ION Arizona March 2010 by ION Arizona

March 2010

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QUEEN OF THE DESERT PAGEANT

THE ROCK

Photos by Carlos Silvo 14

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

Super Bowl Party

Photos by Mike Chesworth 16

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New Partnerships. New Beginnings. Better Community.

They say it’s never too late to get

a fresh start. I couldn’t agree more. Today is a new beginning.

I’m the first to admit that we’ve made some mistakes in the last 8 1/2 years we have been publishing ION. I apologize. Every issue of ION is a positive learning experience for myself and our staff. In any business, difficult decisions have to be made. Sometimes feelings get hurt. Business evolves. But the ultimate goal remains the same: to create the best GLBT magazine for you that we can. That, I don’t apologize for. One of my new goals for the future is to work together with other individuals and organizations to help grow our community during these tough times. One of the great results of our merger with Heatstroke News is that now we can work together with their staff, advertisers and consolidate our resources. We invite all publications, promotion companies, GLBT businesses and gayfriendly companies to work together. Here a some of the changes you’ll see in the months to come: • We have added 80 new 24-hour street distribution locations bringing our total to over 200 locations. • This spring we will launch the new MyHeatstroke.com. All the news, laughter, drama you always loved and more!

• We’re planning the biggest Splash Bash ever. Stay tuned for more details. • ION Arizona is a sponsor of the Devoured Culinary Classic at the Phoenix Art Museum on March 13 -14. See the feature on page 54. • ION Arizona is the exclusive local media and a Hail Mary Sponsor for the 2010 Gay Bowl X this October We invite all of you to join ION Arizona at the Arizona Renaissance Festival’s Gay Day 2010 on March 7th. For one day, we all speak Olde English, eat huge turkey drumsticks, and participate in games and shows you won’t see any where else. I guarantee it’s the most fun you will ever have in Apache Junction. This is a great issue! We have the sexiest bartenders, all the St. Patrick Day parties, a hilarious interview with “weblebrities” Jessica and Hunter as well as an expanded Dining Out section featuring Devoured and the Roscoe’s Chili Bowl cook-off. Next month is our expanded Phoenix Pride issue that, for the first time ever, will include the actual Phoenix Pride Program. Make no mistake about it. ION Arizona is here for you. Promise! Jack Tesorero Publisher

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3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #10, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 ........... jacktesorero@me.com

FUN DIRECTOR Bill Knoop .............................................. (602) 301-8457 CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ..................... kbushaw@me.com Editor AND TYPIST Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .................. ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Craig Rubin ................................. ionarizona@me.com GRAPHIC DESIGNER Brock Miles ......................... ionazproduction@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jorge Suarez, Ext 2 ..................... ionazsales@me.com Photographers:

Jerry O’Conner Carlos Silvo

Don Thompson Michael Chesworth

National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly Peter Lora

Justin Gonzales Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

To Grow your business, call (602) 308-4662 ext 2 Published monthly by

a JMT Designs, Inc. company

PRINTED IN THE USA

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

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March 2010

1995-2010: 15 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

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Boi Toi To infinity, and beyond! Who said you were too old to play with toys? Come play every Thursday Night at Sky Lounge. It is 18+ all night, 21+ to drink, so all the kids can come play no matter what their bed time is. And with all the playing going on, just think, you may even find a new friend to build a fort with, or play hide and go seek! Every Thursday night at Sky Lounge. 132 E. Washington St., Phoenix. For more info visit boitoient.com

Malice in Wonderland

One pill makes you larger and the other makes you small, the one your mother gives you don’t do anything at all. Forget the pills and head on down the rabbit hole to BS West on Saturday March 13 for their Malice in Wonderland Party. With 2-4-1 drinks all night long it might be hard to remember what the dormouse said...drink your head! 7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale. For more info call 480945-9028.

The Hose

Some call it brunch, some call it an excuse to drink copious amounts of adult beverages in the middle of the day without the risk of getting judged, and some call it a Tea Dance. Head on over to The Rock on Sunday March 28 for their monthly Tea Dance. The Hose, which takes place on the last Sunday of every month is giving you ample reasons to indulge in a little hair of the dog with $3 margaritas, mimosas, and bloody mary’s. The Hose goes from 1 p.m. - 6 p.m., so don’t worry, you’ll be home before dark. 4129 N. 7th Ave., Phoenix. For more info visit therockdmphoenix.com

Less Barking, More Wagging Who you calling a Bitch? Oh you’re dog, OK! Head on over to Apollo’s with man’s best friend on Sunday March 28 for Less Barking More Wagging. The lovely Barbara Seville presents this fundraiser for the Arizona Cocker Rescue. From 2 p.m. - 8 p.m. there’s a meet and sniff for all the dogs, gourmet treats, an auction, and an adopt-a-dog pet show! Later in the night there is a drag show with Mimi the One-Eyed Wonder Dog! With all the barkin’ going on at Apollo’s, people will be wondering “who let the dogs out?!” 5749 N/ 7th St., Phoenix. For more info visit apollos.com

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He’s a Rebel

Britney who? Calling all rock stars, this party is for you! Rock and roll on over to icepics videobar March 30 (and the last Tuesday of every month) for He’s a Rebel! The DJ’s will be spinning Punk, New Wave, Rock & Roll and there is a $0.50 beer bust with Bud Light Drafts to quench your thirst. This dance party will be so much fun it will make you wanna rock & roll all night, and party everyday. 3108 E. McDowell Rd., Phoenix. For more info visit icepicsvideobar.com

march 2010 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT & LOCATION CITY Check out bar and nightclub ads in this issue for daily & weekly specials! 2 Weds. 4-7 Thurs. 7 7 7 13 13 13-14 17 17 18 19-20 20 21 25 26 28 30 31

Mustache Ride at icepics (monthly- First Tuesday) Karamba’s Got Talent (weekly) Southwest Leather Pride - Velocity, Apollo’s & More Boi Toi at Sky Lounge (weekly) Oscar Viewing Party / SNATCH at icepics Oscar Party at Forbidden A Red Carpet Affair - Oscar Party at Amsterdam Malice in Wonderland at BS West Cactus Cities’ Chili Cookoff at Roscoe’s Devoured Culinary Classic Johnny Mc’s Reunion at Apollo’s St. Patrick’s Day Celebrations Everywhere Inferno TOGA Party at Forbidden Spring Fling Party at Dick’s Cabaret Black Out Party IV at BS West Mike’s B’day Bash at The Rock Sports Party at Karamba Alice in Wonderland GLOW Party at Forbidden The Hose at The Rock (Monthly - Last Sunday) He’s a Rebel at icepics (Monthly - Last Tuesday) Dottie’s Farewell Party at Cruisin’ 7th

Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Art Museum Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix

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Art Detour

“I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like.” We hear it all the time. Art Detour is a two-day, self-guided tour of artist studios and other art spaces in downtown Phoenix organized by Artlink, Inc. in cooperation with the participating venues. It’s a great way to see new, emerging artists, see downtown, and have fun! And it’s FREE! March 6-7. Visit www.ArtlinkPhoenix.com for more info.

Great Arizona Beer Festival Hey, guys! Want some great head? Who doesn’t!? So hit the Great Arizona Beer Festival March 6-7 at Tempe Beach Park. With a paid admission you can sample up to 40 delicious microbrewed and specialty craft beers. Enjoy food, music, games, contests and more! But no Beer Pong. For tix visit AZbeer.com/tempe. 21+ only.

Devoured Culinary Classic A famous queen said, “Let ‘em eat cake.” And so did Marie Antoinette. Have your cake – along with various other delicacies – and eat it, too, at Devoured: Phx Culinary Classic. A plethora of local restaurateurs, chefs, and other inventive local eateries show you the way to a man’s – and woman’s – heart is through their stomach. It all happens at the Phoenix Art Museum March 13-14. For tix and a list of participating restaurants go to www.PhxArt.org/Devoured.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION around town listings DATE

1-30 6-7 6-7 6-7 7 thru 12 12-14 12-14 13 13-14 13-14 20-21 20-21 26 26-28 26-28 thru 28 24

ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION Cactus League Baseball Art Detour Great Arizona Beer Festival Heard Museum Indian Fair & Market Melrose on 7th Street Fair Exotic Art Show - Alwun House Ostrich Festival at Tumbleweed Park Scottsdale Arts Festival at the Center for the Arts St. Patrick’s Day Parade & Faire at Hance Park Devoured Culinary Classic Litchfield Art & Culinary Festival Glendale Folk & Heritage Festival Arizona Antique Show Agave on the Rocks Tempe Festival of the Arts WorldFEST at Heritage Square Arizona Renaissance Festival

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Various Ballparks Downtown Phoenix Tempe Beach Park Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Chandler Scottsdale Phoenix Phoenix Art Museum Downtown Litchfield Park Sahuaro Ranch Park, Glendale AZ State Fairgrounds Desert Botanical Gardens Mill Ave. - Tempe Phoenix Apache Jctn.

