The Mind & Body Issue by Journey Magazine

EDITOR IN CHIEF

MANAGING EDITOR

COPY DESK CHIEF

COPY DESK EDITORS

Aiyana Ishmael

Dejania Oliver

Mia Uzzell

A-Chai’a Jackson Maya Williams

ONLINE EDITORS

FASHION DIRECTOR

Madeline Smith India Rhodes

Kaela Moore

MULTIMEDIA EDITORS

PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTORS

FASHION ASSISTANTS

ARTISTIC DIRECTORS

Dekorey Hobbs Calvin Carmelien

Naja Hardmon Cameron Scott

Nadia Wilson Ezekial Hobbs

Jerry Medireck Stanley Wall Jr.

ADVISOR

Professor Francine Huff

PRINTER

Gandy Printers

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

Dejania Oliver, Mia Uzzell, Amiya Abner, Dymin Cannon Heaven Jones, Meche’ Leflore, Gabrielle Hall, Kylah Thompson Maya Williams, Kailyn Rhone, Cirsten Jones, Shadell Bromell

CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS

Lindsey Burton, Emmanuel Childs, Ja’londa Martinez, Jaylan Rawlings ,Tai Humphrey, Kenan Mercius, India Johnson

MODELS

Morgan Dyson, Heaven Jones, Skylor Davis, Jhayla Stready Briana Yewell, Chelsey Rouse, Melissa Toussaint, Kiara Carey Destiny Lewis, Jacqui Paige, Jelani Shaw, Brandon Campbell Linney Linzey Osias, Simone E.B Sadler Copyright 2019 by Florida A&M University. All rights reserved. This issue of Journey magazine was produced by the student organization Journey with essential support from the School of Journalism & Graphic Communication. Journey is funded through the student activity and services fees, as allocated by the Student Senate of Florida A&M University. For more information on Journey or the Magazine Program, contact the Division of Journalism at 850-599-3379, 510 Orr Drive, Room 3078, Florida A&M University, Tallahassee, FL 32307.

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

EDITOR’S LETTER

black woman constantly polarized by my size,

ready to take on the next challenge. Here’s to

skin color and gender made my insecurities

letting go, letting God and moving forward.

overwhelmingly relevant in my everyday life.

alm down and accept your feelings.

I don’t want to make this about my journey

You know this is passing but you’re

completely. I am just one piece of the puzzle.

allowing the anxiety to attack you from

And this is why I decided on the mind &

within. You’re stronger than that. In the end you

body issue. So much of our life is spent

will win. Don’t let them have you because once

harping on our struggles, flaws and pain.

you’re lost you’ll be lost forever. I love you so But, having a space to share those thoughts

much, keep pushing. - April 23, 2018 at 12:24 A.M.

is a beautiful outlet and Journey is that. That feeling is back. That feeling in the back of my throat that I can’t escape. This emptiness I

I’ve spent so many nights crying, worrying and

try to shake so much. I hate it. I don’t know why

wishing for things to be different. But when I’m

it comes but when it does it leaves no room for

feeling low there’s always a place I can go to

anything else. I think I might be f*cking crazy. I

feel better, and that’s Journey. Whether it’s

I can’t say goodbye to Journey just yet, but I

don’t know. I just have been so well lately and

chasing down a story, planning our next event

can say thank you.

now it’s all rushing back. That feeling. I can’t

or just laughing with my staff, the journey

seem to escape. - July 29, 2019 at 11:49 P.M.

So you’re probably wondering why these notes

office has been there to make bad days better.

Thank you Journey magazine for being the comfort I needed when home was too far away.

are written for everyone to see now. It’s because I’m sorry for the girl I used to be. The girl that

I’m here to share that behind my smiling face

So if you’re reading this issue I hope you know that

Thank you Journey magazine for helping me

hated herself because of her body. I wish I could

there is pain. We all feel it; We all battle it.

your worth goes beyond the superficial, your pain

blossom.

is valid and your soul is everlasting. So much of

go back and tell 14 year old me your worth did not lie in the weight you carried, but in the soul

And

those

who we are is built in insecurities, but as we learn

you bloomed. - August 4, 2019 at 9:29 A.M.

demons always manage to catch up to me.

and grow we realize our “flaws” are what make us.

matter

how

fast

run,

I’m tired of running, so it’s time to fight. Who

knew

deepest

thoughts

This

would

past

year

I’ve

learned

about

I don’t remember the first time my anxiety

myself than I’d ever expect. I owe it all to

that’s

attacked me nor do I know why it comes around.

Journey. I keep saying the girl I was before

where they felt the safest. Nowhere near

It doesn’t help that everything I am, in society

editor-in-chief is not the girl I am now. I let go

being seen by friends, family, or my parents.

standards, wasn’t enough. Being a plus-size

of so much hurt, pain and sadness and I’m now

lie

hidden

grocery

my in

lists

my and

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

IPhone song

notes

lyrics,

between

but

Thank you Journey magazine for being my outlet. Thank you Journey magazine for everything. With love,

Aiyana Ishmael

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

My Mind, My Heart and Body Some nights I want to drown myself in the shower, Drown myself in my tears, drown myself with my thoughts, With every feeling my heart has left inside of it. But then I remember that would be taking the easy way out. But my heart can’t take it, the constant in and out literally, physically, emotionally. With every stroke my purity is broken. It’s like playing a game without losing any tokens A lesser value is an easier buy but for some reason i’m on the shelf, feeling used, rented, and even stolen Never for anyone to buy.

You walk right past the doll in the box, The one that a lot of people want but never get to have. Instead your eyes lockdown on clearance toys. There’s so many questions as to why, but an insufficient supply of answers. Some of our nights were beautiful, but only filled with lust, and some nights were brutal when I realized all I ever do is just get f... forgotten. Not forgotten forever but after because I was never meant to be remembered in the first place, I was just your momentary entertainment. But this doll does not desire to play with another child. And those times will forever resemble those water droplets The ones that drip from the shower head, onto my body, and then down the drain never to be felt again.

