THE PESSIMIST vol. 101, Does anyone read this?
1 SECTION, 4pages 4life
Friday, march 28, 2013
News Page 13
Move That Bus Ty Pennington to assist with Chambers demolition
Sing Song to combine with SBCs
INSIDE NEWS Board of Trustees found to be hazing new Board members Busted
gabi powell Pi Pie Pi President
OPINION The Editorial Board retracts its endorsment of Obama for the 2014 election
Students will whistle while they do the Lord’s work, launching the first annual Spring Song Campaigns. After the traditional ACU Campaigns were officially dropped, students brainstormed new game plans to revitalize the ACU mission trips for next year. With so much attention and sponsorship given to Sing Song performances, Spring Song Campaigns was the answered prayer. “Sing Song can make anyone a Believer,” Tom Craig, Sing Song director said. “I can think of no better way for students to keep their Song skills sharp all
Page Peer Pressure
NEWS Netflix crashes and student meets hallmate in Gardner
“
Page 8B
SPORTS A Balrog is unleashed after construction crews dig too deep in Bennett Gym
Middle Earth Report
NEWS Robo-cats have finally been erradicated after Ferral Cat Intiative success
SCHUBERT FOR PRESIDENT A ‘SCHU’-IN FOR THE WIN marissa jones Fake journalism major
Page 3
OPINION The AP Stylebook decides “anything goes” after recent update fifteen
SPORTS The ACU basketball team prepares for a match against the Space Jam team Page 6
NEWS Beatboxing is declared to a form of instrumental music and is banned from Chapel Page 21
NEWS Summit theme promises to help explain away difficult Bible passages Page Trinity
ONLINE VIDEO Watch the Pessimist edition of the newscast. But, really. That’s not a joke.
Read more at acuoptimist.com
President Phil Schubert officially declared his presidential candidacy to a packed Moody Coliseum on Thursday. In front of students, faculty and staff attending Chapel, Schubert gave a short speech demonstrating why he’s the best man for the Oval Office. “I make a promise that my presidency would create an environment that engages each American in authentic, spiritual and intellectual growth, equipping them to make a real difference in the
world,” Schubert said. Schubert’s platform is to make America more innovative, exceptional and real. “I want to bring ACU’s mentality, ACU’s culture and ACU’s success to all of America,” Schubert said. “That’s what it needs.” Sub-T members responded by yelling, “Highways and Bi-Ways.” “We’ll repair those, too,” Schubert responded. Schubert said his time at ACU has given him the experience he needs to run the country. During his presidency, he has navigated through a 10 percent raise in tuition and budget cuts – both
things that the United States needs to get back on track, Schubert said. He has also played a crucial role in ACU’s new building initiative of three science facilities and two stadiums. Schubert made a point to make sure no one forgot he helped bring dancing to ACU. “I am the president of dance, people!” he said. Schubert also mentioned the impressive size of ACU’s endowment. “Where’s America’s endowment? The States has got to get one of those,” Schubert said. Schubert ended his speech with simple a “‘Mer-
ica” as a huge flag dropped behind him and an eagle flew to perch on his shoulder. Student reaction to the announcement was varied. “It kind of remind me of combination of Opening Chapel, Veteran’s Day Chapel and the petting zoo after Tuesday’s Chapel,” Sydney Wonton said. “I hope we get two Chapel credits,” said senior James Cameron, who was lined up next to the card slider during the announcement.
