THE PESSIMIST vol. 100, no. ??
Wednesday, march 28, 2012 1 SECTION, multi-paged
Mobile Learning iPhones gain mobility with new iLegs page π
university
Decision robot fails tuition challenge Ben Miller Most likely to be late
SNIPER
AT LARGE
Slide-and-glide sniper loose in catwalk of Moody Coliseum after Chapel
Moody’s catwalk. ACUPD has already searched the building multiple times without success. For the time being, the Swiper Sniper is at large. The current state of afcould think was, ‘I deserve fairs has divided campus: Lucius Pat-Nod those that condemn the it.’” Miss Frontier Texas!!!!!! Since Monday there vigilante’s conduct and have been 12 similar in- those that support him. “Who does this guy Students trying to nab cidents. Each victim was unearned Chapel credits either in the act of sliding think he is?” says one outleft Moody missing digits and gliding or swiping in raged opponent, waving absentee friends. Most a four fingered hand. “It’s Monday. Hunter Pawlechek slid targets lost their dominant not like we’re breaking the into Chapel then left to eat index fingers but some law! Who cares so much lunch. He returned to com- women were deprived of about chapel that they’re willing to shoot people’s plete the ‘slide and glide’ their ring fingers. Students have begun fingers off!” only to have a .22 caliber Dan McGregor enthuround tear the index fin- calling the phantom gunger off his card-carrying man the ‘Swiper Sniper.’ A siastically supports the few individuals claimed to Swiper Sniper. hand. “I think it’s awesome “I was stunned. All I have seen movement up on
that someone has taken the initiative on this issue. This will improve the overall integrity of the campus. I’m may start work on a graphic novel to document the rise and impact of the Swiper Sniper.” Last night a video of a masked individual claiming to be the Swiper Sniper was posted to the internet. In the video, the individual attempted to justify the actions of the Swiper Sniper. “Acquiring chapel credit without being present at chapel is an egregious act. Fraud like this will not be tolerated.” The individual went on to say that they will next target a supposed chapel credit laundering ring. Surprisingly, Mark Lew-
is has been rather indifferent about students’ loss of digits. He is optimistic about increased chapel attendance. “Overall, more chapel seats have been filled than in the past. You can’t argue with results like that.” When asked about his official position on the gunman’s actions, Mark Lewis replied, “I like to think of the Swiper Sniper as Batman and I’m Jim Gordon. I don’t exactly condone his actions, but I am willing to work with him.”
contact lucius at starbucks Around noon
President Schubert has announced that ACU’s block tuition pricing will not be increasing the expected 20 percent next school year. The announcement came Monday, during an emergency meeting of the board of trustees. “Phil surprised us,” said board member Emmett Delton. “Usually these emergency meetings are concerned with other business, such as casting lots for how many Chapel credits will be allowed during summit, but tuition issues are usually left to Mr. Coggy.” Mr. Coggy is a small mechanical toy that has been used to decide the university’s tuition pricing since 1987. It works much as a fortune telling machine does. After being wound with a key, the tiny tin robot brief ly walks in a circle before realizing a small strip of paper from its sleeve. The paper contains instructions for the board such as “Up ten percent” or “Tack on another $50.” Mr. Coggy’s advice has been followed unquestionably in years past. This year however, something went wrong. “Mr. Coggy ran out of paper,” Said a f lustered Schubert. “There weren’t any more instructions, so we decided to let tuition sit where it is until the search committee finds a more qualified tin robot.” Mr. Coggy’s resignation may have serious consequences for the future of ACU. “The most far reaching consequence will be how ACU is viewed by incoming students,” said Schubert. On Wednesday’s Wildcat Preview Day, high school students were eager to talk about their qualms over the tuition freeze. “Isn’t that kind of cheap?” said local high school student Keegan Wesley. “I mean, that’s just the same old tuition they had last year.” Future ACU student Christie Hooper also expressed concern over the stagnant pricing. “Isn’t the school improving each year? If it is, why aren’t see jump page 2
curriculum
