DON'T ASK, JUST DO

When Liz Coop’s husband Simon said he felt unwell they both thought it was ‘flu and that a hot bath, warm drinks and a good night’s sleep would do the trick.

But Simon never woke up. When the couple’s four year old daughter paid them an early morning visit, he was dead.

Liz’s memory of the events are still clear – the 999 call, the police at the door – and the completely irrational thought of who would help set up her two daughters’ computers if they went to university.

Sudden death is exactly that.

She remembers people crossing the road to avoid speaking to her, difficult conversations that were more about the other person’s grief, and offers of help that didn’t go so well.

I was so grateful. Those people created ‘safe spaces’ for me and my girls.

Liz Coop

Hannah Couzens Photography

But she also recalls acts of kindness. The friends who cooked for them, support from her family and their church, teachers being especially kind to the girls – someone helping her choose new taps.

“I was so grateful. Those people created ‘safe spaces’ for me and my girls,” says Liz.

Her advice to a friend in grief? “Don’t ask, just do’. Cook for them, let them talk. Make it about them. If you drive them somewhere and they want to leave early, leave early.”

17 years on Liz can see how she tried to normalise everything and keep the memory of Simon alive for her children. They’d look at family photographs, read letters and celebrate everything that was Simon Coop. But it has gradually dawned on her that what happened was anything but normal.

We have different sorts of conversations about Simon now.

Liz and the girls have had counselling. She said: “I think that my first session was just too early, but it was another counsellor who gave me the focus to go back to work which is the best thing I did.

“I had to do it, we needed the money; but she allowed me to see the situation objectively. I wrote to tell her how much she helped me stand a little taller.”

Liz realises that change is afoot. One daughter is at university and the other was on the brink of moving to London when the pandemic arrived.

“We have different sorts of conversations about Simon’s death now” she says. “We’ve talked about going away together on the day, making it a special family time but in a different place.”

She’s open to marrying again – but not online dating. “The girls encourage me to create an online profile, but that fills me with dread.”

• Simon died of myocarditis, inflammation of the heart muscle, probably following a viral infection.

• The NHS website has links to bereavement support: nhs.uk