She won’t email you back anyways
SA budget leads to shut-down brittany jackson ignored newspaper distributor
Students’ Association has now passed its first week of shutdown with no resolution in sight. An issue with the budget that arose in early March has rendered the congress inoperable. Tension formed when Rodney Johnson, the VP that gets quoted when Dylan is busy, proposed a bill to allocate more funds
to pizza parties for SA. “I think it’s important for all student congress members to know each other before making such serious decisions,” he said. “If we don’t know each other best, how can we know our university? Plus, you know, pizza.” J.P. Ralston, that guys who does the least important thing—the budget, immediately refuted the bill. “Pizza is such a ridiculous request, he couldn’t
even ask for anything more healthy like a bag of carrots,” Ralston said. “Personally, I’d like to see the money go toward something for all the students across ACU.” Ralston said he’d like to see more events funded for students, such as a collective pizza party. He said he would make sure it was advertised well, a few days before the event via social media. About fifteen members attended the meeting, but
votes on the bill still fell short of the two-thirds threshold needed to pass. Still, a great turn out for a mid-week meeting. “I am not going to be bullied,” Johnson said. “They simply ignore me, but not this time.” He said he would not step foot in the SA office or the ordained conference room until his bill was accepted. The proposed bill is see benac page 2
We plan on putting sermons to the tune of today’s biggest hits to grab attention.” Amy grant student campaign coordinator
year long, while also sharing the Word.” Students plan on traveling to the few locations around the nation where Sing Song is not widely known. They will spend the week preaching the gospel in the key of G and using the Sing Song face as a Holy Spirit tool. “Miley is going to get a Casting Crowns makeover,” said Student Campaign Coordinator Amy Grant. “We plan on putting sermons to the tune of today’s biggest hits to grab attention.” Groups will recycle past Sing Song costumes, using the theme to uniquely serve and preach. “My group plans on borrowing GATA’s Girl Scouts costumes and setting up acts right outside grocery stores,” David Crowder said. “Our props will be Girl Scout cookie boxes filled with communion crackers instead.” Crowder said another group will borrow Sub T-16’s Russian attire to serve communion juice outside Pinkies. Baptistries are in short supply, so student groups plan on baptizing by painting new Christians’ cheeks rosy red. Babies will be sprinkled with glitter a Sing Song essential. “It’s like the new W.W.J.D. bracelet,” said freshman Deecee Tock. “By branding the new Christians, we know which ones to witness to.” The group with the highest conversion numbers will take home gold at the Campaign closing ceremonies at the end of the week. All ticket proceeds will go towards the next year’s Sing Song. Four-time champion act director Nick Tatum is rumored to be involved, in hopes of winning the ultimate gold, God’s Glory. contact Gabi if you’re interested in joining Pi Pie Pi
ACU tries to break record of most weddings linsey thut taylor swift wanna-be Engaged couples are invited to join ACU as it attempts to break the world record for most marriages performed at one time at 11 a.m. on Saturday in Moody. Dylan Benac, SA president and senior political science major from Boerne, said he came up with the idea for the “Wedding on the
Hill” while walking around campus last week. “I counted 13 couples, just walking from the Campus Center to the Library,” Benac said. “I thought, ‘why not put this phenomenon to some good use?’” After finding out the current world record for the largest mass wedding is over 700 couples, Benac said he decided ACU needed to step it up a notch. “For those who aren’t en-
gaged yet, we will be selling a selection of discounted engagement rings in the Campus Center the week leading up to the wedding,” Benac said. Benac said he encourages students to take advantage of this opportunity because it will save them time and money. “All the planning and stressing, it’s been done for
Abilene Christian University
see rings page 4`
mandy lambright wedding Photographer
Couples gather to participate in a mass wedding.
2B Or Not 2B
28
29
friday
30
University closed because it’s Friday (#turnup)
10 a.m. Men’s Fruit Throwing Tournamnet at Abilene Public Library 1 p.m. World Famous Bean closing because of fruit shortage
Chapel checkup To date:
31
sunday
saturday
monday
11 a.m. Chapel credits due (sorry boutcha)
9 a.m. Y’all better get yourselves to church, God help your souls
6 p.m. Feral Cat Society presidential election
1 p.m. National “Walk Around the Lunsford With Your Significant Other” hour (must bring dog if lacking in couple status)
Announcements Remaining:
99 1 @acuPessimist The wOptimist pessimist@acu.edu
GATA Fountain is now up for auction after the women of GATA officially disowned the fountain after one too many maintainance issues. ResLife has demanded that all women’s resident assisstants decorate their halls with Frozen themed decorations in resonse to the non-stop obsession with ‘Let It Go’. ACU Feral Cat Society will have a presidential election at 7 p.m. on March 31. The cats have decided to overthrow the university and have threatened to execute anyone who protests.
The petition to replace The Lord Bless You and Keep You with Highways and Biways was passed yesterday. Students are required to sing the song after every ACU event and everyday in chapel.
Recent donations allocated for the a new football stadium have been redirected to build an amusment park on campus. Construction begins next fall.
Pura Vida is offering free haircuts to anyone choosing to get a mullet to celebrate their new motto: business in the front, stylish in the back.
Stephen and Jennifer Shewmaker are looking to get rid of some extra elk meat. They have steaks and some has been ground into hamburger patties. They taste just like beef.. with the slight flavor of a Mazda.
