"Dear Me," Final Book

Dear Me, A letter to your pas t self

Jocelyn K. Parker

Logis t ics For this project I created a Google form and asked participants to write a letter to their past self. I gave a few ideas on what they could write about, but intentionally left the prompt vague so as not to constrain anyone’s creativity.

I posted the link to the form on my personal Facebook page, pinned it to my public Twitter account, and encouraged any of my friends to share the project. As of November 23, 2015 I received 34 responses.

I made occasional structural changes to the letters but did not edit them for grammer, spelling, punctuation, or the like. The typeface choice for each letter was inspired by the attitude and overall message of the writing.

Acknowledgement s Mom, Dad, and Conrad: You are my constant cheerleaders, pep talkers, and comic relief. I will never be able to thank you enough for all you do.

Thank you Professor Shan Anderson for giving me the incentive to finally make this project happen.

I owe the biggest thanks to everyone who shared my post or submitted a letter.

I (literally) couldn’t have done this without you. Your complete willingness to share the struggles and joys of your life was unexpected and has led to a final product that far exceeded my expectations. I hope participating in “Dear Me,” was as positive and meaningful of an experience for you as it has been for me.

-Jocelyn K. Parker

Dear Me, Never lose your enthusiasm

and faith in the goodness of people.

- Jocelyn

Dear Me, Well, you’ve made it. College is now here and the world is in your hands. It has been quite a change for you since you got here. No parents to tell you what to do and when to do it, and no family and friends who have always been right there down the street. It may seem scary now, but I just want you to know that you will continue to get through it with each passing day.

You are a strong, compassionate, faithful woman and you continue to amaze everyone around you. You are smart and funny, and one day there will be a man who will see just how amazing you really are. But for now, you just have to be patient and remember to always rely on God, because He will always be there for you, even when you leave Him for a while. You have already had some “real” college experiences and overcoming them was not easy. But I am so proud of you for fighting through them and becoming a better young lady because of them. As your journey continues, I want you to always remember that you will have someone there for you even if you think you are alone. Please remember to study hard and find your balance between your academics and a social life. Continue to use good judgment, but don’t be afraid to have fun either! But most importantly, when you feel like you’ve hit the ground, remember what your knees are for.

The future is yours girl! Go get it!

Much love forever and always, Me from the future

Dear Me, Life isn’t out to get you.

You have a purpose.

As much as you like helping people, take a step back and take care of yourself.

This is the only body you have.

Dear High school me,

I know; I know how much life sucks right now. I know you have very few friends, and I know those few friends pick on you a lot. I know you have been struggling with your grades, and I know that you have had trouble with sports. I know that girls don't like you and that you feel like life could only get worse from here. Believe me,I know it feels like life is rock bottom with everything. Since Freshman year of high school life has been miserable, but it changes. College will change all of this for you. Life is too short to get frustrated over silly high school problems. My advice is continue to hold on to your dreams. They may seem silly, and people may have made fun of you for it, but that's all changed. Your goals and ambitions are the very reason why people love you now. They are the very reason why people look at you now like an adult, and treat you with respect I don't think there has ever been a period in my life where I have ever been this happy and motivated.

I do have one piece of advice. Don't think this all comes right away when you come to college. You will struggle for a little bit, you will fall, and worst of all it will feel like it is all a repeat of your high school days.

However, there is nothing to worry about! This is who you are, it's how you have always succeeded in everything you want. You have to earn it the hard way. Something I tell myself and others is that when life has you down, do not worry. Just know what you want to do, work hard at it, and trust the process of life.

Hey kiddo, It’s 2015, and you’re almost done with college – congrats. I think we’re all a little surprised you got here, but you did it. You made it. I’m here to give you a heads up on how this thing called life is gonna go for you.

Fifth grade will be rough. You won’t really have any friends, and you’ll spend a lot of time on your own. You’re gonna have to fight, but you’ve got it in you – it’ll give you strength and compassion that you’ll use for the rest of your life.

In middle school, you’ll start playing basketball. You won’t be very good - those scrawny arms won’t help you - but you’ll love it. Spend every day in the backyard working on your shooting form (I know you think you’re a righty, but try shooting left-handed. It’ll work out pretty well for you). There’s a girl on your soccer team; her dad is the basketball coach. She’ll be your best friend through middle and high school. You’ll have some great times together, but when she suggests eating an entire watermelon in one sitting, don’t grab the 14-pound melon. Maybe go for a 7-pounder.

I hate to break it to you, but life is about to get real hard. Sophomore year of high school to sophomore year of college will be hell. You’re going to be in therapy a couple times – just don’t go to Emily. She won’t do anything. Go to Grant. He’s badass and the perfect therapist for you.

