Mixed-Up Mayhem

MIXED-UP MAYHEM Written by: Judee Kriselle Rallos, Benson Yu, Joshua Uyheng (with special appearances from: Franz Nicholson Cimafranca, Joo Yeon “Cherry” Nam, Victor Dominic Yap, Clark Alexander Ong, Stacey Danica Gosiaco) Compiled by: Joshua Uyheng

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NOTE FROM THE COMPILER: Most of the characters in this story, if not all, are not our own, but we certainly found a home in them. Sometimes, I would like to think that they found a home with us too. They did not get along perfectly all the time, in this world that we’ve decided to throw them rather carelessly into, but I would also like to think that with time they found ways to grow into each other, finding some semblance of grudging respect for each other—if not affection, if not family.

To my fellow writers, we did not always get along perfectly, and it has probably been months (maybe even years) since we’ve spoken to each other the way we once did while working on this piece. I would never make callous predictions or demands as to say that I wish we could go back, if I knew I didn’t mean it. But I can say that, for a time, this story was more than just a piece of crumpled paper we passed around during lunch breaks or in class when we thought the teacher wasn’t looking. My wish for you is that, as you read this story we wrote together, once upon a time, you find some trace of that home we built in each other—if not a world, if not love.

To the readers (who are more than likely to be the same people anyway), thank you. In behalf of my fellow writers, I hope these characters find a home in you.

I wish we could go back.

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CHAPTER ONE: In the Beginning Ellen & Edgar: Hey, Nod’s Limbs! We’re Edgar and Ellen!

Miles: And I’m Miles Knightleigh…

Ellen: Stay back… I have a black-belt in eye-poking!

Pet: Ak… Ach… Akh… Ano? Ellen: Pet can type? He only has an eyeball!

Charles Ogden: I made you all with my imagination! And I say: Pet can type!

Miles: Ok… Ellen: Sorry, Mr. Ogden. But still, I like eye-poking.

Zac Efron: Wow, people are acting like book-characters. It’s the start of something new!

Ashley Tisdale: Hey, Zac! Wanna go to the beach? V is coming!

Miles: Hey! Who are you people?

Ellen: Great. More movie stars. What’s next? Aliens? Or even worse… Blake Glide!

Anne Frank: Guys, what are you doing here? Let’s go back to Amsterdam! You promised to sing to the Gestapo!

Charles Ogden: Get out of this story!

Mr. Van Daan: But they let me come in here!

Mrs. Frank: You stole the bread! Get out!

Miles: Are these CRAZY people?

Clover: Like, eww! What are you wearing??? You have absolutely no fashion sense!

That’s so un-fabulous!

Ellen: Does anyone even have a specific topic here? What are you all doing in the Edgar & Ellen book? Oh, and Anne Frank, you’re supposed to be dead by now…and yeah, to tell you “frank-ly,” your diary sucks!

Anne Frank: Humph! I’m going back to the concentration camp! And I’ll eat Peter!

Clover: Like, what’s with the cannibalism? That is so like, eww!

Red Riding Hood: Ah! It’s the big bad cannibal, FRANK-ANNE-STEIN! Peter: Help! Ahh! ANNE’S CHASING ME LIKE A MONSTER!!! Ouch! My arm! Ouch!

My other arm! Ouch! My (thinking) …leg!

Ellen: At least you can put on a peg leg now… Miles likes that.

Miles: Yeah! Hargh!

Sam: Hey, Clover! What are you doing here? We’re supposed to go shopping…and you didn’t even start on your chemistry assignment yet!

Clover: Uhh… Ok, let’s—uhm—go!

Courage (the Cowardly Dog): Ahh! Cannibals! Pirates! ELLEN!!!

Charles Ogden: GET OUT! Augustus Nod: Ellen, as a founder of the town, I command you to poke Clover’s eyes!

Those…those pretty eyes~ <3 <3 <3 Edgar: Operation Whiplash—go! (throws a noodle; throws a siopao; uses noodle for a whip; throws Anne Frank) Clover: Ekk! Now my eyes are ruined! I am so outta here! (To Sam: How can I pick the right dress?)

Anne Frank: Weee! I’m flying without wings!!! Ouch!

Ellen: This world has gone baloots!

T. Medora: Ano ang ibig-sabihin ng—oops! Wrong world!

5 T. Razo: How many Newton does it take to hurl Anne Frank?

Ellen: What are you doing here? I hate science…except botany. Mr. Ogden, I think we should knock out all of these other people… They’re interrupting the Edgar & Ellen story!

(Operation Blowstink!: goes to the nearest windmill; gets all the manure she needs… soon everyone is covered in manure) Clover: Like (sniff), eww! I am covered in poo! Now my outfit is ruined! I am really so outta here! (bumps into a wall) OW! T. Razo: Fine! Manure is the excretion of waste by organic organisms.

T. Medora: Ang igit na ito ay napilit sa aking mukha.

Ellen: Teacher! Like I care! Edgar, we shouldn’t waste time in this mixed-up world. We should be making plans for our next prank on all of Nod’s Limbs!

Clover: How does my hair look?

English Teacher: You’re so mean!

Mr. Cow: At last, my manure is useful!!!

Gen. Mañage: Sushi, sashimeshikeshi! Ragazolamachnori, zozzala mano, Bakatare!!!

Jim Yoshida: It’s Gen. Mañage! (faints) Jim’s Dad: Aah! It’s the sexy Mañage! (his wife stares) Mors d’oeuvre: What are you idiots doing here? This is the Forest of HippoButts, where I, Mors d’oeuvre, ancestor of the Bawuwan Tribe (huhahu!) shall burn the offenders’ boob, nipple, heart and butt! But before that, I shall lick all the butts! Muhahahahah!

Mr. Cow: I have two butts, the left and the right… Whole we can fly, so big and bright… Touch them softly: one, two, three… Three enormous butts are good to see!

Pearl (from Finding Nemo): WOW! That’s a pretty big butt…

Nemo: <3 <3 Butt! At long last! But, I thought you were dead, Butt!

Edgar: Hey, Mr. Cow! Let’s make a deal with him, Ellen! Can you supply us with manure?

Homer (Simpson): Nice butt! Good going, Moe! No wait—so this is where the E went!

Jessica Simpson: Uhh, Daddy!

Edgar: Jessica’s dad is Homer?

Mors d’oeuvre: You people are destroying the HippoButts Forest scene! I, Mors d’oeuvre…shall have all your butts and lick them all at once! It will be a world record!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(100x) (natuk-an) Miles: Hey, where’s the pirates?

Chelsea (That’s So Raven): Where’s the cake?

Roxie (Hannah Montana): I got MAH eyes on you! (snores) HAYA! MAH EYES MAY BE CLOSED BUT MAH MAAND IS STILL WORKIN’! I got my eyes on you!

Jim Yoshida: I challenge Roxy to a Judo match/football!

Roxie: I’ll take yo’ football, man! I take all yo’ balls! Yo’ handballs, noseball, and all-yo’ball!

Ellen: Eye-poking these imbeciles will be fun.

Edgar: Of course. (To Ellen: But we must do it secretly. For after that, we shall escape… and lock all of them up in a chamber! Until we finish the Edgar & Ellen story! It will be our greatest masterpiece! Hahaha!) *THE CHALLENGE BEGINS* Roxie: I got MAH eyes on you!

Jim: Hit me with your best shot, Grandma!

6 Roxie: Watch out coz my feet is going to whoop yo’ ass, you vanilla ice cream!

Jim: Hyah! (Pet twitches wildly) Roxie: You suck! I coulda seen that from a thous’n miles away! (Pet starts growing to 10m tall) Jim: Say that again and I’ll magasashikeshi you like in the Mañage show episode 355!

(Pet grows a mouth; he is as tall as a building) Large Pet: YOU MORONIC IMBECILES OF IDIOTIC ORIGIN! HEAR MY VOICE AND TREMBLE, YOU OAFS! HALT THIS UNSCRUPULOUS FRENZY OF ROXIE-JIMLANGUAGE! (grows dark purple and thunder roars from the sky) Sakura: Naruto! What are you doing here! And why did you hit that innocent kid!

Bakaro! (punches Naruto) Naruto: (flies…then falls to the water) Aaah! Sorry, Sakura. Hey…cool, we’re in a storybook with other characters. Ooh! It’s Mors d’oeuvre…and a giant Pet! Clover: I feel my hair is coming off. I’m Baluba!!! Ekk. Twitches: To shrink this furball hair, Make Clover to Baluba with her falling hair!

Yoda: Oh, shit! Wherefore be I in this strange world? Twin bitches this world has.

Charles Ogden: Nice one, foo’!

Yzma: Edgar and Ellen, I’m your number one fan!