Just like you. So I choose not to drown, I choose to wash my pain away, In hopes that someone, someday, will feel the same way.

Amiya Abner

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

“Women need to know they are more than a photoshop photo. Nowadays, women do not want to work for a nice body because they see celebrities such as the Kardashians buying their body and fixing what they do not like. You have everybody trying to be somebody else and no one wants to be themselves. It is very discouraging to me because I am petite, and every girl has a desire to have that Instagram model look,” she said. Before Instagram and Twitter became a heavy influence on this generation, many people aspired to be like celebrities and models in magazines. Now, it is as easy to scroll on social sites for women to look for aspirations. Janorris Hunter, a graduate student majoring in History from Fort Myers, Florida explains his thoughts on black women in college who are influenced by social media. BY DY’MIN CANNON

“Social media has become a thing where we talk about the intersexuality where social media is for black women. We have somewhat capitalized on social media to benefit them in some type

of way,” said Hunter. “The bad part about that is competition, bullying and body shaming. So he obsession with taking photos has been called from seeking social status to shaking off depresive thoughts and of course

colorism. A solution in moving forward is being

capturing a memorable moment.

aware and knowing your triggers because social

Photo editing apps and social media have caused college women

you to conform to disrespectful habits. You have

to compare themselves to unrealistic beauty standards, and can even lead to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). A body dysmorphic disorder is classified as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person becomes excessively preoccupied with a perceived flaw in appearance. Anassa Williams, a Biology Pre-Medicine student from Fort Lauderdale, Florida expressed her concerns about

media can trigger you into trauma and cause to know how to disengage yourself. We have to know what’s the best benefit for us and what we can tolerate as a person,” he said. Kenya Johnson, a once aspiring influencer shares her experience with seeking to become Instagram famous. “Most of us have something that we do not like

her insecurities.

about our appearance such as our hips, a crook-

“I believe in this generation social media is very popular, because

Instagram influencer, said Johnson. “I found myself pretending to be someone that I’m not.

they always alert us with the latest trends around the world. Social media has an influence on all women to the point where it is discouraging,” said Williams.

much drama can come out of social media body-shaming such as

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

ed smile, big nose, a flabby stomach, and the list goes on. I once had a desire to become an I remembered my mom saw one of my pictures I posted on Instagram and said she did not realize it was me. From that point, I knew that this was not the career I should be going in.”

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Centuries of inflictions have created a false

The Mississippi native claims there was only one

subconscious, forcing the Black community to

person in her school that looked like her.She says

discriminate amongst each other using colorism

her days never went without taunting remarks. Her

and trapping themselves in a mental slavery.

classmates even compared her to a slave master during

Black

History

lessons.

Furthermore,

For hundreds of years Black people were told

Rodriguez believes people discriminated against

Eurocentric features were beautiful and theirs

her not necessarily due to her complexion,

weren’t. In addition, lights and darks were pinned

but because she was Hispanic. The social

against each other and separated. According

work

to House Slaves vs. Field Slaves, light slaves

with lighter complexion didn’t get treated

were given the luxury of working in the master’s

differently. She understands her noticeably Anglo

house as servants and even given special

features made it easier to pick her from the crowd.

student

claims

fully

Black

children

privileges. On the other hand, darker slaves were forced to work outside and treated unjust.

Rodriguez never considered herself Hispanic or White, resulting in an identity crisis. Although

“When my mom had me, my family looked

she

at me and told her ‘ you wrong for that”, says

constantly

Tydaja Rodriguez, a junior social work student

accepted in the community. She says she

at Florida A& M University from Clarksdale,

actually felt cursed and wanted to fit in.”

Mississippi.

“‘you

done

cursed

this

identified

herself

reassures

as she

Black, will

she

was

never

baby’” “At times, I wished I was darker. I wanted

Rodriguez was born to the daughter of a Black moth-

look

family!”,

says

Rodriguez.

er and a White- Hispanic father. Growing up in Coahoma County with her mother familiarized Rodri-

“I think it’s a perpetuation of mindsets starting

guez with her African American heritage. According

from the plantation” says Valerie Thimothee, a

to the U.S. Census Bureau, Coahoma county is 77%

first year Florida State University medical student

Black. The scholar never truly felt she belonged due

from Haiti “ when lighter skin meant better.”

to the lack of fairer skin tones in their neighborhood. Thimothee says in Haiti the lighter people were “My teacher thought it was okay to address me as

aristocrats, whereas the darker people were mostly

half-breed.”

impoverished. She says in a lot of She says in a lot of Caribbean countries women chemically enhance

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN:

their

skin

make

themselves

lighter.

CLOTHES

The children identified the White dolls with positive characteristics, while the Black dolls

“So the closer you are to being lighter skin, then

were associated with negative characteristics.

AND HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL

it’s considered you’re better than darker skin.’ “I felt like I was too Black”, says John Clayton, a The medical student says because of the

senior Agricultural student at FAMU “ when you’re

French

colonization

younger people would crack on the darkest kids.”

high

number

Hati

there

are

Mulattos

Similar

to in America, Blacks of fairer skin tones in

Clayton recalls telling his mom he wish he

other countries have put themselves at a

was lighter because of the harassment he

higher status than darker. After the abolishment

received from other kids. He believe kids

of slavery, mixed individuals who passed for

remember the little things you say to them.

whites

Society.

The agricultural student says now dark skin is

According to Face2Face Africa, the Blue Vein

considered a trend and his skin tone is accepted.

created

Society

The

aimed

Blue

Vein

toward

bettermenting

the lot of light skins without the progressiveness

“Know that you are who you are. You might

dark

furthered

skin

people.

