Preface
For obvious reasons and out of respect for the people who I had these conversations with, names, phone numbers, and other personal information have been blurred out. These are excerpts from actual conversations from ex’s and old girls I used to talk too. Showing falling in love, losing love, and everything inbetween.
“Whats your definition of love?” When you truly fall in love with someone, you fall in love with their subtle nuances. You don’t love her laugh, you love how by making her laugh you just made her day exponentially better. It’s not because she’s a brunette, its because of how her hair cascades across her face, and lands on her shoulders. How that out of all the millions of people in the world, you chose her, and if you had to do it again, you’d still choose her. Feeling her heart beat on your chest when you sleep, and even after she leaves, the smell of her perfume resinates on your bed sheets and it’s a small reminder that she’s still there.
Falling in Love Kills
You were gone for good, once my ho
oodie lost the scent of your perfume.
“youre just like me trying so hard to push people away when they fuck up because youre mad or hurt to see if they go that extra mile for you� - Facebook Message from February 2015
Checking up on you was part of my daily routine. So much that it just came naturally - I’d go on tumblr and my fingers would type in your name before my brain even realized it. Every night I’d cringe at the harsh lyrics and quotes. I’d cringe at the anger filled posts. I’d cringe at the thought that I couldn’t do anything to fix it, to fix you, because the more I tried, the more I fucked up. The more I fought to make things work, the worse things got because nothing could ever be the same. Nothing could bring back the joy and strength our friendship once had. I still remember how we became friends. I remember how our friendship grew and how eventually you were my bestfriend. I remember the laughs and the jokes and the late night calls. I remember sitting in silence while you were on xbox live and thinking how nice it was to have as genuine of a friendship as we did. But I remember how things slowly went downhill. The tempers flaring, the fights, the misunderstandings. I remember how we fell apart. And sadly, theres nothing we can do to change that. Things happen for a reason but it would be nice to know what those reasons are. Now I cringe typing in your name and seeing it deactivated. I’ve checked about 4 times today, hoping that maybe you’d reactivate it and let me in enough to watch from the side. But i know you and unfortunately I know that’s what you want - you want me out and you want this bridge burned to ashes because nothing good comes out of our contact. After tomorrow, I only have 3 more days to see you: rehearsal, graduation, and senior brunch. Then the chances of us seeing each other are rare, so rare that saying there’s a 1% chance is an over exaggeration. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’ll make this easier, and maybe I’ll finally stop checking up on you in hopes that I still have a place in your life. We had a lot of plans for the future; traveling, road trips, concerts, walks to see the sunrise/ sunset, journeys in queens, visits to a secret bookstore. I hope you find someone that you can fulfill new plans with. I’m happy. I’d be happier if I had you in my life as a bestfriend but some things just don’t work out and its time I embrace that. My lifes complete the way it is and I hope you feel that way too. I’m not sure if you’ll ever see this, and I’m not ssure how to really conclude this… But I have so much faith in you and I hope you know I’ll never give up on you. No matter how many times I say I’m done and don’t care - that’ll all be bullshit. You’re forever a friend to me and forever a piece of me. I’ve learned so much from you and I couldn’t be more proud to say someone as talented as you had time for me. I can’t promise that in 10 years I’ll be missing our friendship, but I can promise that when I see your name in headlines and hear about your amazing company and designs, I’ll be just as proud as I am today. Thank you for everything Joseph Chong. - Tumblr post from 2 years ago