Words and That - Issue 16 by Abingdon Print Online

WORDS and ThAT Remember this? WORDS and ThAT

SCHOOL

The final interview with Miss Lusk before she leaves

AUTUMN ISSUE

NEWS

What does the sugar tax mean for us?

FEATURES

Are Christians right to claim that they are persecuted?

Abingdon School’s So Called Leading Newspaper

SPORT

Tom Brady for dummies, the football star explained

ISSUE 13

HILLARY WILL BE PRESIDENT RickFflemish Horris uses his great insight to predict the election Bill describes what he wants to happen

B iTHIRD YEAR EXPLAINS GLOBAL CONFLICT P.3i

HOUSE SINGING IS ACTUALLY FUN P.17i

POems prose Paraphernalia

Issue 14

I CAN WRITE ... ABOUT SPORT P.30i

ritain has voted out. Against all the odds, against the academic consensus, against the markets and most importantly, against the Prime Minister, Britain has gone. So before we begin any sort of post-Brexit re-evaluation of the arguments let us remember that such an endeavour is entirely in vain. Britain is going whether we liked or loved or hated or loathed the idea and painful as it may seem for many of us to have not been able to participate in this important decision, that is now the way it will be. What is much more important is what happens to Britain in the short to medium term and what we can possibly learn from this historic vote. At the time of writing, all we know so far is that Britain is out and the Prime Minister will go before October. It is all very vague and uncertain. However what is clear to me is that there must be an election before then or at the very least before the post-Brexit negotiations begin. The current government was elected on a mandate of, predominantly, continuing austerity, the carrying out of an EU renegotiation and a referendum on that renegotiation. It has done these things but during the campaign the official government has campaigned for Remain with such admirable passion that the administration as it is can not be the one to re-negotiate our status with Europe. Neither would it be appropriate for a clique of Leave campaigners led by Michael Gove and Boris Johnson to assume power in the vacuum left by the Prime Minister. This would be an administration that no-one has voted for and would be one that would be only supported by the right leaning half of the Tory party that is completely unrepresentative of the UK overall, with absolutely no man-

date to govern. Therefore there must an election, as soon as possible. This would be feasible, despite the Fixed Term Parliaments Act, with the support of two thirds of the house. It would give all parties a chance to re-assess their policy following this vote and to decide their stance on the future of Britain’s relationship with the EU. But most importantly, it would give the electorate a chance to select their chosen renegotiation strategy. A Brexit government is the only one which can carry out these talks with the EU and find a way through the stunned disbelief with which much of the world has reacted to this vote. Once that government is in place we can answer many of the questions that have so befuddled many such as, among others, whether we are a member of the EEA, EFTA, have our own free trade arrangements, or find another path. One other result of this referendum is the striking and unavoidable observation of how divided our country is. The truth is that, on the whole, the educated and higher income south east and London voted for Remain, along with Scotland and Northern Ireland. The Out votes came predominantly from working class areas such as the North and the Midlands. This is not to say that votes from any particular area were driven by any particular argument but the fact remains that this is how the votes were distributed. We can each draw our own conclusions from this but perhaps the biggest thing to think about is how different the priorities of different strata of society have been during this referendum and why that is. It is not enough anymore to abandon such people as political parties

Continued on page 2

Spot Abingdon’s leading newspaper ... POems prose Paraphernalia

Issue 16

intro •

Editorial

he end of the year is a tough time. We use this to reflect on the past year and this makes us realise how catastrophic things have been. Most of these articles are probably written after pens have been thrown down, hands flung in the air and articles written in the strange hope it will calm us down. As teachers stay up writing reports the week after they were due, and pupils scurry to finish prep they actually believe will be marked before February, we offer you Words and That as a quick break from it all. 2016 has not been the most pleasant of years on the world stage, to make an understatement. Though the Afterlife’s 2016 annual newcomers’ panto will probably be its highest quality one yet (and massively outshine Abingdon’s offering), we have lost some well loved heroes this year. Terrorism continues, Brexit means Brexit and Harambe was martyred on the altar of Cincinnati Zoo. We also cannot forget that a new man has entered the world stage, shaking everything we knew with new controversy. He is bold, he is different, and he has reached the highest office there is. However we promise there are only two articles related to him in this issue so that we don’t go on overkill. I am, of course, talking about HM Mike Windsor. Despite pensioners crashing world economies more often than they play bridge and America becoming great again (which must mean returning to the days of British occupation), we are here making jokes about it. Words and That is a satire publication, more so than our founders would probably like, and we shall keep making jokes, even in our nuclear bunkers. Then if we can make jokes about what’s going on, we know it cannot be too bad. We may be worried, but we know we will pull through and be alright somehow and then thank Boris Johnson for making man-spreading socially acceptable (sort of ). Therefore as the year ends, let us have hope and express it through our ability to laugh at disaster. Russia still has 37% of Europe to conquer. Three buildings have remained standing in all of Iraq. And Nigel Farage is not a Lord ... yet. May we come together, young and demographics that matter, men and 77% of women, Christians and people who will celebrate Christmas anyway, to go forward and make a better world in 2017. Happy Hanukkah The Words and That liberal elite

school •

Stalwart Windsor and Chums

“That’s not Miss Lusk”

irst Assembly. 2016. A hush of expectation lies over the theatre like a big cerise blanket. Allswell a bit bleary eyed after living it up for the last night of the holidays. Stilton standing on the side, clutching a sheaf of ABRSM Grade 1 oboe certificates. New teachers on the stage, looking shifty. Language assistants realise that all the fifth formers are staring at them - uncomfortably adjust clothing. There is a sense of something missing, something indefinable, something… lost. Something … lusk Allswell brushes a single tear from his eye. Suddenly

And whilst we’re at it - Saturday school. That’s coming back. I think it’s a damned shame that you fellows get to run around terrorising the good folk of Abingdon, when you could be in chapel! Which will be running on a twice daily basis. And we’re also reversing the Henrician Reformation - you will now refer to Rev. Steer as Cardinal Steer. And Mr Gooding shall be a page boy, administering the wine and biscuits. Murmured approval

SIXTH FORMER: Here we go… Let’s see how he does...

Fagging is in, corporal punishment is in, the school counselling service is out. The new science centre has been demolished to make way for a gothic cathedral. Meanwhile, St Helen’s has been permanently relocated to Dorset. Well, my daughter Little Miss Windsor does go there and I know what you chaps are like. Eh? Eh?

After any applause…

Cry of ‘oi oi!’ goes up in auditorium. Symmonds wolf whistles.

WINDSOR: Tally ho, pip pip, and greetings.

Well that’s really it from me this week. But do not fear! Next week I shall be back, with a half-hour lecture on the transcendence of the human soul and our life journey to discover our inner purpose. Also might have some rugby results, if you’re lucky!

Enter STALWART WINDSOR, with his entourage. Fifes. Drums. Pyrotechnics.