The

society

as well embrace it because you’re stuck with

divide

between

Black

people.

Thimothee reminds herself she is beautiful. She admits sometimes she catches herself feeling and

less has

because to

her

quickly

Afro

features

gather

herself.

“It takes a group of people that have to make a choice and say this is not right, we have to correct this”, says the student “Black is beautiful.” In the 1940’s, The Doll Test Study was performed to

understand

segregation.

the Four

psych

logical

similar

dolls,

effects with

different skin tones were given to children.

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

By:

until

God

takes

you

off

this

Earth.”

BY HEAVEN JONES

magine having no creative control over your life, what you eat, when you sleep and even what you wear. We’ve all heard the saying, “when you look better, you do better.” Even if not yet determined your style is an accurate reflection of you. Most have had the dreadful experience of wearing uniforms throughout primary and secondary school. By adding personalized touches such as sneakers, cardigans and jewelry a set look can quickly became your own. From powdered faces and corsets to stacked sweats and spiked crocs, the evolution of style is dedicated to pop culture. Although made easily accessible to most what happens when items aren’t available due to size or monetary restrictions? “It took me awhile to find my sense of style,” said Simone Sadler co-creator of Plaid & Polka Dots from Orlando, Fla. “I wouldn’t have many options to choose from, being raised by a single mother. Growing up I fell in love with thrift stores so I decided to create one.” Feeling excluded when it comes to trends allows space for creativity, trial and error. Like Sadler, many resolves to making their own pieces from scratch or even upcycling. Goodwill along with any other local consignment store provides items ranging in sizes, materials and styles at a low cost.

Providing sizes ranging from 0-22 brands like Pretty Little Things, Fashion Nova and ASOS are dedicated to bold, fast fashion pieces. Straying away from the typical frumpy and unflattering silhouette offered to the plus size community has allowed men and women of a larger stature to feel seen in spaces they once weren’t. Celebrities like Billy Porter, Solange, Kanye West and Lil Uzi Vert have made huge tides in recent world of fashion. Allowing dirty sneakers, sparkling cowboy hats and even kilts to be seen as the new norm. Social media is a great place to be inspired or even purchase styles worn by the artist mentioned. Websites such as Depop, sale articles of clothing right out the closets of celebrities. “I found my sense of style around eighth grade,” said Sherrod Taylor graduating senior Theater Performance Student from Miami, Fla. “I couldn’t wear many things because it was too much of a hint to my sexuality so I incorporated as many aspects of my style into my outfits.” Whether it’s your “freekum dress,” GUCCI slides or Tom Ford suit, clothing is all about being comfortable in the skin you’re in.

“There are not a lot of prints, textures or “sexy” options in my size. I’m currently between a size 14 and16 and once you get past a size 10/12 the options of cute clothing become slim,” said Gabrielle Hall, third year Broadcast Journalism student from Tuskegee, Alabama. “It’s like fashion brands want to be inclusive but not inclusive enough for all plus size girls to feel sexy.”

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

culpted into masterpieces, black men haven’t quite mastered all forms of their inner peace.

A black mans’ masculinity is to be protected at all times. For deflecting is the most common coping mechanism used by the black community. Vulnerability is a word that you wouldn’t find in the vocabulary list of most. Front row to this truth, Jairus Williams, an education major student at FAMU, opens the door to a debatable topic. “The common stereotype is that a black man is supposed to be able to carry themselves at a standard that no one else can touch. There are already everyday issues that we, as black men, have to deal with and being vulnerable is not one of them,” Williams said. “Society, especially the black society, has created a stigma that if a man is vulnerable, he is helpless, he is weak, he cant carry the load; however, in reality, that is not the case at all.”

BY CIRSTEN JONES

Behavioral specialist and FAMU alumni, Stan Dantzler, father of three girls, says the interest of “Black Men Don’t Cry” comes from a lineage of different upbringings. “There’s generational gaps,” Dantzler said. “My generation of men were raised up under the creed where as boys don’t show emotions, boys don’t cry. You grew up under that manly concept to hold how you feel.” Hypermasculinity is the mold for diluted emotionless black men that hide behind their tears. Black men are seen to be the backbone of the black community while women are supposed to be the ones to carry the burden of sorrow and heartaches. Black men suppress. Black men distract. Black men cry. Soon to be father, Isaiah Scott, shares a lesson he will ingrain into his sons life.

Working towards a career path in the school system realm, Williams, without a doubt, plans to instill the importance of being “receptive and vulnerable” into his future classroom setting. Young black boys often need reassurance in validating their need to be vulnerable at times. Asha Anthony, mother of one, parents her six year-old son in a similar setting.

“I feel like men should be able to cry without it making them look weak or even assuming it does,” Anthony said. “Black men are strong and crying isn’t a sign of weakness but a sign of strength” Strength is seeking help when needed. Mental health isn’t usually associated with the black male community due to how they tend to dissociate from their own emotions. Black men do in fact suffer. Depression, anxiety and stress have no regards towards gender and or race.

Scott Said.

The 21st century has created a social norm that black men believe they must conform to because they are black men in America. “I believe in today’s society as people start to become more educated, they are beginning to take mental health seriously,” Willams added. “Still not to the point where there is a drastic change, but conversations are beginning to be had, which at the end of the day is progress.” 18

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Even though it felt as if she was the lone virgin, Wromas’ hopeful romanticism was why she prevailed. “I was never pressured to lose it. I knew eventually the right person would come around,” she said. “I was never pressured to lose it. I knew eventually the right person would come around,” she said.

hen puberty blindsides our adolescent bodies, we cross the threshold where we have to have the long-awaited talk. Our parents sit hesitantly on the edge of our beds or the living room couch carefully selecting the perfect words for their “birds and bees” crash course. Their closing remarks vary from “we are always here to talk” to “stay away from sex entirely.” For some, the conversation mirrors the opening scene of “Jane The Virgin” where the titular character’s Catholic grandmother depicts losing virginity as crumpling one’s purified white gardenia. For others, the conversation comes liberally. All in all, it marks the beginning of our journey with sex. Most of us indulge in our hormonal jitters in high school, but there is a group who has held out past their high school careers and are now navigating the awkward college territory. In the midst of hookup culture, they are discovering the world of dating as a virgin. For Nia Wromas, she attributes her days as a virgin, which ended this past summer, to never having the right timing. In her middle school years, the introduction of sex-ed into the curriculum led to an onset of her peers experimenting. Justifiably, Nia, overwhelmed with confusion and fear, strayed away.

