J.N. Burnett's Literary Magazine Club // Volume 6, Issue 1 : IDENTITY

identity november 2021 ft. works from the jn burnett student body

6-1

editor's note The dictionary definition of “identity” is: “the fact of being who or what a person or thing is”. However, this simple definition doesn’t explain the complexity of this word in each of us. It’s something that takes many shapes, forms and colours. It’s something seen in the way we look, think, speak and move. Something that can’t be told in a few words, but rather described through detailed stories. Something that’s certain and then uncertain, appearing and disappearing. Something constantly changing as we grow up.

Identity defines who we are and what makes each of us unique.

Who am I? What is my purpose?

Where do I fit in this world?

These questions constantly pop up in our lives and we spend so much time looking for exactly what it is, fearing that we’ll never find the answers. Is it standing right in front of our noses, obvious to everybody but us? Or is it hidden in the deep crevices, waiting to be found?

IDENTITY looks for the meaning of this vague concept. It wonders, reflects, searches and explores. We hope JNB Lit’s first issue of the 2021-2022 school year gives you a glimpse of a journey of self-discovery and inspires you to find yours as we strive to know who we are.

What does identity mean to you?

Madie Lee & Samantha Cham JNB Literary Magazine's co-editors-in-chief 11/26/2021

table of contents on the cover 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 12 13 14 16 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34

INSIDE // samantha chow editor's note contents the team jam packed // songs to identify with error (not found) // cadence lung who are we truly // yolanda wei INSIDE // samantha chow shatter // anonymous de-grade-ing // destiny lang i'm a gemini // lisa zhang perspective // jessie lan the chaotic wanderings of my mind // amanda kwok JNB lookbook // eliana barbosa be yourself // stephanie hong empty // delfia tingala puzzle // ethan chin paint // anonymous unknown // josh domino i·den·ti·ty // zoë lo self // yining xie lilac // colin lim persona // caroline zhang ONE // madie lee i am... // gurwas dhaliwal & thomas graham self identity // gurwas dhaliwal pursue // yuyu liu growth // bilal gardizi finding yourself // samaya grewal thank you

the team executives creative + visual director eliana barbosa

editors-in-chief madie lee samantha cham

graphic designers tiffany li anika ng cadence lung yuyu liu

secretary adrianne namuco

social media + marketing managers tayla barbosa jessie lan

treasurer alyssa wong

contributors writers:

yolanda wei, destiny lang, amanda kwok, zoë lo, colin lim, madie lee, gurwas dhaliwal, bilal gardizi

photographers:

artists:

jessie lan, eliana barbosa, josh domino, yining xie, gurwas dhaliwal & thomas graham

cadence lung, samantha chow, lisa zhang, stephanie hong, delfia tingala, ethan chin, caroline zhang yuyu liu, samaya grewal

jam packed: a playlist

songs to identify with betterman confidently lost perfect to me garden shed what once was WANNABE golden astroboy no faker by myself levanter who says ghosting STEREOTYPE softly spoken hurts me too don't bring me down

virginia to vegas sabrina claudio anne marie tyler the creator her's ITZY harry styles suggi mxmtoon christian french stray kids selena gomez TXT STAYC phum viphurit faye webster PREP

spotify search "spotify:user:jnblitmagazine" to listen to the playlist!

error (not found)

cadence lung

6

who are we truly Icebergs float and sink, disappear, water and vapour, where has it gone?

Despite we call it water, it rises as a cloud within me

Everywhere you appear, you are dressed in differently than me though

Never in a moment, you are not me,

They have blue eyes, I have black hair, you have translucent beauty beyond this world,

Instead, I call myself a human being; you fly endlessly as mist

Till we meet, we know we are one

You and me, there is no identity, With identity, we divide, conflict, bring boundaries, Without identity, we are peace, love, unity

You are not Chinese, Russian, Swedish You are the one within everyone

yolanda wei

7

i d iddeeinsid e INSIDE

sid

e

samantha chow

8

sh

atr h sshatter er er

anonymous

9

de-grade-ing destiny lang

T

Growing up, I had always been a perfectionist. A straight-A student. “A pleasure to have in class.” It was the perfect mask to hide behind, to stitch seamlessly onto my skin. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and they were fairly absent from my early childhood. My single mother toiled day and night to raise me and my sister, all life drained from her when she returned home as a soulless shell. I feared being a burden to others all my life, so I learned to study on my own. I couldn’t ask anyone for homework help even if I wanted to. No one could help me.