Sidious: Hello, pretty old woman. Will you join me in this world’s destruction?

Together, we will rule the dark side!

Yoda: Shit!

Ghost Rider: You suck. You can’t even jump from a cliff. I’m even better than you, shit.

Ellen: Cod. Everyone’s using foul words. Rock on, dumbass!

Britney Spears: A, you’re an asshole; B, you’re so bitchy-ful; C, you’re a cupful of shit; D, you’re a dickhead…

Ahab: You wicked, old singer! You’ve brought us foul words! I’ll kiss you to death.

Britney Stop, Ahab! Ahh! Stop, Ahab! Ahh! Stop, Ahab! Ahh! Stop! Ahh! Ahh! AHH! Large Pet: NOW, THAT’S BETTER, MORONS! Yoda: Shit!

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CHAPTER TWO: Welcome to the Whiteboard World Aladdin: A whole new world, a new fantastic blank view. No one (seriously) to tell us no, or where to go…because there’s nothing in here…

Ellen: You are so yabag! You gotta go to a voice school… Oh, wait…they won’t even accept you. (evil laugh) Edgar: (looking problematic) Where can I find manure? Ahh! Madonna: Living in a Whiteboard World! Coz I’m a white boardish girl. White boardish girl!

Gwen Stefani: If I could escape, and create a place of Whiteboard World, and I could be your favorite board forever, perfectly together, and now you tell me you wanna be white. Woohoo! Yeehoo!

Ellen: Cut the singing, people! All of you are out of tune! (pokes everyone’s eyes) Christina Aguilera: You might not ever get black. Working at the White Board!

Ellen: (slaps Christina) I said no singing!

Mulan: You’re chicken is so fat that I but my Shang he’s so manly and needs lessons.

Mulan: My Face is so like a guys.

Tarzan: I think your a finger can swing better than me you crazy old woman ha! Ha! Preposterous.

Ellen: Edgar? Where are you?

Mors d’oeuvre: You evil beings of evil occultism (or something like that) shall be punished! …after I take my lunch.

Edgar: Wait, Ellen! I’m looking for manure! Where do they put the manure here?

Mors d’oeuvre: I think I’m going to be sick!

Mr. Cow: Talking about manure…I want to poo!

Mors d’oeuvre: (vomits) London Tipton: Hi, pipol! I’m going on a vacation to Paris! Wanna come? Free of charge, of course—I’ll pay! Yeay me! No one? Fine, I’m going alone.

Mr. Cow: They say that Edgar can get the manure inside me. He doesn’t care as long as he has a prank. So watch out for him, he might attack in the gym. Edgar’s so cool like me.

Ellen: I said no more singing! What can I do to make you people stop?

Edgar: I know what to do, sister! Poke their eyes!

Ellen: Good idea, brother!

Mors d’oeuvre: Shame on you…poking people’s eyes…

Ellen: Well, you lick hippobutts.

Mors d’oeuvre: So what? You have a problem? Huh? Ellen: Yeah! I’m taking you down, grandpa! Watch me! (pokes his eyes) Mors d’oeuvre: I’m blind! No, wait…(flaps his arms) I think I’m flying!

Ellen: Look who’s talking…and flying! (gets an arrow and shoots Mors d’oeuvre) Mors d’oeuvre: You defenseless pipsqueak, you cannot defeat me! I have the strength of ten hippos! Feel my wrath!

Lili (Tekken): This place is so breathtaking. I really like it here.

Ellen: Who are you? Anyway, cool outfit…it looks like old rags. Like I care if you’re rich! Oh, and Benson…you’re gay.

Mors d’oeuvre: I said, Feel my wrath! HYAHH!!!

9 Edgar: When he said ten hippos, I didn’t know he meant (cough) ten hippos’ farts!

Lili: So you’re Mors d’oeuvre… I must eliminate you for my father’s sake.

Mors d’oeuvre: Bring it on, sister!

Lili: What a strapping face… you’re not really good, are you? (hahaha) Ashley Tisdale: You’rs so beautiful when you Fart Lucas Grabeel Pi yoo you stink Zac Efron.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens: You’re so beautiful Sharpay I’m so ugly you’re to beautiful for me.

Ashley Tisdale: Got that right (uhuh!)

Mors d’oeuvre: DIE! (in the name of Bawuwan I—!)

London Tipton: I’m back! OUCH! EW! What is this? (cleaning) Oh hi, Ashley!

Ellen: What a rip-off. You’re not the real London Tipton (grabs for the hair) Oh my gosh! You’re a gay!

“Gay”: No, I’m not. (rips off another mask) I’m…WAIT…oh yeah, I’m Mr. Cow! Mr. Cow: Fly fly fly the butterfly in the meadow it’s flying high. Fly fly fly the butterfly…wait…where’s the butterfly?

Ellen: Uhh…why are you singing? Didn’t I tell you in Chapter 2 to stop singing?

Mr. Cow: Uhhh…duh NO. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are.

Ellen: That’s it! You’re getting on my nerves! I’m having you for dinner!

Mr. Cow: NO! Please, Edgar, tell your sister to get the heck out of here!

Edgar: Why? Mr. Cow: (thinking) Hmm… I’ll give you…900 gallons of manure!

Edgar: What kind?

Mr. Cow: Fresh…

Edgar: (eyes glint with evil) Ooh…perfect… Ellen, let’s get outta this whiteboard.

Ellen: Not yet, brother! Still have to ROAST this icky singer!

Edgar: Aren’t we in Chapter 2, Ellen?

Ellen: Why did you react so late? [flashback] Ellen: Edgar! Why are you staring off into space?

Edgar: No! I’m staring blankly…

Ellen: Know-it-all…

Edgar: Are you accusing me?

Ellen: Hmm…yup. Hey look, it’s Nod and Mushu.

Mushu: Behold, it’s the mighty dragon of…uh—well, I don’t know.

(Edgar and Ellen fight) Mushu: Hey, all the people are fighting for me. I rock. I am the Golden Dragon of Unity.

Edgar & Ellen: SHUT UP!!! We are fighting.

Gabriella: Donut! Donut! Donut! Donut! Yeah. Why are you so yummy? You know the sprinkles…

Edgar: How’d we get here anyway?

Ellen: Don’t know; don’t care! And I told you people to stop singing!

Gabriella: Look! What’s that in the sky?

Edgar: It’s a bird!

Ellen: It’s a bunch of poo!

Gabriella: It’s Superman! But wait, why is he falling?

Mr. Cow: I guess he ran out of far fuel.

10 Edgar & Ellen: Ahhh! He’s gonna fall on us! Wait! He’s carrying someone!

Mr. Cow: That’s Yzma and Sidious!

T. Razo: Hey! That’s my ride! Superman, get down here right…ouch!

Superman: Oops! Sorry, girl! Wait, where are you?

T. Razo: I’m right here…at your back. I think I’m stuck…

Yzma: I’ll get you out! (SSHLUUUKK) T. Razo: Thanks, Yzma! *MEANWHILE…SOMEWHERE* Sakura: Hey, Naruto. Where are we?

Naruto: I don’t know. I think we’re on a blank page.

Sakura: Oh no, the writers forgot about us. Sniff, sniff.

Sasuke: Oh please don’t be a baby. Of course they didn’t forget about us.

Sakura: You’re right.

Naruto: Prove it.

Sasuke: Well, a person is writing about us.

Naruto: OK. Ahah! I lost. Again.

Sakura: <3 <3 <3 Oh, Sasuke! You are so smart…and hot…

Stacey’s cousin: WHAT?! Wait, why am I here? Oh…oh my gosh!

Naruto: I know! I know! I’m too hot for you…

Stacey’s cousin (Donnie): No…well, yeah but…There’s…There’s a piece of cow manure on your teeth. Aah! I’m being sucked by…wait, I’m not.

Sasuke: (whispers to Sakura) Let’s ditch her…

Mr. Cow & Superman: Never fear, Edgar and Ellen! (look at each other) Who da heck? *ELLEN RIDES SUPERMAN AND EDGAR RIDES MR. COW* T. Razo: Hey! That’s my ride!

Ellen: Of course not! *MR. COW CRASHES* Mr. Cow: Oh no! I’m out of fuel! *EVERYBODY FOLLOWS HIM*

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CHAPTER THREE: Corpse Land Ellen: It’s spooky, it’s creepy. It’s my type. I love it. Hey am I the only person here… talking to myself? Hello? Shame on me. Talking to myself all alone… All alone? Cool.

Edgar: Hello? What did I miss? Hey! Who’s there? I have a flashlight! (takes his flashlight; turns it on) Ellen: Stay back, fiend or whoever you are! I have a black belt in eye-poking! …Edgar?

