D Has festival tickets
RASPBERRY BERET SCENT
D Prolly a harmonica
D And a tall hat
D Riding a unicycle
SOAP STW-S
CANDLE STW-C
PEOPLE FROM OHIO
CORN ON THE COB SCENT
D O-H!
D … I-O!
D Mating calls?
SOAP OHI-S
CANDLE OHI-C
MISSING YOU
SINGING THE BLUES SCENT
D Where are you?
D I need you!
D Jeez I sound desperate.
SOAP MIY-S
CANDLE MIY-C
NEW FOR FALL MAMA TRIED
YOU’RE A PEACH SCENT
D To raise you better
D To steer you right
D Hey, she tried.
SOAP TRY-S
CANDLE TRY-C
CLASSIC SOAP & DUO CANDLES
Best Selling Soap
CALM THE F DOWN
THE FAVORITE CHILD
CRAZY BITCHES
DOG PEOPLE
BESTIES
CAT PEOPLE
STONERS DAY DRINKING
THE TROPHY HUSBAND
SOCIAL ANXIETY
Best Selling Candles
CALM THE F DOWN
THE COOL AUNT
CAT PEOPLE
CRAZY BITCHES
BESTIES
THE FAVORITE CHILD
ZERO FUCKS
DOG PEOPLE
DAY DRINKING
FEELING GOOD AS HELL
A NEW HOME ALONE TIME ALWAYS LATE
TRENDY TERRARIUM SCENT
D A fresh start!
D A clean slate!
D It’ll be a mess in no time
Mmmmmm...
Smell that? Yeah, no thing except maybe clean paint and a hint of chocolate chip cookie air freshener. No cat pee, spoiled milk, or the unmistakable stench of sadness. So huff on that baggage-free lifestyle for as long as you can because you’ll be back to wallowing in your own filth soon. New homes are only new for so long.
LEAVE ME ALONE TEA SCENT
D Do not disturb
D Don’t even text
D Drop by and die
Why are you so thick?
Boy, are you terrible at taking hints. When I started responding to all your inane questions with random non-sequiturs, you didn’t flinch. When I quit looking you in the eye, nada. And when I screamed “leave me the F alone!” at the top of my lungs, you fled the room but went on a texting spree. And that’s why I hopped on a bus to Alaska. Bye!
ABSENT AMBER SCENT
D Sorry I’m so late
D I had a… thing
D …and now I have to go, sorry!
You know me.
I’m always late. Let’s lose the attitude, fella, and accept the inevitable. No, I will not get to your son’s bris on time, or even make my midnight flight to the Cayman Islands. You see, I operate on island time wherever I am. Detroit. Dubuque. The DMV. Just chill. You’d save yourself a lot of grief if you’d only quit harping on me. And possibly keep from stroking out by age 35.
BAD ATTITUDES BIG SISTERS
CYNICAL CITRUS SCENT
D Oh, you don’t like F bombs?
D Too fucking bad
D Bye, Felicia
Are you still here?
I thought perhaps my lack of eye contact and general disinterest may have clued you in. But here you are, still standing in front of me with your half-baked motivational sound bites and cheesy grin. No, I’m not going to be a “team player” and be more “pleasant to Tim” and stop “drinking on the job.” What is this, a Cub Scout jamboree?
BESTIES
GRAPE HARD SELTZER SCENT
D No one else gets us
D Who cares
D Support your local girl gang
Let’s unpack this. And by that, I mean let’s unpack everything. I have sooooooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you twelve hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We’ve got our own girl gang and we don’t need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. ‘Cuz we’re not doing this sober.
BOSSY BOUQUET SCENT
D Near perfection
D Knows everything
D And a little bossy
Did you pack your sunscreen?
Do your homework? Make your bed? I made your lunch last night before bed in case Mom forgot to set her alarm. Also, I want to make sure you visit the guidance counselor today. Fourth grade is a perfect time to start planning the rest of your life, you know. I can help you, too, if you want. Hey, where are you going? Hello? I made pancakes!
BIRTHDAY BLUES
SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE SCENT
D I never get carded anymore
D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear.
D Will you stop counting already?
Who you calling old?
Not me, pal. I’m 21. I’ve been 21 for years and I’m not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don’t you know I still shop at Forever 21? It’s called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.
THE BOOKISH
LIBRARY WATER SCENT
D Eliminates other people
D Intensifies imaginary worlds
D Loves words, too
A real library thief.
