Estrella by: Sara Estrella Beroff

BY: SARA ESTRELLA BEROFF | AGE: 32 IDENTITY: BISEXUAL, POLYAMOROUS AND AUTISTIC

I have become my grandmother. Her gnarled hands, stiff with arthritis but too stubborn to stop sewing. My first memory is of my hands. Staring at them, pudgy and small, wondering if they would grow to be woman ' s hands Like my mother first then my grandmother

I wear my mother ' s golden bangle now The most important part of her soul, permanently part of me. It is so brilliant and bright I had to wait several years before I could afford a wedding ring bright and golden to compete.

I remember the way my grandmother lost her identity. She became dis abled. The way she yearned to teach me how to sew better. To be a woman better.

I am so afraid I am losing an identity. I am afraid of becoming dis abled. Recently, this past year, I have started to lose my hands. They are not falling off, nor are they gnarled. Just becoming dis abled

Ironically it happened when I was serving a friend a girl friend of mine as my mom would describe them. I went to grab the spoon and I did not.

Some days my hands work Some days they don 't.

And I feel like light from the star of my identity is fading