The Androgyne: an ode to myself, my friends and my recent ex

The Androgyne: an ode to myself, my friends and my recent exEJR #monologue, #letter, #love, #communication

Jules

I met you in a bar, just shortly after I met a mutual friend of ours. I had just moved to the city and worked day and night at the restaurant to try and make ends meet in my involuntary gap year. I knew no one in the city, just the few people I shared a student house with who had mainly been art students. I quit my university, studying earth sciences had not been as glamorous as I had expected it to be. In my naive 17 year old brain, I thought I would be off to foreign countries in no time, taking soil samples with the hope to switch to archeology at some point. So to keep myself busy and meet new people, in the few free hours I had to spare, I just hung out at bars. Usually getting too drunk and ending up in strangers beds, to then arrive at work late the next morning. I had just known our mutual friend for a week, a flamboyant fine art student called Leroy who seemed to be friends with everyone, when he asked me to go out with him. We went to this scruffy bar where they played Robin and served ridiculously cheap cocktails. I quickly lost Leroy as he went, as I now know, his usual social butterflying way. Alone in this bar, which was too crowded, too noisy, the music too loud, the smell of just grown-out-of-puberty-but-not-completely sweat hanging in the air, I scanned the room for other vaguely familiar faces. That’s when I saw you. You were in the middle of the improvised dance floor, your dark blond hair slicked back in your then iconic wet look, piercing blue eyes, a row of silver rings in your ears, a butchy heavy-chain resembling necklace, sharp jawline, black clothes, meshy top, platform boots. You had a subtle, nonchalant, coolness about you. You drew me in with your eyes. You introduced yourself. I was in a trance. You could feel my displacement, my newness, my youth. You asked me if I wanted to go outside to smoke a cigarette with you. I obliged. You took me by the hand as we moved outside and swiftly touched my hip when we exited through the door.

You asked me if I was new to the city and I told you my story, of feeling lonely, of feeling estranged. Not knowing what my future would bring, feeling sad and useless working as a waitress, having too little time to reflect. Too many lovesick nights, too many one night stands turned into accidental crushes, too much shit. You comforted me, we smoked another, you bought me drinks, you looked deep into my eyes with a calming certainty that everything was going to be alright. You are young, you have time, you seemed to be wanting to tell me, or imprint on me. We danced until I got tired. You asked me if I wanted to com home with you to drink a cup of tea.

You lived on the highest part of town, overlooking the city and the train station. Your house was a dream filled with tasteful vintage furniture, curious ceramic objects, books and with your own and friends photographic work hanging on the wall. We drank tea and talked for hours until sunrise. You asked me if I wanted to stay over. We slept in your bed, spooning but barely touching. I could feel your heart beating through your shirt, your chest, against my back.

I could hear your every breath, arduous sometimes caused by the–as I now know–asthma, amplified by your smoking. The smoking that you kept picking up and quitting again, only for a few months and whenever a stressful period was approaching you would start again.

That afternoon we had lunch together. It felt like we’d known each other for years. That was the beginning of our friendship, that year we dated for a brief moment, which ended after finding out we were more compatible as close friends. You felt and feel like a sibling to me, as you keep telling me quite often too. You pushed me to apply for the fine art program. You overflowed with joy when I got in. We started living together shortly after. Those were the first times we fought, mainly about my never ending flow of temporary boyfriends who – and in retrospect you were completely right – treated me like shit. I was with you when you came out to me as non-binary. I was with you when you came out as trans. I saw you grow into an artist, an activist, a public speaker, an artistic researcher, a teacher, a fighter. As your body grew on T (the term used by the trans community for the hormone testosterone) your muscles grew tighter, your mind grew stronger, as did your willpower and your need for justice.

Last summer we cycled to the other side of the city, where the air was cooler and the intense heat seemed a little less unbearable. We laid down on a blanket in the tall grass on the river bank overlooking the city that kept on going without us. We brought two bottles of wine to celebrate my admission to the master and to drink on my goodbye. As we drank we talked about the first time we met and all the years that followed and how we had ended up to be here exactly on this day, on this blanket, on this afternoon, in the tall grass. I reminisced about your piercing blue eyes and how they had become more intense in looks and in color as you grew older.

You told me you loved me. We kissed like two friends that were reunited after so many years apart. Or maybe we kissed like that because we knew what was about to come. We kissed goodbye.