Kidding. I know you love books and all that nerdy jazz, but you’re no thief! Like that time you told the librarian you “lost” that early edition and she only charged you seven bucks for a newly-printed replacement. Well, that’s clearly on them. And that’s the same day I decided to try reading for the very first time. I was so inspired by you!
CAFFEINE ADDICTS
COFFEE SHOP SCENT
D Good source of the jitters
D Absorbs nighttime rest
D Cheaper than coke
Don’t talk to me before my coffee. I mean it. I need at least a full pot before I can even talk properly. I don’t know exactly how I got here but I’m definitely digging it. Without sporting vibrating knees and jittery teeth, is it really even me at this point? I wear caffeine like a suit of armor. My own personal suit of piping-hot, nutty-flavored, fullblown anxiety.
CANDLE
CANDLE
CALM THE F DOWN
RAIN STICK SCENT
D Live
D Laugh
D Haha, fuck that
Calm down.
So what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket? It’s like, yoga time. Meditation hour starts now. So pop in those AirPods, crank up the sounds of the rainforest, and reeelaaaax. The Zoom rager starts in two hours and I expect you kegstand ready!
CAT PEOPLE
WARM MILK SCENT
D My cat has an Instagram
D Lint rollers in the car
D Dog people suck
Hairball much?
Your cats are circling the tub, but don’t count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don’t judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don’t leave the toilet seat up. Most days.
THE COOL AUNT
JUICY GOSSIP SCENT
D Your mom wasn’t always lame
D Here’s 20 bucks
D Wanna sip?
Honey, hand me that bottle?
Your auntie needs another top-off. It’s been a week, I tell ya. Honestly, coming over to see my favorite niece and nephew is giving me life right now. I don’t know why your mom complains so much, you two are absolute angels. You know, she wasn’t always this strict. You should’ve seen her in high school, oh my lord, she used to…
COOL DADS
CUSTOM OIL BLEND
SCENT
D Mountain bike
D Designer hoodies
D Probably hot
Yeah, you know who you are. You’re never going to be your father, no way. That guy was so uptight, and seemed a million years old. You’re more the type who “connects” with his kids, can “drop in” at the skate park, and shops at the same clothing stores as they do. You’re simply the envy of parent pick-up. And yes. You’re probably in a band.
SOAP COO-S
CANDLE COO-C
CRAZY BITCHES
SALTY MELONS SCENT
D Admit it
D Shit is boring without us
D Facts.
Don’t make me take my hoops out. I’m literally on the verge of smacking that cheap face off your head. If you don’t come with me right now to the club and down 14 shots of Jäger with me, I’m telling everyone about that night you spent passed out, face-down on the pavement outside the Sheetz drive-thru window, plain cheeseburger in hand.
DAD BODS
TOASTED MARSHMALLOW SCENT
D Pairs well with couch time
D Builds unwavering confidence
D Bring me another beer
Real men have curves. And now there’s no reason to feel guilty! Thanks to an incredible development in the “hot guy” category, Dad Bods are officially in; and 21-year-olds are officially into you. So toss out that kale salad and grab another box of Birthday Cake Oreos. At least when things seem gender unfair, you’re still coming out on the winning side.
SOAP
CANDLE
DAY DRINKING
MOJITO SCENT
D Pairs well with daytime TV
D Helps pass the time
D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking
It’s ten a.m. somewhere. Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don’t feel guilty about it. It’s exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don’t want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.
DEEP THINKERS
INTERGALACTIC SPACE SCENT
D Dulls your senses
D Heightens brain activity
D Pairs well with edibles
It just seems like you’re comatose. I know you’re really a mad genius, locked up in that head with a slurry of insights and ideas swirling about. Do I have proof? Well, no. But when I often catch you staring at blank walls for inordinate periods of time, I have to believe there’s more to it! I mean, or it could just be the weed. *Shrugs*.
DIRTY THIRTIES
DIRTY MARGARITA SCENT
D It’s all over now
D The beginning of the end
D Goes by faster than you think Potential. Yep, that’s what you lost when you turned 30. No one will ever give you that easy out again. Face it, you’re never going to be a 20-something millionaire. So now it’s time to buckle down, accept defeat, take that day job, and become an absolute rager every weekend just like the rest of us.
DOG PEOPLE
GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT
D Drawer of embarrassing costumes
D Wet chew toys everywhere
D Cat people are freaks
Smells like drool.