Isis Climes has an entirely different journey with her virginity, but she, too, is looking for the right partner. The senior Broadcast Journalism student has aspirations to wait until marriage.

Moving into high school, she found herself awkwardly silent whenever friends exchanged their experiences throwing in the occasional “me toos” to include herself. She felt comforted in knowing others who shared her secret while in school, but once she entered college, the pool of remaining virgins seemed to dwindle. When friends asked Wromas what was her “why”, she credited her desire for an emotional connection to share the moment with. “I am the type of person that is very emotional and I get attached very easily, so I couldn’t just lose it to anyone,” the junior Social Work student expressed. However, she would be remiss to not note that her remaining a virgin for so long, didn’t mean that she condemned those who didn’t. Her virginity was in no way adherence to purity culture that purports sex until marriage. For her, she wanted to share her body for the first time with someone who would make her find serenity in baring her insecurities.

“I want to keep my virginity, not for religious practice, but for my own personal reason,” said the 22-year-old. “I want to give myself to the person I call my husband.” As Climes’ awaits Mr. Right, she has to enter the inevitable dating world. This world comes with arcane rules about one-night fiascos, first date decorum, and the infamous body count spectrum. With the latter, many vehemently reject those that they deem too far on the upwards side of the spectrum. But for college virgins, another question arises: Will anyone want to date someone that is on the other extreme of the spectrum? The sexually inexperienced side? Isis believes, for potential partners, dating a virgin may feel otherworldly, so she cuts right to the chase to avoid anxiously waiting.

“

I WANT TO GIVE MYSELF TO THE PERSON I CALL MY HUSBAND.” “Dating as a virgin in college is interesting because we live in a very sexually active society. I let my parner know before we try to pursue anything,” said Climes. This forthright candor that Climes employs with her prospective suitors seems, however, suitable because of her sex. For males, there is a slew of cultural layers to unpack for potential partners to fully understand and accept their sexual inexperience. A clear double standard on sexual experience pervades society. Men are encouraged to explore sex fully. Their sexual encounters are proudly tallied as some sort of badge of honor to don with pride. As kids, they are prescribed the title of “the ladies’ man” as if it is the pinnacle of achievements to collect women as prized possessions. An anonymous male freshman says he hasn’t fallen into the societal pressures for him to have sex because he hadn’t felt the level of intimacy he needs. With women viewing him through the lens of societal double standards, he is hesitant to disclose that he is a virgin. “I do not bring up my virginity to potential partners, I only tell them if they ask,” he said. “I am a little worried that fewer people would be interested in me if they knew I was a virgin.” Although the nerves to open up initially prevail, he also knows, like Wromas and Climes, that he isn’t compatible with anyone that would diminish his value because of it. College virgins know dating, in this time of their life, is undoubtedly tricky and nerve-wracking. Wromas says it best. “We are in uncharted waters. We are in college and the odds of finding a virgin partner are slim to none.”

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Jayden Knox, a second-year psychology student, has attended counseling before and gives insight on the disadvantages of not seeing a counselor.

nxiously walking from 636 Gamble Street into a small brick building, hoping that you don’t see anyone you know. What a nerve-wracking thought to those who are eagerly yet nervously seeking help for personal or mental health issues in secrecy. So what is this frightening place?

“If we have all these options to help with our mental health, with the convenience of it being on our campus, we should use the resources to the best of the ability even if we may not think it’s “necessary” at the time.”

Most agree that mental health is the center of most problems African-Americans face This place is the Office of Counseling Services -- which, today. It is essential to one’s well-being but most tend to to most, is not frightenjust work, sleep, or shake their ing at all. The university’s counseling center provides a stressors off. This is not the safe environment for students right approach when dealing to talk about their struggles in with major issues like this. confidentiality. The most common mental health issues in the black Most students find FAMU’s community are depression counseling services helpful, even those who haven’t even and anxiety. Another big issue is mentally-draining visited, like Amiya Abner. Abner, a first-year Broadcast relationships with parents, peers, or a significant other. Journalism student, says This is where counselors how imperative it is for play a major role in standing college students, especially in the gap to discuss issues African-Americans, to seek with those that may not be help from others. comfortable with talking to someone they know or just need professional help.

“I FEEL LIKE AFRICAN AMERICANS, WE RELY ON SELF-HEALING MORE THAN RECEIVING HELP FROM OTHERS AND TRULY THAT’S NOT ALWAYS THE BEST OPTION,” said Abner. 24

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Counseling, for some, reveals a different perspective on their thoughts. Some advantages of getting professional counseling are improving communication skills, building confidence, and reassuring self-worth.

