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diassociation. i. somedays i wake up in an Other body. can’t tell if that is ‘can’t accept this is my body’ but i hope i love it. i live here often. too often to continue feeling distant to it. somedays i wake up? i’m another body. can’t tell if that is ‘can’t accept this is as real’ but i hope i kill it. i loathe too often. too often to continue feeling distance gain. somedays I SCARE EASY. i’m no Body. hadless horseman ‘can’t tell’ if that is real. it’s not. but i hope. i love. I SCARE here often. too often to talk to the wall all night. somedays i wake up. body. tell. accept. love. live. continue. feel. sometimes nothing happens. who got the keys. wear are we going wear do you come from.

diassociation. ii. a small list of people i still don’t know are real or not: stephanie catherine joseph andrew name abstra ellie brian nathan scott alex name abstra antoni charles name abstra ron devorah name abstra name abstra uncle benny name abstra name abstra name abstra

cted

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maybe if i was sure i could talk about dead people all the time.

states of paranoia. iii. yes i know where you have been. i must keep tabs. this is not okay. but it’s what i do these days. check in on the checkless. make sure you are following suit and where i expect and need you to be. don’t drift off that path! please don’t make me fear you are watching. sometimes i go for walks and hide beneath masculine faces to make sure i don’t think anyone who knows me will recognize the monster walking. or struggling to strut. she’s got big thighs. she’s got big mighty being. she’s scared. i know it.

states of paranoia. iv. i like you. a lot. i love you. a lot. i feel buts o m e t i m e s i d o n ’ t f e e l -other times leave ringing. r i n g w h o w i l l c l e a n u p a f t e r r i n g r i n g w h o w i l l h a v e t o c a l l t h e r i n g a m b u l a n c e o r t h e c o p s t o r i n g r i n g r i n g t h e c r i m e s c e n e . p l e a s e r i n g d o n ’ t l e t i t b e m y m o m r i n g r i n g r i n g r i n g b u r y m e u n d e r t h e w r o n g r i n g n a m e i n a t u x f a c e m a d e u p , r i n g r i n g r i n g p e r f e c t l y , r i n g b e a u t i f u l . r i n g r i n g i would love to be that for you

loss and isolation. v. here are some examples of excerpts of notes i didn’t commit to: sorry about this. i love you, though. hi my name is name abstracted and i was wondering what positons you were hiring for? you only text me when you’re high. i want to see your cancerous body peeling off the pavement. talk to me again? i miss you. hi! that’s so exciting! hey, what he did was wrong and the language you are using is heavy. that’s totally valid. fuck you, dad! i identify as a faggot. okay i lied i haven’t gone all the way through ever. so what? please stop pushing all your problems on me. do you still hate me? i think you should love somebody else. you can’t love me like that. you were wrong. i was wrong. no, i don’t understand, isn’t that beautiful? i want to see you again; heaven or hell, godwilling.

loss and isolation. vi. who is the next dead girl i know her not by name someti mes when you don’t have a g ood one y’know you just don ’t get it together & fall a part some weakens feel do w orse than others sometimes you scratch at your wrists still you teenager you wann a be loved good girl so scr atch those wrists til the s kin cakes into a new skin t here are hopeful and holist ics & no other way of being sometimes suicide is all th at feels there. so often suicide at feels there. s s s s

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