3 minute read
LIFE AFTER LOVE
This year has left people dealing with the death of a loved one unexpectedly. There was often no time to prepare – or say goodbye. Two women whose lives were shattered by the sudden death of their partners talk to MC magazine about how they live with their loss.
Jackie Foster was 32 and newly pregnant with her third baby when her husband Tom died in a road accident. He was 33.
Jackie and Tom on their wedding day
She recalls the day her world collapsed. “A police support officer knocked on my door and said ‘I’m sorry, your husband died this afternoon”. The sense of vulnerability was overwhelming, I just felt numb”.
“I remember the imprint of his head in the pillow when I went to bed. I dreaded sleep, because when I woke time momentarily stood still then reality hit like a mallet. “You carry on but you want to sit and almost torture yourself. The only way I could get through the days was to make a plan – to this day, if he comes in my mind I make a plan to help me cope. The coroner came with questions. Was the marriage happy? Was Tom pleased about the baby? “It felt like he was checking for evidence” said Jackie.
The couple had been together since their teens, endured tough times when their son survived leukaemia, and were excited to welcome the new addition to their family.
“The antenatal doctor asked if I wanted to keep the baby. Because of the age gap maybe they thought he was an accident, but he was the best thing that could have happened. I felt I got a bit of Tom back.”
She struggled to protect her children from the harsh reality. “My 10 year old daughter, found me crying one day. She said ‘mum it’s ok you can cry in front of us’. You don’t just have to handle your grief you have to support them in theirs.”
Managing occasions – birthdays – anniversaries, is a challenge for anyone. Again Jackie made plans to get through the day.
On Father’s Day after Tom died I said to them: ‘We’ve still got a dad, what would you like to do? He loved birds so we took a picnic to Martin Mere. I knew there’d be other dads there, but I didn’t want my kids to be sad.”
The pressure intensified. “I was holding the children up, but no one could help me. It was sink or swim, and one day I just couldn’t swim any more. I decided, quite rationally, to take my life and take the kids with me so they wouldn’t have any more pain.
“Now it’s hard to even think about, but at the time it seemed for the best. It wasn’t hysterical or out of grief, I was just tired of living. Then I thought about my wider family and asked myself how could I do that to them? The thoughts lingered, but you have to pick up the pieces and carry on.”
She chose to give birth alone, wanting her children to be the first to know. From then on Jackie knew she was mum and dad for the foreseeable future.
“I turned into a Spice Girl; there was nothing I wouldn’t attempt. Having something to aim for gave me an inner strength. I’d say to someone, find something to live for and aim towards and go for it.
“It’s also important to do what your body tells you rather than other people. If you want to keep clothes do it. We’re all different.”
She self counsels. “I’d often feel cheated. I’d blame my situation for anything that went wrong. I had to tell myself to stop being a victim.”
After 22 years Jackie met a new partner, himself a widower.
“I never wanted to spend my life alone and we’re happy together. The loss never goes away, but you have a life with the person and a life without them. Some people never have the love I had for my husband. For that I’m very grateful.”
Jackie Foster