“If you hold on to those problems and not try to address them, it can get worse and can affect you and even those around you. It’s important to talk about things that are bothering you or affecting you negatively,” said Knox. “It feels good after expressing your issues and receiving help from somebody than not saying anything at all. It can be tough to talk about personal problems in your life to somebody else but at the end, it will truly help you and improve whatever issue you have.” Some students may think that scheduling an appointment means they will sit down with a counselor within a week. However, if it’s not an immediate crisis, like suicide, then booking an appointment can take as long as a month to sit with a counselor. Dougla-Khan Stancil, a counselor and mental health professional at FAMU, says booking a session doesn’t take longer than a week at the beginning of a semester. Towards the middle of the semester is when booking a session takes longer, which is why Stancil encourages students to attend group sessions that run throughout the week. Stancil speaks about his role as a counselor to college students. “For me as a therapist, my main mobility is cognitive behavioral therapy and what we’re doing there is really paying close attention to a person’s feelings, what thoughts tend to bring up those feelings, and how they react to it behaviorally,” said Stancil. “That’s a triad that we’re really focused on to help shift and change a person’s feelings and behaviors by working on changing their thoughts and so we’re really working towards literally restructuring how they think.” If one is still not comfortable attending counseling services in person, use the app “welltrack” to learn different modules, track your mood, take a wellness assessment, etc. To gain access to this app, use your FAMU email and the access code “FAMUOCS18”. For more information, contact the FAMU counseling center at 850-599-3415. JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

College Kids Coping With it All

typical college student’s life is a cycle— wake up, go to class, study, do homework, sleep and repeat. Let us not forget to mention the students who are heavily involved in extracurricular activities. College is supposed to be the best four years of your life, but for some reason, they are some of the saddest and most stressful. In a survey conducted by the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors in 2013, 41.6% of college students experience anxiety, while 36.4% of college students experience some level of depression. Depression is the number one reason students dropout of college.

While some students struggle to balance life in college others have found ways to overcome this obstacle. Zyqueric Richardson, a third-year health science major, Collegiate 100 member and 2019 Orientation leader, gave insight to his mental health phase while in college. “I try to stay positive. No matter what happens, I cannot let my mental health get down because I know that once that goes out the window everything else is gone,” said Zyqueric Richardson, a third-year health science student and Collegiate 100 member.“The brain is like a muscle, if you exercise the brain to feel good then it will be easier to be positive,” he said.

Students suffer from mental health issues due to the overwhelming pressures of balancing their educational and social life, all while being away from home in a new environment— for the first time for a majority of students.

Another reason why mental health is a problem in college is because many students do not seek help. Whether that help is from friends or professional counselors at school, there is always someone to help through problems.

“Last year I seemed happy, like a

“Students are not able to manage their emotions. They have to know that it is okay to not be okay. Acknowledging that you have an issue is the first step, and knowing who you can reach out to is also important,” said Charlene Howard, an academic counselor at FAMU.

firecracker, but honestly I was in bed every single day,” said Janai Jones, a political science student who has suffered with clinical depression since seventh grade. “I didn’t go to classes, I failed classes and I lost friends. I just wanted to be alone. I was crying every single day, and I wanted to go home.” 26

BY MECHE’ LEFLORE | EDITED BY A-CHAI’A JACKSON

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

FAMU, she has helped students with problems ranging from financial and academic issues to personal problems with depression and anxiety. For students who are struggling with their mental health, there are many outlets on campus and around Tallahassee provide aid to maintain a healthy mind. The Office of Counseling Services, OCS, is FAMU’s on-campus counseling center. OCS offers individual, group, and couples counseling along with psychiatric consolation and suicide prevention training. There are also various resources locally including Tallahassee Counseling Center, Harrington Creative Counseling and Believe Hope Inspire Wellness Center. 211 Big Bend is another option that offers a 24-hour hotline that provides emotional support, crisis counseling, suicide prevention, and informational referrals.

During Howard’s 13 years at JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

I THOUGHT I HAD AN

or four long agonizing weeks I felt worthless.

A simple proactive check-up of my body went completely left. Trips to the gynecologist can always be nerve-racking even when you don’t suspect anything is awry. In my case, I hadn’t noticed any abnormalities concerning my body; I had no symptoms of disease or anything suspect occuring downstairs. No itching, no burning— no, nothing. The nurse drew my blood and collected my urine, simple routine procedures when you are sexually active. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. At the end of the appointment the lady at the front desk said: “Your results should be back in three days. If something is wrong, we will call you. If not, you’re good.” That statement didn’t resonate well with me because it’s FAMU, for crying out loud. “They’re not going to call me back regardless,” I thought. Sure enough I was correct. More than three days passed, and I hadn’t received a call, so I thought everything was fine. No news is good news right? No. A recurring voice in my head pressed for me to get my results from the clinic. So, while I on my way to the mall with a friend to find an outfit for Valentine’s day, I stopped at the clinic. I thought the encounter was going to be a quick walk-in-walk-out situation; It was not. The nurse brought me to the back and flipped through my file. When she got to the results she started rambling off a series of negatives— then a positive.

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

STD

“I see here you tested positive for herpes simplex virus 2.”

A whirlwind of emotions and thoughts ran through my head. Questions of who and thoughts of partners from the past shot through my head. I couldn’t fathom that just out of the three partners I had ever been with, I contracted this disease. I don’t sleep around, and I am not that person...so I thought, but it only takes one time. I had been abstaining from sex for over a year, prior to my current relationship. I had not been with anyone and had previously had an exam before coming to FAMU and nothing was wrong. The nurse asked me if I had been having unprotected sex with my partner, and I couldn’t help but be truthful. She responded by explaining that Tallahassee has a high rate of STDs and that I always need to be protected. I have heard that since my middle school’s sexual education class. “Stay Protected!” and “Use condoms.” I knew I had been irresponsible. I had allowed myself to be so trusting and comfortable with my partner— something I had never done before. I had never been so intimate with my previous partners, and I felt that I had been punished for allowing myself to become so close to someone. I felt betrayed by someone I had put so much trust in, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be angry with him. Some may call that stupid, and maybe I was, but I also loved him.