Nod of encouragement from Allswell. WINDSOR: It’s simply top hole to be talking to you today, my chums. Having come across from jolly old Blue Coat, one gets used to the rough life, what? It’s nice to escape the slums and have a bit of heritage. A bit of class. But I rather think some change is in order, what with the new regime and all that. For a start, I’m excited to get down and dirty with our spiffing rugger team. Seeing as all you chaps are playing rugger these days, I think we could do without the football team. Bit of a pansy’s sport, what? Frankly I don’t see what more a fellow can get out of kicking muddy balls when he could be holding them firmly to his chest. Murmured approval

Makes as if to get off stage - pauses. Returns to microphone. WINDSOR: And if any bloody cleaner tries to bin my paving stone from Tiananmen Square, so hear me God I will set my foxhounds on you. Leaves to rapturous applause. Nudged by fifth former on way out, who whispers to him… FIFTH FORMER: I think that we’ve got off to something of a HEAD start, eh readers? WINDSOR: See me in detention.

comment •

Third-Way Politics: The Alt-Right

n the 24th of August of this year, in Reno, Nevada, Hillary Clinton made widely public a political movement that has been incubating for the last decade: the so-called ‘Alt-Right’. The internet is the preferred forum for this faction; they generally lack public visibility and the resources to form serious, large parties in public elections. It is most easily identified by what it dislikes than what it likes, namely the status quo. The entirety of the Alt-Right is fundamentally opposed to the neoconservative and neoliberal consensus of the last few decades. On account of this, if you were to hear from it from Clinton and her acolytes, the Alt-Right would be a monolithic mass of goose-stepping National Socialists, or if you were to hear it from Bernouts, profit-obsessed Anarcho-Capitalists and cross-burning Dixiecrats. The fact of the matter is that the word ‘Alt-Right’ is meaningless; it described such a wide variety of policy positions that it is as useless for classification as lumping together the politics of New Labour with those of the Supreme Soviet. You could suppose, then, that this article is clarification for what could soon become a new political buzzword, a more proper explanation of what could all too easily become the Left’s version of McCarthy’s ‘Red Scare’, perceived subversives devoted to the overthrow of the conventional parties and the established political order. I have written previously that the term ‘Alt-Right’ is meaningless. What, then, does it really refer to? Put simply, to my mind has distinctive European and American flavours that nevertheless are more familiar to each other than different. There are, broadly speaking, two main divisions within both; the ‘Old Right’ and ‘New Right’, the former including traditionalists, reactionaries and classical fascists,

whilst the latter consists of libertarians and the new wave of national conservatives that have been created and invigorated by the EU experiment and the mass migration of the last two decades. Libertarians are generally more prominent in the United States, with its great scepticism of government, whereas the older and more collective cultures of Europe seem to often encourage the development of national conservatives. Much of the Alt-Right is, in fact, the disparate elements of the traditional right-wing movements displaced by the steady march of society into left-wing authoritarianism, and the concomitant need of conservative parties to innovate their social policies, especially with regards the liberalisation of civil rights. The contemporary political issues facing the two different schools of thought also influence its behaviour. In Europe, the two issues predominant in the mind of the Alt-Right are the increasingly centralised power of the European Union and partially as an extension of the EU, partially as a separate issue, the migrant crisis. Although opinions on the principle of the EU differ - the British are generally much more sceptical of the united Europe principle than the Germans - its execution is universally deplored, being seen as an attempt to undermine the sovereignty of nations and to create a power bloc that may actually further destabilise the world. Its facilitation of immigration both within and without the EU is also considered to be a threat to the political and social order that the European New Right aims to protect. In particular, concerns over Islamic immigration predominate; specifically concerns over the migrant policy of Germany, which has had the effect of creating a vast new population of dependents in that nation, and the exist-

ing communities in France that have proved to be a serious point of contention in the recent years. If we now know what the ‘Alt-Right’ is, or at least have a somewhat more sophisticated view of what it consists of, you may perhaps want to know what its goals are. These are as varied as the movement itself; the long-term goals of the libertarians are wholly different to the long-term goals of the fascists, but the short-term goals often bear surprising similarities. From our perspective, Brexit was almost universally supported, the European Union being widely seen as an institution of cultural warfare and globalistic, anti-democratic oppression through its dependence on the Commission and the economic strong-arming of its treasury, the Federal Republic of Germany. Even in this situation there is dissent; many Europeans were alarmed at what they say as the undermining of the fundamentally sound idea of the European super-state as a rival to the Americans and Chinese. Trump is most famously the poster-child of the ‘Alt-Right’, but there is not unilateral support for him. Libertarians - as aforementioned a strong faction in American politics, even in the mainstream - tend to be suspicious of his populism and his advocacy of stronger borders and protected economy, but many support him pragmatically in the light of the machinations of Clinton. The fractious and disordered nature of the movement as a whole is reflected by this focus on a few key issues and their opposition to a wide slew of others; indeed, it could be said the whole movement is defined by what it does not believe in and its support, essentially out of collective self-preservation. It is not the place of this article to comment on the tendency to disguise censorship in modern society

as protection from ‘offence’, but suffice it to say the threat posed by the Alt-right to the consensus is such that it would be scourged with such measures; the broadness with which such laws have been applied in Germany to apply to anyone even criticising the catastrophic and immoral migrant policy of that nation sets a disturbing trend. Perhaps the Alt-right is best seen as a contrarian movement; they are collectively unsure what the solution is, but they are most certain that what is happening now is wrong. They do not by any means intend to turn back the clock, but when it is showing incorrectly, the clock’s hands must certainly be repositioned. I do not pretend to suppose that the ‘Alt-Right’ in its entirety has been assessed by this rather brief article, but it is of tremendous importance to even simply establish its profile; it risks becoming all things to all people, and in a world where the means of communication and the circumstances of public discourse are increasingly dominated by pseudo-intellectuals with their regressive and authoritarian stance on the extent of free speech, it is absolutely critical that we do not allow ourselves to be impressed or deceived by those who use their image to affect our thinking, and more importantly, what we consider to be the limits of that thinking. Political orthodoxy enforced via state machinery or by the conditioned will of the mob is the beginning of no mere tyranny of body, as the great medieval monarchs would have practised, but also of our minds. It is no mere option to use primary sources to make your judgment on matters; it is duty. Anything less is intellectual dishonesty, leaving your objectivity at the mercy of those whose motivations are unlikely to be to give you the facts, but rather the facts as they want you to see them.

‘real’ science • Core Practical 9.75

Core Practical 9.75

Activity 3.14 Student Sheet

Purpose: ● To investigate how happy bunny concentration affects the rate of magic SAFETY ● To develop advanced wizardry skills ● To show how dot to dot lines can be representative of a curve Make sure to say your “oculus protecto” chant to protect your eyes from danger

SAFETY

Any happy bunnies can cause dangerous reactions with skin and eyes. Alert your teacher if you have scratches, rabies or the Make sure to say your “oculus protecto” chant to protect your eyes propensity to put your pen in your mouth.

from danger

Any happy bunnies can cause dangerous reactions with skin and eyes. Alert your teacher if you have scratches, rabies or the propensity to put your pen in your mouth. Equipment: 1) Rudimentary French 2) Rudimentary Charleston Rock Step 3) Rudimentary Northern Education 4) Understanding that ‘The Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the Cell’ 5) Photosynthesis 6) Complete knowledge of your own name, for reference. 7) Biology Optional Method: a) i) Clear any equipment left by lower years in the class before. ii) Remove remnants of rat dissections as well. b) Ensure any words longer than Marmalade have been correctly separated into their component parts. c) Don’t touch, simply gaze at what the technicians have put together and know if you in any way alter the set up the very earth will shake and lives will be destroyed. d) You’re halfway through and frankly, you deserve a break - place pen in mouth and have a good old chew. e) Give written confirmation of continuation of Biology at A-level before proceeding. f) Now show you mean it. g) Really?? h) Oh the Madagascar Trip... i) Ok: continue to do practical. Results: Insert needed/not gained results as required. Take it that the practical worked blindly as truth and you will go far in the Biology department, my son.