But you’re used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I’d say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we’re wearing matching dog bone jammies.
DRINKING BUDDIES
DOS MARGARITAS SCENT
D Fancy meeting you here
D Just like yesterday
D Barkeep!
Meet me after work?
Haha. Like I have to ask. I’ll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There’s such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I’m in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it’s five! Cya soon!
THE FAVORITE CHILD
BETTER CLOTHES SCENT
D No.
D I definitely didn’t buy myself this.
D You’re just jealous!
I’m not one to brag.
And that’s just one of the reasons I’m the favorite child. Intelligence, charm, rugged good looks, and modesty. Mom and Dad said they broke the mold when they made me. But I’m not supposed to tell you that. I hear you’re pretty fragile. And that’s why I’m so nice to you! Honestly, you’re so lucky to have me as a sibling.
FEELING GOOD AS HELL
CK-1 SCENT
D Find.
D Someone.
D Who appreciates you.
That’s right.
I do my hair toss, check my nails, baby how you feelin’? Yeah, that song had a moment. But you know what? I’m still feeling good as hell! Might be the booze talking (it is), but I think this year is gonna be my best ever.
THE FIRST CHILD
BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING SCENT
D Reduces parental pressure
D Keeps younger siblings out of your stuff
D Is practically perfect, too
Of course you get your own soap. And it’s only natural that you should get a candle, too. You were first, right? The eldest. The most important. But you’re also the family guinea pig, the one who is always the most responsible, and the one who must succeed at all costs. No pressure there, right?
FUCKING MEETINGS
BOURBON IN MY COFFEE SCENT
D Per.
D My.
D Last email.
Meetings.
The icing on the arsenic cake that is any weekday morning, afternoon or evening. And speaking of evenings... didja have to schedule the WebEx for 6:15 p.m. on a Friday, Becky? All to tell me you’d put feedback in the Powerpoint? Because you couldn’t put that in a fucking email? Ok, I’ll text you all my feedback on Saturday at dawn.
SOAP FME-S
CANDLE FME-C
FUCKING ZEN
COOL CUCUMBER SCENT
D Mindful shit
D Some fucking meditation
D Probably a nap
Om.
I don’t get it. I’ve been sitting here raking the litter box for the last two hours and I don’t feel anything but annoyed, and frankly, a little nauseous. Whoever said zen gardens are meditative and spiritually healing never met my cat, Bill the Shitter. Yeah, I know. I could buy a “real” zen garden but that would cut into my beer money. And that shit ain’t happening.
THE FUN UNCLE
BLACK ICE SCENT
D Illegal fireworks
D Red Bull
D Don’t tell your parents
“Hey, beer me!”
Just a little something my uncle would’ve said between shouting obscenities at the refs for “cheating” and the other kids for “being morons” at my Little League games growing up. Sure, he always got ejected in the end, but damn, those were the days…
GETTIN’ LIT
UMBRELLA DRINKS SCENT
D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday
D It’ll break up the week
D Let’s do this
Wait, what’s today?
Oh, hahaha. Like I care. What’re we doing for lunch? Because I just found this adorable little bottle of mezcal under my car seat. That, plus a can of La Croix, and we’re in business! The lunch business, I mean. I do have to get back by 3 for a video conference on “User Engagement Post-Snapchat.” Whatever that means.
SOAP GET-S
CANDLE GET-C
CANDLE
GRAMMAR POLICE
JELLY DOUGHNUT SCENT
D Your/you’re
D Their/there/they’re
D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook
Smells annoying.
Wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re, thanks to Facebook trolls. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else’s grammatical errors. Trust me, you’re still making some.
INTROVERTS
BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O SCENT
D Great solo activity
D Respects your space
D Won’t ask you to an event
People suck.
That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your vintage stuffed animal collection. But even enjoying your own company requires some ambiance. Ideally from this candle in a non-confrontational ocean blue.
IT’S FINE
PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT
D Whatever
D I’m not mad
D It’s fine
No, really. It’s fine. I’m totally not going to write anything for this soap. It’s fine. I’m sure you’re fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it’s fine. Not payback or anything. I’m fine.
CANDLE
FRICKIN’ TUESDAY
GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER SCENT
D Wake me up on Thursday
D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.
Ugggggggh.
It’s been a full year since Monday. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And if Glen in the next cubicle doesn’t stop loudly smacking his gum I’m going to write a scathing note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing notes.