Britney Spears’s Corpse (BSC): Sadly mistaken, babe! (slaps Ellen) Chicken Ghost (Poultrygeist): Cluck. Click clock click clock. Clthe clclock clis clticking clfor clyour cllife!

Chicken Little corpse: Run!!! The sky is dying…

Ellen: Now we’re talking in Chicken Language? What is up with the world? Oooh…a Venus flytrap. I’ll add this to my collection. (picks up the Venus flytrap) Ow! It bit me.

Awesome!

BSC: Enough with theez friggin’ ven’s flai trap! Eat their anal openings!

Poultrygeist: Revenge—ehem—I mean clrevenge clfor clmy clnuggets!

Mañage: Aah! Toge ragi koshkodesu! Tasukedekudasai! Watashisexy!

Ellen: Are you talking to ME?!

Edgar: I don’t know what everyone’s talking about. I’m going crazy. Crazier than hugging Ellen!

Mañage: I used to have a great life! (flashback: CUT! You suck, Mañage!) …okay, maybe not so great…

Ellen: Why do people think General Mañage is sexy? People are freaky.

Sakura: Where’s that stupid Naruto? Cool…what place is this? It’s like a cemetery. …A CEMETERY! Aaah!

Corpse Bride: Victor! Where are you?

Mr. Cow: My love! I’ve been searching all over for you! …and my manure, too, I guess.

Mañage: It’s like my episode 9175, 5th edition! The corpse-cow-love! Watashibaka! (and sexy!)

Nidime (2nd Hokage): Get off my gravestone! …it—it’s the sexy Mañage! Oh. My. Gosh!!!

Edgar: Oh boy! For a wise old man, he sure is wack.

Sakura: My idol…the sexy Mañage! (goes near Gen. Mañage) Can I have your autograph? (Ellen slaps Sakura) Ellen: He’s not sexy…he’s nuts!

Kuzco: Hottie hot hottie!

Ellen: (pokes Kuzco’s eyes) Did you know I have a black belt in eye-poking?

Declaimer #1: O Lord—no, wait…(shouts) HEY! IS IT LORD OR GOD? Teacher Iron: O GOD! Declaimer #1: Really? Where? Hey! Don’t trick me!

Teacher Iron: THE WORD IS GOD! Declaimer #1: I know, do you think I’m an idiot? The word is God! That’s in the Bible!

So what is it: Lord or God?!!

Teacher Iron: O GOD! O GOD! Declaimer #1: Don’t get frantic! Yow! What was that for? OH MY GOSH, it’s Mañage!

What am I doing here in the Mañage show?!! (Teacher Iron faints)

13 Kuzco: I’m in love with Ellen!

Malina: Hey! You cheated on me!

Kronk: Uhhhhhhhhh… Hyah!!! (kicks the wall) Uhhh…what am I doing here? Bye, everyone!

Ellen: Shut up, Kuzco! You’re no match for my personality, you dumb guy!

Kuzco: Uhh…so dreamy! I think that meant she likes me.

Yzma: Where is my husband—DARTH SIDIOUS? Edgar: Whoa, it’s Kuzco!

Kuzco: Finally, a fan!

Edgar: Oh, did I say that? I meant, “Whoa, it’s Kuzco—the idiot!”

Kuzco: (cries) Wahahahaha! What will I do???

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CHAPTER FOUR: Rise of the Fat Pig Ness (from Loch): Rawr! Fear me and my squiggly fury!

Dick (with Moby): Wow! That’s scary!

Medora (T.): You think so? That’s nice… hey wait, you’re following my sarcasm! (gets 7,107 islands and throws them) FILIPINO FURY! Ness & Dick: Aah!!!

Clover: Hey! Watch it! You might ruin my hair!

Ellen: Wow! I never knew T. Medora was Wonder Woman! Those huge muscles! Cool!

Pie (from Egg): Yeah! Such cool muscles! I think we’re meant for…

Stinky (with Butte): Hey, watch your mouth! I have muscles, too, you know…at least my butt does…

Pie: Yeah, yeah… Whatever, stinky!

Stinky: But, I can do the cha-cha with my butt!

Pie: Gross! Now, about us, T. Medora… *IN LOS ANGELES; AN OLD WOMAN IS WATCHING THE NEWS* Newscaster: There is a dangerous driver on Route 81! He’s driving the opposite way!

Old Woman (Yzma): Oh no! Sidious is there! I’ll call him…

Sidious: (on Route 81) Oh, my phone is ringing… Yeah, dear?

Yzma: There’s a dangerous driver over there! Be careful!

Sidious: One?! There are thousands… Die! Moron driver…

Yzma: Wat da! Thousands? Hey, what happened to the door?

Yoda: Hello, baby…

Yzma: Ooh… Come here…

Yoda: I wasn’t talking to you… *OK, BACK TO THE OTHER PLACE…IT’S GETTING WEIRD IN LA* Sheila Lavoové: You! Pale-looking girl! Give me a drink!

Ellen: (murmurs) Sure, I’ll give you a drink. (places Sprite in a water bottle) …here you go, Sheila Lavoové.

Sheila Lavoové: I don’t see anything in here. It looks empty. (shakes the bottle; opens it; Sprite goes into her eyes) …oh! My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

Ellen: Serves you right. Don’t ever forget, I’m not just a black belt in eye-poking! I’m an expert in destroying eyes!

Edgar: Isn’t that the same thing?

Ellen: Fine… Have it your way!

Edgar: Anyway… Did you know you made two people blind already?

Ellen: Really? Cool… Victim no. 1—Clover, Victim no. 2—Sheila Lavoové… Now, who will be next? (still thinking) Homer: C’mon, Jessica… It’s the Father(dumb)-Daughter(nasty) Day already!

Jessica: How about Ashley?

Homer: She’s busy lip-synching! C’mon! Ooh! Another pig!

Mors d’oeuvre: It’s a hippo!

Mr. Cow: And I’m a cow!

Homer: Sheesh! You’re all so picky@ ooh, ooh@ It’s—it’s…SBHQ! Mors d’oeuvre: Oh wait, who’s SBHQ? Oh yes! That’s Stinky! …man, she’s so stinky!

I’d die even though she’d talk 5 meters away from me!

16 Pie: Tell me about it…

Mors d’oeuvre: Wait, I know! I forgot I know nipple pinching and butt licking…does she even wash her butt?

Debbie: I like eggs!

Pie: Actually she “wipes” her butt, never washes them…that’s why she’s called Stinky Butte. Besides, it’s spelled as B-U-T-T-E… Debbie: Ooh! I know! E stands for eggs! I like eggs!

Homer: Yeah we know, egg-lover!

Debbie: I like eggs!

Jessica: By the way…Pie, how do you know that she wipes her butt, and doesn’t wash it?

Pie: She told me…and showed me…(barfs) Homer: Okay, that was unexpected! (barfs with Jessica) Ellen: Oooh… Everyone’s barfing! (barfs with them) Debbie: I like eggs… Do you?

Ellen: Who the heck are you?

Debbie: I’m Debbie… I like eggs.

Ellen: You like eggs? I’ll give you eggs. Mr. Cow! Can you give us eggs?

Mr. Cow: I’m a cow, not a chicken.

Edgar: Yeah, Ellen… Don’t you know anything?

Ellen: Of course, I do. Are you calling me dumb? You are so going down, Edgar… (wrestles with Edgar and pokes his eyes) Edgar: Oww! My eyes! I’m getting you next time.

Mr. Tall-Guy: (whistles) Woot! Ellen, you are smokin’!

Edgar: I’m Edgar!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Ohh. Darn… Hey, Piglet! Where are you? You said this hot person was Ellen!

Edgar: Are you callin’ me hot?

Piglet: I’m in the bathroom!!! Pooh, where are you?

Pooh: Do you (cough) really need to (choke) ask?!

Gollum (LOTR): Ehem! Coughing and choking like a retard—no offense—is my job!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

Gollum: You’re a friend of Frodo’s, aren’t you? DIE! Edgar: Yeah! Let’s go, Gollum!

Gollum: Why do you want to kill him?

Edgar: Oh… He called me sexy.

Mr. Tall-Guy: I called you HOT! Edgar & Gollum: DIE!!! (Edgar—again—throws Anne Frank; Gollum puts lipstick on Mr. Tall-Guy) Anne Frank: AAH!!! *PET ARRIVES WITH AN UMBRELLA FLOATING IN THE SKY* Rihanna: You can stay under my umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh…

Vanessa: Driving down the highway! I’m gonna drive.

Rihanna: Shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive…

Edgar: And remember… I ain’t hot!

Large Pet: YOU ARE—wait… AAAAAAAAAAhhh! …squeak…darn!

Medora: Hey… Merong buhok sina Edgar at Ellen!

Pet: HEY, WHAT DID YOU SAY???