fiction •

Prosecuting Prince EA

he man stood before you is a cold blooded killer, devoid of all remorse, pity or reality. He is charged with murder of sanity and the future, criminal possession of crap and intent to sell, as well as indecent assault of the minds of the young. The man before you is known to many as Prince EA, formerly of spoken word poetry fortune, who came to fame by his blatant and outright corruption of facts and fakery of the highest proportion. His logic is at best sub-par, and at worst worryingly delusional and infectious in its ability to propagate lies. For example, in his “I just sued the school system”, we see that he compares the production line of a factory with putting hands up in order to ask a question. To any sane person, it is clear that the reason hands are used are in order to prevent a landslide of answers, and thus to keep the classroom able to function. The only comparison that can be drawn in this most tenuous of analogies is the idea that this basic order will increase productivity, something that not only does this fool fail to mention, but instead concludes that this comparison is irrefutable proof that the school system has failed. Moving on to grading, apparently the school giving work and exams a letter to denote quality means they view students as the same as meat. If you would pardon a rhyme of my own,this leap of would-be logic could be seen as humorous, were it not so tumorous. It is clear from the next rambling claim that he simply does not understand that school is not a way of

crushing critical thinking or creativity, but is a way of supporting it in timetabled lessons. I could go on for days describing his failures in that video, but I must move on to others. One more of his most depraved and horrifying videos is his one concerning depression. His ignorance is, while pitiful, disturbing. Not only does he equate depression with clouds that pass through time, which in itself shows a fundamental and dangerous misunderstanding of the nature of depression, but also implies that depression is the same as any other mood, which would be hilarious, were it not so milarious. To treat a mental illness as though it were a mood, as any psychiatrist will tell you, is to say the equivalent of “Just walk off that broken leg.” What a patently ridiculous stance to take, and considering the alarming number of people following this spiel, I foresee a very real threat to the public’s health, and so I urge you to act, if not on the basis of the dangerous nature of the videos, then for the sake of the public health. So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask, nay I beg, that you see the stupidity, the arrogance, the dangerous nature of these videos: act accordingly, and condemn the blithering idiot that stands before us. I would only allow this man to be found not guilty of crimes against humanity on the basis of insanity, the evidence being his videos and outrageous statements, and thus he could be removed from the public for their safety and put in the asylum where he belongs.

school •

Teachers’ Phrasebook I have put all your names on a lollipop stick and will choose them at random I have accepted that I will never learn your names

I have printed out some reading for you to do *Hands out the first page that came up on Google which wasn’t Wikipedia*

I need to register my tutor group I want to be on my iPad in chapel

It might not be a prep night, but… Let’s be honest, you hate me anyway

We’re peer reviewing today, class We had department drinks at the Nag’s Head last night

Are we all happy bunnies? I just want to be in a research institute

Discuss the text with the person next to you I know you won’t, but I have a five pound bet you got lucky this weekend and need to know

I found a relevant film which will aid your studies I really want to watch The Godfather again

*Accidentally swears* Please think I’m cool

I know it’s [insert day] period [3,4,5,6, or 7], but we need to get some work done Do what I want, but still think I’m nice

*Deliberately swears* Seriously, I am cool.

You have a Prep DT tomorrow You’re the Prefects’ problem now

I’ve set you prep on Firefly by the way I’m too afraid of backlash to set this in person

Exams are coming up Will you please stop screaming

I don’t think Mr May will approve Not worth my job guys

We’re ahead of the department teaching plan We’re ahead of the other teachers - aren’t I amazing?

Report time is coming up Please, please, please stop attacking the boy next to you I don’t want to spoon feed you this lesson I don’t want to teach you this lesson - this stuff’s hard Here are your learning objectives today Nice to meet you, Mr Inspector I was busy marking the Upper Sixth’s work I told the Upper Sixth I was marking your work Can you lead the discussion for a bit *Goes outside to check facebook*

My last set got all A*s Except that one who didn’t Surprise test I forgot I was teaching you I think there’s been a bug around the MFL department ‘Someone’ refuses to take a sick day Does everyone want to put headphones in for this? Kendrick’s new album came out this morning

Learning prep doesn’t mean no prep Learning prep means no marking

Sport comes before music rehearsals Your conductor took the last MCR slice of cake earlier at the staff meeting

Watch my video explaining this on Vimeo I need the textbook in front of me to derive this

Welcome to your first meeting of The Martlet Nice to see you all after our lesson this morning

internet troubleshooting • Does your Internet work? Yes. Then why are you here?

I just wanted to show you my banknote collection.

No.

Are you receiving a signal?

Are you sure your router is turned on?

No.

You know what you have to do ...

Yes. Is the broadband wire plugged in?

It’s very nice

No.

Yes. Call BT tech support and demand that somone comes to fix your problem

They refuse to send anyone.

MAKE THEM

They are already here.

Once they arrive stab them in the heart with a sacrificial knife carved from obsidian and imbued with the presence of the ancient ones.

Done.

Bring the body to your router, remove the knife and pour the blood carefully from the open wound onto the router. The light on the router should now be flashing red with the intensity of a thousand dying suns. Now wait between 1-5 minutes for the response.

I don’t have one of those.

A kitchen knife should be fine

The light is still flashing and a voice seems to be saying ‘tnarg su seye’ repeatedly, louder and louder each time.

The router is still not recieving broadband.

I heard a low whispering behind me in tongues I could not comprehend. The light on my router then returned to normal and the internet seems to be working again.

I regret to tell you that your offering has not been accepted and your Internet will not be working. However, this is currently the least of your problems. If you have any loved ones nearby, evacuate them immediately. It is too late for you at this point but you might still be able to save them.

Well, I guess the problem was on your end all along. Buy a new router at your local PC hardward dealership. In retrospect you probably should have checked this earlier.

Congratulations! Also, the demon’s name is Richard. He should hopefully be gone after a couple of days. Hopefully.

fiction •

The Way We Vote

t was kind of exciting to be close to the front of the queue. I had just come in past the doorway, with about 40 or so people lined up behind me clutching posters for either of the two candidates in almost equal quantities. The venue was a grey-green town hall, with large, white voting cubicles sat all along one of the walls. Each one had a flimsy looking plastic white door with a little metal handle allowing one to open and close them. From here it didn’t look like they had locks but I didn’t imagine vote invasion was much of an issue. The doors had a flag printed on, with 3 smooth depressions in it to give the appearance of it flapping in the wind. Underneath each flag it said in big blue letters “VOTE”, as if those already inside the venue needed some more encouragement. I shuffled my feet slightly. Not such that I would move forward a measureable amount of distance but rather to satisfy my queue neighbour behind me, who had just sighed in that universal tone to mean “why isn’t this line moving?”. It felt awkward to turn around and look at him, but of the glimpses I had made he was pretty much my height, perhaps slightly shorter with grey hair, backward facing ears and thin bodied glasses. He was wearing a light brown jacket but I didn’t catch the colour of his shirt. And I could hear him speaking to the lady behind him with a kind of coarseness which I could only address to a long history of smoking and shouting. And even with these few details, I had caught myself immediately stereotyping. Based on his age, skin colour and the type of jacket he wore I had assumed that he was a certain kind of person with a certain set of opinions that I happened to disagree with. In fact, he may well have been making assumptions about me. Indeed, the only people I thought I could make a good guess on were the ones holding posters. The person in front of me was a friend of mine. I’ve known him for a while but he wasn’t much of a political person. In the couple of times where our conversation ventured into political ideas he was always the one to change the subject – and yet he was also the one who sug-