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Flogging Molly It’s St. Patrick’s Day and everybody’s Irish! And you’re not even a little bit Irish unless you’ve seen Flogging Molly. It’s practically mandatory here. Along with heavy drinking. This boisterous, crowd-pleasing, seven-piece Los Angeles band plays American Punk Rock music with a Celtic flair. So much fun you’ll probably feel like fighting afterwards. Catch these hooligans March 17 at the Marquee Theatre, 730 N. Mill Ave. in Tempe. 480-829-0707 or get tix on www.luckymanonline.com

Symphonic Star Wars C’mon, all you Wookies! Grab your favorite Stormtrooper, get in your Nebulon-B frigate and fly over to Phoenix Symphony Hall for Symphonic Star Wars! See the sexy (we’re not kidding here. He’s really hot!) conductor John Moody conduct the classic John Williams’ scores from the beloved Star Wars pictures March 2628. Leave your lightsabers and Ewoks at home, please. 75 N. 2nd St. Phoenix. Info: 602-262-7272

The Black Eyed Peas I gotta feelin’ ... that tonight’s gonna be a good night. So why don’t you get your lovely lady lumps and your humps to the Jobing.com Arena in beautiful Glendale! Fergalicious, Will.I.Am and the gang are gonna shake it ‘til they break it! 9400 E. Maryland Ave. For tix call 800-745-3000 or visit www.TicketMaster.com

March 2010 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST / EVENT LOCATION

3-4 4 6 7 7 11 11-13 17 19 21 23 26 26-28 28 31 APRIL 4

Jazz Divas Jan Sandwich Trio Ronnie Milsap The DelRayz The Hendrix Experience Steve Tyrell Cool Like That Flogging Molly Joe Bonamassa Big Nick & the Gila Monsters Ray Davies Roseanne Cash Symphonic Star Wars Paul McCartney The Black Eyed Peas

Kerr Cultural Ctr. Mesa Arts Center Chandler Ctr. for the Arts Scotts. Ctr. for the Arts Mesa Arts Center Mesa Arts Center Kerr Cultural Ctr. Marquee Theatre Orpheum Theatre Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts Dodge Theatre Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts Phx. Symphony Hall Jobing.com Arena Jobing.com Arena

480-596-2660 480-644-6500 480-782-2680 480-994-2787 480-644-6500 480-644-6500 480-596-2660 480-829-0707 602-379-2888 480-994-2787 602-379-2888 480-994-2787 602-262-7272 623-772-3800 623-772-3800

Alice Tatum

Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts

480-994-2787

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by Jackson David Kelly davekjackson@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? March begins an onslaught of new music. In addition to these, find new material from Danny Gokey, Peter Gabriel, Lifehouse, Alice in Wonderland soundtrack, Jason Derulo, Jamie Cullum, Armin Van Buuren (greatest), Goldfrapp and tentative Usher. And as a side note, those expecting Christina Aguilera in March will now have to wait until April.

Madonna Sticky & Sweet

Filmed in Buenos Aires over a four day stint, see why Madonna continues to be one of music’s most respected artists in history. Penned as the most successful concert by a solo artist and second highest grossing of all time behind the Rolling Stones, Madonna’s $408m trek finally sees light on CD, DVD and first time BluRay formats. See Madonna serenade the crowd in her moving version of “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” as well as 30 additional minutes not originally aired. For those that missed this spectacle and Billboard’s Top Tour of 2009, now’s your chance.

Gorillaz Plastic Beach

The infamous Rock cartoon gods are back with their third release. Considered to be their most pop/commercial album to date, Plastic Beach showcases a bold move to electro-pop and an album with lyrics and melodies that are “comprehendible.” Loaded with 16 tracks, find diverse collaborations from the likes of Snoop Dog, Lou Reed, Mos Def, and De La Soul. First track “Stylo” sleeks with its slow, pulsating and almost Pet Shop Boys lure

while Mos Def shines on “Sweepstakes;” the track that he calls his finest work. Inspired by plastic rubbish found on a beach, this album gives a whole new dimension to a realm that can only be described as eclectic.

Amy MacDonald A Curious Thing

After selling three million copies of “This is the Life,” Amy is ready to prove why she’s one of UK’s best. Though not a household name in the US (yet), MacDonald continues the same formula in her debut (and one of my favorite albums in years). First single “Don’t Tell Me” is a knee slappin’ jam with a hint of Scottish twang, much in the vain of KT Tunstall, as is the uplifting song “Ordinary Life.” And then there’s “No Roots,” a song with an acoustic and haunting opening that later gives way to a foot-stomping session. If you haven’t been introduced yet, now consider yourself acquainted!

Groove Armada Black Light

Groove Armada takes a 180 degree turn to bring you their newest sound, one that can be perfectly described as a combo of rock from the late 70s and new wave from the early 80s. Part Depeche Mode, part Psychedelic Furs and part Cure, Black Light is an album you’ll love right away or will grow to love after a few listens. Lead track “I Won’t Kneel” channels Kate Bush while “Paper Romance” sounds something right off of MGMT’s album. And then there’s “Time & Space,” this album’s best track and a song that can be called almost perfect. March 2010

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Snatch: An Act of Drag Terrorism! You can always expect the unexpected when you go to one of Pandora Productions wild and zany performances. Snatch: An Act of Drag Terrorism! will shock and amaze you! Titillate and delight you! Packed with a powerhouse of talent, it stars Pandora DeStrange, Savannah Stevens, Olivia Gardens, and a cast of thousands! Well, at least six or seven more. It all happens on Sunday, March 7 at 8 p.m. 3108 E. McDowell Rd. Phone: 602-267-8707. www.icepicsvideobar.com

MARCH 2010 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

First & Third Tues. 10:00p BS West Hookers In Hose with Kiki Vermont Second & Fourth Tues. 10:00p BS West Heroine Chic with Mya & Naomi Mondays 7:00p Apollo’s Drag Race Viewing Party Tuesdays 10:30p Karamba Susana’s Show Wednesday 10:30 Cruisin’ 7th Judy & Dottie Steppin’ Out Wednesdays 10:00p Charlie’s Claudia B. & Company Wednesdays 10:30p Karamba Diamond Dallas Hosts... Thursdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Thursdays 9:30p Amsterdam Icons Live w/ Mya McKenzie & Kiki Vermont Thursdays 10:30p Karamba Susana’s Show 3rd Thurs. 8:00p Forbidden Ruby ‘n’ Friends Fridays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th TGIF with Devina Ross Saturdays 10:30p Cruisin’ 7th Dream Girls with Regina Gazelle Saturdays 10:00p The Rock Diamond Dolls with Mya McKenzie Saturdays 10:00p icepics The Follies Comedy Drag Show Saturdays 10:00p Forbidden The Barbra Seville Show Saturdays 9:30p Charlie’s Pussy’s Patio Show Saturdays 10:30p Pumphouse II Hot Bodz Male Revue w/ Savannah Third Saturdays 1:00p Cruisin’ 7th Native American Revue 1st & 2rd Sundays 12:30p Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Morning Madness Sunday 14th 8:00p Apollo’s T.C Taylor’s That Time Of The Month Show Sunday 14th TBD Forbidden Staff Turnabout Show Sunday 21st 8:00p Apollo’s Brandon Packer/Luke Mighway TTofTM Sundays 8:30p Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Sundays 10:30p Karamba Galilea’s Show Second Sunday 8:00p Apollo’s That Time of The Month with Dottie Sunday 28th 8:00p Apollo’s Barbra Seville Cocker Rescue Benefit To add your drag event, e-mail dates, times, locations & pics to kbushaw@me.com Included events must be 1) Charity Benefit OR 2) Located at an ION Arizona Advertiser

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Mr. & Miss Phoenix Pride

Photos by Deon Brown March 2010

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To Seduce a Prince ... She Will Destroy a Kingdom! Last year Nearly Naked Theatre did something new: they held their first public “workshop production.” The play was PHÆDRE, a “Greek tragedy” written over 400 years ago by French playwright Jean Racine. This new adaptation by Nearly Naked’s artistic director Damon Dering was inspired. Filled with magic, darkness and, of course, a powerful use of sexuality and nudity, the play came alive for modern audiences. And this was just a workshop with minimal sets and costumes. Kind of like a preview of things to come. Well, the full production of PHÆDRE is here. And it’s going to knock more than your socks off! Switching between antiquated language and modern English, as well as flipping eras between Ancient Greece to modern Europe, the play is a dark and sensual journey through the mind of a Queen driven mad by lust and passion. We asked the director-playwright to give us the gist: “Phædre is about the Queen of Athens who has been cursed by Aphrodite to fall in love with her stepson. She resists

these feelings until she learns that her husband, the king, is dead. Then she tries to seduce her stepson. Only this is the most forbidden kind of thing under Greek law, so it doesn’t go well for her. Then we find out the king isn’t dead. That’s when all Hades breaks loose!” Nearly Naked has spent more than a decade producing some of Arizona’s most provocative theatre. Dering himself is an artist noted for his fascinating (and sometimes disturbing) use of nudity and sexuality to invoke an emotional response from his audiences. Of course, in classical theatre there was no nudity. There were also no images of incest happening onstage. In Dering’s adaptation, we slip into Phædre’s imagination, and we see the incestuous things she is fantasizing about. The disturbing nature of her fantasies make the horror of this crime real to us in a modern society where propositioning your 20-year-old stepson is not the craziest thing in the world. Several actors return to the world premiere of PHÆDRE from the workshop production, including Nearly Naked’s own David Weiss, and the very handsome young actor March 2010

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more impressive is how dangerously he plays the fantasy Hippolytus versus the real Hippolytus. The darkness of Phædre’s fantasies in Dering’s wonderful adaptation make this an evening of art that is not to be missed.