Mobile initiative expands to accept WebMD notes brilliant idea. The new casino will financially benefit he seems alright both the university, and the Students’ Association,” said Professors are now accept- Dr. Phil Schubert. The president was presing excused absences validated by diagnoses from ent at the grand opening of Matthias’ Lot last Friday webMD.com This decision was made and played the first coin at when ACU responded to the slot machines. Dr. Bill Ranking immeSA’s proposal for an on campus casino last month diately noticed an issue. by closing the nursing sta- Students no longer had tion and converting it into a nurses to vouch for their illness related excused abgaming house. “We were surprised by sences. “I saw this as a great opthe Students’ Association’s request. But it’s really a portunity to expand ACU’s
Lucius Pat-Nod
mobile learning initiative. It’s only natural for students to use their learning devices for this purpose.” The myACU mobile site now includes a health tab. In addition to providing information of class times at the Bank and types of food available at the Bean, there is a link directs students to webMD.com. “Students simply need to evaluate their symptoms and determine what ails them through the site,” explains Dr. Bill Rankin Some professors were
opposed to this plan, but the vast majority were enthusiastic. Dr. Joseph Stevenson is one of the strongest advocates. “Our students are smart. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to look after their own health?” Already, a multitude of lethal maladys have been identified on campus, from ABCD syndrome to Xanthogranulomatous cholecystitis. A CORE professor received three excused absence notes from students
stricken with Cholera, Dysentery, and the Bubonic plague in one day. Conner Best made a shocking discovering last Monday. “I woke up with a headache and checked webMD. I had Mad cow disease, the last thing I expected.” Best called his professors, friends and family informing them of his situation. A few of his best friends met to pray for Best. Miraculously, by 3 pm the SA president made a full recovery.
English professor Mikee Delony received a note from a student who had contracted Vampirism. Delighted with this revelation, Delony now meets with the student at night. “I am very excited for this opportunity to interview an actually vampire. I already have a paper in the works.”
you don’t Really want to talk to him
inside news
opinion
online
theatre
Malia Obama submits letter of intent to ACU
Nobody cares what we think.
The Internet is just a fad, we’ll stick to newsprint, thanks.
“Hunger Games: the Musical” to premiere at Homecoming 2012
Page 7
Turn the page
almost Christian University
Inside somewhere
too
28 Wednesday
29
2 p.m. Unscheduled power outage will occur across campus 5 p.m. Meeting of Single Seniors support group
Thursday
30
All day - Class of ‘62 protests new dance policy @ the Welcome Center Lawn
Friday
01
All day - Anniversary of first Baptist student enrolled at ACU
All future nonprofit organizations have been banned on account of an overabundance of social awareness on the ACU campus.
8 p.m. President dance-off featuring Dr. Royce “Make it Rain” Money and Dr. Phil Two Left Shoes-bert
Ice-cream flavors “Reese’s Thesis” and “Mattis Swirl” resign.
Chapel checkup
Announcements
The Student Association’s officer elections have been cancelled after last week’s overturning of power. SA has now declared itself a dictatorship.
All day - National Adopt a Rabid Cat Day
3 p.m. All registrations for classes will now occur on the same day. Good luck.
12 p.m. ACU Men’s soccer tournament
Bean releases new ice-cream flavor: Phil Sherbet
ACU’s salon, Samson’s Vice, is now open for appointments. Referrals will be rewarded. Be advised: haircuts may result in loss of strength, heartbreak and imprisonment.
Let’s pretend
ACU is offering a new foreign language course, Speaking in Tongues. Only prerequisite is having received the Holy Spirit.
Did you come to dance but realized you didn’t know how? Dance classes are being provided for Church of Christ kids who need a little Jeremy Dan Jacques, A.K.A. the help finding their groove. Gardner intruder, has cancelled Contact Steven Moore for his girls only yoga class due to more information. a lack of open windows at the Student Rec Center. He apolo- Jacob’s Dream has now gizes for the short notice. been declared an engagement ring-free zone. StuTryouts for the ACU rowing dents are prohibited from team begin this Saturday at proposing at Jacob’s Dream 7 p.m. at the Faubus Pond in in an attempt to encourage front of the Hunter Welcome creativity. Students are also Center. Candidates must sup- encouraged to refrain from ply their own boat. photo shoots as well.