17 *BACK IN LA* Sidious: How dare you cheat on me? I thought you were a pretty old woman!

Yzma: I didn’t! Wait…isn’t there supposed to be a comma between “pretty” and “old”?

Sidious: No! Yoda: Cut the drama, oldies! Yo’ crampin’ mah stahl!

Yzma: Why are you talking like Roxy?

Sidious: Yes… That dreamy pre—uhh…

Yzma: So you’re the one who cheated on me!

Yoda: I’m gettin’ outta here… Uhh… It’s gettin’ a little awkward…

Yzma: And you’re the one who was driving like a madman!

Sidious: You turned Kuzco into a Fat Pig! Yzma: No, I turned him into a Fat Pig’s head! I turned Kronk into a Fat Pig’s bu— Sidious: What? What!? Wha—oh my gosh! AAAAAAAH! *BACK IN THE OTHER PLACE* Jessica: What was that?

Homer: Hey, did you just say a sentence without saying “like”?

Jessica: Oh…uhm… Like, what the manicure was that?

Sheila Lavoové: Uhh… I dunno… Ow! I hit a wall!

Homer: No, that was me…

Sheila Lavoové: Ooh! You feel hot… Uh, uh! Ooh! You’re so hot even if I can’t see you!

Homer: Ha… Ha… Hachoo! (sniff) No, I’m sick. I caught a cold.

Jessica: Wow! You can actually catch a cold? Cool… I wanna try!

Homer: It’s just an expression, you stupid daughter of mine!

Jessica: Fine! Be that way! I still wanna try…

Sheila Lavoové: You stupid daughter of his! Even though I can’t see you…

Homer: Ooh… Uh, bye, Sheila… A TV! Newscaster: Two bodies of old people—who honestly shouldn’t have lived that long— were found today… They were still alive and breathing. In other news, million-year-old relics have been found on the same site. Carbon dating puts one to be from long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away; another, from the age of dinosaurs. What? Oh… Recent updates tell us that both previous news were actually about the same thing…

Edgar: Hey, sister! It’s those ancient lovers we saw last time! Wait… I have a very serious question…

Ellen: What is it?

Edgar: Where’d the TV come from?

Diana: What are you talking about? By the way, Martin, what time is it? There’s no clock in here.

Martin: I’m drunk… (gulps) What? The time? Oh…ok… I’ll tell…no… I won’t tell… I have a talking clock… (starts to get a gong…and hits it hard!) DONG! DONG! DONG! An old woman from a nearby apartment: Shut up! It’s only 2o’clock in the morning!

Martin: It’s 2o’clock in the morning…(gulps) Diana: You really have gone nuts, haven’t you?

Martin: I’m drunk… (gulps) What? Nuts? There’s nuts? Why didn’t you share any with me? (shouts) ELLEN! ELLEN! Ellen: (says irritably) What, Martin?

Martin: I heard you were a great eye-poker… Would you mind poking Diana’s?

Ellen: Why? Martin: She didn’t share her nuts with me!

18 Ellen: Ok… (smiles freakily) Here it goes! (SQUISH!) Diana: Oww! I can’t see! Martin! Martin! Where are you?

Martin: That’s what you get for not sharing your nuts with me! (gulps) I’m getting sleepy… Good night! (faints) Ellen: You have to pay me when you get up! It’s not free! Bye… (turns the lights off) Diana: Martin??? ???: Whoooooooo! Whoooooooooooo! Fear me—yowza!

Diana: Who is that? Oh no… Martin, Martin!

Martin: (sleepily) Yeah? Unicorns look like Diana Ross… I mean Britney!

Diana: Martin, don’t you know what the “whoo-ing” and “yowza” mean? That’s what those ancient relics heard before their attack!

Martin: (still sleepily) Yzma is hot!

Diana: What? Ow… I hit a wall! ???: Darn you… Meathead!

Martin: Oh you’re so beautiful but you’re nose is so big Diana: When you fart I wish that I was sitting next to you Martin: Oh you beautiful fart smeller Diana: You are the fart of my life ???: Oh, could you stop flirting with your sister?

Martin: Hey, I’m drunk. And I stink! …Britney…

Jenny: Hey, I’m your girlfriend…! What’s with the incest!?

Martin: What? I’m drunk! Give me a break, girl!

Jenny: You wish, Princess. What’s next? You’re gonna flirt with…

Martin: Oh, Java! You’re so cute and muscular!

Jenny: Ooh! You’re so annoying! (slaps Martin) Martin: What was that for, woman? Hey, where did Diana go? Diana? Diana baby?

Diana: I’m right here, Martin! You Farty! ???: Hello?

Diana, Martin & Jenny: WHAT?! …NO, WAIT… AAAAAAAAAAH! Martin: No, wait… Wait, wait, wait… Weight… ???: Okay, are you calling me fat?!

Diana: Kinda…

Martin: Yes. Jenny: Well, you know… Never mind! Sorry…hehe…

Martin: Jenny, I was just fooling around… You know that I’m drunk…right?

Jenny: I knew that from the beginning… Ugh! I so hate you!

Martin: I know we had a rough stat…but, let’s just start it all over, okay?

Jenny: Uhm… Okay… But, you know…how?

Martin: Let’s just start with… HI, I’M MARTIN. Jenny: Oh, forget it!

Martin: I’m just fooling around again…hehe… Okay, ehem. Hey, Jenny baby, wanna go out on a date?

Diana & Java: HEY! HOW ABOUT ME, MARTIN? Martin: Uhm… Uhm… Next time?

Diana & Java: Ugh! There won’t be a next time! I’m breaking up with you!

Martin: Okay… Great! Thanks, you guys! (says happily) So, Jenny…is it on?

Jenny: Yes, honey! 10pm? Love movie?

Martin: Love movie. (leans in to kiss)

19 Jenny: Maybe later. (holds the mouth of Martin) Ellen: Eww…everyone’s going all gushy. It makes me barf. (barfs) Edgar: What is wrong with these people? And how many times do I have to say… GET OUT OF MY BOOK! Ellen: Your book? How dare you! Are you taking all the glory for yourself? I thought we were always together in everything!

Edgar: Yeah, right… We’re not together in taking a bath.

Ellen: Oh, yeah… Anyway…have you heard of a person with “superhuman feet”?

Edgar: It’s spelled “feat”, not “feet”. What kind of person would have superhuman feet?

Ellen: I thought buttman had superhuman feet.

Edgar: I told you it’s spelled “feat”! And it’s not buttman…it’s Batman!

Ellen: Fine, be that way. Mr. Letter-for-Letter!

Edgar: Okay… I think we should get out of this place. I think Martin and Jenny are about to kiss. (barfs) ???: HELLO?! CAN YOU HEAR ME? All: Yeah? ???: ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Edgar & Ellen: Haha! Nice one, Mors d’oeuvre… ???: I am no butt-licker! I AM KUZPORK! Ellen: Kuzpork??? What a dorky name!

Edgar: Dorky? You mean idiotic!

Kuzpork: Stupid puny kids! Ruining my plans!

Edgar & Ellen: Ruining?

Ellen: Morella! Berenice! Bite him!

Kuzpork: Ow! My butt! Where’s my tail?

Mr. Cow: Duh! You ate it for dinner!

Kuzpork: Now, how can I fly without my helicopter tail? Oh well, I guess I’ll have to use my fast-accelerating rear tool—a.k.a. F.A.R.T. (uses his fart to fly) I’ll see you next time, Ellen and Edgar!

Edgar: (shouts at Kuzpork) Why does Ellen’s name have to be first!

Kuzpork: Very well, puny hot guy! You will never defeat me!

Martin: (gulps) Britney…

Jenny: Hey! Kuzpork: (ehem) Nothing can stop me now! Four horsepower F.A.R.T.s don’t do nothing, you know! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *IN LA HOSTPITAL* Yzma: I’m sorry, Siddy-kins…

Pacha: I’m not that wrinkle-ball… We’re here to give you—AAH! Sidious: I’ll shock you again if you don’t stop! Now, get out… There, so Yzma, you okay there, babe?

Yzma: Yeah, Siddy-hon. I still have a beautiful sty—what’s with that Emperor of a fart?

Kuzpork: MWAHAHA! Fire in the hole! (releases fart balls) Yzma: Take cover! My love, are you okay?

Sidious: Yes, my darling! I’m okay!

Both: I love you!

Pacha: That is pretty disturbing…

Darth Vader: Wow… I can’t believe Sidious got a date. I mean…talk about weird. And old.

20

21

CHAPTER FIVE: In the Mansion *A SORCERESS CONJURES A PORTAL WITHOUT A PICTURE* Circe: This portal shall help you all in your quest…

Edgar: Like, how are we supposed to know where this leads to?

