Queers in
Cyberspace Cyberspace Cyberspace hooking up online and through social media
Introduction Introduction This zine was created as a guide to dating in the modern age. Throughout our time in class we’ve learned about how sex and social life coincide, and how different sexualities lead different lives behind closed doors. However in recent times, It seems as though those expectations are thrown clear out the window when we introduce modern technology into the mix. By looking into how social media has affected self-expression, we can also look at how social media has changed the dating game for good. Hopefully, we can all recognize the benefits of having social media in our lives to help us navigate relationships and breakups, as well as understand how the horrors online aren’t new, they’re the same problems in different packaging. At the end of the day, there is no one size fits all medium for finding a partner, but Dating Apps could be seen as one size fits most. To be clear: This zine is about queer people, and for queer people. While there may be a significant amount of overlap in how hetero and homo folks get down, all of the research conducted and mentioned in this zine has a focus on the LGBTQ+ community. Happy Reading! kara
Cosmic Stranger on front page illustrated by Ivy Tran Spaceman and Satellite courtesy of freepng.com
in in this this zine.... zine.... In this zine.... What is Hookup Culture? An Introduction to Modern Dating 101 Analysis of the Queer Population: Dating Data The The 7 7 Stages Stages of of Dating Dating and and the the Scripts Scripts we we use use online online Make Room for the Marginalized: Talking frankly about the issues we face Toxic-- Not Just a Song By Britney Spears: Toxic Standards and Behaviors Online. Hook, Line and Sinker: Interactions online that make or break your dating life during COVID
Also Including... The Four Horseman of the Blocked Profile
Texting Like you’re in Love
WWCBD?
Casper the Friendly Ghost’s Presentation
2
What is Hookup Culture? Defining the culture that defined a generation While dating is considered the precursor to marriage, within the past few generations a new addition made its way into the dating scene: hooking up. Hooking up can best describe a relationship between two people that is usually sexually charged and noncommittal.1.The non-committal aspect is the number one difference between hooking up and dating. We live in an age now were having sex with someone without dating has been normalized to a point where dating someone is more surprising. Is that a good thing?
Let’s Hookup Candy Heart found on Appalachian State University’s Department of Sociology Website
Hookup culture has opened the door for many conversations: female empowerment through sex, male toxicity, sexual fluidity and more issues that dating seemed to sweep under the rug. With conventionalism out, has our new culture opened the door for a better sex life for all? Moreover, when it’s all said and done, is dating still a thing? Has hooking up rendered the expectation for long-term committed relationships useless? This question gets even harder to answer when we introduce technology to this conversation. What has technology done to our intimacy? Do we need commitment or is a heart-eyes emoji enough? Hooking up may start as easy as a smile from across the bar, how does that translate into a relationship? How do we have that conversation? What parts of hookup culture liberate our people, and what parts continue to perpetuate the harmful effects of supremacy for marginalized communities? Hopefully the following information can help us to start and think more deeply about the relationships we’ve had, and the relationships that have yet to come.
Image found on Tumblr, Illustration by tumblr user Stoffberg
Okay... But What is QUEER Hookup Culture? Realistically, hookup culture IS queer culture. Born from a time where being anything but straight created a dangerous space for public relationships, queer people manifested a culture that satisfies the physical engagement of relationships, without the involvement of emotions or one’s personal life. Moreover, queer hookup culture transformed the online space early on into a relatively safe space to find someone to talk to or meet up with. Craigslist ads and other anonymous dating platforms allowed for queer people to manifest their own form of sexuality into a profile that reflected their interests and expectations. Queer hookup culture still involves some of the pitfalls of heterosexual hookup culture, but over the years queer hookup culture has become more accepting of issues that are still relatively taboo for straight people, most notably being sex-work. As time has moved on, many people were faced with a stalemate: Being queer in public was more accepted than ever, while being in a relationship was more rare than ever as well. Social media and online interactions have paved the way for new forms of intimacy and expression of one’s sexuality, while also creating particular roadblocks that are often gone unnoticed through inperson meetings. While society has (mostly) come around to accepting queer people, social media forces us to accept ourselves as well. Flower image found on seekingpng.com
Sta ats ts from from the the Da Dating ting Pool Pool St I offered a survey for people to fill out and explain their relationship status, as well as their dating habits. Through the results from this survey, there were some very interesting findings!
