Fresher's Magazine

FRESHERS’

e n i z a g ma ‘09

VC

Freshers’ Magazine written and designed by: Martin Williams, Jim Norton, Andrew Nichols, Jenny McLarney, Rachel Knox, Kelly Holt, and Patrick Harte.

Welcome!

Two months ago, York’s famed Chancellor, Greg Dyke, received an email asking if he’d like to write an introduction to this magazine. He agreed eagerly and then never wrote it. Gutted.

Despite the upsetting lack of chancellors, we hope you enjoy a flick through our

Freshers’ Magazine - a lighthearted look at what to expect for the next few years.

It’s an exciting time in York at the moment - not only has the Uni just spent £500 million on an extension, but also, York Vision has relaunched it’s award-winning website!

Yorkvision.co.uk is the best way to keep up to date with all the latest campus news, reviews, interviews and much more. We’re constantly improving and adding to it, so we’d love to hear your comments.

If you’d like to get involved with Vision, the UK’s

most awarded student paper, come and find us at Freshers’ Fair on Saturday. We’re always after new people and it’s really easy to get involved, what ever aspect you’re interested in.

You can email at vision@yusu.org.

See you soon!

Jim Norton & Martin Williams York Vision Editors

McLarney.

DAY 1

DAY 2 DAY 7

DAY 3

DAY 4

30

things you NEVER knew about York

THE MYTHS AND LEGENDS OF YORK UNIVERSITY THAT REALLY ARE TRUE...

1

There used to be an underground rifle range beneath the library.

2 3 4

Nelson Mandela’s daughter applied to York.

Goodricke once elected an inflatable sex doll and a hoover to their JCRC.

11 12 13

URY was Britain’s first legal independent radio station.

Last year there were reports of ghosts in Halifax College.

A dog once stood for Student Union president.

The Quiet Place next to Derwent is most commonly used for streaking.

5

The Student Centre was once re-named ‘The Vaseline Building’. The makers of Vaseline awarded them £6,000 for “original advertising.”

6

The lowest known final degree mark of a graduate is 35.2% - the pass mark is 35%!

7

The lift in the library was made by a company called ‘Schindler’s Lifts’.

8

Recently, YUSU’s Welfare Officer quit after she punched a student in a drunken outburst.

9 10

John Peel DJ’d the first ever URY show in 1968.

Last year’s YUSU president was a ‘joke candidate’ called Mad Cap’n Tom Scott who dressed up as a pirate.

23

York’s most famous duck was Trevor, a Ruddy Shelduck, who died in 2007 after a 6-year reign over campus.

14 15 16 17

The presidents of Portugal and South Korea were both students at York.

The library has thousands of DVDs that are available for free

24 25 26

There is a large bronze Buddah near Vanbrugh.

Pink Floyd played in one of the colleges.

The Charles XII pub in Heslington has the second highest turnover of any pub in Yorkshire

In 1992, a student murdered a lecturer in a bedroom on campus.

18

Older parts of James College can’t be replaced because they are listed buildings.

19

Bedrooms in parts of James College are smaller than US prison cells.

27

20

York Vision is the most nationally awarded student newspaper.

28

21

In the 70s students were asked not to sleep together to save money on replacing bedding.

29

22

A student was kicked out after she was caught eating the ducks.

4 in 5 York students went to state schools.

30

Harry Enfield went to Derwent but didn’t finish his degree.

A car was once driven over the lake when it frozen.

A chemistry lecturer once murdered his wife by poisoning her with chemicals taken from the university.

URY can be picked up on AM in Algeria, but not in Langwith.

NEED A TAXI? CALL:

SIX FIVE NINE YORK’S BIGGEST TAXI FIRM

ALL DRIVERS POLICE CHECKED AND COUNCIL REGULATED

01904 659659 STUDENTS 10% OFF: ASK FOR YOUR FREE DISCOUNT CARD

STUDENT T E R E “ O ” T“ Y ” P E S

which one are you?

RAH

COLLEGE:

James/Alcuin

subjecT:

PPE, Law

CLOTHING:

Let’s listen to Benga and get messy on Ket!

