1
or 80s... 70s, 80s... any way you slice it, it's ALL AWESOMENESS. It's such a shame that schools quit offering doubleexposure portraits. They were freaking amazing! And amazingly creepy. Which is why we just had to recreate them with select members of our team [read: suckers] for our latest catalog: That 70s Issue. You're welcome. But why did our minds go there? Well, it all started while we were sitting around eating Tide Pods in the back alley behind the soap factory and... no? Ok. I'm lying. Dang it. I always get caught. Truthfully, it was inspired by our new When I Was a Kid soap. And when I was a kid, creepy school pics were the norm. Now they're all just so BASIC. Yawn. Anyway, welcome to our latest catalog! We've created a gorgeous line of Astrology Soaps to complement the successful Astrology line (Sam worked reeeeallllly hard on these; kudos to her), and we're also introducing a small line of highly questionable candles called What The...? Fair warning: if you don't like profanity, you're not gonna like these. But as you probably know, products with sketchy language are hot! (Just skip those two pages if you aren't into it, ok?) And finally, we've got a new line of colorful Pencil Sets to match some of our top-sellers: Middle Child, Grammar Police, and more! All that, plus NEW soaps, candles, and bath bombs! Now get! You've got some selling to do. 2
S O A P
F O
R
CAPRICORN A
D E C E M B E R 2 2 - JA N UA RY 19
Smells like the boss of everyone B E R G A M O T
B O S S
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
Jo e
"Wait, hold on, I can't stop laughing."
J
C I S ES
A
Je s s i c a
"Call me Lois."
S O A P
F O
R
TAURUS A
A P R I L 19 - M AY 2 0
Smells like a gold-plated sundae CHAMPAGNE CHIC N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
JOE 3
new new new
bath bombs
pencils 4
candles
new new new S O A P
F O
R
PISCES A
F E B RUA RY 19 - M A RC H 2 0
Smells like some serious delusions
candles
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
soap
mugs
more soap 5
new Introducing our new 8-pack of pencils that match our best-selling soaps and candles! And please stop asking me questions. I have Ebola. NEW Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils. Box size: 7 1/2" L x 2 1/2" H x 3/8" D
PENCILS FOR THE MIDDLE CHILD Back side: WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is being unnoticed when your hair is neon purple and you dress like you're from the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain't all that. The only people who think so are: #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven't even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.
Product code: MID-P
PENCILS FOR TEACHERS
PENCILS FOR WRITER'S BLOCK
Back side:
Back side:
IT'S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE....
TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK?
But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way. Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.
Product code: TEA-P
6
Product code: WRI-P
PENCILS FOR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS Back side:
PENCILS FOR GRAMMAR POLICE Back side: YOUR ANNOYING.
I hear you're having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you're shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your glutenfree muffin was the BEST gluten-free muffin you've ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS.
Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re. Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you're still making some.
Product code: FIR-P
Product code: GRA-P
EXCUSE PENCILS FOR INTROVERTS
PENCILS FOR OKAY MOMS
Back side:
Back side:
AWWWWW...
PEOPLE SUCK.
CONGRATULATIONS.
That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour. Your niece’s school play. Office parties. Your wedding.
You're the world's okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the fivesecond rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.
Product code: INT-P
Product code: OKA-P
7
new new new
?
hey, what the? Our new 100% soy wax candles aren't the most polite candles on the shelf, but as you know, they won't stay on the shelf for long! Like it or leave it, profanity is frickin' hot. So we're introducing these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma's favorite F word! And what the... one of these candles doesn't even HAVE the F word on the label?! Oh well. Who fucking cares. NEW WHAT THE CANDLE? : Jar size: 2 3/4" diameter x 3 1/2" tall
FUCK THIS.
Smells like I'm over it Bye, Felicia Amaretto Sour fragrance Product code: WT1-C
I FUCKING LOVE YOU
Smells like, I mean, probably You know how temperamental I can be. Pomegranate Champagne fragrance Product code: WT2-C
8
OH MY FUCK
Smells like someone's knocked up
Product code: WT3-C
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Product code: WT4-C
Smells like an existential crisis
Congratulations! Your life is now over.
Who am I? Why am I here? Why is this candle talking to me?
Virgin Blue Raspberry Jello Shot fragrance
Cucumber-Aloe Daquiri fragrance
FUCK YEAH
Smells like a celebratory drink
Product code: WT5-C
SALTY BITCHES
Smells like who you calling salty?
Fuck yeah!
Bitch.
Blueberry Bourbon Fizz fragrance
Salty Dog Cocktail (grapefruit) fragrance
Product code: WT6-C
9
new ASTROLOGY
soap
soaped up
Finally! We're releasing our new Astrology Soap line! We wanted to make sure we got it right, so our ingenious soapmaker Sam spent just under 200 years coming up with this gorgeous new line of soaps!
S O A P
F O
LIBRA A
SEPTEMBER
R
23 - OCTO BER
22
S m e ll s li k e a p e a c e ke e p e r
FRENCH LA VENDER FL IR T NET WT . 6 OZ / 17 0 G
Each soap has a custom color-scheme and fragrance that matches the Astrology Candles. NEW Astrology Soaps: Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in 4-packs.
A P S O
F O R
O I P R O SC A
EM - N OV 3 2 R E OCTOB
B E R 21
in per villa u s a e lik Smells S OLET I V E ICTIV VIND 70 G / 1 6 OZ . T W NET
Sam Sam
10
"I totally bought glasses to match my hair."