Note: These stats were compiled from 100 responses. The survey was administered to volunteers on Facebook and Twitter. (I do recognize that the way that I found volunteers could have easily skewed the results, however due to COVID, it’s unlikely I would’ve found answers any other way) way)
Relationship Status
Gender (Self Identified)
40 Women 36 Men 19 Non-Binary 5 Other
Surprisingly, over 50% of the people who filled out the survey were in some form of relationship. While 52 people answered that they were in a relationship, some open and some monogamous 11 people answered that they were in a “situationship”, an undefined relationship that involves sexual encounters, but does not include exclusivity and/or an emotional connection. While there were 14 people who claimed that they were single and not looking for anything, there were 24 other people who were single and expressed interest in a relationship, with 50% looking for something committed, and 50% looking for something non-committed. Due to the overwhelming response of people being in a relationship, I concluded that while hookup culture has affected the way we date, it has not erased the desire for a more traditional form of commitment.
Across the board, women and gender non-conforming people experienced more sexual violence and abuse than men in their relationships.
For clarity, those who answered trans man/ woman have been categorized into the men/women categories respectively. Trans identities are valid, and I will talk more about trans experiences later in this zine! People categorized as “other” were unsure as to how they wanted to identify. Robot clipart found on dreamtime.com, illustrated by Irina Miroshnichenko Pixel heart found on shutterstock.com
Sexuality
5%
L esbian
Many of the “Other” responses were people who considered themselves to be straight but open in some way or form to a queer relationship. Some opted not to disclose their sexuality, and others did not know how to define their sexuality.
25%
G ay
22%
B isexual
26%
Q ueer*
While there was a noticeably low turnout of Lesbian people who chose to fill out this survey, this confirms my hypothesis that in the queer community, the lesbian population is often the most underrepresented when it comes to conversations about relationships and hooking up.
12%
S traight
10%
O ther
*In this case, I am using queer as an umbrella term, which includes those who identify as sexually fluid, pansexual, or other sexualities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.
From reading these personal anecdotes, I’ve been able to gain more perspective about how relationships progress, dissolve, and change people’s lives. Moreover, my data has shown that exclusivity is Not Linked to how people meet (through social media vs. in-person), which leads me to believe that the supposed issue our generation has with hooking up instead of committing to a monogamous is not truly a generational issue, but rather a communication issue. In fact, in terms of relationships, there was a near even distribution of experiences in terms of whether or not past relationships have been exclusive, with the biggest percentage difference being less than 10%. Looking into the answers of those who have never had an exclusive relationship, all signaled that they met people through social media, and those relationships were brief to say the least. Why?
The Online Hookup Timeline The 7 Stages of Hooking Up 1. (CONTACT) A match on Tinder/Grindr/Bumble, maybe a slide into the DMs on any social media platform gets the ball rolling. First contact is tricky online, there’s no chance for a love-at-first-sight scenario. Contact is entirely dependent on your profile, first impressions are everything. 2. (ENGAGEMENT) If you get a response, your goal from this point until you set a real date is to keep getting a response. Many try copy-paste pick up lines, but chances are you’ll only have a full conversation with every 2 out of 25 people. 3. (GETTING REAL) Meeting up for the first time in person. It can take anywhere between one hour and one year for this to happen. The more clear that the meet up is an NSA (No Strings Attached) situation, the more likely that you’ll meet sooner. Meeting up is the most stressful part of the timeline. So many people embellish their personalities and looks online, and sometimes we don’t live up to the hype. On top of that, you don’t have unlimited time to think of a witty, flirty comeback. It’s real life, you’ve got to move it or lose it. 4. (FINDING YOUR PLACE IN THEIR WORLD) Commonly known as DTR (defining the relationship), this stage of the hookup defines your future. Are you a sporadic booty call? Or an every Wednesday at 8pm fuckbuddy? Do you sleep over? Do you want to sleep over? All the cards are on the table. 5. (GHOST OR HOST) From step 4, two scenarios arise. Either you find yourself a host; someone who is willing to open their life up to you and you maintain a connection with this person, sexual or otherwise, OR you find yourself a ghost; someone that will never contact you again who probably has some of your belongings stashed in their closet because they took it as an excuse to see you again but realized a week later that the didn’t want to see you again. 6. (YOUR TRUE SELF, REVEALED) Finally it’s reached a point in your connection where the script starts to fall apart (see scripts on next page). You start to show up to your fling’s house in sweatpants. Maybe your room gets a little bit messier every time they come to visit. Despite your profile, you’re not perfectyou’re human. And they finally have to deal with that. 7. (ACCEPTANCE) Well, you’ve done it. Either you’ve just gone through a breakup, or you’ve found someone consistent to spend your time with. Either way, you prolly got fucked, so good for you.