Sign Sub-T’s petition for the singing of “Highways and Biways” to become mandatory every Chapel held in Moody. The Campus Store is now selling Chacos to appease the pleading of multitudes of Bible majors. Various colors are available. ACU’s Fight Club is searching for new members but is unsure of how to recruit when members are not allowed to talk about Fight Club. Contact Tyler Durden for more information.
01 72 not good.
@acuPESSIMIST The PLOptimist PESSIMIST@acu.edu
Police Police Log Log
Corrections
03/26/12 9:53 a.m. ASSIST: Student called ACUPD for assistance to unlock car. Student’s call received no response and student received no help.
In an earlier edition of the Pessimist we incorrectly reported SA President Connor Best had diverted $4.5 million in Student Association funds to an offshore checking account in Montenegro. That was not true. What we intended to say was the women of GATA will be selling pies in the campus center Thursday and Friday. Get one while it’s hot. We regret the error.
03/26/12 10:00 a.m. BURGLARY: Owner of Jack and Jill’s Donuts reported theft of large amount of donuts. ACUPD was unavailable to investigate. Case ongoing. 3/26/12 10:15 a.m. BURGLARY: Owner of A.M. Donuts reported theft of large amount of donuts. Witnesses described suspects as two men wearing blue. ACUPD remained unresponsive. Case ongoing. 3/26/12 10:37 a.m. FOLLOW UP: ACUPD finally sink their teeth into donut case. Case closed. Police Tip of the Week: Even if somebody dares you to touch your tongue to a flagpole during freezing weather, don’t do it. The condensation could crystallize, affixing your tongue to the pole and requiring emergency services. However, double-dog dare is another story.
The Abilene nursing home is in need of volunteers to bathe their elderly patients. As incentive, volunteers will be allowed to race wheelchairs when they have finished their job. They will work very hard with your schedule to make bathing naked patients possible for you. Contact Cindy Scrubbard at 325-267-1761 for more information. The South Side Gang of Abilene needs help delivering a package. Volunteer would simply pick up an unmarked package at a disclosed location and drop of the package to another disclosed location. A person dressed in black and wearing Oakley
sunglasses will receive the package and hand the volunteer an envelope. This envelope must be returned to the South Side Gang. If you feel confident you can complete these tasks correctly and stealthily, please write your contact information in spray paint under the Martin Luther King Jr. Bridge. The emperor is now accepting applications for new recruits to work on the soon to be fully armed and operational Death Star. Candidates should be warned: this job is very dangerous and the required armor will not protect your from anything. No prior skill or knowledge is needed on account of the menial tasks expected of you including standing guard at various doors, inadequately searching ships, being fooled by Wookies and generally acting as a shooting target for the good guys. ACU’s Fishing Club is looking for volunteers to gut and clean their fish on Fridays at 5 p.m. Volunteers might also be told to “go jump in a lake.” This is not just an idiom. They mean it.
staffing
Straughn to fill every open role as interim Straughn, interim ACU police officer and interim Jeans enthusiast director of the new enDr. Greg Straughn, interim gineering program, will provost, has reached an serve as interim director agreement with the univer- of leadership camps, insity to fill every vacant role terim admissions counon campus on an interim selor and interim heatbasis for the next five years. ing and air conditioning Prexy Phil Schubert said technician. “The biggest challenge this agreement will streamline the job-search process will be having so many bosses,” said Straughn, during transition periods. Straughn, former and interim irrigation technifuture interim dean of the cian in the Department College of Arts and Scienc- of Physical Resources and es, said it was an opportu- interim professor of marriage and family therapy. nity he couldn’t pass up. “This will give me ex- “Unfortunately, most of posure to new areas of the my time will be spent in university,” said Straughn, job evaluations.” interim women’s basketball contact Dan at coach. “Some of these jobs I the wrangler store didn’t even know existed.”
Denim Dan
In the November 21 edition, in the advisory against running with scissors story, there was a dangling participle in the second sentence of the fifth graph. In the last edition of the Pessimist, we incorrectly reported freshman flisted the half-ton Bible from the basement of the library. This did not happen. In the Dec. 24 edition, we reported Santa Claus was coming to town. We didn’t see any evidence of this because our parents gave us our presents instead.
mobile initiative
Volunteer Opp0rtunities Volunteers with specific skill sets are needed to help with a bank heist. Those interested must feel at peace with breaking the law and possible incarceration. You must be able to adapt to answering to a code name. Unfortunately, the plcae, date and time that you will be needed cannot be added for obvious reasons. Draw an “X” on your door if you are interested. They will contact you.