S O A P
F O
R
S O A P
F O
R
S O A P
F O
R
CAPRICORN D E C E M B E R 2 2 - JA N UA RY 19
AQUARIUS JA N UA RY 2 0 - F E B RUA RY 18
F E B RUA RY 19 - M A RC H 2 0
Smells like the boss of everyone
Smells like a real do-gooder
Smells like some serious delusions
PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER
A
B E R G A M O T
B O S S
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
A
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
PISCES A
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS Smells like a real do-gooder
Smells like some serious delusions
Bergamot Boss fragrance
Progressive Papaya fragrance
Driftwood Dreamer fragrance
Smells like the boss of everyone
Product code: CAP-S
S O A P
F O
PISCES
Product code: AQU-S
R
S O A P
F O
Product code: PIS-S
R
S O A P
F O
R
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
Smells like you only ride shotgun
Smells like a gold-plated sundae
Smells like a split personality
AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME
CHAMPAGNE CHIC
WHIMSICAL WATERMELON
A
M A RC H 21 - A P R I L 19
A
A P R I L 19 - M AY 2 0
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
ARIES
TAURUS
A
M AY 21 - J U N E 2 0
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
GEMINI
Smells like a gold-plated sundae
Smells like a split personality
Aggressive Agave Lime fragrance
Champagne Chic fragrance
Whimsical Watermelon fragrance
Product code: ARI-S
Product code: TAU-S
Product code: GEM-S
Smells like you only ride shotgun
11
S O A P
F O
R
CANCER A
A
F O
LEO
R
S O A P
F O
R
VIRGO
A
J U N E 21 - J U LY 2 2
J U LY 2 3 - AU G U S T 2 2
AU G U S T 2 3 - S E P T E M B E R 2 2
Smells like buried emotions
Smells like itʼs all about you
Smells like making a list to make a list
MOODY MOJITOS
VANILLA VANITY
OVERTHINKING ORANGES
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
CANCER
LEO
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
VIRGO
Smells like buried emotions
Smells like it's all about you
Smells like making a list to make a list
Moody Mojitos fragrance
Vanilla Vanity fragrance
Overthinking Oranges fragrance
Product code: CAR-S
Product code: LEO-S
Product code: VIR-S
S O A P
F O
R
S O A P
F O
R
S O A P
F O
S E P T E M B E R 2 3 - O C TO B E R 2 2
SCORPIO
O C TO B E R 2 3 - N OV E M B E R 21
SAGITTARIUS
Smells like a peacekeeper
Smells like a supervillain
Smells like a disappearing act
FRENCH LAVENDER FLIRT
VINDICTIVE VIOLETS
WANDERING WHITE TEA
LIBRA
A
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
A
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
A
R
N OV E M B E R 21 - D E C E M B E R 21
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
French Lavender Flirt fragrance
Vindictive Violets fragrance
Wandering White Tea fragrance
Product code: LIB-S
Product code: SCO-S
Product code: SAG-S
Smells like a peacekeeper
12
S O A P
Smells like a supervillain
Smells like a disappearing act
pencils
ASTROLOGY ready, set, write shit down!
Yes! Pencils! Check out our 8-pack of custom pencils made specifically for each astrological sign. Each pack features a SELFIE PENCIL! The writing is backwards to fulfill all your selfie needs! (Yeah, we've seen your Insta....) Each pencil box features a color sticker that matches the Astrology Candles, Soaps, and Journals. Astrology Pencils: Box size: 8 1/4" tall x 3 3/8" width x 1/2" thick
y
ed n n e k Kennedy "Ugh."
13
CAPRICORN
December 22-January 19 Pencils:
Pencils:
EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART BOSSY AF MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL
YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING SPIRITUAL GANGSTA AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER BFF COLLECTOR ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK POTENTIAL LIFE COACH
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CONTROL FREEEEEAK
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WOKE AF
Back text: You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy”, there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.
Back text: You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of doing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.
Product code: CAP-P
PISCES
February 19 - March 20
Product code: AQU-P
ARIES
March 21 - April 19
Pencils:
Pencils:
TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR WILDLY UNDERAPPRECIATED DRINKS LIKE A FISH AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY
I COULD'VE EASILY GONE PRO FIGHT ME I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M DOING FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER Back text: You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because o f your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”
Product code: PIS-P
14
AQUARIUS
January 20 - February 18
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100% Back text: You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.
Product code: ARI-P
TAURUS
April 20 - May 20
GEMINI
May 21 - June 20
Pencils:
Pencils:
INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I'M RIGHT WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING? I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO'SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING
VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL I DON'T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES I'M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF Back text: You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stickto-it-ive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place. Product code: TAU-P
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT Back text: You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re the good kind of crazy. Product code: GEM-P
CANCER
June 21 - July 22
LEO
July 23 - August 22
Pencils:
Pencils:
CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS PROFESSIONAL INTROVERT I'M FINE! NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE I'M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND I'M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! BUT LET'S GET BACK TO ME DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS? LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME SPOON-FEED ME COMPLIMENTS MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER Back text: You’re no stranger to thumbsucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS Back text: You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.
Product code: LEO-P
Product code: CAR-P
15
VIRGO
August 23 - September 22
LIBRA
September 23 - October 22
Pencils:
Pencils:
I COUGHED NOW I'M DEAD LIST-MAKING PENCIL LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY
THANKS FOR NOTHING I'M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME I'M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT'S NO PROBLEM!!!! EASILY DISTRACTE... WHY CAN'T WE ALL GET ALONG? PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY'S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF
Back text: You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.
Back text: You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything. Product code: LIB-P
Product code: VIR-P
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21 Pencils:
Pencils:
CHECKMATE. WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER
I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS? I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON'T DO FAKE RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF Back text: You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge. Product code: SCO-P
16
SAGITTARIUS
November 22 - December 21
Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE Back text: You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischief- makers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-themoment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors. Product code: SAG-P
candles ASTROLOGY
what's YOUR sign? Our 100% soy wax candles. Get the whole set! Each lid has a brightly-colored sticker that matches our Astrology Journals, Soaps, and Pencil Sets. Astrology Candles: Jar size: 2 3/4" diameter x 3 1/2" tall
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
Bergamot Boss fragrance
Progressive Papaya fragrance
Smells like the boss of everyone
Product code: CAP-C
Smells like a real do-gooder
Product code: AQU-C
PISCES
Smells like some serious delusions Driftwood Dreamer fragrance Product code: PIS-C
17
candles
ASTROLOGY
ARIES
TAURUS
Smells like you only ride shotgun
Smells like a gold-plated sundae
Aggressive Agave Lime fragrance
Champagne Chic fragrance
Product code: ARI-C
GEMINI
Smells like a split personality Whimsical Watermelon fragrance Product code: GEM-C
18
Product code: TAU-C
CANCER
Smells like buried emotions Moody Mojitos fragrance Product code: CAR-C
LEO
VIRGO
Smells like it's all about you
Smells like making a list to make a list
Vanilla Vanity fragrance
Overthinking Oranges fragrance
Product code: LEO-C
Product code: VIR-C
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
French Lavender Flirt fragrance
Vindictive Violets fragrance
Wandering White Tea fragrance
Product code: LIB-C
Product code: SCO-C
Product code: SAG-C
Smells like a peacekeeper
Smells like a supervillain
Smells like a disappearing act
19
ASTROLOGY
journals
The inside covers have even more info on each astrological sign, including traits, description, colors, numbers, love matches, famous birthdays, and quotes.