Dr. Royce and Pam Money have donated $1000 to put towards new sweat towels in the Student Recreation and Wellness Center.
Students who graduate single will receive a 50 percent tuition refund to make up for the emotional trauma of being surrounded by engaged couples.
Faculty and staff have been mandated to enforce a new dress code. Anyone seen where leggings or brotanks will be asked to leave ACU indefinitley. The ACU fruit throwing team will compete against local colleges in a tournament. The tournament will take place tomorrow at Abilene Public Library. Duck Dynasty cast has canceled visit to ACU because they felt the university isn’t conservative enough.
Police log SELECTED ACUPD CALLS FOR THE WEEK 03/18/2014 1:34 p.m. ACUPD A student reported being hit by a lime in the Bean. It was a run-by fruiting. Investigation ongoing. 03/19/2014 11:56 p.m. An ACU student reported a tall, hairy figure lurking in Mabee parking lot. Invesigation concludes it was a yeti. The yeti was issued a warning. 03/19/2014 2:32 a.m. ACUPD investigatd a loud noise complaint on EN 12th Street. An award was issued for being the 100th noise coplaint this month. 03/21/2014 9:47 p.m. ACUPD responded to a distress call from the north wall of the Brown Library. It claimed that students were throwing fruit at it. Investigation ongoing. 03/22/2014 9:54 p.m. ACUPD arrested a squirrel for throwing nuts at a police vehicle. The squirrel was sentenced to three years of confinement. 03/25/2014 2:27 a.m. ACUPD was forced to intervene in a student protest. Students were chanting “Free the squirrel” and throwing nuts at other students.
CORRECTIONS The Optimist would like to apologize for the confusion with Spring Break Campaigns. Oh wait, we called it. This is actually our last issue, ever. Y’all are too pessimistic, an Optimist is not of this world. In January we reported the ‘ACU Theatre to bring Twain to life.’ Well, he’s here. And he smells. Please, ACU Theatre, put that thing back where it came from, or so help us. Out of the past six articles on Students’ Assocciation, Dylan Benac was only mentioned in three. Our reporter nodded off during the beginning prayer. There’s a time to report and a time to rest, right?
Volunteer Opp0rtunities The Astronauts of Abilene are seeking volunteers to help build rockets to fulfill their dream of flying to Pluto. Volunteers must have a high tolerance for pain and a strong stomach. For more information, contact Buzz Armstrong at 325-325-0325.
Two neighborhood boys are looking for four students to form a search party to find their pet platypus. The platypus was last seen wearing a fedora in their backyard in July. They were discovering something that doesn’t exist when they noticed he was missing.
Taylor County Jail is looking for volunteers to test their new security system. Volunteers will be attempting to break out of cells and will not be released until they are succcessful. For more information, visit Taylor County Jail.
Calling all IT or computer science majors. Two anonymous individuals are searching for a team of ACU students who are skilled in hacking and are interested on going on a phishing trip. Email acutech2@acud.com.
The Optimist is still looking for volunteers to do the staff’s homework. Volunteers will be required to bring snacks and must committ to five hours a week. For more information or to volunteer, come to the newsroom. We’re always here.
The JMC Department needs ablebodied students to help haul away one hundred stacks of newspapers. Volunteers will receive paper hats, piñata-making material and a puppy house-training kit.
The Chapel Office is searching for a student to ring the bell every day before chapel. The student who chooses to take on the task will live in the bell tower. Warning: the last bell-ringer retired with back problems.
A senior is seeking freshmen or sophomores to sneak cookies out of Bean twice a day. Th senior is in a social club so this is a good way to ensure you receive a bid.
ATTENTION HANDSOME, KIND MEN Contact (940)452-3539 or (830)278-0386 if you too are feeling lonely or desperate. It’s spring in case you haven’t noticed.