SPORT:

Lacrosse, Hockey and Ruggers

Interests:

Student politics, snobbery and Nouse

Is that a paracetamol?

Go home if you’ve got a headache...

Wasn’t the empire spiffing...

DON’T SAY:

“

Walk around in pyjamas, collars up, big hair.

COLLEGE:

Halifax

subjecT:

Chemistry

”

Hightops, skinny jeans, glowsticks

SPORT:

Interests:

Dance

Ketamine, MDMA, DnB/Dubstep

General traits:

Constant smiling, talking a lot, chewing lip in odd way,

gap year student COLLEGE:

Derwent

subjecT:

Politics, Environmental Science

CLOTHING:

Bracelets/necklaces made from rhino horn and elephant trunk, fake Raybans, tshirt/vest with thai beer on

Interests:

General traits:

”

I could probably get just as good a pair of joggers from Sports Direct, and get them cheaper...

Pill Head

CLOTHING:

DON’T SAY:

“

Jack Wills, Ralph Lauren - gillets, joggers, ugg boots

General traits:

DO SAY:

DO SAY:

RAG, world cinema, travelsoc Talking about travels, witty anecdotes about travels, constant stories about travels

DO SAY:

“

Please tell me more about those fascinating full moon parties in Thailand.

DON’T SAY:

“

”

Just sounds like an extended holiday to me...

”

geek COLLEGE:

Computer room

subjecT: Computer Science and Physics CLOTHING:

Whatever their mum bought them two years ago, and ‘funny’ t-shirts

SPORT:

None.

Interests:

Pasta and ketchup

General traits:

DO SAY:

“

Let’s discuss at length the merits of ‘spoor’ and his power rating to defeat his nemesis ‘Gastonominator’

DON’T SAY:

“

”

Are you coming to Ziggy’s tonight?

”

Slag

DO SAY:

COLLEGE:

“

Wow, that was amazing - what’s your name again?

DON’T SAY:

Smell them before you see them

LOOK OUT FOR:

”

“

I don’t feel ready - can we wait till the time feels right?

”

Any when they’re drunk

subjecT: Nursing, Sociology, Pyschology CLOTHING:

Whilst they fill the awkward silences in seminars, you may soon learn to loathe them.

These lot are easy to spot - look out for them asking questions in lectures.

Great for post-seminar bitching.

Oxbridge reject.

Pole excercise

Interests:

Sex - or whatever they can get. Going into town saturday night with locals

General traits:

Loud and screachy - relies on beer goggles

College lover CLOTHING:

Sport:

Anything and everything with college logo on Any and every college sport

General traits: The only one drinking

in the college bar

mature students

DO SAY:

“

Let’s just stay in halls all three years!

Interests:

Sending vast amount of Facebook messages, event invites and attending neverending JCR meetings

After only one week, this fresher will no doubt be a chronic alcoholic. Often found looking for the next drinking game and draining the student loan.

Future dropout.

know-it-all

Very little

SPORT:

oVERDONE FRESHERS’ WEEK

DON’T SAY:

“

”

Can be found in either the front row of a lecture or in the library 24/7.

Often chat to lecturers after - same age group.

Do we even need a college bar?

”

Please note, York Vision is obliged to state that the University of York does also contain a few normal people.

Minster Quarter

WHERE TO GO The ultimate guide to York’s nightlife - no doubt all to be visited at some point during Freshers’ Week!

1331

Evil Eye WHY GO? For the best cocktails, served in the coolest place by the drunkest bar staff.

WHEN TO GO: Whenever Johnny Depp is in town or as soon as your student loan has come in.

BEST DRINK: Mojito

WHY GO? Best atmosphere in York: low lighting, tea lights and good music - ultimate relaxation.

WHY GO? When you can’t quite afford Evil Eye but you dont want to down trebles pre-club.

WHEN TO GO: Any night

WHEN TO GO: Thursday and Sunday

WHEN TO GO: When you’re feeling flush and flirty.