notes from a boss
We are in love with our spiral-bound, lined Astrology Journals! Each one features a cover in a color specific to its astrological sign, and matches the stickers on the Astrology Candles, Soaps, and Pencil Sets. NEW Astrology Journals: Size: 7" tall x 5 1/4" width x 1/2" thick; 100 lined pages “I'm doing pretty good as far as geniuses go.” —Kanye West, Gemini
CAPRICORN
Product code: CAP-J
Boss of the Universe December 22 - January 19
ARIES
20
Product code: ARI-J
AQUARIUS
Product code: AQU-J
PISCES
Spiritual Gangsta
Total Dreamer
January 20 - February 18
February 19 - March 20
TAURUS
Product code: TAU-J
GEMINI
First Class Rager
Self-Appointed Tyrant
Devious Minds
March 21 - April 19
April 20 - May 20
May 21 - June 20
Product code: PIS-J
Product code: GEM-J
CANCER
Hypersensitive Soul June 21 - July 22 Product code: CAR-J
bo
ie n n
Bonnie
"Yeah, I used to have real bangs."*
LEO
Product code: LEO-J
The Most Amazing Person on Earth
VIRGO
Product code: VIR-J
Clueless Perfectionist August 23 - September 22
July 23 - August 22
SAGITTARIUS
Product code: SAG-J
Casual Delinquent
LIBRA
The Self-Described Nice Person in the Room September 23 - October 22
Product code: LIB-J
SCORPIO
Product code: SCO-J
November 22 - December 21
Scary Ass Mind October 23 - November 21
*We all did. 21
This shit is nowhere near as fun as vacationing in Dull, Ohio
I feel amazing when I'm in Nothing, Arizona
Former visitor to Convict Lake, California
I'm totally in love with Shady, New York
Product code: DUL-M
Product code: NOT-M
Product code: CON-M
Product code: SHA-M
Call me delirious when I'm in Sugartit, Kentucky
I drove to Embarrass, Minnesota with my cat
I can't live without my annual trip to Weed, California
I heart my summer vacations in Stalker, Pennsylvania
Product code: SUG-M
22
Product code: EMB-M
Product code: WEE-M
Product code: STA-M
mugs
FAKE-CATION
we get it. you don't have time for a vacation. who does?
And really, what’s the difference between lying about winning a thousand bucks in Vegas over the weekend a nd lying about actually going? Everyone knows it never happened. Kind of like when I said I had an amazing time in Turks and Caicos, but instead went to my uncle’s Jersey wedding and came home with a deep orange tan that totally washed off in the shower. Fake vacations are simply better conversation. So we’ve created an imaginary road trip for you to brag about around the water cooler, complete with interesting factual details so that you can keep your story straight. Unless you’ve got bourbon in that coffee cup. Then you’re on your own, you lush. NEW Mug Singles: Box size: 11" width x 4" tall x 4 1/4" deep
mic
Michael
e ha
l
"THIS is the expression you want me to make?"
I'm a stone cold happy camper when I'm hiking on Bitch Mountain, New York
Everyone should go to Hell, Michigan
Because I'm super freaking in love with Difficult, Tennessee
I'm not happy unless I'm in Normal, Illinois
Product code: BIT-M
Product code: HEL-M
Product code: DIF-M
Product code: NOR-M
I like to drink a White Russian when I'm in Hooker, Oklahoma
I won a free trip to Intercourse, Pennsylvania
I like 'em historical buildings in Rough & Ready, California
I'm a total fan of Screamer, Alabama
Product code: HOO-M
Product code: INT-M
Product code: ROU-M
Product code: SCR-M
23
with free display! Each pack comes with three different journals (4” x 5.5”) banded together. Journals are pocket-sized with rounded corners, blank pages and sturdy, colorful covers. Sold in 4-packs
S h it L is t
And when you buy the JournalPack (JP1), you'll also receive our Kraft brown journal display FREE!
Queen J o u r n a ls fo r D r a m a EE SET OF THR
s
So get your writin’ pencil ready. You’ve got some plagiarizing to do.
Shit List ng ut of Anythi a Big Deal O How to Make e Said h e Said That S e Said That H h S t a h T s g n Thi
3 -PAC K JO U R N A L S :
SET OF THREE
Journals for Artists
Shit List l Out of Anything a e D ig B a e k a M to How That Things That She Saidaid He Said That She S Product code: DRA-J
Lightly Plagiarized Ideas SET OF THREE
Journals for Writers Lightly Plagiarized Ideas Semi-Deplorable Poetr y Mostly Nonsense
3-PACK JOURNALS:
24
Expertly Shaded Curse Words
Educated Critiques EVIL PLAN of Popular Beers SET OF THREE
Journals for Beer Whisperers Educated Critiques of Popular Beers Official Beer Whisperer Notes M o r e A d j e c t i v e s t o D e s c r i b e t h a t E l u s i v e B e e r Ta s t e
3-PACK 3-PACKJOURNALS: JOURNALS:
Lightly Plagiarized Ideas Semi-Deplorable Poetry Mostly Nonsense
EVIL PLAN Educated Critiques of Popular Beers Sketches CoolWhisperer Black Costumes OfficialofBeer Notes TopMore Ten Reasons to Blow Up the that Moon Adjectives to Describe Elusive Beer Taste
Product code: WRI-J
Product code: BEE-J
E x p e r t l y Sh a d e d Cu r s e Wo rd s
My Greatest Ideas SET OF THREE
Journals for Narcissists My Greatest Ideas
Drawings of Pretty Ladies
Quotes by Me
Why G e t t i n g a R e a l J o b Wo u l d K i l l M e
Stuff About Me That Resonates with Me
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Expertly Shaded Curse Words Drawings of Pretty Ladies Why Getting a Real Job Would Kill Me Product code: ART-J
Drawings of Killer Bongs SET OF THREE
Journals for Stoners Drawings of Killer Bongs Barely Coherent Conspiracies N o , Yo u ’ r e H i g h
3-PACK JOURNALS:
3-PACK JOURNALS:
My Greatest Ideas Quotes by Me Stuff About Me That Resonates with Me Product code: NAR-J
Best Yoga Selfies SET OF THREE
Journals for Yogis B e s t Yo g a S e l f i e s Poses That Make Me Look More Athletic O rg a n i c Co co n u t Wate r S u g a r- Fre e D e s s e r t s
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Drawings of Killer Bongs Barely Coherent Conspiracies No, You’re High
Best Yoga Selfies Poses That Make Me Look More Athletic Organic Coconut Water Sugar-Free Desserts
Product code: STO-J
Product code: YOG-J
Why I Live for Summers Ways Teachers are Underappreciated
Wines That Pair Well with Grading Papers
Exercises I Probs Won't Do
SET OF THREE
Journals for Teachers Wi n e s Th at Pa i r We l l w i t h G ra d i n g Pa p e r s
SET OF THREE
Journals for #Goals
Why I Live for Summers
E xe rc i s e s I Pro b s Wo n' t D o
W a y s Te a c h e r s a r e U n d e r a p p r e c i a t e d
Motivational Quotes I Copied from the Internet #Goals I Stole from Friends
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Wines That Pair Well with Grading Papers Why I Live for Summers Ways Teachers are Underappreciated
People Who Made Me This Way SET OF THREE
Journals for Zero Fucks Pe o p l e Wh o M a d e M e Th i s Way N u m b e r o f T i m e s I S a i d F u c k I t To d a y Journal of No Fucks