The ting The Social Scripts for Online Da ting TheSocial SocialScripts Scriptsfor forOnline OnlineDa Da ting guys While traditionally men held the power in the dating script, more often than not men believe that the do not have the same power because of the perceived lack of access to potential partners online. Men often see the dating app screen as a serious barrier for their chance at finding someone to hook up with. Within hookup culture lies a subculture where building a relationship exclusively through dating apps is unlikely, as men feel disconnected from their life online, Men often try to translate in-person dating scripts to online relationships. Not only can this muddle communication, but traditional dating scripts are riddled with problematic behavior, that objectifies women and normalizes racism and homophobia. While you may have read this paragraph and immediately thought “ugh, straight men”, I need you to know: It’s all men.
5
Girls
As we know, women are often mistreated and misrepresented when it comes to relationships. Traditionally through inperson dating, a woman is expected to remain coy to some extent, as well as amicable to any and all propositions from potential suitors. Women online, on the other hand, have more agency to accept and reject advances, as well as cultivate a more authentic sense of self online. Female empowerment has found a new form in Instagram models and “bad bitches” on twitter. At the same time, social media can prove to be dangerous for women, as it opens them up to an entirely new pool of people who are willing and able to harass them, as well as opens the door for unwanted criticism about their appearance and behavior. Women online are still subjected to the traditional in-person dating scripts, but making an initial connection online provides more of a safety net, so to speak.
Gays Being queer has arguably become more complicated through dating apps, however the apps are slowly adapting to the language that is needed for people to appropriately express themselves. The issue of disclosing one’s sexuality or gender to a potential match is most prevalent when talking to someone online, as the reactions can vary from violence to acceptance or fetishization at the drop of a hat. Beyond the issue of finding a partner with whom one can have safe interactions, another issue arises of defining the relationship, which is made especially complicated by the context with which queer hookups historically took place. Between queer women feeling as though they need to overcompensate to prove their queerness, to queer men upholding the oppressive system of misogyny that we should be straying away from.. It’s a lot.
Making Room for Marginalized Communities (Content Warning for this portion, mentions of racism, transphobia and violence)
Dating as a member of a marginalized community is tough, to say the least. As if rest of the world doesn’t give us enough problems, there’s a constant pressure from society, both within and outside of our culture, to be “model minorities”. For this portion I felt it important to highlight that while I have done my research on this topic, much of my perspective is based on my identity as a Queer,, Black trans NB person. While I haven’t been on dating apps for a few years, I remember some of the unbelievable things I’ve had to deal with, both in person and online. Something else that I’d like to highlight is how the anonymous factor of being online, as well as the distance that comes with interacting online almost encourages malice towards marginalized people. The hardest part of being online is the fact that people can make empty, belligerent threats and comments that mean nothing to them when they step away from their computer, but the fear that comes from not knowing whether or not someone is serious when they threaten your life .. that sits with you for life. While it is a very personal subject to me, I hope to inject some perspective into any conversations and/or interactions that you have. **** This is a fair warning that the next two pages are very personal, I am expressing my opinions about issues communities that I am a part of and close to. If reading about serious subjects such as the ones that I’ve listed in my content warning, please feel free to skip ahead to the next section. While I feel as though this is an important topic, it is not more important than you taking care of yourself. ! see ya ****
Banner found on Fenway Health website
With regards to race, most countries’ rivers run thick with structural and systemic racism, colorism and prejudice. As it stands racial divides are acknowledged by those who are “closer” to whiteness, and those who could never be, Those who could never be are not only consistently put down by the culture we conform to, but objectified by people who would rather oppress us than stand by us. Almost every non-white race is a category on pornhub. Take that in for a minute. It is normal for us to be separated by our race. And so in a sexual context, when we’re faced with the small dating pool so as not to stir controversy or perpetuate stereotypes, we’re faced with two options: the racist who treats us as subhuman, or the racist who has a fetish. In terms of sub-humanism the list can go on, but the ways that people think that cursing you out and calling you a ***** will get them anything but a roundhouse to the throat. As if we should respect them for being so bold and ignorant. As for the fetish artists....The ways that POC bodies are objectified and overly sexualized the idea that a white person sleeping with a black person is taboo because the white person is supposed to be pure. ..... The signs at this summer’s protests praising the sex that black people have to offer, not acknowledging the ways that the very thing that they see as sexy one hour becomes threatening the next once we are not serving them. The way Asian women are constantly infantilized by creeps, the way Latinx women consistently face harassment... I could go on. While I like to think that dating online has let me develop a sixth sense for sniffing out a bullshitter, I also want to highlight how online can be a safeguard for people in these scenarios, because it gives us the time to get to know someone before having to come face to face with a possible bigot, and allots us the comfort of not risking our emotional or physical safety to pursue a relationship.