Benac: Another SA story from page 1
that’s always quoted in said. “It hurts me when no the Optimist, said he just one is happy.” still at a standstill be- wants them to be a famStudents on campus cause no one has made ily. haven’t noticed. a decision. Class officers “I’m just tired of the are pitted against the oth- fighting, it’s getting to er class officers. Brother the point where people against brother. Man are beginning to notice contact jackson at against wife. discrepancies within the caligirl@acu.edu Dylan Benac, the guy student congress,” Benac
Students riot after Chapel email not sent out kirsten holman kinda a big deal The Chapel office was barricaded, banners line the buildings, chairs and tables were turned over in The Bean and students chanted and marched around the GATA fountain, because the Chapel email was not sent out this week. “I went to the wrong Chapel,” said Erika Tanaka, senior advertising and public relations major from Conroe. “I was supposed to go to the petting zoo Chapel. How am supposed get a cute picture with a goat if I can’t find it.” Tanaka finally found the petting zoo Chapel, but in rage and rebellion decided to set the animals free, causing a stampede through the Campus Center. “I heard a loud noise above my office of what sounded like a giant herd of goats,” said Mark Lewis, assistant dean of spiritual life and Chapel programs. “I went upstairs to see what was going on, and I saw a stampede of animals destroying the Campus Center. And then I saw angry students rush through the Campus Center doors, and that’s when I knew something was wrong.” Lewis said he then retreated to his office and his fellow co-workers helped him barricade the doors with desks and chairs. He said he did not know why students were upset. “There were so many students with pitchforks and fire, chanting, ‘We have the right to know.’ But, know what?,” Lewis said. Students took over campus during the three-
day period, and they even hacked into the system to give everyone unlimited Chapel credits. Instead of Chapel gatherings, students decided to create what was called “The Students Resistance,” an underground group created by political science students, dedicated to giving rights back to students. The riots continued for days, keeping the employees trapped in the Chapel office below the Campus Center. Employees said
“
es for the fall, causing the Wifi across ACU to dissipate into a pixelated black hole. Kay Reeves, executive director of Information Technology, said they had to “resuscitate” the servers. “We finally got campus Wifi back up and running after days of trying to fix it,” Reeves said. “It was weird, actually. Right as the Wifi turned back on, the dark clouds rolled away and I heard students singing
All we had to eat were leftover hot pockets in the freezer, but then the students cut the power, so we couldn’t use the microwave.”
they took turns keeping a look out to make sure students wouldn’t get in while others slept. “All we had to eat were leftover hot pockets in the freezer,” said Mark Jackson, associate director of student organizations and programs. “But then the students cut the power, so we couldn’t use the microwave.” For days campus remained in disarray while petting zoo animals roamed about and bunnies ate the vegetables at the salad bar in The Bean. “I didn’t think we would get out alive,” Lewis said. “While we were trapped I began to put the pieces together. I checked my email, and the Chapel email for the week said it was still trying to send. The Wifi was being slow, but I couldn’t figure out why.” This past week, students began registering for class-
Mark jackon head honcho of social clubs
Kumbaya.” Lewis said he and his co-workers were elated when they saw the “sent” notification next to the Chapel email. “We stepped out of the office and the light was just so blinding, but everything was calm and there were no students in sight,” Lewis said. “We went upstairs to see the damage that had been done, it looked like a scene from a horror show, and all of the bagels at Einsteins were half-eaten.” The next day SA decided to allocate funds to help clean up the campus, and enacted a campus-wide rehabilitation act. This act was put into place as a 12-step program to help faculty, staff and students deal with the trauma of the weeks events. contact teh copie editer 4 help!
9
news
the golden day 03.28.14
Tom fired for shaving beloved facial hair alikay wood token homeschooled kid Tom Craig, former director of student productions, was fired last week after shaving his famous mustache, affectionately known by students as Tim Craig. “I looked at that cleanshaven face, and my heart broke a little,” said Mark Jackson, the social club head honcho. “It was like I didn’t even know who he was anymore.” The decision to shave the mustache apparently came after students began confusing Tom and Tim Craig. Craig said he has
been contemplating shaving the mustache for some time, and even though he was fired as a result of his choice, he believes he will be better in the long run. “I want to be more than a mustache,” Craig said. “I want to be a man.” Jackson led the charge to fire Craig and now is drafting a new contract for employees to sign so that this doesn’t happen again in the future. “I just don’t see how he can do the job without Tim. Tom Craig Tom craig They were a team.” Students across campus were shocked to learn attracted almost 5,000 stu- Tim returned. of Tim’s removal. A cande- dents, many of whom took “Tim was my best light vigil on Wednesday a pledge not to shave until friend,” said Harry Fache,
a senior undeclared major from nowhere and going nowhere. “We did everything together. I just don’t understand how Tom could do this to me.” Students missing Tim can find some solace in the knowledge that his remains are being auctioned off on eBay to pay Tom’s bills while he looks for a new job. Pieces of the mustache can be purchased for as low as $100, and Pura Vida is even offering to weave them into student’s hair for a discounted price. Rumor has it that ACU’s very own president, Phil Schubert, will be rocking a streak of gray in honor of Tim.
