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Who can boys turn to as they become men? We look at the influence of social media on young men’s identity and talk to an expert about the importance of positive male role models.

Social media is king for both sexes. But research suggests boys without a positive real life role model can find online versions where aggression and violence is the ‘norm.’

While opinion is divided on whether focusing on male role models could downplay the contribution of women in a boy’s life, the overall view is that young people value respect, trust and consistency. They need to know someone is commited and cares about them.*

Clinical psychologist Jason Poole supports young men with emotional issues.

“I see so many boys struggling to discover what kind of man they could be,” says Jason. “If they’re lacking in confidence, social media can appear to offer all the answers but sites that glorify aggression, emotional distance and disrespect as ‘manly’ can become their influence.

“Boys can also be victims of what’s known as toxic masculinity - they can be anxious about what other men will think of them. It can make them ashamed to talk about what they really want and need.”

Jason says it’s important for parents and carers to take notice. “The reality is that by the time a child is 15, parents and carers don’t have a huge amount of influence on them. The big question is ‘do you know who does?’ It’s important to keep a connection with them even if you don’t get much back at first. If you notice someone who you care about talking in derogatory ways about women, that person needs your support. They need to understand that this is an unacceptable and unkind way to think or talk about another human being but that you still care and love them.

“They need to know you are there for them, no matter what.”

*open.edu/openlearn/educationdevelopment/working-youngpeople/do-boys-need-male-rolemodels

Ways to help – Jason’s tips:

• Ask which accounts they’re following and watch with them. Encourage a discussion but don’t lecture

• Interest in media encouraging ‘toxic’ behaviour is often because of social anxiety or body image issues. Try to resolve their concerns and improve their self confidence by helping them join a club or a gym

• Let their school or college know you are concerned. These ideas are often an issue involving a group of classmates.

If you’re concerned about a young person, let their school or college know. More advice can also be found at Future Men Future Men - Future Men and MIND: mind.org

Anyone can be a role model

It’s not just family members who can act as a role model. Jason recalls how a member of his team supported a 17 year old patient, Daniel (not his real name) who struggled with his emotions.

“Daniel would become aggressive when things didn’t go his way. He was scathing towards his mum and grandma and struggled with friendships. He’d spend most of his time alone and would often go down the YouTube ‘rabbit hole’ on websites where violence was the norm.”

Mental health practitioner Gary McCluskey was asked to help. Jason explains, “Gary spent time building a connection with Daniel. He’d talk about how he felt when he was Daniel’s age. Gary listened to him and then gently guided him to a way of thinking where he was able to consider things from other people’s point of view. He helped Daniel understand that there are other ways for men to behave.

“Daniel’s now gained confidence in himself and has social skills he didn’t have before. He’s back in college and his family say he’s much more respectful and outgoing.”

More information

In her book From Boys to Men, author and parenting expert Maggie Dent empowers parents to stay calm as they help boys progress through adolescence. Topics include communicating to defuse conflict, help them to cope with and recover from loss and failure, foster healthy relationships and navigate the digital world.

Published by Pan Macmillan Australia.