Circe: You shall know when you enter it…

Mr. Tumnus (Chronicles of Narnia): Yes, but it is not a wardrobe.

Circe: Your point?

Mr. Tumnus: Meh! My point is that they ain’t going to Narnia, foo’!

Edgar: Wait, are you a half-goat guy?

Mr. Tumnus: I’m glad you noticed. These are my folks. (shows picture of a man nuzzling a female goat) Mr. Cow: C’mon! We’ve gotta get outta this dead place!

Ellen: But… I like this place. It’s so spooky.

Edgar: Hey did you notice the name Mr. Tumnus can be inverted and it will become Mr. Sunmut? Ou know, like a dog under the sun?

All: No one cares!

Debbie: Is that, like, a kind of egg?

Ellen: Of course not! You egg addict!

Debbie: Eggs? You see eggs? Where?

Clover: Where am I headed? Whoa! (falls into the portal) *EVERYBODY FOLLOWS* Clover: Ow! Get off me, you idiots!

All: Sorry…

Ellen: This place is so fancy… Yuck!!!

London: Hey, why do you call this place icky? Think again.

Mr. Cow: Where can I release or something like that? Ohh…my manure… *MEANWHILE, IN LA* Sheriff Mañage: ooh… There’s a guy speedin’! (stops his car beside it) Driver: Yes, officer?

Sheriff Mañage: You’ve been caught speeding; I’ll need to give you a ticket.

Driver: To Hanna Montana or the Backstreet Boys?

Sheriff Mañage: Just shut up.

Driver: Oh, by the way, I killed someone and put his body in the trunk.

Sheriff Mañage: What!? (speaks into walkie-talkie) We’ve got murder and irresponsible corpse disposal over here… *10 MINUTES LATER* Mañage’s Captain: Your car trunk, please. (opens it) Where’s the body? Ain’t there s’posed to be a dead body?

Driver: Ugh! And I bet that nuts officer told ‘ya that! I bet he said I was speedin’, too! *BENONI COMES IN, EATING A DONUT* Benoni: Freeze, driver!

Driver: I’m innocent! Please… I didn’t do anything.

Benoni: I’m not letting you go unless you buy me ten boxes of donuts.

Driver: What flavor?

Benoni: Don’t you “what flavor” me… I love banana-lavored donuts! Now…take me there… And buy me coffee, too!

22 *DRIVER FIRES STORM OF LIGHTNING* Driver: Never! The Dark Lord of the Sith will never buy sugary dough with bananas for you! Die, Jedi—uh, Banana! *BENONI GETS HER DUAL SABER* Benoni: Take that, you selfish meanie@ Sheila Lavoové: Stop! In the name of love!

Benoni: Get away, girl with mutant boobs!

Benani: I’ve come to help you defeat the Sith! (gets saberstaff) Sidious: You’ll never take me alive, coppers! (speeds away) *BACK IN THE OTHER PLACE* London: This mansion is cool! I should totally buy it!

Edgar: Hey, did you hear that? *MUMBLING: ikuhatikaikumottikailabaytika* Clover: Who the heck?

Martin: Well, hello… Hello?

Boar d’oeuvre: I am Boar d’oeuvre, the brother of Mors d’oeuvre. I rule over the Boar Tribe! Get away from my house! *MUMBLING GETS LOUDER: ikuhatikaikumottikailabaytika* Boar d’oeuvre: Oh, I’m just picking my nose you. I’ll get you! I’ll crumple you! I’ll thr—.

Martin: Diana, Java! LOOK! A monster! (clicks a remote control) Now which channel should I watch?

Diana: Martin! It’s time to be serious here! …Ooh, let’s watch Disney Channel!

Martin: That’s not Disney! That’s the “Do you like watching pigs eat?” Channel!

Diana: I can’t tell the difference!

Martin: What channel is Kenan & Kel? Kenan & Kel: Blah blah blah…

Martin: What?

Kenan & Kel: Blah blah blah…

Patrick Star: Ooh… Is it lunch time yet Spongebob?

Spongebob & Patrick: I’m a Goofy Goober. Yeah! You’re a Goofy Goober. Yeah! We’re all Goofy Goobers. Yeah! Goofy, goofy, Goober, goober, yeah!

Narrator of DYLWPE Channel: Aah…look at that glorious, majestic, blubbery sow.

Eating…snout buried 23 feet below leftover level. Very beautiful. Sucking the lamaw…

Aah… Spongebob & Patrick: Waiter!

DYLWPRE Narrator: Would you like fried lamaw or regular?

Spongebob: (thinks) Hmm… I’ll have one fried, and…uh, Patrick?

Patrick: hh… I’ll have three regular and two fried.

DYLWPE Narrator: And would you like them well done, medium, or rare?

Kel: I would like an orange soda.

Kenana: Who loves orange soda? Kel loves orange soda.

Kel: I do, I do, I do…ooh…

DYLWPE Narrator: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Look, sir. We don’t sell orange sodas. But (to all), WE SELL PIG’S JUICE. IT’S SO PORKY THAT YOU COULD DRINK ONE WHOLE BOX OF IT! ONLY $9,999,999.99. BUY NOW AND YOU’LL LOOK LIKE A PIG! Seriously.

Tinkerbell: I’ll buy! (drinks) POOF! I feel hot.

Peter Pan: Hey yo, Fatty. Wazzup?

23 Tinkerbell: Shut up, guy with a green hat that looks like a muddy sock! Oh wait, that’s yours. Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?

Peter Pan: C’mon baby. Sparkle me with that fairy powder of yours. You sparkle like the powder on fire!

Tinkerbell: Aww…thanks, Pete!

Peter Pan: I wasn’t talking to you! Lucinda from Ella Enchanted—c’mon baby!

Lucinda (Ella Enchanted): Uh! Uh! Oh! You’re so cute, Peté Bobené!

Esqueleto: Eww…is that…is that love? I saw it in the science book. Science rox!

Nacho Libre: I knew it! We never win because you only believe in SCIENCE! Esqueleto: We never win because you are FAT! Nacho Libre: At least I’m not as skinny as a stick like you! I can see your ugly, rotten bones!

Encarnacion: Stop it, both of you! Our God would be very disappointed in you! Go! And ask for forgiveness.

Esqueleto: You mean go in? Now way! I don’t want to see those ugly orphans!

Nacho Libre: SHUT UP! I love the orphans. You should, too!

Esqueleto: I HATE ALL THE ORPHANS IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Nacho Libre: Oh, you asked for it!

Esqueleto: Bring it on! (begins fighting) Encarnacion: Oh! No! Stop!

Tinkerbell: You’re fighting like babies!

Lucinda: Tinky. Shall we?

Tinkerbell: Sure! *BOTH FAIRIES TURN EVERYONE INTO BABIES* Peter Pan: Cool! (gasps) Shoot! Now I know why Esqueleto was so familiar!

Baby Esqueleto: Waah! Yes, it is I! I am your brother, Bread!

Doctora: Only for six pesos! (winks)

24

25

CHAPTER SIX: A New Journey Edgar: What am I wearing? Are these…DIAPERS? Tommy Pickles (Rugrats): Hey! What happened? I was watching that!

Edgar: Watching wha—oh, my gourd! I’m TOPLESS! Mr. Tall-Guy: And still hot!

Edgar: Call me hot again, and you’ll be crawling in a diaper!

Mr. Tall-Guy: You’re still hot!

Edgar: I’ve had it! You are going down! Bottle-carrier!

Nacho: I have eagle powers! I will beat you all! (evil cackles) Esqueleto: I told you you’ll never win! YOU ARE TOO FAT! FAT, I TELL YOU! FAT! Old Man: Hey Nuckle Head. Tell me my name or else I will beat the #*@0 out of you.

Nuckle Head: Unless I beat the #@0* out of you first!

Old Man: Tell me my name!

Nuckle Head: Yeah, yeah.

Tommy: Listen to that Old Man! He’s using some kind of signs to talk!

Spongebob: Oh no! That word is #*@0! I know that word! Let’s talk like that, Patrick!

Patrick: Shut the @#** up!

Spongebob: You’ll never win in this game, you 0**#@!

Patrick: Where there’s a will, there’s a way, you *@#0!

Tommy: Wow! Cool words!

Stew Pickles: Don’t listen to that, Tommy!

Edgar: …

Ellen: Should we say anything, brother?

Edgar: …

Ellen: SAY SOMETHING! Edgar: *@#0?

Ellen: Aren’t we supposed to stop them, not join them?!

Nuckle Head: Shut up, you sponge and a star. How come I can’t join your #@*@@#* game?

Stew: Right… *IN HOLLYWOOD* ETC Reporter: and now, we will invite our very special guest, Yzma!

