3 minute read
TIME TO THINK
This is hard work, it takes some getting used to.
Priest Jenny Bridgman talks about her own challenges staying home with children – and how viewing it as a retreat may just work.
TIME TO THINK
Ilove spending time with my kids. But so often I am only half present to them. The noise and the mess and the lack of routine threatens to send me over the edge.
So I hide myself in my phone, or a book, or chores. There are deeper challenges, too. Spending undiluted time in the company of three “mini-mes” holds a mirror up to my own failings. The slower pace of the school holidays becomes a crash course in mindful, meditative parenting. I have to confront my own shadow side: my irritation, my impatience, my anger.
As a priest, I know that spiritual retreats are tough. The dross of life is stripped away. As you go deeper into silence and simplicity, you are forced to look inwards. You see yourself with your props, your safety blankets and your masks taken away.
What if prolonged periods at home, or school holidays, could become a sort of spiritual retreat? An opportunity to learn from young masters who have great wisdom to offer.
This is what a “Parenting Retreat” might look like: JUST BE PRESENT
Kids don’t want great entertainment or expensive fun. They just want you. Mine love paper and cardboard and leaves and stones and sand. Often, I just watch, or ask questions. They surprise me with the breadth of their imagination and resourcefulness. We once had days of fun with a cardboard box and some poster paint. 30
DON’T FIGHT THE INNER WORK
Offering the kids my attentiveness and presence means fewer distractions and more mindfulness. It’s a challenge to break the habit of picking up my phone whenever they turn away from me. It means I have to confront some of my own inner bleakness. The bits I numb with a dopamine hit from social media likes. This is hard work, it takes some getting used to, and gets worse before it gets better. But it leaves me feeling like I’ve done some tough and rewarding inner work.
MAKE A LIST
The highlight of each day is the first task: making a list. I ask the kids what they want to do, we write it down, and we do it. This gives them space to think about what they really want to do. It means I can steel myself for the messy stuff. It teaches them about compromise, and about making space for each other. It also means I can be honest with them about any jobs I have to do that will take me away from them. Often those jobs become a game in themselves! FORGET PERFECTION
We still argue. There are always tantrums – sometimes mine. There is a lot of mess. Things go unfinished. But letting go of perfection gives us a chance to talk about mess and anger and sadness. It gives us a chance to say sorry. It gives us permission to express ourselves, however badly. It avoids the daily build up of bad feeling that would otherwise lead to an ‘end of my tether’ moment.
REST TOGETHER
We pack a lot into our days. But we also spend a lot of time under a blanket, watching Netflix together. It gives me space to breath, and it stops the kids living at 100mph for the whole day. In fact, most days they choose a film to put on the ‘list’ of things to do that day. We rest together, and we built that time into the day.
I tried this “Parenting Retreat” one summer. Like any spiritual retreat, it took determination and it wasn’t without tears. But I look back on that summer as one of the best times of my life. A time in which I found, surrendered and forgot myself. I became one human in a gang of four who had no agenda but fun and laughter.
So for those who find parenting impossible, who sit and cry on the sofa while the kids watch DVDs, who collapse among the mess and are too exhausted to laugh anymore. To those who hide in the loo, and regret their shouting, and feel haunted by the guilt of parenting failures. To those who are bored, frustrated, and annoyed by their kids. That’s me too. But it can be different. It can be transformed.