Chris Matesevac, whose portrayal of Hippolytus in the workshop was as stunning as his beautiful body. But

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PHÆDRE is intended for mature audiences only; containing adult themes, graphic sexuality and nudity. Performances are Thursdays through Saturdays at 8pm., and Sundays at 6pm or 2pm (alternating). The Little Theatre at Phoenix Theatre is located at 100 E. McDowell Rd. in the Phoenix Theatre/ Phoenix Art Museum complex. For tickets, call Phoenix Theatre’s box office at (602) 254-2151 or visit Nearly Naked Theatre online at www. NearlyNakedTheatre.org

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by Peter Lora

Scents & Sensibilty

here are a lot of different characteristics to take into account whenever you’re meeting a guy for the first time out on the town. At first you see his face; is he chiseled and handsome or should he invest in that red Alexander McQueen mask GaGa wore at the 2009 VMA’s? The shoes are hopefully not flip-flops or running sneakers, his jeans are the perfect fit, he’s wearing a leather belt because he’s mature and a shirt that doesn’t sparkle, shimmer or frighten you with pseudo-vintage tattoo depictions of skulls, crossbones, dice, playing cards, crucifixes, snakes, Voldemort, lions, tigers or bears. Then there’s always that last little, elusive and oh-so crucial element being the way our potential Future Lover smells. The right cologne could have you releasing your man-craving SheWolf and conversely the wrong scent could make you pretend to check your cell phone and run to the bar after making that awkward three-minutes of eye contact. All too often men tend to pick what 38

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they’ve always worn. The truth is that any well-marketed cologne has had its day in the sun and many scents are outdated or over-worn. Walk into any bar that has “Diva House” music playing and it’s certain that you’ll catch whiffs of “CK One,” “Curve,” “Aqua di Gio” and the overrated, genetically engineered staple of our community the homocentric aphrodisiac that is Abercrombie’s’ “Fierce.” “Fierce” is kind of like the word “Party.” In 2009, GQ stated that the rule of thumb should be that “Party” should never be used by a gentleman as an adjective after the age of 23. So all you Madeline Ashtons out there “Fierce” is not the potion. Your cologne selection should be representative of your style and get you noticed when you’re surrounded by your coven of night-out gays. A good fragrance will consist of several different layers or notes and should smell different to someone the longer that they are around or near you. The monsters and heartbreakers, with a whiskey in one hand and a boy’s heart in the other, would find John Varvatos’ “Vintage” quite the new addition, which contains a very forward note of leather and subtle spice note. If you smell

this enrapturing elixir on a guy run for the hills because you will end up in sweat pants watching Sex & The City reruns with a pizza. Other fragrances with the same effect are “Gucci” by Gucci; Dolce & Gabbana’s “The One,” Givenchy’s “Play,” Chanel’s “Platinum Egoïste” and virtually any of the expensive Creed fragrances. For all you urban, gay hipsters Burberry’s “The Beat” would wear you well. This very bold fragrance has notes of leatherwood, vetiver bourbon, cedrat, violet leaves and black pepper. This is the perfect fragrance for the guy you’d meet haunting Phoenix’s First Friday, the rooftop of Bar Smith, Symphony Hall and the Lost Leaf. If this doesn’t suit your fancy try Diesel “Fuel for Life,” “Marc Jacobs,” YSL’s “L’Homme” and Dior “Homme.”

ask for help; the fragrance specialists behind the counters at department and cosmetic stores can be very informative, seeing as though all they’ve done that day is sample scents and polish glass. Always spray your own skin lightly and never your clothes because you may stain white or delicate fabrics. Let’s not ruin your Freakum Dress. Although scents can be pricey, there’s no better compliment than him rolling over from his side of the bed to embrace you and say, “No one smells like you”… in a good way that is.

Order your St. Patrick’s Day &

Easter Flowers today!

The boy next door in his cotton tee, seersucker shorts, Sperry or Tom’s shoe should head for more light hearted, fresher but equally sexy scents like Gucci’s “Pour Homme II.” D&G’s “La Lune,” Versace’s “Eau Fraiche,” “L’Eau d’Issey” by Issey Miyake and DSquared’s “Wood.” Picking a scent that is unique, sexy, classy and characteristically you can be a challenge. Never be afraid to

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Phaedre This is not about or starring Phoenix’s beloved drag queen of the same name. Incest is best! A game the whole family can play! Cursed by the goddess Aphrodite, Phaedre, the dying queen of Athens, falls in love with her stepson, Hippolytus. An obsessive love story with the poetry of Euripides and the violent energy of Fatal Attraction without the rabbit. A Nearly Naked Theatre at Phoenix Theatre 10 East McDowell. March 5-27. 602-274-3432

Avenue Q The story of Princeton, a bright-eyed college grad who comes to New York City with big dreams and a tiny bank account discovering that the only neighborhood in his price range is Avenue Q. Together, Princeton and his newfound friends struggle to find jobs, dates, and their ever-elusive purpose in life. A musical all told with puppets! See it at ASU Gammage March 9-14. 1200 S. Forest Ave. Info & tix: 480965-3434, www.ASUgammage.com

Chelsea Handler She’s acerbic, witty, bitchy, makes fun of herself, her family, the rest of America, and of course, Spain. The E! Channel’s Chelsea Handler comes to the Dodge Theatre on her Bang Bang Tour on Thursday, March 11. 400 W. Washington. Tix: www.LiveNation.com or call 602-379-2800. Sponsored by Belvedere Vodka. Really.

FEBRUARY 2010 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION

4-20 5-21 5-27 thru 14 9-14 10-14 11 11-13 13-14 14-29 12-27 18-21 23-28 23-4/3 25-4/10 25-27 27 APRIL 6-11

PHONE

Blithe Spirit Secret Order Phaedre Light in the Piazza Avenue Q Now That She’s Gone Chelsea Handler: Bang Bang Tour Joe Rogan Martin Short The Immigrant Indivisible Pablo Francisco Tony & Tina’s Wedding Around the World in a Bad Mood The Glass Menagerie Tom Green Keo Woolford - I Land

Mesa Arts Center Actors Theatre at Herberger Nearly Naked at Phx Thtre. Phoenix Theatre ASU Gammage Chandler Ctr. for the Arts Dodge Theatre Tempe Improv Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts AZ Jewish Theatre at PVCC Herberger Theater Center Tempe Improv Chandler Ctr. for the Arts Mesa Arts Center Herberger Theater Center Tempe Improv ASU Gammage

480-644-6500 602-254-7399 602-274-3432 602-274-3432 480-965-3434 480-782-2680 602-379-2800 480-921-9877 480-994-ARTS 602-264-0402 602-254-7399 480-921-9877 480-782-2680 480-644-6500 602-254-7399 480-921-9877 480-965-3434

Jesus Christ Superstar

ASU Gammage

480-965-3434

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MORE PICTURES AT IONA Z.COM

Mustache Ride

Photos by Deon Brown 42

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by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Movie Previews Alice in Wonderland

Starring: Helena Bonham Carter, Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Anne Hathaway Lewis Carroll’s beloved childhood classic comes to life in the live-action adaptation directed by Tim Burton (Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands). Picking up where Disney’s 1951 animated version left off, Alice in Wonderland stars Mia Wasikowska as the 19-year-old incarnation of the daydreaming youth who, despite giving very good advice, once again decides to not take her own and returns to Wonderland. After reuniting with her old friends, the Mad Hatter (Depp), Caterpillar (Alan Rickman, Harry Potter), and Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry, V for Vendetta, Wilde), Alice learns her destiny is to overthrow the Red Queen (Bonham Carter). As is par for any Burton cinematic enterprise, Alice in Wonderland takes an oft-told narrative and repackages it as a darkly sentimental core in an eerily stunning exterior. Fans of the original story and/ or Disney version may find themselves off-put by the creative licensing, but Burton’s distinctive style and his continued partnerships with talents like Depp, Rickman, and Bonham Carter, will make this a mustsee. Release Date: 03/05/2010.

Clash of the Titans

Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes Remakes abound this season and the Clash of the Titans is no exception. This Greek myth catalogs the adventures of Perseus, mortal son of the god, Zeus, who must slay Medusa the Gorgon to rescue his beloved Andromeda from the clutches of the Kraken sea monster. As is par for the course with all Greek myths, Perseus does not tackle this challenge alone; bored, fickle Gods get in on the intrigue by both helping and hurting him in his quest. The original 1981 version used stop-motion animation for its special effects and starred Harry Hamlin as Perseus, and featured an all-star cast of Sir Laurence Olivier, Burgess Meredith, Maggie Smith, and Ursula Andress. The 2010 version uses computer graphics imaging (CGI) and stars Sam Worthington (Avatar) as Perseus, Liam Neeson (Batman Begins) as Zeus, and Ralph Fiennes (The English Patient) as Hades. If you were a huge, nerdy fan of the original like I was, you may be turned-off by the decision to remake a cult classic. Hopefully, the special effects and equally capable cast will be enough to sway you in its favor. Release Date: 04/02/2010.