The FilmFest story in the March 21 edition was written in the wrong tense.
New cell service beams calls to subspace est traveling data speeds The Guy who keeps Teh sitez online imaginable. AT&T Network Engineer Samuel “Speedy” Hot on the heels of the Gonzales said, through a launch of the new iPhone translator, that the same 5GSUV, AT&T announced technology that phases the a new network service that data into subspace shoots might revolutionize the way it faster than the speed of we use our phones, again. light. “Now you can prophThe new network technolo- ecy what someone is going gy, revealed in a last minute to say before it happens.” press conference at yester- beamed Gonzales. Also, in a move very day’s Consumer Electronics Barbecue by AT&T spokes- unlike AT&T’s “newer is woman Granny Spammer, better” approach, older phones, even last iPhones, is called 4G-SUS. “The SUS stands for can be retrofitted with Subspace Underlying Sig- subspace transmitters and nal,” said Spammer. With receivers in a procedure this technology, voice and known as a “come to Gdata from one mobile de- SUS meeting.” However, the technolvice gets beamed into another dimension, known ogy is far from ready for as “heaven,” and comes primetime. According to back into our world on testing reports of an early codenamed the other person’s mobile prototype device. Since the signal “GOSPEL,” some transmitdoesn’t have to travel any- ters got so hot that tongues where on Earth, it won’t of fire began to appear and suffer from wireless spec- rest on each of the testers. trum pollution. Spammer The fire was harmless, explains, “This makes the though an unintended voice quality simply, ‘im- side effect of this allowed the user to speak in other maculate!’” It also provides the fast- tongues.
Blaine Doubletary
“
Now you can prophecy what someone is going to say before it happens.” Samuel “Speedy” Gonzales At&t Network engineer
Other instances of spontaneous generation have happened while using 4GSUS. When used too close to water, it begins to ferment and turn into a winelike substance. Also, lab rats exposed to subspace radiation were instantly cured of any ailments. Some dead rats were even reported to come back to life. Kyle Dickson, director of ACU’s digital media center, is looking forward to using this technology to further the Mobile Learning Thingamajig. “4G-SUS just seems a natural fit for a connected community like ACU,” said Dickson, “and it really is the all-in-all when it comes to communication.”
contact doubletary at fairyprincess@acu.edu
university
Jump: Robot resigns post continued from page 1 they charging more money?” The ACU Office of Student Increasement said that many potential Wildcats had similar questions. “They’re wanting to know why they’ll be paying the same as last year’s students. It doesn’t make sense to them, and they’re a little wary,” said enrollment guru Kelly Smith. Straughn “A lot of the high school
kids we call during dinner have expressed to us that they’re not looking for a 2011 education with 2011 prices.” But 2011 prices are all that will be offered at ACU this fall, causing enrollment estimates to reach as lower than ever. “We’re looking at 102 kids, maybe 103. Maybe only five will actually be excited to be here.” Said Smith. “ More than ever to-
day’s youth need to be on the cutting edge of education. And if our prices aren’t cutting deeper each year, we just won’t be taken seriously,” said Schubert as he looked through a catalog of antique wind-up toys. “If we can’t find another Mr. Coggy soon, the future will be difficult indeed.” contact miller at notbenmiller@acu.edu
?