3-PACK JOURNALS:
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Best Breakfast Chardonnays SET OF THREE
Journals for Winos Best Breakfast Chardonays Wi n e s Th at Pa i r We l l w i t h O t h e r Wi n e s Energizing Wines for the Shower
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Exercises I Probs Won't Do Motivational Quotes I Copied from the Internet #Goals I Stole from Friends
Best Breakfast Chardonnays Wines That Pair Well with Other Wines Energizing Wines for the Shower
Product code: TEA-J
Product code: GOA-J
Product code: WIN-J
Top Ten Ways I Was Ignored
To Do Lists I’ll Never Do
Violations of Your/You're
SET OF THREE
Journals for the Middle Child
SET OF THREE
Journals for Procrastinators
SET OF THREE
Journals for Grammar Police
To p Te n W a y s I W a s I g n o r e d
To D o L i s t s I ’ l l N e v e r D o
R e f l e c t i o n s o n Favo r i t i s m
G o a l s f o r Ye a r A f t e r N e x t
Unsolicited Grammatical Revisions I’ve Sent to Random Companies
Why Middle Children are Superior
Unused Journal
Official Grammar Police Manual
3-PACK JOURNALS:
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Violations of Your/You're
3-PACK JOURNALS:
People Who Made Me This Way Number of Times I Said Fuck It Today Journal of No Fucks
Top Ten Ways I Was Ignored Reflections on Favoritism Why Middle Children are Superior
To Do Lists I’ll Never Do Goals for Year After Next Unused Journal
Violations of Your/You're Unsolicited Grammatical Revisions I've Sent to Random Companies Official Grammar Police Manual
Product code: ZER-J
Product code: MID-J
Product code: PRO-J
Product code: GRA-J
Why Heels Work Even at the Gym
New Ways to Style Beards
Top Reasons to Stay Home
EVIL PLAN
SET OF THREE
Journals for the Classy AF Why H e e l s Wo r k Eve n at t h e Gy m H o w To B e C l a s s y A F Champagnes That Pair with Solo Cups
3-PACK JOURNALS:
SET OF THREE
Journals for Hipsters N ew Ways to St y l e B e a rd s Cra f t B e e r s I L i ke d B e fo re Th ey We re Co o l B e s t F o o d Ta t t o o s
3-PACK JOURNALS:
SET OF THREE
Journals for Introverts To p R e a s o n s t o S t a y H o m e 1-Person Par ty Ideas The Joys of Isolation
3-PACK JOURNALS:
SET OF THREE
Journals for Supervillains EVIL PLAN Sketches of Cool Black Costumes To p Te n R e a s o n s t o B l o w U p t h e M o o n
3-PACK JOURNALS:
Why Heels Work Even at the Gym How to be Classy AF Champagnes That Pair with Solo Cups
New Ways to Style Beard Craft Beers I Liked Before They Were Cool Best Food Tattoos
Top Reasons to Stay Home 1-Person Party Ideas The Joys of Isolation
EVIL PLAN Sketches of Cool Black Costumes Top Ten Reasons to Blow Up the Moon
Product code: CLA-J
Product code: HIP-J
Product code: INT-J
Product code: SUP-J
25
BIRTHDAY BLUES Smells like every birthday after 21
Which is cool, because I'm still 21. Just like every year. Product code: BIR-B
SINGLE LADIES
THE MIDDLE CHILD
Smells like Beyoncé's breath Product code: MID-B
Largely invisible scent
Go ahead and dye your hair purple. No one will notice.
CAT PEOPLE
Smells like a fizzing hairball What? It's not like there wasn't one in the tub anyway. Product code: CAT-B
26
EXTROVERTS Smells like hi!!!!!!!
Singles exclamations points are not part of my lexicon. Product code: EXT-B
BAKE & BATHE Smells like medicinal use
And the time of your life.
In some states. In other states, it just smells like weed.
Product code: SIN-B
Product code: BAK-B
FML
NAMASTE
DAY DRINKING
Or a cult. And a whole lot of green smoothies.
And Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and you get the drill.
In one way or another. Most likely in a tequila bottle.
Product code: NAM-B
Product code: DAY-B
Product code: FML-B
Smells like enlightenment
Smells like Saturday
Smells like drowning
THE FIRST CHILD Smells like you're just more important
You had to have your own bath bomb, didn't you. Product code: FIC-B
CLASSY AF
Smells like gettin' naked
GRAMMAR POLICE
TEACHERS
YOU'RE THE WORST
Ahahahaha. It's so easy to get under your skin.
Or at least having PTSD about it.
(That, and you've got a really cute butt.)
Product code: GRA-B
Product code: TEA-B
Product code: YOU-B
Smells like your annoying
QUEENS
Smells like major drama
And then dressed up to get messed up. (Fragrance: Black currant)
And if you don't like this bath bomb, I'm going to set myself on fire!
Product code: CLA-B
Product code: QUE-B
WRITER'S BLOCK Smells like regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire. Come on. It's a bath bomb, not magic. Try vodka. Product code: WRI-B
WHAT KIDS?
Smells like a locked door I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you. Product code: WHA-B
Smells like grading papers, even on your honeymoon
DOG PEOPLE
Smells like a wet, drooling dog Ok. It doesn't. Unless your dog is also taking a bath. Product code: DOG-B
Smells like that's why I love you
SICK DAYS
Smells like a mini vacation Sometimes it's the only way to get a day off. Product code: SIC-B
IT'S ONLY FRICKIN' TUESDAY
ZERO FUCKS
There's no way in hell I'm going to make it to Friday, people.
And frankly, I don't blame you. Much.
Product code: FRI-B
Product code: ZER-B
Smells like slowly dying
Smells like you have none left to give
27
EPIC FAILS Smells like teeny, tiny mistake, ok?
But hopefully this soap will make up for it, it’s like all handmade and stuff.
Product codes: EPI-S / EPI-C
YOU'RE THE WORST Smells like that's why I love you (That, and you've got a really cute butt.)
Product codes: YOU-S / YOU-C
Soap
Soap Pepsi latte Back side: aApologetically foaming soap aHelps wash away failure aLimits new mistakes
Snarky candy hearts Candle Candle
Back side: aYou’re lucky I’m so desperate a(Lol) aYou’ll do
EXTROVERTS Smells like hi!!!!!!!
Single exclamation points are not part of my lexicon.
The sun in human form (Juicy Fruit)
Back side: aHi!!!!!!!!!!!! aCome out! Come out! aComeoutcomeoutcomeout
Product codes: EXT-S / EXT-C Soap
Candle
a
y b b
Abby
28
"Purple glitter eyeshadow? I have to go to my other job right after this."
THE FIRST CHILD Smells like you're just more important You had to have your own soap, didn’t you. Product codes: FIC-S / FIC-C
Soap
Candle
silv
S i l ve r
er
"No one's going to see this, right?" *
Brand-new everything (Wintergreen) Back side: aReduces parental pressure aKeeps younger siblings out of your stuff aIs practically perfect, too
SILVER LININGS Smells like fuck silver linings You know that every silver lining has a cloud, right?
Product codes: SIL-S / SIL-C Soap
Cotton candy nightmare
Candle
Back side: aTomorrow’s a new day! aDuh. aBut really. It is.
*Nope.
29
HAPPY CAMPERS Smells like an oxymoron
You know you can just make s’mores in the microwave, right?