Toughing it out alone became my normal, and I paid dearly when I entered my senior years of high school.

he first time I got 71% on a test, I dashed to the washroom from my Physics 11 class.

Leaving the papers face down on my desk, I scurried away like a scared mouse. I kept my head down, hid in the security of my hood, but it was getting hard to breathe from under a damp mask.

I did not return to class.

Until the hallways were clear, I locked myself in the washroom. My face stung, my eyes bloodshot, two wells of tears stained my mask where my dark circles are. I could barely stand to see myself in the mirror, let alone let my classmates see me. MK, thanks for bringing me my backpack after dismissal. With a red hot iron, I branded 71% onto my mind, and every time I walked into physics class I feared that others would see it too. Shame is the uncomfortable snot beneath your mask that sticks to you and doesn’t go away — until you learn to unmask, wash your face, let go, and move on.

Yeeted to oblivion by the quarter system, you can use v=d/Δt to calculate the speed of my descent from “okay” to “I am a fool who will fall behind in school, fail my classes, get rejected by universities and disappoint their family”, but with

10

stronger language echoed by a chorus of red-cloaked demons in my mind’s prison.

At the bottom of this slippery slope, it shocked me to realize how much I based my self-worth on my achievements and my grades. How my identity revolved around being a self-sufficient not-a-burden. How my high expectations for myself forbade me to seek help. Stitch by stitch, I shed my prideful mask in front of the Resource Centre’s doorstep. The first questions pained me to ask. As time went by, asking questions felt as natural as slipping on shoes that no longer rubbed the Achilles.

My therapist encouraged me to write an affirmation to help me combat my perfectionism. Instead of degrading myself, I need to de-grade myself: I scribbled “my grades do not define my worth” on my course outline.

I contain multitudes immeasurable by numbers or percentages. My grades won’t tell you how I led Burnett’s Gay-Straight Alliance as President since

Grade 9. How well I sew historical clothes. How I phoned my maternal grandparents nearly every night since my immigration in 2013. How much love I have to give. Did my affirmation magically solve all my self-esteem issues? No, and I prefer it that way! When I need a pick-me-up, it reminds me to hold my head up, let go, and move on.

Since 71%, I have been working to become stronger mentally. I try to accept myself for all my mistakes and imperfections — including academics. Recently, I handed in a Chemistry 12 unit test with a question left unfinished. To my surprise, I felt no frustration. No tears seeped into my mask, no fingernails dug into my skin in regret or shame. To my relief, my intelligent classmates frantically discussed the same question as we retrieved our backpacks. To quote Mr. Kailley, “it’s okay to be confused. Not everything comes super easily, That’s why it’s called learning.”

Moving forward, I will reframe my identity: I am a recovering perfectionist — I am a learner.

11

i’m a gemini

12

perspective

jessie lan

13

the chaotic wanderings of my mind amanda kwok The process of creating my first submission for Burnett’s Literary Magazine has been an intriguing exploration of the murky depths of identity. A process of fearlessness, of confronting the controversial, of breaking barriers built by life in society.

Throughout this ongoing journey, I have realized how much the human perception of identity says about us, and how much we have yet to learn about our essences.

One idea that I came across during my reflection is that identity might be controlled entirely by the scientific laws of the universe. Every decision, emotion and event is simply the product of an immeasurable number of chemical reactions.

Every single thing that we do, say, love, hate, is governed by forces that kill without guilt and give life without love, and particles that will never feel ethereal happiness or destructive sadness. We might just be puppets under science’s control. And identity might be nothing but fate.

Now, if you find this idea a bit unsettling, I’ll admit, so do I. Our perception of identity is a prime example of the human obsession with power. We are reluctant to explore different ideas about identity because we are reluctant to relinquish control. We find comfort in the belief that we can control and understand our actions, thoughts and feelings. And so, we don’t bother reflecting any deeper than that to learn otherwise. We are afraid to admit that we are powerless, because that makes us feel vulnerable and incompetent. And we hate that.

14

We often think about identity in a lot of detail, while ignoring the macro aspects of identity. We love the feeling of expertise, we love understanding details and complexities. Big ideas are much more abstract and can make us feel small and insignificant and overwhelmed. Which we also despise.