olds
humpday 03.28.12
Female intruder in Mabee, no charges filed david singer arts editor Reports have surfaced that another dorm has been hit in the recent trend of intruders on campus. A Mabee resident found an intruder laying on the couch and watching television in a friend’s room at about 7:30 p.m. Friday. The 26-year-old woman smiled and introduced herself to the student. Steven Tucek, freshman business major from Denton, was going to borrow class notes from a friend on the second floor of Mabee Residence Hall. He said the door was unlocked and he was surprised to find a woman in the room. “At first I was taken aback and a little scared,” he said. “But then I figured that she seemed really nice and I had never really hung out with a girl this old before. Especially someone this hot.” The intruder, Lauriane Gaillard, recently moved to the United States from Switzerland to pursue her career as a model. She was not available for comment as to how she ended up in the room. After introducing himself
and a short conversation with Gaillard, Tucek learned that she was “really into Call of Duty.” The two began to play video games and hang out in the room. “It was great,” said Tucek. “It was like we were best friends. She laughed at all my jokes and was really fun. I think she may even like me a little.” Word soon spread through Mabee that a female was in the dorm. Crowds began to gather around the room and the model that lay on the couch inside. “I didn’t believe them at first,” said Peter Johnston, freshman biology major from Port Arthur. “But when I when I went down to the room there she was, just lying there playing video games. She was beautiful.” Johnston, like many others, quickly formed a sign-up sheet to play with her next. Nearly 200 freshmen boys flooded the hall around Gaillard. However, no one called the police. “We didn’t receive any reports of the incident,” said ACU Police Chief Jimmy Ellison. “It wasn’t until one of our student workers saw pictures on Facebook and Twit-
leslie lewis Staff Photographer
ABOVE: Zeke Morgan, freshman psychology major from Keller, won three straight games while playing ping-pong with the model/intruder. INSET: ACU Police’s mugshot of Gaillard, taken candidly in natural light. ter of students playing pingpong and watching TV with the intruder” By the time police were aware of the situation, Gaillard had already said goodnight to the adoring freshmen and left the building.
However, Ellison was able to track her down on Saturday. “No charges were pressed by the students but we still reserved the right to charge her for Class-A trespassing,” Ellison said. “However, after a charming conversa-
tion I released her with just a warning. She was really such a nice girl.” Ellison reminds students to keep their doors and windows locked when they are not present. “Men can be very creepy,”
said Ellison, “and it would have been a shame if that was some weird man who had snuck in.” contact singer at 1309 piedmont drive
Masked man leads KACU in coup of newsroom
mandy lambright chief Photographer
Editor Hannah Barnes and Managing Editor Mark Smith fend off underlings. crashing down. “No one saw it coming,” dates people his own age said Mark Smith, next year’s editor in chief. “It was all I All it took was one swipe could do to just get out of for the whole thing to come there.”
austin gwin
Smith was recounting the events of Monday evening, March 26, a night that will live in infamy. On that night, a masked villain known only as SMA-MAN led an over-
throw of the Optimist. Somehow the Optimist’s newsroom card-swipers had failed to keep out the assailants. Once the only line of defense was compromised, it was mere minutes until SMAMAN had taken control. SMA-MAN was joined by members of the Optimist’s rival on-campus news source KACU. “We have been overlooked for too long,” said SMA-MAN’s spokeswoman Julie Coppedge. “Radio killed the newspaper star.” Tensions have been building between KACU and The Optimist for years, but even those closest to the situation weren’t expecting it go this far. “There were signs, sure. But a full out attack? That was something we wouldn’t have imagined KACU was capable of,” said Cheryl Bacon, chair of the Department of Journalism and Mass Communication. SMA-MAN is no stranger
to ACU’s campus. Usually seen at parties or on campus dance events, SMA-MAN has always appeared to be a fun-loving character. Most students thought it was unusual to see a masked man around campus, but everyone assumed he was one of the good guys, not a villain. Blane Singletary, the KACU ambassador for the Optimist who was in charge of keeping the peace, wasn’t present for the attack. “I was in my apartment jamming to some music,” Singletary said. “When I got to the newsroom, it was too late.” Singletary also offered up some advice for those looking to try to rebel against SMA-MAN. “He is strong, and cannot be easily overcome,” Singletary said. “He wears the mask so no one knows his true identity. He could be anyone.” SMA-MAN and his cronies are still holed up in
the newsroom, and are using it as their headquarters for all operations. All of the trademark glass windows of the newsroom have been blacked out and the only sounds coming from the room are custom made song mash-ups. Since the overthrow, a new newspaper has been created by SMA-MAN to compete with the Optimist on-campus. Titled Eye On Entertainment, the paper claims to be a spicy alternative to the mundane that has become the Optimist. Hannah Barnes, editor in chief, said she and her staff are planning a counter attack, but are just waiting for the right moment. “We have to find his weakness,” Barnes said. “Once we do, we have the intelligence to outsmart those radio fools.” contact gwin at literally any sporting event
Optimist advisor arrested for style infranction innocence. “It’s not me, it’s the baby face copy editors,” says Pybus. “They’re responsible for The Optimist’s academic finding style errors, not me. adviser was removed from I just come in to the newshis position Fri. for the room and tell the page edinewspaper’s consistent tors to completely change the layouts of their pages.” poor use of AP style. Pybus will be evaluKenneth Pybus, J.D., was student media advisor ated by Dr. Phil Schubert, for 6 years until the Asso- president of the university, ciated Press Policing Divi- to discuss the associate sion cited him after repeat- professor’s future at ACU. ed mistakes were found in Schubert declined to specissues of the Optimist the ulate whether Pybus will continue to teach. past few years. Dr. Cheryl Bacon, chair Pybus maintains his
Mark Smith
“
He still abbreviates March and April. I mean, who does that?”