BEST DRINK: Triple Vodka Vimto

BEST DRINK: Cosmopolitan

Fibbers WHY GO? York’s intimate music venue - see some big names of music up close and personal, plus some of the most original and varied club nights in York.

WHY GO? If you think that red leather sofas and gold glitter walls are a tasteful interior.

WHEN TO GO: Monday night for all that’s new and hot and Saturday for Melt! electro club night.

V V

WHY GO? If you like a little indy edge to your pre-drinking bar - and to avoid Nag’s and Rumours.

BEST DRINK: 2 for 1 Cocktails

V

WHY GO? The perfect pre-club bar. Cheap treble-for-single drinks and within stumbling distance of clubs.

WHY GO? Cheap VK’s, the company of seedy middle aged men and the novelty of a revolving dance floor.

WHEN TO GO: If you’re on a pre-Tru/ Ziggy’s bar crawl organised by an 80s loving masochist.

BEST DRINK: Woo-Woo, by far the strongest cocktail.

Tru

WHEN TO GO: Friday night, the perfect reward for a hard week of student nights.

GALLERY

BEST DRINK: Red Stripe

Gallery Rumours

V V

WHY GO? If Nag’s Head is rammed, the queue for the clubs are getting longer and your still sober.

WHEN TO GO: Just before you hit the Micklegate clubs on Tuesday and Wednesday.

BEST DRINK: Kryptonite

BEST DRINK: Trebles for Singles

V V V

WHY GO? For the only credible Indy alternative to York’s notoriously cheesy club scene.

ZIGGY’S

WHEN TO GO: Tuesday and Wednesday to get you in the Tru or Ziggy’s mood.

WHEN TO GO: Ziggy’s Wednesdays or ‘Trusday’.

Reflex

Nag’s Head

BEST DRINK: Skittles Vodka

The Duchess

TRU

Micklegate Run Monty’s

DUCHESS & FIBBERS

WILLOW

WHEN TO GO: When everwhere else is closed?

BEST DRINK: Something strong that helps you forget where you are.

BEST DRINK: 2 for 1 cocktails

Lowther WHY GO? Pre-Gallery bar, cheap drinks, good music and a chance to make a good impresion before descending into Gallery drunkeness.

Vudu Lounge

Dusk

Best of the Rest

V V

Ziggys

WHY GO? The best club for mixing chatting and dancing. Two decent dancefloors, three bars and it’s always rammed.

WHEN TO GO: Traditional Thursday nights and the fast becoming legendary Sunday night.

BEST DRINK: Pint of Fosters, £1.50

Hidden Gem

Willow

WHY GO? There’s nothing else to do on a Tuesday and to work out where the £1 million refurbishment went.

WHY GO? Despite the sweaty walls, awful music and inability to breathe, Ziggy’s is a York instiution that you can’t fail to enjoy.

WHEN TO GO: Tuesday is student night, and Sunday offers a gay-friendly club night.

WHEN TO GO: Wednesday (and Sunday if you enjoy middleaged strippers)

WHEN TO GO: Any night as long as it’s not before 2am.

BEST DRINK: Shots and Bottles from £1.20

BEST DRINK: K2s for £1.20

BEST DRINK: If you’re still drinking at this time you won’t care what it is.

WHY GO? The clubs have closed, you’re battered and a Chinese restaurant that doubles as a disco, has dirt cheap alcohol, its own merchandise AND serves free prawn crackers - seems like a cracking idea.

Minster Quarter

WHERE TO GO The ultimate guide to York’s nightlife - no doubt all to be visited at some point during Freshers’ Week!

1331

Evil Eye WHY GO? For the best cocktails, served in the coolest place by the drunkest bar staff.

WHEN TO GO: Whenever Johnny Depp is in town or as soon as your student loan has come in.

BEST DRINK: Mojito

WHY GO? Best atmosphere in York: low lighting, tea lights and good music - ultimate relaxation.

WHY GO? When you can’t quite afford Evil Eye but you dont want to down trebles pre-club.

WHEN TO GO: Any night

WHEN TO GO: Thursday and Sunday

WHEN TO GO: When you’re feeling flush and flirty.