gested we head to the voting booths together. Somehow, despite me being able to come to a natural conclusion about the older man, I had no stereotype about my friend. When he steps into that room I would have no inkling which box he would tick. He walked into one of the cubicles, collecting a ballot paper from a lady dressed in exactly the same “VOTE” logo. Someone cleared out of theirs the moment my friend started walking so I rushed along, grabbing a ballot and passing the cubicle he turned right into. I opened up the door, which flapped as flimsily as it looked, and stepped over the little white step into the room. The room was small, and if I were to lift my elbow over my head the tip of it would hit the ceiling. Inside there was a black box on a black desk, lit by a light in the ceiling and in the floor. The room had no shadows. Despite the mundanity of the task ahead of me: draw a tick in one of the boxes, I could suddenly feel myself growing unsteady. I shifted from side to side in front of the desk as I felt my raised heart rate in my chest. Despite having come here with a set candidate, I was surprised by the number of options on the ballot, but realized that the vast majority of ballots would be filled option 1 or option 2. My first step out of the voting booth was a short one. Slightly dazed by the sudden sinking and change from a bright, white and claustrophobic little cubicle to the grey, cold and endless sky, I blinked a couple of times. And yet, despite having been shielded from view, from judgement and from the kaleidoscopic arrangement of facts and lies, despite being anonymized by the other 300 million votes cast by my fellow citizens – I still worried. Had I made the right decision? “Let’s go”, my friend shouted with apathetic exuberance. “Don’t you want to know what I voted?” “Who cares?” he said as he threw his arm around my shoulder.

school •

L6 Predictions of A Subject Dinner Hear the year above joking about how ‘good’ last year was, and begin to believe that it could actually go ok.

Walk into St. Helens and try to get used to the staring… and the fact that everyone looking thinks you’re a rapist.

Be hit by the realization that the year above have never actually talked to a member of the female sex apart from their mothers and become aware of the crippling embarrassment of your soul-destroying awkwardness.

Employ a confident friend as your ‘wingman’.

Attempt to talk to a girl.

Your ‘wingman’ gets off with the girl you like.

Realize that you have been accidentally wingmanning him with your awkwardness.

Girl tries to escape to talk to someone less pitifully self-conscious than you.

You follow.

Swoon in a drunken haze induced by the most wine you have ever drunk. (1 glass).

Sink to the floor for the rest of the night, trying to drown your pitiful awkwardness in your silent tears, which soak into the black tie you bought specifically for the biggest social event of your school career. Console yourself by remembering this is merely a transition period between the joys of a protected youth and the sweet release of death. And at least you’re not an invisible man...

Hide behind a sociable friend and pray they introduce you.

Feel invisible

Wish you were invisible as your ‘friend’ pretends not to know you due to your demonstration of social autism.

End up talking to your teacher about your forthcoming coursework.

Joke about how ‘good’ it was and try to make the year below believe that it could actually go ok.

Putinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Secret

t Mood Board

interview •

Desert Island Disks with Mr Windsor Following last edition’s Desert Island Discs with Miss Lusk, two of our esting how they’d all been moved several tones lower - a little grumbly? writers have gone over to chat to our new overlord. We talk Double Bass, But I thought it was great there were real arrangements of the music. Led Zeppelin and Teenage Rebellion.... 1 (of James’ House): We were robbed, by the way. 1: So where do we begin? Eight songs, your first disc. Well, I’m not going to comment. I’m not going to comment on the adjuI suppose, without wanting to go too far back, one of my first major dication. I think he made a wise choice (laughs uneasily). life-changing experiences was when I was a chorister at Bristol Cathedral, which I started when I was ten, so I wanted to choose a bit of music that meant something to me back then. I chose the Ceremony of Carols by Benjamin Britten. It triggered in me an appreciation of his music, which I still have. And it reminds me of those days as a choristerI enjoyed the camaraderie of it, because it’s such an intense experience and you spend so much time with the other choristers. We sang seven or eight services a week, so you spend an enormous amount of time with these people. And at the same time you get this incredible musical education which you don’t appreciate at all at that age, you just kind 1 : We’ll move onto song 2, in that case. of take it for granted. But you’re learning to sight read music you sing, from an enormous repertoire, and you go to amazing events as well, but As I say, I started the bass and played in a local orchestra and one of the whole time you just get on with it. It teaches you discipline as well, the pieces I particularly loved was the Brandenburg Concertos by J S because you have to do the services in the evening after school, so you Bach, especially the 4th. So that would be another of my suggestions have to get on with homework and everything else. A bit like a place it’s got a great bass part and Baroque music is quite satisfying to play like Abingdon, which is very busy and everybody’s doing other things on the double bass. You control the pace of it and the speed, so you can and you’re balancing your academic work with other activities. drive it along from the bottom. It’s good fun and it’s beautiful music to play. What I loved about music was playing in orchestras, groups and 1: Do you still sing? that social aspect. But it’s really tough, because you have to get through that level where it doesn’t sound great and you have to practice and Not really, no. I enjoy singing in chapel, and I love singing. But I think you think ‘am I making any progress?’ But breaking through it to the my voice has deteriorated over the years.I started when I was ten, but other side can just give so much pleasure in terms of playing with other my voice broke when I was quite young, about twelve and a half. It people. What was great about the double bass was that it had the same probably was parents who got me started, but I started at our local par- tuning as a bass guitar, so I could play lots of different types of music. ish church in Bristol where I grew up. So I started singing there and The double bass can play all sorts of different genres of classical music, then I was in the choir, and an opportunity to audition for the cathedral but you can also play jazz and rock. And I am going to reveal my rock choir came up. So I went for that. I played lots of music at Durham, musician part of myself? but I didn’t sing - I played the double bass. Even when I started in the church choir I started to learn instruments, so I started on the piano 2: Is music something you’ve encouraged your children to pursue? and the cello. But what I always really wanted to play was the double Fortunately they enjoy music as well. My wife was a singer and studied bass. My parents took me to a concert when I was quite young and took singing in Italy, and so music is very much part of our lives. Fortunately me to the front at the end and the double basses were packing away, both girls have inherited that, although they don’t practice as much as and I think I was impressed by their sheer size and bulk. And my older they should. Both discovered the ukulele, which they are much more sister was learning the violin and I wanted to do the opposite of her, so interested in. I chose the biggest possible instrument. But I was too small, so I was put on the cello. It was my dual existence that led to me playing the 2: So you met your wife in Italy, then? double bass. I was due to audition for the youth orchestra on the cello but I had injured my wrist playing rugby that afternoon, which was my In the first part of my gap year I worked in an insurance company in great love growing up, so I was unable to audition. But I said ‘well, ac- Bristol to make a bit of money, and then I worked in a boarding school tually I prefer the double bass anyway.’ So they arranged for me to have in Germany for about three months as an Assistant House Tutor, which some lessons, because they had filled the cello place, and that really was quite interesting. Then I just spent some time travelling around became my instrument of choice. Europe, and then went off to Durham. I didn’t meet my wife until my last year, when I came back from my year abroad - so I had a year in 2: What did you make of the annual shouting match that is house singing? Germany - and I had been playing in a jazz group at Durham, and I came back and they said ‘oh, we’ve found this great singer.’ And that Well, I was actually pleasantly surprised by the quality. I was expecting singer was my wife. We weren’t together in the last year of Durham but it to be more shouting. I thought the people conducting and directing we played music together, and it was great. She got all the attention as did an absolutely fantastic job, because that is a really difficult thing to a singer, and I was at the back. Quite rightly. do. Especially the first year, he was astonishing. I thought it was inter-

‘I am going to reveal my rock musician part of myself.’