Humans crave understanding and knowledge, but there are things that we will never fully comprehend. Identity is one of such things. Because we dislike the feeling of not knowing, we just pretend that we do understand identity (or at least certain parts of it) and hope that assumptions will be good enough to fill the role of the truth.

The bottom line is, we know a lot less about identity than we think we do. The more I reflect, the more I believe that we are pretty much eternally stuck in uncertainty. And I suppose we just have to be okay with that.

So, in conclusion, this is what my exploration of identity has taught me. We have to be careful not to make assumptions, to believe that we understand something just because we fear the agony of not knowing. We have to be careful not to ignore the big picture just because we enjoy the satisfaction of understanding intricacies. And finally, identity is insanely confusing.

15

lookbook eliana barbosa

16

jessica grade 12

details: top: urban outfitters bottom: nnine coat: nnine shoes: fendi

17

tayla grade 10

details: top: aeropostale bottom: thrifted shoes: marshall's necklace: amazon

18

CJ grade 12

details: top: uniqlo bottom: ZARA sweater: zellers shoes: new balance

19

be yourself

stephanie hong

20

empty

delfia tingala

21

puzzle

ethan chin

22

paint anonymous

I was what they wanted me to be.

I was black and white, I was a blank page, a white canvas, I was an empty container.

Then, I was in screaming colour.

Red, Orange, Yellow, Blue, Lines and Shapes and Swirls and Stripes.

It was like a window had opened, and let the wind in.

I can see the sky.

I can feel the breeze.

But it was like, You painted the wrong side.

I felt wrong, this is wrong, the colours are wrong.

Hide.

When can I come out?

Fear Shame Guilt Uncertainty Will I hide forever?

23

unknown josh domino

24

i·den·ti·ty /ˌīˈden(t)ədē/ noun zoë lo Self identity is Often One of those things Others know more about Than you It can be heard through one’s Voice and tone Seen through one’s Face and skin Felt through one’s Touch and presence Like a piece of clay Squished down, Remolded over and over Again Till it’s no longer what It once was

Or it could stay as it was since the very beginning But we all know That is not possible Stay with your identity Take care of it As if it was you Because it is You Whether you are The silent or the speaker The punched or the puncher Grab onto your identity And hold onto it Without ever letting go

25

self

yining xie

26

lilac colin lim

How long ago was it when lilacs once bloomed?

That purple hue that glistened with poise So still.

So peaceful.

Nevertheless, time wilts just as fast For those memories of violet, lavender lost And l, a heretic for wanting once more For Lilacs to bloom, for colours yore.

But now if all were to return The world in no shape to receive It’s palette lost, vibrance buried deep And this monochrome world which I detest with all might And hide away by closing my sight Yet all I find is more darkness, never light.

Even as I silently ponder, all I have, myself to blame For not treasuring those long lost days the fragrant smell that always loomed For I wish once more that lilacs would bloom.

27

persona caroline zhang

28

ONE madie lee

To be one One with nature One with your mind One with the universe One with something, but what does it mean to be one?

One is to be whole One is to be present One is to know who you are But here I am, and I can’t call myself one I think I’m more like one hundred One thousand One million One billion parts that I don’t know how to fit together Perhaps one is to be one of a kind Only one you exists after all One is adversity and discovery Maybe I already am one And one is never alone if we are all one

29

i am...

self-identity

gurwas dhaliwal & thomas graham

gurwas dhaliwal

As I stare into this plane of an inversed dimension I see a familiar picture, yet one I do not recognize Covered in a shell crafted with the admirations of others There is not a crack visible, to see what is truly inside In the efforts of being someone for everyone else I forgot to be someone for me.

30

pursue yuyu liu

31

growth

Remember when we used to cry so loudly, just so our parents could give us the attention we wanted Now we cry too quietly screaming silently into our pillow, to make sure no one hears us Remember when we use to sleep with our doors open because we were scared of the monsters at night Now we hardly ever open it because we feel some sort of comfort being alone

32

finding yourself ”you’re under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.”

samaya grewal 33

"the longest journey is the journey inwards" - dag hammarskjöld

thanks for reading! catch you in our next issue! with love,

JN BURNETT'S LITERARY MAGAZINE CLUB