BEST DRINK: Triple Vodka Vimto

BEST DRINK: Cosmopolitan

Fibbers WHY GO? York’s intimate music venue - see some big names of music up close and personal, plus some of the most original and varied club nights in York.

WHY GO? If you think that red leather sofas and gold glitter walls are a tasteful interior.

WHEN TO GO: Monday night for all that’s new and hot and Saturday for Melt! electro club night.

V V

WHY GO? If you like a little indy edge to your pre-drinking bar - and to avoid Nag’s and Rumours.

BEST DRINK: 2 for 1 Cocktails

V

WHY GO? The perfect pre-club bar. Cheap treble-for-single drinks and within stumbling distance of clubs.

WHY GO? Cheap VK’s, the company of seedy middle aged men and the novelty of a revolving dance floor.

WHEN TO GO: If you’re on a pre-Tru/ Ziggy’s bar crawl organised by an 80s loving masochist.

BEST DRINK: Woo-Woo, by far the strongest cocktail.

Tru

WHEN TO GO: Friday night, the perfect reward for a hard week of student nights.

GALLERY

BEST DRINK: Red Stripe

Gallery Rumours

V V

WHY GO? If Nag’s Head is rammed, the queue for the clubs are getting longer and your still sober.

WHEN TO GO: Just before you hit the Micklegate clubs on Tuesday and Wednesday.

BEST DRINK: Kryptonite

BEST DRINK: Trebles for Singles

V V V

WHY GO? For the only credible Indy alternative to York’s notoriously cheesy club scene.

ZIGGY’S

WHEN TO GO: Tuesday and Wednesday to get you in the Tru or Ziggy’s mood.

WHEN TO GO: Ziggy’s Wednesdays or ‘Trusday’.

Reflex

Nag’s Head

BEST DRINK: Skittles Vodka

The Duchess

TRU

Micklegate Run Monty’s

DUCHESS & FIBBERS

WILLOW

WHEN TO GO: When everwhere else is closed?

BEST DRINK: Something strong that helps you forget where you are.

BEST DRINK: 2 for 1 cocktails

Lowther WHY GO? Pre-Gallery bar, cheap drinks, good music and a chance to make a good impresion before descending into Gallery drunkeness.

Vudu Lounge

Dusk

Best of the Rest

V V

Ziggys

WHY GO? The best club for mixing chatting and dancing. Two decent dancefloors, three bars and it’s always rammed.

WHEN TO GO: Traditional Thursday nights and the fast becoming legendary Sunday night.

BEST DRINK: Pint of Fosters, £1.50

Hidden Gem

Willow

WHY GO? There’s nothing else to do on a Tuesday and to work out where the £1 million refurbishment went.

WHY GO? Despite the sweaty walls, awful music and inability to breathe, Ziggy’s is a York instiution that you can’t fail to enjoy.

WHEN TO GO: Tuesday is student night, and Sunday offers a gay-friendly club night.

WHEN TO GO: Wednesday (and Sunday if you enjoy middleaged strippers)

WHEN TO GO: Any night as long as it’s not before 2am.

BEST DRINK: Shots and Bottles from £1.20

BEST DRINK: K2s for £1.20

BEST DRINK: If you’re still drinking at this time you won’t care what it is.

WHY GO? The clubs have closed, you’re battered and a Chinese restaurant that doubles as a disco, has dirt cheap alcohol, its own merchandise AND serves free prawn crackers - seems like a cracking idea.

YORK

UNIVERSITY’S NEW

FIRST FOR CAMPUS CELEBRITY NEWS

ISSUE 1

OCTOBER 13 3009

POWER COUPLE

FREE WEEKLY

EXCLUSIVE

NEW CELEB REPORTER! PADDY HARTE

...introduces the obscure phenomenon of campus celebrities - a special breed of students who will soon become as familiar to you as Katy and Pete

R

ight, you’ve been here a day or two but I bet you’ve already heard the phrase ‘Student Politics’? If not, you’ll have inevitably seen an article or two about some ‘campus celebrity’ doing something or another. But if you’re anything like I was as a fresher, this concept of fame and politics among our tiny student population, seems a somewhat strange concept.