Product codes: HAP-S / HAP-C Soap Nuked s'mores
m a j
es
Back side: aIncreases instances of squatting in the woods aWho needs plumbing? aBugs are people, too
Candle
James
"Blue Steel? Yes, I can do Blue Steel."
WHEN I WAS A KID
Smells like eating Tide out of the box Things were freaking tough back then. Tide Pods
Back side: a Mmmm... a Tasty a Don’t eat detergent, kid
Product codes: WHE-S / WHE-C
Soap
Candle
30
DRINKING BUDDIES Smells like a match made in tequila Keeping the local bar open. Just another service we provide. Dos margaritas Back side: aFancy meeting you here a Just like yesterday a Barkeep! Product codes: DRI-S / DRI-C
Soap
Candle
MESSY PEOPLE
SMART FUCKERS
Smells like a potential genius
Smells like go away
Just look at Einstein, Steve Jobs, and all those people on Hoarders.
I prefer hanging out with people who are just a little bit dumber than me.
Product codes: MEP-S / MEP-C
Product codes: SMF-S / SMF-C Smarties candy
Back side: aDumbing down formula aHelps intellectuals to "fit in" better aStops pesky thinking
Soap
Soap
Candle
Unopened Mr. Clean
Back side: aAdds to clutter! aLooks good on a messy desk aFun find 2 years later!
Candle
31
CAT PEOPLE Smells like purring
And a fresh hairball under your foot.
Product codes: CAT-S / CAT-C Soap Warm milk scent
Back side: aMy cat has an Instagram aLint rollers in the car aDog people suck
Candle
SINGLE LADIES
Smells like Beyoncé's breath And the best time of your life.
SOCIAL ANXIETY Smells like a list of pre-planned excuses
Are you kidding me? I really did break my glass eye and set the waterbed on fire. Product codes: SOC-S / SOC-C
Product codes: SIN-S / SIN-C
Soap
Soap
Vodka Vitamin Water Back side: aI have Ebola aMy hamster ran away aI just found out I'm a hologram
Lemonade Candle
Back side: aDo whatever the F you want aNo in-laws aShould've put a ring on it....
DOG PEOPLE
MORNING PEOPLE
And drool. Lots and lots of drool.
Uh-oh. Does somebody have a case of the Mondays?
Smells like unconditional love
Smells like a hell no
Product codes: DOG-S / DOG-C Soap
Product codes: MOR-S / MOR-C Soap
Grassy dog park scent
32
Back side: aDrawer of embarrassing costumes aWet chew toys everywhere aCat people are freaks
Candle
Sugar cereal coma scent Candle
Back side: aWhat alarm? aStop talking so loud aI can cut you
Candle
COLORADO IS THE STANDARD Product codes: STO-S / STO-C COLORADO Soap
Product codes: VTS-S / VTS-C
Product codes: NES-S / NES-C
VERMONT Soap
NEVADA Soap
VERMONT Candle
NEVADA Candle
COLORADO Candle
Cannabis scent
Product codes: CST-S / CST-C
Product codes: MIS-S / MIS-C
Product codes: OST-S / OST-C
Product codes: WST-S / WST-C
CALIFORNIA Soap
MICHIGAN Soap
OREGON Soap
WASHINGTON Soap
CALIFORNIA Candle
MICHIGAN Candle
OREGON Candle
WASHINGTON Candle
Back side: aGateway soap aAntagonizes DEA aApproved for medicinal purposes
BOOK CLUB
Product codes: MAS-S / MAS-C
Product codes: AKS-S / AKS-C
Smells like why. Oh yeah, wine.
MASSACHUSETTS Soap
ALASKA Soap
I'm in like four book clubs and I only read cereal boxes.
MASSACHUSETTS Candle
ALASKA Candle
Product codes: DCS-S / DCS-C
Product codes: MES-S / MES-C
WASH DC Soap
MAINE Soap
WASH DC Candle
MAINE Candle
BIRTHDAY BLUES Smells like every birthday after 21
Which is cool, because I'm still 21. Just like every year.
Product codes: BOO-S / BOO-C
Soap Wine and paperbacks Candle
Back side: aPairs well with gossip aAnd wine aAnd more wine
BEING AWESOME
Smells like a cool story, bro No really. I looove hearing every single detail about that one time.
Product codes: BIR-S / BIR-C
Soap
Soap
Sad birthday cake Back side: aI never get carded anymore aAnd I'm STILL 21. Pinky swear. aWill you stop counting already?
Product codes: BEI-S / BEI-C
Candle
Candle
One surfing lesson scent (Ocean scented) Back side: aDude. aFist bump! aAwesomesauce.
33
ZERO FUCKS Smells like you have none left to give
And frankly, I don't blame you. Much.
candles Product codes: ZER-S / ZER-C
Okay Moms
Soap
Creamsicle scent
Cat People Writer's Block
Back side: aTired aOf aIt
Candle
GRAMMAR POLICE Smells like your annoying
Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin.
Dog People Stoners Day Drinking
Product codes: GRA-S / GRA-C Soap Jelly doughnut scent Candle
Zero Fucks
Back side: aYour/you’re aTheir/there/they’re aThings I've just learned since Facebook
THE MIDDLE CHILD
It's Only
Largely invisible scent
Frickin' Tuesday
Go ahead and dye your hair purple. No one will notice.
Gettin' Lit Namaste
34
Product codes: MID-S / MID-C Soap Purple haze scent (Grape scented) Back side: aMagnifies misery aYour sister’s wedding was just beautiful aWho are you again?
Candle
HOT MESSES
AWKWARD MOMENTS
Smells like major entertainment Seriously, I can't wait to hear your latest installment.
Smells like your entire life Increases instances of missed highfives & blind dates with your dad
Product codes: HOT-S / HOT-C Soap
Product codes: AWK-S / AWK-C
Soap
Cheap lip gloss scent Candle
Back side: aEncourages late nights aEnhances walks of shame aKnows the best happy hours
A MAN’S MAN Smells like Alaska
Which, I guess smells like wet bear fur and salmon. Yum.
Sketchy ointment scent
Back side: aFly unzipped aUnwanted eye contact aWrong person
Candle
GETTIN' LIT
Smells like lunchtime cocktails and other bad ideas But I like bad ideas. Meet me around noon?
Product codes: MAN-S / MAN-C Soap
Product codes: GET-S / GET-C Soap
Blizzard campfire scent Back side: aGood for bear wrasslin’ aDoesn’t talk much either aWill drink you under the hand-hewn table
Umbrella drinks Candle
IT’S ONLY FRICKIN’ TUESDAY Smells like slowly dying
There’s no way in hell I’m going to make it to Friday, people.
Gum smacking co-worker scent (Spearmint) Back side: aWake me up on Thursday aI’m already four coffees in aYawn.
Product codes: FRI-S / FRI-C Soap
Candle
Candle
Back side: aWho cares if it's only Tuesday aIt'll break up the week aLet's do this
OKAY MOMS
Smells like truth And wine. Probably a lot of wine.