In terms of gender, many trans/gender non-conforming people face turmoil in feeling validated and loved in the Online Hookup community. Often times gender is not taken as a serious factor, from many people I’ve surveyed it has lead to the worst relationships they’ve had, due to their partner not respecting their pronouns, identity and expression. As I mentioned earlier on the use of scripts in online dating, explaining one’s gender identity or sexuality is something that has to happen often, and it puts an extreme amount of pressure and stress onto the trans/ GNC person, because they are now forced to perform their gender for validation, rather than just be accepted. While we as a culture have become more open and understanding and respectful of people’s genders and pronouns, I can guarantee that every person who uses they/them pronouns over the age of 25 has had to cut someone out of their life because their identity was not respected. In this instance it is important to recognize once again, that queer people are not immune to bigotry or ignorance. Unfortunately many people still hold prejudice and bias against others, despite understanding how awful it may feel to be subjected to such judgment. Furthermore, there is an epidemic (E P I D E M I C) of trans women being kidnapped, beaten, and murdered. Trans panic, a type of legal defense that defends the assault of a trans person on the grounds that the assailant did not know that their partner was trans before or during sexual activity. Currently, the trans/gay panic defense is only banned in 11 states across the U.S., with eight of those states passing a law within the past year. There have been forty reported cases of fatal assaults against trans people, however the number is no doubt, much higher. Some of these people were without homes because of their gender and sexuality. Some were a part of large, supportive communities and networks. These people died in a way that consistently sends chills down my spine. Imagine not feeling comfortable being yourself. Consistently needing to keep to yourself and remain private out of fear that someone finds out that you have a deadname, or are pre-op, or dress differently, and decide to hurt you. Acts of violence like this are why hookup culture was integrated into the queer community. The privacy, the anonymity. What troubles me most deeply is that transphobia, homophobia, they’re deeply ingrained into a lot of different cultures. While we remain on the side of the fence that is labeled “Other” we still attempt to distance others from ourselves. In closing this section, I find comfort in recognizing the bravery of people of color and trans people. Of course the color of your skin is something that you can’t change with ease, it is something that is so personal yet so public, and confidence in spite of those who look down on us is, everything that I need to feel OK. On top of that, Gender-nonconforming, trans women and men and non-binary people who are brave enough to step out and remain themselves. Authentically themselves, no matter what pitfalls or judgments may come from their expression of their fullest form. While I’ve highlighted many dangers that come from interacting online as a trans person, there are communities online that are built for support, safety and love. While it may not exclusively related to hooking up (though you’d be surprised how many cuties are in those solidarity networks!) , altogether the cultivation of spaces that serve communities that otherwise struggle to find support is so important, because in searching for a good fuck, we gotta find a good friend along the way.
Do you know that you’re toxic? Would Britney Be Proud?? Assessing the toxic behaviors we all might act on when we’re trying to hook up with someone
As much as we’d like to pretend that recognizing toxic behavior is easy, it’s a lot hard it’s not. In fact, the most common form of toxicity in a relationship comes from people mirroring what their old partners did.