So let me enlighten you...

As the University year begins, the various York Uni media outlets will begin to present a range of individ-

Tim and Emily: presidents out on the town

uals who will quickly come forward into the world of University fame. These jumped-up students will gradually become known as ‘campus celebrities,’ and what they do and say will be consistently followed as they play the sport of student politics.

One thing’s for sure, student politics is a shortlived career - most ‘celebrities’ bask in the year or two of fame, invariably graduating from University finding themselves unemployed and powerless in the big wide world, just like the rest of us.

So who are these campus celebs then?

This year’s powerhungry force of full -time Student Union officers are likely to be the focus of campus politics.

Already self-branded, Tim “keep it cool” Ngwena, our president, will be our representative in formal meetings with University big wigs like the Vice-Chancellor or Jane Grenville.

Inevitably he’ll be involved in some controversial stuff, so expect to see Tim’s name tossed about.

And don’t let me forget

Jane and Lewis the university’s power couple enjoy a ‘well earned’ drink.

Lewis Bretts, ‘Democracy and Services Officer’.

Seemingly groomed for the job, Brett’s could be seen last year at almost every campus event skulking around and looking ‘official’. This year, with a genuinly powerful position, expect a lot of controversy!

Outside our full-time officers, there will no doubt be a few faces from last year. YUSU Campaigns Officer Jason Rose will always be noticed - even if it is just on the Nouse website.

emerge and get momentary glimpses of fame for their madness, music or monotony. Last year for instance, York had the privileged presence of rap icon Dreamz Murphy. These are just a small slection of the luck (or should I say unlucky) people, who, for the next year will be celebrated, rubbished, and gossiped about. Prepare for a year of gossip columns, opinionated Nouse bloggers, and nicknames, all directed at this ‘elite’ bunch.

Each year new students

Check out www.yorkvision.co.uk for more updates

College Horoscopes Mystic Kel has taken a look at your Zodi-York, to give you a heads up on what the stars say you can expect over the coming fortnight...

Alcuin Your independence and desire to stand out from the crowd is sure to stand you in good stead, Alcuin, but make sure you make an effort to build bridges during Freshers’ Week.

With the moon moving out of your sign, you may feel like you are not so much starting out on a new path in life, as dodging traffic on a main road.

Don’t worry - you’ll soon get used to it. With Mars on the ascendant, there is a strong chance that indiedarlings, the Paddingtons will make an apperance in your life around the 16th.

James Ever the centre of attention, James, you might find it difficult to get a minute to yourself for the forseeable future.

Don’t get in a flap, or try and duck out of your social responsibilities you silly goose! Just go with it and enjoy it!

With Uranus on the move, you’re bound to find the energy from somewhere. Why not take a gamble on the 14th, and see if you can spy your very own Miss Moneypenny - or James Bond - as Venus makes you feel all mysterious.

Vanbrugh Oh Vanbrugh, you make others green with envy with your frantic pace and constant energy! The 15th is bound to be a big day for you, as Jupiter moves into your chart, you’ll be feeling crazier than Britney Spears at the hairdressers.

You might find yourself having to deal with an emergency sometime on the 24th, so make sure you’re well prepared for whatever might crop up.

It’s bound to be pandemonium for the next fortnight, so just try and remember to factor in some down time.

Langwith

You can be a bit all over the place sometimes Langwith, so make an effort to try and remain centred throughout the coming weeks, even if you’re feeling a tad crazy.

Perhaps one of the most under-estimated of the star signs, we know that you know how to party with the best of them, and you’ll get your chance on the 14th, when the stars align for you.

It’s likely that superstar DJ Tim Westwood will be drawn into your orbit by the influence of Pluto, so get out your dancing shoes and show them how it’s done!

Goodricke Oh dear, Goodricke, you may feel somewhat out an a limb for the forseeable future, and a little left out of things. Never fear though! The planets are aligning to ensure that however far out you may feel, you’ll always be equipped with the vehicle you need to get the most out of your Freshers’ Week.