Product codes: OKA-S / OKA-C
Soap Sippy cup wine Candle
Back side: aPairs well with nap time aIs also tired of perfect moms aYour kids love you anyway
35
THE BASIC
Smells like Lululemon and Finstas Oh. Em. Gee. Let's get lit tonight and sing 80s songs at karaoke.
Product codes: BAS-S / BAS-C
Soap Pumpkin spice latte Candle
Back side: aMy hair straightener is bomb AF aI'm just wearing leggings aChipotle is my liiiife
BEER WHISPERERS Smells like IPA insanity
Bright, fresh and piney with hints of nobody cares and where’s my PBR?
m
a
ur
n e e
Maureen "O. M. G."
Product codes: BEE-S / BEE-C Soap Oatmeal stout Back side: aThe proof is in the beer belly aSome of us just want a buzz aUh-oh: Craft weed is trending....
BRIDESMAIDS
Candle
CAF+FIEND
Smells like peach chiffon and ruffles
Try upstaging the bride in THAT.
Product codes: CAF-S / CAF-C Product codes: BRI-S / BRI-C
Soap
Soap
CAF+FIEND
Peach schnapps
36
Back side: aIt's all about the bride! a(It's all about my hookup...) aJust tell me who's single
Roasted coffee scent Candle
Candle
THE CREATIVE TYPE
CLASSY AF
Smells like sink bathing and dry shampoo
Smells like brain vomit
You can't help it. The ideas just spew everywhere.
And then dressed up to get messed up.
Product codes: CLA-S / CLA-C Smelly marker
Soap The little black soap
Back side: aPairs well with a Sharpie aThe one in your pocket aThat vandalizes bathroom stalls all by itself
(Fragrance: Black currant)
Back side: aChampagne in a Solo cup aHeels at the gym aMani-pedi before sentencing
Candle
DAD BODS
Product codes: CRE-S / CRE-C Soap
Candle
DAD JOKES
Smells like cookies & cable sports
Smells like groaning kids Why do the jokes always happen in the car? #captiveaudience
Hey, it’s not your fault if chicks are into it
Product codes: DAD-S / DAD-C Soap
Product codes: DAJ-S / DAJ-C
Soap Toasted marshmallow scent
Corniest corn bread
Back side: aPairs well with couch time aBuilds unwavering confidence aBring me another beer
Candle Candle
DAY DRINKING
EVIL DICTATORS
Smells like Saturday
Scented with the plight of the people
And Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and you get the drill.
Washes away any pathetic attempts at democracy
Product codes: DAY-S / DAY-C
Product codes: EVI-S / EVI-C
Soap
Stale tobacco scent
Mojitos
Back side: aPairs well with daytime TV aHelps pass the time aSeamless segue into nighttime drinking
Candle
Back side: aHey Dad, make me a sandwich aPoof! You're a sandwich a#sloweyeroll
Back side: aInspires fear aA favorite of state-run media aLooks good on a horse
Soap
Candle
37
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
FAKE NEWS
Smells like drinking the Kool-Aid
Smells like your European vacation was a real bummer
No wonder everyone has their heads in the sand.
What, your wifi isn't working? Tears, buddy.
Product codes: FAK-S / FAK-C
Product codes: FIR-S / FIR-C
Soap Orange Kool-Aid Back side: aYou're fake news aNo, you are! aTakes one to know one, poser news
I said no almonds (Almond) Candle
Back side: aHot Pocket is still frozen aMy AC is FREEZING aRipped jeans now too ripped
Back side: aReformats your hard drive aEffective at killing viruses aMade with The Force
Smells like perfect abs and a fabulous career
No one else understands the scent
It would help if I got out of bed before noon. #fail
Product codes: GEE-S / GEE-C
Product codes: GOA-S / GOA-C
Soap
Soap
Candle
Unicorn farts (Rainbow sherbet) Back side: aWrinkle-free everything aCalorie-free pizza aEx in a man romper
Smells like big money and happiness in your future
Smells like a flask in your pocket Hey, even the DMV is tolerable with enough booze.
Always believe the positive fortune cookies.
Product codes: GOF-S / GOF-C
Product codes: GOO-S / GOO-C
Soap
38
Candle
GOOD FORTUNE
GOOD TIMES
Straight up hooch scent (Rum & coke) Back side: aFamily drama aRenewing your license aRunning into your ex
Candle
#GOALS
GEEKS
Wifi scented
Cucumber, wasabi & cilantro scent
Soap
Soap Fortune cookie
Candle
Back side: aRiches! aLove! aHungry in an hour!
Candle
HANGOVERS
HEY GIRL
Smells like hair of the dog
Smells like boyfriend material
And don’t talk to me again until I’m on my second Bloody Mary.
Someone is channeling Ryan Gosling.
Product codes: HEY-S / HEY-C
Product codes: HAN-S / HAN-C Soap
Soap Green appletini
Bloody Mary scent Back side: aWhy do I do this to myself? aLast night was fun, lol aWhat’s on tap for tonight?
Candle
Back side: a"Girl, you got this" a"I love those pajama jeans" a"I made brownies for dinner"
I DON'T MATH
HIPSTERS
Coffee, bacon & craft beer scent
Back side: aEncourages pretension aSustains elitism aDisintegrates into normcore when wet
Coffee, bacon & craft beer
Smells like tipping fifty bucks on a thirty-dollar check
Smells just like your beard
But really, is anyone complaining?
Product codes: IDM-S / IDM-C
Product codes: HIP-S / HIP-C Soap
Soap Key lime Pi
Candle
Back side: aNumbers give me hives aThis is why calculators exist aAnd fingers... and toes
Smells like somebody's passive-aggressive
Unscented
Because seriously, you’re not going anywhere anyway
No, really. It's fine. I'm fine. It's all fine. Really.
Product codes: ITF-S / ITF-C
Product codes: INT-S / INT-C
Back side: aGreat solo activity aRespects your space aWon’t ask you to an event
Candle
IT'S FINE
INTROVERTS
Unscented
Candle
Soap
Soap Plain tap water Candle
Back side: aWhatever aI'm not mad aIt's fine
Candle
39
LEFTIES
KARMA
Smells like the weird scissors
Scented with HAHAHAHA. Sorry not sorry.
Can’t you like, be normal or something?
Product codes: KAR-S / KAR-C Soap
Product codes: LEF-S / LEF-C
Candle
Laughing Buddha scent (Sandalwood scented) Back side: aHa. aHa. aHa.
Soap Preschool Paste Jar scent (Mint)
Back side: aThe old gross baseball glove aBackwards coffee mugs aDinnertime elbow wars
Candle
MANSPLAINING
LOVE STINKS
Smells like thank you sooooo much
Smells like chocolate and swearing off dating
I never would have figured out the pencil sharpener without you.
Until it doesn't.
Product codes: MNG-S / MNG-C
Product codes: LOV-S / LOV-C Soap Chocolate strawberries
Back side: aNo more! aI'm great! aI'm so lonely...
Candle
MIDLIFE CRISIS Smells like a motorcycle Or a perm. Or a food truck.