Yzma: Hello, everybody! (cough) ETC Reporter: So, you tell me that throwing clothes at stars is OK? Yzma: Yes. ETC Reporter: Have you ever done so?

Yzma: I once took off all my clothes and threw them at Britney Spears…

Reporter: Why? Yzma: I thought she needed them?

Reporter: She was naked?

Yzma: She looked horrible!

Reporter: After you took off your clothes, I’m not sure which of you looked more horrendous and hideous! (drum goes ba-dum-tss) Ellen: I really don’t get these hideous jokes!

Edgar: How can you make comments about it even though you don’t get it?

26 Ellen: I don’t know…they just come out of my mouth!

Patrick: What are you talking about?

Ellen: Whoa! A talking starfish!

Edgar: You just noticed that now?

Ellen: You’re not answering my question, weirdo!

Edgar: Come to think of it, I don’t even know! (both remain puzzled by this mystery) Nancy Drew: You seen a woman ho gave her clothes to an imposter?

Edgar: …

Ellen: I don’t know…

Edgar: Am I supposed to say something?

Ellen: Do ‘ya thing you should?

Edgar: Do I thing?

Patrick: (suddenly looks up) Ice cream? Where? Aah! (looks at Edgar) ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!

Edgar: AAH! (runs away) Nuckle Head: I have a story…

Edgar: (stops running) Huh? Patrick: (jumps up and sucks on Edgar’s head) Umm…what flavor is it?

Edgar: (angrily) Hair flavor! Get off!

Patrick: No, I’ve tried that already. I think it’s like sexy flavor.

Mr. Tall-Guy: Told ‘ya!

Edgar: Shut up! Now, what’s your story…?

Nuckle Head: The day I lost my identity… It was a sunny, blacky, sexy, foxy, hotty, spicy, and fat day. I lost my underwear with my nametag and I found it with a black s@#* or black poo on it so I got it and lick it with my mouth it was hairy woowee!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Still think you’re sexy, foxy, hot, spicy, pale, handsome, Edgar!

Edgar: Why did you follow what Nuckle Head said?

Mr. Tall-Guy: Hey, I’m tall… Not creative.

Ellen: Well, who cares anyway? Why are we even here?

Mr. Tall-Guy: I’m here for the view…

Patrick: Edgar, uhm, I think Mr. Tall-Guy likes you…

Mr. Tall-Guy: Eew, no! (rips off face) I’m actually…Stephanie Knightleigh!

Ellen: Eew…that ugly freak likes Edgar?

Nuckle Head: Hey, Ellen… I’m a knucklehead but even I know that much.

Ellen: (gives him an evil look) It’s an expression, you dumb starfish! You’re like Patrick!

Patrick: Yeah, you dumb starfish… Hey, wait… (expression turns wild) Ellen: Uh-oh…

Patrick: Err… (begins to breathe quickly and wildly; everybody backs away; Patrick suddenly smiles) I forgot my ice cream!

Edgar: I’m not ice cream!

Patrick: Are you getting mad at me, seventy pounds of sexy flavor ice cream?

Stephanie: Hey, are you forgetting me? Hi, Edgar…

Edgar: (gets mad) Patrick, you see that girl over there? That’s your ice cream!

Patrick: Aah… Thanks… Come here, little ice cream…

Ellen: I’m gonna get you, Edgar!

Patrick: I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-c-c-c-c-c-c-e-e-e-e-e-e-e C-c-c-c-c-c-r-r-r-r-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-m-mm-m!

Ellen: I’m not your ice cream!

27 Patrick: Gotcha!

Ellen: Ouch, my head!

Patrick: Yum, sexier flavor!

Ellen: WHAT? (pokes his eyes) Patrick: OW! (cries) Ellen: Serves you right! I’m not the one Edgar pointed to!

Patrick: That explains why you don’t taste that good…

Stephanie: Umm… I’m gonna go…

Patrick: Aha! Stephanie: Aah! (stops running) Hey, wait…why aren’t you chasing me?

Patrick: I just remembered… I can’t breathe… Aah, butt cramp!

Eggman: Look, a talking starfish! Ho! Ho! Dark Helmet: That’s my line, you Eggman.

Eggman: Oh yeah? I had it first!

Dark Helmet: You…you…you little bowling ball with a mustache!

Eggman: You…you…you large helmet. Maybe you escaped from the circus!

Dark Helmet: Why you!!! *A SONG BEGINS, TO THE TUNE OF “SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU”* Mr. Tall-Guy: The moment I saw you, I got with you Edgar!

Miles: I say a little prayer for you…

All (except Edgar & Ellen): Forever and ever he’ll stay in your heart and he will love you! Blah, blah…

Edgar & Ellen: Stop singing! *THEY ARE IGNORED* Edgar: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Ellen: Operation Blowstink?

Batman: So you people are the villains! I will stop you no matter what!

Ellen: Oh no! You’re the gay guy who always hangs out with a guy called Robin in that “butthole” or something…

Batman: Yeah right…

Ellen: Yeah, I’m right.

Batman: Nuh-uh…

Ellen: Uh-huh! *THEY REPEAT THIS 100X* Edgar: Hey you, Buttgay! Stop interrupting!

Batman: It’s Batman.

Edgar: Who cares? Buttgay, Batman…same thing!

Eggman: While you people are still rioting, the real answer is @#*!!!

Edgar & Ellen: How do you know anything, you giant bowling ball?

Baby: Mama…

Eggman: This paper is R18.

Baby: Me no baby!

Eggman: Oh yeah? Are you sure?

Baby: Yes! Now shut up, or I’ll blow your head off! (holds a machine gun) Batman: What’s that in the sky?

Ellen: Who cares?

Edgar: I think you should…coz it’s Kuzpork!

Ellen: Great. How can we fight that thing when we are all wearing diapers?

28 Baby: Get all these rocket launchers, flamethrowers, shotguns, desert eagles, machine guns, bazookas, grenades and C4s!

Ellen: Will you repeat that please?

Edgar: Who cares anyway? Who are you, freaky talking baby?

Baby: I am actually Hitler! (rips off diaper) Aha! I tricked you all! This was just my disguise! (looks at himself) Oh no… I forgot… I really am a baby! And I’m…NAKED! (rips off Edgar’s diaper) Edgar: Aaah!

Baby Hitler: Can you stop shouting?

Edgar: Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! (takes off Patrick’s underwear) Patrick: No! It’s burning! It has been with me for two years! Two years!11 He took my Goofy Goober underwear!!!

Spongebob: I thought you were a man already…

Patrick: Yeah, but the mermaid magic ran out.

Baby Hitler: Are you two slacking? The Nazis are better.

Spongebob: No, they’re not! Nobody can defeat us!

Patrick: I’m the Elastic Waistband!

Spongebob: Yeah, and I’m the Quickster! C’mon, Pat! Let’s go attack that flying pig! (starts to attack) Edgar: They’re doomed…

Baby Hitler: Yup… Spongebob & Patrick: Aah! (fall) *BOOM* Kuzpork: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You can never defeat me!

Mysterious, weirdly-dressed superhero: Not so fast, evildoer!

Baby Hitler: It’s a bird!

Edgar: It’s a plane!

Ellen: Does that even look like a plane?

Patrick: It’s a crazy old woman who can fly!

All: It’s Super Yzma!

29

30

CHAPTER SEVEN: The Fight Begins Yzma: Yes, it’s me… Super Yzma! Now, creation of mine, back down!

Kuzpork: Snort, snort. Yowza!

Ellen: That was weird…

Edgar: Yeah… I don’t think we can win…

Baby Hitler: Don’t lose hope! We can still make it! …we are so gonna die.

Ellen: Blowstink?

Edgar: That’s the only thing we can do right now…

Mr. Cow: DELIVERY! Edgar & Ellen: Right on time, Mr. Cow! Now, where’s that windmill?

Patrick (The Elastic Waistband): I found this really huge electric fan… (shows a windmill) I will use this as my own… I think this will work well, don’t you? I will call this…Squishy.

Edgar & Ellen: Give us that thing! We need it! (grab the windmill) Patrick: But it’s mine! Wahh! My Squishy!

Edgar: Wait a minute, aren’t windmills heavy?

Ellen: Of course they are, you dork!

Edgar: Then how can you carry that thing?

Ellen: Oh right…aah! (windmill falls on Ellen) Help! Help!

Baby Hitler: Stop it! We’re not ever going to win—I mean, we might not win but it’s not hell!

Ellen: I said help!

Baby Hitler: I’m just messin’ with you…

Ellen: Oh, you are so goin’ down! (tries to get up but can’t) Err… Pet: Ack… Ach… Ano? Ellen: (muffled) Pet can type? But he only has an eyeball!

Charles Ogden: I made you all with my imagination—hey! Didn’t we go through this already?