time coming. He still abbreviates March and April. I mean, who does that?” Pybus is only the second adviser in the U.S. to receive the citation from the Associated Press. The cheryl bacon chair, department of journalism & first was Dana Carvey, the mass communication adviser at AP’s own college, of the JMC department, Associated Press Universisaid she isn’t surprised ty. Carvey, who played the Pybus ran into trouble Church Lady on Saturday Night Live, was the student with AP. “When he was the editor newspaper adviser at APU of the Optimist in 1988-89, before performing in skits he published all kinds of on SNL. In 1984, Carvey errors and mistakes,” Ba- was removed from the con said. “It’s been a long university for allowing AP
style errors to be printed. Pending Schubert’s decision after meeting with Pybus, AP could re-evaluate the removal if Schubert decides Pybus will remain teaching at the university. Pybus said he is hopeful AP will reconsider the decision and reinstate him, even if it were on a probationary basis. “I really want to continue in my position as adviser,” Pybus said. “There’s just something about helping cover campus and local news that gives me a thrill.”
Cade White, multimedia adviser for the JMC Network, said he’s excited to see his responsibility, and paycheck, grow as a result of Pybus’s removal. “Kenneth was a good guy but he allowed too many problems to arise,” White said. “Now it’s my turn. To advise, not to allow too many problems to arise.” For more information about AP style, visit apstylebook.com. contact smith at the office. the tv show, that is
Annual S.A. budget released HANNAH BARNES editor in absence We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tran✍ quility, provide for the common de✍ fence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Lib✍ erty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and es✍ tablish this Con✍ stitution for the United States of America. All legisla✍ tive Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Con✍ gress of the Unit✍ ed States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representa✍ tives. The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members cho✍ sen every second
Year by the People of the several States, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifica✍ tions requisite for Electors of the most numer✍ ous Branch of the State Legisla✍ ture. No Person shall be a Representa✍ tive who shall not have attained to the Age of twenty five Years, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an In✍ habitant of that State in which he shall be chosen. Representa✍ tives and direct Taxes shall be ap✍ portioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, ac✍ cording to their respective Num✍ bers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole
Number of free Persons, includ✍ ing those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all oth✍ er Persons. The actual Enumera✍ tion shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Con✍ gress of the Unit✍ ed States, and within every subse✍ quent Term of ten Years, in such Man✍ ner as they shall by Law direct. The Number of Repre✍ sentatives shall not exceed one for every thirty Thou✍ sand, but each State shall have at Least one Rep✍ resentative; and until such enu✍ meration shall be made, the State of New Hampshire shall be enti✍ tled. contact barnes at balletprincess47@hotmail.com
epilogue
wednesday 03.28.12
:)
music
Band and choir music replaced by slides sic, not including pencils. The new PowerPoint secretary of hats method will cut nearly all of the costs associated with ACU’s bands and choirs sheet music and pencils. The PowerPoint slides are transitioning into a new way of learning music will feature the title of the piece in a bold, yellow – PowerPoint slides. “It’s innovative, it’s cost- sans-serif typeface. The effective and most impor- rest of the slide will show tantly it’s easy,” said John the lyrics of the song with Palunski, Dean of Bands occasional musical clues such as “women echo” or and Choirs. Palunski said the “raise pitch.” For the ACU bands and university traditionally spends between $23,000 other instrumental ensemand $49,502 on sheet mu- bles, it gets a bit trickier.