FOR A MONTH

Just three days before Valentine’s Day, I walked out of the clinic with a herpes pamphlet in one hand and a tissue soaked by my tears in the other. Later that night I told my boyfriend the news with tears in my eyes, and he took full responsibility for the pain I was in. He cried with me and assured me everything was going to be okay, but I still was not alright. The person i wanted to talk to the most was my mother, but i couldn’t find the courage to even tell her.

One of my roommates, my mentor and my boyfriend became the basin for my tears the following weeks. I didn’t want to get out of my bed or communicate with anyone for at least the first week after finding out. I had gone into a dark place. My grades slipped and unproductivity became my first name. Eventually, however, I came to grips with the fact that a situation like this could happen to anyone and it’s normal.

I almost bought into her spiel, but that same recurring voice pushed me to take the test anyway. On the way out the lady at the front desk told me when to expect results and when they would call, like the previous time. Once again, three days passed, and no call. So I went to Foothillyer. The nurse called me to the back, got my results faxed and began to read my results. She rambled off a series of negatives...no positives. “This test says you tested negative for everything, including herpes.” My immediate response was, “What does that mean?” She couldn’t give me a clear answer so I waited for the physician to come in. After the physician looked through my results she came to the conclusion that my first test was a false positive test.

My heart dropped again. I could not believe that over the past weeks I had been beating myself up on the verge of giving up, just to be It is normal to want to become intimate with your perfectly fine. significant other and not use a condom. Disease is common and I knowingly opened myself up After leaving the clinic I immediately contacted to it. I had accepted that lesson, realized my life my boyfriend and the few people who knew of was not over and had gone back to using my the situation with so much relief. faithful condoms. The main two takeaways from this ordeal was, I went back to the clinic in about three weeks for not to give up on myself when situations go a follow-up. When the nurse brought me to the awry and always protect myself. back she tried to convince me not to waste my money on another $80-dollar blood test. She explained, again, that there was no way that the disease was going to disappear, and even if my numbers went down, I still would have it.

“

STAY PROTECTED, AND USE CONDOMS!”

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

These realizations, fears and struggles may make it seem impossible to find love in college, but it can be found.

s a member of the Lesbian,Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queers (LGBTQ) community, the path to finding love can be a emotionally overwhelming, especially for a college student. It is a path filled with self-realizations, fear, failed relationship attempts and family struggles. While on this path, one might start to feel trapped in a tunnel, hoping that there is a light at the end of it. One of the biggest struggles for a member of the LGBT community is accepting yourself. Before you can ever start to look for a relationship, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that it is alright to be who you are. Being raised in a religious house-hold was difficult. I was taught that it was wrong for two people of the same sex to be together, but for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to other males.

In college there are less people to choose from when it comes to finding a partner. This can become extremely disheartening. It is especially discouraging on a college campus because of the already limited options. It then becomes even harder to find a relationship because people are all at different points emotionally. In college, we, as young people are still learning about ourselves. College LGBTQ members will often run into people who they connect with but aren’t exactly ready to be openly gay.

Chelsea Arnett, a junior at FAMU and Dominique Boyer, a graduate student at the University of South Florida, have been dating for over a year. Arnett explained what it was like before she met her partner Boyer. “The biggest struggle was to find someone who really understood me and had similar goals as in getting married to a woman and having kids,” said Arnett. Boyer realized her personal struggles before meeting Arnett stemmed to stereotypical gender roles.

“It was hard for me to find someone because I’m more feminine and was automatically assumed to be straight,” said Boyer. “I have had relationships with men in the past and found that most lesbians were not willing to date someone who is not a lesbian.” Within their relationship they have the same issues that many people in the LGBT community have. Arnett spoke about how her mom is not comfortable with her sexuality and the energy is often strange when her mother is around. She hopes that this is something they can overcome. The path to finding love for many college-aged queer kids will have many obstacles. The different struggles include internalized issues, external pressures and just overall lack of options. But in due time everyone can find their light at the end of the tunnel.

This can be difficult because in that relationship, you will only feel loved in private. In public you will feel alone and that same person who shows you so much love in private may not even acknowledge your presence when they see you around campus.

I prayed for years that God would come and “fix” me. It was not until I left my home and went to college that I realized it was okay for me to be who I was. There are many obstacles to overcome after you accept yourself. Chazriq Clarke, a sophomore at Florida A&M University, spoke about his experiences and the struggles that members of the LGBTQ community face. “Once you accept yourself, there are still reasons that you would be hesitant to jump into a relationship. At the end of the day, I’m not changing for anybody,” said Clarke. “It is harder for members of the LGBT community to date because there are, simply, less options to choose from. I would talk to guys and they would say, ‘I don’t want a relationship’ or ‘I don’t want to be open with it.” 32

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Dear Momma,

As a child I saw the detrimental effects of how mental illness can impact a whole family. During my sophomore year of high school my life was completely transformed from what it used to be. I went from a stable household to being thrust into the real world and faced with my first life experiences as a young developing teen. Throughout my sophomore year of highschool I went from living with my single mother to living with a friend’s family in order to remain in my school district. This switch in my life ultimately led me to see the forefront of what and how depression and bi polar disorder can directly impact an individual, even someone as courageous and strong as my mom.

like you would breeze in-and-out of my life whenever you felt like this and this would infuriate me even more. I felt as though you were not being a responsible mother and left me to fend for myself.

In the Black community it is rare that we seek therapy with the fear that will be shunned or stigmatized as “crazy”. Being that there is a negative connotation with the word therapy, we rarely discuss mental illness. Nonetheless, do we discuss how mental illness, if left untreated, not only has negative impacts on the individual themselves but their family as a whole and ultimately our community as well. Your mental health crisis came at a crucial time in my life. I was 15 years-old and approaching the tender age of 16. As stated earlier I was ultimately forced to move out of my moms home and into a friends house because of your lack of ability to take care of me solely at this point in my life.