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by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

DVD Movie Review Being a movie reviewer can either be a blessing or a curse, depending on the day. Sometimes Mr. Postman brings us true cinematic delights, like romantic comedies, Oscar-worthy dramas, foreign fare, or indie experimental pieces. Even some of the “worst” movies I have seen had some value in them; I still get a kick out of craptaculars like Dante’s Cove and The Lair. But then there are some that are so unbelievably bad, it makes you wonder if the Celluloid Gods are just having a laugh at your expense, or if you seriously, perhaps irreparably, angered them. For example…

Remarkable Power

Starring: Kevin Nealon, Evan Peters, Nora Zehetner, Tom Arnold, Kip Pardue Wicked webs and interconnectedness have been the storytelling method en vogue. 13 Conversations about One Thing, Babel, and Crash are only a few examples of this subgenre in which an ensemble of seemingly unrelated characters are satellites orbiting around the same person, place, or idea. In Remarkable Power, the center of gravity is Kevin Nealon’s, Jack West, a late night talk show host who’s getting screwed in a way no one likes; the studio execs want to cancel his show, and his wife is hitting it with a local baseball hero. West orchestrates a scheme to serve his wife just desserts and keep his post-prime time spot. Ok, fair enough, except – writer/director, Brandon Beckner decides that’s just not enough plot for the audience and forces us to watch four other storylines before

half-heartedly attempting to trick us into an “ah-ha!” moment when he knits them all together in the end. There’s Ross (Peters), a dope-smoking ne’er-do-well turned diehard disciple of a get-rich-quick scheme hocked on witching hour infomercials called ‘Remarkable Power’ before becoming an accidental murderer who doesn’t have enough sense to know when to stay or when to go; Athena (Zehetner), a death-obsessed gothic pixie who makes a living taking gory, post-mortem photos and fancies herself the Addams Family version of ‘Nancy Drew;’ Van Hagen (Arnold), a private eye that’s about as discrete as an atom bomb; and Moses (Jack Plotnick), an obnoxiously stereotypical Jew/drug dealer who terrorizes substance abusing D-listers when he’s not kicking it Old School Testament with his sight gag sidekicks. Every character is a caricature. This is not altogether uncommon for this subgenre of film – the more characters you add to the mix, the less time you can devote to really developing them. While it makes sense that filmmakers would have to rely on storytelling shortcuts like stereotypes to communicate their characters, it doesn’t negate the fact that you have a whole slew of unsympathetic characters. Factor in them doing abnormal or immoral things in the name of creating a dynamic plot, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Filmmakers, take heed: if you’re going to have your characters do things that wouldn’t square with most of your audience’s beliefs or values, you better make those characters people we can identify with. So, while Remarkable Power has an adept cast, decent direction, and is of a higher technical quality than many of the movies I review, this glaring error in storytelling makes it impossible to enjoy. March 2010

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Thai E-San

ou might remember the Rogers and Hammerstein musical, The King and I. Maybe the two devious and mischievous cats in the Disney animated feature Lady and the Tramp. How about the famous conjoined twins from huckster P.T. Barnum’s famous circus sideshow? They were all Siamese, if you please. In 1949 this gilded country, which lies in southeast Asia became more familiarly known as Thailand, but for centuries they’ve been serving up some of the most exotic cuisine on earth. Lightly prepared dishes and strong aromatic components reveal the subtle intricacies and delicate nuances that Thai food offers.

affect another cooked in the same pan, or wok. And don’t forget, you can always control the “heat” level in your dish. Be aware: with some dishes, the heat can creep up on you.

Since August, Thai E-San has been serving up generous portions of delicious meals in Central Phoenix. Housed in the newly redecorated and remodeled building where Big Wong was once located, the gifted and enthusiastic Chef Peter Benson, formerly of the well-known restaurant Siam in Glendale, prepares cuisine from his native village, Nalcorn Phanom in northeast Thailand, in the E-san region. Many of these dishes are traditional and date from 1794 and are influenced by cooking from Cambodia, Laos, and Vietnam. It doesn’t hurt that Peter’s parents were both chefs, too, passing their knowledge on.

A star appetizer is the Angel Wings. This secret recipe is a beauty, created out of boneless chicken wings and stuffed with seasoned ground pork, cellophane noodles, and vegetables. This speciality takes two days of preparation, and two are only $7.95. These are big!

Start off with the Tom-Yum Soup, more familiarly known as Lemongrass Soup, brewed with fresh Thai herbs, fresh, meaty mushrooms, thick stalks of lemongrass, slices of ginger and served with your choice of meat. Ours had big, succulent shrimp. Lots of them. You won’t find them scrimping here. This is all served in one of the famous flaming “pots.”

One of Thai E-san’s real strengths is the attention to detail behind the scenes. Benson visits the markets daily for the freshest ingredients, and not only that, each dish is prepared in its own pan, with its own spoon – the flavors, oils and spices of one dish never March 2010

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Eat your veggies! You can’t go wrong with #53 – Spicy Green Beans with prik-khing curry and Thai herbs. These beans are fresh, crisp and gently coated with a spicy curry paste, and served with your choice of chicken, beef, pork, roast duck, squid, shrimp, or combination of meat or seafood. Other stir fry vegetable combos are available, with prices ranging from $9.50-$12.95, depending on your meat choices. Vegetarian with tofu is an option, too, for our non-meat eating friends. You can’t miss with the Special Fried Rice with Pineapple - number 70 on the menu. This is light, delicate Thai Jasmine White Rice – it is not diluted with any “inferior” or lesser rice. This comes topped with shrimp, chicken and cashews. Accented with fresh basil, this is fresh, fruity, aromatic and delicious. If you’re a fish lover, don’t pass up #71, the Crispy Fish Chu-Chee. You’ll have a choice of catfish, pompano, or bass.

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This whopper is deep-fried and topped with chu-chee curry - a red curry paste, their beloved coconut milk and delicate Thai herbs. Our fish was tender, flaker, and infused with all the great tastes you associate with Thai cooking. One very large serving dish is $12.95-$14.95. You may not be able to spend one night in Bangkok, but you can spend an evening at Thai E-San. No passport needed and only a fraction of the price.

Thai E-San

602-297-8888 616 W. Indian School Rd., Phoenix, AZ www.ThaiESanArizona.com

GAY-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT GUIDE ADDRESS

TYPE

PHONE

AZ 88

7353 Scottsdale Mall

American

480.994.5576

FEZ

3815 N. Central Ave.

Moroccan Fusion 602-287-8700

Hanny’s

40 N. 1st Street

Contemporary

602-252-2285

Harley’s Bistro

4221 N. 7th Ave. - Phx

Italian

602-234-0333

Marcellino Ristorante 1301 E. Northern Ave - Phx

Auth Italian

602-216-0004

Mazie’s

4750 N. Central Ave. - Phx

Cafe/Bistro

602-274-2828

Mi Patio

3347 7th Ave at Osborn - Phx Mexican

Pink Spot

49 W. Thomas Road - Phx

Ice Cream/Coffee 602-265-3889

Switch

2603 N. Central Ave.

Cont. American

602-264-2295

Thai E-San

616 W. Indian School - Phx

Thai

602-297-8888

Ticoz

5114 N. 7th St - Phx

Caribbean Fusion 602-200-0160

602-277-4831

Z Pizza (Central Phx) 53 W. Thomas Rd. - Phx

Pizza/Subs

602-234-3289

Z Pizza (Downtown)

111 W. Monroe St

Pizza/Subs

602-254-4145

Z Pizza (North Phx)

1367 N.Tatum Blvd

Pizza/Subs

602-765-0511

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by Deon Brown

devoured Phoenix Culinary Classic

ne of the really great things about being on top of the food chain is getting to eat just about anything that gets in our way. As a species, Humankind has wolfed down the equivalent of entire forests, gobbled up ocean’s full of seafood, and snacked on just about everything with four legs that’s not a table or chair. That’s what makes us “gourmands.” Being omnivorous also makes us especially lucky, because we get to exercise our palates, tongues and tastebuds in gustatory calisthenics at events like the Devoured Culinary Classic happening at the Phoenix Art Museum. From March 13-14, Phoenix Foodies will get a chance to sample the culinary treats from about 70 of the best bistros, the cleverest cafés, and the rockin’est restaurants in town at the Devoured Culinary Classic. This event is the perfect grandstand and forum for the Valley’s restaurateurs, finest chefs, wineries and industry purveyors, local farmers and dairies to showcase their talents. These restaurants are eager to connect with the public and introduce them some perhaps for the first time, to something new.

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Ticket holders will visit the vendors booths, sampling each restaurant’s signature dishes. All restaurants may not be there both days. Several of the Valley’s shining chefs will be staging special demonstrations, too. There will also be films, seminars, and live music. ION is proud to announce that our advertisers, Switch, Ticoz Resto-Bar, FEZ, and Maizie’s Bistro and Café, are participating in this prestigious event. Other events include a Light Rail Lunch Crawl and two Dinner Crawls. Advance tickets can be purchased online at ProTix.com or call 1-866977-6849. Prices range from $65-$90 for both days (fees apply.) You can also purchase tickets in person at the Phonix Art Museum for $57 if you are a museum member. One-day tickets at the door will be $75. For updates and information, go to www. phoenixartmuseum.org/devoured. You’ll find the Phoenix Art Museum at 1625 E. Central Avenue at McDowell Road, right on the Metro Light Rail. Please, don’t get any food on the Monet.

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AGRA RODEO

Photos by Carlos Silvo

MAIZIE’S Rojo chili de la casa 10 lbs. hand cut ¾” chuck stew meat 1 gallon strong beef stock ¾ cup chopped garlic 7 cups diced yellow onions 4 cups red chili paste (Santa Cruz brand) 2 tbsp crushed red pepper 2 tbsp cayenne pepper 1 tbsp ground cumin

1 tbsp ground black pepper 1 ½ tbsp Salt 1 tbsp oregano leaves 2 tbsp honey 3 cups V-8 juice 12 oz. butter 12 oz. flour

In a large braiser, brown the meat with the garlic and onions. Add the stock. Add next nine ingredients and cook at a low boil until the beef is tender, (approx. one hour.) In the meantime, make a roux in a medium sauce pan melt the 12 oz. of butter, stir in the 12 oz. of flour and cook over a low heat for 15 min. (That’s your roux!) Once the meat is tender, take a wire whip and stir in the roux and mix well over low heat for another 20 minutes. We serve it atop a warm flour tortilla with shredded cheddar cheese and topped with two eggs, any style. Enjoy! 56

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Cactus Cities’ Chili Cook Off at Roscoe’s

reak out the Alka-Seltzer and Rolaids, kids! It’s time for the annual Cactus Cities Softball Chili & Salsa Cook Off at Roscoe’s! And this contest ain’t for pansies. Taste 30 varieties of the fabled Mexican stew. Some varieties are mild, but some are guaranteed to be be five-alarm

quality. The entry fee is only $30 for chili, $15 for salsa. But only one winner will walk away with the $150 Grand Prize. Each chef is required to submit one gallon of their best effort. Celebrity Judge CBS 5 Weather hottie Sean McLaughlin and others will lend their expert tongues and opinions – about the comidas, that is. Tasting starts bright and early at 10 a.m. on Saturday, March 13 and lasts all day ‘til the last bean is gone. There’ll be raffles, prizes, promos, and what says “Chili Cook-Off” better than a drag show? Roscoe’s co-owner, Bob Scimeca said, “As the best – and only – sports bar for the community, we’re excited to sponsor this fundraiser. It’s held outdoors, just in case the chili ‘repeats’ on you.” The Chili Bowl benefits those big, bulging jocks in the Cactus Cities Softball League. For more info ask EventCoordinator@CactusCity.com Can’t wait ‘til then? Our friend Maizie Miller from Maizie’s Bistro generously offered her own special recipe of chili that’ll tide you over ‘til the Chili Bowl. You can enjoy Maizie’s chili and lots of other delicious sandwiches, entrées and more at her cozy café at 4750 N. Central Ave. Phone: 602-274-2828. Thanks, Maizie! Roscoe’s is located at 4531 N. 7th St. Phoenix.