KARENS KARMA
SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE SCENT
D Stable genius
D Blacklisted from Trader Joe’s
D Facebook fanatic
Who let her in here?
Damn, we were all just minding our own business at Trader Joe’s and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray. She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage! It’s the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?
LAUGHING BUDDHA SCENT
Ha. D Ha. D Ha.
What goes around...
Comes around, we hope. And we’re not just talking about tricky STDs here, although, y’know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn’t invent karma. You put that good stuff out into the universe and you’re supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchaserequired Olive Garden coupons.
SOAP
CANDLE
CANDLE
LITTLE SISTERS
LOLLIPOP KID SCENT
D Near disaster
D But cute
D And extremely lovable
Thank you, *blush*. Oh, sorry. I thought you’d already given me a compliment. I’m so used to them! As the cutest member of the family, it’s basically my birthright. Hey, will you take me to the mall? I heard they’re scouting for child models my age, and Mom says I am the bestlooking of all of us.
A MAN’S MAN
BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE SCENT
D Good for bear wrasslin’
D Doesn’t talk much either
D Will drink you under the hand-hewn table
Smells like Alaska.
Or what you imagine Alaska smells like while you’re watching reality TV and eating Cheetos on the recliner. We think it probably smells like wet bear fur and salmon, or a toasty campfire in the middle of a blizzard.
THE MIDDLE CHILD
PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) SCENT
D Magnifies misery
D Your sister’s wedding was just beautiful
D Who are you again?
Who are you again?
The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba.
SOAP
CANDLE
MOM BRAIN
SOGGY CHEERIOS SCENT
D Pants on backwards
D Car keys in fridge
D Baby in oven
Phone in the fridge again.
I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no-good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, “Mom, he’s hitting me” and, “Call 911!” one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god... Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? Both in the oven.
SOAP MOM-S
CANDLE MOM-C
NIGHT OWLS
MIDNIGHT ELIXIR SCENT
D Enhances night vision
D Keeps you in bed ’til noon
D Washes away morning people
No texts before noon.
No excuses. I don’t care if my house is on fire or if I won the lottery, for Pete’s sake. (Okay, if I won the lottery, you can wake me. But nothing else!) I just don’t feel alive until the sun starts setting. That’s when my creative juices really get going. And yeah, mostly I just play on my phone all night, but someday I will make a real masterpiece, and it won’t be during the day. That’s for sure!
SOAP NIT-S
CANDLE NIT-C
OKAY MOMS
SIPPY CUP WINE SCENT
D Pairs well with nap time
D Is also tired of perfect moms
D Your kids love you anyway
Congratulations.
You’re the world’s okayest mom! I’d get you a mug, but you know I swore off giving gifts years ago after Sue Ellen from high school forgot to publicly wish me a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook and destroyed my love of holidays forever. But let’s face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst. That’s why you’re so great!
SOAP OKA-S
CANDLE OKA-C
SCARY SHIT
CEREAL KILLERS SCENT
D Oh that’s awful!
D Inhumane!
D Pass the popcorn!
What’s good?
I’ll tell you what: gory crime scene details. A list of potential suspects. Neighbors’ quotes. A soft-spoken, baritone narrator. And a surprise ending that nobody saw coming. It might seem contradictory, but going to bed listening to “murder served gently” gives me the most restful kind of sleep. That, or a brand new script for Ambien.
SHIT SHOWS SLIGHTLY UNHINGED
FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT
D I did what?
D So THAT’S how I got that bruise
D It was fun, though, right?
Welcome to the Shit Show. It’s poorly-produced, but what would you expect? It only took us six shots of Fireball to get here. Tonight, I mean. The shit show of my life needs no lubricant. All I have to do is roll out of bed, avoid the mirror and slink off to my day job to count the hours until it’s happy hour again. And look, it’s almost noon already! See you at the bar.
JELL-O SHOTS SCENT
D 20% scary
D Always exciting
D 35% scarier after cocktails
Unpredictable, but sexy. You have to admit it. There’s just something sexy about an unpredictable person. Excitement. Adventure. Danger. Yeah, okay. The danger thing is a little unsettling. Especially after they’ve had a few cocktails and fourteen jello shots in under an hour. But what the heck. At least you’ll have some good stories to tell come Monday.