Baby Hitler: Perfect! Charles, what did you say next?

Charles Ogden: And I say, “Pet can type!” Why do you wanna know?

Baby Hitler: Make Pet super macho, super powerful, and super sexy!

Charles Ogden: I’ll turn you to… (imagines) All: Cousin It? Charles: Oh, sorry… How about Experiment 628?

Stitch: Ohana? Chikibubu!

All: What the heck?

Charles Ogden: How about Bigfoot?

Bigfoot (female): Oh, my love!

Pet: Aaah!!!

Edgar: Cool! You want to transform Pet into a horrifying monster? I have a suggestion… Why not make Pet look like Ellen? She’s scary enough…

Ellen: You dork! (begins wrestling with Edgar) Edgar: Why you!!!

Charles Ogden: Have you two gone insane?

Nod: Of course they’re not! I am! (eats grass)

31 Ellen: What’s wrong with him?

Mr. Cow: Hey! Stop eating my grass! You big, hairy monster! You look like grass!

Nod: It’s mine, you cow!

Mr. Cow: It doesn’t have your name it. Ha! Nod: I thought cows are girls and boys are bulls.

Mr. Cow: (feels nervous) Well…uhm. You’re right. Well, it doesn’t matter because… I am actually Darth Vader!

Darth Vader: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Nod: It’s still August. And you aren’t Santa Claus, you idiot! AND SANTA ROCKS. Edgar: You suck.

Squidward: I am Claustrophobic.

Patrick: Ho ho ho.

Spongebob: Stop it, Patrick! You’re scaring him!

Darth Vader: It’s still August, remember. And there’s no such thing as Santa Claus.

Super Yzma: Yes, it’s me and my sidekicks—Manananggal and Sheila Lavoové!

Ellen: Who asked you?

Edgar: You should totally go to a hospital.

Patrick: Hello, ice cream!

Ellen: Shut up, you big fat girly star!

Patrick: Bad ice cream!

Edgar: You should have brain freeze…

Edgar’s toenails: Boobs! There’s a flying old hag up there! What’s so great about ice cream?

Patrick: What’s so great about toenails?

Edgar: Let’s se… Hmm…tastes like chicken…

Edgar’s toenails: Aah! Ellen: Will you stop your habit of talking to your toenails/ Patrick: Hi, Edgar’s toenails!

Ellen: What kind of freak are you?

Patrick: Hi, ice cream!

Ellen: I’m not your ice cream!

Patrick: You’re not? Waaaaaaah! I want my ice cream! (sobs) *AFTER A WHILE* Patrick: Hi, ice cream!

Ellen: You’re hopeless…

Psychotherapist: Come to me…

Patrick: Psycho the rapist!

Psychotherapist: Come to m…

Patrick: Ah, a psycho rapist! Ahh! Psychotherapist: No, you monkey!

Patrick: Wow! I’m a monkey now!

Ellen: Patrick, there are no monkeys that live under the sea…

Patrick: But, what about sea monkeys?

Ellen: There are no sea monkeys, you idiot.

Patrick: Sea monkeys aren’t real?

Ellen: Of course, they’re not.

Patrick: Waaaaah! My mommy always said they were real! Waah! *AFTER AN HOUR OF STARING AT THE FLOOR*

32 Patrick: Roses are red, violets are blue…(eats paper) When I grow up, I’m going to be a sea monkey!

Ellen: You’re hopeless…

Pussy Cat Dolls: When I grow up, I wanna be famous. I wanna be a star!

Patrick: You wanna be like me?

Ellen: You’re not famous!

Edgar: But I am…

Mr. Tall-Guy: I’ll say you are… Rawr…

Patrick: I know I am…

Mr. Tall-Guy: You’re not nearly sexy enough…

Patrick: Yes, I am! Wanna see my butt?

Mr. Tall-Guy: Uhm… (thinks to himself that yes, yes of course he wants to see Patrick’s buttocks) No! Patrick: Why? Mr. Tall-Guy: Because it’s hairy!

Patrick: No… Here it is!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Eek! (screams piercingly) It’s so hairy!!! (thinks to himself how much he loves it) Oh yeah! Give me more poses! All right! Perfect! Perfect!

Ellen: Hey, did anyone even remember what the main story is about in this chapter?

Patrick: Uhh… (sleeps) *AFTER FIVE HOURS* Patrick: Oh yeah! Uhh… (sleeps again) Baby Hitler: …

Kuzpork: I have no idea…

Ellen: I absolutely have no idea… *A CAR CRASHES* Mother Hitler: Okay, Baby Hitler. It’s time for your nap.

Baby Hitler: Oh no, it’s my mom! Aah! (screams piercingly) Mama Hitler: Come on, Baby! Nap time! Yee-ha!

Baby Hitler: Shut up, I’m comin’!

Mama Hitler: Oh…my baby’s just like his dad…(sheds tears of joy) Daddy Hitler: Waaaaaah! I want my mommy!

Mama Hitler: I take it back. He’s nothing like his dad…

Baby Hitler: Yeah, say, yeah! (puffs a cigar) *A TIE DEFENDER FALLS, DARTH VADER’S SHIP EXPLODES* Darth Vader: Whoa! (feels dizzy) Can’t breathe in this thing…(chokes, and opens his helmet) Good fresh air… What is that smell? Smells like diaper with a hundred tons of poop!

Mama Hitler: Oh, looks like Baby Hitler made poopoo…

Baby Hitler: Oh no, she’s gonna change my diaper! Aahh!! To the escape pod! I regret nothing!!! It is over, mama and papa. You’ll never see me again! Muhahahahahahahaha!

Daddy Hitler: Waah! Nazis, attack! And take your captives with you!

Peter & Anne Frank: We have to escape!

Peter: I’m hungry! I want your other leg, ANNE! (roars) Ayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaaaah!

Anne Frank: Wasn’t I supposed to eat you?

Pete: Hey, who changed my name to Pete? Idiot scriptwriters…

33 Scriptwriter: You’re not the boss of me!!! Fine! You don’t want to be Pete? I’ll make you a gorilla from now on!

Pete: Hey wait… (turns into a gorilla and roars loud) Ellen: Hey, people! What part are we in this twisted story again? I think I’ve gotten old waiting for the scriptwriter for two years! Two years!!!

Edgar: Oh yeah! Let’s kill the scriptwriter!

All: YEAH! Scriptwriter: You can’t kill me… The reason you’re talking now is because I’m writing it… (everyone becomes silent) Ellen: Does that mean you want us to kill you then? (more silence) Scriptwriter 2: See, look what I can do! *A BIG GORILLA BEGINS TO HULA DANCE* Big Gorilla: I’m too sexy for my boogers, too sexy for my butt, too sexy…

Scriptwriter 2: Mwahahaha!

Referee: Let the dance party begin. On this corner, we have King Kong. And on this corner, we have Big Gorilla.

King Kong: Music, please… (dances) Ellen: My goodness… In Chapter 2, I told the people to stop singing… Now you’re DANCING? Abba: You’re the dancing queen!

Ellen: Shut up! I told you to stop singing!

Scriptwriter: Why is another scriptwriter using Ellen? Ellen is my job! I make her scripts!

Ellen: Hey, you’re not the boss of me!!!

Scriptwriter: Yes, I am!!! See? You just said what I wrote! *SO BEGINS THE MYSTERY OF THE SCRIPTWRITERS; A BAND MEANWHILE STARTS PLAYING* Singer: Gorillas in the night… Gorillas in the day…

King Kong: (screams like a sissy) OMJ! It’s AGB! I’ve gotta see ‘em ASAP!!!

Newcomer: We’ve got a new announcement. “Cima doesn’t change his brief…

BEWARE!!!” Bye~ Hula-dancing Gorilla: Now, that is sick!!!

Ellen: Who’s Cima? Sounds like a hippo name…

Mors d’oeuvre: Huh? Did anyone say hippo? I’ve come to the rescue!

Cima: Aah! What did he/it say?

Kuzpork: Cima’s my cousin… I think.

Ellen: Where’s Edgar?

Scriptwriter: Who’s Cima?

Ellen: I feel so rusty… It’s been like two years…nothing to say at all… Hey! Did you notice AGB performing live? OMJ!!! Aaah!!! Can I have your autograph? …Hey people!

Aren’t we supposed to be in a war with Kuzpork???

Edgar: That’s amazing, Ellen! You actually remembered what the story was about!

Pet (Gigantic): Haha. Yeah right. This book doesn’t even have a story. *EDGAR AND ELLEN ARE SHOCKED BY PET’S SENTENCE* Charles Ogden: Got another problem with Pet, edgar and Ellen?

Ellen: Nope, you’re the problem here. You’re not even the author of this book!!

Charles Ogden: Says who???