During my second semester at FAMU, specifically the month of January, I was very depressed. It was so hard for me to complete daily tasks and especially assignments. It’s like I was watching myself go through the motions and was never present with anything I was doing. A combination of being homesick and overextending myself led to me having a very dark headspace and feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I began to not talk to my core friend group at the time and push them away. I could not be a friend to them at the time because I had to be there for myself.

During this time I was very hurt emotionally because up until this point in my life my mom was my best friend and we shared an intense bond. I did not understand what you were going through and your lack of ability to provide for me as a mother emotionally. I was selfish in the way of not trying to understand what depression was because I wanted the mother I always remembered to be yourself again. I could not grasp the concept of the dramatic turn my life took because of your mental state. At this point we would not talk for months at a time and when you would reach out to me to try and check on me, I would be passive aggressive. I did not understand how you could go on these long stretches with little to no contact with me and then to seem very pressed to talk to me. As a child, it felt 34

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Now that I am in my 20s I completely understand what you were going through. It is easier for me to see the bigger picture. Instead of being rude and giving you the cold shoulder, I should have been a better daughter and been more accepting and sympathetic. I should have put my own feelings aside and fully embraced you as my mom. I had to go through my own personal slum inorder to give me the ability to empathize with you.

It took for me to experience this myself in order to comprehend what you were going through. You could not be there for me at the time emotionally because you had to be there for yourself. I am so proud of you for being able to dig yourself out of that slum and not let it consume you. My love for you is endless and now I can proudly say I am so happy we both went through this because it has made our bond even stronger. It’s nothing you could do to push me away. I’m here to stay. Love,

Maya Williams

Maya

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

GROWING UP

Plus-Sized s BY DEJANIA OLIVER

don’t remember a time when I was not bigger than the other kids my age. When you’re a kid you never think twice about it. I know I was not concerned with how I looked or my weight when all I wanted to do was play outside with my friends. However, when people say that kids are mean they aren’t exaggerating. By the time I was in the fourth grade, I knew that I looked different. Some of the kids I interacted with made sure I knew it too. Ly’kimbria Jackson, a student at Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University, experienced bullying for how she looked. “I was made fun of because of my weight and I faced a lot of bullying,” Jackson said. “That did affect me mentally, and it really affected my self-esteem.” I remember one day in particular. I used to attend the Boys and Girls Club in Hartford, Connecticut in elementary school. I had only a few friends there, but I loved playing with them in the gym or playing the board games they had available. One afternoon, one of the girls who I thought was my friend came up to me and asked me if I was pregnant. Obviously, I wasn’t at 8 or 9 years old, and I didn’t even know how babies were made back then, but when she started touching my stomach and laughing, I knew what she was referring to.

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

I distinctly remember running into the bathroom and crying my eyes out. I think that is the first time I started comparing myself to other girls. I began noticing how their stomachs didn’t poke out like mine did and their cheeks weren’t as puffy. I started sucking in my stomach more. Purposefully at first but after a while, I did it unconsciously. I went from a playful girl to a self-conscious one.

I wish I could say I have embraced myself and all my flaws, but that wouldn’t be the truth. It is going to take time to unlearn things I have heard since childhood. I hope that eventually, I will learn to love my size.

Tanasia Reed, a sophomore broadcast journalism student, said elementary and middle school were bad times for her as well. “I used to hate going to school because it drained me,” Reed said. “…my confidence was at an all-time low.” In middle school, it was worse. There was a boy who made fun of me every time I got on the bus, and every day his words would hurt more and more. By this age, my toxic relationship with food developed. I was eating whenever I was sad or mad and it made me feel better. With each comment made, I turned to food and ate until I felt okay again. Until one day, I got tired of people laughing at me and I stood up for myself. He never bothered me again. I felt powerful and in control, and my 11-year-old mind convinced me that when you are mean, people will stop being mean to you. I got into arguments and fights all the time, and I put up a front that I was the most confident girl in the world. But the truth is my self-confidence was nonexistent and I was sad all the time. I started wearing shirts that were one size too big so I could hide all my insecurities to the world. My mind was spiraling, but on the outside I was fine. I currently suffer from chronic depression, and although my body image is not the sole reason for that, it plays a big part. I still wear clothes that are too big, and sometimes I still don’t like what I see in the mirror. But I am better now, and I have so much more conWfidence than before. Mikayla Jenkins, a third-year facilities management student, says she has grown a lot since she was younger. “Every day is a struggle of course,” Jenkins said. “But I do feel myself maturing and becoming more confident in myself.” JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Rape CULTURE ON

COLLEGE CAMPUS BY KYLAH THOMPSON

iolence against women is an insidious phenomenon that continues to reveal itself amidst local communities and even among the people we know. Whether it’s through hearing the story of a friend’s disregarded consent, seeing the rescue of trafficked teens on the news, or witnessing a star athlete in the hot seat after being accused of sexual misconduct, rape culture is alive and festering at the forefront of our society and college campuses are currently hotbeds. Toni Christopher, a third-year Public Relations student at Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University, shared her frustration concerning safety measures she and other students must regularly take.

“It’s just ridiculous,” Christopher said. “I don’t understand how they expect us to protect ourselves. I’m five foot four, I can’t fight off a grown man.” Just last semester, FAMU students were frantically enhancing their methods of staying safe. This included walking home with a buddy, avoiding late-night outings, and equipping themselves with self-defense devices such as pepper spray, knives, and tasers. This response came largely as a result of an uptick in viral cautionary posts on social media, detailing ways that predators distract people with the intent to disarm and subsequently abduct them. There was also an increase, on Twitter specifically, of missing person posts, with family members begging for retweets in hopes of finding their loved ones. Many of the victims were young, African-American women and children, reflecting FAMU’s student demographics. According to Florida State University’s toolkit on healthy relationships: “college sexual assault victims suffer from higher levels of mental health problems, drug use and alcohol abuse than non-victims.” Further statistics address the long-term effects of sexual assault on the mind, such as, “suicides are higher in sexual victims than non-victims. It is also important to consider that, according to the toolkit, not all victims are women and that “LGBT students are at a greater risk of assault than heterosexual students.” Mental health is often intertwined with the trauma of sexual assault, so the push for better resources is imperative for the well-being of students. Fortunately, FAMU has also taken steps to combat the element of dismissal associated with sexual assault, including the decision to appoint an official victim advocate in the spring of 2019. This role, currently held by Sarika Griffin, is posed to offer preventative measures for students to stay safe, but also serves as a reliable resource in the event of questionable incidents and overt violations.