“This is a difficult time for everyone,” Jackson said. “It has shaken me to the roots of my faith and caused me to question everything I believed in.” Meanwhile, Craig is keeping himself busy answering hate mail and shaving. “This is a new chapter in my life,” he said. “People will finally get to see who I am without Tim and I’m so excited to explore the world, meet new people and experiment with different facial hair configurations.” shouldn’t she be in english?
DiCaprio to join tennis after Oscar snub Daniel zepeda managing editor The men’s tennis team will welcome a new face that most may recognize. Oscar nominated actor Leonardo DiCaprio has signed a letter of intent to come play tennis for ACU in the fall of 2014. The agreement was finalized after weeks of talks between DiCaprio’s agent, family and tennis head coach Hutton Jones. “Our goal all along was to bring a big name to ACU to get people excited about this program,” Jones said. “When we heard that Leo was looking to take a break from acting and pursue his dream of tennis, we knew we couldn’t pass up on an opportunity like that.” In a statement from DiCaprio’s agent, he stated that this was the right time to step away from acting. That after years of being nominated, but never winning an Oscar, he did not find the joy or desire in acting that he had experienced in the past
few years. DiCaprio was nominated for the fourth time for best performance by an actor in a leading role for his performance in The Wolf of Wall Street. The award would go to Matthew McConaughey for his role in Dallas Buyers Club. DiCaprio had been nominated in the past for his roles in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator and Blood Diamond. Many fans of DiCaprio believe any one of those performances should have earned him the award. Other of DiCaprio’s more notable films includes The Great Gatsby, Django Unchained, Inception, The Departed and Titanic. “Leo made it very clear that acting was not a top priority at the moment,” Jones said. “He is very committed to playing tennis and wants to do his very best to help our team.” While growing up in Los Angeles, Calif., DiCaprio discovered early in his life a passion for tennis that surpassed all but one of his loves. He spent most
of his childhood and early teen years playing tennis at the local rec club with others. As an only child, tennis was a way for him to meet other kids and make friendships. The athletes are very excited to begin to work with DiCaprio. Although, there is concern that DiCaprio’s status could cause a distraction for the team. “I seriously thought that coach was messing with me,” sophomore Brandon McCarty said. “To think that Leonardo DiCaprio would want to play tennis, with us, it’s just too unreal.” “It’ll be a great opportunity for our program and for the school,” junior Borja Cortés said. “I hope that we can stay focused and make something awesome.” DiCaprio will begin one-on-one training with Jones over the summer, and will participate in all team activities starting in the fall. contact the optimist at jmcnetwork@acu.edu
dicaprio’s agent
DiCaprio will begin training over the summer after joing the ACU tennis team. Dicaprio said he chose to quit acting because of his failure to snag an Oscar.
University adjusts Core after student outcry Core is so successful, students are requesting that student reporter everyone be required to take one CORE class each semester. The continued growth in “Core has become one popularity of the univer- of my favorite classes,” sity’s Core requirements said Sarah Simpleton, has many students peti- freshman fencing major tioning to increase the from Oz, Kan. “I’m still number of Core courses. not sure what it’s about, Though no one can but we have a lot of fun explain why they believe doing whatever we’re do-
melany cox
ing. And it makes so much sense.” Jon Publick, senior procrastination major from Abilene, is spearheading the movement and has started a MORE CORE Facebook page that already has 4,658 likes, exceeding the number of enrolled students. Publick said he used to complain about Core to
other students but never found anyone who shared a negative opinion about it. “I regret all those years I spent griping about Core,” he said. “It’s been so helpful, and I feel like I’m beginning to find myself. I didn’t even know I was lost.” Faculty members are eager to discuss increas-
ing the number of Core classes. Sources close to the core of Core say they are planning oto implement an A-CORE, C-CORE and D-CORE to accompany the already existing B-CORE. “Eventually we’d like to take it all the way to ZCORE, but that will take some hashing out,” said Dr. Obi Juan Quadobi,
chair of the Core department. “The real trick will be narrowing down the subject content to fit into 26 semesters. These younglings have a lot to learn.”