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Mini Rodeo

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“Jess scores a date”

s a y h e y @ h e y c l i n t . c o m | b y March j u s2010 t i n www.IONAZ.com gonzalez

ION Arizona Interviews

Jessica & Hunter WEBLEBRITIES

by Craig Rubin 60

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ike, oh my god! YouTube sensations and Hollywood Red Carpet munching fabulosities Jessica and Hunter are slowly but surely taking over popular culture – one bottle of vodka at a time with a tanning bed chaser. These acidtongued WeHo gadabouts and barflies sprang from the fertile imaginations of their real life creators, showbiz whizkids Beth Crosby and Jaret Gardiner about two years ago at The Groundlings Theatre Sunday Stage. ION managed to snag their alter egos in-between dumpster diving at Forever 21 and crashing a super-duper A-list wannabe Hollywood Hills party to answer the really hard hitting questions that everybody wants to know about. Amazebots 2052! ION: Have you ever thought of running for office on a joint ticket? What would your platform be? Which laws would you enact and which laws would you repeal? Hunter: What the fuck are you talking about? Jessica: I have nooooo idea what you’re even saying. I’m sarls, do you have the right people? We’re Jessica and Hunter um we’re not Palin and her baby, um, I’m confused. We don’t know what that means? Hunter: You mean, like, run for President? ION: Yeah! J: OOHHH! Oh my god, oh my god,

we would get like the fiercest, sickest fashion, I would totally get whoever is, like, next in line from the Queen to design my Presidential gown when I do my oath of office. H: And first thing I would do is make everyone in the military Gay, and they would have to tell everyone about it, and they would have to wear really fierce outfits. ION: What are your best qualities? H: Jessica’s best quality is that she pays for dinner every time we go out; she has a really fierce closet of clothes that she lets me borrow, and she can drink her weight in vodka. J: Hunter’s best qualities are he shares his unlimited subscription to Sunset Tan with me, so I can tan as much as I want with him, he gives lots of HJ’s to the doormen at all the clubs so we can get in to all the clubs wherever we go, and he’s fun to judge other people with. ION: There’s only one shot of vodka left in the world, who gets it and why? H: I get it! Okay, this is where the friendship line gets drawn. I’ll kill a bitch to have that because I’m basically held together with bronzer and vodka, so if I don’t get it, it’s game over. J: Well the doctor told me if I don’t get a shot of vodka every single day then I

Hunter & Jessica, Crazeballs Weblebrities

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go into a high diabetic shock, which is a very rare disease, but I have it. It’s kind of like diabetes. ION: If you were superheroes what would your superhero powers be?

J: OOOHHHH MY GOD. Who would Hunter not bang to get the cover of US Weekly? Okay? Listen, this is his dream come true! H: I totally tried Perez Hilton; that went no where ... Ummm, I would basically go down on a homeless woman if it meant I could be on the cover of US Weekly.

J: I think my super power would be that you can just drink and party as much as you want and never ever be hungover, because being hungover is not pretty. Hunter would know.

J: Oh my god! And I would video tape it, and sell it on VividVideo.com

H: My super power would be to be able to walk through red ropes so I can get into all the fierce parties with all the famous people. Some people want to walk through walls? Boring! I want to walk through red velvet ropes.

J: And I would get more plastic surgery then Heidi Frakenstein Montag ever did. In fact, that’s part of my master plan to become famous because I’m an aspiring actress, singer, dancer, whatever, and I’m in the process of getting multiple plastic surgeries and I’m going to shop it around to various magazines and hopefully sell it as a cover story, so we’ll see.

ION: Who would you be willing to bang for the cover of US Weekly? How low would you go?

H: That’s a great idea, write that down on something!

ION: Speaking of Perez Hilton, how do you feel about him? H: Basically we hate him, but we can’t let him know because we have to be on his website, like every time we see him we have to be like really, really nice then he walks away and were, like, “Fucking fat bitch!” J: Yeah, I mean he’s a literally a hack, but we would never say that to his face because its gross to be mean to someone’s face like that, but he’s a fucking loser who steals words cause he 62

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can’t come up with any of his own! H: But if we, like, saw him on the street and we were driving down the street in, like, my Mini Cooper I would totally throw my IPhone at his big, fat face. ION: What’s worse: being the LeAnn Rimes Fan Club President, or being the Shipping Manager at Best Buy? J: LeAnn Rimes is fat and plain, she’s Plain Jane USA. H: But did you see the boy she’s dating now and the boy she used to date? Like, hello! they’re both like so closeted and waiting to come out, and I’m just the man for the job. J: Whatever! They’re both horrible and terrible and disgustoid USA! ION: What scares Jessica and Hunter? J: Oh my god, getting old! P.S. we’re not getting old! We’re killing ourselves in a joint suicide pact before we turn 30, ‘cause 30 you might as well be, like, 100 if you’re 30. So we’re living hard, we’re playing hard, and then we’re going out fabulously in big ball of suicide. It’s kind of dark, I know.

J: Oh my god, that’s totals horrible! I was thinking we would go, like, softer. Like we would rent like a newest edition Lamborghini and go in one of my dad’s many garages and just park it with, like, lots of fabulous bottles of like Ciroc Vodka, and just, like, surround ourselves with amazing furs, like, Anna Wintour can lend us some of her furs, and just drink and just turn on the gas, and just pass out; just go to sleep together. H: I think it would be funny to like put a bullet in my head right in front of Old Navy, because then it would have that horrible stigma, and maybe people would stop wearing Old Navy, like, brains splattered all over the window. J: That’s a really, really dark version of Hunter. H: Thank you I’m really dark! I just went tanning. ION: Which is worse, getting a DUI or getting kicked out of Fashion Week? Both: Getting kicked out of Fashion Weeeeeeek!

H: No, but they’re totally gonna write about it in the magazines and we’re gonna be famous!

J: Oh my god, hellooo! Getting a DUI is actually amazebots 3022, it’s a total career move, I’m sarls. Like, what you do is you get headshots, go on auditions, you have your first sex tape, and then you get your first DUI honey, and you’re on the map in Hollywood!

J: It will be like Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Jessica & Hunter, you know, famous celebrities that died in like a suicidal way.

ION: Have you ever thought of a marriage of convenience and fierceness?

ION: How are you gonna do it?

J: Oh my god, I’m almost throwing up, oh my god I’m puking.

H: I told Jessica that when I get my first wrinkle like at the corner of my eye that we’re gonna go out to the Valley somewhere and we’re gonna go find like a janky, ghetto gun and just put one right between my eyes.

H: My penis just crawled up into my body cavity, that’s disgusting. J: My vagina is like sewed up and closed for biz for the next 20 years after that statement! Disgustoid! Never! March 2010

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ION: Which celebrity deserves a good bitch slapping? J: Obviously Chloe Sevigny. I’m, like, totally pissed at her because she totals puked in my Balenciaga bag the other night when we were at Rage and fucking ruined it, my $3,000 purse, so I’d like to bitch slap that fashionista. What about you Hunter? You got into a fight with Mario Lopez at The Abbey ... H: Yeah, ‘cause I called him hot and tall. I would like to slap him, but on his ass. Who would I slap on the face? I wanna slap that stupid Billy Bush on Exra, because he’s cute but he’s, like, so dumb. He’s like what I like to call a schlongoloid, like, I’m sure he’s really hot, but super stupid. ION: Speaking of hot and stupid: which is better, Britney shaving her head or Lindsay going to rehab? J: Oh my god! They were both genius moves! We applaud them because those bitches know what’s up, they know how to get famous, they know how to be celebrities, okay, in the classiest sense of the word. I felt proud to live in Hollywood. We’re all about the crazy, insane, like, fucked up celebrity, and bravo to them! Bravo! H: I love Lindsay Lohan with the really 64

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bad like orange tan, like, melting all over her face cause she’s, like, totally sewn together with vodka. And then Britney’s running around like a half naked crazy person with a half shaved head, that’s genius! J: Total genius! I fully shaved my head after that incident as, like, an homage to Britney and her brilliance. It grew back. My hair grew back. ION: Changing gears, what is your favorite venereal disease? J: Oooooh! There’s a lot! I mean, there’s a lot and they’re fun to, like, get over them, cause once you’ve had them you know, the odds of them coming back are, like, slim to none, so it’s good to like get them out of the way. I had a real nice wild ride with HPV, that was a funny, a fun one. They have those really cutesy commercials on about it, about the shot for it, so that’s like a really fun one! H: I personally like chlamydia because I had it twice, but the medicine is, like, so awesome, it’s like crazy anti-body-ic? I don’t know, what do you call them? But they make you not want to eat, you get really skinny, so I love that. ION: How many calories do you think Rachel Zoe eats a day? How long until she dies? J: Oh my god, you know, wow! That’s funny, ‘cause I actually talked to her nutritionist the other day, because I’m trying to get Rachel Zoe-thin, and I’m

close, right Hunter? I’m close! I like passed out five times today, so I’m close. H: And you’re looking good! J: Thank you! Actually I found out what she eats, she eats 180 calories a day, and how long do I think until she dies? Well she did die, technically, like last week. H: I mean she dies on like a frequent basis, but, like, an actual “bye-sies,” no more of that amazing show she’s on? I dunno, maybe one more season? I dunno, unless she gets another cup of coffee in her body, its like really... ION: Are you friends with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? H: Umm, you could say that... I mean... We’ve like, been at their party. J: Like, we weren’t invited to their party, we weren’t though friends of friends ... of friends. H: You know, like, giving off HJ’s at the door, like, you can get into the club where they are, and then you just kind of hang around with them. I dunno, like Jessica fortunately always has a matching bag or shoes so it gives us a lot to talk about when we see them.