2: Do you still go to Italy?

cessful gigs in local church halls. And we did write some of our own music - I was at home and came across some lyrics that I’d written and they were so appalling I had to hide them before anyone in my family came across them, because they were terrible. So we wrote some bad rock songs. I went on to play jazz later on, and the great thing about that is you can pick and choose things from different genres and influences and mix it all together. So I think that helped open my ears up so I can appreciate lots of different types of music - music that some people find challenging. Not everybody enjoys listening to jazz - my family don’t enjoy listening to jazz. But things which people find quite discordant or difficult I quite like.

Not as often as I’d like to. I haven’t been for a while actually. We did have a fantastic holiday with the children when we went to North Eastern Italy and had some time in Venice - that was a great holiday. But we actually lived in Bologna and I would really recommend it to anyone to go and visit. It’s got a kind of medieval, renaissance centre with quite a modern city all round the city walls. But it’s famous for its food. The food is superb. Great wine. Bologna was always very famous as a leftwing city as well, so politically active too. Just a really interesting place to live. And the Italian lifestyle is really attractive; they know how to live. I certainly think the Italians really take the time to appreciate the 2: So music and languages are your two prime interests, with rugby good things in life. They appreciate food, friendship, the environment, lurking. Did you discover that at the same time as you discovered muthey make sure they have the time to enjoy all that. I think we in the sic? UK have become quite a pressurised and stressed society and actually I think we can be a very target driven society. I would love to see more of that Italian approach in British society. 1: Do you think Modern Languages are taught well? I think languages have been quite badly served by the GCSE, which is very transactional. It’s all about booking rooms in youth hostels or hotels, or incredibly self referential - all about your holidays, family and school. It becomes more interesting at A Level where you find out more about the culture. It’s watching films, reading books, reading magazines that lets you really get an understanding. And that’s really exciting - getting to understand another culture, another mindset, another approach to life. So I think at Abingdon the number of trips is really exciting. I think it’s always been part of the way Latin is taught, doing the background right from the start, that’s really rewarding and a great way into the language. 1: Disc 3? At the same time as playing classical, I played rock. There are few things that beat the experience of playing guitars really loudly with your friends, so it’s hard to narrow down. I listened to a lot of rock in my adolescence, so I’m struggling to narrow it down. I think I would have to go with Rock and Roll by Led Zeppelin. It’s got a great bass riff, and it sums up that adrenaline rush of playing music. And teenage rebellion. 1: Says Mr ‘the-choir-is-good-because-it-teaches-you-discipline’.

‘It’s got a great bass riff, and it sums up that adrenaline rush of playing music. And teenage rebellion.’

Yeah, at primary school I loved playing football and sport generally, but at secondary school we played rugby and I just enjoyed it. I think the team ethic was really powerful for me, and the camaraderie is really powerful. Rugby suited me because, if I’m honest, my hand-eye coordination isn’t brilliant, so I could compensate by running around a lot and tackling a lot. I played flanker. So I was able to compensate with enthusiasm for my weaknesses. But I enjoyed sport - tennis, swimming. I try to keep it up. I try to run and cycle and swim when I can, and I do still enjoy being outdoors. If I’m stuck indoors all day I go a bit crazy. I’ve really enjoyed watching the rugby here and they’re doing really well. They have some very talented players. But I think it’s really important that there are opportunities for people to find the sport they enjoy and love, and that is a strength of Abingdon. The rugby is really strong, but there are people enjoying lots of different sports. Lots at a very high level, but many just playing for enjoyment. And I hope that everyone leaves Abingdon with an enjoyment of physical exercise, so it’s not something they dread but something that suits them. I think one of the advantages of being a large school is that in each year group you have lots of different types of people, and so you can develop into the type of person you want to be. You’re likely to find people with similar interests, not just rugby or rowing. It might be music or drama or writing or debating, but there are an enormous number of outlets.

It’s bizarre. I had these parallel existences, playing classical music in the morning. Rehearsing Bach. Then I’d meet up with some friends in the scout hut- (1: Classy.) -to practice rock music. And at the same time 2: Right, shall we go onto four? playing rugby and sport as well. It was busy, but I’ve always enjoyed being busy. But it was quite a hard time. So I have a bit more rock here, a bit of The Smiths. I would go for a song called Hand in Glove by The Smiths. They were very popular in the 80s, and I suppose they were quite poetic in their lyrics. A bit alternative to mainstream pop, and they inspired a very loyal following. There’s another song called The Headmaster Ritual, which I feel I ought to choose. It starts with the line ‘belligerent ghouls run Manchester schools’ which I think is quite good. So I fell in love with The Smiths. By and large I’m more interested in the music than the lyrics. But Morrissey had a particular approach to lyrics which I enjoyed. 1: Was it just other people’s music, or did you compose anything? I thought Bob Dylan’s Nobel Prize was interesting - I quite like Bob Dylan, a few of his that I like. I don’t think that he’s such a great poet I played in a teenage band called Heads of State. We played a few unsuc- that he should win a Nobel Prize for Literature. I feel there are better

‘She got all the attention as a singer, and I was at the back. Quite rightly.’

writers out there, better poets. Some of his writing is brilliant - it rede- I’m not a fan of that at all. But bluegrass is more original and earthy, and fined Pop music and made it serious, made people think about lyrics in I quite like it still. Maybe discovering that, doing the Appalachian Trail. a different way. 2: So I’m intrigued - you’ve gone from this rugby-playing, music-artist 2: When you travel, do you enjoy trying other music? traveller to being a headmaster. Is there some link I’m missing? I have only really travelled in Europe recently, since we had children. But I’ve been to India, Turkey, Pakistan. I really enjoyed discovering the music, I find that really exciting. I went to Morocco and enjoyed the chance to go out and find local music. In Morocco it’s quite percussion based, and their harmonic system is quite different to Western music. Rather than arranging it by semitones and tones they have quarter tones. It sounds quite alien- it’s worth listening to. But if I’m honest, I don’t really sit at home and put on some Moroccan music. In Marrakech they have this big square that really comes to life at night. There are restaurants, and stalls to buy food, And then they have storytellers, snake charmers, and musicians. A great place to wander round and just soak up the music. It’s one of the things I used to really love about travelling.

‘I played in a teenage band called Heads of State. We played a few unsuccessful gigs in local church halls.’ 2: So where’s next on your places to go?

Well, I suppose I enjoyed school, and I got on with my work - maybe I didn’t work as hard as I could have done. I was never really a rebel, I was fairly well behaved. But at the same time I had an interest in countercultural currents, so I found myself moving between different genres. But in a sense that’s what a school like Abingdon is about. I never intended to go into teaching, I was fairly well behaved, I enjoyed my work. I always just tried to be enthusiastic about the things that I did. 2: So when did you start teaching? I always said I was never going to become a teacher, because my father was a university lecturer and my mother was a teacher. So I was steeped in education, and I went through school and university saying that the one thing I would never do was become a teacher. And then in Italy I was teaching English as a foreign language, and I realised I really love teaching, especially teaching young people. And so it became an obvious career path. So I came back from Italy and got my PGCE in London then got a job teaching in London. Then I was Deputy Head of School in Guildford, then I got the job at Blue Coat. And then Abingdon. 1: What is it about teaching that you enjoy?