Pictured Right: Bad Manners! While seeing a hot match gets us all excited, that excitement shouldn’t mean that we only care about looks! “Like sufficient” ain’t gonna cover it, buddy. If you only focus on a potential partners looks instead of who they are as a person, that could be
toxic
Screenshot courtesy of Grindr Aesthetics Facebook Group
Photo of Britney Spears found on tonedeaf.thebrag.com
Pictured Right: the Bible of WHAT? If you aren’t proud to tell your grandma how you treat your partner, you probably ain’t treating them right. And if you abide by the idea that “nice guys finish last” and girls only want douchebags, according to the Book of Kara 12:7, you might be...
toxic
What’s most important when talking about being toxic is recognizing that it’s not just a trendy word to describe bad dates or roommates. Toxic behavior is the gateway to abusive behavior. Being subjected to toxic behavior leads to lower self esteem, as well as a lack of trust in potential partners because you expect them to hurt you. Learn more here: https://rb.gy/gx9ou4
Pictured Left: Obvi, this isn’t about Rihanna. Rihanna remains unproblematic in this zine. But! Being possessive about someone who doesn’t know you want to be exclusive? And getting mad at the girl in question rather than the man who’s supposed to be your man? This misplaced, unjust jealousy just doesn’t do it for me. If you’ve got something to say to someone but you’d rather sit around and be mad about it, you might be....
toxic
Both photos above found on knowyourmeme.com
Four horseman Horseman of The four the Blocked blocked Profile profile The Safety Net When you’re texting someone, and they’re texting you, but they’re just passing the time until “someone better” texts them back. Maybe you’ll grab a drink, maybe they’ll run into someone better at the bar. But if not, they’ve still got you. Why are they blocked? This person doesn’t value your time or energy! Having someone who genuinely cares about you and your interests are just as important as them having a personality of their own. Knowing that someone you’re interested in is talking to someone else instills us with a sense of urgency and anxiety, and suddenly we feel like we’re in competition with someone we don’t even know. You don’t need a safety net! You’re great.
Safety Net Man photo courtesy of fallprotectionsystems.com
The Grenade Jumper The person who you’ve been seeing who seems like they just want to get the whole thing over with. After three dates they want to start a life together. Suddenly the conversation shifted from what movies you like to when your lease ends and if you’d be interested in finding a place with them and their roommate that walked in on you guys the last time you were doing it. Why are they blocked? This person is interested in committment, which is fine but it is a lot to expect from someone they just started seeing. Not only that, but this person usually has extremely high expectations for their relationship, along with weird deal breakers that can cause a lot of friction if you get involved. Maybe getting a dog with that person sounds good, and I’m sure the sex is fine, but just because they asked you to be exclusive doesn’t mean you share the same values, and chances are this person broke it off with their last partner because they have a thing for feet that they refused to compromise on. Don’t fall for the grenade jumper, the pin is still in the grenade. Photo of Bruno Mars Courtesy of fanpop.com
SWIPER NO SWIPING! Genuinely the worst person you could possibly find online. They’re as close to problematic as someone can be without getting banned from the app. Internalized misyogyny, racism and homophobia might be what they eat for breakfast. Only a choice few actually speak on how terrible they are, openly objectifying people of color, invalidating queer identities and terrorizing women. It doesn’t seem so bad until you realize that these people make up the most popular demographic of users. Why are they blocked? Because you’d probably get arrested if you confronted them. They’re not worth it. NEXT!
Picture of Dating apps courtesy of mobilesyrup.com
The Catcher in the Rye
Swiper photo courtesy of Nickelodeon
This person is “too sensitive” to break your heart, so they take you on a wild, emotional roller coaster ride. Honestly, they should probably just admit that putting anyone through all of that is not worth it. Unfortunately though, without their sensitivity, they’d just be another douchebag with bad opinions. Why are they blocked? This person doesn’t need a romantic partner. They need therapy. Regardless of the connection you make, it is not healthy for your partner to rely on you to do emotional labor 24/7. If you get together with this person, you’ll begin to resent the person instead of caring about them. Channel your eighth grade hatred of this book and let it go.
Holden Caufield illustration courtesy of Esquire Magazine
Flip the page to read about the most toxic behavior of all....
Casper Casper the the Friendly Friendly Ghost Ghost Presents: Presents:
Stop Ghosting People: you’re an adult!
Earlier
a
in my zine, I made a bold claim. That we aren’t a generation that’s immune to commitment
we’re allergic to conversations. As sad as it is to admit, ghosting has become the new vaping. You know you shouldn’t do it, it’ll probably fuck you over a few years from now, and yet, anytime you’re at a party, you decide to get the number of someone you’re going to actively avoid seeing for the rest of your natural life. Why do we do it? What’s so great about ghosting? The answer coincides with the same answer given by most middle-aged adults when asked what their worst fear is: the unknown. Ghosting closes (no, slams) the door in the face of a new relationship, but it opens up a window of imagination! Three years from now when you’re going through a breakup you’ll think back and wonder “I wonder what ever happened to that girl Charlotte... What would my life be like if I answered her text?”