H: Oh my god, could you imagine my tan in 3-D? J: Oh my god! My extensions could like whip you in the face! You could like reach out and give HJ’s to the whole audience. I love that! It could be called like Avatard. Avatarted! I lurve it, oh my god! I have a sex tape coming out very shortly that Hunter actually is managing, and we definitely have some more videos coming out, like, ASAP. ION: I just have one last question: why does it smell like sperm behind the dumpster at Trader Joe’s on Santa Monica Boulevard? H: Because Jessica’s panties fell off there. J: Because Hunter puked in it last night, okay? That’s why, griz. You disgustoid! Ewww! ION: Alright then! That’s all I’ve got for you. Thank you! J: Awww! Thank you! you’re such a cute reporter worker, awww, we love you reporter worker! Stumble headfirst into the vodka-soaked, twisted Tinseltown world of weblebrities Jessica and Hunter on YouTube, or visit them at www.JessicaandHunter.com for realzies!

J: Yeah, they would know who we are ... ummm ... I think. They would know who we are if they saw us. Yeah. So you could say we’re close. H: Yeah. Like the last time we were talking with them, Heidi looked looked us up and down, because I’m sure she was admiring our outfits, and then she said, “Get the fuck out of here!” and we totally laughed, it was hilarious! ION: Do you have plans to release a feature length film in IMAX 3-D?

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opular barmaids and ginslingers from your favorite bars and nightclubs across town competed for the title of “The Sexiest Bartender” staged by SWAY Events for the popular contest sponsored by Three Olives Vodka as part of Apollo’s “Bar with Benefits Weekend.” This included the outrageous Turnabout Show and a raffle – all benefiting Camp Incredible, a summer camp for

families affected by HIV/AIDS, funded by Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS. The boys and girls pulled all the stops out. Forbidden’s adorable Dusty Brinsmade, a crowd favorite, danced his way into the audience’s heart with “Time After Time” à la Romy & Michelle. The sexy Emilio from Velocity brought everyone to their feet with March 2010

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a rousing rendition of “YMCA” done Village People style. This magic weekend raised over $20,000 thanks to the love, hard work and generosity of everyone who participated and contributed. Thanks to all the other sexy bartenders who competed, including Jeremy from BS West (the 2nd Place Winner who raised $3,068),

Rufeio from Babylon, Brian from Bunkhouse, Dallan from Charlie’s, Tyler from Cherry Bar, Tim from Plazma, and Al from The Rock. Sponsors who helped make this happen are ION, Echo, N’Touch, Sunburst Inn, Young’s Market, Boom Boom Larue’s, OffChute II, Red Bull, Beck’s Beverage, and Edge Studios. March 2010

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SEXIEST BARTENDER

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Photos by Carlos Silvo & Deon Brown

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Photos by Jerry Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Conner | Art Direction by Joey Sarandos & Kevin Bushaw | Makeup by Anton Khachaturian Production Assistance from Tim Williams | Special Thanks to Open Wide Dental & SWAY l Art by Geoffrey Paris Retouching & Finishing services available geoffreyparis@rocketmail.com www.modelmayhem.com/geoffreyparisps

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Vol. 3, Issue 12

MARCH 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Serial Killer Whale Vows, “I’ll Kill Again and Again!” ORLANDO – Famed theme park, SeaWorld, where Tilikum, the 12,000 pound Orcinus orca, commonly known as a “killer whale,” entertained crowds of families for years in carefully orchestrated feats of aquatic acrobatics murdered trainer Dawn Brancheau, 40, in cold blood in front of a live audience on a sunny afternoon February 24.

OUTRAGEOUS!

Prosecuting attorneys claim, “This was an act of premeditated murder. Clearly he was planning this for weeks. He has a history of killing with a rap sheet dating back to 1991. This fish has bloodstains on his fins. He’s guilty as sin!”

SeaWorld officials claim that the incident was isolated, and Tilikum thought Brancheau was a sardine. “But I’ll tell you one thing,” said park marketing officials, “This is really gonna kill the ‘Dining With Shamoo’ experience.”

OUTRAGEOUS!

This wasn’t a first for the bloodthirsty whale. Tilikum, which means “friend” in Chinook, has killed before and Southwest Airlines, the official airline of ANY RESEMBLANCE TOhe’s THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL nobody’s friend. He revealed to an SeaWorld and paints planes to resemble a anonymous source, “I’ve killed twice Killer Whale is considering ending their before, and I loved it. I loved it, I say! association. Instead, they’ll partner with And I’ll kill again! And again and again! Disney, painting their planes to look like the I’ll kill ‘em all! Every single stinkin’ one endearing, harmless clownfish, “Nemo.” of ‘em!” he snarled with blood cascading “It was an easy decision,” reports one down his once pristine white chin as he shook his fin menacingly at an angry official. “You might say it was like shooting fish in a barrel.” crowd.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL www.IONAZ.com

March 2010

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! Al Gore Unveils New Social Networking Site

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

CUPERTINO, Calif. – MySpace? So last year. Facebook? Too much drama. Twitter? Yawn. Al Gore, inventor of ANY RESEMBLANCE the internet, brought together the most brilliant minds in Silicon Valley to create the newest social/networking website: MyFaceSpotJournalChirper. com.

chirps that broadcast when you’re doing something really interesting, like eating a chicken salad sandwich.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “MyFace-

SpotJournalChirper. com will take the internet by storm,” said one programmer in Research and Development. “Everyone will join MyFaceSpotJournalChirper. “The information com and amass superhighway is a huge following now the autobahn,” and be enormously Gore explained. popular. MyFace“You can’t just park SpotJournalChirper. on the shoulder com will keep with your ticker on, redesigning the waiting to merge. format, confusing You’ve got to put the pedal to the metal members, and rumors of making MyFaceand floor it. With no carbon footprint, SpotJournalChirper.com pay site will ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYa ACCIDENTAL of course. And that’s why I’ve invented enrage everyone, and membership will drop MyFaceSpotJournalChirper.com. off when MyFaceSpotJournalChirper.com MyFaceSpotJournalChirper combines addicts will denounce it. That’s what makes everything from MySpace, Facebook, MyFaceSpotJournalChirper.com perfect for and Twitter all in one. Friends, Likes, the internet.” Dislikes, Music, hard to read graphics, neon wallpapers, Fans, Snowball fights, Gore said, “But MyFaceSpotJournalChirper. Mafia Wars, Farms, Aquariums, High com will not have porn. Tipper won’t let School Yearbooks, Family Trees, Resumes, me.” Photo Tag, and of course, 140 character

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL March 2010 www.IONAZ.com 81

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

OUTRAGEOUS! New Discovery : Dusty Constantine the Great

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

ROME – have only to look Vatican officials at the existing and genealogy head of the research experts colossal statue of astonished the Constantine in world when they Rome’s Capitoline announced that Museums and ANY Roman RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL famed the resemblance conqueror and is uncanny. The emperor, Caesar proud brow, the Flavius Valerius noble Roman Aurelius nose, the strong, Constantinus handsome jawline, Augustus, more the delicate, familiarly known aristocratic as Constantine cheekbones, the the Great, is defiant cleft in his the ancestor chin, those ‘come Dusty Brinsmade & The Emperor Constantine of Forbidden’s hither’ eyes, the popular and beloved sexiest bartender, soft, supple, pouting, oh-so-kissable lips ... Dusty Brinsmade, 27, hailing from we’re positive that they are kin.” Rochester, Michigan. Constantine, who empowered Christianity across the Brinsmade, an accomplished figure skater Roman Empire in the Fourth Century in his own right, was astonished to learn A.D. established Constantinople as the of his royal heritage. Ancient Roman capital – not Istanbul, but Constantinople, scholars’ research confirmed, “In addition now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople – in to poisoning his own son and boiling his ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL Byzantium. wife to death at his mother’s, St. Helena’s request, Constantine could execute a quad Genealogists, DNA biochemists and lots followed by a triple-toe loop and a half axel of other really, really smart people agree, and a one foot salchow and still wage a holy “Yep. Constantine the Great was Dusty’s war. That’s obviously where Dusty got his great-x-196 grandfather. It took a lot of talent on the ice. But Dusty’s hot, gay dance math to figure that out.” moves are totally his own.”

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS! Art Historians have long suspected Dusty’s venerable Roman heritage. “We’re positive,” said Prof. Panto Crator. “You

“Wow! Constantine the Great? Gosh, that’s really – well – great!” Dusty said. “Does an Empire come with this?”