It’s really exciting seeing young people develop, and being part of that Ooh, good question. I’d like to go to Sub Saharan Africa because I hav- journey- this sounds a bit X-factor- of a first year pupil through to their en’t been there. And I’d love to go to Southeast Asia. Vietnam. Cambodia. leaving school. It’s a time of such extraordinary change from each puThailand. Actually, thinking about it, I would love to go to Myanmar. It pil - seeing that happen and being part of that is really exciting and resounds fascinating. And my wife’s father grew up there - his father was warding. Also, because I was so involved in the wider life of the school, Vicar of Rangoon, which is quite exciting. They were Indian originally, sport and music, I think seeing people take part in that and enjoy that is but he grew up in Rangoon and then came over to the UK later. Rediscov- really exciting. So I was thrilled when Abingdon came up as a possible ering roots is quite interesting. And it’s only just opening up. school. And it’s fascinating to compare it with my own children. It’s interesting being responsible for a large number of people going through 1: What do you look for in a place to go to? the school, then you go home and you have your own children and their own issues and seeing it on the other side. Fascinating, actually. I suppose it is about culture, and trying to understand. Somewhere where there is a really interesting sense of culture. I love being in Europe, but I also like that extra sense of adventure travelling somewhere more alien. That sense of discovery. My whole family haven’t been anywhere that far yet. We went to Canada recently, which is a long way away but it’s convenient and they make life very easy for you out there. I think they have adventurous spirit though.

‘I got to know some Americans, and I played in a bluegrass band with them.’

1: And what is your fifth record? So one of the more bizarre things I did when I went to Italy was to play in two different bands - so I discovered two new strands of music. Firstly, I got to know some Americans, and I played in a bluegrass band with them. I was playing country music, in a rather peculiar turn of events, in Italy. And a song which captures this time for me, fairly obscure, is Man of Constant Sorrow by the Stanley Brothers. It’s a bluegrass classic - and it reflects how surreal it was to travel around Italy playing all of this country music, which I had no cultural connection to. But it was great fun. It was a bit leftof-field, and I must admit that I don’t listen to that much country music now. 1: So there’s no temptation to go out to the USA? Well of course country music can be very easily commercialised, and

2: And your sixth record, please. So when I was in Italy I also played lots of Jazz, and that’s the type of music I really love and listen to a lot. And if there were one track I had to choose, it’d be Freedom Jazz Dance by Miles Davis which he played in the sixties. He started out in the late forties, played through the fifties then led this great quintet in the sixties. But one of the things I really like about Miles Davis is that his music is constantly changing and evolving, which makes him quite interesting as an artist. Because he had a lot of commercial success at the start of his career, and he could quite easily have just continued to play in that style for the rest of his life, but he kept changing and evolving. And his audiences were often saying ‘what is this music? Why is he playing this music?’ It completely confused them. But I quite like that sense of exploration and trying things differently all the time. I think he was an awful human

being - I read his autobiography and it was one of those books you’re disappointed to read. But an amazing musician. I think I’m able to detach the individual from the music. Some of the music is very sensitive and beautiful, and then you read how greedy he was and how poorly he treated people, but somehow you separate that out. I think a lot of artists have to be incredibly single-minded to achieve success, even self-possessed and selfish. 2: Is this true of your seventh artist? This reflects having daughters who are fourteen and twelve, and at the moment they’re very into 21 Pilots - have you heard of them? I have to listen to quite a lot of their music on various journeys and around the house, and I have to admit to quite liking it. There’s a song called Migraine by 21 Pilots, and I secretly quite like it. And if I were on a desert island, it would make me think of them in their current phase. You talked about watching them develop, but seeing them develop their own taste in music...

‘Well, I suppose I enjoyed school.’ 2: But you didn’t want to be a musician? I was very tempted, and I thought seriously about taking the bass up professionally. But I had a broad range of interests - I liked sport and I was interested in other things as well. I think music might have been too narrow for me, and I probably wanted a career where I could do lots of different things as well. If I hadn’t gone into teaching, I think music would have been tempting. 1: You didn’t want to… teach music?

Good point. But again I loved languages, and I didn’t study music. I 1: So there’s not a little bit of you wishing they were listening to some didn’t even do music to O-level, always as an extra-curricular activity. Miles Davis? It never quite felt like the main route for me even though I loved doing it. I thought very seriously about it, but even at school I realised that I When they’re a bit younger, and a bit more pliant, you can try. ‘Look didn’t really want to commit to a career in music. at this! Isn’t this great?’ But I think it’s important they discover their own tastes and their own likes. There’s a part of me that hopes they 1: So putting music aside now - on the desert island you get the Commight return. But you choose music which your parents can’t abide, but plete Works of Shakespeare and one other book - what will it be? they’ve had some influence on me. I think the family are settling in well here. Both my daughters are at SHSK and loving it - they enjoyed the Well, this is difficult. I love reading and I am a keen reader, so I’d Abingdon Fair… a lot more than I did. But... need a long book to keep me occupied on my island. So I would opt for a book called Doktor Faustus by Thomas Mann, who was a German twentieth century author. It’s an interesting novel. It’s linked to music again, and it’s all about the creative process - it’s about a composer who sells his soul to the devil in exchange for genius. It’s written with lots of parallels with the historical situation at the time, because it’s based in the 20s and 30s in Germany. So all about history, and the creative process and it’s really long. And difficult. So it would be a good one.

‘I thought seriously about taking the bass up professionally.’

2: We’ll leave that there, and ask for your final tune, then?

1: When did you come across this novel?

So my final choice is a symphony I played with the National Youth Orchestra (NYO) on the double bass. And we played a piece of music by the French composer called The Turangalila Symphony by Olivier Messiaen. And it’s this HUGE piece of music, and the NYO is a very big orchestra, maybe twelve double basses, and the orchestra creates this enormous sound. The NYO do this prom every summer, and we did this in the Royal Albert Hall, and we were conducted by Mark Elder, who is now Sir Mark Elder and he is conductor of the Hallé Orchestra in Manchester. But at the time he conducted the Royal Opera House. He was an amazing conductor, full of energy and love of the music. It’s modern music, and at first I thought ‘what is this?’ It sounded quite random and didn’t work for me at all, but by working on the music and spending time practising with this amazing conductor it became a piece of music I really loved.

I discovered this one at university, but I didn’t really understand it at all. Though I wrote some essays about it. But I read it again in my early thirties, so I think it’s one of those books to come back to every ten years or so.

1: How did playing at the Royal Albert Hall effect you?

2: And what would you one luxury be? Well, I was thinking I should take my double bass. But the double bass on it’s own... I think a piano. I did learn the piano when I was younger, but I was pretty lousy. And it would be quite good to practise it. I could channel my jazz! But a bit of sheet music would be appreciated as well. 1: And we’re also going to offer you a film to take too - what would it be?

