The first time

CPThe first time

#narrativefiction, #remembrance, #presentism

Laura was born in a small town in 1962, to a happily married couple who long dreamt of the perfect baby she would become. Her development, by the age of three, in no manner contradicted the Ages and Stages parent’s guide to normal childhood. Her first scrolling along the kitchen floor, her first steps and first ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’, all seemed marked by universal seasonal changes. Her personality slowly formed to be cheerful and well mannered, as her construction of sentences grew more complex with time. At the age of five she had already developed a talkative character, and her parents saw in a cute light her habit to call family members by a different name. So was the case with Laura’s aunt’s daughter, for example, who she would call David. Her aunt and mum, in between their agitated Sunday gatherings, discussed how funny it would have been for their father to witness his name mistaken by his grandchild’s. The name swap seemed to be a costume that Laura embraced with all normality. She even called herself differently, Dana. By the age of seven, Laura’s parents had grown awfully concerned. Laura’s occupation with names was now joined by stories which could no longer be taken lightly.

As the alarm clock went on, Laura jumped out of bed, rushing to her appointment. She decided to take the train to avoid the traffic, and as she sat down she took out her diary. Every morning, Laura rehearsed the same ritual. She wrote down memories that the people she met the day before had evoked. She also titled her diary in a rather unpoetic manner, considering her experience, Of reincarnation and past lives. The particular notebook she was holding in her hands was just one of the many she had already filled in with Dana’s past, that by now had outgrown her. After all the daily flashbacks had poured out of her, she would energetically close off the diary and put it back into her purse. From that moment of the day on, Laura couldn’t care less about remembering Dana’s life in such disturbing detail. In fact, she had cultivated a parallel obsession, to construct a full new life for herself. Her appointment today was the fifth this week.

The moment Laura had grown old enough to wander off to the nearest city, she joined any community centre activity she could find in the ads. She would make new acquaintances at a rate that to other people would be unbearable. It was excessive to herself too, actually, but she got hooked to the sensation of saying ‘Hi, hello, my name is Laura, yours?’ and having a blank page appear in her mind. No previous connection, no attachment, no responsibility. It was a relieving

experience, worth the effort. Her friendships didn’t really last. For her, creating a bond had become more like an existential checklist. A list that had to grow larger than Dana’s in order not to disappear in Dana’s past.

Laura was aware, though, that for as long as she would remain in her family’s home town, her ambition was doomed to fail. There were too many karmic ligatures around.

But she didn’t know how to overcome one sensitive thing. When she engaged with someone she truly appreciated, it could never live up to what Dana had experienced. While Dana’s dear cousin, David, married strongly influenced by the family’s interests, her partnerships had always been very close to her heart. Those sentiments and remembrances would permeable flow between Dana’s and Laura’s existence, in a way that the present got a sense of a constant past. During Laura’s moments of intimacy, vivid visions would infiltrate unforgivably. She could then see the eyes of that man standing in front of Dana, with unsettling precision. The eyes, the focus and intensity, and that particular moment in time that kept reappearing in front of her. She couldn’t remember all the details, but that image would nonetheless leave Laura every time still.

Laura came out of the train vividly, walking with that swing that would take her over when she was excited. It was a particular movement, and a smooth and dynamic countermovement, the bodily drift of adrenaline and of a hunger for more. She opened the door of the community centre and ventured rapidly to the third floor, where the gathering would be taking place. As she entered the room, she put down her coat, fully in control. No glimpse of nervousness or hesitation. She scanned around subtly, as she normally would. ‘Do I know anyone?’, she wondered to herself, knowing deep down this frenzy was cursed to cease once again soon.