Don’t contact cox. She has two jobs.
Marketing alters logo after disatisfaction marissa jones typography snob The university has revamped its logo and is replacing the brand released just three years ago. The new design will better communicate ACU’s vision and mission to the world, said Ron Hadfield, assistant vice president for university communication. “The board was concerned that our current logo was too severe, too mainstream,” Hadfield said, “Our new font choice – Comic Sans – shows, yes, we’re progressive and cutting-edge, but we’re also
fun-loving and friendly. That’s the kind of message we want to convey.” Hadfield said that the logo also appeals to a larger demographic. “Research shows that kids are thinking about college at younger and younger ages,” Hadfield said. “We want to engage that group in the recruiting process. This change corresponds with other efforts made by the university to reach out to younger prospective students such as the #lifeonthehill social campaign. ACU’s students and faculty have responded to the new logo with varied responses.
Mitchell West, biblical text major and aspiring preacher, said the new logo was an inspiration. “This new logos – I mean logo – embodies the spirit of ACU beautifully,” West said. “I could now definitely see myself using Comic Sans in future Powerpoints for my sermons.” The logo has received strong backlash from certain groups on campus. Ryan Freerer, instructor of graphic design, has threatened to quit along with other faculty in the Department of Art and Design. “It’s a joke. They have made this campus into a joke,” Freerer said. “We al-
ABILENE
CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY
ACU Marketing
The new logo is designed to attract a younger demographic ready have to put up with the overuse of the font, Papyrus, because they think it looks biblical, but Comic Sans? That’s where I draw the line.” Several ACU sport
teams have also submitted complaints saying the logo will cause ACU athletes to be laughed at by the other teams. The new logo will be painted on Moody Coli-
seum’s f loor and applied to all ACU merchandise by next semester. contact jackson. She doesn’t have enough to do.
Farewell Center constructed for break-ups denim dan jeans enthusiast The success of the Hunter Welcome Center has university officials planning a separate such building on the other side of Teague Boulevard called the Sartain Farewell Center. Named for Lucius Sartain, a 1974 marketing graduate who was dumped a record 17 times by girlfriends during his five-and-a-half years as a student, the Farewell Center will give students an
official location to break up and create the painful memories and hard feelings associated with spurned affections. At an estimated $25 million, university officials acknowledge construction of the new facility will likely delay the anticipated football and soccer stadiums and the planned science complex but say the level of need is considerable. “Lots of people go to football games – but not everyone does,” says Kevin Roberts, vice president
for coming up with new things for the university to do. “And a finite set of students major in the sciences. But everyone gets rejected at least once in their college career. And we think there needs to be a place for that.” Stephen Garza, sophomore political science major from Austin, says the addition of the facility makes sense considering the university has a Welcome Center – for prospective students to get acquainted with the university and scope out
Welcome Week dates – and a Chapel on the Hill – for those surviving relationships to culminate in matrimony. “But not everyone stays together,” Garza said. “We’ve had Jacobs dream for some years now for proposals and engagement pictures, but no good place to break-up.” Indeed, the university has designated appropriate spots for the dissolution of romantic relationships in the past – often banning the pre- and postChapel split. Early on, dis-
illusioned lovers called it quits in a field east of Bennett Gymnasium, where a parking lot now exists, or behind the Chemistry Shack. For a time in the late 1970s, break-ups took place at the GATA fountain. And they moved to the Omega Point for a single semester. The new facility, of course, will be stocked with tissues and painted in soothing, consoling shades. One portion of the building will include the Destructor Lab, a recognition of the burgeoning
Destructor Movement, which will allow jilted sweethearts to vent their frustration by destroying or dismantling a variety of worthless objects. “Who knows?” says Roberts. “We might call it the ‘Wreck Center.’ Or if students start finding love there after getting the boot from their former fiancés, we might just call it the ‘Rebound Room.’”
contact the optimist. He is the optimist.