Comedian John Mulaney once said that canceling plans is like taking heroin. I’m convinced that in the same category of mood enhancers for the socially anxious, ghosting is like LSD. The beauty of ghosting is rarely is there a need for an explanation. Generally, people get the hint that you don’t want to talk to them after about 6 unanswered messages. But the danger in ghosting is you’re leaving yourself a little bit of room for hope. I kid you not, I have a friend that ghosted someone for so long, she forgot she got ghosted by him. He was so excited, to get another chance with her, and wouldn’t you know it. Just like a bad LSD flashback in the middle of a Whole Foods, this dude forgets to text her, then feels bad about texting her back so late, then never contacts her again. But those small moments he had in between the pre and re-ghosting were pure bliss. He remember all the good times they had, how much they laughed when they were together, how nice it was to see her smile... I remember her being batshit crazy but I’m never the one to harsh someone’s vibe like that. Regardless, ghosting seems easier because we feel like we don’t have to be mean, but you know what’s mean? Just as much as you think about how different your life could be, the person you ghosted thinks about what they could’ve done wrong to stop hearing from you all together. So, for the good health of future relationships everywhere, please, If you had a shit date and you never want to see them again, just say that. The haunted will thank you. Photos of Casper courtesy of Famous Studios
eeeeeeeee WWCBD? WWCBD? What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do? As the world falls apart around us and we go digital in a way we’ve never done before, I couldn’t help but wonder, how would we handle lockdown if not for technology? How would we handle anything for that matter? Have dating apps and hookup culture really changed us for the good? Or is there still some part of us that wants to live like its 1999?
Carrie Bradshaw is the main character from the HBO series “Sex and the City”. In the show, she explores all of the ins and outs of dating as an adult. In my research (AKA my quarantine binge watching), I found so many of the topics that we still deal with today fleshed out from four different perspectives.
Modern Still Life Painting done by Mack Brim. Copied with permission, 2020
Modern Dating Dilemmas and How Carrie Bradshaw would deal (Maybe we could learn a thing or two)
Finding the One Even though we’ve moved away from traditional forms of dating, many people out there still aim to find “The One”. That is, their one, true love, the one person they want to marry and be with for the rest of their life. In Episode 1 of Season 4, Carrie and the Girls decide that their friendship is much more suited to give them the love and support they want from relationships, so the ladies agree that the four of them are soulmates, which took the pressure off of their future relationships.
Looking someone up on Facebook If there’s one thing our generation is good for, it’s finding information faster than anyone else. If you match with someone on Tinder or get the name of a cute girl from your class, almost all of us look immediately to our laptops to try and find any and all traces of that person on the web. In Episode 12 of Season 1, Carrie runs into the man she’s seeing outside of a church, and instead of respecting his boundaries, she decides to follow him into the church the following day. Crushed when she realizes that the man she’s seeing isn’t ready to introduce her to his mother (doubly as much because she forced an introduction and he called her a “friend”) Carrie realized that people will let you in when they’re ready, you can’t force your way into their life.
Screen-cap courtesy of HBO
Hooking Up vs. Dating As I’ll start to explain on the next page, hookup culture may be its own thing, but it is ultimately a subculture of dating. In that vein, most dates hook up, but not all hook ups date. While hooking up has evolved into a culture, the act of hookups was still present in 2001. In all of Carrie’s relationships, she has to navigate the conversation of becoming more than just a fling. In her case, it often seemed like she placed value on having sex as a marker for “taking things to the next level”, but from viewing her friends sex life as and romantic encounters as well, its clear that there is no standard for what changes a hookup to a dating relationship.
Arguably the most unique feature of hooking up in our generation is the prevalence of non-verbal communication and its place in our relationships. While texting is amazingly convenient and at this point, a preferred method of contact for most people, there are nuances of speech that are lost in texting. Does that mean that we can’t express our feelings over text?