Well, I love Apocalypse Now, I think it’s a great film. But it’s quite bleak. But then, I can’t think of any films that are uplifting… I love The confidence that you get from playing on that stage - you come off the Lives of Others, the one in East Germany. I tell you what, a film I the stage at the end with such a high. It gives you the confidence to really love which would cheer me up.. Actually, Cyrano de Bergerac take on different things, really. It just gave me the confidence to take has a sad ending too... I mean, there are funny bits, but… Maybe I’d on a challenge, and that is allied to discipline. We worked really hard have to watch a sad film then cheer myself up with a bit of ragtime on because it’s such a challenging piece to play. So that’s a useful life les- the piano. Actually … Monty Python and the Holy Grail. That would son. Not that I thought about it at the time. make me laugh.

fiction • Antics

t’s a cold day in June - or at least lower than you’d expect. Many people are walking, minding their own business, speaking amongst one another. Planning for weddings, birthday, get-togethers, walking. No one suspects anyone. All is well here. All forms of biodiversity are content with what is and what is not. Everything goes about their miscellaneous activities with no trouble. Elsewhere a child is being murdered. No one will hear about it. No one will remember the one who dies, or the ones who kill. After that moment, all will be as it was. The victim’s family will be swiftly over their mourning, and in two or fewer days, they will have forgotten him. No records, no pictures, and no memories. That’s why things work well in this place - all of the bad things that have happened or will happen will never be recorded by anyone. Those murderers will be dealt with and, like the victim, they’ll be forgotten. This sort of lifestyle would be appalling to some, and agreeable to others. No one can complain though. No one has any complaints. No wage gap, no disability, equality. Power throughout the entire world. All of the around - 12,000,000,000 who live here are content.

These sorts of things are the worst case scenarios. They happen infrequently, perhaps once every 9 months. An easy thing to correct. It’s a good thing that no one will notice, remember or hear about this, or entire countries could revolt simultaneously. This cold weather is odd, though. June and well below average temperature. It’s even raining. We’re near the equator. Who know’s what the cause of this is. Who cares? No one seems phased by it, they’ve all got umbrellas, or raincoats. There is no need to care about this. … So why do I? Why do I care? This shouldn’t bother me. I’m above this. Everyone is. What is this? I don’t know what this is… How did I know about that murder, or any others that have happened? No one else does. Why me? I don’t like this… Not one bit... Is this emotion?

school •

Due to the outcry for more copies of Words and That, the school must make hard cuts in its long term economic plan to raise revenue for our printing budget, hitting the following areas. Mr James’ hairwax Come on; any man who spends that much time on his looks doesn’t spend enough time on his lesson plans. No hairwax, no problem. Spotlights for Ms Lusk’s portrait Who needs them? Her legacy itself illuminates the school. And` monochrome light… on cerise clothes… No.

Starve the chameleon Because flies are expensive. The MUN tie Because you’re not Ban-ki Moon, no matter how many Best Delegate Awards you win. Having two Head Boys So the power struggles don’t tear the school apart.

Ms Lusk’s portrait ...

The Abingdon Hymn It’s not that good really.

Food for First years They’re already taller than all of us anyway.

Rowers. Because we don’t want to encourage that sort of thing…

Assistant Chaplain Because this town ain’t big enough for the both of them.

Chapel service programmes Just guess. It’ll be more fun.

Martlet, Polyglot... Because this town ain’t big enough for the both of them. Teacher lanyards Because anything that makes you stare at a teacher’s chest can’t be a good thing. Language assistants Because the actual modern language teachers should be able to speak the language themselves.

The Economics Department They’d understand the need for budget cuts better than anyone else. Mr Jenkins’ Yoda collection The Force is with him anyway. Scrap metal science sculpture I mean, we got it from a scrap metal dump… they might give us a refund. Mr Simmons’ filming equipment Because Mr Pritchard is the only YouTuber in this school.

On reflection, we will simply raise school fees

school •

Abingdon Life According to Star Wars Judge me by my size do you? -1st Years to Mr Broadbent And these blast points, too accurate for sandpeople Try not. Do or do not… there is no try

-CCF

-Mr Broadbent to first years

Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine -3rd Year in a prep DT I am altering the deal...pray I don’t alter it further You must do what you feel is right of course That’s no moon…it’s a space station The Force is strong with this one

-Mr Middleton to any pupil he teaches

-Mr O’Doherty advising people not to apply to Cambridge

-Mr Swarbrick on the new science centre

-Mr Stinton to an IT helper

When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master You’ve failed me for the last time Admiral No…..I am your Father

-Mr Ghosh to Mr Fishpool

-Mr Dawswell to Miss Lusk

-Rev. Steer to Calum

review •

Jello from the Other Side

atagwan rudeboi? In case school lunch just isn’t enough, two of our writers will be reviewing the Abingdon establishments and culinary experiences with the utmost detail, taking you with us flavour by flavour. Let’s get started because miso hungry. Suh dud! Our first visit was to Bella Napoli; not the sort of place you expect to find behind a Poundland. The place was friendly, had fabulous food and was fairly priced. I had a pizza (slice slice baby) and my dearest colleague had the delectable parma ham penne pasta topped with fresh, crisp basil that was delicately positioned on the top. Not only was it a meal, it was a work of art. The atmosphere was only further enhanced by Mozart’s 4th symphony playing in the background; the ambiance was almost as charming as the food. Fabulous wine from Le Lot en France and in particular the local vodka was very good! I believe it originated from the westerly region of Russia. I would recommend the vodka with fresh north sea plaice and the wine with a cultured slice of brie, due to the zesty and crisp citrusy undertones .

Bella Napoli where’ve you bean all my life! After such a successful visit, we decided to heed the advice of Tripadvisor. So the following week we headed to The White Hart: the number one ranked restaurant in Abingdon. However it’s glowing reputation was ultimately an unadulterated lie, so we went to Mcdonalds instead (after leaving a stern review). In Mcdonald’s I had a chicken legend, because you are what you eat; whereas my esteemed colleague opted for some nuggets for the same reason. Fortunately our chips were crisp and hot (which is not the case in many other Mcdonald’s e.g. Newbury). In combination with this, our refreshing cool beverages hit the spot after a long day of house singing with squad. Max used the convenient nandos starter pack to the right as a way to blend in and make some friends. Surprisingly he was subsequently punched in the face after having been called a “pleb”, a “wasteman”, and a “waste of space” by an aggressive young man who nicknamed himself ‘smiffy boi’ who played consistent grime and house music on Soundcloud.

review • Thrillers

he Machinist has everything you would expect from a psychological thriller. It has a bleak and grey atmosphere, a lurking sense of fear, a lonely insomniac as a main character, along with textbook pathetic fallacy. The film in fact starts in the middle of the night in the pouring rain – a dangerously thin Trevor Reznik (Christian Bale) lugs a tightly rolled carpet towards a muddy river, a pair of feet just poking out from the top. This scene sets a precedent of unexplained actions and occurrences throughout the film, allowing the watcher to be sucked into the madness and confusion that the film is trying to portray. The pace of this film is very good with scenes of high excitement interjecting longer periods of the plot during which the atmosphere can only be described as creepy or unsettling: I can’t remember a more shocking image in a film than that of a hand spinning on the spike of a drill machine

hutter Island is one of the better-known films on our marathon and it is no coincidence. Its basic premise is that of an army veteran, now detective, who has been sent to the ominous Shutter Island prison to investigate the seemingly impossible escape of one of its prisoners. As with most of the films on this list, it soon transpires there is something else afoot and the watcher slowly learns more (or suspects they’ve learnt more) right up to the final lines before the screen goes black and the credits roll. With a big name cast including Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo (playing Teddy, a Federal Marshall, and Chuck, his partner, respectively) along with Martin Scorsese (of Goodfellas, Taxi Driver and Wolf of Wall Street fame) combining to create a superb Psychological Thriller/ Horror, it is hugely captivating and unsettling. It