Good thing as well, because with your sign considered the friendliest in the Zodi-York, you’ll be wanting to get out there and meet some new friends. Be on the lookout for cowboys around the 13th.

Derwent Well well well Derwent, it seems as though you’re heading for a hectic time over the next few weeks, lucky you! You may find that you need a Quiet Place to get your head together at some point in the near future, and with the moon moving into your sign, it may be that you feel an urge to get back to nature, quite possibly in your, er, natural state. Oooohhh errr!

As Venus moves into the the seventh house, the 17th will probably find you getting in touch with your inner slag. Possibly in drag. Saucy!

Halifax

Ever the sociable one, Halifax, you’re sure to have an amazing time during the coming weeks, and may find yourself Courting dozens of admirers, but like Goodricke, you may find yourself feeling a little distant.

You needn’t panic of course - you’ll be foaming at the mouth especially on the 13th, to get stuck into your new life at university. On the 15th you may strike it lucky on the Stock Market... invest your cash wisely, and you may find you come out on top.

Wentworth

You’re one of the more mature of the signs, Wentworth, but your maturity is sometimes misunderstood for aloofness. When people get to know you, they appreciate your cracking sense of humour, so use this to your advantage over the coming weeks and months, as with Mercury making a protracted stay in your sign, you’ll be at your sharpest. Although you have more responsibilties than most and can be something of a work-aholic, try and make time for some fun as well, won’t you?

The Takeaway Debate Delivery Speed Taste Grease Levels Next Day Quali ty Prices

9/10 5/10 10/10 3/10 5/10

Delivery Speed Taste Grease Levels ty Next Day Quali Prices

7/10 8/10 6/10 5/10 5/10

Dominos No doubt the best pizzas around, but it comes at a cost!

Unless you’ve got a pizza allowance from Mummy and Daddy, Dominos isn’t worth it.

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Prices

8/10 8/10 6/10 7/10

Efe’s

Y

ork’s most famous, most popular, but also most greasy takeaway. Although they may not be edible when sober, Efe’s make the perfect ‘walk-home pizza’.

Viking Kitchen Viking - a happy medium in the greasy world of pizzas.

They may not be in the same category as Dominos but are good enough, even when sober. Pizzas get worse as the evening goes on.

Delivery Spee d Taste Grease Levels Next Day Qu ality Prices

3/10 6/10 0/10 8/10 10/10

Garden of India This is good stuff. Generally pretty decent food at reasonable prices - though it might sometimes spark a spot of Delhi Belly!

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Expense

9/10 8/10 7/10 6/10

Jaipur Spice A bit more expensive than the rest, but you get what you pay for. It’s not as popular as Ali Shaan or Garden of India, but a decent place nevertheless.

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Expense

Ali Shaan

6/10 9/10 9/10 7/10

Ali Shaan provides good food quickly and sometimes offers student discounts and free dlivery.

They have a friendly service and are pretty reliable. A nice alternative if you’re not in the mood for a to Garden of India.

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Expense

Tanghall Chinese Takeaway Easily the best Chinese takeaway for a student budget. You may have to wait a while for it, but it’ll be worth it. Far superior to Clifton Moor any day.

Clifton Moor Chinese Takeaway Awful food for not-that-cheap prices.

Tastes like they’ve scooped up left over food from behind the cooker, and left it to soak in grease. Don’t even try it!

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Expense

7/10 9/10 8/10 8/10

7/10 8/10 7/10 7/10

Delivery Speed Taste General Quality Expense

6/10 1/10 1/10 7/10

Golden Dragon Chinese Takeaway Very average. Delivery isn’t bad, the food is good and for reasonable prices. But Tanghall have the edge.

Dear Kelly Vision’s very own Auntie Kelly welcomes you to York by solving your Fresher dilemmas, with some good old-fashioned Yorkshire common-sense...

Dear Phillip D’Bedd,

Dea r A untie Ke lly, I’ve heard th at Fres he rs ofte n us ed as an ex cu se’ Wee k is with as m an y pe op le as to sle ep Is this true? How m an po ss ible. sh ou ld I be ai m in g fo r y la di es ?