“

SUICIDES ARE HIGHER IN SEXUAL VICTIMS THAN NON-VICTIMS.” 40

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Students have also moved to organize university supported missions that promote safety awareness. One group in particular, “Warriors Against Rape”, held a meeting in January of 2020 in response to the sex-trafficking related incidents in the Tallahassee area. Like Warriors Against Rape, Planned Parenthood’s FAMU Chapter of Generation Action exhibits the overwhelming intention of spreading awareness. Problems like sexual violence are worsened when responses are often in the tone of skepticism and have a strong reliance on available data before making a judgment. According to Politico.com, there has also been a trend, among Florida colleges specifically, for fewer rapes to be documented than the national average. The website asserts that “national victims advocates and legal experts say the lack of reported rapes to the U.S. Department of Education…do not necessarily mean sexual assault is less common in Florida’s campus communities.” Until rape is accurately represented in terms of its occurrence, and in the form of inexplicable data, it will not hold the weight of the crisis that it is. Asia Jones, a sophomore studying Cardio-Pulmonary Science, said in a time of crisis she did not consider FAMU PD to be her most viable option. “I don’t stay on campus anymore,” Jones said. “But even when I did, I didn’t feel safe.” According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, safety is among an individual’s foundational requirements before advancing one’s personal evolution. Universities are centers for higher learning and are designed to advance humanity. With that in mind, when colleges and other powers that be acknowledge the societal trauma that takes place as a result of rape and inaction towards it, colleges and its similarly powerful organizations will have served their purpose.

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

Anymore. I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT BY GABRIELLE HALL

or years mental health in the black community was deemed taboo. In relation to this, young black children’s suicide rates have increased at an alarming rate. The question now becomes: why is no one paying attention? There is a stigma attached to our mental health. Most times, young people try to reach out to family

family, your cries for help may be ignored. According to a study done by Mental Health America, the lack of psychological openness has an effect on coping behaviors. Many people are not open to admitting they suffer from mental health issues. Tamara Hawkins, a psychologist for the Department of Veteran Affairs of Tallahassee, said when a suicide occurs in the black community, they feel it’s a conspiracy because of the stigma. “We are highly religious,” Hawkins said. “We feel as if there is a higher power that guides us, and suicide is something that is contradictory to that religion.” The Black community has taken on a persona of strength and perseverance. While those are empowering words to stand by, it strips away parts of our humanity. This persona is passed down through generations and it hinders young Black kids from expressing their thoughts. Black teenagers are more likely to attempt suicide than white teenagers.

The pressures for young black people are more intense than in the past. There is discrimination, social media, online bullying, PTSD from crime neighborhoods, familial pressures and school. When you have multiple factors that add pressure on a person’s life, getting out of bed may be just another dark day. Normal sadness is a feeling everyone has when something negative affects their life or others. But, individuals who suffer from clinical depression, involving a consistent loss of interest in activities or depressed mood, and having a variety of negative emotions, suicide may feel like the only option because you can’t feel the weight of the world on your shoulders if you’re not alive. Dr. Phyllis Welch-Johnson, a professor of Sociology and Criminal Justice at FAMU, said with all the issues going on in the world today, there is a lot of pressure put on young people. “When you have a lot of expectations on you and you can’t excel or succeed in all of them, it’s hard,” Welch said. “It’s very hard for young people these days and a lot of times, [suicide] is the only way out.” Social media affects young people in a tremendous way as well. There’s an image of perfection that people aspire to reach. On social media, the line blurs between what is real and what is fake. Not only is the image of perfection mainstreamed across all media platforms, but also countless videos of injustice.

....

I JUST CANT TAKE IT IT.... 42

JOURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

There have been countless videos of young black teens being attacked or killed by policemen. In turn, there is usually no justice served on behalf of those individual lives that were lost. Tiffany Twilley, a shelter advocate for Domestic Violence, said social media can be damaging. “While this is a wonderful tool, I think it can add to the feelings of hopelessness,” Twilley said.

“

WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPECTATIONS ON YOU AND YOU CAN’T EXCEL OR SUCCEED IN ALL OF THEM, IT’S HARD. IT’S VERY HARD FOR YOUNG PEOPLE THESE DAYS AND A LOT OF TIMES, [SUICIDE] IS THE ONLY WAY OUT.

If you or someone you know may have suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK or The National Alliance on Mental Illness 1 (800) 950-NAMI.

”

“We’re not just reading about police shootings of black people in the paper; there are actual videos of the injustice experienced just by existing in a black body.” Seeing images of people who look like you murdered or falsely labeled can have a tremendous effect on a person’s psyche. The internet is forever so these images don’t go away. It doesn’t help when new footage of similar incidents regularly surface. It’s like a continuous nightmare playing out in your head. The best way for the black community to advocate on behalf of suicide is to educate themselves on the issue. We can reduce the number of black kids who feel hopeless when we talk about the issue. The stigma is damaging to the black community because it prevents those suffering from seeking treatment.

THE SEMICOLON ABOVE REPRESENTS MENTAL HEALTH AND SUICIDE PREVENTION.

I JUST JUSS CANT TAKE IT.... IT JOURNEY OURNEY MAGAZINE • April 2020

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