CANDLE SHI-C
CANDLE SLI-C
CANDLE SCA-C
SOCIAL ANXIETY
VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT
D I have Ebola
D My hamster ran away
D I just found out I’m a hologram
I’m *cough* super sick. Otherwise, I would TOTALLY go to your [insert any social event here]. You know how much I love mingling. It’s just that I broke my glass eye again and then I set the waterbed on fire. Silly me, I know. We can catch up later this week... in text.
STONERS
CANNABIS SCENT
D Gateway soap
D Antagonizes DEA
D Approved for medicinal purposes
It’s 4:20 somewhere... Blaze it! You don’t have to be in Colorado to get stoned; but it kinda helps when you don’t have to buy your grass from the sketchy high school D.A.R.E. officer like the rest of us. Best to keep this candle around for when the boys in blue show up. Its hypnotic shades of green and dank cannabis scent will provide the perfect cover.
TEACHERS
POISONED APPLE SCENT
D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom?
D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia”
D I just realized I don’t even like kids
It’s a snow day somewhere… But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
SOAP
CANDLE
CANDLE
THE DUDE
THOUGHTS & PRAYERS
THE TROPHY HUSBAND
D His Dudeness
D Duder
D …or El Duderino
You’re a legend. Shit happens and you just roll on. Because you’re the Dude, and that’s what people call you. That or, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino, if you’re not into that whole brevity thing. And you tend to appreciate the small stuff. Like how that rug really tied the room together! But still, you roll on.
Hey, the Dude abides. WHITE RUSSIAN SCENT
SOAP DUD-S
CANDLE DUD-C
FLORAL INSINCERITY SCENT
D See no evil
D Speak no evil
D Hear no evil
Now that I’ve said that… I feel pretty pretty good about myself. I’ve done all I can about this dreadful situation. Expressed an almost universally panned cliché and now my hands are washed of the whole business. Cleansed. And now I’m onto something else. Oh, I’m sure maybe YOU have the time to actually DO something, or perhaps, work to make changes, but I don’t. Bye!
SOAP THO-S
CANDLE THO-C
TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT
D Looks good on your arm
D Looks good in anything… or nothing
D Jealous much?
Sup.
See that guy sitting poolside in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon like he doesn’t have a care in the world? Yep, that’s me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I’m telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She’s the breadwinner around here and I’m a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. Get back to work, loser.
SOAP TRO-S
CANDLE TRO-C
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
PRICKLY PEAR SCENT
D What the
D Fucking
D Fuck
How do I put this?
And how many different ways can I say it before I know you’re truly picking up what I’m laying down? What. The. Fucking. Fuck? And I’m not talking about corrupt governments and the fact that life is just a hologram. I’m talking about those ballet flats you keep trying to make happen. It’s not gonna happen, okay? And toss those wide-leg jeans while you’re at it. You look like a damned clown.
YOU’RE SO VAIN
CANDIED CONCEIT SCENT
D I’m kidding
D I would never call you vain
D Even though you are.
You’re not vain!
It’s a case of mistaken identity. So what if you make everything about you? You’re super awesome, and that goes with the territory. Everything really IS about you. Oh wow, okay. So you just believed all that nonsense? Of course you did. But to clarify once again: this soap (candle) is NOT about you. Okay? Seriously. Not at all. Okay?
ZERO FUCKS
CREAMSICLE SCENT
D Tired D Of D It
None to give.
We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. None to give.
PRODUCT DISPLAYS
TERMS & CONDITIONS
ORDER MINIMUMS:
Opening order: $200
Re-orders: $150
PAYMENT TERMS:
New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card. Established accounts: Net 30 upon approval. Credit references must be submitted at time of request.
CONDITIONS OF CREDIT:
All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Company all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law. Whiskey River Soap Company reserves the right to revoke credit terms after 3 late payments.
PAYMENT:
Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers.
CANCELLATIONS:
Orders may be canceled at any time. For orders already completed and ready to ship at the time of cancellation, a 25% restocking fee will be charged.
SHIPPING:
Domestic orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Fantasy Destination Jigsaw Puzzles are excluded from free or discounted freight promotions. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Company.
CLAIMS:
Any claims for damaged or misshipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton.
RETURNS:
Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received
beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer, except in case of mis-shipped merchandise.
PRICING:
All prices are subject to the real object and may change without notice. This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from June 15, 2024.
A NOTE ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS:
Soap and candles are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque. All our soaps and candles are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation.
INGREDIENTS:
Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter. The basic ingredients (printed on each label) are: coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, and fragrance.