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL March 2010 www.IONAZ.com 83

First Date Faux Pas First dates are stressful, and no one wants a checklist of do’s and don’ts in their head while trying to make a good impression. Approach the first date with ease, and try to relax. While any creative or thoughtful first date might go a long way to winning that someone’s heart, the wrong move can just as easily create a bad impression. When planning that memorable first outing, avoid a few classic mistakes and increase your chances for a second date. NEVER ASSUME ONE OF YOU IS PAYING. The one who does the asking, should do the paying is an assumption that won’t lead to a second date. Be prepared for at least going Dutch and splitting the bill. If your date pays the bill, you can offer to pay next time – a great way to suggest getting together again. And never pay the bill expecting that your date will take care of it next time. NEVER SUGGEST MEETING FRIENDS OR FAMILY. Accidentally running into friends or family during a first date is a great way to ensure there won’t be a second. Your date will know you’ve set them up, no matter how clever you think you are. Having your date meet your closest confidants only worked at your Senior Prom. Don’t pressure them into knowing everything about you so quickly. You’ll get there in due time. Once the family’s involved, you’ll never hear the end of it, if the date doesn’t work out. 84

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

NEVER SURPRISE SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW. It’s best to know a little about your date’s likes and dislikes before you plan a first date. Fish eggs aren’t for everyone. Don’t plan to wine and dine with caviar and champagne if you haven’t asked first. A kayaking trip with a non-swimmer, a mountain hike with someone who’s afraid of heights,

or a foreign film with a date who likes action movies, can all spell disaster. NEVER TALK JUST TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING. First dates are filled with awkward pauses and silent moments. There is nothing worse than someone who talks incessantly. Unless something really interesting happened at work, don’t talk about your job. And no one wants to hear about your problems on a first date. Keep it positive and try to be a good listener too. If you’re getting yawns from across the table, it’s best to change the subject. TELL THE TRUTH, EVEN IF IT HURTS. There will be a lot of questions and answers on your first date. Tell the truth, no matter what the question is. If you’re honest, you’ll show that you’re serious about wanting a relationship. If you lie, you’ll eventually get caught, and have a lot of explaining to do.

head to a bar or find a quickie online. If you want something more, lines like “Do you want to come up to my place?” when the first date is ending, probably won’t land you a second date. Post your online or voicemail profile for FREE on Megamates and Gaymates. Our phone dating line and online dating website offer singles a fun, interactive place to call, chat, and connect. It’s free to setup and maintain a mailbox or online account, free to record a public message and free to browse other caller’s profiles and messages. Call 1-888-MEGAMATES, use FREE code 7286 or visit us online at www. megamates.com

AND NEVER LIE ABOUT... According to Men’s Health Magazine, 37-percent of American men lie about the size of their manhood. Should your relationship progress to an intimate place, it won’t be difficult to figure out where your shortcomings are. TRY NOT TO SNEAK SEX INTO THE CONVERSATION. If you’re both feeling it, odds are the sex will happen when it’s meant to. Sneaking hints and sexual inuendo into “getting to know you” banter isn’t sexy - it’s desperate. If you’re looking for a hook up, March 2010

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Rodeo kick-off party

COMING SOON

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

NEWS & VIEWS

March 2010

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www.IONAZ.com March 2010

IONPHOENIX 1. 1.

Amsterdam Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown Phoenix

(602) 258-6122

2. 2.

Apollo’s Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

3. 3.

Bar 1 Babylon Showclub

3708 E N.Van 16th St. - Phoenix 3613 Buren, Phoenix, AZ‎

(602) 306-1000‎ 266-9001 (602)

4. 4.

BSBar West 1

7125 N. E. 16th 5th Ave. Scottsdale 3702 St. --Phoenix

(480) 945-9028 (602) 266-9001

5. 5.

Bunkhouse BS West

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix 7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(602) 200-9154 (480) 945-9028

6. 6.

Cash Inn Bunkhouse

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943 (602) 200-9154

7. 7. 8. 8. 9. 9. 10. 10.

Charlie’s Cash Inn Cherry Bar Charlie’s Cherry Lounge Cherry Bar The Chute Men’s Club Cruisin’ 7th Clarendon Hotel Dick’s Cabaret Club Vibe

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 265-0224 2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix (602) 244-9943 1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729 727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix (602) 265-0224 Every Thursday starting January 11th - Mill Ave. in Tempe 1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729 1440 E Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 234-1654 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix (602) 212-9888 401 W. Clarendon Ave. - Phoenix (602) CLARENDON 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix (602) 274-DICK 3031 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 224-9977 1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix 3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011 (602) 212-9888

13. 13.

Flex Private Men’s Club Cruisin’ 7th Forbidden Dick’s Cabaret

6820 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale 3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

forbiddenaz.com (602) 274-DICK

14. 14.

Harley’s The Door Bistro

1126 N. Scottsdale Rd. - Tempe

(480) 967-DOOR

15. 15.

icepics videobar Forbidden

3108 Rd. - Phoenix 6820 E. E. McDowell 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(602) 267-8707 forbiddenaz.com

16. 16.

Incognito Homme

2424 E. Camelback Thomas Rd.Rd. - Phoenix 138 W. - Phoenix

(602) 955-9805 266-0875

17. 17.

Karamba icepics videobar

1724 3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231 267-8707

18. 18.

Incognito Kobalt

2424 N. E. Central ThomasAve. Rd. -- Phoenix Phoenix 3110

(602) 955-9805 264-5307

19. 19.

Karamba Nu Towne

1724 E E.Van McDowell Rd.Phoenix, - Phoenix 5002 Buren St, AZ‎

(602) 254-0231 (602) 267-9959

20. 20.

Kobalt OZ

3110 W. N. Central - Phoenix 1804 BethanyAve. Home Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 242-5114 264-5307 (602)

21. 21.

OZ Paradise Adult Boutique

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix 130 W. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 242-5114 (602) 266-5869

22. 22.

Plazma Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix 1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477 (602) 266-0477

23. 23.

Pumphouse II Pumphouse II

4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix 4132 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 275-3509 (602) 275-3509

24. 25. 24. 26. 25. 27. 26. 28.

Retro Bar Radisson Phoenix City Center The Rock Rainbow Cactus Roscoe’s The Rock Rainbow Cactus Roscoe’s Velocity

3114 E. Cactus Rd. - Phoenix 3600 N. 2nd Ave. - Phoenix 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix 15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix 15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix 4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix 2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 493-0355 (602) 604-4900 (602) 248-8559 (602) 867-2463 (602) 285-0833 (602) 248-8559 (602) 867-2463 (602) 285-0833 (602) 956-2885

27. 29.

Velocity Wild Card

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix 801 N. Arizona Ave. - Chandler

(602) 956-2885 (480) 857-3088

28. 30.

Z Girl Club Z Girl Club

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix 4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 265-3233 (602) 265-3233

11. 11. 12. 12.

March 2010 www.IONAZ.com 89

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

Amsterdam

Amsterdam’s Signature Night Happy Hour 4-7pm

Dance - No Cover! $3 Smirnoff cocktails until Mid.

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks *KARAOKE*

Apollo’s*

Comedy Clips 6pm Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Karaoke 9pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts 2-8p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Babylon

Friday 10pm - 2am Pandemonium with Pandora

Saturday Neveahest Dance party and contests

Sunday Sexy Salsa lessons with Sal Monella!

BS West*

FUBAR with Elements 9:45p $5 you call it drink & $3 beers

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go dancers - A new tradition

Karaoke 9pm $1 Miller Lite drafts

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cruisn’ 7th

Fridays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Saturday $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Sundays $2.50 well & domestic 2-7pm

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

EZ Happy Hour 4-6:30pm 2-4-1 well, draft, beer & marg.

Uncorked Sundays 50% off bottles of wine

Forbidden

Fresh Fridays Red Cup Party w/ refills all night

The Barbra Seville Show DJ Dancing

Sports Beer Bust Food specials Happy Hour

icepics

MEAT - Go Go Boys/Strippers $3 Wells, $4 Lng Isl., $2 Dom.

The Follies 10pm Great SKYY Drink Specials

Legendary Show Tunes Sunday $3 Wells/ $1.50 Drafts

The Leathermen

Velocity 10:30p - 1:30a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

Velocity 9:00p - 11:00p

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Karamba

Fridays $4 Pitchers

Saturdays $4 Pitchers

Sundays with Galilea $3 pitchers

Pumphouse II

Bottoms Up Fridays 2-4-1 all drinks

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Sundays Happy Hour All Day!

The Rock

Karaoke @ 10 Poker @ 7 $5 Martinis 7pm-midnight

Diamond Dolls Mya McKenzie $4 Bomber/$3.50 3 Olive Drinks

Rock your Funday Sunday Tea dance, DJ, specials, food

All Star Grill Specials Great Happy Hour

All Star Grill Opens at 11am

$8 Sunday Brunch $8 Long Island Pitchers

R Switch

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays Open from 11am-Midnight

R Ticoz

Fridays Open from 11am-Midnight

Saturday $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Sundays $1 brunch drinks Open from 11am-Midnight

Fridays Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Saturday Events TBA Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Sundays Beer Bust 16oz. Bud & Bud Light Draft

Live Soul/Motown Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Show’s at 10pm Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Tucson’s All Day Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

R FEZ

R Roscoe’s* NEW! Sky Lounge

Velocity

TUCSON R Woody’s R 90

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martinis & Manicures $5 Martinis

Arts, Industry & ION VIP Night 1/2 price drinks

College Night 1/2 price drinks with student ID

Divas Live! $3 Diva Shots during the show

All Day All Night 2 for 1 U Call-It Open-Close

‘Tini Tuesdays 2-4-1 Call Martinis Open-Close

Glee Reruns $4 u-call-it

Karaoke 9pm Happy Hour 8-8 $2.75 well/dom

Monday Martini Madness w/ the Babylon Boys!