December 2018 N: Hey could you pay me the money for drinks last night? I will send you a tikkie!! B: Noor!!! I’m not going :((( N: Ben! Where are you, I’m making chocolate milk :) B: Are you going to be there tomorrow? N: Yes of course!! B: Buennoooo buenoo B: Are you awake? N: BB I woke up at seven! (annoyed) B: Okay okay I was just checking N: I just had two hours of driving lessons B: Mitch is already here, I will be here at 17 N: I will be there at 5 past 13 B: Good N: I will arrive earlier, I managed to get on an earlier train B: “sends a screenshot of a tinder profile” N: AAAAHHH, I’m dead! B: YES! But how?! B: Do you get it? N: I don’t know N: I’m confused N: You know I sort of broke up with Django last night…. B: Well it’s not like I didn’t see that coming.. B: Or are you confused because of the break up? N: That is what everyone keeps saying! N: No because of that boy B: Aah that’s good? N: Yes I’ve never felt this relieved N: It just wasn’t working N: I noticed that I was becoming unhappier by the day, we just can’t give each other what we both need B: No, I understand. It makes me think of this talk that we had about me and Lionel, and dating someone who’s going through something. Not that Lionel and Django are the same, but you get it. N: Yes, just drama, walking on eggshells. It’s just not worth it. N: I just felt it B: He’s just not capable of being in a relationship at the moment N: You’re absolutely right N: I just can’t be myself around him N: Where are you? B: Downstairs N: Like in the basement or on the ground floor? B: Noor, I think I need to ask Lyra to participate in that conversation

2019 N: Bennyyy!! Happy New YEAR!! Are you coming to De Groen this evening? B: YOU TOO my darling! I’m here! Where are you?? B: I don’t know if I’m going to stay here all evening.. N: I need to be there at 9 B: Ahhhh. Mmm well I need to work tomorrow so I’ll leave early. B: You know we can also ask Julius. B: For Tuesday. B: Damn it’s almost my birthday. B: Should I do ‘wedding’ as a theme? B: I want to do something that’s inclusive yet not too much fuss B: Maybe ‘wedding’ and ‘glitter’?! B: Sounds a bit too corny B: How did your performance go? N: It went well. N: You can also do funeral? B: OMGGGGGG GOOOODDD IDEAAAAA N: I need to tell you so much, my god this holiday! B: I’m sorry I didn’t show up btw B: Same here!!! B: Let’s meet N: Lunch?

Dearest Noortje, Hereby your request for a letter is fulfilled. End of letter. I only jest, sorry. I suppose it was also time to address certain matters of the heart. First off, I want to mention how grateful I am to have received a smile so warm and sweet, it stuck to me since that very first smile. This might get super gooey and sweet so stick with me please. Okay, here we go; when I saw you walking towards me in the city, it was in slow motion, you stood out from the crowd and you had me gasping for air (in my head) a little. Then the realization came to me that I knew you, though somehow it felt completely different by the way our eyes met and we exchanged ‘the smile’. You warmed my heart and ever since, keep warming my heart every time you smile at me and see right through me. Since we started seeing each other more and more, I’ve grown quite fond of you. How I can make you laugh (at me) and I at you makes me so comfortable. Your secret dork/nerd side completely won me over and I absolutely adore it. You make me feel calm and loved when you reach for my hand when we walk. I know I’ve told you already, but my mantra for this year was: love & patience. Never could I have guessed or dared thinking I was the one receiving this at this time when I wasn’t even searching. Being around you gives a certain balance. It’s not restricting or claustrophobic whatever, there’s all the time and space in the world to be myself/ourselves with each other. I can’t wait to see you grow and see all the amazing things you will do may I have the honor of calling you: my love? Truly yours, Laurent X

L: Are we still together? N: I don’t know… N: If I’m honest with myself, I’m not happy at the moment. I think we need to have a serious conversation about this, especially with the approaching move. Missed voice call by Laurent <3 L: Can you please pick up! L: I think we’re both unhappy . This is making me hopelessly sad because I want to communicate with you, especially about these kinds of things, and all of a sudden everything is so black and white. L: I ask you every time what’s going on, you never reply!! L: So please can we talk about this! N: I’m sorry, not now L: I wanted to leave you to have some time for yourself today but I just want to say, I do love you and I don’t want to lose you. I really want to make this work.

They grab their phone. Open up the app store. A friend recommended OKCupid. They download the app.

Details: Woman | Lesbian, Pansexual, Queer | Open to either monogamy or non-monogamy | Single | She/Her/They/Them …….. They/ Them

They hesitate. She, her, they, them. They, Them. They let the words roll over their tongue, come out of their mouth to see whether they fit, feel right, do not ask for a performance of femininity. Do not ask for a feminine body. A young woman. A woman’s body. The body of a young fresh girl. A girl. A cunt, tits.

Am I really all that is. We see boobs and we see women. We see a supposed female figure stuffing a slimy creature in their panties and all we see in a woman pissing. Wetting themselves.

Ancient 60s performance art references pop up in our mind. How exciting, what is that person going to do with those scissors? Sweating with anticipation as the blade snips closer and closer to the stiff rosy grey nipples.

About me — My self summary: Visual Artist and Master Artistic Research student — intersectional feminism, performance artist, kink and fetish lover.

Try to be vegan, but mostly vegetarian. Love the outdoors, cycling, hiking, whatever. Looking for new connections, friends, meaningful hookups and fun dates.

I have an Ibizan Hound and a cat so animal lover is a must.

Would love to find someone to watch tentacle porn with.

Cannot see likes, so if I tickle you send me a message or check my Instagram @eleonoralien

X