Product codes: MIC-S / MIC-C Soap
Soap This is how coffee smells Back side: aSo THAT'S how you spell my name aAnd spell my hometown aAnd dress like a real woman
NAMASTE
Smells like enlightenment Or a cult. And a whole lot of green smoothies.
Product codes: NAM-S / NAM-C Soap
Kumquat tree scent
40
Back side: aWon’t fade new tattoos aMild on recent piercings aLikes 22-year-olds, too
Candle
Candle
Candle
Om scent (Lavender & eucalyptus scented) Back side: aGratitude for yoga pants aDownward dog anyplace, anywhere, anytime aBreathe.
NAPPING
QUEENS
Smells like my one true love
Smells like major drama
Seriously. Don't try to come between me and my naps, 'less you want cut.
And if you don’t like this soap, I’m going to set myself on fire!
Product codes: NAP-S / NAP-C
Product codes: QUE-S / QUE-C Soap
Soap Mtn. Dew sugar crash Candle
Back side: aMidmorning nap aAfter-lunch nap aAfter-nap nap
Just bite me scent (Cherry candy scented) Back side: aTalk to the hand. aI’m. Going. Out. And don’t even think of following me a(Text me later, boo)
Candle
SHIT SHOWS
SELFIES
Smells like last night
And basically my whole life, in case you were wondering.
Scented with eye-rolling and general derision Anti-kissy lips
Product codes: SHI-S / SHI-C
Product codes: SEL-S / SEL-C Soap
Bubblegum scent
Back side: aReplaces phone in bathroom aGently removes narcissism aNixes driver’s seat pictures
Candle
SLIGHTLY UNHINGED
Smells like unpredictable behavior Which is completely sexy until you stab someone
Product codes: SLI-S / SLI-C Jello shots scent
Back side: a20% scary aAlways exciting a35% scarier after cocktails
Soap Fireball shots scent (red hot cinnamon) Back side: aI did what? aSo THAT'S how I got that bruise aIt was fun, though, right?
Candle
SMALL TOWNS
Smells like everything is relative But not like marrying your relative or anything. Chill out. It's just a date.
Soap
Product codes: SMA-S / SMA-C Soap
Candle
Candle
Root beer float Back side: aOMG, high school sports! aWe're getting a Chipotle??? aComplain all you want, but you'll miss it when you leave
41
TINY SUCCESSES
SUNDAY FUNDAY
Smells like unburned microwave popcorn
Smells like mimosas & cheap gossip And a Monday morning call-in sick day.
This is just the first of many teeny tiny successes to come.
Product codes: SUN-S / SUN-C
Product codes: TIN-S / TIN-C
Soap
Soap Caramel popcorn
Mimosas scent
Back side: aBooze-soaked appetizers aBooze-soaked future plans aBooze-soaked Uber ride home
Candle
Back side: aCongrats! aYou deserve a gold bar aOf soap. You're welcome.
WOO GIRLS
TRUE ARTISTS
Smells like WOOOOO! WOO! WOOOOO!
Smells like unemployment Combined with ramen noodles and high-quality paintbrushes.
You know who you are.
Product codes: TRU-S / TRU-C
Product codes: WOO-S / WOO-C
Soap
Soap Watermelon shots
Art studio fumes scent
Candle
Back side: aHelps keep you from working for the man aInspires all-nighters aIs dead broke, too
Candle
Candle
Back side: aShots! aShots! aShots!
YUGE MISTAKES
WRITER'S BLOCK
Smells like a comb-over
Smells like regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire
But a really super terrific comb-over like you’ve never seen before.
Come on. It's a bar of soap, not magic. Try vodka.
Product codes: YUG-S / YUG-C Product codes: WRI-S / WRI-C Soap
Candle
42
Cheap whiskey scent
Back side: aZaps implausible plots aEliminates derivative work aBetter for your liver
Fat cat scent (Cubans & cognac) Back side: aMakes washing great again aOnly losers don’t use soap aIncredible formula made by the best most intelligent people
Soap
Candle
Addie
"Can we frame this and send it to Meema & Opa?"
ORDER MINIMUMS: First order: $150.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River products. Re-orders: $100.00 – any combination of current Whiskey River soaps, candles, bath bombs and journals. TERMS: New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash or credit card. Please attach a credit sheet for future terms Net 30. Established accounts: Net 30.
FYI: Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense. ‘NOTHER FYI: All our soaps, candles and bath bombs are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation! MORE FYI GARBAGE: INGREDIENTS: Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like coffee beans and grounds in the CAF+FIEND and glitter in the Queens. The basic ingredients (which are all printed on the labels) are: Coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, fragrance. Bath Bombs contain sodium bicarbonate, citric acid (for fizzing), food-grade PEG, alcohol, coloring and fragrance. Some contain small amounts of glitter. Bath bombs for Dog People and Classy AF also contain activated charcoal for color. NOTE: Bath bombs are just for fun. Caution: For adult use only. Use only as directed. Excessive use or prolonged exposure may cause irritation to skin and urinary tract. Keep out of eyes and mouth. Discontinue use if rash, redness, or itching occur. Consult your physician if irritation persists. Keep out of the reach of children. Our candles are 100% soy wax with added color & fragrance. The end.
Terms and Conditions of Credit • All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from the date shipped. • A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, prepayment may be required. • Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Co. all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law. PAYMENT: Company check, money order, cash, or credit card SHIPPING: Orders shipped via UPS within the continental USA or via Priority Mail elsewhere, unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of the Whiskey River Soap Co. CLAIMS: Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 10 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. RETURNS: Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30 day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer. Please call 740-973-9817 for authorization and additional instructions. PRICING: Prices are subject to change without notice. This order form and pricing supersedes all others. 2019 prices are effective January 1, 2019. NOTE ABOUT PERISHABLE PRODUCTS: Our products are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque.
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astrology pencil-pack
astrology soap-pack
All 12 Astrology Pencil Packs
All 12 Astrology Soap Packs
(4 packs each sign)
(4 packs each sign)
Smells like some serious delusions
Product code: AP1
Product code: AS1
DRIFTWOOD DREAMER
S O A P
F O
R
PISCES A
F E B RUA RY 19 - M A RC H 2 0
N E T W T. 6 O Z / 17 0 G
astrology candle-pack
astrology journal-pack
All 12 Astrology Candle Sets
All 12 Astrology Journal Sets
(4 candles each sign)
(4 journals each sign)
Product code: AC1
Product code: AJ1
soap-pack
SP1 BEST SELLERS SOAPS 14-PACK
Comes with 14 best sellers (4 soaps each) for a total of 56 soaps, plus a free display on your first order! Product code: SP1
display
journal display
FREE when you fill it
FREE when filled with journals and with JP1 on initial journal orders.
with product! Product code: DB
Additional fee for extra displays. Product code: JD
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new pencil-pack Comes with all 7 pencil styles (4 styles each) for a total of 28 pencil packs. Product code: PP1
BP1 BATH BOMBS 12-PACK
bomb-pack Comes with 12 best-selling bath bomb styles (4 bombs each), 48 total bombs Product code: BP1
candle-pack
CP1 BEST SELLERS CANDLES 6-PACK
Comes with 6 best sellers (3 candles each) for a total of 18 candles. Product code: CP1
all-white candle option Haley
If you would prefer your candles to all be WHITE for aesthetic reasons, we're down with that! NO EXTRA CHARGE!