Before you leave for college, you’ll have a sickening feeling in your gut that it’s wrong. That feeling is right, but go anyways. What you’re dealing with is the hardest thing you’ll ever go through.

The feelings you’re having aren’t just homesickness. You’re battling depression and anxiety, and you’re fighting like hell for every day. Keep fighting, kiddo. Three times you’ll think you can’t do it anymore. Three times you’ll hit rock bottom. Three times you’ll do anything to end the pain. But I promise you, it won’t be easier for Mom and Dad if you’re gone. You’re their little girl. They love you, depression and all. Keep fighting. You’ll fight for years, and one day things will get better. The sun will shine a little brighter, music will sound a little better, your smile will be a little bigger - and you deserve to be around to see that day. You’ve got one amazing life just around the corner, and you deserve to live it. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve done, will give you scars from a battle that you’ve fought and you’ve won. Telling your story will free others to tell theirs.

Stay strong, kiddo, and just keep fighting. You’re a warrior.

Buy stock in apple and facebook. Learn to play piano. Kevin isn’t “the one”. When you start college, Katie (yes, the Katie you were insanely jealous of and hated through high school) will be your rock.

Spend a little less time eating sour straws and a little more time flossing. Write down everything Coach Hurst tells you. Do your best, and let God do the rest.

And give grandpa a hug for me, kiddo.

Dear former self.

shut up and listen.

My darling girl, You will love someone with everything you have. It’s not going to work out, but that’s okay. This failed relationship will teach you the value of what it means to love a person. You will dive down to the depths, hike to the tips of mountains; bike through European cities and sail in-between islands. You will observe fiery sunsets and sullen moonrises, blackened eclipses and summer equinoxes. Just observe nature in general. Listen to the questions that little children ask you, they may teach you a thing or two about how to become excited about life. Your family will treat you with cruelty, but they’ll forgive you when you decide that you don’t want to be subjected to their abuse anymore. They’re learning just like you are. You are good at forgiving others, but not yourself. Please work on it, it’ll make your heart lighter. Your education will take you far - both literally and hypothetically. Do things that make your heart race (except for hard drugs) and make it a priority to laugh at least once a day.

Love yourself. Love others. Travel as far and as often as you can, eat lots of vegetables and read read read. Welcome to the world, terrifying and beautiful things happen here. Try not to be afraid.

Sincerely yours

~

Dear Me, I am writing this to you, currently a senior in high school.

I know high school is terrible. I know you can’t wait to leave, attend University of Oregon, make new friends, be happy. Don’t worry, you will get to do all this and more.

I am writing to remind you to work hard in school. Go to class. Do your homework. Be prepared and don’t procrastinate. I did, and those decisions led me to where I am now- a 20 year old who failed out of their first year of college.

Its terrible having to look at people and tell them “Im not at UO this year because I needed a break” or “I just wanted to come home for a little while”-lies, all lies. It breaks my heart to tell you this is coming, but maybe with the knowledge of what lies ahead, you can take action and prevent this. You’ve had a plan for your life since you were 12 years old, and to have it uprooted and completely destroyed is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over.

Remember when we were 8 years old, and we went to visit downtown Portland, and as we were walking around, a 25ish year old homeless man came up to us and said “Be cool, stay in school, and don’t end up like me little sister. No no no”. We hid behind Dad and blushed when we realized he was talking to us. I want you to remember those words, to really take to heart what he said. I remember it almost everyday now.

I want you, senior in high school me, to know this is coming so you can prevent it.

Graduate, go onto UO, GO TO CLASS, do your homework, and don’t end up like me sitting here writing this letter today.

I believe in you.

Love, You in two years

Dear Me,,

Don't overthink it.

If it seems wrong, run away. Your gut is usually right.

Except when it come to sweets. Maybe resist some of those.

Travel more. With no strings attached.

Allow yourself to fall in love. More than once.

Take a minute, or day, or year. Just breathe.

You'’re still alive in the future. Rushing through the days won't make anything but regret.

Tell your friends you love them. Do it now.

After school, everything changes. Prepare yourself.

Love, Future Me

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Dear Me, I am so sorry for what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry that you wear your mistakes on your skin. That you carry a burden with you that everyone sees and passes judgment on.

They said you were never the type to be a cutter, that you had everything you wanted, they took every opportunity to cut you to pieces until finally you did it for yourself. I should have been stronger for you. I promise not to let sharp objects harm you anymore. I hope that you see now that love does not give you worth, you give yourself your own worth. Nobody can take anything from you that you don’t give them, but by hiding your heart away from the possibility of being hurt like that again, you risk never finding love at all. So turn your chin to the sun, let the warmth shine on your face, and throw your past and your problems to the wind. Do not be afraid to blossom, to be who you are, to love fiercely the way you were designed to love. You have no reason to be afraid of who you are, they will all still love you if you tell them the truth. You’re gay. Tell them. Open those petals up, soak in the light and the love, and be the you that you were always meant to be. In those photos, that sweet, blonde, curly-haired little girl, you have always been innocent. You have always been wild. You have always been free. I’m so proud to be me, scars on my heart and my skin, I’m a fighter. I am growing.