C he ers,

Philli p D ’Bed d

Dear Kenny Tork, Everyone is nervous and feels a bit shy on their first day. Just make sure you keep your bedroom door open, and make an effort to say ‘hello’ to people as soon as you see them.

Don’t wait for people to come to you poppet! Your STYCs will be able to help you get to know each other, but just make sure you don’t end up ‘getting to know’ your STYC, if you know what I mean!

In my opinion, a packet of biscuits and a pot of tea can thaw out even the iciest silences, so take the initiative, and share your hobnobs. Your housemates will love you straight away.

Even in my day, Freshers’ Week were endless blummin’ parties, pub-crawls and dressing up.

If you’ve got the energy to get up to ‘rumpy pumpy’ after all that, then I take my hair-net off to you!

It’s not a competition though lad. Remember, the more ladies you ‘plough the furrow’ with, the more chance you have of running into them when you least expect to. ‘Porking’ can have repercussions.

Whatever your final tally, remember to always take precautions - and I’m not just talking about locking the door!

I’m really excited for Freshers’ Week and starting at Yo rk.

The thing is, I’m pretty shy and although I want to make lot s of friends, I’m worried I mi ght f ind it hard to get to know peo ple - help!

Dear Auntie Kelly,

t connection I’ve got a cracking internerr about in my Uni room but I’d wo enied tial. Will I using it to it’s, um, full pot d’s enterbe caught if I watch some ‘la ? tainment’ on my own some nights Thanks,

Dear Miss Holm,

Dear Auntie Kelly,

Yours, Kenny Tork

Hugh G. Rection

Dear Auntie Kelly, I’ve never been away family for more than from my before, and I don’t a few days going to cope with know how I’m strange place, all alo being in a ten weeks. What if ne, for the next can’t enjoy myself? I’m so homesick I From, Miss N. Holm

Don’t worry pet. A lot of young ‘uns that come to university for the first time feel a bit homesick, and loads are in the same position as you.

Of course, you’re always welcome over to your Auntie Kelly’s for a cup of tea and a nice slice of cake, if you’re missing your home comforts. Talking with your housemates will make you feel better - especially if you’re honest about how you feel. Put up photographs of your family, and if you want a chat, they’re only on the other end of the phone!

Or, have a drink, bit of dutch courage, find a party, and by the end of the night you won’t even know where you are!

Dear Hugh G. Rection, Auntie Kelly doesn’t want to imagine what this “lad’s entertainment” is that you’re after...

The University might be tracking what you look at on the web, but this hasn’t stopped Uncle Kelly!

But just remember, too much of that stuff and you’ll go blind!

50 things to do before you graduate...

Get a library fine

Atempt to go to a 9:15

Deface a library book

Pull a fresher

Lose a library book

Pull a post-grad

Be sick in a campus toilet

Be sick on campus, but not in a toilet Jump in the lake

Push someone else in the lake

Call up Nightline and ask them to talk dirty Have a snowball fight Have a water fight Have a proper fight Argue with a porter

Get on the wrong side of a local Join a weird society Steal a sign Run for a JCRC position Run for a position on YUSU Pull an all-nighter for an essay Have your phone ring in a lecture Miss a lecture Walk out of a Lecture Call someone an idiot in a seminar Miss a seminar Miss an exam

Be late for an exam

Pull a housemate Pull a lecturer Survive a week on Efe’s alone Take a free Clamydia test Fail a free Clamydia test Start a campus band Survive a night of 'Pub Golf' Complete a 'Centurion' Lose a game of 'Ring of Fire' Roll down Cliffords Tower

Get pushed down Clifford’s Tower Get a 'shout-out' in a club

Get 'chucked-out' of a club Complete the 'Campus 6' Lie in bed all day Lie in someone elses bed all day Actually do some work Listen to URY Burn an issue of Nouse Get on Vision's power list Be a Student Stunner

Read the bestest paper in the whole wide world.