ben miller
“We’ll have the various instrumental sections sounds written in different colored text,” Palunski said. “For example, the brass section’s ‘lyrics’ will be orange, the woodwinds’ in green, and so on.” The change is not without controversy. Band and choir directors have expressed concern over musical accuracy. Big Purple Band Chancellor Steven Ward said, “I’ve seen some of the slides, and they just say
‘ba bada ba’ for the trumpets and ‘do doodi do’ for the clarinets. It seems like a recipe for a lot of laughter, followed quickly by unaccreditation.” Choir Kingpin Sean Pullen yelled, “I’ve never heard anything come from reading slides that I would classify as music.” Others have looked at the change more positively. “I don’t really look at the notes anyway,” said choir member Brad Muller, freshman music major
from Austin. “I listen to what other people are singing, and then sing it really quickly afterwards. I don’t think anybody can tell.” Palunski said the concerns are unfounded. “Our media experts will be superimposing the text onto pictures reflecting the meaning of the piece, to get our performers into the spirit of things,” he said. Palunski went on to say that the new system had been tested before with great results.
“Our audiences and the accreditation committee won’t get anything subpar,” he said. “After all, we’ve been making music with the same methods in chapel for years. If it’s good enough for God, the author of music itself, it is surely good enough for mortal audiences and judges.”
contact miller by carrier pigeon
psychology
Beck found living in Chambers marissa jones walk-on In a surprising turn of events, Dr. Richard Beck has been found to actually be homeless, residing in Chambers Hall, not the distinguished psychology professor everyone believed him to be. Freshman psychology major Elizabeth Hendrix stumbled upon Beck’s living quarters when she took a wrong turn in the bottom floor of Chambers. “It’s easy to get lost down there, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened to me,” Hendrix said. “I went into a classroom looking for a way out and was surprised to find Dr. Beck dozing on a pile of blankets in an old storage room. It looked like he’d been living there for a while.” Hendrix immediately went before President Dr. Phil Schubert and reported what she had discovered. When Dr. Schubert investigated the matter, various inconsistencies regarding the legitimacy of Dr. Beck began to emerge. In fact, it soon became clear that there was no evidence in the slightest that Beck was qualified to be a professor. “He fooled us all,” Schubert said. “He spoke with such authority and eloquence that we all assumed he was qualified. I mean, he was even writing a book. If that’s not professor material, I don’t know what is.” An inquiry is ongoing to discover the flaws in ACU’s hiring process. In the light of this discovery, other things become clear. Beck’s unkempt appearance has always been attributed to his eccentric personality and his desire to be welcoming to the outsiders of society, but now it is evident that he himself is the outsider.
mandy lambright CHIEF Photographer
Dr. Richard Beck, chair of the Department of Psychology, offers to psycho-analyze passersby in Chambers Hall. Beck was discovered living in the bottom floor of the building and is charging $2 per session. The question does arise, how has Beck been surviving on campus? “I’ve been sneaking into dorms to steal everything I need- toiletries, snacks and even the occasional snazzy vest. It’s actually quite easy
to do,” Beck said. “I am honestly astounded that no one found me out sooner.” ACU’s administration is conflicted on the proper way to deal with this situation, however, because they do not want to become
modern day Pharisees and fall into the pit of purity psychology, the very subject that Beck fervently speaks out against. “Beck’s powerful lectures pertaining to society’s reluctance to associate itself with
For the time being, Beck people that are ‘unclean’ challenged me,” interim will continue his duties as a provost Dr. Greg Straughn professor and a resident of said. “I am now fearful that Chambers. if we ask Dr. Beck to leave then we will be ostracizing contact jones at an outsider, which is someChacos ‘R Us thing I want to avoid.”