pessimist
finally 3.28.14
TIN
Student bored of listening, decides to talk lucius patenaude high functioning sociopath Reid Rivers, Alaskan freshman and former Yukon Wolf whisperer, made a name for himself on campus by listening to student’s woes, whats, whens, wheres, whys and whos. Recently, Rivers swapped out his renound “I will listen” cardboard rectangle for one that states “I will talk.” He has not stopped speaking since. “I just realized I was completely full of words one day,” said Rivers. “I hadn’t spoken in weeks. I felt plugged up and wished I could just sit down and let it all out.” Rivers spoke nonstop for a full week disrupting classes, couples and even Chapel. He shocked the whole campus into silence by snatching the mic from Mark Lewis during Chapel and summerizing “Sense and Sensibility.” Dr. Richard Beck spent a significant time listening to Rivers. “Reid’s case is really, really odd,” said Beck. “He doesn’t stick to one perticular topic. He’s all over
the place. One moment it’s politics, the next Pokemon. I learned a lot. Maybe I can earn a real Ph.D in psychology now.” Reprentatives from Guinness World Records arrived on campus three days into Rivers’ talkathon. The previous record for nonstop talking was set in 2009 by Frenchman Lluis Colet who spoke for 124 hours. The Optimist reached out to Colet for a comment. He replied in French. According to Google Translate, Colet said, “My refrigerator is running. I must catch it. ‘Merica.” A state senator had just contacted Rivers for a potential filibuster opportunity when tragedy struck in the form of acute laryngitis. The audacious 150 hour gab ended with an adolescent squeek and a ride in an ambulance. Doctors prescribed Rivers a monthlong vocal rest. “ . . . “ said Rivers. He then wrote on a napkin, “I will not talk.”
contact 99 west
deanna romero da chief
Rivers continues to talk after swapping out his “I will listen” cardboard sign for “I will talk.”
ACU sports join the Big XII conference matt sloan intramural coach The ACU department of athletics announced it has accepted membership to the Big XII Conference. “We just love being Div. I so much we thought we would go play in the Big XII,” director of athletics Jared Mosley said. “We are clearly the best college in Abilene, and our next goal is to be the best athletic department in the state of Texas. In order to do that, we felt it was time to crank up the competition level.”
All of ACU’s athletic teams will make the move to the Big XII Conference this fall, which means that all of the fall sports had to scrap their previous schedules to accommodate the move. However, in ACU’s roughly eight months as a Div. I program, several teams have registered big wins, which leads Mosley to believe all of the ACU teams will be able to be competitive next year. “Was I the only one in Moody that watched our volleyball team give Texas Tech the business this fall?” Mosley said. “Our women’s
basketball team also took down Tech in Lubbock. The real story here is how is Texas Tech still in the Big XII? I mean those Red Raiders are lucky we aren’t taking their spot.” ACU represents one of two schools moving into the Big XII conference this fall. Angelo State will also move into the conference. The two teams are natural rivals because a year ago they were both Div. II schools in the Lone Star Confernece. “I mean we are no ACU, but at least we will get to lose on national television every once in a while,” said John
Snow, director of athletics for Angelo State. “The exposure will be great and we did miss coming to Abilene, so the move will allow us to return to one of the greatest cities in the country.” Once ACU made plans to break ground on a new football stadium, the mutual interest from ACU and the Big XII began to grow. After Mosley made a few calls, a meeting was set up to determine if ACU was Big XII material. “Basically, once I walked in they had immediate interest because of my height,” Mosley said. “Apparently the
athletic directors at different conferences play an annual pick up game for charity, and the Big XII was tired of getting hammered by the ACC. They told me that as long as we broke ground on a stadium within the next decade and I help them take down the ACC athletics directors we are in. Let’s just say I dropped 24 a game my senior year, and I still have about 18 points and eight boards in me. I stepped on the court and the rest was history.” Bob Stoops, head football coach of the Oklahoma Sooners, has filed a petition
to avoid playing in Abilene “while they still play in that darn high school stadium right off the highway,” but the Big XII does not plan on forcing the Wildcats to play all of their conference games on the road at this juncture. ACU’s volleyball team opens up Big XII play September 9th against Kansas in Moody Coliseum and the football team will open its season on the road against TCU September 1st.