Text Me Like You Love Me Text Me Like You Love Me Text Me Like You Love Me
In fact, a study done in 2014 examined young adults and how their relationship quality was affected by communicating online. The study concluded that there was no correlation between relationship quality and the means through which they communicated with their partner. But I feel as though it’s obvious that there is a disconnect between texting and talking in person, so much so that services like Facetime and Zoom have surpassed the ways that we choose to communicate with our partners. So, I’ve outlined some theories on why we may not feel the same way reading a text compared to hearing someone in person.
Handy-Dandy Emoji For when you think you know what you want to say, but you don’t know which emoji will say it best.
đ&#x;˜?/ đ&#x;Ľ°
Use with with friends friends to describe someone you're seeing. Also acceptable to use as a supplemental exclamation point after giving out/receiving a compliment
đ&#x;˜ˆ
The universal universal gay emoji. It's energy energy is unmatched. Sending this emoji either means that you're tryna get some, or you're trying to ruin someone's life. Either way, this emoji is for Baddies Only, so if it's not your style, it's not going to translate over text.
đ&#x;˜
The good sex emoji. If you've just had good sex and you're recapping to your friends, this emoji is perfect for the inevitable "was it good?" question.
Spelling ily vs i love u vs. I love you. As if the English language wasn’t complicated enough, texting abbreviations have ushered in a new type of miscommunication. Here’s an example of what I mean: ngl idk wym but irl and tbh wbk, lmao We’ve made it to a point where we barely need vowels. The only thing I can recommend is type the way you say it. Until you get closer to someone, it’s going to be hard for them to understand everything you mean, so until you get to a point where your conversations are just recycling the same inside jokes, spell it out.
Good emojis to use when you realize you've gotten played:
đ&#x;¤Ąđ&#x;Ľ´đ&#x;¤•
Good emojis to use when responding to a nude:
đ&#x;Ľľđ&#x;˜Šđ&#x;˜Œ
Good emojis to use if you're horny (or really hungry)
Intimacy isn’t lacking, it’s just more present in person. Texting with someone new is significantly harder than texting with someone you’ve known for a minute, and because you become accustomed to the tone of someone’s voice and how they carry themselves in person, it’s easy to imagine them saying what they’ve texted you. If you don’t have a really good sense of that person’s personality, you won’t associate intimate moments with them as deeply through text because you don’t have anything but words to associate them with. Try getting people to send a voice message, so you can get a sense of their general tone. It will help to develop feelings with that person more than you have.
đ&#x;˜‹đ&#x;Ľ´đ&#x;?†đ&#x;?‘đ&#x;’Ś Wild Cards:
đ&#x;¤Şđ&#x;Ľşđ&#x;˜¤đ&#x;˜?đ&#x;˜ đ&#x;¤— Use these emojis like sentence enhancers.
Warning Don’t use this emoji:
It’s what people use with their mom. Don’t Modern Still Life Painting done by Mack Brim. Copied with permission, 2020 make it weird.
3 Things to Know when Dating during Coronavirus
Modern Still Life Painting done by Mack Brim. Copied with permission, 2020 Do you want a relationship, or do you want therapy? Because of how stressful everything has been, people have more than ever taken solace in confiding in the people close to them. But be wary, things can go from feeling sympathetic to overwhelming quite quickly. As much as your partners should support you and listen to you (and as much as you should listen to and care for them!) You may need to seriously interrogate the conversations y’all have, and make sure that you’re taking care of yourself.
Please for the love of holy business don’t go out. As eager as we all are to go out and do everything short of licking telephone poles just because we can, it is dangerous to expand your bubble right now. It’s lonely, I know. Trust me. Yesterday I started talking to the candles I made like i was in castaway. But we have to do our part to try and slow the spread, at the very least until a vaccine is circulated. It’s getting colder, and distancing 6ft is not going to cut it if you’re indoors with no airflow. If we keep disregarding the measures in place now, it is just going to take longer until we can all go out again.
Here are some fun and safe date ideas for you and your boo to do: Once again, Don’t Ghost! Anxieties are high around this time, and open communication is important! Even if you’re just not into the conversation anymore, or busy with something else, sending a quick text or making a phone call to say “hey, thanks, but no thanks” is so much better. People have enough to worry about.