"Fake bangs make me look 12. Hmph!" *
Product code: AWC
pencil display
journal-pack Comes with a case pack of 10 best-selling journal sets & FREE display (40 journal sets) Product code: JP1
includes: Teachers Grammar Police Procrastinators #Goals Winos Middle Child Zero Fucks Drama Queens Introverts Writers
FREE when filled with pencils. Additional fee for extra displays. Product code: PD
h
e al
y *Yes, they do. 45
stuff people emailed us. “Had to tell you your branding is brilliant! So innovative! Huge kudos and many sales!" – Marilyn ....
“Hello, Good Morning! I just wanted to say that I love all the names for your soap company!! Thanks for the laughs this morning... my co-worker and I were in tears! Well done. You really have something special here :-) I will be ordering these in the future!"
“I haven’t laughed out loud at six in the morning for a long time. I’ll be back to your website and buy some stuff for the holidays. But, just wanted to thank you for making me laugh—I need soap for cynical misanthropes that used to be optimistic." – Lisa
.... “Hello. I have just come across your website. Absolutely brilliant! And you’ve given me loads of laughs already, and It’s not even mid-morning yet!"
– Cassandra
.... “Dear Whiskey River Soap Company!!!!!! You guys are awesome!!! My friend and I found your products on Pinterest. We were both having a bad day. And we started to scroll through all your different soaps, reading each the little descriptions on it and they made our day ten times better. We couldn't stop laughing for a good 45 minutes. I just had to thank you for being an amazing company and brightening our day!!"
– Nerissa – Naomi
.... “I just spent an hour laughing as I read through your soaps and candles... please, do you have any Australian stockists?"
.... “It’s so full of awesome and as a middle child I look forward to the arrival of my soap! Thank you for a morning of laughter."
– Kat – Joanne
.... “I just wanted to take the time to tell you guys how happy I am with your products. I have purchased many different items as gifts for my loved ones. They truly are the perfect gift for people who are impossible to buy for, and I recommend them as gifts for anyone who will bother to listen to me. I also contacted you guys about not including a price in a gift and you offered to send a message which made the purchase that much better (and you responded to my email unbelievably fast). I am sure being in sales, you're contacted with a lot of complaints because customers are the worst, so I wanted to take the time to offer my praise. So show this email to your boss, ask for raise, or at least to get out early on this Friday!" – One of your loyal customers, Rachel 46
.... “So my family and I were in the OBX this summer, and in a small bookstore in Corolla, we stumbled upon some of your candles. We purchased Yuge Mistakes and LOVE it. I just found your site and spent the last hour reading the candles and their corresponding description! Very well done and extremely well written!! Can't stop laughing." – Chris
.... “You are, hands down, my new favorite find/company/go to gift source. Priceless!”
Zane
"Ahahahaha."
– Pam
stuff people emailed us. “I am visiting family, and yesterday while window shopping with friends, I walked into a local shop. I moved through the aisles at a leisurely pace, occasionally picking up an item to peruse more thoroughly, only to place back on the shelf. Finally, at the far end of where I started, I came upon a display of Whiskey River Soaps. I had never heard of nor seen your soap line. I began to giggle, then chuckle, then laugh loudly. I called my friends over and soon, they too were laughing loudly.
“I saw a Bored Panda ad on Facebook, clicked on it, and it showcased some of your soaps. So of course I went straight to your website, and am in tears!!!!! Holy cow, I know what I’m getting EVERYONE for Christmas!!! Thank you SO much for the much-needed laugh—this has been a craphole week!" – Bev
....
I purchased Zero Fucks for a friend because as baby boomers, we frequently mention how our Give-ACrap meters are broken. This is not to say that we have grown completely jaded. Baby smiles, puppy licks, kitten purrs, California Chardonnay, all still manifest warm fuzzies for us. But let's be honest, as a civilization we are doomed, so simple pleasures are becoming touchstones of sanity in an ever-increasing chaotic world. Hence, my sincere gratitude for the delightfully honest marketing of your soaps. I will be sure to purchase more in the future." – Rebecca
....
“...The priceless factor is from the labels. Quite clever. So much snark, packed into just a few brief lines on the labels– impressive. Intellectual. Inventive. And a whole lot of other "i" words, if I wanted to continue on that alliterative groove. Whoever is writing for you should be working in Hollywood. Reading your soap labels is far more entertaining than any sitcom I've seen, in a long time. So freakin' funny, I was compelled to tell you so. You have surpassed my standard for comedy, stepping ahead of my daily default: watching classic sitcom re-runs and BBC comedy The Vicar of Dibley on Netflix, when there is nothing else of value on television. Reading your soap labels is now my new passion. Well done! I take my hat off to you. Well, if I had a hat. :(" – Claire
“G’day from New Zealand, Whiskey River Soap Company!
....
First of all, your products have been the highlight of my week. Where have you been all my life? There’s just enough snark balanced with a quality product to tempt me to alter my budget drastically! "
....
“I live in Brisbane, Australia. I woke up this morning, got on Pinterest social media and I saw two of your products posted. I laughed my head off. These soaps and candles are so witty and facetious. You made my day they are so funny but so true. I have posted quite a few of your products on my comedy board on Pinterest: Being Awesome, Cool Kids, The Middle Child, and more. Who knows, it might lead to more sales for you!
“I am absolutely crying with laughter at your soaps! Love them... do you post to the UK?"
Keep up the good work. The world needs more laughter and you have provided me with plenty."
– Jayshree
– Robert
....
....
– Danni
“I haven’t laughed this much in ages! Do you know how hard it is to explain to your husband you were just reading soap labels?!!!"
“Hey, I really like your job. Can you send it to Brazil?" – Camila
– Kayla
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someone said... “Our customers love the soaps! At both stores, we keep the soap display close to the registers. At the Wharf store, I often overhear customers exclaiming and giggling as they browse the soap display and we've also gotten comments about how good the store smells.” - Jen C., Wholesale Customer Politics and Prose at The Wharf, Washington D.C. .... “The originator of our “Borrow My Pens” and “Take Out Fake-Out” bags has a very funny line of soap and candles you need to buy - and like right now.” - Fred & Friends .... “The first time I laid eyes on Whiskey River Soap products, I knew they would be a hit! Fun, quality products with a bit of sass! First came the soap and candles, then the bath bombs and journals... then BAM! Astrology! I can't wait to see the next big thing you come out with and can't wait to show my accounts! 'Cause baby, this stuff sells!” - Bonnie Butler, Sales Rep Candace & Company
w w w.whiskeyriversoap.com • sales@whiskeyriversoap.com 48