contact the news staff. They’re in charge
Lewis refuses to end Chapel, students trapped Maggie Marshall stephen queen Mark Lewis refused to stop talking in Chapel on Tuesday, resulting in the first overnight Chapel in ACU history. By 3 p.m. on Tuesday, over 50 percent of the student body had left Moody Coliseum. By 9 a.m on Wednesday morning, only 25 percent remained. The students who have stayed are doing so only for the Chapel credit. Kristy Wannaleave, freshman biochemistry major from Paris and Jeremy Desperato, senior business major from Waco have remained in Chapel since 11 a.m. Thursday. “It’s like a really horrible sleepover,” said Wannaleave. “I fell asleep for eight hours last night. I woke up, and he was still talking.” Wannaleave said she’s staying only because she wants to start her college career off right. She has attended every Chapel since
Welcome Week. “I don’t want to get a reputation as a Chapel-skipper,” she said. “What would people think? I love Jesus, so I’ll prove it by going to Chapel.” Desperato is staying for his own reasons. “I only have five credits,” said Jeremy Desperato, senior business major from Waco. “I was on chapel probation last semester so if it happens again, I can’t graduate. I need those credits bad, man.” The extended Chapel time is causing multiple problems around campus. With 25 percent of the students still in Chapel, many professors decided to cancel classes. Dr. Cole Bennett, professor in the Department of Language and Literature, did not attend Chapel but was able to be interviewed by email. “I knew a lot of my students would either be in Chapel, or skip class and claim they were in Chapel,” he said. “Either way, my stu-
dents are v. I would’ve done the same thing.” Dr. Steven Moore, a fellow professor in the Department of Language and Literature, is attending Chapel and is supposed to lead “Highways and Byways” at the conclusion of Chapel. “I haven’t eaten in over 12 hours now and these chairs are too uncomfortable to sleep in,” Moore said. “Being so hungry and sleepdeprived, I may get up there to sing ‘You’ve got to take the Lord with you’ and the Lord just may take me, instead.” Chapel continued through the night and into Wednesday morning. “I’m just glad the Optimist still has a way of getting today’s paper out,” said Frank Newslover, junior journalism major from Boerne. “My phone died, so the Optimist will be my only source of entertainment if this Chapel lasts any longer.” contact the english department
mandy lambright Staff Photographer
It is suspected that Mark Lewis has lost it.
Student doesn’t change profile picture after trip Madeline orr that traitor While junior Lauren Hart said her time spent in Uganda last summer was “life-changing,” she faces criticism from peers for not changing her profile picture after returning
home. “If a Christian goes to Africa and doesn’t change their Facebook profile picture to one of them surrounded by smiling children, did she really even go?” said Dr. Warren Chacos, professor of missions and social media. Hart, an English major
from Houston, said she didn’t really have time to stop and take pictures, but her friends on the trip were very good at updating Instagram whenever they had a chance. “I don’t even know how they found wi-fi,” said Hart. “Once I thought we were talking about plans
for the day’s VBS, but they were actually discussing what Bible verse they should use as a caption.” Dr. Chacos said that social media has become a crucial part of mission work. “Being able to ‘like’ each other’s mission photos is really becoming a
way to show how much we like Jesus,” said Chacos. “Only by reaching a certain number of likes can you feel affirmed that you are doing kingdom work.” Katie Wright, sophomore family studies major from Keller, plans on spending her upcoming summer working with in-
ner city children and elephants in Thailand. “I think its odd that someone wouldn’t update their profile after such a great photo-op,” said Wright. “Sometimes it’s hard to pick a filter that contact that liberal, heathen city
Rings: Record to be broken by Wedding on the Hill the Aramark. “The Bean’s been working on some really awethem,” he said. “All the cou- some wedding cake deples have to do is show up, signs,” Benac said. ready for a lifetime of hapPhil Schubert said the piness.” filmed mass ceremony will Benac said the “Wed- be a great way to show the ding on the Hill” will even amount of love on campus include a reception after to the world. the ceremony hosted by “Walking through from page 1
campus and seeing all the couples in the spring time is like being part of a Nicholas Sparks’ movie,” Schubert said. “I’m excited to see all these couples take part in such a big moment in our history.” To ensure the lovebirds get a large enough audience for the event, Mark
Lewis, assistant dean for Spiritual Life and Chapel Programs, said “Wedding on the Hill” will be worth four chapel credits. “Since there’s a huge amount of love going on in the ceremony, the Chapel Office thought it’d take part in that by giving back to the students,” Lewis said.
Trevor Thompson, New Testament instructor who will officiate the mass ceremony, said he can’t wait to help so many couples start off their relationships. “This isn’t pie in the sky we’re talking, you know?” Thompson said. “It’s a real chance to make a difference in the world with
the love that exists here at ACU.” Couples interested in taking part in the ceremony can contact Benac for more information. Students who are single may also contact Benac for the contact thut, thut it looks like rain