-Facetime and do a Bob Ross tutorial together -Order from the same restaurant and video chat at your dinner table -Send them some snail mail -Get all of your friends together for an online game night (cards against humanity pictionary and so many other games are free online!) -Make up your own language -Take them on a virtual tour of your apartment (this idea doubles as cleaning motivation) -Do a Chopped cooking challenge by buying the same 5 ingredients as your partner and see what you both come up with. Bonus if you can do
What Did We Learn? Hopefully you’re finishing this zine with a sense of why hookup culture online isn’t all bad, maybe you know a bit more about emoji language, and maybe you have a weird urge to watch Sex and the City. When working on this zine, I found myself answering a lot of questions from straight people, about what sexuality meant and if certain things were a flag that their sexuality was in question. My answer was the same across the board: I can’t answer that, that’s your journey. Just like hookup culture online, there’s no way I can answer every question, but I hope this has helped you on your journey. Thank you for reading on and I hope you have a good afternoon, good evening and good night. Take care! kara PS: A Special Thanks to Mack Brim, who let me use her absolutely breathtaking paintings in my zine, Check out more of her work here Or hit her up on social media @madamemack
Double P.S.: Thank you to Professor Connell, Ms. Elif Birced, everyone who participated in this survey, along with everyone who let me pick their brain over the past few months. Thank you to Scott especially. Also, thank you to all of my exes for inspiring me. Finally, thank u to my boop. boop!
Sources Ahlm J. Respectable promiscuity: Digital cruising in an era of queer liberalism. Sexualities. 2017;20(3):364-379. doi:10.1177/1363460716665783 “An Act Regarding Criminal Procedure with Respect to Allowable Defenses”. (2019). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from http://legislature.maine. gov/LawMakerWeb/summary.asp?paper=HP1175 AN ACT RELATING TO CRIMINAL PROCEDURE -- TRIALS. (2018). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from http://webserver.rilin.state.ri.us/BillText18/HouseText18/H7066aa.htm Assembly Bill No. 2218. (2020). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://leginfo.legislature.ca.gov/faces/billTextClient.xhtml?bill_ id=201920200AB2218 Bill Status of SB1761 100th General Assembly. (2017). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://ilga.gov/legislation/billstatus.asp?DocNum=1761 Duguay S. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer Visibility Through Selfies: Comparing Platform Mediators Across Ruby Rose’s Instagram and Vine Presence. Social Media + Society. April 2016. doi:10.1177/2056305116641975 E. (2018). Ghosting: Why it hurts and what you can do about it. Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.eharmony.co.uk/dating-advice/ online-dating-unplugged/polter-guys-and-ghoulish-girls-isnt-it-time-we-gave-ghosting-an-exorcism 6 Ferris L, Duguay S. Tinder’s lesbian digital imaginary: Investigating (im)permeable boundaries of sexual identity on a popular dating app. New Media & Society. 2020;22(3):489-506. doi:10.1177/1461444819864903 Gay Panic Or Transgender Panic Defense. (2020, June 12). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://leg.colorado.gov/bills/SB20-221 HRC. (2020). Violence Against the Transgender Community in 2020. Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-trans-and-gender-non-conforming-community-in-2020 Limiting defenses based on victim identity. (2020). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://app.leg.wa.gov/billsummary?BillNumber=1687 McGee, M. (2014) Is Texting Ruining Intimacy? Exploring Perceptions Among Sexuality Students in Higher Education, American Journal of Sexuality Education, 9:4, 404-427, DOI: 10.1080/15546128.2014.976353 Miles, M (2017) Sex in the digital city: location-based dating apps and queer urban life, Gender, Place & Culture, 24:11, 1595-1610, DOI: 10.1080/0966369X.2017.1340874 NY State Senate Bill S3293. (2020, January 13). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/bills/2019/S3293 Race K. Speculative pragmatism and intimate arrangements: online hook-up devices in gay life. Culture, Health & Sexuality. 2015;17(4):496-511. doi:10.1080/13691058.2014.930181 RELATING TO CRIMINAL DEFENSE. (2019). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.capitol.hawaii.gov/Archives/measure_indiv_Archives.aspx?billtype=HB Roach, T. (2015). Becoming Fungible: Queer Intimacies in Social Media. Qui Parle, 23(2), 55-87. doi:10.5250/quiparle.23.2.0055 SB97. (2019). Retrieved December 01, 2020, from https://www.leg.state.nv.us/App/NELIS/REL/80th2019/Bill/6080/Overview SENATE, No. 2609. (2018). Retrieved December 09, 2020, from https://www.njleg.state.nj.us/2018/Bills/S3000/2609_I1.HTM
(this zine was made possible thanks to viewers like you!)