core
CORE curriculum change to ab workouts jo–z sands does everything Faculty voted Tuesday to overhaul CORE curriculum replacing all classroom time with ab workouts. Changes are effective at the beginning of the fall 2012 semester. “Widespread dissatisfaction with the CORE showed us that we needed a change,” said Christina Campos, assistant pro-
fessor of communication and Honors Studies. “The job market is tough. We want students to have a chance in the world. We are prepared to make all the changes necessary to send students out of ACU as educated Christian leaders with washboard abs.” CORE was implemented in its original form in 2010 to provide freshmen with a common experience and teach them to think critically, but the adminis-
tration made a mistake by implementing a program designed to teach freshmen, Campos said. “We mistakenly thought the secret to education was in the classroom,” Campos said. “We thought the freshman experience needed to be about feigning alertness during an excruciating lecture, writing and sourcing a 10-page paper the night before it is due, and fitting the maximum amount of rage into 160 characters.”
Campos said critical thinking is not a necessary part of education. “We know that not all of our students mentally capable of getting a good job after graduation, so we figured we owed them a back up plan,” Campos said. “This will give them a leg up for a career as an exotic dancer.” Dr. Richard Beck, chair of Department of Psychology, said this will change the way he lectures to students.
“I’m one of the most popular CORE speakers,” said Beck. “But as you see I don’t have experience with ab workouts. To prepare for the class and keep my position as most popular professor, I’ve been watching a lot of Richard Simmons videos on YouTube and supplementing my wardrobe with tube socks and tank tops.” Nikki Nipper, sophomore family studies major from Boston, thinks the
new CORE will set ACU apart from all of the other universities. “I know that ACU really cares about my future because of the new CORE, Nipper said. “It would be easy for university leaders to say giving me a good body isn’t their responsibility, but they care enough to give me a six-pack.” contact sands at several different faculty offices on campus
social clubs
With prexy in place, what’s the point in pledging? googling gabe writer A rift has developed among members and alumni of social club Galaxy over whether the club should bother to rush and admit pledges in the fall now that the university is firmly in control of former Moonie members. Galaxy president Graham Sensing confirms contention exists but says the group is working to reach agreement over rounds of golf and hands of poker.
“Some say we should focus on solidifying power while others say we need to develop the next generation of leadership,” Sensing said. “Both sides make some good points. And both sides pay their dues on time, so it makes it that much harder to decide.” Galaxy insiders say since the club’s founding in 1954, a primary goal has been to put a former member in the president’s office. And now that one-time Galaxy member Phil Schubert has ascended to the post of prexy and placed Moonie confi-
dants in other prominent positions of power, adding new members is mostly moot, some argue. Indeed, Dr. Schubert’s closest advisers include Dr. Gary McCaleb, vice president and ‘61 pledge class, and Kevin Roberts, ‘85 pledge class. Other former Galaxy members in top leadership of the university include College of Arts and Sciences Dean Dr. Charles Mattis, ‘78 pledge class, Chief Enrollment Officer Kevin Campbell, ‘97 pledge class, Director of Alumni Affairs Craig Fisher, pledge
class of ‘88, and Dr. Mark Phillips, director of Schubert’s Horizon Initiative, 85 pledge class. Schubert, pledge class of ‘88, is the first Galaxy member to lead the university. Dr. John Stevens, eighth president of the university, as a student in the 1930s was a Sub T-16 member. His successor, Dr. William J. Teague, was a Frater Sodalis member. And most recent former prexy Dr. Royce Money pledged the nowdefunct Knights. Despite the preponderance of former Galaxy
members among Prexy Schubert’s cabinet and elsewhere in university administration, the minority who never pledged the club insist they don’t feel left out. Suzanne Allmon, senior adviser to the president, whose gender kept her out of the Moonie ranks, says the proliferation of Galaxy members has produced only a few problems. “In some of our meetings, there’s almost no time to get anything done because everybody has to go around the room giving
that silly secret handshake,” Allmon said. “They taught it to me, though, so it’s OK.” And another of the few non-Moonie administrators, Harding-educated COBA Dean Rick Lytle, says his outsider status hasn’t been a problem, either. “Come on, I’ve been wearing khakis and blue blazers since I was in second grade,” Lytle said. “Just look at me: I’m a natural Nova.” good luck trying to contact gabe