he Silence of the Lambs centres around the young, ambitious FBI agent Clarice Starling’s hunt for a serial killer named Buffalo Bill, who is on the loose. In order to do this Starling is sent to gain any information that she can from Dr. Hannibal Lecter: a brilliant, but insane psychiatrist, who is also a serial killer known as Hannibal the Cannibal. In order to get any information, Starling must gain Hannibal’s trust, by engaging in his dangerous mind games. This film is rightfully considered as one of the greatest in the overcrowded ‘cop vs. killer’ genre, due to its fascinating storyline and characters, and the acting and directing behind them. Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins are

within the chaos of Trevor’s factory. It is the juxtaposition between these two sides of the film – the horrific and the more subtle paranoia – that keeps me so enthralled and on edge throughout. There is a feeling in the final half an hour or so that everything is beginning to unravel towards a revelation of an ending; however whilst the ending is clever, bringing together various strands of the plot nicely, I am left a little disappointed as the horror of ‘that’ scene in the factory was never bettered as the movie came to an end. Nevertheless despite not having a stunning ending in the type of Shutter Island or Fight Club, the experience of watching this hugely engaging thriller more than made up for it as I can’t think of a film that has instilled the same sort of underlying tension into me in a way similar to The Machinist. It is for this reason that I think the Machinist is a great psychological thriller, not necessarily the plot or action. achieves this sense of horror not through gore and SFX but by building suspense and utilising the setting of the gothic island prison to great effect. I am glad to have seen all the films on this list but I could not say that I necessarily want to watch all of them again simply due to the psychological stress that they place you under; this is not true for me of Shutter Island as it strikes a superb balance between a hugely engaging plot and the disturbing/horrific nature of the premise. Depending on what you are hoping for from these films, this could be good or bad: whilst we were still debating the final twist minutes after the film had ended, it did not leave me feeling actively disturbed and affected as some of the others on this list – looking at you Machinist. In conclusion this film is a must see, even if just for debate with fellow viewers and others in the future. faultless in the portrayal of their characters, and the Director (Jonathan Demme) does a fantastic job creating tension and anxiety within the audience, as he keeps them guessing exactly what is at play. One of the film’s many strengths is character development, particularly the development of the relationship between Dr. Lecter and Agent Starling. The audience watches as the two become ever closer in a bizarre exchange that is not unlike two friends sharing secrets, with both of them learning more and more about one another each time they meet. ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ is a disturbing film filled with fascinating characters. It is a timeless physiological thriller that I would thoroughly recommend watching.

poetry • Based on a True Story…

Nurses

‘A nurse’, my father told me ‘Is a lucky man indeed – - Not because he’s paid well Or helps those that are in need; Or the grisly tales to tell And the chance to take the lead.’

I saw you bathed in the bleached lamplight You who patched and mended me Fixed me with a smile every night I saw you in the bleached lamplight You worked diligently, with all of your might You were the only one I could see I saw you bathed in the bleached lamplight You who patched and mended me

‘It’s because, my son…’ He makes it clear ‘You’ll be the only one.’ I ask him, ‘one of what?’ He snaps A man, my darling son.’ ‘Five hundred women! All of them yours! And sprightly and charming’ – he pauses – ‘what fun! The practice of medicine is damned exasperating So of these fine ladies make sure none are kept waiting You’ll fall in love with them, one after the other And that is how I met your mother.’

Ode to Saviours They were Margaret’s saviours They took it in their stride As the doctors moved from ward to ward They stayed there by her side. Behind the scenes still working They took no praise or pride Only they saw her spirit brought low And held her while she cried. I was only Margaret’s grandson, But they had a dozen kin And they could take all selfishness And throw it in the bin. Three months on she’s back again The hospital her final home When the others put her case to rest They made sure she was never alone. And her hope had never left her She wept, “Don’t let me, sir…” I was only Margaret’s grandson. But they were her saviours.

Inspired by conversations with a nurse in Stafford Hospital. I could sit and watch for hours As the hands of the clock Traced the arc of the sun Outside – if it was still there. Neither of us had checked. As the rain came in through drips From heavy blanket clouds To feel the blue glove tunic And gaze at bedspread sunsets Tucked over mattress hills. To listen to curtain rail gunfire in the distance – Rolling fire of hypodermic mosquitoes That made me itch. It felt like growing old – To trace the embryo memories of the mop bucket lakes on the creaking peninsula in the centre of which he lay. No wonder he was scared. No wonder he screamed At one o’clock in the morning. The others asked to move. No one wants a battlefield operation Unless they have to. Like me – Collecting newly sweated dirt From fifty year battlefields In damp paper towels. He was discharged on my birthday. I had got the day off. So I never saw him walk free – Which seemed a shame. After being witness To everything else.

Tripping

Friend of A Thousand Kin

My back rests on crumbling paintwork, My foot on uneven bricks, My mind’s lost among the leaf piles, My thoughts among the sticks.

She nursed me when I was a little boy. She stood with them: parents, doctors, priests. Through whatever my illness did deploy; Till we quelled the nature of the beast. Dressed in blue, but blue she did not feel, For there was still a chance for me to heal.

The bus winds its way through twisting streets, As we work our way ‘twards home; I don a rustling, faded coat, And walk away alone. I walk from cracked old pavements, And arrive at sliding mud. The wind like the shadow’s breathing The rain the shadow’s blood. Branches stretch with aching sinews Darkening the leaves beneath, The leaves dim from gold to crimson As the sun dips behind the heath. I climb the rutted tractor-tracks And pass a rotting bench. The rain drips down my sweater The shirt beneath is drenched. I see the silhouetted road, Headlights shard the darkness thick But my mind’s lost among the leaf piles, My thoughts among the sticks.

The long, labyrinth path to our death I walk around every corner, Cold, dark unknown. I hear cries: my victim? My killer? I am hunted, I am afraid. I run, I walk, no relief. He will find me, He will kill him and I scorn that, Yet he must to survive himself. I crouch down, lest he sees me. I do not think I can survive much longer. I am the victim who they fear. I am the Minotaur. By David TJF

Inspired by them each passing year I made that simple choice, To join those like her And with a softness, a delicacy of voice, Help those of us that fray Within the echoes of our days... And then I watched the tears of those around her fall For now it’s me that stands beside her bed; Standing, caring tenderly withal, Holding a hand to her aching head. She leaves us now, with a little grin The mother and friend of a thousand kin.

Glorious Workers’ Council of Editors: Archie ‘Omega Male’ Williams Blake ‘A Bandit’ Jones Jonah ‘Daddy Cool’ Walker Sam ‘Spreadsheet Anarchist’ Farrar Hysan ‘That Cannot Be Published’ Woo Edward ‘Sikkk man of Europe’ Turner-Fussell Giles ‘Manstratton Cocktail’’ Stratton Robby ‘The Silent Whisper’ Allen

Piers ‘Louis’ Brosnan Jonny ‘The Father, The Son and The Closet Racist’ Hitchens Iwan ‘Illegal Jumper’ Stone Alex ‘Lost Hair’ Chapman Suleman ‘I’ll kill you with a spork’ Irshad Byron ‘Goliath’ Langley Kit Mannix

Art and Illustration: Iwan Stone

Design and Editing: Blake Jones

Special Thanks To:

Duracell Bridgeworth Old McYarrow had a job (EIEIO) ‘Mummy’ Vickers