Yo,

don’t t hink you’ll have a majes t ic beard.

T hat’s not t he reality.

Also, don’t worry about not t raveling more, it’ll work out and t here are amazing t hings to do wherever you live.

Keep doing what you want, because for t he mos t par t we make t he right decision.

Dear Younger Me,

I know you’re really stressed out and worried about how you’re going to make College happen. Truth of the matter is: don’t sweat it. Some amazing things are

about to happen. Yeah, they’re scary as Hell; but trust me, everything will work out.

Here’s some other advice:

*Pay attention in math class. Trust me, you really do algebra in the real world.

Ignore all those kids who tease you about being stupid because you grew up in a small town so far way from their city comforts.

Cherish the family dinners. Soon some of them won’t be around.

Always follow your gut instincts.

Get your nose out of a book & go for a jog. Yeah, those girls in

8 th grade that

teased you about not being good enough to make the team were full of crap too.

Learn to compete against yourself.

Quit caring so damn much about what other people think of you. Do what makes you happy.

OH - get Grandma to teach you how to make pin curls, finger waves, that really cool ‘Gibson roll’ that was so popular during the war. Believe it or not, you’ll

actually want to wear your hair like that someday. Lean from the expert while you can. OH - and learn to french braid too.

Your life after high school is going to be really hard for a while. But, don’t give up. It will be awesome. Remember what Grandad said, “When you fall off your horse; pick yourself up, dust yourself off & get back on”.

Keep your chin up kid.

Dear me, You are young. And I hope you’ve stayed that

way. I hope you still laugh at those corny jokes,

and dont match your socks. I hope you still spend time getting lost in a sunset, and of course the stars that follow. I hope you hold your head

high when your car breaks down again, even

if it is the light blue Mini Cooper we’ve always

wanted. I hope you fall in love with someone who pushes you to be your best but accepts you at

your , worst. I know things get tough, and I know you r e capable of so many great things, I just

hope you took the leap to get there. I hope you still love yourself. But most importantly, I hope you’re happy.

Don’t question what you are doing, just enjoy yourself.

You are on the right track, and life will turn out amazing.

Stop sweating the small things and express yourself to the fullest as that is what makes you beautiful.

Forget about trying to mend the bonds with your brother, he is a lost soul who will only cause you and the family disappointment. Focus of realizing that family is formed through love and friendship, not blood relation.

Now go forth and live the amazing life I know you will have, for I have loved mine.

So Morgs.. .

Here’s the deal. You’re not going to shrink. That’s how it is.

Coffee doesn’t actually stunt your growth. One of your distant relatives was a giant, and life chose you to receive those genes. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and that’s what makes every individual so special. You may think it sucks now, but ITS SO AWESOME. You’ll never get claustrophobic at concerts. Your giraffe neck will pop over crowds, which will give you better views, fresh air, and the ability to spot your mom anywhere in the grocery store. When you are in 7th grade, you’ll change the batteries on a clock at Olivera’s, and in return they’ll give you a free smoothie. So pocket the change Mom gave you for a Bananarama, and enjoy the good life.

You will face many obstacles. It can suck, or you can turn it into something positive. Leggings will come back in style, and you won’t have to worry about getting pants that are long enough. Plus one day you’ll move to Oregon, where you can hide your high-waters in any pair of boots. Forget all of that awkward crap and wear your personality like you wear your perfect pair of sweats. And when old men objectify you, just through them a weird face and do the Carlton. They’ll head for the hills. Who cares if you have to duck for doorways or bend down to see yourself in the mirror, wear heels like there’s not tomorrow. You will become more proportionate as you get older; however you will always be incredibly clumsy. You’ll never be fully aware of your appendages. Don’t worry though!

Dishes can be replaced, and bones can grow back. And when people tell you that “Girls shouldn’t be that tall,” give them the bird. You don’t need that kind of negativity.

Shine bright, not-so-little one.

Dear Me, I’m trying to think of things to tell you to do that I never did or things not to do that I’ve regretted but the the truth is every decision I’ve made, no matter how big or small, has made me into the person I am today.

I have always believed in the butterfly effect. The idea that even the smallest change in your past can alter your entire future. So if I told you to change something I may not be the person I am today. Of course there is the possibility that I would be someone better. But am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to give up the experiences I’ve had since doing something I’ve regretted? Am I willing to accept the possibility that the people in my life could disappear with a simple change? No.

So let me try again.

Dear me, I am so thankful for you.

Love,

Me

FIN