Tuesday 8pm - 2am $5 U-Call-It

Wednesday 8pm - 2am 2-4-1

Thursday 8pm - 2am NEVAEH’s Drag Show

W.H.O.R.E. Service Industry $2 dom $3 well $4 bombers

Community Benefit/Fundraiser Book you event @ bswest.com

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Karaoke 9pm $2 drafts

Underwear Party 8-cl 1/2 price 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-2 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Pinnacle

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

Mondays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Tuesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Wednesdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

Thursdays 2-4-1 Well 7pm-9pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

S.I.N. Bring Your Dancer ID and get VIP Pricing

Hot Studs All Night Long $5.00 Off with VIP Keychain

M3 Mondays 2-4-1 signature margaritas

Svedka Tuesdays $5 Svedka Tuesdays

Late Night EZ Hour 10-mid 2-4-1 well, draft, bottle & marg.

Late Night EZ Hour 2-4-1 well, draft, bottle & marg.

Closed Mondays Open Tuesday-Sunday 4p-2a

Happy Hour 3-7pm Karaoke w/ Brad 9pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm Showroom Trivia 7pm

Inferno Party 18+ Hotspot

Comedy Night 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a)

Mustache Ride First Tuesday 2-4-1 well / beer

Karaoke $4 martinis & Lng Isl. $3 Well/$2 Domestic Bottle

HOT ASS Best ass wins $100 2-4-1 well / beer (8p-2a) Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

Charlie’s 10:00p- 1:00a $3 Bistro Burgers $10.00 off of all Bottled Wines

Tuesday Night Fish & Chips Wednesday BBQ Short Ribs Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm Selected Beers $3 Starts @ 5pm

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Closed

Tejano Tuesdays $2 Drinks All Night

Wednesdays with Diamond $2 Drinks All Night

Thursdays with Susanna $2 drinks all night

Mondays 2-4-1 7-close

Tuesdays Dart tournament

Wednesdays 2-4-1 well & domestic

Hot Bodz Male Revue Hosted by Savannah

Lady’s Night Free pool $1 Miller Lite Drft, $4.50 Bomb.

Guys Night Out Happy hour all day long

Industry Night $2 Well & Domestic $3 Bombs

Poker Night $3.50 Long Islands $1 Off Draft Pitchers

Monday Pool Tournament

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Boi Toi Every Thursday www.boitoient.com Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Thursdays Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays Open from 11am-Midnight

Tuesdays 11am-Midnight

Wednesdays 11am-Midnight

Thursdays 11am-Midnight

Mondays Underwear Night 8-2a Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Tuesdays $1 Bud Beer Bust 8-2 Wednesdays 2-4-1 8pm-2am Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm Outrageous Happy Hour 1-8pm

Thurs Weekend Leather Launch $2.50 Domestic 8pm-2am

Karaoke Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Carribean Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Thursdays Happy Hour 11am-8pm

Wet & Wild Party Happy Hour 11am-8pm

ION ARIZONA

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

IONTUCSON

CLUBS, RESTAURANTS, AND NIGHTLIFE

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Ain’t Nobody’s Biz Colors Howl at the Moon IBT’s Miguel’s Mexican Restaurant Venture-N Woody’s Yard Dog

2900 E. Broadway 5305 E. Speedway 915 W. Prince Rd. 616 N. 4th Ave. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 1239 N. 6th Ave. 3710 N. Oracle Rd. 2449 N. Stone

(520) 318-4838 (520) 323-1840 (520) 293-7339 (520) 882-3053 (520) 887-3777 (520) 882-8224 (520) 292-6702 (520) 624-3858

445 S. Alvernon Way 5335 E. Broadway Blvd. 5900 N. Oracle Rd. 204 S. Scott Ave. 3800 E. Sunrise Dr.

(520) 881-4200 (520) 745-2700 (520) 887-4800 (877) 670-9022 (520) 742-6000

ACCOMODATIONS & LODGING 1 2 3 4 5

Doubletree Hotel at Reid Park Embassy Suites La Posada Lodge and Casitas Royal Elizabeth B&B The Westin La Paloma

March 2010

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www.IONAZ.com March 2010

March 2010

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by Addison DeWitt

Shore and beggorrah. Seems that Saint Paddy’s Day is upon us once again. And I want all you little Irishmen to be extra careful when you celebrate with a wee nip here and there. The curse of drink is that it makes you quarrel with your neighbors and shoot at your friends. And miss. Our little buckaroos traveled far and wide by stagecoach, buckboard, buggy and bobtail nag to enjoy the fabulous AGRA RoadRunner Regional Rodeo at Rawhide! I saw more than a few handsome stallions I wouldn’t mind getting bucked by. Er, excuse me. That was inappropriate. I meant to say, “By whom I would not mind getting bucked.” There. Get outta the saddle and sit on a happy face! The growing popularity of icepics videobar’s Mustache Ride has hirsute and hairless alike sporting a crumbcatcher for the party. My ever-lovin’ pals Truett Fuentes, Chris Breeden and “Bad Andy” (pictured above) always join in the follicular frolic with a fanny duster on their upper lips. Put on a real of phony nose neighbor and come on down! Jim McCleary, our beloved ex-pat we lost to the bright lights and debauchery, returned for a birthday Victory Come-Back Tour. Jim and his dishy boyfriend Andrew MacArthur celebrated with a drive-bydrinking appearance at FEZ with legions of their adoring fans, including the smashing David Smith, artist Thomas Carlisle and the scrummy Jason Brewster. And you can’t even imagine how delighted I was to see that luscious pearl of a man Tom Awai and his darling boyfriend Khan Nguyen. Really, you can’t. 96

www.IONAZ.com March 2010

La crème de la crème attended Apollo’s Sexiest Bartender Contest where they stood cheek-to-jowl, which was convenient and lucky because it was a little nippley that night. “Fun” Bobby Hess hobnobbed with the incradorable (incredible/adorable) Stacey Jay Cavaliere. I felt well-guarded against snipers and angry readers with Officers Tambra Williams and Sanchez there available to shoot me before anybody else had a chance. Stand in line, kiddos. There are plenty out there who’d love to. Pumphouse II’s very own bartender “Ranger” Dale Childress cheered on the contestants along with my darling Matt Little, Jason Carlton and the Sudden-Tantastic Clayton McKee. Hey, Clayton! Quit bogarting all the UVAs from us paleskins! I flirted with Kevin Griffin because he was so tipsy he couldn’t fight me off and my heart skipped a beat for the movie-star gorgeous John Houghton. I can’t handle that kind of temptation, John. But everybody knows I’m really holding out for Ryan Freeman. Really, I am. I adore him and he knows it. And this from our “I Can’t Believe It Took This Long” file. Our Party Penguin of the Month is that born-to-be-wild child, it couldn’t be anybody else but Mikey Rodarte! Part man, part party animal, and part I-Don’t-KnowWhat and all wonderful. I’ve heard stories about him that make weak men faint, and strong men gasp. That’s Mikey! You gotta love him! Congratulations, darling! Tell Addison that you love him. He’s emotionally fragile and needs a little TLC. Even if you have to lie. Send your best thoughts and wishes to him at RumorHound@aol.com

March 2010 www.IONAZ.com 97

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

in on your newfound fabulousness! But be judicious how much you share. There are still ten more months to go this year.

Oh no you didn’t! You leave everybody speechless with your hutzpah and cojones in sticky situations. If it’s your birthday you need to keep your eye on the prize this year. You’ll be pleasantly surprised what Fate has in store for you.

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Bitch, bitch, bitch. That’s all you seem to hear these days. But pause and you’ll hear the sweet silver song of a lark above all the racket. Or you may just keep hearing all the bitching. This is your big chance to rise above it all. You can do it!

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You’ve been accused of lying, cheating, indecent exposure and stealing schoolkids’ lunch money. It’s natural. You’re a Gemini, after all. This month show everybody how kind, creative, generous and sweet you are. They’ll pay for your dinner and you won’t have to steal anymore.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

With all that talent you could be a musician, or an opera singer, or a famous actor. Or a stripper. This month it’s up to you to take every opportunity presented to you and make the most of it. Or go ahead. Be a stripper. It’s up to you.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Behave, you rascal! The sap is running high and you’ve only got one thing on your mind. But keep your hands to yourself, keep it in your pants and keep your legs crossed. Or you may get more than you bargained for. Relax; you can go crazy next month.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

All your hard work pays off for you this month. It’s like you hit the jackpot in career, love and money. Everybody wants to cash 98

www.IONAZ.com

March 2010

Hush your mouth! Remember that loose lips sink ships. Friends and foes alike hang on your every word. You’ve got plenty to say this month. So you better make sure it’s all sugar coated, sweetie. It’ll be to your advantage.

I talked to a Leo and an Aquarian, and they don’t want anymore crap from you. Neither do all of the Capricorns. Practice smiling more and plucking your eyebrows evenly. In the long run it’ll pay off. Then you can get back to your old tricks again.

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

I can’t find anything in the stars that will help you this month. You seem to lead a charmed life. You’re witty, good looking, smart, and cats and dogs all seem to love you. Share your secret with the Universe this month and give everybody else some pointers.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Every time you learn something new it seems like everybody benefits. Except for the time you learned how to shoot a bb gun. Not so good. But this month you bring extra special gifts to the table. You’ll see.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Sometimes you’re a genius, then other times, it’s like you’ve gone off the deep end. Which is it this month? Are you Einstein or King George III? Try being creative with long division and lipstick this month. It’ll make you feel better. Geminis love a kook.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Bite someone. March in a parade. Say something inappropriate at the table. Create a commotion. You do, anyway. Ethical actions and solutions never seem to bother you, do they? If it’s your birthday, get that piercing you always wanted. No tattoos.

March 2010 www.IONAZ.com 99