Ellen: Oh yeah…you’ve got a point there…

34 Scriptwriter: You wrote this story?

Ellen: Oh man… It’s you again…

Edgar: … *ELLEN SLAPS EDGAR* Ellen: Curse you, Scriptwriteeeeeeeeeer!

Scriptwriter: Oh yeah I will make you disappear watch! *POOF* Edgar: Nooo! (cries, sings a song) Can’t smile without you…

Ellen: Oh shut up Edgar (hanging on the ceiling) your voice it Burns!!!

Edgar: …(stares at Ellen, looks away) Can’t smile without you…

Ellen: no comment…

Scriptwriter: @#)*10@ Ellen: What?! My ears popped!

Boss of the scriptwriter: Get back to work, you lazy slob!!!

Scriptwriter: Hey! You can’t boss me around!

Boss of the scriptwriter: What did you just say to your momma?! You say that one more time Bob, and I’ll cut your allowance!!

Scriptwriter: Yes, mom…

Hula-dancing Gorilla: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Edgar: Eew… (doesn’t notice an extremely tall person sneaking up behind him…)

Hula-dancing Gorilla: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Edgar: Not a chance in the world!

Hula-dancing Gorilla: (shakes its big, hairy butt more vigorously) Don’t cha… Don’t cha…

Edgar: Get away from me, you freak! You horrible stinky butt freak! (Tall figure emerges out of the shadows…)

Ellen: Edgar, look out!

Edgar: (screams like a girl) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Yes, it’s me! (another figure approaches) Mysterious Figure: and his new girlfriend… (horrible-looking figure is revealed) Everyone: (in shocked disgust) Sheila Lavoové!

Sheila Lavoové: MmHmm… Hula-dancing Gorilla: (a piercing scream) AAH! No, you ain’t!

Sheila Lavoové: And why not!?

Mr. Tall-Guy: Umm… Hula-dancing Gorilla: Because I’m his girlfriend!

Sheila Lavoové: WHAT???

Hula-dancing Gorilla: I’m actually… (cuts off its own head and grows another one— eew!)

Stinky Butte: Me! Ellen: Who are you again?

Patrick: My ice cream! (Looking at Stinky Butte) Stinky Butte: Oh my gosh! A talking chicken! And he’s fat!

Patrick: Who are you calling fat, tubby! Bad ice cream!!! Bad ice cream!

Mr. Tall-Guy: What is this pink idiot talking about? As for me… I still think you’re HOOOT Edgar… (bats his eyelashes) Sheila Lavoové: Hey! Oh wait…you’re right… (giggles like a pig choking on lamaw) Patrick: Yeah, you are right! Wait…what are we talkin’ about?

35 Ellen: Oh, we’re talking about sweet gay love and an obese woman’s infatuation…

Sheila Lavoové: Who are you calling obese, huh?

Ellen: Morbidly obese, you mean! Seriously, look at your bil-bil!

Edgar: And you’re fat, too!

Ellen: I already said that, Edgar!

Edgar: Are you calling me dumb, huh?

Ellen: No! I’m calling you stupid—‘coz you don’t see the onbu on your back!

Edgar: What?! AAH!!!

Sakura: Aaaaah!!! There’s an Onbu here!!! (throws a kunai toward his back) Edgar: Aaaaaaaah!!! (girly shriek) You freak!!! (catches the kunai and throws it back) Rock Lee: I’ll save you, Sakura!!! (goes toward Sakura) Wheelchair ninjas (from Family Guy): There they are! The enemy ninjas!!

Peter Griffin: Hey! Guys! You’re in the wrong cartoon!

Wheelchair ninjas: Ooohh…darn it… I wanted to attack them. (unknown): GUMBALLS! Peter Griffin: ehehehehe… He said balls!

Doctor: It’s time for your prostate exam!

Peter Griffin: Aah! It’s psychotherapist!

Doctor: I’ll take you to a dark room…

Peter Griffin: AND RAPE ME?!

Doctor: No…noo… To show you my glow-in-the-dark watch…

Peter Griffin: WHEW! Doctor: Then rape you!

Peter Griffin: Oh man…

Sheila Lavoové: I can’t believe it! A doctor wants to rape a fat man, but I don’t have a date!

Mr. Tall-Guy: I’ll be your date…

Sheila Lavoové: Shut up, you bisexual freak!

Peter Griffin: RUN! RUN! (accidentally bumps into Sheila Lavoové) Stewie Griffin: Oh, you bad man!!!

Lois Griffin: Now, now Stewie… Leave your father alone………. Oh, my! ….PETER!!

Shame on you!

Peter Griffin: What are you doing here?

Lois Griffin: I can’t believe you, Peter! Your own sister!

Everyone: Sheila Labooby is Peter Griffin’s sister?!!

Sheila Lavoové: I’m his half-sister’s nephew’s grandmother-in-law’s roommate! And it’s Lavoové, not booby!!!

Darth Vader: I’m your FATHER! (breathes into mask ominously) Peter Griffin: Here… Have some strepsils…

Stewis: My idol! The ultimate eevil!! Please… let me be your apprentice…

Darth Sidious: The lure of the dark side…

Permin: Ayaw mo siya sundin! Baka mamamatay ka, sanggol!

Stewie: You corpulent douche! Did you just call me a baby!? You will feel the terrible wrath of Stewie Anita Griffin soon! *EVERYONE STARTS CRACKING UP* Stewie: What? Is my thrice accursed fly open again?

Permin: Anita, hindi mo…aah, I’ll cut the nonsense! What freakish person would speak Filipino in an English story?

36 Stewie: Complete nitwit… Feel the wrath of Stewie Anita Griffin! *NUCLEAR EXPLOSION* Permin: Wow! You have a smelly pit. Deodorant spray will do it. (sprays) Stewie: No!!! My armpit fragrant. Curse you Secret!!!

Monkey in the Closet: (glares at Chris and points at him…)

Chris Griffin: Aaaahhh!!! The crazy monkey in my closet has gone crazy!!!

Stewie: He was always crazy… *MR. TALL-GUY AND SHEILA LAVOOVÉ START BUMPING BUTTS* Mr. Tall-Guy: I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Chris Griffin: How about monkey butts?

Mr. Tall-Guy: Yup… Chris Griffin: Get that monkey!!!

Anne Frank: Get him!

Ellen: Where’d you come from?

Patrick: What now?

Black dress lady: (murmuring/chanting meaningless words…after 1 hour…) ………..Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

White dress lady: Repent your sins!

Black dress lady: (throws rocks) Ellen: (throws noodles) Hades: (throws boulder with skeleton) Zeus: Brother!!! What are you doing here?! Ooooh… PEOPLE THROWING STUFF!!

Weeeeee!!! (throws bolts of lightning) Edgar: Cooool!! Olympian gods! I worship thee… Oh, mighty Zeus!!

Hades: What about me?! I’m the god of the underworld, too!

Edgar: Bah! I don’t care who you are!

Poseidon: How dare you forget me, god of the sea…earth-shaker…storm br— Patrick: Daddy!!

Spongebob: Patrick!!

Patrick: Spongebob!!

Poseidon: Spongebob!!

Spongebob: Mommy!

Black dress lady: Yes? Lady Gaga: Sister!

Dark Helmet: I am your father’s brother’s cousin’s nephew’s niece’s former play boy Miss Dada: Half-sister!

Dark Helmet: Ayay, inday! Kumusta na ka sister?

Miss Dada: haayzz… gurrl… kibaw na byaa ka… stress na kaau akong career… But, u knw, I need to maintain my body figure ~ Sexy baya atong family, diBa??

Dark Helmet: Aaayyy!! Eegat na kaau akong sister!! (silence…)

Miss Dada: OHH EMM JAYY!! Is that CHICKENLEG?!

Dark Helmet: OHH MAMY GALEEE! Ka gwapo uie!

Mr. Tall-Guy: Excuse me?! Gwapa tawn ko noh?! Mas gwapo jud si Edgar!

Edgar: Why are people talking in a foreign language?

Ellen: I don’t know! (shivers) Let’s try talking to them…

Edgar: (talking to everyone) We come in peace!

Ellen: (slaps her face) Dimwit…

Annabeth: Excuse me miss, but do you know where the bathroom is?

37 Ellen: Who are you, bondie?! You look like a brainiac goody-two-shoes! Shoo! Out of my sight!

Percy: Don’t you dare talk to Annabeth like that! She’s my friend1 Ellen: Oh, I’m really sorry….. DO I KNOW YOU?! Away with you hambugs!! You’re in the wrong book!

Poseidon: Don’t talk to Percy like that!! (gets a glass of water and pours it on Ellen’s head) Feel the wrath of Poseidon!!

Ellen: Aaaaaahh!! You made me clean!! I HAAATE YOU!!